Hey there, lovely souls. Welcome back to another episode of the Heal with Grace podcast. I'm your host, Grace Secker, a holistic psychotherapist, yoga therapist, and nervous system coach. And if you're new here, welcome to the family. And if you're a returning listener, I'm sending you a big, warm virtual hug.

We all need hugs in our life. So today we're diving into a topic that's very near and dear to my heart and that I honestly talk about all the time because we are all so hard on ourselves. And what I'm talking about today is called self compassion. And if there's one thing I've learned on my own healing journey and through working with so many beautiful souls like you, it's that self compassion is not just important.

It's absolutely essential. It's more than, Oh, just give yourself a little love or, you know, just treat yourself, treat yourself with self care. It goes so much deeper. Like truly it is essential to your healing process. And honestly, just to us being humans. So why do we need self compassion and our healing journey and how can we cultivate it in a way that truly supports ourselves?

That's exactly what I'm going to be talking about today. So stick around because we're going to explore all of this. And I'll also be leading you through a soothing self compassion practice meditation towards the end of the episode. 

All right, let's jump right in.

Let's first understand what self compassion is and why we need to talk about it, why it's essential. So first at its core, self compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you would offer to a close friend. It's the ability to recognize your own suffering, to respond to it with warmth, And to acknowledge that you're human, you are imperfect, yet deserving of love and care.

Now, I know that for many of us, being compassionate to ourselves doesn't come naturally. We're often our own worst critics, holding ourselves to impossibly high standards. We beat ourselves up for our mistakes, and we push ourselves to the point of burnout, thinking that being hard on ourselves will somehow lead to improvement.

And here's the thing that most of us don't actually understand that we're doing this. Sometimes it takes someone else to point out like, Hey, you're being really hard on yourself. Or, you know, maybe you read something that then you recognize like, Oh, I am being hard on myself. But a lot of this happens underneath the surface under the, in the subconscious.

We don't actually know that we're doing it. But we're doing it all the time. So if you're feeling like very rigid, controlled about something, or you have a strong shame response, or you're feeling really guilty about something, more often than not, you're pretty hard on yourself. But here's the truth. Self criticism doesn't lead to lasting change or growth.

It just leads to more pain, more stress, and more feeling stuck. On the other hand, Self compassion creates a safe space within us where healing can truly begin. It's like giving ourselves permission to be human, to be flawed, and to still be worthy of love and healing. I think there's a good example of this.

I was in the sauna the other day, And I overheard this conversation and I think I've said that a couple of times on here. I'm just into the sauna right now. It's feeling pretty good for me and my body and where I am. And so anyway, lots of interesting conversations happen, but. I overheard someone tell this guy,you know, how do you do it?

You're so disciplined. You sit in here for 15 minutes and then you go cold plunge for, you know, three to five minutes and you're back and forth. And like, no matter how hot it is, you're in here for the whole time. You know, you're so Zen, you're so Buddha or she said something like that. And, the guy kind of like looked up and so to paint the picture, like his shoulders were kind of hunched over. He was sitting cross legged, kind of like a meditative position. but he wasn't, he was just kind of quiet to himself. Right. And he goes, Oh, you know, self criticism goes a long way. I just beat myself up most of the time and kind of laughed at it.

And then there's this consensus of like, Oh yeah, that just works sometimes. And I was, uh, I bit my tongue. Sometimes I say things and sometimes I don't. Cause. I don't know. I don't need to fix everyone. And also, they're not asking for it, or I don't need my opinion to be stated all the time. But I was just thinking, Oh, that's so sad.

That sucks because I guarantee you, even if outwardly it may look to some people that he's, you know, excelling at all, everything he does, he's running like 50 K marathons and all this stuff that doesn't mean he is miserable on the inside and that eventually something will break. Something will happen because you can't push yourself like that over and over and over and over again with hatred and judgment and self criticism and doubt.

And you actually be a healthy human being. It doesn't work. Truly does not work. It might for a little bit and then it doesn't. And so. This happens all the time. We don't realize we're pushing ourselves all the time. And most of that is coming from a place of, Oh, well, I have to do this to fix myself in these ways.

I have to run more or do the sauna more so that I can lose weight and look a certain way. Or, you know, I

have to meditate every morning for an hour to be my best spiritual highest self. It doesn't matter what the action is, the more that we create rigid boundaries around it, and we criticize ourselves if we don't do it a certain way, the more it's going to harm us. Outwardly, again, it might push us to look a certain way, but that only lasts for so long, and most often than not, we're pretty miserable on the inside.

So the antidote to self criticism is self compassion. That's why it's so important on our healing journey. So let's break it down. First, self compassion helps you build resilience. When you're going through tough times, whether it's dealing with chronic pain, anxiety, or just the ups and downs of life, self compassion acts as a buffer against the harshness of those experiences.

It allows us to face our struggles without being overwhelmed by them. Second, self compassion helps foster emotional well being. Which means that when we're kind to ourselves, we create a positive inner environment. So this doesn't mean that we ignore our pain or pretend everything's okay when it's not.

Instead, what it really means is that we acknowledge our pain and we offer ourselves comfort and support in the midst of it. I know you've heard me say this before, but it's so true. We have to go through the woods instead of around it to get through. I need to plaster that somewhere, like, put that above my desk.

I say it so much. And finally, self compassion is a powerful tool for growth. When we approach ourselves with compassion, we're actually more open to learning from our experiences. We're more willing to take risks and we're capable of bouncing back from setbacks. It's like planting the seeds in a garden.

With self compassion, we give those seeds the nurturing they need to grow into something beautiful. But if we don't, if we're just like Pushing them down into the dirt. We're not really watering them. We're just like making it think we're going to make it grow some other way. And it's just, the sun is beating down on this plant without a lot of nurturing.

It's going to die pretty quickly, right? And let's be real, who doesn't need a little more kindness in their life? I mean, we're all just trying to do our best, right? So why not make the journey a little gentler by being our own best friend along the way? I can't tell you how amazing it feels now that I've gotten to a place that I truly love being with myself.

Now, when there are tough times. Well, I still prefer sometimes to be on my own, but overall, I actually really enjoy it and prefer it some of the times because I've built up a strong relationship with myself with compassion. And believe me, that was so not the case for many, many years. And so that's what self compassion helps you do.

Not only gets you through the hard times and become more resilient and become more healthy mentally and emotionally and physically. But it also helps you just like yourself better. And I totally know we all need more of that. All of us as humans need to like ourselves more. I also want to note here, because I know some of you are thinking this, well, it kind of seems like sometimes people use self compassion, kind of like self care as a way to just like let yourself out of hard situations.

And I'm here to tell you that is so not the truth. So. Oftentimes, self compassion is needed in those tough situations so that we can actually meet our goals and actually continue with what we're set out to do. It's not about just like letting yourself off the hook and not doing anything or being lazy.

It's truly not about that. it's about if we're going to do this thing, how are we going to treat ourselves along the way doing it? It doesn't mean just quit. I mean, sometimes maybe that's exactly what you need to do. But that's not what I'm saying here. That's not the moral of the story. And so before we dive into our practice, I actually want to share a little story with you.

I know I talk a lot about myself, but I want to give an example of a client that I have that has really cultivated self compassion when really, when she started seeing me was, I mean, yeah, very, very hard on herself, lots of people pleasing, self criticism, perfectionism. and so I'm just going to call her Sarah.

So Sarah was one of those people who always seemed to have it together. At least she looks like it. Even though she deeply struggled with some chronic pain and anxiety, she always seemed to have it all together. She was that go to person for her friends, the one who always knew what to say or do in a crisis, but when it came to her own struggles, Sarah was incredibly hard on herself.

She believed that she really had to be perfect. Now, she didn't think this consciously, necessarily, but this is what This is what drove her all of her actions. What she felt like she had to be perfect or she would fail and failure is bad. And that's showing any kind of weakness meant that she was failing.

So one day, Sarah came to me after a pretty particularly rough week. She had made a mistake at work and really. As we dug into it, it wasn't that much of a mistake. It was just that she received some feedback that, was to help her improve, but feedback was really difficult for her to take on. It was minor, but to her, it felt like the end of the world.

She couldn't stop being herself up over it. She lost sleep at night. She'd wake up with anxiety. In our session, she admitted that she would never talk to anyone the way that she talks to herself about it, but she just can't seem to stop. And this is where the concept of self compassion comes in. I shared with Sarah that the research by Dr.

Kristen Neff, who, she's a researcher and pioneer in the field of self compassion, and I highly recommend her work. Dr. Neff has found that self compassion. It's not about letting ourselves off the hook or being lazy. It's about treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we had offered to someone else who was struggling.

I know that it seems cliche, y'all, but it's so true. How would you treat someone else in this certain situation? Because I guarantee you, you're not treating yourself the same way. And that's usually how we find the difference in self compassion and self criticism. I asked Sarah to imagine how she would respond to a close friend.

They came to her with the same problem. Like, what would she say? How would she support them? What kind of energy would she give off? What would she actually say to herself about this friend? And of course she said she would tell her friend that everyone makes mistakes and it's okay to mess up sometimes.

Look at the kind of feedback you're getting and move forward with it. She'd remind them that they're human and that one mistake does not define them. Isn't that so wise? so I encouraged Sarah to turn that same compassion inward. I asked her to practice talking to herself the way she would talk to a friend.

And usually at first this feels awkward, right? It's kind of unnatural, feels kitschy, just feels like, Oh, I don't know. This is silly. I don't fully believe what I'm saying. but the more you practice, The easier it gets. And that's what she recognized too. As she continued, something started to happen. The more that she practiced self compassion, the less power her self criticism had over her.

And she would come to session still saying something difficult or telling me something that was hard, and you could tell she was starting to be hard on herself. And then without me saying anything, she would follow it up with, and I know that, you know, I know that I can make mistakes sometimes and that I tend to say yes a lot more when I can say no, and I'm feeling like I can handle this.

You know, she would almost answer in a way that I would answer. And if you've been in therapy for a while, you probably do this as well. But overall, I could tell that she began to feel more resilient. She began to be more capable of handling the life's ups and downs. And that came in a way of being a little bit more curious about things.

Say you get feedback from someone or you mess up. Is your automatic to blame and shame and criticize yourself? Or is your automatic to look at it critically, look at it from a curious lens, a human lens, and see what you can do about it. And most importantly, what I saw in Sarah was that she started to see herself as deserving of the same kindness that she so freely gave to others.

So this shift wasn't just about feeling better in the moment. The research by Dr. Neff shows that people who practice self compassion are actually more likely to experience emotional well being, greater resilience, and even better physical health. So self compassion helps us cope with failure, it reduces anxiety, and it fosters a deeper connection with ourselves.

So really what I want you to get out of this is that the next time you find yourself caught in a spiral of self criticism Please remember Sarah's story. Please remember the research that dr. Neff has found that treating yourself with kindness Isn't just nice. It's not just being nice to yourself. It is truly essential for your healing and growth Also, it's a practice y'all.

I say this all the time. All we do are practices. And just like any practice, it gets easier the more that you do it. And as you practice, you'll find that it's not only possible to be kind to yourself, it's truly transformative. Usually when I'm going through something difficult and I'm sitting there and meditating or journaling, I don't intentionally do this anymore.

Automatically my thoughts go to, Okay. And I love you and I'm light and I am worthy of love and I am going to get through this and I put my hand over my heart or I write out a bunch of affirmations and I just sit there with a smile and with warmth and bring that in. It's just automatic now.

So it's a practice. Okay, let's go ahead and actually do that practice. I realized on here, I don't lead you through as much as I would like. So let's. Dive in. Now that we've talked about the importance of self compassion, I would love to guide you through a short meditation to help you cultivate this beautiful practice for your own.

So, my friends, if you're in a place where it's safe to do so, I invite you to find a comfortable position. And if you're not, I invite you just to listen to it. If you're walking, driving, just take a few breaths, become present and just start listening. And then come back to this when maybe you're sitting or lying down.

Whatever feels best for you. And when you're ready, gently close your eyes. If you can safely do so,

so take a deep breath in and a slow breath out. Let's do that again. Inhale deeply through the nose

and exhale slowly through the mouth. Maybe pursing your lips like you're breathing through a straw.

Allow yourself to settle into this moment. Knowing that there's nowhere else you need to be, nothing else you need to do, except to be here now.

And reminder that you can always come back to your breath as you inhale and exhale.

Now I'd like you to bring to mind a situation in your life that's been causing you some stress or pain. Nothing too difficult, but something stressful. It might be something recent or something that's been lingering for a while. As you think about this situation,

Bring to mind, what kind of thoughts are present? What do you think about this situation? What do you think about you in this situation or maybe other people involved?

And as you do that, start to notice the breath again in your body as you inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth.

And as you do that, I want you to notice any emotions that arise.

Is there any sadness, frustration, fear, or even anger

as you tune in to how the situation makes you feel? Just allow whatever it is to be there without judgment.

Allow that feeling to rise in your body.

Allow it to be there with open arms, knowing that it's completely okay to feel this.

Breathe and feel if you'd like, maybe placing a hand over your heart or giving yourself a hug as you move through this, but knowing that everything that you feel or think is And

I want you to start to imagine that a dear friend of yours is going through the exact same situation. Picture this friend in your mind. Picture them telling you exactly what you've been telling yourself. About the story

now, how would you respond to them? What words of comfort or encouragement would you offer? How would you show them that you care?

Remember, they are going through the same thing. And I know there might be a part of you or part of your mind that's saying, well, but it's different. No, it's the same.

So whatever you're telling them, whatever you're giving them in terms of energy and emotion and thought. I want you to gently turn that same kindness, that same compassion towards yourself. Maybe you say to yourself that this is really hard right now and it's okay to feel this way. I'm here for you, or perhaps you say, I'm doing the best I can, and that's enough.

I know that I can get through this. I will get through this, whatever words feel right for you. Let them come from a place of love and understanding.

And as you breathe in, imagine that you're breathing in compassion and warm.

Like when you take a sip of warm tea, that feeling that goes down your throat and to your body, that warmth, that love, that light. Imagine that coming in to your body, filling it up with a sense of care and comfort.

And as you breathe out, imagine letting go of any harsh judgments or self criticism, releasing them with each exhale.

Now do that again, breathing in, filling up compassion and warmth, feeling that sense of care and comfort. And as you breathe out, imagine letting go of any harsh judgments or self criticism, releasing them with each exhale.

Continue this as you breathe in. And breathe out,

letting that warmth, fill up your body, your heart, your mind, your breath,

and releasing anything that doesn't serve you any criticism or judgments.

Now, take a moment to simply rest in this space of self compassion. Notice how it feels to be gentle with yourself. To offer yourself the same kindness that you would offer to someone you love

when you're ready, slowly begin to bring your awareness back to the present moment, wiggle your fingers and toes, take a deep breath. And when you're ready, gently open your eyes.

Welcome back. I hope you found that practice helpful and that it brought a little more ease and compassion into your day. Know that you can always come back to it. So bookmark this episode. Download it, whatever you need to do. And remember that self compassion is not a one time thing. It's a practice, something that we can come back to again and again, especially when we're feeling low, the more we practice it, the more it becomes a natural part of how we relate to ourselves.

I want you to take this self compassion with you as you go about your day, your week, and your healing journey, and just know that you deserve your own kindness. And the more you give it to yourself, the more you'll find that healing isn't something you have to fight for. It is something you can allow to unfold with grace.

so much for joining me today and thank yourself Give yourself a good sense of thankfulness, gratitude that you listened to this. And if you enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving a review or sharing it with someone who might need a little extra compassion in their life. And as always, I'd love to hear from you.

Feel free to reach out on social social media or through my website. And until next time, keep healing, keep growing, and most importantly, keep being kind to yourself. You're doing amazing. And I'm so proud of you.

Remember that you're not just healing, you're healing with grace. See you in the next episode.