Normal Life Plus Caregiving

This episode offers valuable insights to both caregivers and non-caregivers, featuring valuable tips from Rebekah Dowhy for those who aren't caregivers but want to lend a hand.

Rebekah's journey into caregiving began at birth, as her mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis the same year she was born. Growing up, Rebekah, along with her dad, took care of her mom. Through this experience, she learned the critical importance of support and the need for respite breaks. (You’ll hear how for Rebekah, even a two-hour break with peers felt like a much-needed vacation.) This inspired her, and after many years of caring for her mom, eventually seeing her home to heaven, Rebekah founded the Caregiving Support Network (CSN). 

Respite is essential for caregivers, as without it, they risk facing overwhelming stress, depression, and burnout. Understanding this need, Rebekah established the nonprofit program to offer both respite and practical support for caregivers. The Caregiving Support Network (CSN) also extends support post-caregiving, such as with resume writing, recognizing that caregivers acquire numerous new skills and abilities through their experiences that can help when it’s time to return to the career they had pre-caregiving.

For more information from Rebekah, here's her website:
Caregiving Support Network

The activity books Rebekah spoke about are available through Ways 2 Wellness

Here's the video "Things Not to Say" that we spoke about.

Transcript

Thank you for tuning in to the Island Treasures Podcast.

We value the insights shared by our guests and hosts, but it's important to note that their personal experiences are intended to inform and encourage, and not to replace professional, legal, or medical advice.

With that, we are ready for today's exciting episode.

Welcome to Island Treasures, a place for caregivers to hear encouragement from other caregivers, who by sharing their experiences offer helpful information and resources for your caregiving journey.

I am your host and caregiver consultant, Alison van Schie from beautiful Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada.

And before we dive in to today's episode, I want to let you know that Island Treasures is set up to receive fan mail, so you can text the podcast directly through the link at the bottom of the show notes.

I was introduced to today's guest while seeking inspiration to develop a caregiver respite program in my own community.

I quickly discovered that she offers a distinctive viewpoint on caregiver respite as her mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis the year she was born. Her personal journey has given her firsthand experience in the realities of caregiving.

As she spent her formative years and beyond looking after her mom. After her mom passed away, she founded the Caregiving Support Network to provide caregivers with prayer-centered community and practical support.

The kind of support she wished she'd had growing up. Now it's my turn to make the introduction. Please join me as I welcome Rebekah Dowhy.

Welcome, Rebekah. I am so excited to have you with me today on the Island Treasures podcast.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to our conversation and to hearing more about your caregiving story. So let's get started.

Yeah, so I was born into caregiving, and that's something that's a little bit unique about my story. I know there are a lot of other young caregivers out there that would relate to it as well.

But my mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis the year that I was born. And she started out with relapsed remedding, and then was later diagnosed with secondary progressive. And so it was a very gradual decline.

As I got older, I started doing things like brushing her hair for her, you know, as young as eight or nine years old. And then my earliest memories are of her using a cane and then a walker, a wheelchair, and finally being in bed in her later years.

And so it was a very difficult journey to walk as a young person. And on the flip side of that, it was normal life to me because that's all I had ever known.

And so as I got older, the caregiving tasks got more progressive and more complicated, maybe a bit more intense as she aged and as I got older as well.

So being introduced from day one, basically, into the life of a caregiver, and how that must have framed your relationship with your mom, not just as a daughter, you were wanting to learn what the world had to offer, but you were tasked with looking

after your mom. So let's talk a little bit about that.

Yeah. So I knew it was unusual because my other friends weren't taking care of their mom in the same way. So I knew that it was different.

At the same time, she was very much still my mom. And so I remember her sitting in her wheelchair in the kitchen and telling me what to put in the soup pot and how to make soup. And I still make that soup to this day.

And she homeschooled me for kindergarten through high school. And then when it came to college, I took online courses so that I could be there with her.

And I had someone ask me the other day, you know, did you feel like you were missing out, you know, on peer interaction and things like that? And there were definitely times where I did. Like, I felt that lack.

And I remember at one point, I was in college and it was a virtual class. And we were all meeting up in Nashville at the time, Nashville, Tennessee. And it was just a day, couple hour getaway.

And I remember walking through the city, and I arranged, my dad would be home. He wouldn't be able to do all the things he needed to do on the weekend because he was going to stay with mom so I could go out with my friends.

And I remember realizing, walking down the street, that my friends had no idea that that day to me was like a vacation. That was just like, just the biggest respite I had had in a while.

And I was so excited, and I was like, peer interaction and getting to be in person with people. And that meant just a few hours out meant so much to me.

And I think there were moments like that throughout childhood and being in high school and college where it would really hit me of, I am different. This is very different. And I think other young caregivers would relate to that.

But on the flip side, I knew that's where I was meant to be. I knew I was meant to be there with mom, helping her, and we were very, very close. And I should mention as well, I have four older siblings.

Okay. And I'm further apart in age from the rest of them. The closest sibling in age is my brother, and he's still six years older.

And so it was almost like having a lot of parents at a time, but it was wonderful. And by the time they moved out and went on to do their own thing, I became one of the primary caregivers for mom along with dad.

Did they step in to help when you needed respite, when you needed time?

As much as they could. Yeah. As much as they possibly could.

I love your description of that vacation, that one day with your peers, and how we all take that for granted unless we're caregiving.

Absolutely.

And I think as caregivers, it's hard sometimes for people outside of caregiving to understand this, but we don't have a weekend to look forward to in the sense of if you're going to a nine to five, everyone says, oh, thank goodness it's Friday, and I

can't wait for the weekend to relax. I'm gonna be off work and relax. And that's just not the case for caregivers. They don't have a day off, sometimes for months, sometimes even years.

And that can really, really wear you down. And I mean, I experienced that even as a young person, where I would be so exhausted that the idea of deciding what to make for dinner was very overwhelming.

And now being an adult, looking back, and having a bit more education around trauma and depression and things like that, I was really going through some depression and anxiety at that time, just because of the constant, almost like needing to be on

Yeah.

So your hormones, your adrenaline, your would always be there. And so you say fight or flight, like that adds a lot of stress to your life.

Absolutely.

Excuse me. Let's take a tea break.

I love a tea break.

You probably make tea breaks into events as well, though. You probably made that something special.

Absolutely. And I think with caregiving, you have to learn how to make the most out of each moment because those breaks are so few and far between, so few and far between. I mean, I would be so, so tired and doing normal life.

Because normal life doesn't stop when you are a caregiver. You have normal life plus caregiving.

Right.

And so you're still having to do all the normal day-to-day things around your home and at work or school or whatever. And then you also have this patient who has a lot of medical needs that is relying on you for keeping them going.

And so a lot of times you put yourself on the back burner as a caregiver. And it's really, really easy to burn out.

I mean, there's a statistic that's really kind of alarming, and it's seven out of ten caregivers experience depression at some point in isolation.

And that's not surprising, but it is shocking.

Yeah. It did surprise me in a way, but at the same time having been a caregiver, I was not surprised because I've experienced that as well. And as a caregiver, there were so many times where I felt like no one else knew what I was going through.

No one would truly understand what my day to day was like. But my whole day and my dad's day was geared around mom's schedule, around her medications, around her feeding schedule, and all of that. When do we need to turn her?

When does she need her showers? Things like that. When your whole life is wrapped around someone else, it's almost impossible to step back and even think about yourself.

And so, like I said, that can lead to burnout, and it often does. And that's why respite is so important.

And we'll talk more about respite a little later. So what did you do? What were your supports?

Like you did mention you did experience depression. So what were your supports that got you through that?

A few things. Number one, I got to go through it with my dad. And that is something I do not take for granted, because I talk to caregivers every day who are doing it all by themselves.

They have no family nearby. They've not had time to build friendships because they are so wrapped up in their loved one. They can't get to their place of worship.

They sometimes can't even get out to work, because they have a typical office job. And so they're lacking all of those extra community supports.

So for me, I'm really grateful that I was able to go through that with my dad, and that we were able to lean on each other when things got really tough. You know, he would sit with mom so I could go out, or I could sit with mom so he could go out.

But most of the time, she needed both of us. And so, but I'm just really grateful that I got to go through it with my dad. And then secondly, we had some friends and family and church members who were so compassionate.

And even though they didn't necessarily know exactly what was going on behind the scenes, exactly what our day to day was like, I would be heading a wall. I'd just be heading a breaking point where I felt like, Lord, I can't go on another hour.

I don't even know if I can make it to the next hour. I'm so exhausted and so stressed. And I would sometimes just pray, God, help, you know, help.

I didn't have any words. I didn't have the emotions to sit there and journal a beautiful, eloquent prayer. I just cried out to God for help.

And next thing you know, I'd have someone dropping by the house at the meal, or I'd have someone offer to sit with my mom so I could go out for just an hour or two into the sunshine and into nature. And that was so life-changing.

I don't think those folks will ever realize how much that impacted me. And I think it's so easy to get overwhelmed talking about the challenges associated with caregiving.

It's so easy to go, well, seven out of ten are experiencing burnout and depression. And in the US, one out of five is a caregiver. So that's a lot of people.

And that's just the US. That's not counting worldwide. And so it's easy to look at those numbers and be like, well, what can I do?

I can't help 53 million people. But all you need to do is find the caregiver in your life, because there is one, I guarantee.

And it's as simple as dropping off a meal or showing up and just saying, hey, here's a gift certificate for a house cleaning service. I know you've been working really hard and you shouldn't have to push yourself that hard.

Sometimes it's just that simple.

And so the power of just a couple hours off and knowing that they're seen, and knowing that you have people who are thinking of you is literally life-changing in a way that you may never realize as the person giving that gift.

You've given me so many things to comment on. But I'm just thinking, as a young person, you were extremely young.

If you hadn't had the church to know your family situation where your mom was requiring you to be her caregiver, who would have known that you were going through stuff, that you were having all of these demands placed on you? Who would have known?

Because you were doing school at home.

No one. And that's the case for a lot of caregivers. They've maybe not been able to go to church in a while because of their loved one.

And in a larger church, even a smaller church, that's not always your first thought is, oh, it must be someone sick or whatever. And it's really easy to slip through the cracks there. And if they're able to go at all.

And so I think that is a reason we're seeing so much isolation amongst caregivers. Yeah.

Churches are becoming less and less popular, shall we say. And so for people who aren't part of a church, aren't part of a church family, don't experience that sense of belonging.

But there are ministries and churches that provide outreach, such as visitation, to folks that they may know that are struggling in their community, that are lonely, that perhaps are caregiving.

And my call to churches has been that not to bash churches for not knowing the caregivers in their community, because sometimes there's no way that they would know, but let's go to them. Like, let's take the church to them.

Let's find these caregivers. And that's part of where our ministry, my ministry can come in and help you find these caregivers. And let's be the church, and let's go to them and meet them where they are.

And I think that is so powerful. And the image that we use a lot is how Jesus walked with people, and Jesus walked with his disciples and with people throughout the various towns.

And that's what we want to do with caregivers, is we want to walk alongside them. So, and that sometimes involves, you know, going to them.

Knowing them.

Exactly.

So, let's talk about your ministry, because that's why we were connected, because I was starting up a respite ministry, and lo and behold, that's what you do. So, please tell us about that, Becca.

Yeah, so we started the Caregiving Support Network, and we're a non-profit ministry that believes in, first of all, the power of community and prayer.

And so, the first thing we do with caregivers is we bring them, we talked about the isolation, right?

We bring them into a community that encourages them, cares for them, is made up of caregivers and former caregivers like myself who want to reach back and help others through that really difficult process of usually walking a loved one home, which is

very emotionally, financially, physically draining on you as the caregiver. And we want to take care of you, the caregiver.

And so, we do that by bringing them into community and then also coupling that with really practical support so that they can take a break.

So, we'll send house cleaners to their house so that they can take a night off or a week off from deep cleaning.

We'll send them a meal gift certificate so they don't have to cook one evening or maybe for a while, depending on the severity of the situation.

And sometimes we'll even cover medical care to come in and help their loved ones so they can actually leave the house and get away for a little bit.

So, tell me who we are and how many are on staff.

Yes. So, we are a team of former and current caregivers, and we are primarily volunteer-led, which has just been so beautiful to see. And I believe the number is up to about 20, 20 of us right now.

And so, it's just been so cool to see the people that have come through and say, hey, I want to do this. And it's catching. It's contagious in the best possible way.

I know we don't like that word anymore since-

Contagious in a good way. We do like.

But this is a good contagious in the sense of there's no greater joy than seeing a caregiver who has no one in their life, and I mean no family around, no church community, no work community, their neighbors maybe haven't seen them in a while,

because they're housebound, and bringing them into this group of incredible caregivers who are like, hey, we get it. We totally get it, and we see you, and not only that, we're going to help you, and we're going to make sure you get to take a break.

Because I know when I was caregiving, I would have very well-meaning people say, Rebekah, you're so burned out, just so tired, and you really need to take time for yourself.

And it always frustrated me a little bit as a caregiver, because I couldn't just leave. That's not something that's available to caregivers. They're already so overwhelmed with everything.

And so we get to come in and say, we do see that you're burned out. That is true, but we're going to make sure you get to take a break by making it happen for you. We're not going to give you another step on your to-do list.

And you're not just going to offer words.

You're going to offer actions.

Exactly.

So a friend of mine, Katrina Prescott, she's a producer, and she's also a caregiver, and she care gave for her mom and her grandma, but she produced a cute little video called Things Not to Say, which features a fairy godmother who intervenes on

behalf of the caregiver. But it's really cute. I will send it to you. You'll probably think it's fantastic.

She calls it as it is. It's very good. But she was a guest on the Island Treasures podcast, and she's pretty brilliant.

That's amazing.

It's cute, but it's real.

It's real and it's raw, and I don't think it'll shock caregivers.

That's for sure. I mean, they know what it's like.

Yeah.

Well, I wanted to share this story really quick because I think it speaks to the power of just giving a caregiver a little bit of time off. We have a meetup every month with our caregivers, and it's virtual.

And one of our caregivers, I asked, one of the questions I asked was, what's something that's gone really well for you this week?

And she said, my highlight of my week was a five-minute conversation with my husband, because we hadn't gotten to talk, because we're always pulled in different directions, taking our kids.

They have several children with disabilities, so lots of doctor's appointments, lots of hospital stays. And so it was a five-minute conversation, and she said, I got to wipe off my kitchen counters, and that made me feel so much better.

And it just kind of stabs you in the heart, because it's like, boy, we have, you know, sometimes no idea what's going on behind the scenes. And oh my goodness, she was so grateful for that.

And I think that just speaks to what day-to-day life is like for a lot of caregivers. That to them is a break. And so I think we can surround them even better as a community and do so much more for them.

Yeah, we take wiping the counters for granted.

We take a five-minute conversation with your partner for granted. We just do. Well, five minutes is actually pushing it because my husband and I, we don't talk about much anymore.

It's like been together so long. It's like one word. Yep.

It's moved to telepathy at this point.

Yeah, exactly. You're like, I know what you'll say.

I heard a comment yesterday about someone said, oh, I just consider you an extension of myself. I always forget that you're your own person. And I love that because I do think that way.

Yeah.

Like I thought I told you. I was like, no, I just said that a lot in my head then.

Yeah. No, that's the way it goes. No, we take it for granted.

And I love that your ministry is doing practical things, offering practical supports and also doing a check-in.

Like that's amazing because people that are isolated or are just so centered on what they're doing, so focused on what they're doing, aren't looking outward and you're giving a check-in and just a touch to community.

Yes. And along with that monthly meetup that we have, we also assign each caregiver a prayer partner. And so that's somebody who calls them weekly if they'd like.

Sometimes it's every other week, sometimes once a month, but that's their person just to text or call whenever they're having a struggle.

And that person will lift them up and encourage them and pray for them right there on the spot and just provide that listening ear that is often lacking because as a caregiver, you're doing it out of love.

You love your loved one and you never want to make them feel like a burden. When we speak of the burdens of caregiving, we're not talking about the loved one that they're caring for. We're talking about what you're going through together.

And there's so many wonderful organizations out there for the patient, for the person with the disease or the disability or aging. But there's really not much out there, as you know, better than anyone for the caregiver.

It's like, who's going to take care of the caregiver?

And that is the very reason I started what I do, because I witnessed the lack of supports for the caregiver.

I would see what was available for the resident in the care home, but there was very little extra support that was available for the caregiver. And so when I was able to, I started my own business to support the caregiver.

But there's, yeah, it's hard. It's hard, especially just doing it by yourself as well. And it's hard.

Yeah.

But it's harder for caregivers.

It is.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do.

I mean, it's just, I feel blessed and privileged to get to do this. And I'll have caregivers send thank you notes to CSN, and like, thank you so much. I'm like, no, thank you.

This is so, I just, I love it. They're my people, and I just feel so at home with them. It's just a group of such fantastic people.

And like I said, caregivers, they're all doing it out of such great love for their loved one.

And really an example, my dad says this all the time, they're such an example of Jesus and how Jesus washed the disciples feet and how Jesus laid his life down for people.

And that's what caregivers are doing every day in the privacy of their own home. Most people, they're not being seen or thanked, especially if their loved one's nonverbal. They're not getting a thank you.

And it's really easy to feel like no one even knows I'm doing this, and we want to change that. We don't want it to be a thankless job. We don't want it to be a hidden community anymore.

Yes.

And you said there are so many rewards, and a testament to that is the fact that you have 20 volunteers, 20 on your volunteer staff just lining up to do it. So that's really cool.

Yeah. And it's all people, for the most part, who are like, oh, I took care of my grandmother, or I took care of my sister, or some of them are currently caregiving.

That's what blows my mind is they're currently caregiving, and they're still wanting to give of themselves to other caregivers.

Because it starts to become a really mutual relationship where you're supporting each other, you're carrying each other along. And I think that's the beauty of our world being so virtual now. We're a country away, and we can still do this.

And that's the case with our caregivers here, is they can be states away, they can be in the most rural area, and not have access to any other resource, and they can still connect to caregiving support network, and find that home.

And you do get approached by people who are not local to you.

Yes. Yeah. Yes.

So we have caregivers across the country.

Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. I haven't expanded to Canada yet, but someday we would love to expand.

Well, you did make a tiny little inquiry, though, I think.

I did, yes. I'm always, you know, our vision for CSN is the big one. Like I said, there's a lot of caregivers here in the US, but that doesn't mean there's not caregivers everywhere else, too.

And so I really think that this model is a real solution to the worldwide issues that all caregivers have in common. You know, every story is so unique in a lot of ways, as far as disability or your loved one.

Like, no one knows your loved one like you do when you're a caregiver. And so that's really unique. But we also have a lot in common where we've all dealt with the isolation and the depression and the anxiety and the burnout that comes along with it.

And so I really think and I know I've seen it happen in front of me, that this is this is really the answer to that.

If I remember correctly, you said you're a nonprofit.

We are. We're a 501c3 non-profit.

And how did that go creating or setting up that 501c3?

It was a process. Anything involving legal kind of paperwork can be a headache. But God carried us through that stage, and we're fully funded by individual donors.

And so I think that's been the other part of the community that has to be mentioned, because these are folks who, sometimes they're not even the wealthiest person in the world, but they just want to give $10 to give a caregiver a cup of coffee, or

gift card for a cup of coffee. And that makes such a huge difference. And so what I always say to people who are like, well, I don't have a lot of expendable income.

Maybe I don't have a donor-advised fund or a foundation or something, but I want to help. It takes as little as $10 to change someone's life.

So it's really been incredible to see that side of the community as well, come through and join in with the caregivers. And it's just awesome.

So how long have you been doing this? How long has it been set up?

About two years. We filed the paperwork on my mom's birthday, which was really a full circle moment, really a God moment of just acknowledging God in the whole process. I mean, he's the one who brought this idea to us, to me.

My husband encouraged me to go for it. And here we are. We just had our two-year mark of operations of being up and running.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

So how did you celebrate that two years?

We just, I talked to our caregivers, and just it was so cool.

We had a, this wasn't necessarily for the two-year anniversary, but it happened right around the same time. So I'm counting it.

But we had our virtual meetup, and it was just so fun seeing all the faces and all the caregivers come on the call and just say, wow, you know, look at where God's brought us from being, you know, an idea to the paperwork process and feeling like

this is ever going to happen. And then now seeing the whole network of folks, like you, including yourself, and just all the amazing people we've met and all the feedback we've gotten from caregivers of saying, I wish Caregiving Support Network was

I hear that comment a lot with former caregivers.

I don't want anyone else to ever have to go through what I went through.

Yeah, exactly. And I agree. You know, that's one reason I started this is I felt the same way.

I hope you won't mind me saying, Rebekah, you are so young to have embraced this.

I don't want to be ageist in the reverse.

No, you're fine. You're fine. You know, I do get that a lot.

And people are like, you know, why is someone who's a 20 something, you know, late 20 something, getting closer to 30 every day. But, you know, why is someone, why are you doing this? And it's because I've been through it.

You know, I happened to go through it at the front, you know, part of my life. A lot of people don't go through that until they're older, either whether it's having children or taking over care for an aging parent.

But I happened to go through it really young. And I think that God wanted caregiving support network to come into existence.

You were grown into caregiving.

Yes. Yeah.

Yes. That's amazing. I love your energy.

I love your enthusiasm. I love that you saw the need and you did something about it. And you're embracing it now.

You're just, you are contagious.

Thank you. And so are our caregivers.

I mean, it's such a humbling thing and a lot of ways to kind of be their voice on places like this podcast, because you may not be able to talk to every single caregiver, but I can share their experiences and what they're going through behind the

scenes, and hopefully shed some light on that. You know, it's something we say a lot, they're a hidden community, and I referenced this earlier, because they are hidden. They're at home. That's the very nature of caregiving.

You know, you're at home taking care of your loved one, and I don't want them to be hidden anymore. I want to bring them into the light and help them and surround them with love and compassion and practical help as well.

There's a lot of good things to be said for research and raising awareness and all these things, but at the end of the day, a caregiver is still burned out.

A caregiver still can't take a break, you know, and so that's where our practical support ministry comes in and actually changing their day to day.

Okay. I just wrote a blog, and it's called Caregiving Supports Matter, and it's about that. It's about the corporations that are trying to get things going, but I call it the starfish on the beach.

I use this starfish on the beach story. It's the immediate need of the caregiver right now. They don't care about what's going on behind the scenes in corporations.

They don't. They care about making it through the day, making it through the hour, making it through the minute.

Exactly.

And we're not saying that stuff's not important at all, but caregivers don't have time to wait on a law to be changed, or legislation to go through, or awareness to be raised of what they're going through, because they're going through it right now.

Yeah.

Their need is immediate.

Yeah. They're struggling right now. And I just think we have to do better about coming in and actually changing their day to day and what that looks like for them, which is as easy as helping them out sometimes with cleaning the house.

And I think that's what's mind-blowing to a lot of people is, it's easy in a sense to change someone's life. You know, so sometimes it takes as little as, like I said before, $10, you know, can totally change someone's day, someone's trajectory.

And I love the point about partnering a caregiver up with a prayer partner. Now, prayer partner might be scary to someone who is not a believer, but having someone you can just text or reach out to and vent to, just help you get through the moment.

It's kind of like having a sponsor when you're in AA. So if we could look at it that way so that there isn't a, oh, that's scary because I don't go to church. That's a little foreign to me.

But I really like that idea of having someone that they could just tap into right away immediately.

Absolutely. And we thought of that when designing the program because we want it to be a very welcoming place. Whether you're a believer or not, you're always welcome at the Caregiving Support Network.

And we're very upfront that this is what we believe. This is what we're based out of. We are really passionate about our faith, so you will hear us talk about it at some point.

But we want them to know that they are more than welcome, whatever they believe, because we want to help them as a caregiver and we want to help give them hope.

And so we've had caregivers come through that aren't believers, and they've just said, this is awesome. I wish I had found you guys sooner.

But I'm glad you've addressed that as well.

Yeah. The whole topic that we could dive into about how, in some ways, I think it's our fault as believers, in some ways that we're not the most welcoming place on Earth.

You know, we should be, we want to be, and that's what CSN is about, is we're going to walk alongside you. You know, we're not here to drag you into a church building. We're here to live out the gospel in front of you.

And bless you.

Yep.

And bless you, sadly.

Yeah. Well, just an aside, my business name is called Alongside Caregiver Consulting. So just an aside.

That's perfect.

It's perfect. Well, I knew when we met that there was just so much mission alignment, but just in our personal lives, and then also in our in our organizations.

And so I was really excited to talk to you and do this podcast because I think we have the same heart for what we want to do.

I think so, too. Mine is much older.

That's OK. We need everyone.

That's part of, you know, when we chose our name, Caregiving Support Network, specifically picked the word network because we want it to be a community of businesses, young and old, rich and poor, you know, no discrimination at all.

You know, if you care about caregivers, this is your place.

Fabulous. A level playing field.

Absolutely.

Yeah. Before we go on, I want to know what soup your mother had you learn to make.

This chicken soup. We never had a name for it other than chicken soup, but I recently learned it's very similar to New Brunswick stew. I made it for some friends and they said, oh, this is like New Brunswick stew.

And I didn't know that.

So it sounds thick and rich and yummy.

Oh, good. It's so comforting. It's my favorite comfort food.

I actually hadn't made it in a very long time, because if you're grieving someone, you'll understand sometimes that brings you comfort, but sometimes it's also hard to do things that remind you of your loved one.

But it was very healing to make it and share it with friends.

Lovely.

And there's no real recipe. You just throw everything in. Those kinds of things.

Yeah.

And maybe the secret ingredient is a few tears.

There you go.

Yeah.

There you go. A lot of love.

A lot of love.

Yeah.

Yeah. I've seen the picture of you with your mom. It's on your website, and there's beautiful smiles there.

But there must have been so much going on behind those smiles, especially for your mom, knowing that she had this diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.

Yes. I know that she went through her own grieving process. My dad and her would tell the testimony of they were on the way to their neurologist.

I believe it was for an MRI, and this is when, right before she was diagnosed, they were very confused. They didn't know what was going on. A lot of really scary symptoms, and they were just dreading it and grieving what could be.

They didn't have answers yet, and they saw this billboard that said, never, never, never give up. And that was my mom's motto, really.

My dad and I always joke that we would be terrible patients because we make much better caregivers than we do patients because she was the most patient person, compassionate, joyful.

I'm not saying she didn't have her hard moments or hard days because she absolutely did. I mean, she was human. How could you not?

But she had such a strong faith, and everyone who got around her would just ask her, you know, Sherry, why do you smile? You're so smiley. You're always smiling and you're always happy.

And that just came from her deep-rooted assurance of her relationship with the Lord.

Never, never, never give up.

That's right.

Yeah. I love that you say you and your dad would be terrible patients because you had no patience.

I really probably wouldn't be the best. I mean, when I get a cold, my husband nicely doesn't actually yell at me. But he always says, you need to rest.

I'm just terrible at sometimes at practicing what I preach and taking care of myself.

Well, that's because you're a doer. You have a mission.

Yes.

Yeah. You don't want to slow down.

That's right. And so that's I also relate to our caregivers that we're working with in that, because as a caregiver, you feel like you can't stop.

And that is true unless you have someone coming in to relieve you, but even then, sometimes there's a lot of guilt that is associated with it of, I feel like I'm a bad caregiver.

I'm leaving my loved one with someone else who doesn't know her like I do, or doesn't know him like I do. And if you have the opportunity and the resources to do so, it makes you a better caregiver at the end of the day.

I hear of so many caregivers who put off going to the doctor for themselves. There are health checkups. And it is a huge thing with pretty bad consequences sometimes.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

It was quite a journey, though.

It was quite a journey. And a lot of good and bad mixed up together.

So, yeah. I think your mom would be so proud of you.

Thank you.

Knowing that the lessons she taught you are now being shared with so many people, and you've got a ministry out of the deal.

Yes, I hope so. She was a very shy person, too. And so, I'm really happy to be the one to get to share her story.

Yeah.

Well, I love what you're doing.

Thank you. I love what you're doing, too.

I'm running out of steam.

Hey, and that's okay, too. I mean, that's the point of it being a network, is we encourage each other, we help each other along the way. You know, we know it's not easy on either side, you know?

So post-caregiving has its own challenges as well. You know, after caregiving is a fairly new program at CSN, but it's one I'm really excited about, because I relate to that so much, especially in my current position of having lost my mom.

But you don't really stop being a caregiver when your loved one passes. It's always a part of you.

Oh, and I watched caregivers really struggle with who am I now? That was my identity. So tell me about that course that you have.

Well, it's just part of our program.

And so what we do is, if they're already with us, we continue the relationship with the prayer partner as long as they need.

And organically, that kind of can tend to fade a bit over time as they get involved with their, you know, a job or their community.

They're able to plug back in to their local community, which is always our goal with our caregivers, is to plug them in locally. Because nothing replaces that face-to-face, in-person interaction.

We help them with resume writing and incorporating their caregiving experience into their resume.

Because a lot of these caregivers were really amazing professionals who lost their career when they became a caregiver, or had to put it on the back burner. And so, I've had a lot of them say, well, I've been out of the field so long.

How am I going to get back into it? And I feel like I lost all these skills. And our team is there to say, absolutely not.

You have gained skills. Being a caregiver, you have to multitask, manage projects, you know. I could just go on for probably an hour, just listing all the things and traits that you develop as a caregiver.

And so, we help them with resume writing, job hunting, if that's something that they want to pursue, and then make sure they're connected to grief resources as well.

That is brilliant.

It's a tough job to grieve, you know, and carry on. Yeah.

I love that. I love that you do a resume and that you say, no, no, you've got more skills now. That's really important.

But the grieving, yes. And grieving, grieving takes time. And to have someone walk with you through that, processing of your grief, what a great gift you're giving people.

Yeah, it's not something you want to go through alone.

And again, no one understands it, like people who have gone through it. And there's a special kind of grief that comes with moving on from caregiving specifically.

Obviously, anytime you lose a loved one, it's a tragedy, and you go through a grieving process for the rest of your life. But when you were also a caregiver, it adds this whole other layer of, like you said, loss of identity. And what do I do now?

I certainly experienced that after my mom passed away, and I got a job, a job that wasn't caregiving. And I just didn't know who I was anymore. And also, on top of that, you feel like you've lost a limb.

You feel like you've lost something that was such a part of you, because your whole life is enmeshed with your loved ones, your whole schedule, everything. And so it's a really scary place to be.

And I think, I know what helped me was connecting with someone. I had moved in the new city I was in. I connected with someone who had also lost her mom after caregiving.

And she got it. She understood. And just that understanding and feeling seen in that was a bomb.

How lovely.

Well, connecting with someone who had been through it, and you could identify, and you could just commiserate with, and she understood where you were coming from, and you understood what she'd been through. Of course, not the same person.

But yeah, I would imagine that you, after your mom passed away, you say you felt like you'd lost a limb. But your whole identity, your whole upbringing with your mom, she was always there, and you were always with her.

And so that would be very significant loss for you.

Right? Yeah. It's a very scary feeling, I think, for every caregiver who's in that after caregiving stage, is where do I go from here?

All of a sudden, not only did you lose your loved ones, you're grieving that loss of identity there. Usually, if you haven't had any kind of support, which is the case for most caregivers, they also have to rebuild a social circle.

They have to sometimes go find a church or start going to church again if that's something they want to do. And it's really hard. It's hard to also be grieving while you're doing all of that.

So it's a really important part of what we do with caregivers, is we're here for the whole journey and beyond.

Yeah. And I know working mostly with caregivers who are caring for someone who's living with dementia, the pre-grief, the grieving that goes on before they actually pass away is really heavy as well.

That's so true. That is such a good point. That grief of your loved one changing, losing certain aspects of them, sometimes not being able to communicate anymore, is really tough and kickstart to that grieving process very early.

And so, it's a heavy thing. It's a really heavy thing. And there's a reason there's statistics like the seven out of 10 caregivers facing depression and isolation.

There's higher suicide rates amongst caregivers. And reading all of that, having gone through the process myself, it's just how can we not do something? You know, so.

You're right.

And here we are.

That's right. One of our caregivers told me the other day, it was in one of our group calls, and she just said, I just want people to show up. There's so many people who say, oh, call me if you need something, or let me know if I can help.

And that is so overwhelming to a caregiver who is already juggling so many things, that the last thing, you know, when you're dealing with life or death situations as a caregiver, which you are a lot, if you're not there, your loved one has no one,

and that's a very risky situation. It's almost impossible to say, oh, let me come up with something for you to do to help me, and schedule a time, and figure this out.

That's so overwhelming to someone who's already up to here, you know, like, over your head, with overwhelm. You know, that's why I'm so excited.

It's why we're so serious about our practical side of the ministry, is that we take all of that work away, and just say, we see you, and we're going to take care of you in this way.

And obviously, we want their feedback, and make sure it's something that is helpful.

Well, true. You're not going to bulldoze them.

Exactly. Exactly. We're not going to show up without asking them if it's a good day, to be clear.

But sometimes, we'll send a care package to their door or send a box of soup. We have a really amazing network partner called Spoonful of Comfort. And so, they make it possible to ship and mail warm soup to people.

And so, we'll use them often too. I know. I love them just personally.

Spoonful of Comfort.

What a great name.

And then, we have another network partner called Ways to Wellness that puts together these really beautiful activity books for seniors. And it's for caregivers too.

They've had a lot of caregivers say, you know, I ordered this for my loved one, and this is such a great activity book. You know, they'll have anything from coloring to puzzles to Sudoku.

And I got this for my loved one, but I sat down and started doing it. And it was like a little retreat in my brain just for me. And so there's things like that, that we love doing for them.

And we always put together a care plan with the caregiver and figure out what they need the most.

That's a topic for the next podcast with you, because I'd love to hear more about that care plan. But I think we've spent a lot of time together today. Before we go, please tell the listeners how they can reach you.

Yes, they can find us online at caregivingsupportnetwork.org.

If you're a caregiver, there's a big button at the top that says Need Help. And we've made the process as easy as possible for you to go through, because we know if you're a caregiver, the last thing you want to do is do more paperwork.

So we have made the process as easy as we can. There's a three-step verification process so that we can do due diligence on our end, but we've made it as easy as we can to connect you with the community and get you practical support.

And then if you're hearing this and it sparked something inside where you want to get involved, you can scroll down, you can volunteer, donate, join the newsletter.

There's also a free devotional up on our webpage right now called 10 Day Journey to Hope. And it's praying through scripture for 10 days within a company worship playlist. And it's just our gift to you to help you draw closer to God.

Fabulous.

Is there a tidbit, a personal tidbit, you'd be willing to share with the listeners?

Yes. So, Alison, we were talking about this earlier, but my husband and my friends and family always joke that I'm an old soul because I love black and white television shows, like Andy Griffith. I love Lucy.

That is my peak comfort show. And then also any sort of old school candy or anything like that. I'm just a sucker for it.

So a sucker for suckers.

There you go.

Sometimes they joke. Maybe you should have been born. Maybe you were born in the wrong decade.

I have to share with you.

My mother-in-law came from Holland, and she learned to speak English through watching I Love Lucy.

Really?

Really?

Oh, that's hilarious.

I love that. Yeah.

That is cool.

So she had a great sense of humor.

I bet she did. You have to.

I know. Yeah. I thought that was a really innovative way of resourceful and innovative way of learning English.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Well, Rebekah, this has been delightful. I have enjoyed every moment with you today, and I really do hope the listeners check out your website and consider bringing something to a caregiver, just something simple.

Thank you so much for having me. This has been such a wonderful time.

Thank you. For those of you who are caregivers, much of what Rebekah shared will ring true, like the impact a two-hour break from caregiving can have.

For Bekah, she felt like she was on vacation, and for her friend, she used her time to wipe her countertop and have a five-minute conversation with her spouse.

These respite breaks can make such a difference for a caregiver who may be feeling isolated, anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed and on the road to burnout.

Rebekah took what she learned from her experiences and set up a non-profit to provide a welcoming community for all caregivers, regardless of their beliefs or status, pairing practical supports with prayer, and these supports can continue after

caregiving. She has a call to action for those who are not caregivers themselves, but who know a caregiver, and that is to do something simple for them. Perhaps drop off a meal or just show up.

Give them a gift certificate for a house cleaning service. Offer to spend time with their loved one, to give the caregivers their own two-hour break, that for them may also feel like a mini vacation.

Overall, her message is to let the caregivers in your life know they are seen and not forgotten.

If you are in the midst of your own caregiving journey and need some supports, I invite you to tap into alongside caregiver consulting dot ca or alongside caregiver consulting's Facebook page or Instagram account, or to contact Rebekah Dowhy through

her website, caregiving support network dot org. Thank you for tuning in today. And to Rebekah, thank you for sharing your caregiving story and for creating the Caregiving Support Network.

If you enjoyed today's episode, and I hope you did, tell your friends and other caregivers about it. And if you don't want to miss future episodes, be sure to subscribe to the Island Treasures podcasts. See you next episode.