Island Treasures Mini Podcast: No Regrets

A central theme of the full podcast episode with Rayna Neises, called "Rayna's Caregiving Wisdom: No Regrets and Cherished Memories" was how to have no regrets when caregiving.

After 26 years of caregiving during which Rayna completed her training to become a certified coach, Rayna shares what enabled her to be able to look back on her caregiving experience and say she has no regrets.  

We review how to define regrets, what it means to embrace a growth mindset, and we hear what questions we can ask ourselves to enhance our own wellbeing through a caregiving season.

Rayna talks about her book called "No Regrets: Hope for your Caregiving Season" and how the first 10 chapters address caregiving and the remaining 6 chapters are devoted to self-care and not losing oneself in the role of caregiver.

We hear how she creatively incorporated physical activity into the home environment for her dad who benefited from being able to participate in sports and how playing ping pong together led to creating memories.

A huge part of having no regrets when caregiving is making cherished memories with your loved ones, all while maintaining personal joy and creativity.  

For more from Rayna visit her website A Season of Caring.com; and for more details on the excerpts contained in this mini podcast episode, please check out the full episode "Rayna's Caregiving Wisdom: No Regrets and Cherished Memories".

Transcript

Thank you for tuning in to the Island Treasures Podcast.

We value the insights shared by our guests and hosts, but it's important to note that their personal experiences are intended to inform and encourage, and not to replace professional, legal, or medical advice.

With that, we are ready for today's exciting episode. Welcome to Island Treasures Mini Podcast for Caregivers. I am your host and caregiver consultant, Alison van Schie from beautiful Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada.

This mini episode highlights a key theme from the full Island Treasures podcast episode with Rayna Neises, called Rayna's Caregiving Wisdom, No Regrets and Cherished Memories. That theme is No Regrets.

Rayna was a caregiver for both her parents, spanning 26 years. How often do we hear caregivers say that they don't want to have any regrets?

Let's visit a few excerpts to hear how Rayna managed to have no regrets, as she looks back on her caregiving experience. Here she talks about how she defines regrets.

I have a growth mindset. So I have a way of looking at things that I'm not failing. I'm just finding what didn't work, right?

And so caregiving is full of that. There's all kinds of things that you can look at and go, oh, I wish I hadn't done that. But you can also look at it and say, well, that didn't work.

What will work? What could I try that will make this better? This isn't working for me.

This isn't working for them. This isn't working for my siblings, whoever it is. What will work?

How can I make it different so that I can look back and say, not that I was perfect, but that I don't regret any of it. Going wholeheartedly into it and doing the very best that I could with what I knew at the time.

Recognizing that she was doing the best she could with what she knew at the time really helped, as did having a growth mindset.

For those of us who may not have a growth mindset naturally, let's listen to Rayna as she talks about how coaching can be beneficial when caregiving. She offers tips on what questions we can ask ourselves to help us along.

I love coaching. Coaching is such a beneficial activity for a person that has a lot going on in their life. And it's difficult with caregiving because there are so many things that are popping out at you all the time.

But I think the key with coaching is it's just creating space for you to really hear your heart and to really think through things in maybe a different way.

So as a coach, one of the things I love to do is just ask questions that help you change perspective or see a little different mindset. And then if, you know, if the situation is correct, then give you maybe some ideas of things that worked for us.

But mainly, it's really having a space to slow down your own thought process, think through what's important to me. Now, how do I accomplish that? I kind of learn to coach myself every week on my way home by asking myself questions.

One of my first questions was, how am I? I don't think we ask ourselves that often enough. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm thankful, I'm happy, whatever the feelings were at that time.

What do I need? Everything depended. Sometimes some weekends had been rough.

I needed more rest. Sometimes I needed more time to be creative. I had a friend that I would call my funny friend, and I'd be like, I need time with her because I just need to laugh.

What do I need? And then I would ask myself questions about my dad. How is dad?

How does he seem? How is he emotionally, not just physically? What does he need?

What do I need to put into place to help meet those needs? I'm not always the answer to his need, but I can help problem solve his need.

And so I learned to ask myself those questions, but I also had coaches that I was working with through training and after that can help me to explore more.

And I think that's part of why I was able to stay healthy emotionally and maintain relationships and keep my identity through my caregiving was because I was really intentional about it, because I understand what coaching can do for you.

Those questions are a great start for helping provide clarity. Rayna has also authored a book called No Regrets, Hope for your Caregiving Season, and here she speaks more about what her book offers as a resource for caregivers.

My book is No Regrets, Hope for your Caregiving Season, and I just offer 10 chapters of kind of how I cared for them in different ways, and then the last six chapters are how to take care of yourself, because I think that's just as important as

caring for them. We are daughters, we are wives, we are mothers, where there's so many different roles, and when we allow caregiving to overcome all of it, we bury them with regrets.

We develop anger and bitterness and all of those things that are ugly and we don't want. So it's important to find how do you stay true to who you are as well, and honor that even in your caregiving season.

In those first ten chapters, Rayna's book focuses on care for her parents, which included recognizing their core needs. In this excerpt, she explains how she met the need to keep her dad physically active with sport. Take a listen.

How do you look at who the person is and what they love and modify that?

Some of my favorite memories, we found ping pong again.

My dad and I played ping pong when we were young, when I was young, and we were looking for activities that weren't outside in the 100 degree weather in Missouri, and I bought just a little net to go on the kitchen table, and we played for two and a

half hours the first time we played. And within a month, we had a ping pong table off of Craig's List, and we played three weeks before he passed away.

So just some of those ideas of how do you find what they love and give them what they can still do, how we modify it, how do we make it best for them.

Those ping pong games sounded enjoyable for both Rayna and her dad. She had found an effective way to integrate activity into the home while creating lasting memories with him.

Make memories, be intentional about those experiences. Staying in the moment is one of the most important things you can do as a caregiver.

Not borrowing trouble from the future, not feeling guilty about the past, but staying right there in the moment with them, but intentionally making memories with them in moments that they can enjoy.

That simple go and have an ice cream cone and take a picture of them joyfully eating that ice cream cone will be something that you will really cherish.

So I just like to encourage people to think about how they can capture those, how they can make those moments and capture those moments because they're gone before you know it and you're going to miss them. So cherish them while you have them.

Making memories and finding what works for you and your loved ones during your caregiving season are all components that can lead to having no regrets. For more information from Rayna, be sure to check out her website as seasonofcaring.com.

Thank you for joining me today as I recognize how precious your time is, especially as caregivers. And so this mini podcast was designed just for you. And when you have more time, I invite you to listen to the full episode with Rayna Neises.

If you have a question or a comment, you can text the show through the link in the show notes. And if you enjoyed the episode, be sure to tell a friend, especially if they're a caregiver.