Brittany Estes: Flipping the negative scripts in our heads

Have you ever let an offhand comment negatively impact your self-image for years - even decades? Do you find yourself casually saying things like, "I'm such an idiot"? Brittany Estes, author of “Flip the Script,” shares her story of overcoming negative internal scripts - plus why she wrote a whole new book to help teens do the same! 

Purchase "Glow Up: A Teen's Guide to Flipping the Script": https://www.amazon.com/Glow-Up-Teens-Flipping-Script/dp/168426362X

Purchase "Flip the Script: Make Your Move from Broken to Brilliant": https://www.amazon.com/Flip-Script-Make-Broken-Brilliant/dp/1684261627

Transcript

Katie: Hey everybody, and welcome to Oh My Word with Katie, the show where we share stories of real-life Christianity, the good, the bad, and the oh my word, from believers who've been there. I'm your host, Katie Ginn, and I think these stories will leave you with some hope, some humor, and maybe some practical life hacks.

Today I have the honor of interviewing Brittany Estes. She is an author, a life coach, a mother of eight, and she just released her latest book, Glow Up: A Teen's Guide to Flipping the Script. So we're gonna talk about that, what inspired her to write this book as well as its predecessor, Flip the Script, and how God has led her to flip the script in her own head - as well as just what she wishes she knew about her worth in Christ as an 18-year-old.

So Brittany, thank you so much for being on the show today!

Brittany: Oh my goodness, thank you so much for having me. I'm excited.

Katie: Yeah. And we love to open the podcast with an oh my word story, and I think you have one, so take it away. 

Brittany: Yes. So my oh my word story like literally came to me last night. So in my book, Glow Up, the very last chapter, I started with a story of my two sons.

So you said I have eight kids, and literally I had seven within eight years kind of thing, like it was super quick. Five were biological, three are adopted out of that eight. But when I had two that were literally less than two years apart, I remember, I think I was pregnant with my third at the time because remember it was bang, bang, bang.

And one morning I woke up and I was like, oh my gosh, my boys let me sleep in. Like how sweet of them? I was so excited. And so I get up and I go check in their room and they're not in the room and I'm like, that's interesting, especially because my youngest was still in a crib, like he was almost two years old.

He could have been out of a crib, but that was the moment that we were like, cool, he can climb out of a crib. Maybe we should move him to a toddler bed. So I was like, where are they? And it was silent in the house, and I don't know if you have kids or whatnot, but when your children or anyone like you're babysitting or whatever, if it's quiet with toddlers, you should be aware, like there's something going on. Mischief is happening. And I was like, okay, what's going on? So I walked down the hall into the kitchen and I see that my two kids had pulled up chairs to the counter, and they're both standing there, and I hear my oldest, who was like two and a half at the time, looks at my son Titus and says, oh no, Titus.

And I'm like, oh no. And then all of a sudden, oof! Flames catch out from the toaster. And I'm like, oh my gosh. And so like I have to push the kids out the way, I unplug the toaster and literally the door to our backyard was like right there. So I threw it outside into the rain. Thank the Lord it was raining because I didn't know what else to do.

I have no idea what the neighbors thought was happening 'cause I was in a townhouse at the time. And like we were in seminary too, by the way. 'Cause my husband was going to school to be a pastor. You see someone chuck an engulfed, enflamed toaster outside, like what's happening? But come to find out what happened was, Titus had found two batteries and went to toast them like like he sees mom make toast in the toaster. And let me just tell you, that is not a good idea because it caught the toaster on fire. So that would be my oh my word moment.

Katie: Yeah. Great way to wake up. And they did let you sleep in, so you know. 

Brittany: I just, I think I would've rather them wake up earlier. Like, my husband came home that day and I was like, so I have a story to tell you. Um, yeah. Everything's fine. But the toaster's a goner.

Katie: Yeah. Well, you know, you can get a new toaster.

Brittany: Right. Well, we had to for sure.

Katie: You probably have a lot of stories like that with eight of them. 

Brittany: I do. Like, I wish there was like a day where I was like, I don't have an oh my word story, but I feel like every day there's a new one, you know? 

Katie: Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. So you mentioned your husband being in seminary, going to school to be a pastor, so you kind of have dubbed yourself the pink-haired pastor's wife. So yes, not your typical, vision of what people in the Bible Belt might see, but obviously you love the Lord, so I would love to hear who told you about Jesus.

Brittany: Yeah, so actually it was my parents. I grew up in a church. Neither of my parents did. And there was just a moment when they were adults where they met Jesus in such a big and personal way. And so when they started having children, they were like, this is how we wanna raise our kids. So, I mean, like literally we were at church every time the doors were open.

My dad was a deacon in our church. They worked, we talked about this, they worked for a big superstore, like the corporate side of it, growing up. And then my senior year of high school, my dad felt called into the ministry. And so then he like aborted plans and changed everything and went to seminary to become a pastor.

So I mean, for a very young age, faith and just the basics of what it looked like to have a relationship with Jesus was very much instilled into how I grew up. 

Katie: And the, not just the belief, but the living it out. If God calls you to do a complete about-face... 

Brittany: That's probably one of the coolest stories of my life, and I tell my dad that, like, you showed me what it looked like, to say yes when the answers weren't there because he literally was like leaving a very big-paying job, both my parents, to say like, I need to go to school, because he hadn't finished his college degree, to then go to seminary that he wasn't even accepted in at the time. Like we literally changed, uprooted our lives and stuff on the "God said this" and it was like He came through with the answers just at the last second. And my parents were like, but this is what He said to do. And it's been the biggest thing. Like I tell him all the time, you showed me what it looks like to walk out faith and believe like God said this, it doesn't make sense, but I'm gonna keep going until He changes plans.

Katie: Yeah. That's so cool. So you probably have a really great capacity to just, you know, roll with the punches and go where God leads - sometimes it's easier to be okay with our circumstances than it is to be okay with ourselves. At least I find that sometimes, like I'm like, oh, well this stuff is happening. Well that's not my fault. I just gotta deal with it, you know?

But if I'm doing something wrong, oh, the world is on fire. That's where some of these negative scripts can come in, which you talk about in both of your books - negative internal scripts that we listen to in our minds that kinda cause us to believe lies about ourselves, even as Christians who know the truth.

So what were some of the lies you believed about yourself? How did those come about in your teen, young adult years, and how did you come to realize you needed to flip the script? 

Brittany: So with my first book, I'm talking to an older audience, like women my age and even younger. I wrote it for my age and younger. And then I had older women who were like, man, I wish I had this book 20 years ago. But, the idea behind a negative script is like, you have a lie that all of a sudden, for me it was, something is wrong with me. That's what I believed down, deep down to my core.

And the crazy thing is when you see that, it's almost like once you recognize that lie, you can see it lit through your past of, yep, there was a moment where there was something wrong with me. Yep. And so it's almost like it solidifies, this is truth, even though it's not true. And so I remember in high school, even down to, I had friends who were like short and petite and it made me feel - and I was very average, average height and build - but I felt big and huge. So there's something wrong with me. I was overweight, or I was too loud in school. The teachers would always get onto me because my voice would carry and stuff. And I'm like, but they're talking too. And they're like, yeah, but it's 'cause your voice is loud.

And like, just deep down things, like my grandfather used to tease me because I'm left-handed. He would joke all the time, like, Brittany, if you're not right-handed, what are you? And I'm like, I'm left-handed, Grandpa. And he's like, no, if you're not right-handed, what are you? And we'd go round and round and round, and I mean, I knew this 'cause he would do this every time we saw him, until he'd be like, you're wrong-handed! haha! Like, just the biggest dad joke, right? But even jokes like that would cement in my mind, like, you remember? There's something wrong with you. Everyone else is right-handed. You're wrong-handed. You are big and fat. You should probably work to lose weight. You know, see, you're in a size whatever, and they're in a size this, or you're too loud, or you failed this test.

And so it was like, I recognized it in my adult years that that's the lie I had believed deep down in my core. And so anytime something would happen, I would give credit to, it's because there's something wrong with me. And the scary part is, we root that in the, if there's something wrong with me, then that means God created a mistake.

That means He didn't know what He was doing, or I'm broken. And then that breaks the fundamentals of what the Bible says about who we are and what He creates and what He does. So that was probably my biggest problem or my biggest script that I faced growing up. 

Katie: Yeah. So what, how do you distinguish between that lie - there's something fundamentally wrong with me, just inherently - and the truth that, well, because of sin we are broken, so there is something wrong? But how, how did you navigate that? 

Brittany: Well, I think we as Christians are really good at devaluing our worth because we know that sin piece. And so we're like, we're not worthy because we did all these things.

And I'm like, oh please, the Lord thought we were so worthy, God thought we were so worthy that He sent His Son Jesus to die for us. Like, you don't do that, you don't make that kind of choice or sacrifice, if you weren't like, I'm chasing after you and I love you. And so understanding like, yes, there's mess-ups yes, we make wrong moves, yes, that breaks God's heart, but it breaks His heart because He loves us so much and sees the worth and value that we have, and we're subscribing to lesser things.

So that's the piece, but you can't reconcile all of it unless you understand who you actually are and the worth that you have in that moment. To see how sad it is that you're living a different life. Does that make sense? 

Katie: Yeah, for sure. God wants better for us. Yeah. Yeah. So let's talk about the books. You said you wrote Flip the Script for like your age and younger, so like twenties, thirties-ish?

Brittany: Twenties, thirties, and forties was kind of my target.

Katie: Yeah. Okay. Okay. And then you kind of had women come to you and say, man, I wish I'd had this when I was even younger.

Brittany: Yes. So I had like men come up to me and I was like, oh, I have such a girly cover. I'm sorry, I didn't know, like you, you read this book, sorry about that. But then like, I would have women in my seventies, in their seventies and stuff, say like, gosh, I wish I knew this. Like, I know you didn't write this for me, but this message was for me, and I'm so sad that I've lived this amount of time here. And just even my age saying like, I wish I had this back then, you know?

Katie: Yeah. Yeah. So then, you know, hearing that, like my first, of course I'm an editor, I'm a magazine editor, when I would hear that, I would be like, oh, well I should take this book and I should just tweak it. I should just revamp it for the younger audience. But you wrote a whole separate book. What went into that decision? 

Brittany: I just thought the teen audience - so you as an editor probably understand this - not a lot of people are reading print in that age demographic. They could care less. They're scrolling on their phones, they're doing things, and I thought, if I'm going to grab their attention, I've gotta do it in a whole new way, in a way that makes sense for them.

And so honestly, it was a gift to write the first book, because I found out the best way to do the first book was actually not just reading it by yourself, but doing it in community. I think it's so easy to read the book and identify what the lie is or to disassociate, because it's so hard to kind of sit in that, what does this lie look like, and then change. But when you're in community and you can talk about it and you can work through it together, one, it solidifies your community and builds this beautiful bond when you're vulnerable around each other. But two, it can also bring to light things that maybe you don't see. And the Lord's like, yes, we need to work on that. Here's truth.

So it was, I got to see the pieces that I wish were a little different from the first book. And then knowing that I have a younger audience, how do I tweak that and make that something that might interest them to grab their attention long enough to be like, here's the deal. Flip the script now before there's issues later on, you know?

Katie: Yeah, yeah. Well, and I saw one of your Facebook posts, like the day after it was published. Maybe it was like number two on Amazon new releases? 

Brittany: It went up to number one. Yeah, it was the craziest thing, and I was like, holy cow. Like, yeah, I mean, you write a book and you hope the best for it, and you hope that like incredible things will happen.

But then reality, I'm like, I'm just a mom of eight. Like I work at a church. I do these things. Like not just, but you know what I mean? Do you know how normal I am? 

Katie: Right, yeah.

Brittany: And so then to see that, like I was in tears, like, holy cow, like, yes, this message matters. Like not about me, like oh, I did these things, but thank you so much for understanding that this generation needs this word. Like, thank you so much for seeing this, you know? 

Katie: Yeah, yeah.

Brittany: Yeah, it was crazy. I mean, a week later it was still number one, so it's, that's a big deal. 

Katie: That's really, really cool. So you already mentor a group of teen girls.

Brittany: Um mm-hmm.

Katie: What have you learned from them? You know, we obviously know that the social media thing is a huge difference from when you or even I were growing up. What are other differences? Like how is their experience different from yours, and how is it the same? 

Brittany: I think it's the same in the aspect of female friendships are tough, no matter what generation that is. I think we can be each other's biggest cheerleaders and then their worst enemy at the same time, and it can flip depending on what the day is. I think comparison and competition is the same and hard. I think the fear of failing at whatever we do. I remember being in high school - I think this is the biggest thing is, in high school I thought everything was the end of the world.

Katie: Yeah.

Brittany: And to such big degrees, like my parents didn't understand. And like I would discredit, like yes, I know you went through high school, but it's not the same and now you've made it through it. I'm still in it and I don't know that I can make it out of it. I see that now and I'm like, oh Brittany. I mean, so sitting there with those teens being like, I understand, and I understand your thoughts are that I don't know what I'm talking about, but I need you to know that yes, it sucks right now, and yes, it's hard in this moment, but tomorrow will be a new day and it'll suck a little less. And you should be proud of yourself for making it to that next day.

So I think those basic things are the same. I think the differences are so much having to do with social media. There's a statistic that within one month of teen girls being on social media, their self-esteem decreases by 63% in one month.

Yeah, one month. It's like, why would we do that? Why would we do that?

Because people don't know. I think honestly and truly, if they understood to their core what this is doing to their children, they wouldn't do it. My kids are even annoyed at me that I don't let them have social media. Like you get one form of social media, one outlet when you're like, not 18, but when you're a senior, because I understand the reality is you're going into this world and you need to know how to function. And so I'm kind of like, here, let's do this. We have guardrails on what that looks like and stuff, but I wanna help you. And I'm like, it's not to be mean. I just can't let you do these things.

So social media plays into the FOMO aspect. It plays into the worth because there's so many people - Snapchat is probably the worst app that's ever been created. And you can never tell me that any good comes from that app. So I'm like, don't have it. But that's where people start sending inappropriate pictures of themselves and things.

So social media is probably the biggest issue. And these girls that I see and I talk to, I think because they have a phone at their fingertips, their life has been altered, not for the better. And I see mental struggles because of that.

Katie: And that's, so it's unfortunate because social media can be used for good. Like I use Facebook for story ideas. You know, I get on there and I post like, who's making an impact in the arts in Mississippi that I should profile? Or, you know, and I get all these comments and suggestions that I wouldn't know about. But then, the next day I am looking at some of those people on social media to vet them to see if I wanna put them on the cover of my magazine, and I'm looking at their trip to Tuscany, and I'm looking at their spontaneous dinner party with their curated place settings and everybody dressed cute, and I'm like, well, what am I doing? You know?

Brittany: Right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sitting here with pajama shorts and a nice shirt. That's my life today. 

Katie: Right! Yeah. So I mean, it's, I think it's tough on the teens 'cause they're immersed in it, but I mean, it's tough on, tough on us.

Brittany: Can you imagine them? And like, we've had all this life to do and we've had growing up without the screens. So our brains have developed in a, I'm gonna say it, in a better way than what they're dealing with.

And they're growing and maturing with it right in front of their eyes. 

Katie: Yeah. That's insane. So having said all that - what is, if you could share one tidbit from your book that you could share with teens that might help them flip the script in their own minds, maybe they're like, okay I'm gonna get the book, but I gotta, you know, I need something now - what would be one tidbit you could share? 

Brittany: I'm glad you asked that. Definitely get the book. I put my own phone number in there and my email, so great way to contact me. On social media or wherever, just to find out if you need help. But one tip for you would be, like me with my statement, "There's something wrong with me," taking whatever that is that's stuck in your mind, like you've gotta recognize it. So the moment that you realize you're feeling down about yourself, or, you know, it's okay to have slump days, but sometimes the reason why you're having a slump day is because there's something going on there. So if you stop and say, okay, what is it? And then you realize, oh gosh, it's because I believe there's something wrong with me.

Or "I'm so stupid." Like even flippant things like when I trip and do something, I'm like, "Oh, I'm such an idiot." Oh my gosh, do you realize what you're saying is what you're gonna start believing? So taking that statement, "I'm such an idiot," and if you can follow that statement with "in Jesus' name" - so you say "in Jesus' name," and if it doesn't sound correct, so "I'm such an idiot, in Jesus' name," that doesn't sound right, then I should understand that what I'm believing is not truth. 

Katie: Wow. 

Brittany: If I can say I am hopeful, or I am making a difference in Jesus' name, whatever it is, if it doesn't sound wrong, then it's correct. If it sounds wrong, then it's not correct, and that's the moment you have to say, okay, then what is true?

Because in this moment I believe this is true. So what is actually true? What fits with it, in Jesus' name? And when you write it through or you figure it out with that, then you can have, it's just a quick, easy, this is true, this is not. 

Katie: Yeah, and that goes back to being in the Word too. 'Cause I mean, we might think, "I'm such an idiot," oh, that's not a big deal, I mean, we're just joking. But like, Jesus says if we say that about our brother, like we're in danger of hell fire. Right? Like, we're not supposed to say that about others. So why would we say it about ourselves? 

Brittany: Well, and even just those small things, like it builds up. So like with me when "There's something wrong with me," when that was my big script, stupid things like that, I'd be like, oh, you're right, you do trip all the time. It builds it up. It's so crazy how your minds catalog these things and build a case against yourself. 

Katie: Yeah. Yeah. So it seems clear from your books and what you just, what you do in your life that you feel called to pour into young women and teen girls. If somebody's listening and they're more in your position and wanting to do what you do, what helps you actually fulfill that calling when the alarm clock goes off in the morning? What are like the practical things or spiritual things or people or habits or whatever that help you do that?

Brittany: First of all, we have a crazy house with eight kids. But I think they kind of help fuel the message and understand, like when I see how they struggle and what they struggle with, I'm kinda like, what the heck? So I get to see a front row seat to it on the daily. But it can also be super draining.

So it matters the amount of hours that I sleep, it matters what I consume online. It matters the amount of time that I spend with the Lord on my own. Because I cannot help speak truth to someone else if I'm not consuming it as well and know it for myself. I think the biggest thing is I have to walk what I say, so I walk my talk so other people can see it. Just with my kids, if I'm telling them, you're not fat, or, no, don't say that about your body, but then I look in the mirror, I'm like, oh my gosh, I feel so fat today, that's what they see. That's what they see. So they're gonna discredit what I tell them, like, Mom's looking the opposite way. I do things, self care for myself, so I love running and that is a very big processing moment for me in my own mental state.

I think it's the time that I get to dream and spend with the Lord too, so it's super fun. But anytime I come back from that, I'm just like, whew. Okay. Rejuvenated and excited. And so you have to do those things that help care for yourself before - it's like the plane scenario. You put your oxygen mask on first before you can save someone else.

Like, you have to do those things to be able to help this next generation, because they need your help. They really, truly do. 

Katie: Yeah, for sure. All right, we're gonna go into our lightning round. Are you ready?

Brittany: Okay. Yes, let's do it.

Katie: First question, what is your favorite thing about Jesus and why?

Brittany: I love that He is unpredictable - and not in the sense of like you don't know what to expect from Him, but what we see about Jesus was He wasn't like, here are the rules, I'm always gonna follow them. He would keep people guessing in the sense - you can see His hand throughout all. All of it is, he cared about the people and so he wanted what was best for them in that moment, but he would throw religious Pharisees and people for a loop, like, I expected you to do this, or this is what that said, and He was like, hold please. You know, he's gonna flip tables, he's gonna do whatever. And so I love that about Him, that it wasn't like structure and rules and you cannot bend for them. He was a man of people and he chased after their hearts. 

Katie: Yeah. That's awesome. All right, and finally, do you have a favorite scripture or a life verse or just a scripture that relates to what we've talked about today? 

Brittany: I have a lot of them, but the one scripture that I've used to close both of my books, it doesn't come from The Blessing, but the moment it kind of clicked with me was when I was listening to the song, The Blessing, by Kari Jobe and Elevation Worship. And I loved it so much that I had it painted above my doorway. So it actually is above my doorway and it's Numbers 6:24-26.

May the Lord bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you and bring you peace. I love that scripture because I think, how cool is it to think the people who leave my house, this is a blessing. Like this is what I, my final words I wanna say to you, may the Lord bless you, may He be gracious to you.

And so I end my book saying that, and oftentimes like when my kids leave the house, we always have a saying, "God is awesome and so are you." And then I'm always like, "Make wise choices," but we've added in this scripture. And so we'll say it over them as they leave the house. And sometimes I'm sure they're like, uh, whatever, but they'll recite it back to us.

So the Word is just sticking to them and I just love that. And so it's just kind of become this life verse for our family, you know, just to think about that.

Katie: That is so cool. I would love to see the painting above your door. That's awesome.

Brittany: Oh, I'll send it to you. I'll send you a picture.

Katie: Yeah. Well, Brittany, thank you so much for being on the show today. I really appreciate it. And you can buy Flip the Script or the new book, Glow Up: A Teen's Guide to Flipping the Script, on Amazon or wherever books are sold, correct?

Brittany: Yes. Yes.

Katie: Awesome. Well, thank you so much again, and y'all, if you enjoyed this episode of Oh My Word with Katie, please share it with your friends and please, please, please give us both a rating and a review on Apple Podcasts, because the more of those we get, the more people we can reach with the joy that's found only in Jesus. I'll talk to y'all soon!