In this episode, the dads have their very first interview as they talk with Trevor who was the catalyst for the start of the podcast. They discuss his journey of becoming DAUGHTERED and get into some great conversation that Trevor brings to other girl dads. Among many topics, we discuss how our daughters are a mirror for us and how what we say, and more importantly how we go about things, have a major impact our how our girls are.
In this episode, the dads have their very first interview as they talk with Trevor who was the catalyst for the start of the podcast. They discuss his journey of becoming DAUGHTERED and get into some great conversation that Trevor brings to other girl dads. Among many topics, we discuss how our daughters are a mirror for us and how what we say, and more importantly how we go about things, have a major impact our how our girls are.
This is the Daughtered Podcast, where dads come to talk, think, and thrive with your hosts, Oscar and Blandon. Our mission is to cultivate a community of strong, mindful, and present fathers. We want to curate honest conversations with all men, but especially those who have the honor of raising daughters.
Oscar:Hey, everyone. Oscar here at the daughter podcast with Blandon on the other side. And today we've got the man Trevor. Trevor is, the person who essentially got everything in motion for us, to start this podcast. And, here we are now, working through the podcast, learning a lot, right, Blandon? Learning a lot. And
Blandon:are learning a lot right now. Yeah,
Oscar:yep. And finally,, Our first guest, which should be, no one else, but Mr. Trevor, how are you doing Trevor?
Trevor:I'm doing great. Thank you. I'm just so appreciative. Happy to be here. Talking to you guys right now. I appreciate you guys for starting this whole thing up. I've really, enjoyed the first few episodes and looking forward to talking with you today.
Oscar:Yeah, man. We're looking forward to you giving us some of your, your daughter's wisdom, because Blandon and I, we're, literally trying to learn and make up for me three playbooks. We talked about this, right. Or not play was what we say manuals. Three manuals that, I thought I had it going on the first one. And then each manual is different for the other vehicles that we have, which are our daughters. So, glad to have you here, man. How are you doing Blandon?
Blandon:I'm doing all right, man. I'm, I'm super excited to have Trevor on. You are literally the reason why we're doing this today. So please don't be humble about it. Like take your flowers right now, bro. Like we appreciate that someone wanted this space. And that we needed that, you know, that kind of like catalyst that, that swift kick in the butt to say, why aren't we doing this? We've been talking about this and now someone is like asking for it, looking for it. And, uh, although I do feel a little left out because I haven't been invited to this, uh, fuel hunt page, I mean, or, or, you know, community, I mean, I feel a way about it, but it is what it is. Oh,
Oscar:I'll have to teach you the standards first. We'll have to talk to Joey over at Fuel Hunt and, uh, see if we can make some room for you.
Blandon:okay. Okay. All right.
Oscar:We'll get you in, though. We'll
Blandon:Okay. We'll see. Well, I mean, you know, as long as, I mean, is there like a hazing process involved? Like you have to like, like wear boxers on my head and all the shaving cream on my face.
Trevor:work hard, I'll tell you that.
Blandon:Oh,
Trevor:not willing to put in work, and it's not the place
Blandon:Oh no. I'll put in work. I'll put in work. Yeah.
Oscar:Blandon's got the work thing down, for sure. So we'll, we'll get him, we'll get him going.
Trevor:You sound like a good fit.
Oscar:right. But the other thing that our folks don't know is that we've been, we've been trying to get this going for, a couple of weeks now. I've been talking to Trevor, you know, he's got a full time job. I've got a full time job. Brian has got a full time job. So we're trying to find this space. I've been traveling currently still not at home traveling. As you can see, my background is now in my daughter's room. As normal, uh, Blandon, you were traveling, and then you're going to travel here soon again. So we're trying to get these things going, Trevor. I know you've got, you know,, your everyday job, and then you got your daughters, which we'll talk about today. So, uh, man, I can't be more thankful to finally get on and, get this conversation going, and have you on here. Uh, so without further ado, we'll get started, man. Tell us about yourself, Trevor.
Trevor:I have two daughters. I have a nine year old and a four year old, uh, and I am a physical education teacher and a coach for the last, 20 years., and you know, my, my real focus is, is on being the best dad and the best husband that I can be. And that's why, you know, that's why I put that, that comment out there because, um, I'm always looking for, other perspectives and other ways to better myself, to be the best, best father to my kids that I can be. And so, I think this is, this is a, uh, a good avenue.
Oscar:Yeah, man, uh, and it was, the perfect timing. We mentioned, you know, we, uh, we've been talking about doing this for a while. We just like you, are constantly working to be better fathers, better husbands. And it really, you know, that better leader, cause we got to lead in our home. Right. And so, um. Man, we were all talking until until you put that out there and we're like, all right, there's it's go time So so so glad uh, so glad to have you man. And correct me if i'm wrong You're over on the east coast, right?
Trevor:I am, I'm in New York, about a, about a half hour outside of the city.
Oscar:New york. Okay, And uh, Tell me man, when when did you first get daughtered?
Trevor:So I was first daughter in 2019. I started 2014. 2nd 2nd time was 2019. Um, so, yeah, we found out that we were having a baby and officially on New Year's Eve a few hours before we were hosting a New Year's Eve party. So that was pretty wild. Um, you know, and then we.
Blandon:a way to bring in the new year, man.
Trevor:What's that?
Blandon:what a way to bring in the new year.
Trevor:For
Blandon:New baby.
Trevor:So, uh, we both, my wife and I both fully expected to, uh, to have a boy. I am, I'm one of three boys in my family and then going out extended family. I have, uh, you know, on one side of my family, there's 13 boys and two girls. And on the other side, there were nine boys and two girls. So, you know, I just figured, you know, this, this is what we do. We make boys, you know? And so when we, uh, when we found out we were having a girl, it was an absolute shock to, both of us.
Oscar:Wow, so, you and I were talking a little bit before we we hit record and you were mentioning your first thoughts, right? So, let me ask you first, your first thought about becoming a father. So, you know, you don't know you having a daughter yet, you're, you're, you know, you're having a child. Were you guys preparing to have a child? Did you kind of plan that out or was
Trevor:Um, no, it
Oscar:was your first thought?
Trevor:So it was, it was, uh, it was a surprise to us. But I was, I was super stoked, you know, I was so excited, like counting down the days till she was gonna be here. So at the point, at that point in time, I thought it was he, um, but counting down the days and then, you know, the day that, um, we found out that it was a girl, the first thing that popped into my head was not a baby girl. First thing that popped into my head was having, having to raise a teenage girl and having to make it through those teenage years. And, uh, that's been something that, um, I've always been concerned about. And, so that's, that's part of my, my drive is, is to, to build that foundation, uh, to have a good relationship with, with her, because I know that there's going to be rocky times to make it through. And having that foundation and that relationship, I think is probably the best way to get through that.
Oscar:Yeah, absolutely. The, uh, the thought process of, of us going Blandon explained his, I explained mine, but, um, it's so weird how we go for lack of better terms, we go to the negative right away. Right? Like we, I mean, I know I did, like, you know, you and I, Blandon, we talked, like, my first thought is like, wait a minute, a girl, like, guns,, security system, and what do I do when she's a teenager? Like, it's like legitimately a thought that goes through the mind. Um, so I, I'm, I'm right there with you. I don't know if, Blandon, did you have anything, did you have a thought up front like that of, of, of teenage, teenage girl? No.
Blandon:I didn't know. And everybody said that. And I think that was like, everybody was trying to intrude in on that. And I just, I couldn't get past the baby phase though. I couldn't, and I'm still there. Cause I'm like, we talked about you look up and they're like seven or nine or 12. And it's like, where did the time go? So Immediately. I, I didn't go to like what they're going to be like as a teenager, what they're going to be like, and as an adult, I was just, I guess captivated by that moment in time. Um, so yeah, I, I just kind of remained present. I think that will probably kick in later and take me by surprise, you know, and then I'll be a mess running to you guys for assistance and help. But yeah, I, I guess I should have, okay. Look toward that, but I didn't. No, no, man. I didn't.
Oscar:and you mentioned it, and, and maybe Trevor, you can, you can, uh, relate to this is it's a, it almost takes us out of the moment, because you're, you're starting to future thought like you're like, all right, what, what do I have to do to get to future thought? Right. And I know for me, I, maybe I'll just speak for myself, but. I find that I'll get out of the moment because I'm thinking, you know, and not positively, uh, it's just like, I'm thinking future, like, how am I going to deal with this in the future when it, you know, it's not even here yet. So maybe that's, that's where that comes from is, is that future thought process, as you go
Blandon:And I think, but I think we have to think in the future. I, I, and I, I think that, like my, mine was more like preparation for the future. Like, what am I gonna set up? What, what systems, what legacy am I gonna leave behind? But it didn't, it didn't catapult them in age for me though, right? It was like, because I'm still looking at them as babies and it's like, man, I need to protect these babies. But, you know, still in the future. But it didn't say, Oh my gosh, what are they going to be like at 13, 14, 15, 16, you know, and I, I just, I just didn't have that, but I can, I can see where, where some guys would just automatically jump to that if they are, if they, if you weren't prepared to have a daughter up front, right? You were saying Trevor that you, in your mind, you come from a family of boys. So. You thought you were going to be a boy maker. Did that have any, you know, sometimes that, that hits ego a little bit. Did that hit your ego some when you, when you were having, when you had to come to grips with having
Trevor:I don't know. I don't know if I would say that, but I do feel like that I've, I've felt like my purpose was to, to raise men and you know, I, I still feel like that as a part of my purpose. Now that takes a backseat to being a father to my daughters. That's, that's an important part of being a father to my daughters as well. So as a coach, as a teacher, you know, I want to try to raise good young men because I want there to be good young men out there for my daughters. You know, initially it was just that, you know, that that's what I felt like was, was my purpose. And I still feel like that's a part of it. But, but now obviously once, once my girls came around, that's, they're, they're my world. So that's my purpose.
Blandon:Right. Yeah.
Oscar:Trevor, what, what, um, what was the conversation like between you and your wife when, when you, when you both found out you're having a girl was, was this, uh, yeah, what, what was the conversation like?
Trevor:I don't know. We were both, like I said, we were both pretty shocked. Um, and then I think she was kind of worried about me, but, uh, you know, like, I mean, I came around pretty quick, you know, like, it's like that initial, you know, moment of shock. And then it's like, Hey, listen, you know, we're in it, all I care is that, you know, I have a healthy, healthy baby and that I can be the best and raise them up to be the best person possible. You know, so,
Oscar:Yeah, did you, were you guys in an ultrasound when that happened, right? Like that's when they do the, is that what we normally find out? I asked because I wasn't, right? So we talked about this before. My first, my first child, I was not able to make the ultrasound. And it was a phone call, which was, Which was a disaster. We've already discussed that in other episodes. We won't discuss that again Uh, my wife still doesn't let me forget it because she re listened to that episode and i'm like, yes, I know I get it I suck, you know, whatever Um, so the conversation, uh, at, so, so that's the conversation, you know, uh, um, getting into your guys minds, but what happens at that very moment? Cause you're, you're still at the ultrasound, place. They're looking through there. What is that thought process of like, Oh, it's a girl.
Trevor:I think we were just, we were just silent. I think when she first told us, just in shock, we were just silent and, just kind of, kind of contemplating and, then I just said, all right, you know, we're having a girl, so let's, let's, uh, let's move forward and let's, let's be, uh, let's get ready for this thing,
Oscar:Nice. And this is 2014, right?
Trevor:2014. Yeah.
Oscar:so again, math is not my forte here, but we'll go with it. Uh, we're looking at almost 10. You said she
Trevor:Yeah.
Oscar:right?
Trevor:up on 10 in September.
Oscar:and did I hear 21 is when you got redaughtered?
Trevor:No, 19 was the next one.
Oscar:Okay. So tell us about that. Were you guys, were you now, waiting for another daughter or were you thinking, all right, now, now my, my boy's coming.
Trevor:Well, we were, uh, you know, we were hopeful for a boy, but, um, you know, sort of deep down kind of like, well, it might be a girl, you know? And so it wasn't, it wasn't the same, the same kind of shock. It was just like, it was like, all right, you know, we'd love to have a boy, but, um, you know, if we have another girl, that's, that's great too. And, and, uh, you know, that's what it turned out to be. And. Like I said, it wasn't, it wasn't the same kind of reaction. It was like, all right, cool. You know, here we are, you know, we, we know a little bit about this now. Right. We got, we got a girl, we got a little practice with that. So we can kind of go from there,
Oscar:You
Blandon:in the game at being a girl dad at that point. So.
Oscar:Yeah.
Trevor:Double
Oscar:Okay. That's where I bring that. Bring back that manual, right? I was like, all right, good. We have a manual. We're good. Manual out the window.
Trevor:Exactly. They're totally different. They, in most ways, they couldn't be any opposite, any more opposite.
Oscar:Nice.
Blandon:you, I'm telling you that that is that is how it goes. I mean, I can speak for me, but yeah, my girls are as different as night and day, right? But they're still siblings and they get along and they love on each other. And I love those moments where they're loving on each other through their differences. Um, but yeah, they are, they are truly different Children. And like we talked about on the last one, like you have to parent them differently, right? Even consequences and things that you lay down. One thing works for the other. It really doesn't work for the for this one over here. You're trying to play fair, quote unquote. But I mean, what is fair when you have two different Children in your household, right? It's like I love you both the same, but I have to love you in different ways because you both receive love in different ways, you know, so I get what you're saying on that one.
Oscar:Trevor, man, how long have you been married? A year. A year.
Trevor:I've been married, uh, nine years.
Oscar:Oh, boy. Yeah, you gotta know that, man. That's a test question.
Trevor:Coming right
Oscar:years, okay.
Trevor:in a couple weeks.
Oscar:Oh, very good. Alright, cool. Well, how did you feel like your relationship changed? Uh, we'll say when your first child, when your first daughter came in, how did your relationship change, with your wife? Like. How was that kind of transition? Right. Cause I can tell you for me, there was a transition because now one, there's an additional body in the household. Right. And it's one, and it's one that is, That is powerless. That is, is fully dependent on, on somehow me keeping it alive. Like it changed the dynamic of my, of my brain. I'll tell you that.
Trevor:absolutely, you know, when I've had a few times a new father asking me for advice, the thing that I tell him is, you know, make sure to remember that That you got to take care of your wife too, you know, um, cause that's the thing that where, where, you know, where I slipped up is I was so, like you said, Oscar, I was so focused on, I got this, this little, this little girl that I gotta, I gotta keep alive. I gotta, you know, I gotta take care of her and, you know, and my wife. She's home with her all day. And so when I come home, I just want to, you know, take it off her hands and kind of help out the most that I can. So that was where my focus was, is, is being as helpful as I could be and being as much of a dad as I could be. And, and, you know, to look back, I wasn't being enough of a husband while I was so focused on being a dad. And that's somewhere, I could, I could use some improvement. And that's something I try to tell people is, you know, that's, it's super important. to be the best dad you could be, but you got to remember that you got to, you got to fill the role as well.
Blandon:that's
Oscar:And it's such a great point and, and, uh, one that, that, uh, myself included, I think, I don't think it's a malicious thing, right? You just, you get so hyper focused on this. For lack of a better term, this new thing, right? Like, you're like, Oh, I gotta, I gotta do this thing. And, uh, you know, like, uh, I'll talk to my wife. I'm like, you, you did a lot of work. Like, when I saw my first child be born, I instantly was like, I am so happy to be a man, like I can never. Do what just happened right now, I, I, I'm telling you,? I was like, man, I was just like in complete and utter awe of this woman who just not only did nine months of just like a full and utter transformation, right? Of making a human now that human comes out and it's not Like no, like I just i'm not doing that ever?
Trevor:You know, my wife went really, went through it. She went through like 48 hours of labor. It was a, it was really like a traumatic experience with the first one, you know? So, um, I mean, that's what I actually remember. Right after she was born, you know, like they took my wife off and they gave me the baby and I'm just sitting there. I'm just going, you know, your mom's so amazing. I can't believe, like, you know, you need to know this. I'm sitting here talking to the baby saying this, like, you need to know this because I was, like you said, absolutely in awe. You know, I was, like, I just can't, can't believe, like, it was a, it was a brutal experience for me to go through and that was just being there, you know, so, so I, I can only imagine for her and definitely, even looking back on it now, it just puts me in awe of her strength and courage and everything she had to get through that, you know,
Oscar:and then and then that child comes out and then they they still somehow are Nurturing that child like like I would be angry if that thing came out of me, I would be We'd we'd have some fighting words. You know what I mean? Like it is amazing So but it's such a good point right like you bring up such a good point that that these ladies go through this process that, that, you know, I think Blandon mentioned it before. Like the fact that we as humans are here is just this grand miracle. Right. Uh, and, and yet, and yet our wives have done that for, for us, right. We have these children here. Um, and I was a hundred percent guilty of it as well. I was just so like. Hyper focused over here, uh, on, on this, on this little thing that it's now moving and crying and doing the thing while my wife is still laying out, you know, in, in, in the hospital bed, still getting treated because she just went through a traumatic event. Um, and, and I don't know that at that time that went through my head, but just like you mentioned, every time, uh, we talk about it, my wife and I, or sometimes when I'll look at like my youngest, cause she's kind of nuts, right? I'd be like, that came out of you, like, that was in you, like, you're crazy for doing that,? So it's, it's such an amazing thing, to, I think it's an amazing thing when a man can really bring that down, uh, and, and, and be humbled by that experience. Like, I was completely and utterly humbled by that experience.
Blandon:Yeah, at that point during childbirth, I tell every like so many people now think that marriage is like 50 50 and it's a complete lie. Like marriage is not 50 50. Sometimes it's like 90 10 80 20 100 0. And in childbirth, It's 100 percent her 0 percent you, right? And there's, there's no way, there's no 50 50 in that, right? And, um, that's my main point. Sometimes one partner in the relationship does all the heavy lifting and you can be a support role or you can kind of feel helpless, but that's what that is, you know? And that's what really, like you said, humbled me in that moment to say, man, this is, this is an amazing thing. And. For my wife to have. And me to have girls that, you know, Lord willing, one day we'll undergo this to, you know, hopefully, um, I don't know. It's just a crazy experience. It's just a crazy thought that they'll be in that position one day to, you know, continuing on the legacy. And, and man, I don't know. It's, it's crazy to think about right now, you know.
Trevor:I feel, I feel that. And I think that that's, um, part of what, you know, when my, when my daughter was first born that I was like, you know, my wife just went through all this. Like, I got to step up and do whatever I can to, to play my role. Because just like you said, she, she did all the work, you know? And so now what, what can I do? You know, I gotta be useful. I gotta step up and fulfill a role here and do something, you know? So, so I felt. You know, all the pressure to really, really do everything I could to help out and, focused on that kid, that's obviously the biggest responsibility you're ever going to have in your life, you know, and, and that's, that's where you look at, like, you know, where I said, I, you know, I slept up and I, and I wasn't, I was so focused on the kid that I wasn't focused on my wife. They've been taking care of themselves for years, you know, but this is a baby who needs everything from you, everything, you know. So that's where the focus was.
Oscar:So I, I'm going to make the assumption that, uh, through that, introspection that you're doing, right. That you're looking at like, Oh crap. I'm, I've got to put out harder now, uh, to, to really catch up to the effort that my wife has put out. How has your relationship changed since your first one and before the second, would you say the second one changed your relationship again? Yeah, absolutely. Or, or, or do you feel like, you know, obviously I have to assume the first one changed your relationship somewhat. I mean, that's a major life event. Um, but how do you see that change from when you had your first daughter?
Trevor:Um, I didn't do the best with my wife there. So she, you know, she let me know that. And, and I, you know, I had to have her fill me in on that information. And, and, I really have done everything I can to try to fix that, that situation and improve that and make sure that, you know, like that I'm focused on now the three of them, you know, and, and, and really trying to. Like I said at the beginning of the podcast that you know that my focus is on being the best father and the best Husband that I can be and so That's, that's really where we're at.
Blandon:Yeah. So let me ask you, let me ask you this, Trevor. Let me, uh, because you said they were, that you were focused on your daughters, and which, I mean, hey, that's That's, that's valid, right? Um, I think, I think I was as well. I know I am, but are they, are they also daddy's girls? Are they mommy's girls? Or like, so, so, so, I'll answer this. In my instance, both of my girls are daddy's girls, right? And so, then it's like my wife, I can see her on the outside of this, right? Cause we have this relationship over here. And they're laying in the bed with me or we're doing this, we're eating popcorn. And, and then she's kind of like monitor. So then I feel like, okay, hold on. We, I have to feel like I have to include her in on this because they just naturally gravitate toward me. So how was that dynamic in your, in your house?
Trevor:You know, I think it depends on the day, you know. Um, I will say, I think my wife is the more fun one. You know, I'm kind of more the more stoic and, you know, like disciplinarian sometimes. I think she's probably the more fun one. But, um, you know, I think it really depends on the day and the situation. You know, I don't, I wouldn't, I couldn't really brand either of them as a, a daddy's girl or mommy's girl. I think it's just, you know, different situations.
Blandon:Got it. How's it over there with Oscar? How's it with you? How's that dynamic? Are they all
Oscar:You know how that dynamic is, man. I'm the bad guy. If rules have to come down, they're usually cause daddy put them in there. And then, and then, uh, I give my heart, my wife a hard time because then she'll just be like, your daddy said, I'm like, really? You can't just say like the same thing. You had to say, I said, so, you know, sometimes we talked about this in our last episode, right? I mean, we're looking at, You know, ways of parenting. And, um, man, I, you know, it's so funny. You asked that Trevor and I were talking before we, we started the podcast and, um, looking at like how we go about utilizing that dad capital, we talked about Blandon. So we talked about that dad capital and, and, and how we want to, you know, we want to have those lessons learned. We want to do these things. But we, we sometimes tend to, uh, I can't remember how you said it, Trevor, but we, we, we start to overpush, right? Like we overpush that, uh, as the disciplinarian or as, as the bad guy. Right. Like, like I said, you know, daddy's home. Now we gotta do these things because I have these expectations. And so, um, it's kind of like that in my house and, and, uh, I've tried to check myself and I'm going to turn it back to Trevor on this, cause I know we already had this conversation, but I try to check myself on that because. You know, Trevor, you mentioned that was it like, uh, up to, was it 10 years old or 12 years old, you've had 75 percent of your interaction with your, with your child.
Trevor:Yeah, so I've seen a statistic a few times that says by the time your child is 12 years old, you've spent 75 percent of the time that you'll ever spend with them. And by the time they're 18 years old, you spent 90 percent of the time that you've ever, you're ever going to spend with them. Now, I didn't do any kind of fact checking or anything, but, you know, it sounds, it sounds pretty legit, you know, and, and it's definitely something that really makes me pause and kind of get in the moment and be like, you know, I need to. I need to make the most of this time.
Blandon:yeah, that's
Oscar:know, we talked about, right. And we talked about that, that making most of that time where, or maybe we're not getting after as much, right. We're, or, or using, and we talked about this in our other episode too, is just using the right tone. I think I heard someone, maybe it was a pastor that I heard, but it's just like, you discipline with love in front, right? Which, which is hard to do. And I'm not saying that we don't love our children, but it's hard to do when you get annoyed at certain things that maybe continue to happen, like we talked about the lights. The lights in the room, like, damn it, can you just turn off the damn light? It shouldn't be that hard. But that tone alone can bring down that, that capital because it's simply that tone, and how we come across and how we ask for things or those kinds of things. So, uh, yeah, he, he dropped that, that statistic on me. And again, um, when, when we have studies, we put them in here, but this, you know, I didn't do any fact checking on that either. Right. Either way, if I really do my really horrible math, that's not that far off. I mean, someone said, uh, you get 18 summers and 18 Christmases with your kids. So at 18, if I'm looking at math, that's not that, it's not that far off, right? I mean, I'm sorry, at 12, you said at 12,
Trevor:right. They're slipping off slipping away.
Oscar:That's nuts, so, and you look at it and I don't know about you guys, but more and more, the time seems to go faster, right? I feel like we were just in January. We're now in may. And that's almost half the year that's gone. And then you start talking about your next kid's birthday and you're like, wait a minute, they just turned, you know, they just turned three. Yeah. That was last year. Like, no, no, no, wait, like you gotta, gotta slow that down. But sure enough, the year's moving on. And so. I struggle with, with being a disciplinarian, uh, we need, we need to be, um, but then also the struggle is, you know, picking and choosing those battles, um, and not wasting the dad capital and trying to make the best of the time as Trevor said that we have. Cause I already have a 12 year old. So you're telling me that 75 percent of my time has already gone. Right. That's insane to me. I just, I thought, I thought is crazy.
Blandon:I mean, I don't, I mean, cause I'm primarily the disciplinarian in the household as well, but I, but I think for me, I don't struggle with it because I'm also maybe the primary fun parent too. So it's like, yeah, I discipline you, but we're also going to have fun together, you know? So it's kind of the both end. It's like, I'm wearing, I'm wearing these two hats. And so even when I get frustrated with them, I think they know that I am still gonna have fun with them after the frustration is over. So I don't know. I, and I, and I don't know that I had planned that out originally as I saw fatherhood. Um, I thought I would have a standard. But I didn't know that I would still be at, still get to be as silly with them as I can, you know, like, uh, like I say, we watch a lot of bluey, we watch a lot of, uh, cartoons and, and shows together and, you know, we play the games that we see on there, like one of their favorite games is like playing teddy bear in the bed and so I'm holding them and wrestling with them in the bed and, but, you know, if, even in that, if they get too silly, I'm still the disciplinarian, I'm like, Hey, don't hit your sister, don't do this, that. You know, so I can bring it down. And I think that's important too. Like you're not just one way that they don't see you as just one way as a father. So I, I guess that goes to my next question for you, Trevor. Did you have a picture of fatherhood before you had kids? And then when you got daughter, did that change? Did that picture change for you?
Trevor:Oh, yeah. I mean, I, I thought that I was going to, you know, my kids were going to listen to me and do what I said all the time. You know, um, I, like I said, I'm a teacher. I've been a teacher for 20 years. So, you know, I see kids doing stuff and I'm like, no, my kids never going to do that. My kids. They're their own person, you know, and you do the best you can to, instill the best values in them and everything, but, you know, it doesn't always go the way you think it's going to go. And definitely when you guys talked about dad guilt, you know, I mean, losing my temper is my, my biggest. guilt that I have. You know, I feel terrible when I when I lose my temper with my, um, and there's being a teacher, there's a lot of a lot of advantages to it. There's some disadvantages as well. You know, I mean, being with kids and kids, my own kids age. Actually, one of my daughters is one of my students. The other one will be next year.
Blandon:Okay.
Trevor:So being with those kids all day long, you know, you're, you're using your, um, you're really using up that patience that you have in the tank, you know, and sometimes by the end of the day, um, you know, it's just, the fuse is much shorter, you know, and, and so I think you guys mentioned something about that, um, how sometimes the ones that are closest to you are the ones that get the worst part of you at times, you know, and, and that Something that really, really is, is 1 of the biggest things that I'm trying to work on and that I want to want to be better with.
Oscar:Yeah, that's a weird dynamic, Trevor, because you're absolutely right. You, you know, uh, and. And I say this a complete outsider because you for being a teacher or a saint I'll tell you that because I was I was not the best student. Um, but uh, But it is so true, right? So at your job you're like, well, i've got to have this this not I don't want to say a front because you know, I don't I don't I I don't think i'm a fake person So i'm not putting a front but I am uh putting out Essentially my my best at work, right? So you think well, this is my work self I gotta I gotta do good because I would want my kids to do good and you know all these different things But that all takes effort and that all creates fatigue and i'm not even talking about physical fatigue. I'm talking about just that mental decision uh thought process fatigue That now gets you in particularly, I assume Trevor, with your line of work, gets you almost like overstimulated. I mean, being around all those kids, I can't even be around, you know, 10 adults, I can't imagine a room full of kids, right? So, going home and having that kind of like, you're kind of done with that stimulation and then your kids, they just want to be kids at that point. They're going to play around. They're going to jump on you. They're going to yell. They're going to sometimes fight and argue. And like, in those little things right there, Trevor, man, I'm like, I'm right there with you is in, in that I now, and I think I attribute it to conversations with Blandon, I attribute it to. You know, self study and self, reflection, but I definitely attributed to this podcast because I'm learning and learning to then just check myself because just like you mentioned, I find myself having to repair a lot more than I should. Because that, and it's not even like, I'm not like an angry person. It's just like that overstimulation of like, all right, I'm, I'm done. Like we're, we're done right now. And I now have to either walk out of the room or I have to like, Almost, almost physically tell myself, like, they're just being kids. Like they're just, they're doing, like I said, I was, I was a hard kid. So I can't imagine, um, You know, having
Blandon:Oh, you were a hard kid. you are, you're a knucklehead? Come on,
Oscar:I'm amazed. I'm amazed. I'm, I'm in the military and not in jail. So, um, so it was, it was, uh, I just, I gotta say, like, I'm not saying it's refreshing to hear that Trevor. I'm saying that it is, it is cool to hear that process through someone else's view.
Trevor:Okay. Okay.
Oscar:that was not what I wanted to happen right now. And I go,
Blandon:Yeah.
Trevor:You know, and you tell your kids, you say, you know, better than that. And you do something like that. And you say, you look at yourself, but I know better than that, you know, and I know how it works and way I should have handled that. And I didn't, you know, and I just feel terrible about it.
Oscar:Yeah, absolutely. I was reading this study about the frontal cortex, which is where your, all your emotional control comes from. Uh, and I could be getting that wrong. So people out there can correct me, but, um, but it is a part of the brain that has the emotional control. Well, it doesn't stop it. Like it's not developed. It's particularly in our, you know, in our preteen girls at 12 year old, it's not developed there and then, and then, you know, younger, even more. So even the thought of like, like you should know better is almost like kind of nuts, right? Cause you're like, ah,
Blandon:is. It is.
Oscar:technically they don't and, and no, they can't control. That like little emotion that, or that little thing that like sets them off. Right. And so, um, it's just not, it's crazy to see that because you're right, Trevor. Like I'll say, so it was like, you, especially with a 12 year old, like, what are you doing? You should know better. And, and I'm normally, it's not that tone is probably a worse tone. And then as I walk away, I'm like, Oh, that was not right. Like it, it almost feels weird as I walk away.
Blandon:So what, so what do we say instead then? What do we, how about, uh, let's, maybe let's think about it for a little bit. Cause I say it too. And I know that it's wrong and I know better. I know that, like you say, the studies show that your brain. doesn't think about the consequences ahead until you're like 25. That's not even fully developed until you're 25, which is crazy. So it's like you're making decisions, not understanding the longterm long lasting effects until you're in your mid twenties. So. And I'm, I'm totally guilty of telling my girls that like, you know, better than this. Why are you doing? So what do we say instead? What do, what do we, what do we challenge them with instead because we have to replace it with something. That's just,
Trevor:Yeah, I mean,
Blandon:just instinct, bro.
Trevor:my thought and I definitely don't know everything, but my thought is, you know, maybe asking questions like, what, what was your thought process? Why, why did you choose to do this? This.
Blandon:Okay.
Trevor:asked my daughter just tonight. I asked my daughter, I said, listen, you know, I said, I feel terrible when I yell at you about something or, you know, or I hear your mom yell at you about something, you know, and I said, How can we fix this? What can we do? You know, how, how do we get past this? Because often when we do yell at her, it's after we've said something to her several times, you know? And so it's, it's, it's, you know, she's got a part in it and we've got a part in it, you know? And so I'm asking her feedback, you know, what, how do we get past this? Because, you know, sometimes kids will shock you and they will have some, some good, good insight. You know, she didn't have any tonight, but she's, she does at times. Okay.
Blandon:No, that's real. I think, yeah. I think asking the question,
Oscar:I've tried the question thing and, and I catch myself like already irritated. So, so then the response to the question further irritates me,
Trevor:Yeah, you got, you got to, and you got to watch your tone, how you're asking it to, are you asking it in a sincere, in a sincere, I want to, I want to know, I want to, you know, please educate me so we can figure this out together, or are you saying it in an annoyed kind of sarcastic kind of way, you know, so the tone is everything.
Oscar:I try not to be
Trevor:When you're in that situation, sometimes, sorry, when you're in that situation, sometimes it's hard to have the right tone.
Oscar:yeah, for sure. And I catch myself. Because I'm annoyed, the answer will then render the response of, Are you serious right now? Which doesn't make it any easier.
Trevor:Right.
Oscar:And again,
Blandon:serious is a crazy question too. That's a wild question. Are you serious? Like with, with that tone, you are, cause you already, it's, it's already rhetorical. So you already are just like on edge with the, are you serious? Kind of sit. Oh
Oscar:I know, sir. I know.
Trevor:And you know, you say it too much when you hear one of your daughters say it to your other daughter.
Blandon:Oh,
Trevor:hearing them repeating these things that you're saying. And you're like, yeah, I
Oscar:my gosh,
Trevor:know where that came from.
Oscar:Trevor, bro. That is, that is, that has been, I think I mentioned it before in one of the podcasts. That has been the brightest mirror in my life. Like hearing my oldest say certain things to my middle child. And I'm like, I was like literally about to like respond to them. Like, oh, that was me. Like that's a hundred percent me. Or, or, or the wife will look at me and be like, that's you. And it's just like, Oh man. Like that is so true, man.
Trevor:That, that, that digs deep, you know?
Oscar:It absolutely does. Yep. But, but it, it does not that, that will instantly, when that happens to me, it will instantly take my irritation away from my kid. Like as soon as I realized it, it's like this weird antidote where it's like, now I'm just irritated at myself. Like a kid, like I could have been irritated with my oldest, but the moment I realized, Oh, that's me. Now I'm no longer irritated. And now I'm just like, Oh crap. Like I'm almost trying to find a hole to hide it. Cause that is like me, you know what I mean?
Trevor:That's when you say to yourself, you know, I gotta do better because I'm setting them and that's, how do I want them to interact with, with my other daughter? That's, that's how I should be interacting with them.
Blandon:So Trevor, how do you, how do you mediate?
Trevor:Between, between my girls, um, You know, again, it's going to be, it's going to be every situation is different. I don't know if, I don't know if I have the right answer. I don't know if I do. I, well, I can say probably a lot of times I don't do the right thing, and that's why I'm trying to do better. That's why I'm trying to learn, you know, how do you do it?
Blandon:I got you. Oh, now you want to flip it back on me.
Trevor:you know, that's,
Blandon:I'm looking for, I'm looking for answers for you, Dr. Trevor, you were just dropping gems here, man. I'm looking at you. Um, I, I, I'm up now. I'll tell you, I, I'm, I'm objective. I'm objective when I mediate, like whoever is in the wrong, whoever is in the right, I'm, I'm, I'm the black and white dad on that one. You know what I'm saying? Like, okay, who hit who first? Who did this? Who? I'm trying to get to the root of it, trying to figure it out. I'm asking now I will answer, ask questions first. I'll say, okay, so what did you do? Did you do something to goad your sister on? Did you something to like start this? And no daddy, I was just, you know, back and forth. So I'm seeing their interaction because what's crazy is, and I don't know if you guys experienced this, They're sisters, but they'll tell on each other quickly. And then after they tell on each other, they go right back to playing with each other. And I'm like, that is the craziest situation. Cause I mean, I might be a little salty if you run and tell on me and now you want to play with me again. I'm like, okay, I'm probably not going to play with you right now. But they go right back to it. They're like, uh, daddy, da, da, da, da, da. I'm like, stop doing that. And they're like, okay. And they both run back and play together again. So, but I'm, I'm completely objective when I mediate. So there's, there is no like, Oh, okay. I feel bad for you because you're, you've had a rough day or anything. I'm like, no, no, you don't, don't hit your sister or don't be unkind to your sister. As my mom would say, don't be ugly to your sister. You know? So
Oscar:I have gotten to the point, I year old. I direct don't do that kind of thing. The other two, uh, the other two I've gotten to where I try to, well, one thing is I now know my, my girls. Right. So like, like if I hear one of them, like telling me something, I almost know like, yeah, that probably happened for sure. Like, or not, not that they're lying, but there's, they're saying something about their sibling that's like, yep, that's accurate. Like I I'm tracking that, you know? Um, but now what I try to do. Is I say, okay, well, what did you do about it? Right. And then it's like, it stops the game. And then I'm like, all you're doing is tattletaling to me. You should, I say, first of all, you should, you should not be throwing your sister under the bus. Right. And I said, but secondly, what did you do about it? Well, nothing. I came to tell you, tell you, I'm like, well, go, go fix it. Like you guys can fix it. And then, and then I'll like, I'll sneak over there to see how they're fixing it because my oldest can be pretty mean to my, to my middle kid. Right. And I try to regulate that if it gets, it hasn't yet, but like if it starts getting out of control, I'm like, Hey, stop. And I'll try to stop them so they can reengage. But it's something that, Oh man, I cannot remember her name. And I feel really bad. Um, doctor, a child psychologist talked about is, is we, we, especially as men, we, we try to just go and solve the problem.
Blandon:that's right.
Trevor:Okay. You
Oscar:Becky something, I apologize. I cannot remember. But it was through a podcast. I listened through, uh, with her and, um, Dr. Huberman. So it was just very intriguing to realize like, that's again, that's a hundred percent me. I. I go and just like solve the problem. Like you're saying like, Oh, well, well, if you hit her, then, you know, you're in trouble. Like that's, that's really, doesn't, it doesn't really help. Like, why did you hit her? Why you guys think through this, you know, you're, you can figure this out. And, and again, I try to stay close in case, you know, it gets overpowering. My 12 year old can, you know, definitely overpower my, not, not necessarily physically, but just emotionally, if you will, can overpower her sister. But I've
Blandon:Yeah. I mean, she's got seniority.
Oscar:Yeah, I've been trying more and more to to ask them like, well, what are you doing about it? Because guys how many times you hear or maybe it's happened to you? Hopefully you weren't the person doing this, but you have a noisy neighbor, you know in a dorm room or something And instead of going to that neighbor you're going to the cops you're going to it's like You don't want to just go solve the problem Like, you don't know, you don't know how to engage another person in a small conflict to figure out how to solve that problem. And so, uh, more and more, I, try, I try to just ask that question. Well, what have you done about it? How did you try to solve it? Right guys? It does not always come out very pretty, but, uh, because you know, I'm still me and the girls are still them, but, um, but I have noticed more and more out here, like an argument. From afar. And then that argument tends to like subside a lot faster. Um, I don't always know the result of the argument. But, but I don't, I don't see my youngest coming over crying cause cause that happened. So I'm assuming that, that there is some conflict resolution going on with themselves that I hope will continue. Um, because as you mentioned before, Blandon, um, people, taxes and death are like the only things constant in life. They're just everywhere. Right. So, um, we we've got to figure out how to. Help them resolve that conflict.
Blandon:absolutely.
Trevor:For sure. Silence.
Oscar:So, yeah, so that, that's, that's how I've tried to do it. Um, but other than that, like in the past, I'm, I'm kind of like on Trevor's side. I just, I just go guns hot. Like it's just like, it's. This has got to stop. I, there's no more, you know?
Trevor:Right.
Oscar:my wife will let me know that, uh, she's told me several times, like, Hey, probably, probably not the level of interaction you needed at that moment. So, uh, that's helpful. Um, and sometimes I'll go to her and I'm like, was that too much? And she just give me the look. I'm like, Oh, okay. Got it. Um, so conflict resolution, man, trying to figure this out.
Trevor:For sure.
Blandon:Right. Yeah, no, that's good, man.
Oscar:we're coming to, To the end of our podcast. We don't want to take more of your time. I know we've been trying to get you on here for a little while. Give us some, some thoughts, man on, you know, um, I think I asked Brandon this before, right? Like what could, what, knowing what, you know, now where you're at now, will you have changed, uh, either about yourself or your situation? Right before having your daughter,? You know, your process the last, you know, nine years, um, you know, yourself now, what, what would you, what would you think would have made you better prepared for your daughter getting here, your first daughter, then your second daughter.
Trevor:Um, that's the question I was hoping you weren't going to ask. That's a tough one. I think, uh, just this right here, having conversations with, with people who've been through it, You know, I did a lot of, a lot of reading up and everything, but, but having a conversation with other men, um, who've been through it and who've, who've raised daughters. And that's where you're going to get to get your most valuable information and taking it, whether it's, whether it's good or bad, you know, you can take it and listen to what they have to say and say, okay, that makes sense. Or, I don't think you really did that the right way. So I'm going to try it another way. But definitely hearing as many different perspectives from dads that have been through it and soften. And, trying to get as, get, get as much under your, under your belt there as you can going in.
Oscar:Yeah, I, uh, I, I've, I've come on across, across, you know, every so often you'll meet, you have friends and you'll meet their kids, maybe a little bit older. I have a friend who has older daughters and I'm like, how do I do what you did? And of course, you know, I'm looking at a glimpse, right? Like there's, there's all this thing that they did, all this work. But you look at some, some of someone's daughters, um, and think like, they seem like great, great girls. Like, they seem like they got their head together. They're, you know, it's like, how did you get to that? Right. Um, and so I've gotten to where I started asking that question more and more, um, because you're right. I think, I wish I, I know we all do. Right. I wish I knew, I knew then what I know now. About all these things and yet I feel like I don't know enough So it's like this constant search for I don't know for a path if you will But it's not a path for me. It's like I just I'm cool with like digging the path I just got to know You know how deep the path goes how long it goes like how wide is supposed to be? Because then I want the girls to have that path Um and and uh, and I bring that in that analogy up because This person who has, has these daughters has said, like, let them, let them dig the path with you, with you. And I was like, there's an idea. I didn't really think of that, but that kind of hit home with me. Right. Because I I'm, I'm the dude that will try to like, you know, fix the problems, but maybe I don't need to do that. Right.
Trevor:Yeah. You saying that, brings me back to, something that You know that joey said from fuel hunt and uh, we were I was in that rise group and He was mentioning having a daddy daughter date weekend with his girls And how they planned the whole thing out together and like you said dig digging that path together you know because I try to do and have as many build as many memories with my daughters and special times with them as possible. And I'm always planning out these things and stuff. And he said that, they plan out the whole weekend and that's part of the process and that's part of the enjoyment of it and said, wow, that's, you know, that's really made me rethink it that, you know, I got a camping trip. I want to plan out with my daughter. I was going to plan out for my daughter and why not plan it out with her? Because that just, that makes sure. More ownership in it. That's that much more of a memory. That's that's that much deeper of a connection that you get there. And that's part of the activity in itself is making that plan and and doing, you know, not just what's on your mind, but what she's really thinking about and looking at it from active and you're learning more about her.
Blandon:absolutely. No, that's a, that's an excellent point to, to go it together, you know, and to, to really, cause then that builds her as a person too, you know, like she's seeing you and then she's taking from that and then also adding to herself. So no, no, that's, that's excellent. That's excellent.
Oscar:That's that's amazing. Now look, you know, uh, we had the quality time. So talking about the daddy daughter stuff and we got the planner himself here with Blandon, but, but, uh, you're absolutely right. Like I, you know, one, I suck at planning these kinds of things and we've talked about that. Um, but yeah, allowing them to just like walk through and really they're telling you what they want. Right. So they're telling, they're in that way, they're giving you a path of like, this is kind of like what I want to do. And, uh, I feel like you just gave me an easy button. Cause I'm like, Well, that's cool. Like I don't have to guest at it now. Right. Which sounds funny, but it's just like, I don't know about you guys. You know, I've been married for almost 21 years and I'm like, I'm still guessing at things and you'd think by now I'd have a fricking plan, but it's just like, I'm still trying to figure these things out, but, uh, with, with the daughters, I mean, it's possible that you just gave me a good, uh, easy button that really does allow them to grow as Blandon mentioned, uh, in their own way. hey man, listen, it has been a pleasure having you on. We, we have been trying to blend in and I've been talking about, Hey, when do we have our first guest? What do we do? Um, you know, this is all, this whole thing has been a learning process for us. But again, uh, I've, I've started to really enjoy it. Um, and I, and I say that because. The first couple, I didn't, and Blandon knows that just because this is way out of my comfort zone, I'm, I'm a very like, uh, enclosed person, uh, I don't, I, in fact, I fought him on the whole camera thing, I was like, no, no, no, we said podcast, it's just like a, you know, I have a face for radio, let's just leave it at, at audio, and, and let it go,. But, it's really, uh, getting, perspectives, from, from, you know, stuff that we study or literature and, and, you know, from, from people like you, Trevor, like, this is really, really cool, uh, that you allowed us your time to get on here, that your family and your girls allowed us their time or your time to get on here. Um, I can't thank you enough, man.
Trevor:I'm so honored that you, that you asked me to be the first guest on here and, you know, I'm excited to continue to be with this community and see it grow and, and learn everything that I can from, you know, from you guys and all the future guests that you have on.
Oscar:Awesome, man. Blandon, you got anything else?
Blandon:No, I just want to say again, thank you Trevor for, for once again, being our inspiration, being our first guest. Uh, we want to thank you for your patience through all of our learning process in this from, unstable wifi connections to, hiccups, different takes, man, you've been a trooper through all of it. We really appreciate it. You know, we hope that you'll come back on, give us some more insights, um, and you know, maybe talk to us with another guest or whatever, but nah, it's been great. I really appreciate your time and your effort and what you brought tonight.
Trevor:Thank you. Thank you both so much.
Oscar:Thanks, Trevor... for everyone out there, this is the, The Daughter Podcast Come have these conversations with us. Let us know what you want to talk about. Grow this community. We are going to continue to build this as much as we can, because as we mentioned, we're fathers just trying to figure it out as we go. And, our best resources each other to figure this thing out. Find us in, all the social media. Things at daughter podcast. Let us know how we can be better in the podcast for, fathers of daughters. So from the daughter podcast, I'm Oscar there's Blandon on the other side and Trevor, thank you again for being here. See you guys later.