Busy Dads, Burnout & Building Better Habits w/ Daniel Hong

Daniel Hong is a father of two daughters, fitness coach, cancer survivor, and founder of DH Fit Inc., where he helps busy parents build sustainable health habits that actually fit inside real life.

In this episode, Daniel and Oscar have an honest conversation about fatherhood, burnout, identity, fitness, and the emotional weight many dads silently carry while trying to provide for their families.

Daniel also opens up about surviving cancer in his early 20s, becoming obsessed with fitness afterward, and how fatherhood ultimately reshaped his understanding of what truly matters.

This is a powerful conversation for any dad trying to navigate work, family, health, and identity without losing himself in the process.

Follow Daniel:
📲 Instagram/TikTok: @dhfitinc
🌐 DH Fit Inc.

00:00 Cancer Reality Check

00:43 Podcast Welcome

02:41 Simple Habits That Compound

05:01 Daniel’s Cancer Catalyst

08:17 Choosing Health Daily

12:58 Excuses and Identity Loss

19:10 Fatherhood Changes the Why

22:59 Fitness as Capability

25:08 Progress Over Perfection

28:09 Bedtime Talks Over Sleep

30:13 Adjusting Dad Standards

31:36 Permission Not Perfect

33:16 Paralysis and Bandwidth

34:35 Kids Learn From Burnout

37:55 Owning Mistakes Apologizing

40:18 Reading the Room

42:17 Safe Space Kindness

44:46 Family Transition Whirlwind

47:57 Fitness as Daily Anchor

49:19 No Time Mindset Shift

50:31 Five Habits Start Today

52:30 Wrap Up and Newsletter

Guest Disclaimer:

The views and opinions expressed on this podcast are solely those of the guests. They do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the host, any organizations, companies, or institutions mentioned, or corporate entities represented by the host.

Our aim is to provide a platform for diverse perspectives and open dialogue. While we strive for accuracy and balance, it's important to recognize that opinions may vary. We encourage critical thinking and further exploration of the topics discussed.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:46

I was 23, 24 at the time. And when you're that young, you feel invincible. And to be given this diagnosis of having cancer that takes the wind completely out of your sails. Completely honest, you probably caught me at uh you probably caught me on a good day. That's not every day. That is not every day. And I'm just being completely 100. I just want to keep it transparent. Like there are days where my wife's like, you need to leave the room. That's really what it's about. It's do we trust ourselves to do what's necessary to be the best version of ourselves and continue to show up that way every day to the best of our ability. Welcome to the Daughter Podcast, where fathers become everyday heroes in their daughters' lives. Grow, evolve, and lead with love. Here's your host, Oscar Pinya.

SPEAKER_02 1:40

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Daughter Podcast. Oscar here, your fellow growing girl dad. Today with another fellow growing girl dad to discuss being a girl dad, but also some of the things that us dads need to do to show up better when it comes to our health and when it comes to our energy and our presence. Today I have Daniel Hong with me. If you guys haven't seen him, that would be wild because this dude is killing it out in the social media world to get people, uh parents and dads to be better. And so today, that's what our conversation is about. Dan, man, how are you today?

SPEAKER_00 2:17

I'm doing great. Thank you so much for having me. Um, it is an honor to be part of the lineup on the daughter podcast, and I think you're doing a great work. And I definitely feel like this is something that's needed for a lot of us, specifically girl dads, and you nurturing this community is huge. So thank you too.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

Oh man, thank you for coming on here. Thank you for those kind words because uh it is truly an honor to have you on here, man. Your work, uh I've been following it for a while. Uh this month, particularly, you started your uh well, you've been doing it most months, but this month is when I started doing it with you. The the uh daily habits that really help us show up and um be better for our kids. So it's just I think the the stuff you're doing, man, is is so simple and yet makes such a big impact, at least as a dad, trying to juggle work, uh daily stuff, relationship with my wife, and then also relationship with my kids. And all within that is my own relationship with myself and how I show up. And so I think what you're doing, man, is is really powerful. So I can't get I can't wait to get into the conversation today.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Awesome, awesome. And you nailed it because we need we need simple solutions to very complex lives that we live. Because, like you said, it's not just one thing affecting one other thing, it's how we show up for our health, for ourselves, for our families, for our daughters every day is impacted by just a handful of things. So if we are showing up consistently, if we make that effort to intentionally, consciously ask ourselves, how are we how are we doing in this one aspect of our health? We're just gonna be better every day. And if you allow that incremental progress, that 1% growth every day, that compounds. That momentum is unstoppable. And it shows up in great ways down the line. It shows up in, I know we had this conversation earlier, but it shows up in the way that we're aware of how we act in front of our families when we're under stress, when we're in less than ideal circumstances. I know we've been trying to connect to get this podcast episode in, but six months ago, I was just not in the space for that. But I need that awareness to know and to just look at my surroundings, be like, hey, you know, for for me and the impact that I'm gonna have on my family right now, it's just not the time. And unless I had that daily accountability with my healthy habits, I don't know if I I would have been aware enough. I would have been like, no, I owe it to Oscar, or like, I need to do this because it's just a thing I should be doing. I need to sacrifice myself. I I need to be there for my family, first and foremost, full stop. So being aware of that on a daily basis is huge for us as parents, as dads.

SPEAKER_02 5:18

Yeah, yeah. It really is. Before we get into all this, I want to get the listeners a little bit of view of you and your background and what you've been doing lately. I know again, you mentioned you've had a kind of quite a whirlwind um of just stuff going on since yeah, changed since uh August, maybe even before that. Um give us a little bit about your background and uh a little bit about your your family, your daughters, and and who uh Daniel Hong is.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

Yeah, so I've been in the fitness space as a personal trainer, group fitness instructor in the CrossFit space for over 15 years. I started in 2009, and just a little bit of background. Prior to that, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma in late 2008, late 2008. And um it was a challenging experience. Yeah, I don't know, I was 23, 24 at the time, and when you're that young, you feel invincible, right? And to be given this diagnosis of having cancer is just kind of it takes the wind completely out of your sails and it just leaves you confused, it leaves you with a lot more questions and answers. But after eight rounds of chemo, 30 days of radiation therapy, I was on the other side of treatments and on my road to recovery. And I remember asking my oncologist, how do I prevent a health crisis like this from happening in the future? And his response was just like, you have to figure it out. And in the moment, I was like really upset. It was you don't expect to hear that from a health professional, but I really understand, I really understand his words now. Basically, what he was saying is like, that's your responsibility. You have to, there's nobody that is more qualified to figure out the answer to that question than you. And I took it upon myself, I took it seriously to figure out what are the controllable health levers that are within my control any given day. And that's how I kind of landed on these five habits. I knew I needed to move my body, I knew I needed healthier ways to manage stress, I knew that on a daily basis I need to take into accounting for my physical, mental health and nutrition, making sure that I drank more water, making sure that I properly fueled my body, that I I nourished my body. And where when you're in your early 20s, you just kind of take all that for granted, you know? Yeah. Um, so that was kind of the catalyst for me to get into the fitness space. And I just fell in love with it. I was I grew up playing a lot of sports. I wrestled in high school for a couple seasons. So I really fell in love with the training aspect and understanding that if you put in the work, if you put in the reps, then your performance can get better. And I took that same experience and learning into the fitness space and I saw really good results. You know, I did get stronger, I did get more fit, I did improve all across the board with my fitness. And then um, yeah, and then I got into personal training, and I I I grew to really love that practice of working with people on a more intimate personal level and affecting change for them, affecting their their impacting their health in positive ways, people of all types of different backgrounds, and so that's where I was at leading into 2020. And then, you know, I I started really posting about these daily habits during that time and for the next few years, and that's just kind of been my journey so far, and being able to to this day, I've been able to help over 7,000 people within the last year, to be honest. And over that time, I've grown a big following on on TikTok and uh Instagram is growing too. But I think what resonates with a lot of those people is the simplicity, kind of what you were talking to, the the point you were talking to earlier, and um these these daily health markers and metrics that we can choose to pay attention to any given day that can really move the needle for our health.

SPEAKER_02 10:26

We we get to choose to do these things, right? It's it's kind of weird to say it that way, I guess, because like a lot of times we say we have to, right? And I and I'm guilty of that. Like I'll say me too, I have to get my workout in, right? Um, and that's because I put it on myself to do that, but we we get to do that, right? Like we we get to choose that, and by doing that, we get to get the benefit from it, and then once we get the benefit from it, then I think our kids get the benefit, our family gets the benefit from it as well. But I don't think that we look that far because when you're looking at your your healthy habits, I mean to to go from hey, you've got cancer, which is a thing that wants to kill you at this from the very moment that you find out, probably before that, because you didn't know it was there, to the time that you start battling it, it is fighting to end you. That's what it's that's what it's there to do. And so to choose to do that after all your treatment, to choose to go the hard route, you start you saw the benefit of that, and you started to realize like I think other people can also get the benefit of what I'm doing and talking about the fitness. The interesting thing though is that and I gotta throw a shameless plug here because they're my sponsor too, right? But everybody wants the benefit, but no one wants to do the work, right? So to feeble hunt, it's everybody wants to eat, but only a few will hunt, and it's been such a a point for me in in my life since I found them because it is exactly that. Yeah, those habits take effort, take intentionality, and take a little time. Yes, and it's really easy for us to be like, I don't have time for that. I I'm too busy, yeah. I I'm gonna go take the supplement instead, which you and I, I'm sure we can get into this, but supplements are to supplement a workout routine, to supplement a good diet, not to take over for it. Um and I hear this all the time in in in my in my world. Oh, yeah, I'm just taking the supplement for it. I'm like, and and then and then what? Like, what do you mean you just take that supplement? Right? Yeah, um, but again, it it goes back to exactly what you said. If I do the work, I start seeing the results of that work, right? Right, as a coach, uh I I've coached uh not uh one-on-one, I've coached athletes, team athletes, track and field, stuff like that for a while. One of the most frustrating things for me is when you have those folks that's like, well, I I want to win the race. Okay, cool. Well, go go to the the podium and then work backwards to see what it's gonna take to get there, right? That's right, and they're like, Well, I don't want to do those intervals. That's that's not what I'm gonna do, yeah. Right, yeah, I don't want to go do that thing. That's that takes too much time, that's too too much effort. Like, as a coach, man, tell me a little bit about how you how you manage that.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Yeah, well, to to address the excuses of and they might be very legitimate, yeah. Time we we all have the same amount of time every day.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

We have I happen to think when I watch you, I'm like, Dan has like 28 hours in the day. I don't know what what's going on over there, but dude, trust me.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

If I did, I should be doing so much more. Yeah, I should be doing so much more. But to address the way that we talk about our excuses, specifically, we don't have time, I'm too tired. I'll do it when I have more energy, more bandwidth. Um I think the first step is to reframe those excuses. Okay, because what we're really saying is I want to prioritize other people's needs. I want to put the needs of my family before me, which is uh at face value is a very lofty thing to do, it's a very uh commendable, respectable thing to do. And I think as men, we we take it upon ourselves like no, I'll I'll be the I'll be the sacrifice for my family's needs, for my kids, for my spouse, for my wife. There is a problem with that because when we assume that role of being the person that always has to take the brunt of these big sacrifices, and we do that week after week, month after month, year after year, we start to lose our identity. We start to lose that sense of who we are. And this happens to us. There will be a day when you look in the mirror and you don't recognize who you see. And I'm not talking about us physically, I'm not talking about like, oh, your belly got bigger or whatever, or like more gray facial hair. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about like you're looking at your eyes and you see just a hollow shell of who you used to be. Because before we had kids, we had passions that we were so fired up about. We would take care of our body, we knew how to properly eat the right foods and do the right workouts and get it done. And we genuinely had this fire and excitement to live a life that we are really proud of.

SPEAKER_04 16:28

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

But when we had kids, knowingly or unknowingly, we made this this trade-off where I'm gonna I'm gonna push those to the side here and I'm going to pull in a little closer these other responsibilities, obligations, and roles because we did it out of love. Right. But when there is this all or nothing kind of trade-off, it'll it'll be a day, and that day will come when again, when we're looking in the mirror and we don't recognize that person anymore. And we could have had all these good intentions, but going back to the point about the reframe of excuses, we don't have to be a sacrifice. They don't need our who we are at our core, they don't need that person to die to be the person our family needs. We can rise above that. We can uh we can assume this role of being a superhero by learning that balance, by still holding on to who we are, our personal identity, and bringing on these other roles and obligations, responsibilities that we have as dads. Yeah, and that's that's what I want to impress upon dads, moms, anybody that is having this identity shift where life circumstances are changing. That that is to be expected. We have to anticipate those changes and we have to be ready to absorb them, but we don't have to lose lose ourselves in the process, right?

SPEAKER_02 18:19

Bring bring your family into this a little bit with that with that conversation in mind. Like tell us a little bit about yeah, about who Daniel was. I mean, you had a major like punch to the gut, obviously, in your 20s, right? And I assume your your children weren't uh around yet.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

No, no, right.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

So young Daniel, big punch in the face, and and this is something that I find just kind of wild because you mentioned it in your 20s, you're like, you're like invincible, dude. Like, I think I'm I'm gonna go eat whatever I want and do whatever I want, and my body just takes care of it, it's no big deal. Um, I'm gonna go put my body through damage, you know, yeah at night and then be just fine in the morning. Like you do some crazy stuff as a 20-year-old. Um, but I have to imagine that unlike most 20-year-olds, your mindset started to shift probably due to the big punch that you got.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:18

So talk a little bit about that, but then also as your girls come into play, like how did that shift your thought processes or um take you out of what you just mentioned, the way that you thought of yourself before your girls got in? Because one thing that I think happens to a lot of us is that you know, there's no there's no dad school, there's there's like there's no way to like prepare for that. And and I think you know, some of us have great examples of a father, and and you kind of learn from that, but you didn't learn how they were prior, like they that's not really a thing, right? So there's no like study material to get ready to go do this thing. Um, and even if there was, I don't think it'd be very effective because you're now dealing with little humans, right? So bring that bring that side of you in now, like you know, you you uh you've been in the fitness um world after uh your cancer and and fighting that, and then your daughters come into play. Like, how did that really shift for you?

SPEAKER_00 20:26

That's a good question, and I think it's worth giving some context in the middle there. So I went from beating cancer, and then there was probably an eight to ten year period before I met my my wife Allie, and we had Olivia in 21. There's like an eight to ten year gap there where I was selfishly, and it's kind of embarrassing like talking about it, but just to be completely honest, like I was obsessed with fitness and working out, everything, nutrition. I was totally selfish. I was willing to let personal relationships with friends, even with my family, kind of like deteriorate because I was just like not prioritizing anything other than I needed to perform a certain way, I needed to look a certain way. And and I I'm laughing because it's funny to me now, but I didn't even know why. It's not like I was gonna compete at the highest level, right? I was very much like a wannabe competitor, and I wasn't I I just wasn't gonna get to that place because I knew in my like heart of hearts, like that's not what I meant to do. Yeah, it's not okay, and so I've I've I've said this before with my friend Dom on his podcast, but it wasn't until 21 when we had Olivia, like I didn't start living until then, and I really mean that because I've once Olivia was born, I knew I always wanted to be a dad. You know, I always wanted to be a dad. And I didn't know until I had Olivia that I always wanted to be a girl's dad. And I genuinely mean that. And unless I had met my lovely wife and we started a family together, I wouldn't have had that realization and that eight to 10 year period of chasing these fitness goals that were a constant uh moving goalposts, right? Because one milestone, once you hit like a 405 back squat, you're like, dang, can I squat 455? You know, once you pull, you know, can I can I pull 500? Can I, you know, like whatever. You know, you have all these goals and aspirations, these milestones that you're trying to hit from a fitness perspective, right? But that'll always that'll you'll always be chasing that. But again, it wasn't until I had Olivia, I was like, oh, this is what I was meant to do. And so um I I might have forgotten your question at this rambling, but it's right on track. Keep going. But you know what? Um going back. Back to that shift, I think that you're asking about and and taking all that prior experience into fatherhood, being a dad to Olivia, and now you know I'm so lucky to say that I have two beautiful girls. Um it really helps shape my understanding of what is important and what is not. Right. Seriously, like I the amount of clarity that this experience of being a dad has given me in terms of like this is important, this is not. And I'm not saying that it's not something it's not something you have to fully abandon. I love exercise, I love fitness, I love lifting, getting strong, and I will love it forever.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

Right.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

Forever. I'm like in my heart of hearts, I am a gym rat too. And I say that with full pride. Yeah, but I know at the end of the day, what I'm meant to do is to be a dad.

SPEAKER_02 24:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

That's it.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

Do you think that so what I started to feel when you were saying that is it's like you like fitness just like you did before, but now it's for a different reason. Correct. Correct. Right? So it's in I I feel that with you because I was relatively the same. I I was I knew I wasn't gonna go be a you know uh a top athlete. Like I'm pretty realistic, right? I know I'm not gonna go play professional basketball. One, because I don't have the height, I don't have the jumps. Like, I'm pretty realistic with these things, right? I don't, I don't, I don't uh buy into the whole like you can do anything, like yes, but also life has a vote. So there's all these different things. Yeah, that's a good one, right? But but it's like I I remember that feeling too, where it's like now I I still want to do these things, but it's a completely different reason. Yeah, now I just want to be capable, I want to be able to lift my kid, I want to be able to play with them, run around with them, and not be on the sideline because I'm not capable. So it's like fitness is still the thing. And and I we were talking before we hit record. For me, fitness is is is therapy, fitness is thinking time, fitness is like when I'm in it, I can, and it sounds kind of weird because you know, a lot of times uh we make ourselves hurt, right? Like we're like the stress. This I'm yeah, I'm not talking about getting yourself hurt, I'm saying the the pain you feel from training, discomfort, yes, right, discomfort, it really clears up my mind. It's it's just an odd thing, and so I'm able to think through these things, and but again, for me, and as I mentioned to you before, my wife also knows like it's for the betterment of the way I'm showing up, yes, right? Is that is that what you're talking about when you're like, yeah, I was all into fitness and then I had my daughter, and now this is what I'm doing. But but fitness is still, I mean, Dan, like you're you're like a a badass trainer.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

So fitness is obviously still in there, yes, yes, absolutely. And I think to to speak about what you were saying earlier about how we show up feeling capable and confident, that's really what it's about. It's do we trust ourselves to do what's necessary, to be the best version of ourselves and continue to show up that way every day to the best of our ability. Right. Not perfectly, not perfectly, because we will never do that. Yeah, it's just like with training. There's no such thing as a perfect lift because you're always gonna find these little ways to fine-tune your movement, your your body awareness, the coordination, your agility, all the aspects of fitness, there will always be something that you're gonna try and chase and improve upon. And it's the same way with being a dad, with being with being a present parent, is you have to give it that much attention. And so having that confidence and being able to display that confidence in other aspects of your life in fitness, in the way that we nurture relationships with our wives, in how we choose to fuel our bodies and to prioritize recovery, sleep, these basic things that we do on a daily basis. When we show up well for those things, 100% it's gonna translate into our ability to be the best dads possible for our girls. And for me, that is a priority.

SPEAKER_02 27:55

Yeah. When I when I think about what you said, and I and I've been trying to follow the daily habits, right? On your website, you put the daily habit of sleep as a bonus, yeah, right. And I love how it says seven to eight hours. And I'm like, I know, I know Dan is not getting seven to eight hours because those girls are like, Dad, we don't care about your sleep, kicking down the door and coming to talk to you. Right. And and I I wanted to bring that up, not obviously to hate on Dan's uh uh uh daily habits because I love sleep, dude. Like I I love my sleep. But it's a it's it brings to to to point that it's it it will not be perfect. And I think the difference, at least for me, the difference from before kids to after in in fitness, okay, was that I could I would put this pressure on myself to do the lift, the the amount of workouts I needed to do, the the sleep, the thing. And although all of those are important, and we're not hating on those, understand that putting pressure on yourself to get saved seven to eight hours of sleep, and I and I've met these men, right? Where it's like, no, I'm going to sleep, I'm gonna make sure I get eight hours. Like, there's there's something you're giving up when you do that. And I'm not saying don't get eight hours, absolutely try to get as much sleep as you can.

SPEAKER_01 29:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:25

But I can tell you, as a father of girls, that there's times, actually, almost every time at night, for some reason, they remember everything that was going throughout the day. Right? Yeah. And I used to get so like anxious, dude. Like I would be like, all right, nighttime. I gotta get my I gotta get at least seven hours. And then I'd like to look at my watch and like, okay, I gotta get at least six hours. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. I'm like getting anxious. And then I realized like I'm missing out at the time that they want to talk. And I hate that it's that time, but it's a time that they're now letting me know things that I need to know.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

Yeah, right? Yeah, oh, that's so good.

SPEAKER_02 30:04

And and all of a sudden I realized like, all right, I can I can put the pressure on doing the habit correctly, quote unquote, right? So if you guys aren't watching, this is in quotations like I can do the habit correctly, or I can prioritize the habit and and have it in my in my checklist for the day, but understand that life has a vote and that my daughters have a vote. And unless it's like completely silly and and unnecessary, I'm gonna give them the benefit of the doubt, and I'm gonna give them that time. Absolutely. And when I did that, dude, it was like it was freeing. I was I'm probably more tired than I need to be, but it's like a whole new world has opened up.

SPEAKER_01 30:49

Yes, right?

SPEAKER_02 30:50

Yes, now I'm able to be more present at night. I'm still working on it, guys, because I know if my my daughters listeners are like, no, he's always trying to get out of the room. But that's because it's like it's getting late, man. Um but it's just I I I bring this up because it's really important that that dads understand that we do need to prioritize ourselves and our fitness in order to show up. But if we prioritize it to the point that we were doing it before we had these humans that we're trying to influence and we're trying to raise, it's not gonna, it's not gonna go well.

SPEAKER_00 31:26

It's a losing battle, man. Yeah, it's a losing battle. And you bring up such a good point about your standard needs to be adjusted. It's not that you need to completely forget and throw away all the years of experience that you had up to that point. It's how do you apply that knowledge, the basic principles of all those things, right? Like being being diligent and prioritizing your your physical, mental, emotional health in ways that we did before. Maybe it was through workouts, maybe it was through um having a relationship with our wives and that whole experience that that gave us really good insight into our own personal emotions and how we navigate relationships, all these skills that we learned over time, and to apply it to us being dads and adjusting that standard. Not like this is where I was before and I'm never gonna hit it, so um, I'm just gonna wither away into new new life that I that I have. We we can have the same, we can have the same feeling of those standards when we give ourselves permission to like not be perfect.

SPEAKER_02 32:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:51

That was something I was thinking about when you were talking is like you have to give yourself permission not to be perfect, and that's the whole thing with the healthy habits, too. It's not that we're trying to like perfectly like, did you get 29 minutes of walking today or 30 minutes? That's not what I'm talking about. And if that's how you're approaching it, then I made a huge mistake because what I'm trying to get across to you on the other side of the screen is give give yourself that permission to not be perfect, but still be present enough to show up as best as you can every single day. That is the main message, and I think for so many parents, they've they feel like they've fallen off and that gap is so wide now that they can never close it. And that that couldn't be further from the truth because all it takes is a choice today. You just have to choose yourself and prioritize yourself today, and you're right back on track, right?

SPEAKER_02 33:45

It's it's it's the difference between getting married to the process and forgetting what the overall goal is.

SPEAKER_01 33:53

That's good.

SPEAKER_02 33:54

Where it's like, I'm so like I have to do this process, this is it. But it's like, no, no, no. The goal ultimately is to be um healthy, fit so that you can show up. But if you get married to this process, you're not showing up because you're so anxious about not doing the things that are in the process that you're taking away from the overall end goal, right?

SPEAKER_00 34:19

And how many dads listening to this right now? How many dads will listen to what we're saying and say, Well, I can't do it that way, so I might as well not do it.

SPEAKER_02 34:30

Yeah, we talked about analysis by paralysis, right? Like, yes, or paralysis by analysis, sorry.

SPEAKER_00 34:37

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Paralysis by analysis, um, decision fatigue. Right, all those things are real, and you have to factor in. There are other variables that will take away from your bandwidth and your ability to think rationally, logically through some of these things. Like, it's not rational, it's not logical to think, well, if I can't eat one healthy meal today, I might as well just like have three unhealthy meals. Like, that's not that's not logical. Yeah, but we can easily swing in that direction just because there are other variables that can pull away from that absorb the energy we need to like think about how do I take care of myself today? And and it could be for well-meaning things like taking care of your family and your kids. That's that's all good and well. But at the end of the day, like you're living your life through your body and through your mind. And you have to have the skills, the daily approach, having the right framework to look at your life and being like, okay, what can I reasonably retain control of so that I'm still showing up as the best version of myself.

SPEAKER_02 35:51

What what do you think we're telling our kids inadvertently when we don't do that?

SPEAKER_00 35:58

That we're not important, that we're not allowed to take up space, that our voice doesn't get to be heard. And that's just not true. And I know you can agree with this, Oscar, is that we never want our girls to feel that way. Yeah, we never want them to feel that their voices are too small, that their presence, that their presence is not big enough. Yeah, we don't want that. No in this world, no way. No way, there's no way. So you bring up such a good point. When we with without saying it, because who's gonna say, hey, today I just want to let you know because we're going to the park for a couple hours, I'm not gonna prioritize my health. Like we don't we don't say that, right?

SPEAKER_02 36:44

But it's like blaming them for it, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:47

No, right? We would never do that. But does it show up in negative ways after that event happens? Like after the couple hours that we spend at the park or with friends or whatever, we go home and we're just a zombie on our phone, or we're just like so snappy with them, we're just we're just so aggressive because we have that pent-up just that static that we've been trying to temper for the last couple hours. And now when we're at home, a safe space, we're just like letting everything all the wheels fall off. They're gonna pick up on that, they're gonna see that pattern. Hey, every time I ask dad to go do this thing with me that is fun for me, it results in this bad thing.

SPEAKER_04 37:30

Yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_00 37:32

And that's what we can, if we're not careful, if we're not aware and conscious of, we can inadvertently be putting that pressure on to our girls, being like, this is your fault. This is because of you and because of the sacrifice I I had to make for you, this is what you get.

SPEAKER_01 37:49

Right.

SPEAKER_00 37:50

And that's not that's not what we want. That's not the message, that's not the the story that we want to show, show them, tell them through our relationship. No.

SPEAKER_02 38:02

And I think they they pick up on that so well that you'll start to see you'll start to see them ask you less for those things simply because they don't want to, they don't want the bad part of that, right? Like, oh dad, dad doesn't like to hang out with me at the park, so I just won't, I just won't ask. I just won't like, and so almost as you just mentioned, you you are teaching them to not speak up for themselves. And I've had this issue with my daughters, like, because I've done certain things like that, where my daughter's like, I just didn't ask because I figured like you'd be upset about it, or you'd or you would say no. And I'm like, hey, you don't get what you don't ask for, right? And I'm trying to teach that lesson, but at the same time, it's like I I know that it's that result is based on something I've done in the past that they're reading right off of me that they're now trying to avoid. And and inadvertently, I'm I'm showing them to not speak up for themselves, yeah, not have a voice, and that's a dangerous game to play in this world.

SPEAKER_00 39:08

I agree, I agree, it's huge, you know. Just just to be fully transparent with you, there have been moments now, Olivia will be five in October, but there will be times when she's like, We'll do something to your point about they they pick up on patterns, yeah. We'll do something, and she's like, Dad, you didn't get mad and yell. Oh, yeah. Like, yay, that's awesome. And I'm just dude, it makes my stomach turn. Yep. And I'm just like, and I stop her. I'm just like, no, when when dad does that, that is wrong. That's a mistake. I'm sorry I did that before. I'm gonna work on that to be better, right? And I have to look her dead in the eyes, and I have to let her know like that is not okay. Yeah, it's not like, yay, like I didn't get, you know, I didn't get the bad version of my dad. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was a mistake. You deserve the best version of your dad as as much as possible, and I'm gonna work on that. That's my responsibility, you know.

SPEAKER_02 40:19

Yeah, it's um it makes me feel like she was carrying that the whole time, and she was right. Like she's like, she, whatever activity that was, she's like she has it in there, she's kind of feeling it, she's looking over to be like, Yes, uh, and then yeah, we we succeeded, and that shouldn't be the goal.

SPEAKER_00 40:40

Oh, dude, that's so real. That is so real. You're exactly right, you're exactly right.

SPEAKER_02 40:45

It really is because that that's how it feels to me when my daughters say things like that.

SPEAKER_00 40:49

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02 40:50

Yeah, when they're like, Oh, I I actually um you you uh reacted much better than I thought. I'm like, what did let's talk about what did you think I was gonna say? What do you think I was gonna do? Well, and the and my 14-year-old's really good at this. I was like, Well, you know, on this day at this time, like this is what you did, like you know, she's like she remembers these things, right?

SPEAKER_01 41:09

Oh gosh, they're so sharp, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:11

And but it just it hurts the ego because all of a sudden you're getting like darts thrown at you. But if you just if you just step take a step back and and I try to do this to the best of my ability again, I'll say this over and over and over again. I know that the listeners probably get annoyed. I'm talking from the trench and not from a pulpit. Like, this is like a literal work in progress, yeah. And if you step back, you're like, Oh yeah, I could totally see how that came across, or I can totally see why she is already feeling this thing. She's like, and this is where my 14-year-old is really almost easy to see. I I've known her for 14 years, but it's like she'll start asking me something, but not ask me outright. Yeah, I'm like, but I feel it, right? So like I feel what I think she's feeling, yeah, and I'll just stop her be like, just ask, yeah, ask what you need, right? Yeah, and we have this rule in the house like don't ask for help unless you unless unless you have tried like those little things, but at the same time, it's like a it's like a fine line, right? Because I want them to know that I'm here, yes, and then I want to make them capable. So I think I've leaned too much on that side, on trying to make them capable more than the other. And that's where we get that that feeling. And I've I sense it from my my daughters sometimes when they're like they're trying to ask me something or they're kind of watching what I'm doing, and they're just waiting to see if if dad's gonna keep his his cool, his emotions. And I I can now I think it's as a result of the show, it's a result of trying to be more um introspective and present, but I can now sense it. I'll be having a discussion with my oldest, and I I can look at the corner of my eye, and the other two are kind of like, are they gonna are they gonna blow up? Are they yeah, right? Like they it's that it's that temperature or that that stuffiness in the room. Yeah, I can now sense it. And I think it's really important that I can do that because I don't think I did that for a long time.

SPEAKER_00 43:12

Man, that that awareness is so important. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 43:17

Yeah, it it's just uh it's a it's work in progress, but it's it's a result of being able to realize what the perception that they're getting from you. Yes, like what how are they seeing me? And you mentioned something earlier that that's pretty key is that safe space. And we don't talk about it much for for adults, and we we talk about it for kids, you know, like your kid is at school emotionally regulated because you've taught them to do that, and they're like holding everything together, and then they come home and all hell breaks loose, right? Like they're just like, Oh, I don't cry and do those things, and it's their safe space, and we take offense to it instead of being like, I'm glad that she can come home, and like this is where she can do that. Yeah, it works relatively similar. You mentioned this earlier, like we go to our safe space, right? And even though this is where I want to be the kindest and the most present and controlled, dude, it's probably the place where I'm the least of all of those.

unknown 44:18

Right.

SPEAKER_01 44:19

That's so real. That's so real.

SPEAKER_02 44:21

Yeah, it is, yeah, and it's it's our safe space, and even and I I I pray that it's because we forget to think about it first, yeah. Right? The more more we think about it, the more more we realize, oh, that's not where I want to do that. And I I watched the video on on Instagram, and it was something like kindness. It was like kindness or a measure of a person's kindness should not be measured in how they treat strangers, particularly. It should be measured in how they treat the people that can get affected the most from the lack of their kindness.

SPEAKER_00 44:59

Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_02 45:00

And when I think of that, I'm like, dude, I am horrible at this. And again, it just takes me back to what you said. Is this my safe space? Absolutely. My wife, my daughters, they're home to me. That's where I'm like, that's where my space is at. Yes. And Yet because of that, I'm able to like release more, but that's not a good thing, right? Like how do you how do you manage that? And especially with your last we'll call it six, eight months. I mean, it's been a whirlwind for you guys. Talk to me a little bit about that because this is so important for dads. We I want to be the calm and the chaos. I want to be stoic when no one is. I want to do these things. But dude, like life has a vote.

SPEAKER_00 45:50

Yes, right? Yeah, I like how you say that. Life has a vote. I think for the last six months, seven months, maybe eight at this point.

SPEAKER_01 45:59

Keep counting.

SPEAKER_00 46:01

I know, right? Uh last six months, since the end of August, our family has been through so many transitions, and it kind of culminated at the end of August with this unfortunate thing with work and our living situation and the place we were in. Just nothing about it felt right. And my wife and I, as a family, we collectively made the decision like something has to drastically change. So we moved back to California to be with family, which was the best decision ever. And that transition by no means was it easy, but the choice was very simple. We needed to get back to a place where our family felt safe, where we felt we could grow, most importantly. And there were times when my wife carried the team, carried the family. There were times when I tried to do my part as much as possible to be there for the girls. We had to take our youngest out of daycare just to save some money. Yeah. Because I didn't have a steady income at the time. And because of that, I I did a lot of the daycare on a day-to-day basis with our youngest. Got to spend a lot of time with her, but it that's not easy to do. And you're just constantly toggling back and forth between dad duty, trying to build a business, trying to grow in other ways for the business on social media or whatever it is, on uh try to go grow clients, try to have communication with potential clients to grow my book of business again with training. And it's not easy. It just feels like if I had the bandwidth in time, I could do this so much faster.

SPEAKER_04 48:12

Right.

SPEAKER_00 48:12

And but that wasn't my reality. So I needed to really make an adjustment with the way that I was viewing our relationship or our family's situation at the time, the dynamic there, and just to work within the circumstances we were in. We're living out of my sister-in-laws. They've been nothing but gracious and so understanding and loving with bringing our family into their already super busy, bustling family. But we're here on the other side now. We have our own space, and we're just so grateful for the experience because it taught us so much. It really brought our family together, and we got to really understand each other in very different circumstances with very different dynamics. And I couldn't be more grateful for how, and I'm so proud of us. I'm so proud of how we got out of that situation. So you should be thank you.

SPEAKER_02 49:13

How much how much did fitness play into that chaos for you?

SPEAKER_00 49:18

Fitness was definitely like an anchor for us on a daily basis. My wife and I, no matter how chaotic the day was, we're like, we are gonna work out. We're going to lift some weights, we're gonna breathe heavy, we're gonna like get sweaty, we're going to work on ourselves to better ourselves. Like you said, like give ourselves that opportunity to experience controlled discomfort. Yeah. Because we know how it translates into real life. Yeah. There's gonna be times when there are things that we can't account for, things that will pop up that we couldn't prepare for. And we'll have that experience, we'll have that touch point and that reference to be like, okay, this is when I need to stay in control.

SPEAKER_02 50:05

Right.

SPEAKER_00 50:06

And fitness is just one of those things. As an anchor, it really helps to sharpen that skill and that awareness and to heighten that sense of consciousness to be like, okay, what am I in control of every single day? And that was just something we were not gonna let slip away.

SPEAKER_02 50:23

I know we're we're coming short on time, man, and and we could probably sit here for another couple hours. Honestly, the seats always open for you, by the way. Always. Thank you. Um leave us with this. I'm I'm coming to you and I'm like, listen, bro, I see your stuff on on uh social media. You're all you it looks like you have all the time in the world to work out and coach people and take care of your daughters and blah blah blah blah blah, right? Let's just that's that's who I am. I don't have time for this crap, man.

SPEAKER_01 50:54

Right.

SPEAKER_02 50:55

What do you what do you tell dads out there about the importance of their own fitness and health? And about that, that comment. I have no time for that because of my family, because of my kids.

SPEAKER_00 51:12

We all have the agency and the control to change our own stories and narrative at any given point. That is a superpower that most people don't realize that they have, but the control and the choices you can make today can rewrite your story. You don't have to wait another day, you don't have to wait another week, or when you're done with this work project, or when you have more energy, or when your kids are older, you don't have to wait anymore because the person you are inside is still there. They just need to be nurtured. So making the time, if you don't have an hour to work out every day, or at least at a minimum, three times a week to see, and that's all you need to see really good results. What about 30 minutes? Right. What about 30 minutes? I heard somebody say the other day, we're so quick to find distraction, and yet we never have time for the important things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 52:14

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 52:15

So scrolling, watching a show, watching sports, whatever. Can can you find time within your day and and bake it into part of your schedule to go for a walk, to make the choice to drink more water. And I know that sounds like such a simple thing, and and like what's the point of like drinking water? I look at drinking water as like a pattern interrupt. Anything that can interrupt the current set of patterns that you have can help to create that awareness and consciousness of like this is an active choice that I'm making to promote health in my life. And the same thing with our nutrition making a healthy meal at home, making the time for mindfulness, whatever that might be. Yeah, whether it's just sitting in the closet because that's the quietest place in the house, or if it's taking a few moments after you pull into the driveway and you're just like decompressing and you're just working on, you're just doing some breath work, or maybe it's at night after the kids go down and you take a few minutes just to jot down some wins for the day in a journal. Maybe it's prayer, any of those things that get you get you to ground yourself in the present moment, that can be a skill that can be developed today. All of those habits, daily movement, exercise, nutrition, hydration, mindfulness, every single one of those five healthy habits can start being developed today. You just have to make that choice.

SPEAKER_02 53:45

Awesome, man. Thank you so much for coming on here. Thanks for just taking the time, your girls, the family on a Sunday to just sit with uh with me and the daughter community. This has been so awesome and so helpful. And I know our community is going to take a lot out of it.

SPEAKER_00 54:00

So thank you. Thank you for having me on. I know it was a little chaotic with some things breaking out there that I needed to attend to, but thanks for getting on, getting me to get on this uh episode. And it was so great to talk with you, Oscar. And I hope we can do it again soon.

SPEAKER_02 54:19

Heck yeah, we are, for sure. Awesome, man. Thanks so much. We'll see you all on the next time.

SPEAKER_03 54:24

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