Boundaries After Loss: Why Access to You Must Change 3 of 6

Loss will change you—and when it does, access to you has to change too.

In this episode of Everybody Can’t Go Convos, we’re getting real about what happens to your relationships when you’re grieving. Your energy is different. Your capacity is different. Your needs are different. And not everyone will know how to handle that.

Some people will honor your space.
Others will expect the same version of you they’ve always had access to.

This conversation is about recognizing the difference—and choosing yourself anyway.

Because protecting your peace after loss isn’t selfish… it’s necessary.

MyAuthorWeekend.com

What We’re Talking About

• How grief exposes who overreaches and who truly supports you
• Why some people struggle when your availability changes
• The truth about boundaries—they’re not punishment, they’re clarity
• Letting go of over-explaining your healing process
• Adjusting access to match your current emotional capacity

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

And we laugh. Welcome to another Everybody Can't Go Convo. I'm your host, Jesse Holly. And today I'm going to continue with talking about the grief series. And today we're going to talk about boundaries in grief. So, boundaries after loss, why the access to you must change. Uh I say must because it does become a bit of a requirement, whether we like it or not. And you get to choose, as always, whether or not the indicators leading to the new boundaries that you need to set, whether or not you honor those boundaries, or if you just keep letting it go. But we all know that that can be to your detriment at varying degrees. So um, I only have three points for you guys today. So we'll get straight into it and uh kick this off. So my first point for you is that the loss that you went through, it reveals who was benefiting from you having a lack of boundaries. So we do a lot of talking about our winning season, our losing season, or uh season of transition, anything like that. And depending on what happened during that down season or that downtime that you have, and trauma does have a way of exposing dynamics that were attached to the person that you were before and or during that loss that were easy to ignore when you have more emotional energy, when you had more mental blocks in your day, when you had more time, space, any type of energy to put towards not only yourself, but to put into other people. And so the same way that we talked about whether or not others are able to hold space for you, it does also make a difference how much energy and what the dynamics look like when you have that much energy versus what it looks like when your energy is depleted, when your energy is waning, when your energy is decreasing. And it's easier to see the difference when your energy decreases rapidly or suddenly versus when you are in a situation where your energy decreases little by little over time, where it's more of a decline as opposed to like just a fall off or a sudden change in your life. So your grief can lower your tolerance by a whole lot. Your grief can lower lower your tolerance for um overreaching, for people who are entitled, people who are used to being able to come to you with emotional dumping. And sometimes it puts you in a space where that isolation that you're in for your own sanity, so that you create space or safe space for yourself to begin healing, or even just feel your feelings, you have less energy, less space, and you don't have the time. What are feelings to deal with some of the things out of people that you used to be able to handle? You may used to have been a big help to folks, whether it be people at your job, whether it be friends, co-workers, uh, family, people, anyone who surrounded you, where especially if you're that strong friend and you're the go-to, you will have a very different capacity for being able to operate for other people. So that new set of boundaries is required because you are moving in a different space. You are moving in a different season. And if you continue to try to show up the way that you previously were able to show up while you're going through your own go through and in the midst of your own grief, loss, trauma, you are going to start showing up for other people differently. And if you don't get ahead of it or make the choice and the decision to set a new set of boundaries in place, you'll find that by trying to continue to show up and act like there's nothing wrong, you're going to start failing at things left and right. You're going to start being a little more agitated, responding a bit more snappy, or possibly saying something that you don't necessarily mean because you're still trying to be there for someone or operate in a space that right now you're not equipped to do that. And so being unequipped to show up as the person that you were previously, of course, it's no one's fault, but that is an admission to yourself that you will have to make. I would say so that you don't mess up something along the way by presenting yourself or making yourself available when you aren't actually available. Because let's be honest, you aren't really you right now. When you're going through a season of grief, when you are dealing with a trauma or if you're dealing with a loss, depending on the varying degrees of how you're experiencing that, sometimes you aren't you at that point. And people who truly care about you, they aren't expecting you to be in your old capacity or in the previous version of you. And you have to be the first person to honor that to make sure that you aren't showing up or attempting to show up for people and really you're the one that's kind of messing things up. Now, that's not to say that it's intentional, but you may be biting off a lot more that you can chew during your season of need and during the time where it's time for you to focus on you and you allow the space for other people to do all the things for you that you have been doing for them. And there is a difference between people who support you and people who consume you. This is a season where you're able to see that very clearly. The people who back away and back up, and you know, they're just gonna leave you to it. Not they're leaving you space so that you're able to get your mind wrapped around your thoughts so that you're able to take time with yourself, for yourself, and by yourself. But people who are nowhere to be found, but they were always there for the party. And you guys know I touch on that in the book everybody can't go. Shout out and shameless plug to yours truly, where you can find that book on www.everybodycg.com. You can go straight to the website. Go ahead and hit that button. But there is a difference between the people who support you and the people that consume you. There are people who will be supportive of you in any season or at with anything that you need. So they'll support you when everything is going amazing. They'll support you while you're up, but those same people will be there when you're experiencing that loss. Now, take note and take inventory, as I have told you all many episodes before, at when you are in a season of loss, no matter how big or small, who kind of gave a couple little well wishes, but then they disappeared and then they reappear when everything's good again. Nine times out of ten, you've already seen the pattern. Whether or not you've noticed it and paid attention. I'm going to encourage and implore you now to pay attention to people in your life that have that pattern. Who every time you're in need, they disappear. But when it's back up and it's stuck, here they're back. Why are they always back when you're up when things are going well? Most of the time you'll find it's so that they're able to partake and be one of the people who benefits from the blessings of your life that are able to benefit from your overflow, that are able to drink from your saucer. I know it might be, well, that's the extra, that's what I'm supposed to. Mm-mm. You're not supposed to be casting your pearls before swine. There's a difference between being generous and being used. There's a difference between people who are always around when it's time for the party and all the good stuff, and the people that can't even be trusted to have your back when you're in a season of need. And when you are going through a grief or a traumatic event or anything of that nature, it will really expose who wants to see you win in the long run, or those people that were around just solely for their gain, or they were around because as long as you weren't, and this is the opposite. Pay attention to who wants to be around during your time of need because they want you to stay there. Because that they feed off of that energy. Whether you want to call it somebody being a hater or casting spells or whatever it is that you want to call it, pay attention to those people as well. Because even at the time that you need support, I'm not telling you to take that support from everybody. Because there may be some people who their support, they're not there for the right reasons either. So the same way that people can be in your midst and in your space when everything is good and they're not there for the right reasons, there are some people who will be around when you're in a down season or a losing season, and they're around for the wrong reasons as well. So unfortunately, you have to pay attention whether you're up or not. You still gotta take a look at who's around you and why. What are their motives for being around, and what value do you bring to them as well as what value do they bring to you? Is the dynamic beneficial both ways? Is it mutually beneficial or is it that somebody always benefiting off you, whether it's positive or negative? And also realize that some of the access is just based upon convenience. It's not based on care. Some people are around because it's convenient, because your door is always open, because you are the hostess with the most is. Y'all know I be telling on myself. Because I'm not just gonna sit up here and beat y'all up and act like I'm not telling you this based upon my own experience. And when you're looking at who's around based upon that convenience, not care, what what's the level of your friendship? Like, you know, is it real surface level? Are they if you only see her for brunch, that ain't your friend. If they only hit you up because you're the enemy of their enemy, and so now they want you as a part of the camp, that ain't your friend. Some people are meant to be associates and associates only. And when that is the case, it's fine to have people who are in your midst or around as an associate, but this is where the boundaries come in play. They have a specific set of time rules and access to being around you, to dealing with you, to having access to other people in your life, other resources that you have. Make sure that you're monitoring that. There's a separate space for people in your life who actually care about you versus the people in your life who you're a convenience to them. And the people who are around as a convenience, you're the only one who's able to set a boundary and enforce that they aren't just there so that you're always a convenience to them, but now their emergency becomes your emergency. Their urgent need now becomes something that you have to fix. And when you have a heart of a giver, well, people are kind of they're they're looking for you, they're looking for me. And not only are they looking for you, they're always looking to you to say yes. They're always looking to you to fix it, to get them out of whatever the issue is. When you might need to lead them right where they at. And when you're going through grief and loss, now really ain't the time for you to be trying to fix something for other folks when your focus is fixing you and allowing yourself the time and the space so that you're able to heal and heal properly, not just keep going because you have to and pretending that you're okay when you're not. So loss doesn't create new problems between you and whomever. It just uncovers any misalignment that was already there. And you know what? That's okay. If you want to call it using your grief as an excuse to finally get rid of whomever that you should have got rid of four years ago, yeah, I said it. You should have got rid of them four years ago, but you was being extra nice hoping that they would come around. Well, they didn't. And that's all well and good. But make sure that you really and truly think to yourself who struggled the most when you stopped overextending yourself or when you became unavailable and when you needed to lean on someone else. When you truly answer those questions and you don't have to make a big broadcast about it or anything, you can just think about those things to yourself or journal it. And when you look at the facts of that, it will tell you everything that you need to know about who needs a new set of boundaries placed around you guys' relationship or your friendship, any relationship, not just romantic. I'm talking familial, um, with your job, with friends, with associates, with whomever. Make sure that those new boundaries are set in place to protect you. The boundaries are for you. They're not to control what somebody else does. Which brings me to my second point: that the boundaries are not a punishment, it's a new set of information. You are sharing what your needs are based upon where you're at right now. If the other person is upset by that, that's a them problem. That can't be a you problem. And that's why you're setting those new boundaries there because you have a different set of needs. Your needs of the relationship have changed. It's okay to be in a season of need. It's not okay for you to just continue forward during a time of grief and loss, as if you know what, because I've always shown up for you, I'm just gonna keep showing up for you like this, even though you literally can't. No, we're not counting everything on a tallying board and going tit for tat, or we're counting favors. But for a relationship of any kind to benefit the both of you, and for you to just not be drained when you are in need, the other person should be available for you to lean on them. And then don't forget, you have changed. Grief changes us, loss changes us, trauma changes us, at least temporarily. And so during that temporary time where you are getting yourself back together, where you are taking in the taking the time to feel your feelings and heal, you have to admit that you aren't you aren't normal you, you aren't regular you. And for some folks, in some cases, you won't ever be that version of yourself again. You can evolve and become someone else new or a new version of yourself, but you won't be back to the way that you were before in a lot of cases. And that's okay too. That is life and life filled with growth if you choose a path of growing through your loss. So some people they may interpret the the way that your relationship dynamic changes, they may interpret that as you rejecting them. And you kind of don't really have time to coddle them in that feeling. Because remember, you're in survival mode dealing with what you're dealing with. And by addressing the whole thing about someone else feeling rejected, because right now you're in an extreme uh area of need or time of need within your life, when you choose to redirect your attention to trying to make them feel better, to trying to smooth things over, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it might feel okay in the moment, but long term, it's not going to fare well for you. The time that you're spending on trying to make sure that they don't feel rejected is time, energy, and thought that you need to be spending on your own healing. Even if that means at that time you're going to spend it doing absolutely nothing or just being at rest. If that's what you need at this time, you have to honor that for yourself, especially if there is a person or people in your life who they aren't honoring that and they're bringing it to you that, oh, I'm I'm being rejected right now, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right now, this ain't about them. It's about you. And sometimes you're going to have to, y'all know I say it all the time. Sometimes you're going to be the villain of somebody else's story. Let them do that. Let them do that. Because trying to heal out of order or trying to communicate out of order, everything that you smooth over with them, if you're at a certain level of stress and grief, you're not going to remember what y'all talked about anyway. So there's really no point in you pretending that it's okay, that that's how they're receiving you being in need, or that you have the emotional capacity for the conversation that they want to have when you're already running on fumes or you're just, you're literally moving around like a robot on autopilot. That's not fair to you. So it can be addressed in the future when you have the emotional capacity to do so, and also when you are back in the right headspace so that you can communicate with that person effectively. Because while you're in your in the midst of your loss, in the midst of your grief, you might think that you're communicating what you need to communicate. You might not be doing it that well. That's another reason why I don't want you to try to take on another issue or use it as a distraction because you may be in the middle of thinking that, oh, you I you've been watching a podcast for three years running, and you know all the things, all the things, and all of the books and therapy and everything. So you know exactly what to say and what to do. Just because you have all that knowledge doesn't mean that in your season of pain that you're using all of those things as effectively as you feel like you are. So, how about we try to not do it out of order so that you can make sure that again, you're not tearing up stuff as you go, thinking that you're fixing it, because you're supposed to be focusing on fixing you. And remember that boundaries aren't revenge, it's just stepping into a new set of clarity based upon the needs that you have right now, based upon the needs from the way that your life has changed and or been affected. So minimize, you know what, just right about now, if anybody trying to argue with you, and now is absolutely not the time, lead them with where they at. Let them argue with themselves. Because I guarantee you, the type of person that will want to argue with you while you are in the midst of grief and loss is the same kind of person that you ain't even gotta say nothing. They'll sit there and argue with themselves. And you don't gotta listen either. If you don't want to hang up, go ahead and turn the phone all the way down and put it on the table. Go finish cleaning up. They'll hang up the phone eventually. Let them do what they're gonna do. Put yourself on DD or put them on a blocked list if you must. You can always remove them at a different time if you don't have time for the foolishness right then. There is an emotional discomfort about disappointing other people while you're choosing yourself, and that's one of those things, it's just gonna be uncomfortable, but you have to shrug your shoulders to say, Oh, well. Because if you're in a situation where emotionally you're already drained and it's a them or you, they already won't help you out. Who's gonna drive you to the to the mental health facility if you need to check yourself in for inpatient care? For outpatient care, they don't even have enough care for you to just let you use the little bit of energy and a capacity that you. have left to take care of yourself and for them to lend a helping hand to you. So don't let that that uncomfortable feeling of disappointing them, don't let that override what you need during your your season of grieving and loss. You have to take care of yourself first. Especially if like even if you're worried about disappointing the other person, them being there will provide you with reassurance that they aren't disappointed. They're doing what real friends do showing up for you being there for you being supportive of you. They're doing what real family does showing up for you if it's a person that they they can't do that or it just has to be about them like it always has family gonna always be family. That don't mean you gotta talk to them. Examine is that really your friend does that acquaintance lean more towards that acquaintance zone or the friend zone? Make sure that you pay attention to that and still make sure that you're choosing yourself so that you're able to be restored to as close to what you were before as you can get or so that you're able to continue moving forward into that evolved healed version of yourself. And while you're doing that you don't have to do like a long drawn out explanation of the new boundaries why you need them what you're placing them there for whatever like at this point it just it is what it is. You can think through all of the things with the new boundary that you need to set you might not be available for brunch every Saturday anymore because you literally just don't feel like it and that's fine. You don't have to explain why and in some cases it would be it would be wild if you had to explain why you're not available. And so people are giving you a hard time about that especially when it's abundantly clear why you're not available, why you don't have capacity, why you can't let them borrow money anymore, why they can't borrow your car, why they can't come crash at your place, why you're not feeling like partying or going shopping, why you can't do them that favor if it's abundantly clear why you're not available for any of that stuff and they got an attitude about it. Okay fine cut it let it be what it's gonna be and make sure that you're thinking about whether or not you adding them on that that you know that DD list or that blocked list um because I mean depending on how people treat you go on a whole block party because when folks are supposed to be supporting you but they're mad that you aren't able to show up the way that you used to show up that's messed up. And sometimes you ain't aren't able to see how messed up that is because you're already dealing with your own go-through. And some of these things you'll be able to see it in retrospect but if you are currently in the midst of going through that grief or going through that loss or going through whatever it is and you find yourself being treated that way, go ahead and set that heart boundary that you'll just be no contact with that person until you even have the capacity to figure out how you would like to proceed with the relationship or with the dynamics between the two of you based upon how you're being treated. And also make sure that you're not the one out here wilding and lashing out because of how you're feeling I'm just gonna assume because you're here that you're not wilding out crashing out on folks needlessly and out here acting a fool. And if you are get some accountability and don't sit up here and be like when Jessica said and using my stuff out of context I will find you or maybe the person that you said Jessica said they can come find me and um get some real education over here and apply it properly or at least make an attempt okay so uh a boundary is simply a statement of what is now required for you to remain whole that's a note for you to take and yes that one I had to read it because I wanted to make sure that I stated it the right way the way that I wrote it down and um people who experience your boundary as punishment again remember now is not the time for you to try to overeducate them for you to over explain yourself or sometimes for this now is not the time for you to explain yourself at all with what your new set of needs is at current just go ahead and let them act a fool by themselves. You don't have time right now not only do you not have time you don't have energy you don't have the the mental or emotional capacity let somebody argue with themselves let them act a fool by themselves let them sit over there by themselves when you're feeling better you can revisit the foolishness to see if there's any way to salvage the dynamic and admit to yourself if you don't have time for the foolishness go ahead and operate in your grief so that you're able to grow through it or at bare minimum just go through it. Because it comes in cycles it comes in stages and it will feel different and hit different depending on what you're doing, how much rested you get how well are you taking care of yourself but either way you're gonna have to go through it. So make sure that you are putting the proper focus on yourself and those things that are absolutely necessary so that you can continue on in the healthiest way that you can possibly navigate the season for yourself. And make sure that you're protecting not only your schedule, your time and your resources, but doing all of those things goes into or feeds back into protecting your nervous system. Now earlier you remember that I said sometimes when you're showing up you think that you're still doing the right thing because you feel like oh well if I just do this thing I'm showing up like I always do. And I said that you might not even be you right now. A lot of that is the you know I say the science part of things and how the brain is affected and um how neurologically things change. So we did talk about uh the memory loss that you may experience we do know that with grief and trauma your boundaries can also become physiological not just emotional and not just logical when you're in a season of extreme loss uh extreme grief or extreme stress your body can physically have different feelings you may be experiencing more headaches from tension sometimes it's just from from stress it could be that you aren't noticing your water intake so you could be dehydrated you may not be keeping score of uh your your alcohol intake or are you self-medicating with um with drugs whether they be prescription or or recreational any of those different things can physically affect your body you may experience body aches you may experience fatigue you may want to feel like sleeping a lot you may become hyperactive um not able to pay attention not able to focus so there are a lot of psychological but also physiological things that can and will be affected when you are going through grief and trauma and so sometimes your body is biologically or physiologically is flipped into survival mode because of the mental or emotional state that you are in has affected you so deeply that yeah it might be hard to get out of the bed. And that's why I said your only job is to make sure that you wake up in the land of the living drink some water maybe eat some food take a bath and that's enough because physically you may not feel like doing any of those things. Physically your body can be hurting not because you stayed there and couch rotted or bed rotted all day but you may have physical pains and ailments because your body is in survival mode. This is why it's important to make sure that you have that rest when you need it not just the physical rest but also the mental and emotional rest as well. And sometimes that comes with having time for just quiet. Now that doesn't mean that people can't be around and with you when you're getting that rest and when you're getting that quiet you will need some time in isolation where you are getting your rest alone. But just because you need time for quiet doesn't mean that you have to be by yourself. This is another one of those places where boundaries need to be set in place because you may be able to be alone together with people who are able to respect the quiet time that you need and who are able to operate in the quiet time that you need. During my own time of need and during my own grief journey I did identify there are specific people who I'm able to be alone together with. Now what does that mean? That means that we're physically in the same room or physically within the same domicile or the same home or the same space but we are literally just there existing. We are both quiet doing our own thing to ourself the equivalent of being alone but there is still a feeling to having the presence of another person who is able to be there with you but they're also operating as if they're alone now that's not to say that you have to be on some weird like oh yeah um we just aren't gonna talk the entire time but being able to honor that quiet time that you need whether you are actually alone or whether you're practicing that being alone together with the people who are able to operate in that space as well without without being hurt overbearing or whatever other negative feelings that you don't have time to deal with that right now, that they're completely okay and supportive of practicing that alone togetherness those are the people that you can lean on them in that space. And sometimes they may need to lean on you in that space the same way. But the difference is that form of leaning on you it's not like you don't have to do anything because both of you guys are okay with being in the same space doing your own thing and just being quiet but having that presence there. And sometimes that same feeling can come from an emotional support animal if you have one or a pet if you got a pet that you know they can chill when you're chilling. Everybody pet not like that just like you know every um every human ain't like that every every pet ain't like that either. So uh the the same rules go if you're if you do have a pet who is able to be alone together with you, you know, sit quietly in your lap and be there to comfort you but not you know just all over the place tearing up your room while you're just trying to be quiet and chill. And make sure that when you are honoring and taking space out for that quiet time that you need alone and with others choose environments and conversations that feel safe to your body don't add more tension on top of you already having all of these feelings having all of this just stuff already if it's something that when I say it doesn't feel safe to your body do you physically start to tense up and you're kind of if you're holding tension in your shoulders you're holding tension in the top sides and in the back of your head and possibly in your forehead too and you wonder why you got a headache. Sometimes it's not because you dehydrated sometimes it's because you are tense. So even though you may consciously put those shoulders down and you're you feel like your body isn't tense is your head tense is your skull tense is are the muscles on wrapped around your skull are those tense are you clenching your jaw are you grating your teeth are you furrowing your brow are you bawling up your lips all of those things that are going on uh on your face are you doing them subconsciously and sometimes we're only focused on our facial expression sometimes you can do that teeth grinding in the back and you really getting it and so you're feeling it all up in here and sometimes in your in your temples are you in a relaxed state or is your body in the most relaxed state that it can be in pay attention to those things. And if you are intense uh I'm sorry if you are tense when you're in certain uh physical environments or um geographical environments make sure that you remove yourself or find yourself a safe space to be somewhere where you can go so that your body can release that tension and make sure that your body feels safe so that you are able to make better time better use and better quality of that quiet time and that resting time. And make sure that the interactions that you're having are the interactions that you need. There may be some that you some interactions with people that you have to go through but any of the interactions where you get to choose, make sure that you're choosing optimally and placing the boundaries so that you are not worried about how other folks are going to receive what it is that you need right now in terms of boundaries surrounding interactions so that you aren't being drained whether it's intentional or unintentional right now you have to pay attention to what your capacity looks like and ways to find rest during your time of grief and loss. And after a loss peace isn't really a luxury you know uh shout out to Mel T. She talks about luxury items all the time and being a luxury item when you're looking at those luxury items and some of the things that we do for self-care along the way this is a self-care necessity is what I'll say. So I don't want you to look at being able to take out that proper quiet time that you need and setting the boundaries that you now need. Don't look at that as a luxury because right now it's not right now it is medicine for you. It is what you need and when you're feeling better you might be able to you know reel it back in a little bit but right now you cannot consider these things as a luxury it's what your mental needs it's what your body needs it's what your emotions need. And really it's what everybody around you needs as well because if a lot of other people are leaning on you and you're already on empty, you just showing up for the sake of showing up that's like bringing an empty milk jug to somebody that said hey I want some cereal for my bowl of milk and you set an empty carton in front of them. It's not doing them no good. It ain't doing nothing. And then you get offended if they're looking at you crazy. Don't be the empty milk carton when you show up and sometimes that takes you not showing up so that you can refill your own tank so that you can make sure when you do show up the milk carton ain't empty and you out here just looking crazy because you're trying real hard with nothing. You ain't got nothing. And if you ain't got nothing right now that is okay. So you're allowed to build a life that your nervous system can live inside of and other people they're just gonna have to deal with it again so that when you do show up, you show up at least partially full. So that you aren't showing up completely empty just rattling around because you're physically there, but your mind is gone, your emotions are gone, you snapping on people or you are um being very short that you you just aren't there because you're drained for right now. And it's okay to be in that space but make sure that when you're aware you're in that space or you're feeling that you're in that space, take the time for you so that you can get through it in the healthiest way possible. Is it gonna feel good? I never promised you that I say so that you can work through it in the healthiest way possible. So the access to you it has to change and your boundaries have to change and become a priority when healing is the most important thing on your list so that you can get back closer to being you as much as you can you're going to have to take some time to be at least a little bit selfish. And would you really call it selfish when you don't have anything else left to give when you're sitting there on empty if somebody chooses to view it that way they might not be fit to go with you to the next level. And you know everybody can't go so that's cool anyway. Let them go ahead and excuse themselves while you work on you. So thank you guys for joining another Everybody can't go convo and participating in this grief series and we will see you guys on the next episode as we continue to dig into and unfold some of the things that can help you when you are experiencing grief loss tragedy and trauma good night