Carrying Love Forward After Loss 5 of 6

When someone you love is gone, one question lingers quietly:

What happens to the love?

In this episode of Everybody Can’t Go Convos, we’re having an honest and gentle conversation about what it looks like to carry love forward after loss. Because while grief changes everything, it doesn’t end connection—it transforms it.

This episode is for the moments when you miss them deeply…
 and you’re learning how to keep living anyway.

Because love doesn’t disappear.
 It just finds a new way to exist.

What We’re Talking About

• Why healing doesn’t require you to “let go” of the person you lost
• Continuing bonds in healthy, grounding ways
• Turning memories into something that supports you—not just hurts you
• Living in a way that honors what you’ve lost
• Allowing love and grief to coexist without guilt

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

And we laugh. Welcome to another Everybody Can't Go Convo. I am your host, Jesse Holly, and we are going to keep moving right along during our grief series. We have another couple of topics for you guys. And as the grief journey and growth journey goes, we are getting a little bit lighter in topic as we continue to work through, and then I will uh release you guys from this topic so that you can go out into the wild and be awesome, be amazing. So today I want to talk to you guys about the small steps that still count and what it looks like when you're rebuilding a life after everything has changed. And when I say after everything has changed, it can be due to uh loss, tragedy, uh trauma, or you know, varying degrees. So today we're focusing on the forward movement that happens after you experience a loss in your life. Movement forward, it can be slow, it can be quiet. Probably it should be quiet because you need that time to yourself, and also the the changes and the things that you're going through, it can also be unseen, largely unseen, to other people around you and people who know of you, maybe not necessarily those closest to you, but there are also times where you will be making real progress where even those closest to you, they may not be a part of that real progress or they might not be able to see it, depending on how you choose to communicate, who you're letting in, and also who is surrounding you and holding you while you are continuing to work through your own grief journey. So um make sure that you're acknowledging how your life feels different. We've talked about in previous episodes the rewriting of your vision, the rewriting or recalibration of your goals and what that looks like after there's a major loss and how that changes your outlook, how that changes the way that you will move forward and how you're able to move forward. And moving around those different priorities, reprioritizing, uh, and it may not be of your own desire to do that reprioritization. However, that doesn't mean that that reprioritization doesn't one have to happen, and then there will be other things that that reprioritization should happen for you so that you're able to um bounce back or make a comeback. And when you're looking at that bounce back portion of things or slowly easing into the new groove of things, easing into the new you and the new way that your life will be going, new routines and all of the things that will need recalibration? Make sure that you don't feel pressured to get to that point too fast or too soon. Um, you know, we always talk about bouncing back or having a strong comeback. Does it really have to be a strong comeback? Do you have to actually bounce back or do you feel comfortable with just slowly but surely easing back into life, quote unquote regular life, but also easing into and building as you go what your new life is going to look like. It's okay to ease back into life in small and quiet increments. Like you don't have to have a big, like coming out announcement that you back on the scene, things are like, oh yeah, I'm I'm back. I'm but like it's it's okay to just do a little bit at a time and to start to reintegrate yourself back into what your new normal will look like as you're still figuring things out, and in a way that it's not going to cause overwhelm because you try to just jump back into everything simultaneously. Sometimes just getting back into things one step at a time, that's what's needed because you've already been through a lot. Your mind has been through a lot, your emotions have been through a lot, which means your body has been through a lot, your resources might have been through a lot and are possibly drained. And I'm not just uh speaking financial, again, those emotional, mental, uh, physical capacities, all of those things may have been depleted for you or at least greatly, greatly reduced. And so when you're coming back, making those small decisions and coming back in quietly, a little bit at a time, it's okay to do that. And in most cases, it is a better option for you to ease back into it so that you don't do too much too fast, and also so that when you are re-acclimating yourself and implementing all of the things about your life that will be new, that you're also able to sustain those things because you don't want to come back on day one or week one and you burn yourself out like super quick because remember, oh, I'm I'm fine, I'm good now. No, you're not, you're not, and I'm not even gonna say maybe you're not. You're not good now, you're not good yet. It's okay to take that slow progression in to make sure that you're able to operate despite still not being okay. Being okay is not necessarily the goal. It's learning to live with those changes in a way that doesn't continue to stop your life. So, in terms of like, are you gonna actually fix it? Ah, no, not really. Unless you can bring somebody back, uh, it's it's not really fixed, is it? It's learning to live with it and learning to live around it. And so when you're rebuilding or recalibrating, realigning your life, it doesn't always look like this great big powerful move, or it doesn't look like a set of power moves. It's often a set of small, incremental, and slow movements. And you have to be patient with yourself. And while you're being patient with yourself, there's also somewhat of an insistence that others are patient with you as well as you start to come back into what your new life is going to be. And you already know what I'm gonna say about those people that they don't want to have that patience and grace with you. Everybody can go. And so, if now is their time to go away from you, let them so that you can continue to work back into and become acclimated with your new normal at a pace that may be slower than what you're used to moving at, operating at, but it is a pace that is necessary so that you're able to make healthy changes and changes that are sustainable, not just quick fixes so that you're able to stop the pain. So when you're looking at making that slow, like nice transition back into the swing of things, let go of the idea of your comeback being dramatic, that it has to be this, like this, like I said, like an announcement. Like it doesn't, your comeback, it don't even have to be a comeback. Just like it's okay for you to just exist in your grief and in your feelings. It's also okay to continue to just exist until you relearn how to sustain and maintain what your new normal is gonna be. And I think that a lot of times in society, we love a good comeback story, don't we? Like we love for somebody to make a big ass comeback. This is a clean podcast, but that is how how that is how much I feel about it, okay? It's always expected that there is some big dramatic comeback when we have gone through something. And it it doesn't have to be, you know, a movie type story. It doesn't have to be a dramatic script. And I want you to be okay with that. There are so many people, not just at home, but also abroad, there are people all over who just move back into life and let it be what it's going to be without putting yourself through the extra stress of trying to figure out how it's even gonna be a comeback or how it will become a comeback story, a comeback narrative, any of that stuff. Now, does that take away from the fact that it could be a it could be considered a bounce back or it could be considered a comeback? No, I don't want to take that away from you if that's the way that your story will go. But what I don't want you to do is feel like that's how it has to happen in order for you continuing to grow past your grief in order for it to be valid. Whatever your comeback story or not comeback story is, whatever is your journey and your path of growth, it is valid and it's okay. It's what's about, it's it's about what ways you're able to cope in a healthy way without further tearing yourself down while you're already experiencing a a period of hurt, a period of pain, a period of loss. When you are moving through that, slow healing sometimes it could feel like failure compared to like, and and that's look, that's why we ain't worried about they, the data, we don't even know who who they or them is. And when we're looking at comparison, we know comparison is the thief of joy. Don't compare your healing process to somebody's big, huge transformation after they've experienced some type of loss, some type of trauma, some type of grief. Your story is your story, your journey is your journey. So I want you to let go of the the idea that in order for it to mean something or in order for it to be a thing, that it has to be a thing. It doesn't have to be a thing. Your journey is your journey, and it being a slow and steady and healthy pace, that is good enough. That is good enough. And the results that you get at the end of that quote unquote just being good enough, those results can be extraordinary for you. Because what we don't talk about sometimes with these uh dramatic comeback stories or dramatic comeback narratives is that we don't talk about the additional influences, additional resources, outside help that you may not even have access to. You remember, like these comeback stories are a lot like social media. You see in the highlight reel. You are watching Sports Center reel highlights on Monday morning of everything that happened all day on Sunday. And everything that happened on the field all day on Sunday, there were weeks, months, years, and lifetimes leading up to preparation for everything that happened on that Sunday. And all of that stuff is being summed up into a just a little highlight part that you can see. So when you are thinking of how you will start to re-acclimate into life or rebuild your life, don't worry about that narrative itself or creating one, especially when you're comparing to well, after such and such went through this, they bounced back and they did blah blah blah, or they came back and they did da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You don't know what it took that person to be able to make such a comeback and for it to be so sensational, so explosive, and for it to be so widespread. You don't know what extra things, people, or opportunities that surrounded them, so that that could be the narrative of their comeback that was painted for you to receive. So don't give in to the societal pressures or the self-inflicted pressures because you're already feeling bad and so you're scrolling. We're not gonna do that. You don't need a dramatic comeback for your healing to be valid. It's valid because you are already enough. Make sure that you aren't insistent on turning your pain into purpose or turn that pain into success. If that's really not how you feel, don't. And even if you are talking to somebody that they're like, oh my goodness, this could help so many people, is that where your heart is with it? If it's not, it's okay to not remember how many times have I said throughout this series, it's okay to not be your regular helpful self because you need to focus on you healing and getting better. If if your your story, if it does need to be a comeback story, if it does need to be shared, if it is gonna help so many other people, there's time for that after you get yourself back together. You don't have to rush into it because the people are waiting. Let them wait. Anyone who's that interested, they'll still be there or they'll come back. When you are ready to let the story be known, when you are ready to talk about the things that you did while you worked through your own journey, all of that stuff, it'll still be there. And if you give yourself enough time, I think it's a good chance that you can chronicle it a little bit better when you have the mindset and the mind frame to pay attention to some of those things and um and not not feel, even if you feel the pressure, not giving into um the feelings of the pressure of just doing it because everybody else wants you to. Now isn't the time for people pleasing. And if people pleasing is a chronic thing for you or was a chronic thing, I always tell you, hang it up anyway. But during your season of grieving and loss, it really isn't the time to worry about pleasing others and doing the things that other folks want you to do. It can be a welcome distraction from time to time in very small increments, but if you're not feeling it at all, that's okay too. Just make sure that you aren't doing too much too fast so that your focus can go to where it needs to, and that's on you healing so that you're able to show up the way that you intend to for other people. And I'm not gonna say for everybody else because it's not about everybody else, but showing up for people who are deserving and people who do need you to be there. So another thing that I would say usually we don't always pay attention to it. I don't remember how many episodes back it was, but I know it's been quite a while since we talked about um celebrating your small wins. Let's chunk it down even smaller, especially during a time of grief and loss. Looking at micro progress as a thing. Now, I know we always talk about our big dreams, our big goals, but remember, those things are being rewritten, reformulated, recalculated, realigned after you've experienced a major loss or some type of grief or trauma in your life. So at this point, because the energy needs to be put toward your healing and your proper healing so that this thing doesn't sneak back up on you later because you're suppressing it and trying to just get back to whatever your normal is and not accepting that your normal is going to change. We have to honor the micro progress that comes with healing. Because remember, I said it is a day-to-day thing. Your smiles and your tears can come one hour to the next, one minute to the next, one second to the next. So now is the time for you to take note of and honor those small signs of movement. So, what were those four things that I said, if you only do four things a day, wake up, drink some water, eat a little something, and take your bath or your shower. That's it. When you're starting from just those four things a day, and remember I said sometimes you won't even do all four of those things. Just sip the water. You might not finish the bottle, but just just take a little sip here and there. You might not want to have a long, luxurious bath. Wash yourself. You might wake up and be like, you know what? No, this is for the birds. I don't, mm-mm. I'm going back to sleep because that's what makes you feel better. Fine. But you woke up for that couple of little minutes, you sipped your water, you bathe, and I'll even let you skip the eating part. You can survive quite a while without without the food. So even if you only do the three things, those things each day, that is micro progress. And it does count every day that you were able to wake up, peel yourself out of the bed, and go get in the shower. That's a micro progress. That's a micro win. And during that season, we're gonna count that micro win. Because remember, we're looking for and finding joy. Now, on a regular day, I don't really think we will pay attention to there being much joy in taking a shower. But when you feel very low, or you're in a place where you feel grief to a point where you actually feel broken, that is considered a micro win. We eat every day, or we eat every day that we're not fasting. But we eat every day, we drink something every day. But during your time of grieving, that is a micro win. Because how simple is it for you to just wake up, open your eyes, and not move? So there are going to be some things that usually we don't get participation trophies for that stuff on a regular. But during your season of grief and loss, we are flipping the script on that because it is a part of your healing. It's a part of real healing. And it's a part of you relearning because you do have to relearn in a way and make adjustments to how you view finding joy in the small things, in the big things. You already had something really big happen to you, and and well, it wasn't for you, but that happened to you. And so the micro progress and those micro wins are those small steps each day, hour to hour, day by day, that we're gonna have to count those. We are gonna have to pay attention to those things. Even though that there are small signs of movement, that does indicate that you are healing. Remember, I said that we can't rush this process. Suppress it, sure. Repress your feelings, of course you can. But that doesn't mean that you are actually actively healing, and that is the ultimate. Goal. But unfortunately, it's one of those goals that there is no fast track. It's not. And y'all know that I look for uh automations, I look for something that I can do things with greater ease, I look for the path of least resistance. But I will tell you this your healing journey, there I am telling you the path of least resistance. And just because it's the path of least resistance, it don't go quick, it don't hurt no less. It's just what has to be done. So you can do it now or you can do it later. But either way, it's going to have to be done as a part of your journey and as a part of your growth. And there may be some steps for you that you'll need to modify or some things that you will be able to, you can say, Oh, well, I was already practicing that. But here are some, you know, tidbits that I can add on to what I was already doing. And that's awesome. But I don't want you to think that there's any way to skip over or circumvent. Because when that becomes the goal, all of the work is just going to sneak up on you at the most inopportune time later. And I'm pretty sure that in most cases, for folks that I've talked to, it sneaks back up when you think that you're perfectly fine, as soon as you feel safe, as soon as you feel like, nah, I really am good, but you haven't dealt with that pain, you haven't dealt with that grief, you haven't dealt with that loss. It's the strangest thing. It sneaks up sometimes for people, people years later, it sneaks up on them because they were able to push it down so far and bury it so far and just hold on to it instead of releasing it little by little and learning to live around it. Sometimes it can bring everything crashing back down around you as if it happened just yesterday. So you don't get to choose who you lose, but you do get to choose how you will handle it. So make sure that another micro win that you will count laughing again without guilt. Now it's, I think the easier part of it is the laughing again. You can you still will have a sense of humor. It'll peek out every now and then. But you don't have to feel guilty for being able to find joy or find laughter in things. It's a part of the grieving process of you getting back to your new normal. And also make sure that when you're looking at your plans for the future, you don't have to rewrite your whole vision in one day. You don't have to realign all of your goals in one day, not even in a week. But when you reprioritized everything in your life after things got turned upside down, you can count the small wins of making simple future plans. Are you gonna spend some extra time with loved ones a day or two from now? Do you have plans to support and spend time with one another? Did you plan yourself a walk in the park for some quiet time? Did you apply, did you plan to be alone together and choose an activity that you're going to do? All of those little things that on a day-to-day we wouldn't really think too much of it. We're counting those small wins. We're counting those micro wins because they are a part of getting you to where you need to be. All of those little things. Remember, I used the analogy the other day talking about a grain of sand. We are all of these little micro winds, they are a grain of sand each time. Eventually, there will be enough tiny grains to fill a jar. Again, there are beaches everywhere full of these tiny micro grains. So don't count all of your micro winds out. They are needed. And again, day to day, hour to hour, week to week, it's enough. And you are still making progress forward, you just may not be progressing as quickly as you are used to moving or at the pace that you're used to operating at. So measure your progress by your capacity, the capacity that you currently have. Don't measure it by performance. Because really, what you're doing to yourself, you're putting yourself under unfair and undue pressure. And also it's not apples to apples. You have a completely different set of controls once you are taking into account that you are going through a grieving process and processing a loss. Your capacity is not the same. So you can't have the same expectation of yourself or others when you are going through this season in your life. It just doesn't. I mean, you can go through the falsehood of having the same expectations because you're going to pretend that your capacity is the same. I'm going to tell you, you're fighting a losing battle. Anytime you are trying to fit a gallon worth of water into a quart-sized container, it does not fit. I don't care what you do. A gallon is not going to fit in a quart. Period. So when your capacity has been diminished, stop expecting a gallon worth of work when you only have a quart worth of capacity left. And that is okay. So don't measure your performance. Measure your progress during this time. And that is what you are paying attention to all of those small micro wins for, so that you can make note of the progress that you're making, no matter how large or how small, because that those small bits of progress, they will equal larger gains and larger progress as you go on. But your performance is not going to be to the level that you are used to operating at. And it's simply because you don't have the capacity to do so. So even when you're trying to force yourself, you might be able to squeeze a little extra out, but you just simply won't be able to operate the way that you were before your loss. Now, can you work back up to that? Of course. You could definitely work back up to it, but don't try to force it to happen when you're literally just looking at an impossible situation. Like the math, just not math in. The capacity, just not capacity in. Yeah, I just made that up. And so uh your small steps, it does still move you forward, even when nobody's clapping for you. And you're not making those, that um, your your steps forward and you are making that progress for people's applause anyway. You ain't doing this for the clout, you're not doing this for them. You're doing this for you first and foremost. So even if you're doing this for others who are a part of your why, some of your uh close and trusted folk, whether it be for your family, um, your legacy, any of those different things, make sure that as you continue to progress and as you continue to move forward with those small steps, make sure that you're creating a future that is going to fit the new version of you. That is another one of the reasons why slowing down and making micro progress is important during your season of grief because remember, that is a part of your recalibration of and the rewriting of your vision and the recalibration of those goals that you will have to make adjustments to. When you don't slow down and attempt to continue full steam ahead, and the conditions have changed for you, you may find yourself moving into what now becomes the wrong direction, and you are just going in the wrong direction, full steam ahead, because you didn't take the time to pause and then slowly start to move back into a plan that needs revision. If you don't revise the plan, the plan is something that is operational for the old version of you. It does not account for your loss, it does not account for your grief, it does not account for what the loss and the grief has done to you, your capacity, and how you are now able to operate. When you skip over all of those things, it does make it harder to move forward if you don't think about the changes that you'll have to make moving forward. And that in itself, those changes that you'll have to make moving forward, that in itself can even be painful to think about. It's painful to consider sometimes. It's painful to accept and admit, but that is one of those, another one of those things that it must be done, but it don't feel good. But you do have to to make sure that you aren't running in the wrong direction, to make sure that the pieces of your vision that do still that will remain unchanged, but you need to change the path to get there, or the pieces of your vision that they meet it may need an edit or two. How will you honor that person's legacy within your own vision since they're no longer able to be there? You do have to release some of the old expectations that you have that no longer fit, they may not be possible to do, you may have a better way to get it done, or you may have to reroute how you will get it done, depending on uh who is there, what resources you have available, prioritization, different things like that. But the main thing is being open to all of the changes that would affect the uh future that you have moving forward and that new version of you that is um able to come out of you moving forward. So make sure that the future that you are building toward, that you have created a realigned strategy for, make sure that it's based upon your current energy levels, which means honoring that capacity and setting the new boundaries that you need, new priorities. Remember, there may have been a handful of things that were just dropped onto your plate. So you had to shuffle all of your priorities. Take that into account. You may need to change some deadlines, you may need to uh recalibrate some of your timelines, your expectations around those timelines of when things would uh be completed, when you would have uh have acquired things by uh different things of that nature. Make sure that you are open to new timelines and to things being shuffled when you're taking those new priorities into consideration. And make sure that you're also designing your future based on deeper values. Hopefully, you're able to come out of your season of grief and loss with a different understanding of what life and legacy will look like for you and your family, or you and your loved ones, or you and your friend group. Make sure that you find the ways to honor what you've lost within what you are recalibrating and within what you're building. And while you're in that stage and you're building slowly while you're getting re-acclimated, while you're moving quietly, you know what? This is one of those times. Move in silence. And I mean, actually, move in silence, not the kind where you gotta make a Facebook post that you're moving in silence, therefore you're not moving in silence. I mean really moving in silence. So that you're able to hear, you're able to operate in the new way that you need, and in the way that what life moving forward requires from you. And so, what if that quiet life and this quiet time, what if that's the truest version of your life and your authentic self for right now? That's not to say that you have to be quiet forever. That's not to say bury any of your gifts, your talents, your story. It's not to say to bury any of those things or hide it away. It's just to say that sometimes that quiet and that slowness and stillness is needed so that you are able to build in a way that is sustainable in the way that you need. So no matter how slow you're moving or how quickly you're moving, you're not behind in your healing journey. You're not behind. So don't rush. Of all the things to not rush, this ain't one of them. And even if you try to rush it, it's gonna bully you back, which it sucks. But don't feel like you're um left behind or you're taking too long. It takes the time that it takes, and that is okay. And make sure that you're emphasizing um patience with yourself. You know, the I always talk about resilience, but maybe right now isn't the time for you to focus on resilience. Focus on patience with yourself, focus on compassion with yourself, focus on being open-minded for all of the changes that will come, whether you want them to or not. And so that you are more level-headed in deciding which changes to embrace, which changes to reject, what new boundaries you need, and how you will move forward and what will that look like, even when you're figuring that out one day at a time. So you don't have to rebuild everything today, you don't have to rebuild everything this week, you don't have to even rebuild everything this month. But just make sure that you are taking those small steps or those micro steps one at a time so that you are still moving forward no matter by how much, no matter by how little, no matter how fast, no matter how slow, but you're still moving. So just take that next small step because those small steps and those micro steps, they still count. And it is very important during this season for you that you honor that, not only for yourself, but for those who look to you, those around you, and those who you may simply just not have the capacity to um help them the way that you usually would. You just existing and the way that you handle what it is that you're going through, that may be help enough for those around you and just being able to observe how you handle the situation. So thank you guys for tuning in with me for another Everybody Can't Go Convo, and for rocking with us as we work through this grief series. So we will see you guys on the next episode where we will have a bit of a conversation that will get even lighter, where we'll talk about honoring the legacy of your lost one and finding ways to experience joy and to bring some of that laughter back, even if it's through the tears. See you guys on the next one. Bye.