Rebuild 1 of 4: Rebuilding Your Life Without Rushing Yourself Ep 95

REBUILDING: This series shifts the conversation from surviving grief → intentionally rebuilding life, identity, routines, confidence, and vision after everything changed. Learning how to move forward without pressure to “have it all together.”

Main Talking Points:
Why healing and rebuilding happen slower than social media portrays
Releasing panic around timelines and productivity
Building stability before chasing momentum again
Trusting gradual progress instead of dramatic transformation
Giving yourself permission to rebuild differently this time

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Okay. And we laugh again. I'ma see if y'all can get in this chat.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

See if y'all can hear me. See if y'all can see me. And hopefully this time around, this does what it needs to do. I don't know why they're doing me like this, y'all. So tonight's message must be um for somebody. Must be I'm having all these issues. You know what I'm saying? Why does breakthrough have to be so hard? I ask myself these things every day.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Every day. Okay, yeah. It looks like we are actually laughed this time.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Awesome. All right, we laugh. Now, let me take y'all back to the beginning of where I was waxing at before. I was just, you know where we ain't go even go there. Because we're gonna have a good night. All right. So the past six episodes, we've been talking about um grief and loss. And last week, I let you guys know that we were going to end off on a uh on a note that may not be a high note, but it will transition us into the what happens after. So that brings us right into rebuilding. So when we're talking about rebuilding, we're talking about rebuilding your life after loss, rebuilding with intention. We're talking about rebuilding after the loss of, and this is this is broader, okay? So we're talking about rebuilding things after the loss of a loved one, after the loss of a job, a relationship, a friendship, a um a home, a car, a situation. When you have those types of changes in life, there's going to be some type of rebuilding needed. Now, whether that's rebuilding so that you can reestablish the same thing or rebuilding into something completely and totally new, the choice is up to you. That's where you get to choose. And actually, you get to choose whether or not you will go down the path of rebuilding, or if the loss that occurred in your life, if it's something that you just like, yeah, nah, I'm just letting that go. And you, you know, you letting that letting that joint be left. I just point it one way. I hope that's the left for y'all. So we want to look at intentionally rebuilding our life, rebuilding identity, rebuilding routines, rebuilding confidence, and rebuilding vision after everything has changed for you, or after there have been major changes in your life andor in this season for you. So, this episode, we're going to talk about rebuilding your life without rushing yourself. Some of the things that I'm going to say today will be kind of ironic, just slightly, just a scoche. Um, and I'm willing to go ahead and take that L. And I'm gonna take that L because I want you guys to be able to grow. So when we're looking at learning how to move forward without the pressure to have it all together, we hit on that um throughout the past month and a half. We've hit on that. And I have a few points that I want to make with you guys today so that I can remember to stay on track and make sure I look at my notes. So my first bullet point was a thing that is actually kind of ironic. Because you're gonna be like, but Jesse, aren't you? This is going to be a, I'm not even gonna say that this is gonna be a do as I say, not as I do. This is going to be a do as I say, and I'm going to let you know what I actually do. And so that you can see behind the curtain, see behind the veil. So, first, healing and rebuilding happens slower in real life. It happens slower than what you see on social media. The reason why I say that's ironic for those of you that did know me, follow me, yes, I am back very soon. I am. I previously tried to come back a little too soon. Didn't work out too well. I was it was all over the place. So a lot of times we're scrolling, uh, especially when you are in that that loss season, you are you in that scrolling season because you want to be inside, you want to take time to yourself, and it's real easy to go ahead and kind of get bored and or be in need of that mindless task to do. So when we're talking about doing all those mindless tasks, those things where you are you're resting, but you also have something to distract your mind from how you're feeling, from just feeling the feels. I don't want to say wallowing in the pain, but at some point you do have to take a break from the hurting. And with that comes a lot of TV, sometimes reality TV for folks that like that. The only reason why I haven't fallen victim to it is because I think it's ridiculous. I just, I don't like it. And what I will fall victim to is my crime shows. Didn't you see what I did there and fall victim to crime shows? But um, another thing that is easy to just is is literally right there. You might even be watching me right now on the thing. In your phone, it is easy to just click an app or several. Once you get tired of scrolling one, you scroll another. And you see pick after pick, carousel after video after reaction after post after DM of people portraying their healing journey and their rebuilding phases. They're giving you the highlight, so it seems like it's happening in rapid succession. And sometimes that can leave you thinking, well, if she healed in six weeks, because we just got finished with the six-week series. If she's on rebuild already, then why is it taking me so long? Here's where I'm gonna go ahead and tell you the truth. I'm gonna be real. Even though I don't tell you guys to do anything that I haven't done, the truth is you only see me for a highlight reel. You see me for an hour. Remember, I said I made sure to take note of the four to five bullet points that I have for you guys today so that I could make sure that the things that that I was like, this is the point that I need to make. I need them to get this, need them to get this, need them to get this, need them to get this. I couldn't just go straight off the top of my head because I was gonna forget. I was going to forget, okay? So just because I'm able to show up and be on social media or to sit with you guys for 30 minutes to an hour, depending on how long I'm going on the pipe, that doesn't mean that everything is okay all the time. That doesn't mean that my healing journey is done. It's something that is ongoing. And so I don't want you guys to peruse social media. I especially don't want you to come to my page and be like, oh yeah, I'm about to watch this six episodes, get straight to the rebuild, and I'm gonna be smooth. Mm-mm. This is a longer commitment to self, a longer commitment to healing, and a longer commitment to a lot of different things when you are truly looking at going through what healing looks like. And like I said, I'm still in the midst of it. So even though I have re-entered the world, restarted to do some things, this was one of the things that was near and dear to me and something that could be somewhat of an outlet. I haven't gone back out into the wild on everything. Remember, I say it slowly but surely. Social media makes it seem like people are, you know, just popping out. They backs are doing everything that they used to. And that's not always necessarily the case. So I don't want you to take that on, take that as a challenge, nor let it make you um feel the type of way or be negatively impacted by watching someone else's journey. Know the difference between being inspired by watching someone else's healing journey while you're just seeing the highlights or the portions that they want you to see, and comparing that to yourself to the point where you've moved beyond learning, you've moved beyond motivation and inspo, and you moved into, well, why can't I do that? Or things are are moving too slowly for me. That's going to be important when we move into the rebuild phase, because anything that you are building or rebuilding, just like you may need to rewrite your vision and make adjustments based upon your losses, based upon what has gone on or what has transpired, when you're rebuilding, the foundation itself has to be strong. And so if you are in like the very beginning or on shaky, like if you're, we can't build on sand. We especially can't build on quick sand. So if you're still in that state where when you're trying to get the foundation together, things are they're really shaky. Things are, you know, something's sinking over here, something is sinking over there. You may need to still take the time to pause. Don't add anything additional to your plate. It's cool to just rest right there until you are ready to rebuild in multiple areas. It's okay to rebuild in just one area when you're ready to get started. So don't let that social media thing make you think that you gotta rebuild six things at once. Just start with one thing and stay there for as long as you need to so that you can make sure that when you add thing number two, add thing number three that you're rebuilding, make sure that you don't drop thing number one that you have rebuilt in favor of, or while you're trying to add on number two and number three, because you're not ready to um hold, handle, or build all of those things simultaneously. So don't be in like in a hyperactive panic mode that like you just like, oh, I gotta do this and I gotta get all this done now. So um, that's moving into my next point. Release the panic around the timelines and the productivity. We dug into this as well uh during the grief series. So when you are thinking about the timeline that you want to have as you're rebuilding, remember that you're gonna have to have that grace, kind of have that open door policy with yourself. Because you may have plans to like, look, I got plans Monday through Friday. On a Tuesday, it may just be one of those days where grief hits you hard or the loss that occurred, you're like, you know what? I didn't realize that that affected this, this, and this area in my life. And so you're forced into another um mini pause that you could be forced to pull a pause for a day. Now, is that gonna throw off your whole timeline that you have for the week? It could, but that's where you have to have that grace with yourself and just don't panic that, okay, you're a day behind. We're not gonna call it or claim it as being a day behind. It just is what it is, that you need it to take a pause. The plan is still the plan, and the steps are still the steps. We just have to be uber flexible with the timelines, and we have to be uber flexible with our expectations of ourselves when it comes to productivity. So even when you are in a healthy space with healing, there will be forced pauses along the way where you just may not have been able to anticipate that. Sometimes you have a down day, sometimes it's due to the weather. Sometimes you you may have seen something there that reminded you of a person. There may be an event that you needed to get to at the last minute. And that vehicle that you lost, you're like, dang, well, if I if I have my car, there, you know, maybe an opportunity that presents itself that you're like, well, darn, I'd be able to do this thing if I hadn't lost that job. I gotta make sure that I'm paying attention to my savings and counting these coins. When you're looking at what productivity looks like, be gentle with yourself so that you're able to be realistic with yourself about what your situation actually is in that current moment, but it's so that you can make adjustments to your timeline and so that you can focus on what the next task is. So what's important is the next task, not necessarily the timeline right now. Because when you try to impose timelines, productivity, and the um the tasks and goals on yourself all at once, when you are still in that healing journey, because really rebuilding that is a part of the healing journey. It's a a bit further into healing. However, you aren't all the way back whole yet. So you can't expect the same output that you had previously, and not expecting that same output of yourself. What becomes most important and what becomes a priority is making sure that the next task gets done. Not forcing yourself to meet the timeline if you are in a moment of crisis, if you are in a short amount of time where you're like filling that funk. And I'm not just talking about, you know, a sometimes the funk will be longer than that five minutes. And what will help you in the long run so that you can catch up on that timeline that you were so hyper focused on, catching up on that timeline or not catching up on the timeline and letting it be what it's gonna be. But if you're looking at catching up on that timeline, you can actually catch up quicker when you take the pause when you need to, even if it puts you a couple of days behind. Because if you need that time so that you can rest, reset, recenter, so that you were able to resume the rebuilding that you are focused on, you do have to take that time. Because what you may not realize is subconsciously, you might already be in let me catch up to the timeline mode, and you weren't even aware of it because you're like, oh, I got the task, the next task after that, the next task after that. I'm working, I'm working.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

Okay, you're working, but have you eaten? Have you taken a planned break?

SPEAKER_01 16:52

When you take a break, are you actually taking a break or are you just walking away from the task? Are you just walking away from the work? Are you just walking away from your desk? Are you being intentional about the break that you're taking to make sure that you are getting those deep breaths in where you need them? Are you making sure that you are, okay, if you're eating, we can have our treat once in a while. But have you stopped paying attention and now you're back to eating cookies every day? Why do I say that? Had to raise my own hand for those of you guys in the audio. I have to pay attention to what it is that I'm doing so that I don't just say, bump it. I'm going to crumble every day because that's what I want to do, and the cookies are good. This is not a paid advertisement. But uh, in all seriousness, um, when you aren't paying too much attention to what you're doing on those breaks and the things that you are doing in between, yes, and y'all know my other cookie plays. But I ain't doing no more free promo up here. Um, but when you aren't paying attention to um being intentional about the breaks that you're taking or need to take, it's very easy to slip into, okay, I'm gonna take a break and walk away, but I'm gonna scroll just out of habit. And we get back to point number one, because we we was like, oh shoot, I gotta go back and scroll. Or you aren't paying attention to, you know, I'm gonna have a treat at the after breakfast, I'm gonna have a treat at lunchtime, I'm gonna have a treat at dinner time, and I'm gonna have a late night treat when it's like, mm-hmm, were you paying attention? Did you have your salad? How much water did you drink? Are you just loading down your coffee, your tea with sugar in the morning because that's what you want to do and you aren't paying attention for the rest of the day? There are other small ways and things that we need to pay attention to to make sure that we're still taking care of ourselves, even when we're not taking care of ourselves, while we're on the mend and in that phase of rebuilding, uh, because there is still repair going on within you while you are rebuilding. So that brings me into my next point, and that's building that stability before chasing the momentum again. So when I talked about making sure that that foundation is solid, thing number one, that you have that downpacked, or at least you got it 80% of the way there before you try to add on number two and number three, so that you don't um burn out, so that you don't crash out, so that things don't start falling left and right again. Because instead of building things one by one in uh in a uh timeline and at a pace that is right for you in this season, you start trying to juggle because you like, well, there were six things I needed to do. I'm only working on one right now. What about the other five? Let that other five sit there. Let it sit there until you have a strong foundation because what you're going to end up doing is either dropping something or you're going to start juggling. And the juggling is gonna go, it's gonna be fine as long as it's just two things. When you add the third thing on there, it's gonna get a little, it's gonna get a little dicey. Once you have four through six, unless you are a professional juggler, stuff gonna be flying everywhere. And even if you are a professional juggler, which sometimes for those of us who are high achievers, my pilots, my GCs, my flight attendants. I say all three of those for different reasons. My flight attendants, because you think that you got all the energy in the world back, my pilots, because yeah, you gotta be the one to go ahead and know I have to get my ducks back in a row. The GCs, well, everybody needs me, so I have to get back to it. No, you don't. A flight attendant, a pilot, a ground screw, none of y'all gotta get back to it. Now, I do hold out hope for my ATCs because y'all good at putting your foot down on certain stuff and sticking to the process. So I got I got faith in my ATCs that y'all would y'all will be the one, one group of folks that is like, you know what? I'm not good. I won't be back. Not that I'm picking on the rest of us, not just I said us, but and if you're wondering what I'm talking about with the um flight attendant, grounds crew, and uh ATC and pilot, go ahead and shoot me an email at info at everybodycg.com, shameless flood, so that you can get your flight assessment with me, an extreme execution coach, and so that we can walk you through what your assessment. Looks like. But when you're rebuilding that stability, you have to rebuild that foundation in a way that you are literally building up and you steer stepping up, not just juggling all this stuff, things flying and falling all over the place. Then you lean over to pick something up, that knots over something else. Sometimes what is, and you know what? I will say this is actually the second most important thing. When I said the first, the most important thing is the next task. After that, what is important is being stable. A lot of times, creating a new set of stability, it's going to take longer than you anticipate. It's going to require additional resources that you may not have control for, you may haven't planned for, you might not even know where to get the resources yet. And that becomes another thing on your list, another task that you have to dive into so that you can make sure that you are building a stable foundation and that each layer after that that you're building it's stable and so that you can then increase the momentum. If you increase in your momentum while things are falling all over the place, you ain't doing nothing but stirring up a pot of chaos and expecting that you are going to get something awesome at the end of it. You're expecting that your life is going to be rebuilt after that. While we can sometimes thrive in chaos, we can coordinate the chaos, we can make sense of it. There is no way for you to rebuild your life after experiencing a loss. And by different spaces, I mean two or more, to where you do have to enter into a rebuilding season. Stirring up all that chaos and hoping for a Picasso masterpiece, maybe I should have used a different artist, a Rembrandt masterpiece. Y'all artist people will know why I said that about stirring the chaos and coming out with him. That's neither here nor there. But when you are looking at stirring up all that chaos and you have the expectation that you're going to be able to rebuild something that is sustainable, something that will be continuously useful, and something that can handle when you do get your capacity back, a system and a structure that can handle when you do start back picking up momentum. As you slowly but surely return to your new normal and you pick up your pace, you're getting back to, you know, who you are a bit more. If you're a person that moves a certain type of way, and you build a shaky foundation, and you just like, that's okay, I'm gonna just keep building up. It's not going to be able to sustain who you were andor who you are becoming. And so I just really wouldn't want you guys to waste your time continuing to build something shaky or continuing to build on something shaky, knowing that the chances of collapse are far greater when you are rushing yourself, when you are focusing on the wrong things or in the wrong areas right now, because you have a new set of needs. Your needs have changed. And you have to honor that so that you're able to move forward in a way that you aren't really kind of like working for nothing. You know, we don't need to hurt for free. We don't need to work for free. We need to make sure that the effort and the work that we're putting in that is actually going to get us somewhere. And the things that we build and grow from that, we want to be able to keep those things, maintain those things, not just do it just to be doing it, just to say we did it. And then it's kind of like gone with the wind. Because what's gonna happen is you're gonna end up back in square one and have to rebuild it again anyway. So just take your time to do the adjustments and build it right the first time along the way, or rebuild it right the first time along the way, so that you're able to uh sustain it and maintain it as you go. And so that your um new life is able to sustain, um sustain what it looks like for you to regain your momentum and for you to pick your pace back up. So make sure that you trust that gradual process instead of looking for a dramatic transformation when you're looking at rebuilding, because that that dramatic transformation that kind of represents all of that juggling, that stirring, that pot of chaos, and then hoping for something that is going to be strong, something that um where your your foundation of framing is able to withstand what you're you're building or getting back to in the future. And that gradual process, y'all, y'all know my pilot flight attendant self. Y'all know I'm fast-paced, and it's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, trust the gradual process. I just had to have a talk with myself yesterday about trusting the gradual process. And I was mad too. I was mad that I couldn't go ahead and finish what I started and what I started working on. And when I got to a point where I'm like, you know what? My brain is tired. I can't think too much anymore. I know I know the answer. I have the pieces, but I need to put them together and formulate them in a way that made sense so that I can, so I can get this project done. It got to a point where I was like, you know what? I can tell that I'm wasting my time staying at the computer, continuing to work on this right now. Let me go ahead and keep my notes open where I was at. Went on ahead and left my pen right there. I know what screens I stopped on. And I said, you know what? We're gonna go ahead and lock up the computer. Because right now, my brain isn't computing no more. I'm tight. Now, regular, fast-paced me would have wanted to drink a cup of tea and work another couple of hours on that thing so that I could get to one of those milestones so that I could meet the productivity of the timeline that I had in my head. But what was best for me in that moment was to honor that, darn, okay, I've been working on this for a few hours now. I'm mentally fatigued a little. I'm tired, I'm sleepy. Yeah, I would love to meet this milestone where I could get this part of my project finished. But the fact of the matter was, it was time for me to take rest for the evening, not to take a break. It was time for me to honor that my mental capacity for the day was like, nope, I've had enough. We don't have any more mental blocks for today. Shut it down. And guess what? When I got up this morning and came back to my computer, the same screens were still there. I was able to pick up on my project where I left off, and with a fresh mind, the same thing that I couldn't figure out last night because I was too tired. I was too tired. The same thing that I couldn't figure out last night. I was able to figure it out this morning and able to work on it some more in this evening while my mind was fresh, while I was well rested, while I had my nice little coffee, while I had my nice little cup of tea in the afternoon, so that I was able to take a look at it and actually think. Notice I said that I had to come back to it this morning and I came back to it this evening. This was a task that I thought I was going to be able to sit, sit through it, and finish it out in four to six hours. Yesterday I did that four-hour session. I wasn't gonna make it to six. And even if I did, I wasn't going to be as productive as I thought I was going to make myself be. So the very same thing that I'm telling you is make sure don't panic around that timeline. Stop trying to count your regular productivity. Stop trying to count the productivity that you think that you've made it to that level, because yesterday's productivity is not today's level of productivity. Because you don't know what's going to pop up for you today. That's why when you're looking at rebuilding, the next task is what we are prioritizing. Because your capacity is going to fluctuate. It may fluctuate daily. And daily, it may fluctuate greatly. One day you literally could be at a zero. The next day, you could be at 120. And the day after that, you could be at negative 10. It doesn't necessarily have to be an up and down like that day by day, but you do need to honor where you're at, honor your capacity, be mindful of your emotional and mental capacity while you're while you're rebuilding, while you're looking at all of the things that you need to restructure, the things you need to catch up on, the things that you need to do moving forward, and what you have on your plate at present. Just prioritize that next thing. So my project from last night that I thought I was gonna finish in that four to six hour time block, and I was going to be done, it is still not complete. I don't like that. But leaning into the truth of, I will continue to work at it a few hours at a time. Or even if I only have one hour. If I only have an hour, that's all the time that I have to work at it so that I can build this thing and build it right. And so that I can provide you guys with a surprise. You can actually head over to www.everybodycg.com and go ahead and click the first thing you see. In the next couple of weeks, I'll have something for you. But even if you haven't finished that task in the amount of time that you wanted to allot for yourself, continue to plug away at it. And I didn't even say that you have to like it. Because remember, I said I don't. I just know that the thing needs to get done, and it's not going to get done within the four to six hours that I'd allotted. That ship has sailed. But the point is, get it done and make sure that the time that I'm spending on getting it done, that I'm able to be fully present, that I'm honoring my capacity and being fair to myself, so that I'm not just sitting through, quote unquote, working. Y'all on audio, y'all got the finger quilt going. I'm working when really I'm just sitting there trying to force myself past exhaustion to get something done. Make sure that you aren't doing that. If you're tired, let yourself be tired. If you're feeling a wave of grief, let yourself feel a wave of grief. So that while you're rebuilding, we can make sure that we're rebuilding a stable foundation, not just sleepily working, and it may or may not be right when we look at it with fresh eyes in the morning. So hopefully y'all y'all got me with that one. And then last, give yourself permission to build differently this time. That's that touches on so many areas of rebuilding. Um when you're looking at rebuilding differently, you're looking at that portion where you're thinking about rewriting your vision. When you rebuild this time, some of the things that you're going to fix, you aren't fixing parts of the previous vision that you had. You're setting the foundation for completely new portions of the rewritten vision that you are bringing to fruition. Some of those adjustments that you have to make as you're rewriting your vision and you're doing those little edits, those little tweaks to the details. You may have had an entirely different plan for how you were going to get some of those details filled in. Give yourself permission to do it differently. The details look different. The overall vision is the same, but how you're going to get there may look different. Who's going to be there may look different. How you're going to make it happen, the path to get some of those things accomplished, it may look different. And that's okay. When you're looking at rebuilding, it's actually required. So if it's a requirement, why fight against it? I mean, you can fight against it if you want to. It's just going to make it take longer. Just like fighting against that tiredness. You're going to work anyway. It's just going to make it take longer. So go ahead and give yourself permission ahead of time. And this is another one of those things. You don't have to like it. Just be aware of it and accept it so that you can go ahead and move around it. So that you can, I mean, put it in your pocket, carry it with you, but so that you're able to move forward and you're able to do what you need to do so that you aren't, what is that? Um when you keep repeating the same thing, expecting a different result. Um, I forgot the actual saying itself, but how that's insanity. Make sure that you aren't like beating that dead horse, trying and trying and trying to apply an old, like an old set of work, uh old ideology, an old like way of doing things to your new life, to the new person that you've become, applying that to your new norm, especially when you see that that's not going to work where you're going in your post-loss season. Of course, as always, I just want to see you guys win. And even if the winning is slow, a slow rebuild is still rebuilding. And it's probably a bit of a gentler one where you don't have to take yourself through the ringer when you aren't going to get extra results from doing that in this situation. You may actually set yourself further back, trying to go real hard when right now you may still be in a state that's a bit too fragile to go hard the way that you did before. So make sure that you're rebuilding your life without rushing yourself. This is the time and the season for the slow and steady so that you can sustain and maintain the work that you're doing now in the future. And also so that what you're building slowly but surely right now, it'll be able to handle the weight, the speed, the pressure of what it looks like for you to start back picking up momentum and picking up pace without everything crumbling again, and you're right back at step one of rebuilding. So thank you guys for tuning in this week to another Everybody Can't Go Convo. We will see you guys next week for part two for the rebuilding portion of uh, I guess you can call this a mini rebuild series. So we will see you guys on the next three episodes where we'll walk through rebuilding so that we can make sure that we're not just doing a bunch of stuff to sound good, look good, but it actually is good. And we'll take our time while we're doing it this time. Even if we don't like it for those of us who are fast-paced. So we will see you guys next week for another Everybody Can't Go Congo. As always, thank you guys for joining. Make sure you like and hit subscribe and share this episode with somebody. If there's somebody that you think it could help, make sure to go ahead and send them the link. Good night, everybody. Peace.