What Grief Really Does to You— Real Talk with a Licensed Therapist

What does grief really do to you—and how do you begin to heal?

In this episode of Everybody Can’t Go Convos, I’m joined by licensed professional counselor Dana Bell, LPC, founder of the Healing Hearts Grief Support Group. Together, we’re having an honest conversation about what grief looks like in real life—and how to move forward without rushing the process.

We talk about how grief affects your mind and body, the difference between processing and avoiding pain, and what healing actually looks like on a day-to-day basis. If you’ve been feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to navigate life after loss, this episode will meet you with clarity, compassion, and practical guidance.

In This Episode:

• What grief does to your brain, body, and emotions
• Healthy vs. unhealthy ways of coping with loss
• How to practice self-care and self-love during grief
• Rebuilding your life without rushing your healing
• Setting boundaries and finding the right support system

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:02

And we laugh. I won't say Happy Wednesday because this is a bonus episode during our grief and loss series. But welcome to this bonus episode of Everybody Can't Go Convos. Today, as you can see, I have a guest on with me. You know, I always say coaches need coaches. I always say that you guys need to not only come here to receive advice from a coach, but you also need to get with the licensed mental health professionals. So just in case y'all haven't been listening, when I say make sure that you get in touch with the licensed mental health care professionals, I have one on with us today, Dana Bell. She is a licensed professional counselor in the mental health space. And today we're going to talk a bit about grief and loss, of course, and get some of the information directly from the licensed professional. Some of the things that, you know, I might be able to tell you what she said, but it's better to get it straight from the source sometimes. And Dana, thank you so much for coming on with us today. Welcome.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

You are very, very welcome. And thank you for inviting me. I like opportunities to talk about mental health with the mask. Of course, of course.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

And I'm so glad that you decided to join on. So as I said, I've I always encourage listeners to, oh, and disclaimer, you guys, even though we have the licensed mental health professional on with us, I am not a licensed mental health professional. Disclaimer. I always make sure to give that disclaimer because I find that in the podcasting world, there are a lot of times where those of us who are imparting wisdom, we are um we're speaking to help other people. Sometimes people end up asking, oh, so are you a licensed person? And I'm like, oh, no, no, no. I am not licensed. I am just giving the same advice that I would give if I were to sit down with a close friend, family member, a loved one, and let them know what I would do or from my experiences in the past. And so we always hear talk about that little bit of a disclaimer because I do feel that it is important and that it's also important for people to experience the aid and assistance that can come from, you know, you're able to listen to my podcast for free. You can find it on all platforms. But there also is an importance with getting with a licensed professional because there are going to be some things, tools, techniques, some methodologies that you guys are able to provide that I may not be aware of. So thank you so much for um for agreeing to come on and speak with the audience, especially on such a sensitive topic, such as uh grief and loss. So thank you again. Of course, as we get started, um, of course, I I have my my few questions that that I have here for you. So I wanted to start by talking about from your professional aspect, what grief actually does to the mind and the body. Um, because sometimes we feel that grief is just it's just a head and heart thing. And we often leave out what happens to our physical body when we're going through a season of extreme grief and loss.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

Okay. So there are times when, as you said, the grief may be um intense for some more than others. Um, so in a physical aspect, you may feel tired. You may feel um as if nothing is wrong physically. You know, you're you're moving the way that you normally do. Um there seems there may seem to be a little um, what do you want to say, not tiredness, but um a slow pace. A slow pace. So in your head, as you said, um we're thinking about the pain of the loss. That person isn't there. And then when we're triggered by, oh, let me make a call to mom, let me make a call to my friend, um, that it strikes us again as, oh wow, they're not here. And so you feel that emotional pull of sadness. Um, oftentimes when we're sad, we try to push that away, right? Um, if you're disappointed about um missing a call or not going to a game or even losing a job, it's a little different when it's a loved one. However, people grieve from loss, and the loss can be from a job, a loved one, um, a family home, uh, something that you have put emotional attachment to, such as my grandfather gave me this, you know, uh Mustang, and it is a classic. So, because of that emotional attachment to that thing, that person they are grieving as if they lost someone. So, what happens? You're feeling um alone, you feel withdrawn, right? And oftentimes people can't really identify how they're feeling or why that particular feeling is there. So I hope that cleared it up a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 5:55

Yes, yes, it does. For myself, I did notice that um that that physical drain feeling, that that tiredness that I'm like, okay, I we we know how many hours worth of sleep we're supposed to get. Why do I still feel sleepy, lethargic, all of those things? Uh and another thing that I noticed was like the the effects on memory, focus, decision making, it's almost like uh just feeling stuck, like having that that pause feeling where usually I'm like I'm I'm flight attendant, pilot, I'm fast-paced, everything is always like I'm on the go. And to be in a situation where someone asks me a question and my mouth is open, but no sound is coming out, my brain is freezing, I can't answer. Why does grief impact like our our memory, our focus, and our decision making?

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Well, I believe that it is because we're not taught how to mourn, right? Um, we're taught to push it down and ignore. Whereas if you had time to actually feel the pain, understand the pain, um, like you said, you have this like lethargic feeling. Can I just be still for a moment? As opposed to, okay, um, my loved one has died. I have to not feel because I have to take care of business. So it's like you gotta shut this in down so that you can supercharge this other, um, this other side, right? And even with that, in our culture, our society, how many days do you get to um more to bury a loved one? Right? If you even get the two. Some entities that hey, they don't have, they don't pay you for um um taking a day off because um of a loved one or for bereavement. They just don't. So then you're missing time and not getting paid at all. And so you can't even process these important decisions that you have to make in a moment as and and even let alone deal with, okay, I have to make a decision. Are they going to this funeral home or this funeral home? Um, how long can they stay at the hospital if they were there? The hospital, they're not dealing with our emotions. They don't understand that you don't understand what's happening to the degree of where they you slow down their work pace, if that makes sense. Um, so because of that, uh, you don't know how to or you're not allowed to be still, resonate with what's going on, like, oh, I'm really gonna miss this person. Again, we're taught, hey, hey, hey, click out of that, pay attention to this, and you can cry later. Well, okay, when is the later? Because after we finish the ceremony part, I have to get back to work. I have to take these kids to school. I have to do do do. When is later that I can sit down and embrace the loss of what and who this person was to me, or even like I said, if it was a um a job. People they do grieve when they lose their job, be that be it through um uh uh a shutdown or um what do they call it when they uh uh furloughs and layoffs, yeah, all of those things. Yeah, layoffs and furloughs. They their mind goes into survival mode of like what's happening? Not even understanding why they feel this way. So I I think we don't do as great a service as we should with helping people. Yes, you are sad, and yes, this does hurt. Tell me why it hurts. Why do you think you'll miss them? Um, do you even remember the good things about this person, or are you just thinking about the loss of it all together?

SPEAKER_02 10:14

So, right, right. So, with that being said, that it's it's so prevalent in society that we're expected to just jump back into it and get back to normal, perform as usual, as if our we aren't affected emotionally and neurologically uh when grief strikes us or loss strikes us. How does the body end up responding to that prolonged grief or that um where you talked about we we kind of just it happens and we just push it down and kind of hold on to it to store it? What does that do to our body uh over time?

SPEAKER_00 10:57

Well, it messes with like you you already mentioned, your sleep, um your sleep schedule or your quality of sleep. It uh disturbs our digestive system, our nervous system. Why? Because some type of emotion is trying to show itself or um pull through, and you're you're going against the flow and pushing it down, pushing it down, ignoring it. So it's like a um a certain static that's taking place. It can't, or I should say stagnation. It's not moving through whatever the process is for you. So um the headaches come, the it like you're irritable, you know, uh um short-tempered, you're overreacting to it's like, hey, okay, I spilled some water, but I can get a uh the paper towel and get it up. Why did that strike me the way that it did? You might burst into tears from it. And it's because, again, because those emotions are not being regulated. They're not being addressed, they're not being allowed to surface through.

SPEAKER_02 12:07

Okay, okay. So I will want to move into talking about healthy versus unhealthy ways of processing grief. There, I notice in some cultures that death is is truly celebrated, or it is looked at kind of matter-ofactly uh in comparison to how in our culture, in our society, we deal with or handle uh the death of a loved one or the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job. And it caused me to kind of wonder about what are healthy versus unhealthy ways of processing grief. I know some people kind of, you know, just isolate, and that isolation becomes permanent. I've seen folks, you know, turn to drinking, turn to uh drugs, turn to other unhealthy habits that may not have been present before. They may have had usage prior to, but it became more so of an addiction as a way to cope with the pain, to cope with the grief, to cope with the loss. And I wanted to find out, in your professional opinion, what are some signs that a person is processing grief in a healthy way, since we know so many of the unhealthy ways to process grief?

SPEAKER_00 13:39

Okay. So what makes something unhealthy is when it is disruptive to um your normal way of life in a sense of when we have those celebrations um dealing with grief, and all of the family from all over the country have come and you're celebrating you're you are supposed to be celebrating their life and not discrediting that they pass, but celebrating their life. And there is alcohol there. That does not mean that's an unhealthy thing, but if you're using alcohol in a manner to manage your emotions over the course of a period that is quite unusual, that's the unhealthy part. Because alcohol can't be the managing denominator. You are, you are, because as opposed to having wine, you can go for a walk. As opposed to eating every time those sad feelings come using food. No, there's something else that you can do, which is listen to music. So anytime it becomes excessive, right? Um, that is what the unnormal or unhealthy thing is. So again, how you mentioned we tend to, we don't want to take the kids to, you know, the family hour or the funeral. Um, so then how long does it take before you do introduce death to them in a sense of understanding, yes, this is a part of life, it is a flow of um of what happens around us. Are we waiting to their teens and then they become early, you know, young adults having never been to a funeral? How can we keep them from that part of life and call that healthy? Right. So um there are different attributes that we have to pay attention to because um I might be okay after a few weeks, you might not. So is that unhealthy? No, it's not. Everybody does have to process their grief in a manner that is helpful for them, not to dismiss it and discard it and think that it's going to or you will become all right without ever addressing it. That's that's where it is. And um if a person understands their grief with whatever the loss is, that helps so if they identify be able to identify their thoughts, their feelings, that can assist with their um their mourning period and having, as you said, a healthy grief period.

SPEAKER_02 16:56

Okay. So that makes me turn my attention to being able to tell if someone is suppressing those feelings and just burying them down, versus you talked about actually addressing the feelings, allowing yourself to feel what you feel, having a grief process. What does it how are we able to tell if someone is suppressing their feelings versus actually healing and going through that grief process, whatever that looks like for the individual?

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Okay. So as you said, depending on um that person's normal way of being right, they're always cheerful, helpful. Um they they don't shy away from interaction. So if they're the opposite, you know, this person used to be talkative and now they they barely say good morning. And we don't know if that's their grief. We do have to engage them and ask them because hey, something else might be going on. But in the sense of them withdrawing and not coming to you with a concern, and if they are beginning to push away and seclude themselves on a regular, then um you might have a little something to look into.

SPEAKER_02 18:33

So what I'm gathering from the ways that that you've talked about uh grief itself, it sounds like that it's not about just getting over it or acting like you got over it. It's more so about working through it and working through it at your own pace. And that that journey is going to look different for different people. There can be varying levels of sadness, there can be varying levels of how deeply you're grieving whatever the specific loss is. Um I mean, it could be short and intense, it could be long and intense, it could be long and dull. It just really depends from person to person and what it is that you've lost and what it is that you're grieving, whether it be the death of a person, whether it be the loss of a job or an item that you were emotionally attached to, whether it be the loss of in a relate uh a relationship between relationships, yes, pets. Mm-hmm. And you guys on audio know that I just pointed at the sign that every uh the everybody can go sign. It is also possible to grieve a relationship that was lost or a situation that was lost as well. And so when you're going through that process, it's going to look different, but it's not helpful to avoid those feelings or just push them down, bury them down when we're really thinking about what is that doing to your physical body? What is it doing to your mental health state, and what is it doing to your emotions as well. And I really, I really think about the the physical aspect of it because a lot of times when we're looking at grief and loss, we only think about the head and heart portion of it. And we don't actually pay attention to the physical ramifications of what it looks like to bury those emotions, bury those feelings, or just kind of sit them on the shelf saying, I'll get back to it. Like you said, you know, earlier in this session. Get back to it when. You can't just let it sit until if you do decide to do that, it's very easy for those emotions and that grief to creep up on you at the most inopportune time. I mean, when is the best time? When is the right time? Unfortunately, or maybe I shouldn't say fortunately, the time is now. Let yourself feel the feelings. And if there isn't space for that, create it for yourself. Right. Make the space, take the time. Don't allow others to push you into being okay when you're not okay. It's all right if you aren't okay right now.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

And then understanding, well, what is okay? You know, my okay is different from yours. Your okay is different from your neighbors. So who gets to determine what's okay? We do. So it's not it's not fitting or not healthy for you to say, I'm all right, I'm all right, when you for real, for real, no, you're not. And you know that. or not. So that part of owning what it is that you feel, what it is that you're thinking, especially when you speak of um the relationships, um, you're not all right. It's and it's all right. Like it was just said, but understand what it is that you're feeling and what it is that you're thinking about the loss. That um that has a strong attachment as well because depending on the thoughts that we're having about the loss, um, do you feel cheated? Do you feel betrayed? Do you feel even if if the loss is death, think about it, some people, they're angry with that person. It's like, you promised me this, you promised me that, you said you were gonna do this, you never did that. And now they can't do those things. So how are how are we processing that hurt? Right? From from what? Not so much the loss, but my thoughts and feelings about being betrayed, about you breaking promises, about you not keeping your word. That's something totally different that can affect your grief process.

SPEAKER_02 23:21

Yes, that is very true. And I myself have experienced that that feeling of betrayal and it took uh quite a bit of of research and digging for me as I started to write about my my loss and what I thought life would be moving forward. As I began to write and as I began to research and I wrote some more and I'm like wait a minute I have to I have to get some citations here. I have to get some words from the professionals here on what does this feel like? What am I trying to describe? And that that was the word that I put on it and I'm like how is it possible to feel the feeling of betrayal when I've lost someone and then it was a a layered feeling because then I felt guilty for feeling betrayed because I felt that the person had left me that they'd abandoned me. And I I ended up I I had to write my way through those feelings like those the layers of those feelings so for me writing became a self-care tool of self- in processing my emotions and my feelings. So when we're talking about self-care and self-love during loss um what are what does self-care really look like during our season of grief or what can it look like? For me it was writing it was journaling it was writing books.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

How can what are some some what does self-care look like while you're grieving and experiencing loss well again it it depends upon the person so um uh you know what okay it's a a new show that just came on um Paramount and I can't remember the name of it but um Kurt Kurt Russell is in it and um Michelle Pfeiffer and he had a whole part of life that his wife and daughters never knew about in the sense of the experience of it he would go way way like Montana somewhere where it's open land and you know just this this great nature this beauty but they always lived in the city of New York okay hustle and bustle and shopping and things so to mourn his death they went there okay and it was a totally different experience so now is that something that I would do no um when my mom passed I wanted to I told my sister and our best friend I said I'm going to a white sandy beach I don't know where they are I've seen them in the movies this was like in 96 so I asked them hey do you want to go with me if even if they weren't going I was going to go by myself so why because I thought that that was the most serene place that I could go to um to mourn over my mom and embrace uh her life and the life that I have you know by her being my mom and so it depends on who you are what your likes are um what it is that you want to realize as you go through your mourning period your grief period right um do you like fishing? Do you like painting? Do you like singing? Did you always tell yourself hey you know what I'm gonna learn how to play an instrument all those things are fine. Your mom loved to cook and you didn't like it and she said she was going to teach you one day okay now you missed that opportunity but mom has all these recipes that might be something that you want to do you want to you're going to take her recipes and play with them and tweak them if you want to right because we have a lot of vegan eaters now so you're gonna take that recipe and tweak it and make it vegan for you. So now it's part mom and it's part you okay all of that is fine but you have to identify it in yourself and it's nothing wrong with trying something to soothe you because that's what we do with the drugs and and here's the other thing when people hear drugs the doctor will give you drugs to soothe you during grief right so it's not as if that's a bad thing it's how you utilize it. That's what makes it um off centered so what type of things do you like? What do you find soothes your soul eases your nerves that's what people have to focus on and I think a lot of times again we tend to do what others do and thinking that it will work for us.

SPEAKER_02 28:40

And I think half of the time it doesn't you have to fit see oh well okay that's what Lucy does I'm not doing that doesn't work for me yeah that is very true uh there can there's definitely like a myriad of things um I've experienced with my own family everyone has a different uh a different need or a a different thing that that they need or would would like to do for what self-care looks like for them and being a support to others and honoring that uh has been an enlightening experience in itself with just looking at the different subtleties of of what each person needs even though there's a shared loss among the same group of of people even though it's a a group everyone is still an individual and so for all of the the listeners whether you are the person who has experienced grief and loss or you are the person who's supporting someone else that is something that is really important to remember and uh also one of the things that I kept in mind while I chose a few topics to hone in on during this grief and loss series because there are so many options out there for what is available, what can be used, what could be helpful but it varies from individual to individual which of these methods which of these self-care tools which of these things do you need specifically all of it isn't for everybody. You may love all of it you may every episode you may find something that you say oh I'm gonna implement that there may be some episodes that you listen it's good information but it's not exactly what you need or what feels right in your head heart or for your life so I love that you you brought that up and I hadn't really delved into the um going down the lane of um medication during this period or during this season for people. How are people able to tell if a part of what their self-care during their season of grief and loss, how are they able to tell or what do they need to do if they do need to take a temporary medication route for being able to deal and cope with their grief well of course you can talk about it with your family or friends if you feel that for instance sleeping is one of the major things when you're going through grief right if your sleep is so disrupted maybe you need to have a sleeping aid.

SPEAKER_00 31:50

And again I like I tell my um clients um who are struggling with anxiety and depression and they quickly say I don't want any I don't want to take any medicine it um I don't want to become addicted and okay you don't have to some people do need some medication because of a chemical imbalance with their system however the majority of us nope you don't have to take medication there are things that are naturally medicine for us that we should be indulging in what walking outside it is a beautiful day here in Michigan it's bright and sunny however it's 33 degrees is that cold and chilly for some yes for some no go outside anyway go outside let the sun hit your face or take a hot a hobby like we just sculpting learn learn how to play an instrument take dance lessons you have to speak up for you you have to advocate for yourself for your health so if you go to the doctor and they do suggest some type of um you know sleeping aid talk to them about it what is this what is ambient what is Xanax what how do they affect my body you have that phone that tells you everything uh just go you know read it pull it up and see what does Ms Google say about um Xanax and then talk to the doctor about it don't go in thinking everything that the doctor says is what I have to do. You guys are making a plan for yourself so speak up and if that's not something that you want to do okay go for a walk in the morning and the evening that may assist your um your uh your sleep um if you find that you're that you're really nervous right now and again you don't want to take medicine okay how about stop watching the news stop um strolling get off of that computer those things will help reduce some of your anxious um symptoms in regards to hyping it up or feeding your anxiety so you have to be involved with your best self I tell my clients that all the time don't look at it as these people that I'm around have to change. No they don't they don't have to change anything that they don't want to why because that's them you have to change who you are and how you treat yourself. Are you giving yourself the best attention or are you giving it away you might have to pull back from some of your um activities with helping all these other people because hey you need some help you need some special attention and um I think that oftentimes we forget that that we need to take care of ourselves first.

SPEAKER_02 35:06

Yeah you got to put your mask on first especially during a time like this absolutely so when you get to the point where uh say you haven't put your own mask on first and you're still trying to function what suggestions would you have for someone who they would they they want to practice the self-care and they want to take the walk they want to set that doctor's appointment to see if they if they do need something uh else but they're completely emotionally depleted and don't know where to start what would be your suggestion for uh someone who they just they feel like they don't have it they don't have just anything else left to give but they do have the desire to start implementing these different uh coping mechanisms that are healthy okay so I always suggest um you don't have to learn how to play the guitar in one night you don't it's okay to call a couple of places and then ask them hey what days how much just take one step that's the gist of it take one step oh you completed that one step all right so tomorrow maybe you can take a step and a half but some movement has to be made towards what it is that you want to do and um and this might look it might be a bad word but you have to ask for help you have to let people know um you know what I think I'm struggling a little bit and I'm trying to um do this this uh thing called life and move forward and I just feel stuck so now one thing you had um mentioned real briefly about those of us that may help them make sure that the help that you're giving to them is about them and not about you being helpful.

SPEAKER_00 37:17

So what does that look like? That looks like you know that they love um food from um from whatever their favorite restaurant is you can call them and let them know hey I'm having some Grubhub send you they're gonna drop something off you don't have to worry about getting um getting dinner today or just call and say hey I'm going to the movies Friday ask your friend if they want to go because again this too is a factor of us with mourning and grief. When you find uh especially about a loved one when you find out that this loss took place you have hundreds of folks all over you for about a two weeks that is overwhelming within itself trying not to tell this one off and this cousin that's always got something to say but and you know look Aunt Lucy is coming and all she does is nitpick is like all right I can't deal with all of that and this right here. So when it's over with though it's dead silence. You don't hear from these people you don't see the where are the cards they're really grieving now what are we doing to support that person? Send them some flowers out the blue. Call them and let them know hey I'm going to the grocery store what you need and don't tell me nothing.

SPEAKER_02 39:00

If even if they say nothing you know what they like you know help them out a little bit um that way that person doesn't have to um concentrate on asking saying hey can you help me out but as I keep saying though you know that you want some help and you might need a little nudge especially if it's been so many weeks and you haven't been able to get a good night's sleep yet right so you gotta you gotta um make a call or make a visit okay awesome so starting small just one step at a time and don't rush it no so when when we're looking at making sure that we aren't rushing the process in rebuilding our life and and getting I say reacclimated with whatever our new normal will become um after everything changes and you're starting to rebuild what does moving forward in a healthy way actually look like once you have implemented your your new things for going through your grieving process making sure that you do process the feelings and everything when you're looking at next steps and you're rebuilding your life what does that transition look like or what can it look like? Well because everybody's path is different um and depending on how you value yourself uh if you have a religious component or I should say a spiritual component that you gravitate towards that enriches who you are and how to feel better right so that person will see a little liveliness within their step they will notice that hey wait a minute it's been three days and I haven't cried oh wait am I feeling better right or um they notice that they did sleep well wait I went to bed at 11 this is my first wake up and it's four o'clock they they notice that they are sleeping a little better they will have a little lightness in their being if that makes sense so that's how you notice hey I'm making improvements my improvements are one day at a time and I feel better one day at a time when you talk about starting to get that lightness back when you're starting to feel better how do you balance honoring the past and honoring what the person or what you lost while creating your future okay so you honoring and and it depends because some people they may go what would be a large step they're going to create a nonprofit in that person's name because they um they valued let's say you know they valued the babies and so they're creating a rec center for after school for kids that's a big step as opposed to um you honoring your uh loved one because you know they loved baseball so you're going to opening day and you've never been the opening day you know before this those are different ways for you to honor someone in regards to them right and you figure out how your heart fits into that so um it doesn't mean that you have to not be you to honor them that that's not what that means.

SPEAKER_00 43:15

So it de it just depends on whatever the path is now for the that's for a loved one you know loss but in regards to the loss of a career um or a job or a relationship those pathways are totally different because like as you said all right so somebody is doing a massive layoff and so now and you're one of them you worked at this place for 20 years so now you got to figure out especially in a different age that we're in now this isn't you know we're in a techno age we're in a um You can create different aspects of life and be and thrive through that with without a um degree in electrical engineering. So you have to figure out who you are. That pathway to recreate yourself is totally different, depending on how old you are and what you have been exposed to, to a young person who they know all about these um soft the software and the gadgets and the apps. So things are a little different. So as you the key is you, why o you? Right? Uh who tells us about owing ourselves? You owe you, right? Eric Thomas. He tells us, you owe you, and that's what it is. You owe yourself to know who you are, what you like and what you don't like. What what things did you do only because that loved one said, um, I should do this? Right? Is that something that you even really cared about doing? Same thing, those, but those jobs and relationships, we gotta dig a little deeper to understand what it is that we're missing, what it, what's causing the confusion? Why am I hurt? Should I be hurt about losing this relationship? Or should I have left this relationship earlier? What what are we upset about? Are we really mad at them or are we kind of mad at ourselves? Are we are we um unhappy because we weren't listening to our inner self? Or is it because um you feel manipulated? You feel again betrayed. So those those types of griefs are are different and they have to be handled in a different manner. But you the key factor is you knowing who you are and honoring who you are and acknowledging what aspects of my life are hurting.

SPEAKER_02 46:17

Awesome, awesome. That there was just so much in what you just said. Um, and oh no, don't be sorry at all. Like that, that is um it gives so much to think about in terms of uh as we're we're moving away a bit from uh the the grief and loss of uh of a person via um them passing away. When we're looking at uh the loss of a relationship or a job, um, you know, like you said, sometimes we're upset that we lost a job because we really are you upset? Are you really upset? Or are you mad that the money is gone? Like, you know, were you really emotionally connected to the position and what it was that you were actually doing? Were you affecting change? Was it something that was a part of your purpose? And um, in terms of, you know, that loss of relationship? You guys know everybody can't go. And so um, when you're when you're looking at the loss of of a relationship or the the loss of how that relationship presents itself in your life, um, whether, you know, there are boundaries set in place that kind of change the the way that the the friendship or the relationship is, all of those uh different components, you do have to dig deep to think about what is the actual emotion that you're feeling, y'all know. I learned that emotion wheel because you're not just mad and you're not just sad. There are, you know, a a lot of different uh feelings that you could be having that y'all know, Google that emotion wheel so that you can go a layer deeper to see what is it that you are actually feeling about that loss. Right. So uh for uh my final uh question, um as we are uh moving into talking about the the loss of relationships and uh those dynamics changing uh for you when you experience the loss of a a relationship, a friendship, uh, or you know, lose a person. They're still in the land of the living, but you guys just aren't super tight like you were. Um what like what would a healthy support system look like when the the loss is you're grieving a person who they're still alive, but they aren't in your life anymore?

SPEAKER_00 48:43

Okay. So the grief is uh I'm gonna say attached to the relationship. Um because even if you're in a negative or a toxic relationship, you still grieve that. And folks may say, Well, wait, what what? Yeah, yeah. Why? Because you have habits attached to that relationship, you have a way of living, be it positive or negative, from that relationship. So just because you broke up with that person, separated from that person, that does not mean that now you're well, because um there again that deep dive, there are emotions that are attached to the different behaviors, the different um um views, opinions in regards to different aspects. If if they controlled your money and now you have your money back, you're it's not as if you're like, ooh, wee, I have money. No, you're trying to figure out again, like, well, what made me do that? What made me allow for somebody else to control my money? Um you're dealing with that within yourself. So the the way that you view it is how you have to understand how to now separate yourself, even though it's a um it was not a good setup, it was not a good relationship, okay. You knew that you may have not known or accepted who that person was, but that doesn't mean that the way that it showed up in your life, that you won't grieve that. And we can't be mad at our our our sisters, our moms, our brothers because they're in mourning because they they they're broke up with this person. You still have to allow them that same respect that you would them losing anything else. Why? Because that's a healthy part of the process. They they don't need to be looked down upon because they you know they're mourning this relationship. Um there was something that you said in regard of anger. Anger attaches itself to these other emotions. Um you felt embarrassed, you felt betrayed, you felt um unwanted, and anger will attach itself to that. But what do we see? We just see the anger, you having a temper tantrum, you um crying, and it's like, well, what's going on? And then you say, I don't know. Well, yeah, I'm angry. Well, okay, what you're angry about? I don't know. You sure you don't know? Something made you angry. What was it? And it wasn't because of the thing, it's because of the emotions that came with that. Okay. Yep.

SPEAKER_02 52:15

Okay. That makes a lot of sense. That makes a lot of sense. Well, um, we're coming to the the close of this hour. Um, I would like to shift gears just slightly and go back to uh talking about, as we know, the author activation weekend is coming up. And for me, that was the place where uh through the Spring Forward Writers Retreat last year, uh this year is the author activation weekend. Um, that was a place where I discovered the true like healing through writing.

SPEAKER_01 52:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 52:55

I came with the idea that I would begin to write about the the loss of my best friend and the lessons that I learned throughout my grieving process. And I experienced a different level of release, a different level of being able to feel like I could breathe again or breathe or feel lighter with actually writing out what it felt like and the things that I learned and that were um that were like my positive takeaways from our time together before he departed the the earthly realm. And I became a strong advocate for journaling and writing through trauma, grief, and loss, uh, even at that stage. I mean, everybody can't go was was born from me writing through the loss of relationships and the loss of a person who actually passed away, it it just was a different level that for me the feelings were more intense of writing through um writing through my experience. And so uh as we as we depart ways, and uh shout out to Mill T, you guys click in the show notes below if you have experienced trauma, grief, loss, and you would like to start down that path of writing through your grief, writing out your healing, click the link below. We will be in Tennessee. And also, virtual tickets have dropped, so you can join us for author activation weekend virtually. And uh for Dana, my question to you is how does writing through your grief and loss process, how does that aid in healing for some people?

SPEAKER_00 55:13

Um, I believe that it is a method that one can really use to understand themselves better. I truly believe that. Why? Because um you're taking what's in your head that's swirling around in there and putting it on paper. You're getting it out of here, you're putting it on paper, you can come back to it a couple of days later when you um feel lighter, or even if you're upset, like, well, wait a minute, I know I I thought about this before. What did I write, right? And you can see, like, oh, wait a minute, I said that. Look, and it's saying, right? So you're getting it out of your head where it's kind of just muffled up there and putting it on paper, and this is the actual thoughts that you had, and it's an exercise for you to self-assess, right? Self-reflect. Think on the things that made you um happy with that person or angry with that person. The thing that you wanted them to say to you that you want to say to them, put it on paper and go back and reflect on it, like, oh wow, I got some anger right here. Identify those emotions from that conversation that you wrote. And it gives you peace. It does make you feel lighter. You do feel as if you communicated it, even if they're not here anymore. So, um, yes, I think writing is very good, even uh when you're you're not grieving the a loss, but you might be grieving why you haven't succeeded, right? You feel stuck and that writing exercise, the journaling, it helps you to process some of that that weariness. So I love it. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 57:17

Awesome, awesome. Well, you guys have heard it directly from the mental health care professional. As you all know, you hear it from me all the time. A strong mental health care advocate. And um, I hope that you have been able to pull some things from this episode that will help you on your journey, that will help you to support someone else through their journey. And for this episode, if there's someone that you know who needs to hear it or you think that it would help, go ahead and forward them the episode so that they can take a listen, even when they get a chance to.

SPEAKER_01 57:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 57:59

Make sure that you like, subscribe, and comment below. And Dana, thank you so much for coming on with us today. Um, do you have uh any other parting words for our listeners?

SPEAKER_00 58:12

I believe that everyone needs a therapist. Yes, I said it. Everyone needs a therapist. It does not matter what walk of life, how much you make, don't make, everyone needs a therapist so that they can talk through some things. They can process some emotions, some thoughts that have kept them from progressing through or holding on to unnecessary um negative emotions. So that is my motto, and um I'm standing by it.

SPEAKER_02 58:44

And where can our listeners find you on socials online?

SPEAKER_00 58:48

Oh, on uh Instagram and Facebook. Uh, you can find me at Let's Talk with Dana Bell on my website, let's talk with Dana Bell.com. And that's where you'll find me. And yep, drop me a line. Um, also, if you're looking for a therapist and you're in Michigan or Florida, um, you can locate me on psychology today. All right, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 59:19

All right, awesome. And thank you again for coming on with us as one of the experts. And thank you all for listening as usual. And we will see you guys on the next episode of Everybody Can't Go Convos within the Grief and Loss series.