Rebuilding After Loss: Embracing Your New Identity 2 of 4 Ep 96

This episode explores navigating life after loss, focusing on rebuilding identity, embracing change, and healing. Jessi Holley shares insights on how to reintroduce yourself to the world and handle emotional shifts during grief.

Takeaways:
Grief is a growth journey, not just a loss.
You can't always choose what you lose, but you can choose how to grow from it.
Reintroducing yourself to the world is a vital part of healing.
It's okay to show up differently and prioritize your needs.
Authenticity in your reintroduction fosters genuine connections.

Pre-order Everybody Can't Go (the book) at www.EverybodyCG.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

And we laugh. We got a couple of new things happening. We are going to continue tonight. We are going to jump into episode two out of four. We're we're digging into rebuilding after loss and after going through your season or period of grieving. So the rebuild portion, we are taking this a little bit wider, a little bit more in depth. We're talking about not just the loss of a person, but sometimes we could be talking about the loss of a relationship, a friendship, the loss of a job, a car, a thing, the loss of a dream, loss of the vision that you thought you'd have, uh, the way that you thought that life was going to be. And so, yeah, I mean, when you're looking at all of those different things, it can it can be hard just dealing with the loss itself and coming to terms with that thing or that person being gone from your life. So uh if you haven't already, make sure that you go back a handful of episodes and check out the six-part grief series. And again, we are in episode two out of four for our miniature rebuild series. Um, we don't just want to talk about, you know, the things that happened and what was lost, but what do we do afterwards? So tonight I'm diving into who are you now? After that loss occurred, who are you? What does it look like to reintroduce yourself to the world after that loss? I know we spent a lot of time uh last week talking about not rushing yourself. And I want you to keep that in mind too, and remember that as you are contemplating, as you're thinking about, as you're considering, who are you now and the ways that the loss has changed you? How has it shaped you? How has it molded you into a bit of a different person than who you started out to be? So when you're looking at navigating the identity shifts that come with life after loss, you have to learn how to embrace the version of yourself that has emerged from the grief. Because even if you are intent on getting like back to who you are, getting back to yourself, you still have to take into account and embrace that new part of yourself, that new piece of you. Even if you're you're gung-ho on getting back to who you were, that's cool too. But even with getting back to who you were, there is going to be a version of yourself or a part of yourself that is more knowledgeable, a part of yourself that has more experiences, a part of yourself that may or may not be able to what's the way you used to be the person that you used to be and operate in a certain capacity, the way that you were previously able to. All of those things are okay. This is why I encourage everyone to look at grief itself as a part of your growth journey. We know that throughout our growth journey, everything is not gonna feel good. It's not. This stuff is not, it's not all rainbows and glitter and unicorns as much as I would love for it to be. It really isn't. And so when you're looking at and considering loss, you don't get to choose who stays and goes. You don't always get to choose what stays and goes, and you don't get to choose your losses all the time. But when you are handed those losses and the grief follows, you do get to choose how you will learn from that grief, and you do get to choose whether or not you are going to grow from that grief. That doesn't mean that you have to find purpose in it. That doesn't mean that you have to grow through it. Sometimes just grieving the loss is enough. And that's where the healing journey, it you're like, okay, this is where I'm cutting it off at. Much as we don't want to, as much as sometimes it will be easier to just stay hidden away, lick our wounds, and not come back online, never post again, don't show back up with friends and family, co-workers, your peers in certain spaces. Eventually, you will have to show back up. When you do decide to show back up, sometimes you can feel disconnected from the person that you used to be. You could feel disconnected from your old identity. Um, and to a certain degree, you you have become disconnected and are disconnected from who you were, depending on what the loss was in your life. Sometimes it really is earth-shattering for you in a way that your old identity is going to have some major changes to it. Now, that doesn't mean that you're going to completely stop being yourself permanently, uh, at least I hope not. But there may be major areas of your personality that change, major areas of how you interact, how you people, how you show up, how you are able to show up, whether or not you even care about showing up, not just for others, but sometimes for yourself as well. And that comes out in your old identity. You may have been a person that it meant the world to you to get ready, be used, and you know, do all the things so that you could get pretty aesthetically before you walk out the door, get handsome aesthetically before you walk out the door. In your new identity, you know, I told you guys some episodes ago, sometimes showing up that's enough. In your new identity, it could just be just showing up. That maybe all you can do is just show up. So that could cause you to feel disconnected from your old identity and the way that you used to show up because you showed up with all of the energy emotionally, all the energy mentally, all of the, all of the aesthetically pleasing things on the outside. You showed up with all the gifts, you showed up with all the the energy and all that stuff. You showed up with the vibes. Now you may just show up, just you may be looking for the vibe. You may be the person that now you're showing up in where you used to pick up other people, you might need to pick me up. You might not care about your your hair and makeup as much, or you may not care about having that that fresh lineup. You're like, hey, I'm clean, but on a little smell good, I'm outside. Showed up. Even if you're feeling disconnected from the way that you used to show up, and feeling disconnected from your old identity, that's another part of the rebuilding process and working through and going on your healing journey. It's okay to not just show up as yourself the way you were, because you aren't you the way that you were. The disconnect from your old identity can also involve taking a thought at what your new identity will look like. Is it too much of a push for you to attempt to force yourself to show up the way that you used to before the loss? Have you evolved into a different person that now you are going to show up different? And you've decided that the new way that you show up, it's um, yeah, it's it's uh until further notice. If that's your decision, that's okay. And I mean, if you aren't around people that that you know can't support you in your season of need or show you grace during that time, you already know what I'm gonna say. Y'all on audio, I'm pointing at the sign. Everybody can't go with you. And so sometimes that is one of those spaces where you're just gonna bow out gracefully or, you know, remove yourself if they aren't able to handle what your new identity looks like for your new set of needs as you continue to navigate healing and rebuilding. So that is giving some acknowledgement to the loss changing your priorities, changing your values, and changing your uh energy, not just your energy levels, but the type of energy that you are able to bring, not just the energy that you want to bring. Uh, I would say this is especially uh true for those folks who you were always like super upbeat, the life of the party. You have to give yourself room to be human. And so really, you shouldn't have to show up in places and spaces and don't force yourself to show up in places where you have to now become performative and you have to fake the energy that you simply don't have, or you have to start being, I don't want to say disingenuine, um, but you're showing up not being your genuine self. It's gonna take you more energy to fake all of that good, big energy and those vibes when you really don't have it, especially if you were genuinely that type of person before the loss. It's okay to rest a little bit in that space of you're showing up, but you aren't the life of the party. You're showing up, but you aren't bringing all of the big energy. And it's okay to acknowledge that within yourself that you have enough energy to get up, get dressed, and show up and simply like physically be present. Sometimes mentally and emotionally, what you being present looks like now is not what it looks like before the loss. This is part of the reintroduction as you start to come back into the world, as you come back outside, as you reacclimate yourself into different um different groups and your circles and different things like that. Because now you have a different set of priorities. You can't walk into a room with the first priority being, hey, let me make sure that everyone else has a great experience. Your order of priorities have changed. Now you're showing up with priority number one for you. Let me make sure that I can get in here and be presentable, that I can pay attention to what's going on around me, that I can respond when spoken to, that I can actively listen and emotionally and mentally be present. When sometimes, because of your feelings, you may want to be elsewhere. You may really feel like being elsewhere. And sometimes when your mind-drifts, you really can't help it. So those priorities will change, and sometimes your values will change as well. Some of the things that you used to uh enjoy, places you used to enjoy going, things you used to enjoy doing, people that you used to enjoy hanging around or being around. It may feel draining now, it may be uh a feeling that you just can't handle it right now. Again, that's a part of that reintroduction. If you know that your values have changed and your priorities have changed, and it's something that you need to communicate to others, think about having that conversation. That conversation that you have, and and sometimes it may need to be multiple conversations, those conversations are a part of reintroducing yourself and introducing who you have become or who you are in this season while you're still working at sand grain, one sand grain at a time, while you're still working at healing, while you're still working at rebuilding what life looks like after your loss. This is a part of allowing yourself to continue to rebuild and to continue to heal, hopefully in the healthiest way possible, the healthiest way that you know how, not just with tuning into the podcast, Shame was blood. Make sure you hit subscribe. We'd love it when you hit subscribe. But that also means that you are getting with your clinical professional. That's also the place for the disclaimer here. I am not a mental health professional, I am an extreme execution certified coach. So not only getting with your coach, your mentor, your friends, and your support system, but also getting with a licensed clinician. As you're going through that healing journey from all of those different aspects, allow yourself to evolve and to reintroduce yourself and possibly reintroduce yourself again when you get to another stage in your healing, another level in your healing. Allow yourself that evolution and those reintroductions without feeling guilty about it. The same as people are around you, they're learning how to receive you in the way that in the way that you have been changed or evolved because of your loss, the same way they're learning, you're learning too. And you have to have grace with yourself. And you have to, you have to make sure that like, even if you feel that twinge of guilt, try your best to go ahead and let that feeling go. Because we know when you're experiencing loss, you already got enough of the feels all over the place. You got enough feelings, okay? Guilt isn't one of them that you need to carry about reintroducing yourself and about the changes that have come about for your needs, your wants, your priorities, your values. No one else is able to walk in your shoes. And so when you're allowing yourself to go through that evolution, you're allowing yourself to experience these different things, uh, to feel your feelings, to seek the help that you need with the people or clinicians that you need to seek help with, um, for those of you who may need to seek medication throughout your healing journey, all of those different things. Allow yourself to explore any avenues of healthy healing that you need to and take the time to sit with yourself so that when you come face to face with, I don't want to say giving an explanation, but being able to explain it as best as you can to your loved ones that are around you, so that you're able to communicate your new set of needs, you're able to communicate your new boundaries, you're able to communicate what changes that you've made or the ways that you have evolved. You have to allow yourself to be selfish in that area and set that guilt aside so that you can effectively communicate all of those things. Like you can make all of the changes in the world, but if you aren't able to communicate effectively with the people around you who do actually care about you, the people who are not trying to give you a hard time, we're just going to assume the absolute best of intentions of everyone around you for purposes of simplifying the conversation today. You have to allow yourself to let go of that guilt so that you can be selfish, because part of that selfishness, and we're going to say, quote unquote selfishness, is so that you are able to practice a bit of selflessness in being able to effectively communicate the changes you've made. You may want to communicate why you've made those changes. It could even feel therapeutic for you to be able to talk through with your loved ones, to be able to talk through, well, because of this feeling, it caused me to make this change in my life. Which helps people to understand what the new you is looking like or how the new you is showing up. It's helping the people that you care about and who care about you to understand what that reintroduction of yourself looks like. If you don't know who you are right now, how can you help others around you to understand who you are right now? You have to take that time to reflect inward, not only so that you can reintroduce yourself, but also because that is a pivotal part of the healing journey in itself. Remember, I told you this thing ain't gonna feel good, but it's necessary. And when you take the proper steps and you do the work, I know it just sounds inhumane at times like these that you would be expected to do some more freaking work, but it must be done so that you can continue to grow and so that you are able to continue on your grief journey and continue on your healing journey with taking the healthiest path that you possibly can, because even the healthiest path available to you is still gonna hurt and it's still gonna be working. Even if you're taking a pause, you're taking a break, and you need to sit stagnant for a bit and just sit in the feelings so that you can muster up some strength to go ahead and keep going. Still let yourself do that without feeling guilty about it. Everybody's journey is gonna look different. Everyone's needs along the journey are going to be different. And a lot of times, circumstances uh surrounding your journey are going to be different as well. And we have to take all of those things into account. While you are letting go of that guilt and making sure that you're prioritizing yourself so that you are able to continue growing and communicating in the best way that you can during this season or during this time, I would encourage you to be confident. Even if you were confident in right now, I'm lost. That's something to be confident in. Even being able to just put your finger on it that you know what? Right now, because of the loss I've experienced, I'm rebuilding, but I'm I'm lost right now. I'm rebuilding, and I don't know what direction I'm going to go in right now. I still need some time. I gotta think about it because I'm figuring things out. Because I'm taking what I have and the cards that I was dealt, and I'm evolving and continuing to become a newer version of myself and to address everything else in life. I'm not supposed to say life be life and because I heard last week, someone near and dear to me told me that when you say that life is life in, that's you being in agreement with the chaos of life. So we'll just say when you are continuing to adult in the time continuum, make sure that you're confident in each step that you're at. Being able to just own a lack of confidence, that is something to be confident in. Because you are aware of yourself. You're aware of how you're feeling. You're aware of the places where you do need some help. You're aware of the places where you can allow someone else to operate in their gift and be a blessing in your life. You don't have to do it all yourself. You don't have to do it all alone. So while we're looking at ways to be confident, you can also turn your attention toward rebuilding the confidence that you had in your previous self before the loss. And you can look at ways for how you will build that confidence in the new you that is emerging from this healing journey that you're on and this rebuilding journey. Confidence could look different for you in this next season. Confidence could present differently. Because again, you won't be. A part of that confidence that you had before your loss, what did that confidence look like? With your loss being applied to the confidence you previously had, is confidence one of those areas where things are going to look a little bit different? Do you feel more confident because of the things that you learned during your loss? Are you neutral? Because just right now, you aren't worried about confidence at all. Being confident is on a back burner for right now. You're more focused on healing. Or does rebuilding confidence for you look like, hmm, there are areas where I'm no longer afraid, areas where I have to show up, areas where this wasn't my responsibility before, but now it is. Give yourself permission to make sure that you aren't being performative, trying to bring back that old self, that old you, when in the present, that's not what's serving you. And also it's causing you to show up inauthentic around the people that you care about. I know for some stuff, we're supposed to fake it until we make it, whatever, whatever. When you are in safe environments and in safe spaces with safe people, make sure that you aren't so focused on making other people uncomfortable that you're like, oh, I gotta pretend like I'm the same way that I was before. Because honestly, people that really do care about you and they're used to you showing up as your authentic self, they're gonna know that you just putting on for them, that you just putting on an act, that you're just showing up pretending to be okay because that's what you're quote unquote supposed to do. And when you really think about it, who said that's what you're supposed to do? Usually that's one of those things that it is self-imposed. That you're supposed to still show up as the life of the party. You're supposed to still show up with all the energy. You're supposed to still show up as the same person that you were before the loss, acting like or pretending like it never happened, so that everybody can have a good time. That's not fair to you, and that's also not fair to the people around you. Because people that truly care for you, they're going to feel the type of way about you hurting, and that's kind of you shutting them out. If you're going to keep showing up as a performance of your previous self, they know that you're not okay. They know that things are going to be different. And the people that truly care about you, the people that love you, they are going to honor that as well. And it's it's okay. So make sure that in being real and being all the way one though with the people that surround you and the people that uplift you, the people that care about you. Make sure that you allow for those people to go ahead and be there for you. Especially if you're one of those people that you always there for everybody else, and you've always been there for everybody else. Don't make them have to talk to you a little bit rough and get on your head. Y'all know when I be talking about talking to y'all, I be talking about me. There's been a couple of friends that they like, hey girl, hold on. You about to let me do this for you. You know how you've held me down. And I'm like, oh, well, I never thought about it like that. I gotta eat my own cooking, y'all. I told you coaches need coaches, and sometimes even I need the reminder that it's okay to let other people be your hammock. Let other people be your bra. Let them support you. It's okay for you to take a step back and to, what do we say, allow other people to be a blessing to you? Allow other people to operate in their gift. It's okay if right now your gifts aren't showing up the way that they used to. It's okay if you weren't able to operate in your gifts the way that you previously were able to. Right now, it might be time for you to let other people's gifts shine. Let other people be that blessing for you. Without you having to worry about, well, when I show up in this place, when I show up in this room, when I show up in this space, what can I give? What can I give? What can I give? It might be time for you to just show up in the space and just exist so that other people have the space to give and you be the one to receive. That doesn't mean that you're coming into a place being a taker. That just means you're human and right now you need it. So make sure that you don't put a whole bunch and too much effort into performing who you used to be. Because the simplicity of it is you're not right now, and that's okay. And the person that you're becoming, the person that you're rebuilding, this new you that you're reintroducing to everyone. Allow them to show up just as authentic as you used to show up. And so even though it looks different, when you're showing up authentically, that's the part of the OU that you're letting shine through. And that's the most important part. And if you feel like you aren't able to, I would encourage you to look at your circle, know who you're around. And if you don't feel like those are safe people or a safe environment for you to show up authentically when you are in your rebuilding phase, everybody can't go. And I would encourage you to examine those relationships and why you aren't able to be safe in those spaces, in those rooms with those people and in those places. So you're not lost. And even if you are, that is just a part of you becoming as you are rebuilding after loss. So thank you guys for tuning in on another happy. And make sure that if something in the episode, it sounds like something that you need to pass along, you need to help out the homie. Make sure that you share the link. Go ahead and like, subscribe. And as always, if you have any questions, comments, concerns, you know the comments right below. And you can always DM me if you need to talk to me offline. And we will see you guys next week. Thank you for showing up for another Everybody Can't Go combo. Good night.