Ep. 102: It wasn’t your fault but…

There are times when we make a mistake, and then there are times when we or our patients are just unlucky.

If the consequences of that bad luck are negative, for example, if you did a procedure and there was a complication, then it’s NORMAL that we have a reaction to it.

If you have a great fear of anything going wrong, or you’re in the midst of one of those situations, then listen to this episode for a way to get through it with the least amount of anxiety and beating yourself over the head for no reason.

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The Overwhelmed Vet Podcast 🐾🩺 by Gunila Pedersen

Transcript

Gunila Pedersen: Hi, how are you doing? I, I was just coaching one of my clients this week about, it was not even making a mistake, it was a post-op complication that had happened, and she was actually beating herself up a lot about how she was dealing with it, because, we coached on it, no? And, we'd been coaching quite a while together, she's just doing, like, maintenance coaching now, and when something happens, and she was beating herself up, because she's like, oh, you know, I shouldn't be… handling it, that is, and I feel like I should get over it, kind of thing, no? So I do want to talk about this, that when something happens, and it's not even a mistake we did.

It's like, not like last week when I accidentally gave metacromide instead of giving ondansetron, or, you know, mistakes like that, but literally, you know, you've done an operation, and then there's an infection, or, you know, some stitches come out, or there's an adverse reaction to medication, or something is going on that… when you look back, it's not like… you can't say you specifically did something wrong.

But you did something, and now the consequences are that the animal is worse off, whatever it was. And… even… I mean, if we were robots, like I said to my client, you're not Buddha, right? So you're not a robot. It's not that easy when something like this happened, like, I did something, and now the animal suffers more because of what I did, or it's not any better because of what I did. Even if I didn't do anything wrong, it still messes with our heads, and it still makes us feel like… like, shit, basically, and we can't help but feeling guilty.

I guess that's a bit like… if you are, like, you're driving normal speed on the road, and then a person or an animal runs out in front of you, and you do not have time to brake, and something terrible happens to them. It's not your fault, because it's not like you were driving recklessly, or drunk, or something, or didn't stop when you had to stop, and they didn't go out, like, in a pedestrian crossing. It was literally not your fault, but it still happened. You did it, and what something you did had a consequence that affected some others in a bad way, you know?

And when this happens, of course, we're gonna be in a better mess of a mess about it, because we're still human. And… there's the guilt for, I took this action, it had this consequence, but we have to remember that even if we feel guilty, it's not actually we've done something wrong, and that can really mess up with our brains and keep us in that spin of, what did I, like, I did this wrong, or what did… I should have done something differently and keep us back into that.

So if that happened to you, then I really want to recommend that you do the evaluation process. So my client did this, and she evaluated and found a few things that maybe were not the cause of what happened, but they could be improved in the future. Which is great, right, for all the future patients.

But do the evaluation, like, really sit down and write down what… when your brain keeps doing, oh, you could have done this better, or you should have done this instead. And then you write it down, and you actually, like, no, like, say, for example, when I did a C-section, a while ago, and then the dog came back, and my colleague just mentioned, oh, you know, your C-section did last night, came back in the evening and pulled the stitches out. And straight away, my brain was like, oh my god, you know, I didn't tie the nuts properly, I used a wrong suture, I did, like, I did something wrong, no?

And they looked through, when they opened and had to research the animal, they were like, oh, you haven't actually done anything wrong, we can see what's happened, and it snapped. And then we were just going over, could I use some different sutures, maybe? And since then, I tend to do not so much continuous, I do more, like, interrupted sutures in between, because I just don't want it to happen again. But I hadn't actually done anything wrong.

So then when you either sit down and discuss it with a colleague, or you do the evaluation yourself, and you need to write these things down, because otherwise your brain will just keep you in that loop, right? So, once you're ruled out, you haven't actually made a mistake, you have actually done everything right, and your brain is still keeping you, you know, on that loop, you might notice that you want to avoid doing this procedure, or similar things in the near future, because your brain will… will just, like, not so subtly push you away from doing it, because you don't want this thing to happen again.

And even if you know it's not your fault, and maybe the client hasn't even complained or anything, you might want to avoid seeing that client, or if it's a home visit, you don't want to go there again, because now, like, you feel like you've done something bad. And… and it's a normal process, because I think if we did something… I mean, it wouldn't be right, right?

If you're, like, driving on the road, you're going normal speed, it's not your fault, and then, I don't know, a pram comes out of nowhere, a kid runs out, and you kill a child, like, even if it's not your fault, you would still… you would, like, you would be a really weird person if you didn't feel bad about it, right? Like, you're going, oh, if I hadn't driven off, if this, like, the mom had just grabbed it, like, your brain is still gonna try and deny that this happened, and wanna go back to the time before it happens, so you can change it, right?

So, that is normal. Something horrible happens, even though it's not your fault, your brain is still gonna try and find a way to problem-solve for this by going back in time, and I want you to acknowledge that when you, spinning out over things that haven't gone like they should, that this is… a normal, caring human brain, and we all become vets because we really care.

And you know, do you know, like, this comes up all the time. When I suggest… I ask, like, maybe AI about, like, how would you… how would you do this, like, sequence email or something? And I just, like, ask it to do a structure, or I see it, and then I don't use what I write, like, I have to use my own words, but, like, I see anything or any article, it does, like, it's not that you care, it's that you… it's not that you don't care. Care, you care too much, like, this, like, care word is just, like, AI, I cannot, I cannot with this word.

But it's true that we became vets because we care, right? We do care. We care about the animals, we care to a certain extent for the people that… that are in charge, you know, their families. We care about our colleagues, we care about… we care, like, we are carers, it's like… it's like this gene in us that we have to care for other people, and that's why we came vets, right? So it wouldn't be normal that if I did something, and a consequence of that is someone suffers, it would not be normal if I wasn't affected by it.

But I really, really want you to understand that just because you are affected by it, and just because you feel guilty, and just because you feel there was something else you could or should have done, it doesn't mean that you have done anything wrong, or anything has gone wrong, if you know what I mean. So it's not like, just because you have that… you know that dreaded feeling you get in your stomach? So let's say you… you'd done a C-section, you'd done a bit spay, and now there's, like, an infection, or the stitches came out, or something like this, and it was just really complicated, and you're like, oh my god, you know, even if you haven't done anything wrong.

And next time you have to go in and do that, you're gonna get that dread, you're in the operation, you're like, this is not gonna happen to me again. You know, like me, a thousand stitches whenever I do a C-section on my nurses, and I'm like, are you nearly done yet? Can I turn them off the gas? I'm like, no, just one more stitch. You know, but I don't feel that dread, right? But for sure, when something has just happened, and then you have to do that procedure again. That dread you're feeling in your stomach, that is normal, because your brain is gonna want to stop you from doing anything that's gonna make you feel this guilt and this discomfort again.

So I really want you to realize that there's a big difference from you feeling discomfort to… you have done something wrong. Although it feels wrong in your body, it doesn't mean that you have clinically, technically done anything wrong. It's just that feeling.

And that's why I love, like, my new word, metacognition, from Brenda Brown. The metacognition, which is being aware of what is going on in my brain, no? And I was just, exchanging emails with my clients, and I was like, where are you with this? And just asking a question. She's like, oh, I'm really annoyed, because I just noticed that I avoid going to this place now. And I avoided doing this procedure, and I noticed that I haven't really confronted it, and I'm like, but that right there is metacognition.

I said, you're doing the work, this is it, I'm not asking you to be Buddha. Just go, like, it's fine, the animal suffered, who cares? It wasn't my fault, right? I'm like, I'm asking you to be aware of what's going on inside you, so at least then you can then decide, like, okay, I realize I'm avoiding doing this procedure. And I don't want to stop doing it, because first of all, like, we have to, like, we have to spay these bitches, right? So, you want to get back in the game, you don't want to avoid it, but it's okay that you do it for a little while.

It's okay that you just give your nervous system a bit of time to calm down. It's okay that you need a little more time going in. It's okay that you need that little bit more of… an extra, I don't know, experienced nursing with you to just, like, double-check with you. It's okay if you ask a colleague to just check the stitches, if that was the issue, a couple of times, just to let yourself get through this, but I want you to be aware of what you're doing and why you're doing it all the time, because that will prevent you from that… the endless spin, right? You can have a bit of spin, but not the endless spin and the 2AM spin in your brain.

And also that you don't start, like… what our brains do is, I feel guilty, and then brain is like, what other times have we felt guilty? That were all these other times we did things wrong. Like, my brain will go all the way back to when I was in med school, like, what, 22, 24 years ago? And do you remember when you gave that 10 times overdose to this methadone, to this yorki that had a broken scapula like that? I will never forget that, right? But my brain would want to take me back to all those mistakes I made in the past.

Right? And that sensation, that dread that comes into your body when you make a mistake, or that dread, in this case, my client's body, when she's learned that this animal had had, an infection after a procedure, you know, this is, like, this, like, you know, heaviness in your stomach, and you, like, you feel your chest is constricted, and your throat is constricted, and then you sometimes… I break into, like, a cold sweat, you know, I can just feel my heart, like, pumping up here in my throat, and…

It's a normal reaction, because your brain is realizing, I did an action, and the action… produce this consequence, and this is an undesired consequence that will have consequences on the animal, on the owners, or maybe also consequences of what people think of me. Am I colleagues gonna suspect that I did it wrong? Will I have to prove myself? How can I prove it? What are my notes? You know, your brain just starts going at 1,000 per hour, and it's completely normal. And like I said, you would probably be a psychopath if you didn't have this reaction.

But you need to recognize what is happening, and you need to know that it's normal, and you need to be able to process these feelings. So go back to, episode 83, where I teach you how to process the feelings, and you might have to do this again and again. So my clients, my client had realized that she was holding that emotion in, that the dread, you know, and the tightness in your chest, and your stomach, and you're throwing, like, closing up. She was doing that, and she was like, okay, it helps when I breathe through it, and then you feel a bit better, but then your brain will then try and go back into that pattern again of, like, oh my god, and maybe I should have, and then you need to do it again.

The thing is, you get better and better at it, like, I… I still get it, and this is what I want you to know as well, like, it's not like… this work of metacognition, and knowing what you're doing, and all this is just like, oh, it's done now. It's like, oh, now I learned how to do a bed space, and now I don't have to study it again. It's not like that with our brains, unfortunately, and especially veterinary brains that are so fucking brilliant, and will always be resolving for things, and looking for problems, and looking for solutions. It is always gonna be… super busy, like, trying to make you better, and trying to protect you from failure, and trying to, you know, do all these things, no?

So it's a work in progress, but there's hope for us, because… I used to carry these things on for weeks, even months, and that was what made me burn out, because the, like, between many other things, but, like, the accumulus of these things, one case on top of the other, that… where I never really worked through it, and I never really knew why I was feeling so bad, and I just assumed I was feeling back because I sucked, right? That's not great.

So if you can have that metacognition and realize this is… this is okay, I'm… I notice, I'm trying… I'm avoiding this procedure now. I notice whenever I go into this room, I get a bit triggered. I notice now if I see that client on the street, I run to the other side, because I don't want to see them, because I don't want them to, like… say something to me, and then I get triggered again, right? It's fine to do that, but just be aware of it, like, be super conscious, and here comes this… another word that AI loves, which is, like, mindful. Be mindful about it, but it is true. We are being mindful of what's going on in our brains.

And then… let me just stretch for this one. There's the other big concept here. Which is, how good are we at having compassion for others, and this is the example I will always use with my clients, which is, like, right, so you… okay, so you fucked up, you messed this up, or you did this thing, or you think you did. If it was your friend, your colleague, that did it, what would you say to them?

Oh, and then suddenly the picture changes, because I can totally tell my friend or my colleague that this happens to all of us, and don't worry about it, and you know, I'm here for you, blah blah blah. But then it's ourselves, we're like, you lousy bitch, you just suck, right? And we're, like, whipping ourselves up for being such useless bites, no.

And I want you to know that if you don't practice out, like, self-compassion. And I know it's always, again, another word, I'm, like, using all these, like, words I don't like using, but it's self-compassion, which is having… compassion and understanding for yourself, apply it to yourself where you would apply it for others, and when you have that compassion for yourself, like, I notice, like, my brain is, again, spinning. Oh, I notice again that I'm avoiding this procedure. I notice again that I get really, like, nervous around these things, and I shouldn't, like.

Notice this, and have compassion for yourself. Having compassion for your human brain, have compassion for your human emotions that are completely normal, and give yourself that… bit of space, and a bit of, I don't know, like, give yourself a hug. You know, give yourself some compassion for being human, for not being, like, just Buddha sitting on a question, being like, nothing bothers me, and I can just accept everything as it is, because it's really hard, and the stuff we deal with is really hard, there's a lot of emotions going on, the consequences of our actions always, like, impact living beings that are loved by other living beings, so it's completely normal that, you know, that we get affected by it.

But if you can't practice that compassion for yourself, you also… you really, you're really in a great danger of, struggling with having compassion for others. Like, it starts with yourself, here we go, Men in the mirror. I just saw the film Michael yesterday, Michael Jackson, oh my god, have you not watched it, if you had… have any love for his music. The story, I just, like, I swear to God, it finished, and I thought it was only an hour into the movie, and it was, like, 2 hours and 10 minutes. So good. Really, really, really good movie. Oh my god, like, Bruce and I just sat, like, with tears in our eyes. It was like… so good.

Why did I say that? Yeah, because he sings man in the mirror. It starts with a man in the mirror. It starts with yourself. You want to be able to practice compassion on yourself when you mess up, or when you didn't mess up, but something just happened. You're out of your control, but you don't like what happened. Because… just beating yourself up, it's just gonna make you feel so much worse, it's gonna scare you so much more, it's gonna make you so much more triggered when this happens in the future, and you're not gonna improve, you're not gonna be able to evaluate neutrally and say, okay, so next time I might use these sutures, or next time I might give antibiotics if such and such, you know? You can't do that, because your brain is just like, oh my god, you suck, and you can't do anything right, no?

So… post-up complication, any complication from something you did when it's not your fault, you didn't make a mistake, but you don't like the consequences. Evaluate neutrally, so you can prove to yourself you didn't actually do anything wrong, don't let your brain bullshit you.

Practice self-compassion, give yourself some space, give yourself some grace, that's the word I was looking for. Give yourself some grace, just like you would. How would I speak to… how would I think about a colleague that this has happened to? And notice the difference, right? Like, have that compassion for yourself.

And practice the metacognition, so journal on it, write it down, talk it through with a colleague. Practice, like, in episode 83, where I teach you how to feel into the emotions. Name the emotions. Oh my god, I'm feeling shame. I don't even know why I'm feeling shame, because I haven't done anything wrong, but I'm feeling it. That's why I'm right now with this, and this is just what's happening. Oh my god, I noticed that I'm really avoiding this thing. Oh my god, I'm really noticing that I don't want to go in there when people that know what happened are there, because they might think XYZ said about me, or I notice I'm obsessing over this now, where normally I wouldn't.

And also, that's… I guess the fourth thing would be… that… it passes with time, like, you let time pass, and if you just… learn to lean into it a bit and give yourself some grace, it will pass and you won't feel so horrible. Like, day one, day two, the first week. It's hard when this happens, and it's completely normal, and it's not that, again, like, you were acting normally, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, although it feels wrong, notice that. And then by week 2, week 3, it starts, like, becoming a, okay, this is something that happened, and I dealt with it, no?

So, I hope this is helpful. I really hope you can see what I mean. There was something else I wanted to say. Oh, yeah! So, yeah, so I have, in order to help you guys, because I know… I'm always trying to break this up for you in as many, like, easy… like, bite-sized pieces that you can go to and you can use on the go, right? But I realized, I also know that I say metacognition, you're like, oh my god, I need to read, like, I don't need to study psychology now. No, you don't. That it can be a bit overwhelming, no?

So… I've tried to break it down. When I… so when I burned out, I was going through a lot of things, no? Like, there was a whole time management thing, there was a whole, like, I suck because I am the worst vet in the world, there was a whole, starting to resent clients because I just couldn't anymore, so there was a lot of different components. And wherever stage you are in, even if you have a bit of everything, there'll probably be one thing that is burning you out more than anything.

So I have created a quiz, so my coach, Billy, my South Korean life coach who is also a tech quiz. He loves quizzes, and I was like, I'm gonna make a quiz. And I actually had this great idea to do a quest to try and find out, like, where are you on the burnout scale, and also what kind of burnout are you in if you are in burnout? Like, when one of the results comes out, you're, like, the fulfilled vet, which is what I am right now. I might not be next week, but who knows?

To where you are right now, and then, once you have your result, then I say, okay, so this is… these are the two things for you right now that I would focus on. So, I think the results are, like, you're either, like, the worried vet, which is typical, like, imposter syndrome and all that, you want to work on your confidence. There's the bored vet, which is, like, even… that is when you've just gone in completely into, like, apathy, which is also a sign of compassion fatigue, you know? Another thing, so you just don't feel fulfilled anymore, you don't feel motivated. And then there's the defensive vet, which is, like, when you're in fight and flight, and just all the clients, all the cases, everything just seemed like a threat to you.

And I know this is, like, very black and white, but this is just, like, the tendency we are towards. And then the fulfilled vet, which you might have some of these, but the majority of your answers show me that you feel motivated, you feel calm, you feel confident, and you actually love what you're doing, no?

So… what should I do? Let me put the link… the link was on my homepage, so Gunilallifecoach.com, but I'll link that in the show notes as well. And where I share this, like, on… if you're on my email list, then I'll send it to you as well, which you would know, because you would already have seen it. Anyway, just try and make it easier for you. So take the quiz, see where you're at, and then if you want more help with it, then you can just put your email in, and then I send you a PDF. I don't want… I couldn't, like, put all the info in, because it's, like, quite a lot of pages, and I'm trying to break it down.

So, like, you do the quiz, you find out what archetype vet you are right now, in this moment. You read a bit about it, and then if you… if it feels, like, relatable, if you're like, yeah, this is totally me, this is what I need, then you can then, like, put your email in, and then I send you a whole PDF with, like, just for where you are right now, right? And it could be that you take the quiz next month or next year, and then it's… you're at a different stage, no? But I had a lot of fun making it.

And I think it would be really good if you are struggling to know where… where to start right now. So do that, so try the quiz out, and also, like, again, feedback. I'd love feedback on the quiz, I'd love feedback on my episodes, just so I can see, you know, how I can help you guys best.

And I think that was it for now. So tomorrow, I have an interview with the other vets that does the same as me, but in the States, and it's just amazing as well, at Dr. Amber Park, so I'm really looking forward to that. So that'll probably be the next, next episode I will… I will upload. So, look forward to that. And that was all, love you all, have a great week, bye!