Dismissed True Stories
Dismissed True Stories is a survivor-led podcast that dares to break the silence around domestic violence, emotional abuse, and toxic relationships. Each episode shares the raw, unfiltered realities of what abuse really looks like. From overlooked red flags to moments of escape, and everything in between.
Created by a survivor-turned-advocate with a broadcasting background, DTS is where stories once silenced are now spoken. Loudly, honestly, and without apology. We’re not here to sensationalize abuse; we’re here to humanize survivors.
You’ll hear from survivors finding their voices, families forever changed by loss, and organizations working to support healing and recovery. Sometimes, it’s one survivor passing the mic to another with a piece of advice that could change or.. save a life.
But DTS isn’t just about telling stories of survival. Each episode's commentary helps you decode your own story, make sense of your experiences, and see the patterns you might have missed while in survival mode.
The tone? Like talking with a trusted friend. No fluff. Just truth.
Whether you're navigating narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, or coercive control or you're in the process of rebuilding your self-worth and healing your trauma this space is for you.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is finally tell your own story.
Survivor-led. Heart-led. Truth-led.
#DismissedTrueStories | A podcast for survivors and victims, by survivors.
Dismissed True Stories
You Choke On Food: Lauren's Story PT 2
Imagine walking through a storm, one where every thunderclap is a harsh word and every lightning strike a moment of fear. That's the reality Lauren bravely shares with us as she details her escape from the clutches of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse. Her voice is a soft yet unyielding force against the shadows of manipulation and isolation, painting a vivid picture of the power imbalances that can trap someone in a cycle of fear. In today's episode, Lauren's story isn't just heard; it resonates, echoing the struggles many face in silence.
Grappling with the legal system while nursing an aching heart is a battle Lauren knows all too well. She recounts the daunting process of obtaining a restraining order and the complexities of navigating through emotional turmoil and legal barriers. Through her journey, we're reminded of the insidious nature of abuse and the critical lifelines friends and support systems provide. Lauren's experience with the court's restraining order serves as an urgent call to action for a system that truly protects the abused. As we explore the intricacies of her story, we shed light on the psychological warfare that victims endure and the importance of standing by them.
This episode is a testament to the indomitable spirit of survivors. As Lauren meets another victim of her abuser, a spark of solidarity ignites, empowering her to confront painful truths. We share this moment of transformation, hoping to inspire those who are fighting similar battles. Remember, your experiences matter, your voice is powerful, and your mental health is paramount. Together, we stand with survivors of abuse, sharing their narratives to foster hope, healing, and change. Join us as we honor these stories of resilience and encourage a future where every survivor's voice is valued.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 OR text begin to 88788
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This episode of Dismissed True Stories is brought to you by Persephoneai. Persephoneai is an innovative and disruptive discreet app where you can more securely stash your evidence of abuse, make static notes, upload attachments, import audio-video files and even request transcription and language translation. Transcription and language translation. Then export your full evidence, report on your timeline, sos the police or even use it in court after your safe exit. You are not alone, and Persephone is here when you don't know who to tell. Find Persephoneai on Google Play or the App Store. In this episode, we will be hearing directly from a survivor as they recount their personal journey. Dismissed True Stories recognizes that discussion of abuse and trauma can evoke strong emotional responses and it may be triggering for some listeners. Listener discretion is advised. Hey, I'm Elissa and this is Dismissed True Stories the podcast. Hey, I'm Elissa and this is Dismissed True Stories the podcast.
Speaker 1:This podcast was born from the idea that when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a war reporter, in the sense that I just really wanted to talk about the things that matter in the world.
Speaker 1:And when I ended up walking away from my professional broadcasting career and into an abusive relationship, I realized that victims and survivors really do fight their own wars at home.
Speaker 1:I volunteer with a local domestic violence shelter in my city and as I was putting on a vigil for the lives lost to domestic violence last year, I stumbled upon a story that will forever stick with me.
Speaker 1:I did the research to find this victim's family, since she is no longer with us, and one sentence kept rattling around in my brain Let them tell their story. And while I haven't worked up the confidence to get in touch with her family just yet, I want this podcast to not only be about the survivors who lived and escaped, but the stories from the family members of victims who, unfortunately, are no longer with us. I sat on this idea for almost a year before I decided to randomly make a TikTok video asking for survivors to come forward and share their stories of survivorship, and what happened next was completely and totally unexpected. Women came forward sending me their stories of survival, telling me that they were so sick and tired of being quiet, because what happens so often is that survivors are silenced, people aren't ready or equipped to handle their truth or sometimes simply they just don't want to make the time. But now, on Dismissed True Stories, we're making the time.
Speaker 2:He was able to manipulate my anger and twist it in a way that that would end up hurting her and all my previous friends, because this is where he started to isolate me.
Speaker 1:Welcome back to episode five of Dismissed True Stories. This is Lauren's Story, part two. I'm your host, elissa, and today we're going to be digging into the back half of Lauren's story. You've heard me say before that I heard a survivor say, at an event that I was at, that there were pieces of her in my story and there were pieces of me in her story as well, meaning that she could understand and she could empathize and she could come and sit at the same level that I was at and truly see me, my trauma and what I have been through. And that's what I think about this episode today that truly every single victim or survivor is going to identify with this episode in some way, shape or form, because what Lauren has been through is very textbook for narcissistic abuse and domestic violence.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to talk about how terrifying stalking can be. We'll talk about how a piece of paper really does jack shit to protect a victim of domestic violence. We'll talk about possession and control, physical abuse and how important it is to help a survivor and victim understand that they are not alone. All of that and more on this episode of Dismissed True Stories. Let's talk about that. Tell me how he isolated you because it sounds like he used a lot of intimidation tactics.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah, he's six foot and so I'm five one, so there was not just the age gap that was intimidating, but his physical appearance is very intimidating, but yeah, no. So basically, there were a lot of threats made whenever I didn't want to do anything. Um, he when, when once she left and was out of the picture for good and he knew he had me, message all of my friends that I was friends with with her, all of them saying the most evil and disgusting things I have ever had to write, and I still, to this day, get emotional about it because it breaks my heart every time I have to think about it. Like he had me make her out to be a completely horrible person and that all my friends were horrible and that we were all drunks and that it just it. At the time I was so manipulated I couldn't see it and I thought, well, this is what he wants me to do for love reality. He was threatening me to say, like all these things, and if I didn't, then he was going to drive me out to the middle of nowhere and drop me off and have me walk home.
Speaker 2:And so, on one hand, I've got him going. Yeah, no, it's okay, like, get all these emotions out, write it all down. On the other hand of if you don't write it correctly, this is what's going to happen to you, and he would proofread everything. If it wasn't to his satisfaction, that would come up again, him dropping me off in the middle of nowhere. So I'd rewrite it, trying to get into his words. I would even ask him like what do you want me to write then? Like I'm trying to make you happy here, like what do I write? And he would tell me exactly what to write. And so, unfortunately, I was not strong enough to say no to him about that stuff, because, about that stuff, because I was scared but also very angry.
Speaker 1:Did he pick who you?
Speaker 2:would message Yep. Every man that was in our friend group, along with two or three of the females that I was friends with too.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's just pick this apart for a second, because this was extremely calculated on his part, because how did he pick up Lauren? He met her at a bar and swooped in when she was on a break with her ex-boyfriend. He made her believe that he was the safest shoulder to cry on and that they could be just friends, and yada, yada, yada. So he is projecting. He is scared that he is going to lose power and control over her, which is why he is picking who she has to message in this very vile and hurtful way, not only to her, but the friends that she will be messaging. He wants to make sure that she is isolated completely from anyone, including these two other female friends that are going to be supportive to her, to show her love and to almost be like a lighthouse, a way out of the abuse that he is inflicting on her. He wants to make sure that she is completely stuck.
Speaker 2:Yep, every man that was in our friend group, along with two or three of the females that I was friends with too, along with two or three of the females that I was friends with too. He knew the friend group Because come to find out later on he would watch me through the fence at the bar, because the bar that we would go to had a back patio area with a fire pit and you can easily look through the slots Easily, and so that's what he would do he would stalk. He would come to the bar on nights I was out and he would come watch me. And so that's what he would do he would stalk. He would come to the bar on nights I was out and he would come watch me and listen to my conversations and everything. And at one point he sent me a text of when my friend and I were still friends. He sent me a text saying who's the blonde boy in the picture that you just showed your friend? What are you guys giggling about and I freaking out like who is I? That's when I knew he was watching me and had people watching me at the same time.
Speaker 2:Um, so he would show up to the bar and watch the fence, and then he would have his friends watching me when I was inside the bar, and so I got to this day. I'm paranoid, more so because of that than anything else, because I had no clue until he gave himself away with it, and once I knew about that I knew like, okay, I'm being watched and I know it now so I can think about how I'm gonna act now. And before it gets back to him, I was like he would even tell me like how many beers I was allowed to have, and I would have to sneak a third beer, like in the bathroom. So that way he didn't know and pretend I only had like one or two. And so it because he would get reports back on how many beers I was drinking, who I was talking to, how long I would talk to them, especially if it was a male, like it was.
Speaker 1:I didn't know that till for a long time, and so, yeah, One in three women will report being stalked throughout their lifetime, and a study conducted by the National Institute of Justice has shown that intimate partner stalkers are more likely to physically assault their victim than any different type of stalker, and unfortunately, this is the most common form of stalking. And when a current partner stalks, it's all about power and control, because they're typically doing it out of jealousy and rage. Intimate partner stalkers are also so different from other types of stalkers because they are less likely to be stalking because of a mental disorder or a delusional state. Typically, the end goal for this type of stalking is to either harm the victim, control their life or eventually even unalive them. That is insane, I mean.
Speaker 1:Obviously this man is possessive, and possessive to the point. Let's list the things he's essayed you there's been intimidation tactics, mental, emotional, psychological abuse. He's stalked you and now we're leading up to when things really start to escalate. His possessiveness turns into physical abuse and you said the first time that this happened and the thing that set him off was because you smiled at your phone.
Speaker 2:Yes, so this took place in February of 2022 or 2023. Sorry. We were at the gym Planet Fitness. I had the black membership card and so I brought him in as a guest and we started doing workouts at night. I took evening classes that last until 10 o'clock at night, and so we would just go straight to the gym afterwards and meet up there.
Speaker 2:And at one point I had smiled at my phone because at that point he was calling me an alcoholic I drink too much liquor and all this stuff. And the song Villain Era popped on one of BookTok's songs and I smiled down at it because it was talking about when she gets some liquor in her system and I was giggling. I was like that's kind of funny. And he saw me smiling in the mirror and whipped around like who are you talking to? I showed. I was like no, it's a song, like I'm I'm smiling at the song and he had me open up my phone and he then proceeded to walk out of the gym and scroll through all my social apps and everything. He found a guy on Snapchat who I had just started talking to that day and blew up about it. Um, and we went into my car and he was talking about throwing my phone across the parking lot, smashing it. I was not allowed to leave. We had to go get cigarettes. All of a sudden I had to drive him places to get it, and then he has my phone still and walked to his car with it so that I was forced to get out and go into his car and with that, just transferred all the power that I had to him, in which he drove us around scaring the living daylights out of me, because this was, at this point, like 12, one o'clock at night. And so I was like, okay, I gotta get home soon. Like I can't be out all night. I've got my family's car with me, like I gotta, gotta go soon. And so he was like all right, we're gonna make this really quick. Then you're going to delete all the men off your phone, all the pictures with your former best friend, um, so many things like phone numbers. I had to go through my contact list and he would scroll through and ask me who this was and who this was. Facebook only mail family numbers were allowed. Those were the only mails that were allowed.
Speaker 2:Snapchat pretty much had to delete that. Instagram had to delete accounts, which was heartbreaking because I had several horse accounts for my horse and so I had to try as fast as I could, screenshot, screen record all those posts and memories. I ended up having to delete those and I go through my entire Instagram followers and following all in one sit down and I had over a thousand followers and over like 5,000 following because it's Instagram and so I had to get through all that and delete like all the cowboys, all like actors, actresses, like whole nine yards. I had to even go through like accounts that I had no clue were following me because I was a public account at that point and I had to go through and block people that were men, that were men, and so that was rough but it wasn't as bad until I had to go through the pictures and at that point he was so pissed off and frustrated and it was like three o'clock in the morning that he said just delete your entire camera roll. And I was like I can't, like I've got my horse's pictures, my final moments with my horse and years of footage. I can't delete it. And he ended up making me delete it still and I wasn't able to recover those pictures to this day, unfortunately. But when I start, he let me go. Though after that he did say he was gonna smash my phone. I was like you can't do that, it's my dad's phone, it's a felony. Like you don't need that on your record. Like, just give me back my phone, it's gonna be okay. Like I'll finish this when I get home. He said absolutely do it, because I can't look at you. And I was like, okay, that's fine. And as I'm driving home, my mom texts me. She goes hey, are you okay? Where, where are you? And I just text back no, and I'll let you know when I get home. And so I got home and she's sitting on the couch waiting for me.
Speaker 2:The second I said no, she was like something happened, like something bad, because when our mutual friend and I went our separate ways, my mom, she told my mom I was dating him again, and my mom hates him with a passion, has always hated him and so she was very upset when she found out that I was dating him again, and rightfully so. And so when I finally texted, like, no, I'm not okay, she knew something happened. And so I got there, I explained to her everything that happened. I told her what happened and everything, and she was like, all right, you need to call the cops, we need to file a report. Like this is not okay, this is not normal, because it went from her barely speaking to me because of who I was dating to. You need to do this, this needs be done. And since this was before my best, my, our mutual friend, and I stopped being friends. I called her too, but I was like, hey, I was seeing him, been seeing him for some time again. Um, this is what happened tonight. I could really use you. And she came over and helped with me talking to the police.
Speaker 2:I had to submit a ton of evidence, all the screenshots of our texts of him threatening and everything Whole nine yards. So I had that all filled out and she stayed the night with me at my house because I was like, not okay. And so the next morning we went and got a restraining order against him at the district county courthouse, and that was, oh, that was my first time ever having to go into a courthouse for anything other than a speeding ticket, and so that was super intimidating and I had no clue what to expect. I knew that I had to dress nice and I was in my pajamas still, because I was still in shock of what happened. So we went out and went to Goodwill, I got myself some clothes and had to go up and testify my side of things and I couldn't hold it together very well in the courthouse.
Speaker 2:So the judge saw that I was clearly not okay and actually heard my story and was like, yeah, you get the temporary restraining order. Like this is it's obvious, you need it, because this guy, this guy double your age, did this to you. Like that's not okay. And I had requested that the county that he lives in because he lives in a different county than me or lived in every county to me. I had the had it requested that they tell me when they served him. So that way I knew we even called them to make sure that they would do it and they were like, yes, absolutely. And so he didn't get served for at least like three days after I got my temporary order, and the only way I know that is because he kept blowing my phone up until he got served and once he got served he stopped, kind of.
Speaker 1:You probably know far too well, if you've been in an abusive relationship, that they don't care about laws or rules. They're just going to come up with new, creative and crafty ways to get a hold of you. You'll see how he gets a hold of her again in just a few moments, but as it stands right now, the only thing that victims of stalking or domestic violence are told to do is to call 911 for immediate assistance, to alert others, to connect with an advocate, to document every incident, to end all contact, to take the threat seriously, to create a safety plan and even to prepare their children. That puts so much responsibility on the victim and absolutely none on the perpetrator of violence themselves.
Speaker 2:But then he was texting on the friend account and the friend account was really him and yeah, and so that was rough, that was yikes, yeah, no-transcript. Talking to me from what it seemed. From what it seemed, um, yeah, no. And so I reached out to him. I was like hey, like let's meet up and talk, like we, we just need to talk. So then I'll talk this through, like I'll explain my side, you explain your side. And so we did.
Speaker 2:And we met up on a road that's like between my house and his house, although he lived like 15 miles away from me, and so we moved out halfway and he was all sketchy, like in a hood, pulled up, like scared to go in the car, whatnot. And I was like hey, like it's okay, like you're safe in here, like even when the headlights would go past us, he would duck down, like this is you're really paranoid. But okay, buddy, um, and so we talked and we're like, okay, like how do we want to do this? Like I don't want to have this restraining order on you, but like I don't know what to do. I've never done this. And he's like well, you can either not show up to court for the second hearing, or you can have it dismissed, or we can actually do it like battle it out and you just let me win. And so for me, going into that meeting or that second hearing for the year-long one, because that the temporary was for two weeks and then, once the two weeks was up, that's when you had your second hearing for the year-long uh protection order and I got there.
Speaker 2:At that point we we had been talking and FaceTiming constantly and when I got there he wasn't allowed to look at me or anything Like. We had to keep things separated and whatnot. And so finally, when it was our turn to go up, I just asked the judge to dismiss it. I was like I just want to dismiss it, like. And she asked she's like well, if you want to, it's optional, you can say why. I was like I just want to dismiss it, like. And she asked you like well, if you want to, it's optional, you can say why. I was like no comment, because I didn't even know what to say. Like, yeah, that was wild. And looking back now I'm frustrated with myself, but I also understand. I just did not have the support to deal with what I was dealing with whatsoever. None of us expected him to be the way that. He is a complete psycho. And so once that hearing got, we just left right afterwards and went on a date together and for like the first week things were okay afterwards and then things got even worse.
Speaker 1:Things were good for about a week. That's because they were in the calm stage of the cycle of abuse. He was able to gaslight, manipulate her into believing that what she had done was wrong, even though she had enough evidence to possibly receive a year-long restraining order against him. He was able to manipulate her into believing that the judges, the police officer, her mother and even her own intuition were wrong in the case against him. The four stages in the cycle of abuse are called tension, incident, reconciliation and calm. They're in the very last stage right now, and it doesn't take long for the tension to build.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because after it about I want to say like two weeks after is when my mutual friend and I went our separate ways and so it was just him and I was completely isolated. I had no friends. And then one of my other best friends I had she lived across the country for me, we had been friends for three years. At that point, or almost three years, I was scrolling on Facebook and noticed that she commented on my ex-friend's Facebook post and he saw over my shoulder and so he's like that's not okay, you can't be friends with her anymore. And I was just like I just got caught, like what the fuck just happened? Like okay, what do I need to do to fix this Cause? I don't need you to get angry at me about this. And so he had me message her and word for word was just like you're disowned. If you want to be a snake, go be a snake. And he had me type that up, send it and block Him, and I he would call me an alcoholic, but then would make sure I got completely trashed on the weekends just with him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he would have me get super dressed up and an outfit I would never wear because I'm a blue jeans, my cowboy boots, my flannel like that's how I normally wore like a graphic t-shirt with my my trucker hat on, and he would have me in these knee-high black boots with heels and black leggings and a black shirt or a pink shirt or a green one, like do my hair up and be like complete full face makeup, and that I don't do that as much anymore. Um, it takes a lot of time and I, when I come home from the bar, I don't want to spend all that time taking the makeup off. I'm ready to just lay down in my bed and go to sleep. And so I completely got. I changed completely.
Speaker 2:Once I was isolated. I would just be doing all that stuff and then would go out to the bars with him and have a few drinks, but then would get home and then wake up suddenly in the morning and not know what happened and so and it's not, I haven't been able to prove it yet didn't suspect anything besides possibly him putting things in my drink at the bars, because if I was an alcoholic, then I was going from like having to be able to have multiple beers a night. I wasn't even making my minimum amount of drinks and I would wake up the next morning like what happened, like I don't even remember, like laying down in bed at all, and so that started happening. And then, in May of 2023, was the first time he put hands on me.
Speaker 1:Was this another like phone related incident? You guys were in a vehicle together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so this wasn't phone related. We had actually gone out to the bars and were drinking a bit. And some of his old MC buddies came to the bar that we were at and so they started taking shots. And I was like, well, if he's taking shots, cause we both agree, like we drink what we each like, if I'm having a beer, he's having a beer. If he has a shot, then I have a shot, like we make it, so it's equal and we drink. Um, so that way there's no arguing about who drank more and whatnot, cause he would always argue about that. And so him and his buddies were taking shots. I was like, okay, he's taking a shot, like it's clearly okay for me to take a shot. And so I had my lemon drop shot that was my go-to at the time and had that and was getting pretty buzzed, pretty tipsy At this point the drinks are flowing.
Speaker 1:Lauren says that everyone is pretty much tipsy at the table. It's at this point that one of her ex's friends looks at her and says hey, you're really tiny. How much do you weigh? She responds by saying I don't know. It's not really a priority of mine to weigh myself. In which the friend says can I pick you up?
Speaker 2:Lauren feels uncomfortable and confused and eventually says okay, but that ends up being a decision that will cost her so he picks me up and I look over and he's pissed, like it was like prior, to, like once he asked me that question. I looked over at him and I thought I saw him like going like this, like yes, it's okay, like things are cool because they're his buddies, like when me and my friends. If anyone asked me about my friends, I completely, 100%, trust them with my life and I would trust them with all my other friends' lives. But if he asked me if something and they look at you and say yes, I'm going to take them at their word. And so that's what I did with him and let him pick me up and he got pissed. He stormed into the bar and I like grabbed his arm. I was like, hey, like talk to, like what's going on, a little bit buzz, tipsy, and he goes we're done, we're done. Like no, we're done. I was like, what do you mean? We're done? Like you drove me here, like what's going on? And he's like no, we're done, you let him pick you up. I was like, okay, we're done, I guess. And so I started, I left and started walking home and which he blew my phone. I was like, get your ass back here. You need to get back to this bar. You're embarrassing me. I was like I got pissed. I was so upset. I was like you told me we're done and now I have to come back to you. Looking back now, that was a total control move on his part. I have to applaud him on that one.
Speaker 2:That one was just, I did not see that coming at all until now nowadays. And like when I do look back and so, yeah, he got me to go back to the bar and we went and left his house, or left the bar, and we're driving back to his house, when we were arguing about him breaking up with me and like I, I got a little loud. I guess I sometimes I don't understand how loud my voice goes, and so, um, especially when, like I'm nervous or anxious or anything like that, like I get a higher pitch and so, um, basically we were just arguing about it and he was like you never should have let him pick you up like this. It should have been a no brainer for you. Um, why would you do that? Like we're done because of it. That's like cheating on me. And I was. I was like we're not done like that. That's that's not cheating, like that's not what that was. I looked at you and you said yes and that's. I took you at your word and whatnot.
Speaker 2:And he got very pissed off and to the point where he ended up. We were like on the side street of his house and he yanked the car over, went in parking that had grabbed me by the throat and shoved me against the window. So a little passenger seat so shoved me against the window and I hit my head really hard on the glass and at that point I just started panicking because I was married prior years and years and years ago and I had trauma when it comes to people driving me because my ex-husband would stand on the brakes and go, stand on the brakes and go, and so fast forward to now he would do that and then him screeching to a halt and grabbing me and trying to choke me out, and so I started just clawing at him, slapping him, just trying to get him off of me and when he finally does, I slink down to like the floorboard and I'm rocking myself and just like freaking out, in which his response was get up, get up, get up now. Because I was trying to scream when he had my his hand on my throat originally and apparently I was yelling just like while rocking, and then he got me by my arms squeezed and pulled me back into the same fortunate seat to look at him, in which I started screaming don't touch me. And I don't remember seeing his face or anything for like a solid minute because I was just screaming don't touch, seeing his face or anything for like a solid minute Because I was just screaming don't touch me.
Speaker 2:And it got to the point where he was just like trying to calm me down and, like I know, the panic and pure fear in my eyes was showing Because he looked panicked afterwards and unfortunately he had picked me up by the arms hard enough that I had bruises for weeks and he, even after the incident, tried to gaslight me into thinking it was my fault and that it didn't actually happen like I. He was like why are you freaking out so much? I was like you just choked me out. He's like no, I didn't, you're not. That's not what happened. Like I was like then what happened? What happened to what you? Yes.
Speaker 1:At this point, of course, I interrupt her and I remind her that you choke on food and that what he did was strangle her, and strangulation can go down in the same kind of category as attempted M-U-R-D-e-r, and you've heard me say it before. But when strangulation is introduced into your intimate partner relationship, you are then 750 percent more likely to then be unalived. He strangled you yeah, he did.
Speaker 2:Unfortunately, at the time I let him gaslight me into thinking that it was a one-time thing and that he has never done that with any of his exes, he's never laid hands on any other girls, and he apologized and he chomped about me even more to him with that, because he, he did the hurt, he did the pain, and then he was the source of comfort afterwards because I didn't know what else to do at that point I was. I was stuck with him completely isolated, isolated and just, and for me, like because that was in May, I didn't fully leave him until like the end of June.
Speaker 1:While we're here, I just want to point out that when she says that he was the one who comforted her, afterwards, that is the reconciliation part of the cycle of abuse. He is going to let this tension build, there's going to be an eruption and then afterward he is going to be the one there to pick up the pieces because he's isolated her from everybody else. But listen to how a victim of violence will talk themselves into the fact that it wasn't actually that bad. This is one of the answers to why does she stay?
Speaker 2:Because I at the time I was isolated and my first thought was, well, he didn't punch me, he didn't mess my face up. Yeah, he strangled me like there weren't bruises left on my neck, although I am fairly certain to this day. I had a concussion afterwards because operating motor vehicle, trying to walk, do anything that involved my brain. I had a headache, it was. I got dizzy very often for the first week afterwards and then after a week I was, but and I've had concussions before that I knew enough where. I was like, okay, I might need to get checked out, but I think I'm okay. Um, but I just let him and myself, or let him gaslight me to the point where I started gaslighting myself. I'm just like it's not that bad, like a lot of women have it worse than me and it's kind of like I drove myself to stay because of that. I was like, well, it could be a lot worse and, yeah, did not have the resources or the friends to help be like no, it's not okay.
Speaker 1:Like so what changed from that particular incident in the car to where, a month later, you finally walk away for good?
Speaker 2:The day that he actually of the car incident, he introduced me to one of his exes. Love her to death. She's my best friend, big sis, to this day. They had dated over five years ago. Day they had dated over five years ago and she got back in contact with him about something, because she was moving and needed help moving. And so that day him and I went out and helped her move into her little studio and I met her for the first time and she was like, if you need a girl to talk to, to hang out with, let me know, because it was a month before he was about to go into prison.
Speaker 1:She drops this little tidbit of information about him going to prison. However, she doesn't really know the true reason that he is going, because this man is a master manipulator. He has convinced her that every single charge that he has had up to this point is complete bogus.
Speaker 2:And so he was like I want you to have someone out here to help you, so because, while I'm gone. And so he introduced me to her and she's in her 40s now, but, like she, whenever we had a moment alone away from him, she's like are you okay? I was like, yeah, what do you mean? Yeah, I'm totally okay. And she's like, no, I need like, are you okay? Like, has he done anything? And she's like, no, I need like, are you okay? Like, has he done anything? And I was like, um, no, I don't know what you're talking about, cause I didn't know if she was going to report it back to him everything that I said. And so I was like, no, everything's happy, go lucky. Yep, we're great. Long live death. And so it wasn't until um his court hearing um for his service, for service for his um booking and whatnot.
Speaker 1:She picked me. This is when you found out what his charges were right yes, this is yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she was. She picked me up from work and drove me to the courthouse alone. So I finally, like she's like, are you okay? Like, is everything okay? I was like, if I tell you something, are you gonna tell him? He's like, no, she was like, no, absolutely not. Like, absolutely not. And I was like.
Speaker 2:He put hands on me last month after I met you for the first time, and she looked at me. I started bawling. I was like I'm so sorry, like I didn't. He told me he changed and I wanted to believe him. And then she said he did that to me too, though, so you're not alone. And when she said that like you're not alone, I just broke down completely, like I was. That was the first time I was like, maybe I'm actually not alone, maybe I'm not crazy, like, and so once we got to his hearing, that's when I found out about the charges and I was like, okay, now I'm really not crazy. Like, those charges are there for a reason.
Speaker 2:And it got to the point where, like, finally he went to prison and, like, in the beginning he was fine with us being friends, but she was telling me about all the other women that he was like bragging about how he had been with while he was dating me. So I started getting like the suspicion, so like, okay, push away from him like a little bit more now getting more facts. I was like I just need to see the proof, like as long as I can see it, and see the writing, like everything like that I'll be done. I just my brain needs to work that way, cause I will. I keep giving someone a chance until I really can't give them a chance anymore. And so, yeah, I one day got the phone is and started messaging all the girls I had suspicions of and cause he had proposed to me over the phone, over the prison phone, and I was like, okay, I can't, like I can't say no, because if I say no then he's gonna know something's up, he's gonna know I'm gonna leave, which then it's gonna make a bigger problem for me.
Speaker 2:And so I was like I said yes to him. I still feel dirty about it. He was like he got so giddy about it and like I was like, okay, now I really have to text those girls and find out what the heck is going on. And so I did, and three of them came back. We're like, yes, like we did.
Speaker 2:One of the girls was so shocked by it because she started dating him the same time that him and I started dating, dating him the same time that him and I started dating, and she got all the good, beautiful, like romantic stuff, because she has kids too, and so he had his little fake family down there, fake relationship with me up here, and like she got everything good and sweet and kind from him, whereas I got all the negative, the abuse, abuse, all the crap.
Speaker 2:And so when I texted her and I texted her, I texted another girl and another girl and then, like a couple other girls and three of them came back and one of them was his ex that sent him to prison, and I asked her I was like, did he put hands on you too? And she said yes, yes, he did. And I am her. I was like, did he put hands on you too? And she said yes, yes, he did. And I am so sorry that he did with you because at the time he was taking testosterone with her, because he was a huge gym rat, and so she thought it was just the testosterone and steroids and whatnot that he was taking from the gym and she's like I can no longer say. It was because of that, it is because of who he is as a person. That's why he did it.
Speaker 1:Abuse is abuse, even if they didn't mean to, if they had a bad day, if they're sad, if they're angry, if they're your family, if they think you deserve it, if they accuse you for it, if they're older than you or even if they didn't know any better, abuse is still abuse. Matter Abuse is still abuse, and they made the decision to abuse you. It is so important to have another person who helps you believe and see that you're not crazy. It is so important to help survivors know that they are not alone. That little sentence right there you are not alone is one of the most healing things that you can say to a victim of abuse. For another survivor or a victim who would listen to your story and really resonate with it, what advice would you give them?
Speaker 2:You're not crazy, no matter how they make you think, and the moments where you feel the most like you, when you're alone. If you get the chance to be alone, or don't try to think that it's nothing, because it is something, no matter what it is, even if it's just an unkind word, well, that may not be a punch to the face. It's still a punch to your mental health, which is a punch nonetheless, and so don't don't let yourself think that it's too little or insignificant. Nothing's too little or insignificant. Nothing's too little or insignificant.
Speaker 1:Listen to your own voice. It deserves to be heard.
Speaker 2:Your gut knows Yep.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you so much for sharing your experiences and being brave and being the lighthouse for other victims who are looking to leave and other survivors who are trying to heal. I appreciate you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely yeah, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1:Hey, I'm Alyssa, the host of Dismissed True Stories, and if you like what you heard today, give me a five-star rating and hit that notification bell, because I do upload every Friday. If you are a survivor or you know someone who this podcast episode may resonate with, I ask that you share this with them. There is nothing quite like helping a survivor or a victim of abuse feel seen and heard and validated. It is extremely healing and helpful to the journey and the process after abuse. If you are a survivor and you're ready to share your truth, please follow me on my socials. I've included them in the footer of this episode. Send me your story, the Cliff Notes version, and I will get back with you. And, as always, thank you so much for being here. The world is truly a better place because you are in it. Thank you.
