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Cuckooed: Sophie's Story PT 1

• The Survivor Sisterhood • Season 2 • Episode 4

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Sophie shares her powerful journey of surviving domestic abuse during pregnancy and the complex manipulation tactics her abuser used to maintain control.

• Met her abuser at college when she was 15 and he was 19, but didn't begin relationship until she was 23
• Reconnected through Facebook during lockdown where he used love bombing tactics to win her trust
• Relationship moved quickly from messaging to him moving into her apartment without actually being invited (cuckooing)
• Became pregnant within two weeks of him staying with her, potentially through reproductive coercion
• Experienced financial abuse when he used her cards without permission and took money for drugs
• Forced to walk three miles to work while pregnant when he would take her car
• Suffered physical violence at seven months pregnant that left her unconscious
• Faced gaslighting that made her question whether the abuse had actually happened
• Identified the cycle of abuse: tension building, incident, reconciliation, and honeymoon phase

If you're ready to share your survivor story, contact DismissTrueStories@TheSurvivorSisterhood.com. Part 2 of Sophie's story will be released next Friday.

Follow Sophie on Insta @theisnothealthy_


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Speaker 1:

are you ready? I'm ready. Okay, let's do the dang thing, okay. So, sophie, first things first. Um, I guess I would want to introduce you to the listeners by saying that you and I have had a friendship for nearly a year now. You've been there since basically the beginning of my journey. We found each other on Instagram.

Speaker 2:

It's like you and I just started talking via voice messages and then it was it was like oh my god, I love her accent like things you say are different to what I say, so we learn different, like we do learn yeah yeah, um, I don't know, it's just so adorable.

Speaker 1:

I love talking to you, not just because of your accent, but because you're a survivor as well and we relate to each other on on many different aspects of life, and you are here to share a little bit about your story. Let's walk the listener through where you met, how your relationship started, like how old were you? Was there an age gap in any way? Whatever you're comfortable with yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 2:

Um, we met at college and he was 19 and I was 15 originally, but I didn't get with him till I was 23 19, you were 15 in college.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I was like I didn't. I didn't know this about you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so you leave school when you're like 15, here 16, and then you go to college, and I was two months off, 16, and he was 19. But I met him at college but didn't get with him until I was 23.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so how does your school system work in the UK? So?

Speaker 2:

we actually do so. Some schools are different, but, like my schooling, schooling was I went from four to eleven at primary school, so first school and then from eleven to fifteen it's your second school and then it's college. But yeah, what I know, I know. But do you like go ahead? Yeah, but some people have it where they'll stay on for an extra, like year or two, and they call that six, four, so that's 15 to 17. But my school didn't do that, so I just literally was dropped into college at 15 yeah, that is something normal too, like everyone, yeah, but yeah, it is in some ways.

Speaker 2:

But the thing was obviously I was with like him. He was 19 and then I was with people that are like a lot younger. Does that make sense? So like. So I was like, I was like with ones at my age and I was with ones that were older.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, and where exactly are you? Do you feel comfortable sharing where you're from in the UK?

Speaker 2:

um. So yeah, I'll say like the southwest, because it's like, yeah, okay, just for anyone listening like. Sometimes I'm like oh I think that people identify and um, I guess a little shameless plug yes, below Bristol, so there's like London, and then there's below London, there's Bristol.

Speaker 1:

That's the best way to sort of describe it okay, yeah, well, thank you for sharing that in the UK actually, um, they are, I guess, number three in my listening demographic. It goes, uh, the United States, thailand and then the UK. Um, so you've got, you've got some survivor sisters over there. Um, I hope they are able to like reach out to you. We'll leave, like your hand, your social media handles, if you're comfortable with that like in the show notes?

Speaker 2:

yeah, I didn't know. Thailand, that's really interesting as well.

Speaker 1:

Yeah um yeah, uh, bangkok actually. Um yeah, that's really interesting. I didn't know't know that I didn't expect it coming from the United States. I definitely didn't expect it, but I'm happy that I'm able to reach survivors globally.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's amazing, it's freaking cool, it's amazing.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so you had to go to school at 15. You met him in college, but you didn't get with him until he was 23.

Speaker 2:

No, I was 23, so he'd have been 24, 27, 28.

Speaker 1:

Okay, okay, I feel like that's kind of like a normal age gap. Yeah, but were you guys friends before? Like how did this?

Speaker 2:

so, um, we were like we didn't speak all the time. Occasionally we spoke, um, and it would be through facebook, which is probably like the worst in some ways, social media, but the best in other ways, if that makes sense. As you know, um, you can hide a lot of things. You can be anyone on social media.

Speaker 1:

It's surprisingly easy to hide who you really are in a long distance relationship, and abusers they know that when someone isn't physically close, they only can see what you choose to show them right. And it's that distance that gives abusers the time to curate a version of themselves that feels romantic, attentive and even safe, even when that is so far from the truth. This is especially dangerous to victims that emotional intimacy builds quickly through phone calls, texts and video chats and then, before you know it, you're invested in someone that you haven't even really gotten the chance to like quote unquote know. The space between you creates this illusion of safety, while behind the scenes they're busy testing your boundaries or watching how much control they can actually get away with. So that's why it's so important to pay attention to your intuition even really early on, because if something feels off, girl, you better listen.

Speaker 2:

But yeah, we like basically message still through there, but it was very sporadic and I didn't think of that as a bad thing. Like I was going through stuff, I was learning. I was obviously going through relationships myself, learning to grow as a woman yourself. And then, when I was 23, I decided to go back on Facebook because I hadn't been on it in ages and I saw he had messaged me like four or five months before and I felt really bad because I hadn't replied. So I replied and that is how it started. Basically, yes, I was like I'm sorry. I came off Facebook and I like felt really bad. I just felt bad because I was like, oh, someone must have missed me. Essentially, I felt like I was obviously yeah, yeah, yeah, and unfortunately I was a people pleaser. I still like it, but not as bad as I used to be. Classic people pleaser. Oh my gosh, I've done something bad. I need to go and respond to it, if that makes sense, sort of thing.

Speaker 1:

So how quickly you have told me before that your relationship moved pretty quickly, like we really relate, really, really yeah yeah, so, um, I obviously, like I've processed it more since we've, like last, properly done a podcast and stuff.

Speaker 2:

I think more because I've listened to other survivors, I heard the stories and stuff that I realized what it's like, um, but yeah, it was during lockdown, um, I was working crazy hours and I started messaging him um, constantly. It was like constantly if I was at work he'd be rep replying, replying, replying. But I didn't take that as a bad thing at the time. I was taking that as, oh, you know, he wants to speak to me, but he was finding out, basically non-intentionally, I was giving him a Bible of what I wanted in a relationship, but I wasn't knowing I was doing that. But, classic me, I sort of started saying what I wanted, what I didn't want, and obviously he took that and gave me what I wanted, if that makes sense, via messages.

Speaker 1:

One of the most overlooked tactics abusers use, especially in the beginning, is something that I like to call the chameleon effect. It's where they study you, your values, your insecurities, your past, the things that you've told them in moments of vulnerability, like what hurt you, what you've always wanted, what your ex never did for you, and then, almost instantly, they become the person that you've been searching for and it feels like fate, like finally somebody gets me. But in reality they're just mirroring you to gain your trust and to hook you in.

Speaker 2:

I've looked back at some of the messages recently that I actually used to save on my phone to send to him, because he was living in a different country at the time so I had to do time zone things. So I used to write down a message before I sent it to him and I didn't realize I still had it on my notes and I was like, oh my gosh, I would really love bombing. Like really, you could tell how much it was from that start, if that makes sense, like what I was saying back, but yes, I'd like that. And then there was bad, bad points, but I didn't see that at the time, if that makes sense. So I was having already jealousy.

Speaker 2:

He was in a different country and he I remember this very clearly that he'd messaged me to say, um, that he was going to speak to me and he didn't. So I was like this is a bit weird. Waited a few hours, had no reply. So I thought, oh, I'll message his friend, like you know just what you do, like you're a bit worried about someone. Yeah, and um, he straight away got a reply back within 10 minutes, him saying, um, why have you contacted my friend? Are you seeing him? I was like, um, what like not normal? That was not normal in any way, shape or form, but I was again working loads, I was doing things, so I wasn't focused solely on the negatives, if that makes sense. And unfortunately it was lockdown, you know. And then he came up with the whole my ex cheated on me. So I'm really sorry, I'm paranoid.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, everyone uses that globally.

Speaker 2:

Like everyone just uses that.

Speaker 1:

I've heard it. Every single person says it now, every person yeah and um. I was like oh.

Speaker 2:

I'm really sorry I know that now, but 23 year old me was like oh gosh, she's gone through some stuff and I've been through stuff. So maybe we relate in a sort of no, we didn't in any way kind of like drama bonding a little bit and I stupidly said about like my past and stuff, and I basically gave him everything to use against me, if that makes sense and they don't forget it.

Speaker 2:

Oh no, they remember that from like five years ago, but they can't remember the, you know, the basic stuff. They do like remember the really random stuff, don't they? It's weird.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, these crumbs of care are part of the control that an abuser exhibits. They give you just enough attention to keep you hooked and just enough effort to make you question whether or not they really meant to hurt you. Or maybe you're just asking for too much. That's the battle that goes on in your head. But let's be clear Forgetting your birthday isn't about memory. For them, it's about priorities, and when someone only shows up in ways that look thoughtful but consistently miss what actually matters to you, that's emotional neglect.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah, I remembered that part, but like, yeah, then it got to. He decided to come back to this country and it literally was within three days of him coming back here I went to meet him and it literally was within three days of him coming back here, I went to meet him. Bear in mind, I went to meet him and this is how it started is I went and drove like an hour and a half way to go meet him and it became I went to meet him literally three times a week, driving after work whenever.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, because you were doing the work, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Mm, hmm, mm, hmm, I was. But obviously he was like oh yeah, I'm working, I'm this, I'm that as they do, um, and yeah, and I then got a flat not long after I already had a house and I moved and everything oh, a flat like an apartment yeah, like an apartment.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I was thinking a tire like you're still talking about driving to go get him lots of different things, isn't it okay, yeah?

Speaker 2:

so I had like a big house. It was quite a big house, um, but I couldn't. It was too overpriced. So I got like an apartment and it was top floor, like right right up the top, and so you had nice views and everything really nice. Um, obviously meant for me. But uh, it turned into he came to stay um and he didn't leave, as, as it happens, which is cuckooing, it's cuckooing, but I didn't know that at the time, sort of thing. So he came first, like one night.

Speaker 1:

She says cuckooing, and I 'd never really heard of this term used in a domestic violence context, so I had to look it up. And originally it's a term used to describe when someone takes over another person's home, but it's often used in criminal exploitation. But in abusive relationships cuckooing can look like this they move slowly into your life without asking. At first it could be like a toothbrush left at your place, then clothes, then they're staying the night, every night, and then, before you know what's happening, your home isn't yours anymore. Your safe place becomes their territory, and the scariest part is that you never actually said yes to any of it. And it can feel like love at first, like commitment and closeness, but what it really is is control.

Speaker 2:

Then I took him back and then it turned to he had to move out because he couldn't live with this person. But I went to collect him and it was really weird when I went to collect him but I didn't see the red flags. So he was living with a friend who was a guy.

Speaker 1:

It was a guy which, yeah but um, yeah, so that's layered was a guy like, not a guy anymore you hear this stuff like and people like oh yeah, it's gonna be a girl, it's gonna be.

Speaker 2:

Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2:

it was actually oh, okay, okay it wasn't any relationship there, but it was really weird. He was like quick, get my stuff in the car. I was like what? He was like put all my stuff in your car quickly. And I was like this is a bit weird. Um, we started going. He's like yeah, I haven't told him I'm leaving. And I was like what? And he was like well, I've just had enough of living with him, so I'm just leaving. I was like, okay, yeah, okay. I was like, okay, this is a bit weird. Anyway, he came to stay with me, told me he had somewhere else to stay and that he was going to move in somewhere else to stay. And he was going to move in, um, and within two weeks I was pregnant. Two weeks, two weeks, wow, wow. So that's like three months from when he came back. So you can see how quick, very quick, um.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so there's a term here um in the US, or maybe like specifically in Michigan, I don't know um, but I've heard this term numerous times called anchor babying um where you know they. They get you pregnant on purpose to kind of like lock you down yeah um, do you feel like that's kind of what happened and like you can? You can skip that question because I know we're being sensitive about our children, but I understand like you get it.

Speaker 2:

We've both got children and we get that um and he's the best thing. That's like my child's the best thing, absolutely yeah. But yeah, it was um, and I know it was and he'll always deny it. Because he got angry one day and my child was like four months old and he said, well, he said something about like my Clue app and he was like, well, if it wasn't for that, we wouldn't have our son. And I was like, what's he on about? And I went through my Clue app and the day I fell pregnant was my ovulation day and I reckon he'd gone through my app.

Speaker 1:

So your Clue app is like your cycle tracker? Yes, it's an app you can get.

Speaker 2:

You might be able to get it in America. It's amazing, really good because it is quite accurate, but it tells you when you're going to feel mood swings or stuff like that.

Speaker 1:

And I used to really document it. For those here in the US it's 28. I use 28. I love it.

Speaker 2:

It's great, yeah, ignore the brand name there.

Speaker 2:

That's what it is, that's this. That's not what I use. Um, yeah, so um, but yeah, that's what. I think that is insane, I know, but it's hard to tell people that and I don't want to tell people that at the same time, but I think I should. I get it because do you know what I mean? That it's a real thing. People that, and I don't want to tell people that at the same time, but I think I should. I get it because do you know what I mean? That happens, it's a real thing and it happens to you. It happens, and I've spoken to police officers since who've said about it and said this is so common and it's so common.

Speaker 1:

This part gives me chills because it's something that most people never talk about unless they've lived it. But some abusers will get you pregnant on purpose, and it's not out of love, it's not out of even wanting a family, but they use it as a way to trap you. Fancy is a strategy for some abusers. It's a permanent tie to that person, a way to make it harder for you to leave, harder for you to rebuild and harder for you to ever fully disconnect. And then, if you leave, they use that child as a weapon to control your schedule, your finances, your location and your emotional well-being. Your location and your emotional well-being.

Speaker 2:

This is reproductive abuse and it is very real and um, as a woman, you don't expect that like, do you? You know?

Speaker 1:

but um I know, especially as a people pleaser too, like you want to believe the best in people.

Speaker 2:

you, you really do, but I was like, well, I guess this is meant to be then that sort of thing. But I remember going through those processes. I'm pregnant, because it wasn't what was my intention, if that makes sense. I was so young and naive that I was like, oh, I'm going to be 30 and married and have this magical life and have this huge career before I have children and it sort of changed the whole perspective. But for me, I've had the best possible outcome from having my child. Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't be who I am, I wouldn't be able to be here. But yeah, that definitely happened.

Speaker 1:

I agree, my, my son. My son keeps me grounded and I learn something new from him. I swear every single day and I'm a better person because of him for sure.

Speaker 2:

Unfortunately, you've gone through the bad stuff, but you've got the best possible thing. It's like a little gift that sounds really horrible but I think it is.

Speaker 1:

No, I love that. I love that. Okay, so walk me through. When you found out you were pregnant, did you get support from him or from his family, or how was that?

Speaker 2:

We'll get to that.

Speaker 2:

But no, I remember I found out, I did the test and I was like maybe it's wrong, maybe it's wrong. So I went on voice note to my friend and I walked up the road and I said to her I'm pregnant. I was like, what am I even saying? Like, what am I saying? And her conversation with me was like, are you going to get rid of it? Like, literally, because you know, this is all really fast and weird and not normal.

Speaker 2:

And it felt like it was for me because it was, um, it didn't feel right, um, I didn't think I could have another, like, have a child, like that and everything else, um.

Speaker 2:

But yeah, I then took a pregnancy test the next day, um, a proper one, because I didn't trust it, um, and I remember going in to get one and I felt really nervous and the woman looking at me like you haven't planned that, you haven't planned that, and I could see it in her eyes and I was like, oh gosh, just give me the thing I want to get out of here. Um, and uh, he actually swore and went F, you've ruined my life. And I was like what? What? Yeah, um. But it was like two weeks after I got pregnant and, um, I thought that it's like, oh, he doesn't want me to have a baby, you know sort of thing. So in my mind for the next week I started processing I'm gonna have to have an abortion, I'm gonna. You know, that's, that's what my process went to, um, which I'm very grateful. In the UK we have that still, but you know.

Speaker 2:

I'm not happy about where it, where it is in the rest of the world. But that was what my process was. Yeah, but I decided to keep him and, like, I obviously decided to keep baby, and I told him I was and everything else, and he said, oh yeah, we'll be fine and everything else, and he started being all like supportive in that way. Yeah, but there was a part of me that always went back to the way he reacted. That was like what.

Speaker 1:

I was like what you know what I mean. I mean it doesn't. It doesn't matter how much love bombing they do. After the fact, those negative things really do sit with you for a very long time, like even long into survivorship, like, yeah, those things are stains on your perception of yourself.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, definitely, and it definitely it changed how my perspective was for my pregnancy as well. Like, do you know what I mean? I felt like I was going to be, like I didn't know I was going to be alone, but I felt very alone in that moment because I, the one person who you'd expect to be like oh my, you've seen those videos online where they're like, oh, my goodness, we can have a baby and you're like saying this to the person like I'm pregnant and the reaction is, if you've ruined my life is like all right, thanks right, because you played a like you were 50% of that you know, and then like yeah, um.

Speaker 2:

So yeah, it was like a bit bit of it's something that always I remember, if that makes it right you said you always go back to non-intentional, but you do right?

Speaker 1:

um, yeah, so I know that, statistically, the abuse normally will start to ramp up during pregnancy. Is that something that you experienced as well? Yeah, this part is difficult for me to speak on. I've been stumbling over my words so I'm going to try to slow down so I can convey this to you correctly. But for many women many women pregnancy is not a time of celebration. It becomes a literal war zone, and that's because one in six women say that their abuse began for the first time ever during their pregnancy, and for many, if they were already experiencing abuse before they got pregnant. It escalates a lot of the times, especially so in the second and third trimester, and even according to the CDC, homicide is one of the leading causes of death for pregnant and postpartum women here in the US, and it's most often at the hands of a current or former partner.

Speaker 2:

So it started off with, obviously, and I was there panicking now because I'm the sole earner, I'm the one that's working all these crazy hours. I had that two weeks off and I ended up getting pregnant in two weeks and I'm like, ah, and I remember him. He'd already done this, but he had used my card to buy my own birthday presents with it, with the condition he was going to pay me back. Right, don't look at me like that I wasn't looking at you.

Speaker 1:

I think that was. I was just like oh gosh, I know, and it wasn't you at you, I think that was.

Speaker 2:

I was just like oh gosh, I know, it wasn't you, it's him it's just like I know a lot of the times when I listen to everyone's stories, like the fire that I feel in my gut, yeah, oh, but it started like with that and then, unfortunately, he was addicted to weed and he'd use my card and, without my knowledge, sometimes had taken the money out and it would be 50 quid at a time. It's not like a little bit, it was 50 quid, that's like a lot of money.

Speaker 1:

That's $50 over there, isn't it Like yeah, yeah, a lot of money, in case you were interested, like like me, to know what the conversion is from a quid to at least a US dollar. It's about 66 to 67 dollars that he was taking out of her account at a time.

Speaker 2:

It's not a little bit, it's not like you know, tiny little like cents you'd call it that like it's not that, it's like a huge amount and I'm and I'm there, obviously working and not knowing this is all kind of happening. So it gets to the January um. So like I'm about two months pregnant and I decide to leave um, like my job, and get a different job. So I get a different job, which is less money, but it means like I'll be more stressless, everything else. He's there, like, bear in mind, promising me he's going to get this job. He's going to get this job and it gets to. He's going to start this job and I have to pay for him to do the training, for the course for him to do this job.

Speaker 2:

And I did. I know, I know it's stupid, whatever else, but it went from that to everything that he wanted. I was the one that was meant to provide it. If he didn't have money, if he needed it, I was the one, if that makes sense. It was like my money was not my money, um, but this money was like I wasn't noticing it because he was using my other card, so I had loads. I didn't have loads of cards, but I had, like my main debit I think that's what you call it there like your main card, and then obviously I had savings and yeah, I was panicking, because pregnant is not the best situation anyway, but all of this, he got a job. And then it got to. He needed my car to go to work and he'd take my car without my permission sometimes, or he'd make me walk three miles to work and three miles back.

Speaker 2:

He made you walk when you were pregnant yeah, and this is like five o'clock in the morning, I had to walk through a town, yeah, and it gets scarier because I like, when I'm about five months pregnant, um, I had walked. This doesn't normally happen in the UK. I had walked, um, it was caught on CCTV. I had walked one minute before someone had driven a car for a department store and I walked one minute before that. Well, I was pregnant. Past that shot, I know, I know, like I have, I have goosebumps right now.

Speaker 2:

That is insane, I know and I was like, but he didn't bat an eyelid when I told him that I was like, like that could have been me, her or you know, and I'm, and I'm like what? This is weird at this point like there's lots of stuff like that that I look back and I'm like that's not how a normal relationship is. That's not normal. I've never like any other man or partner wouldn't want their pregnant partner to go through a town three miles, three miles back. And it wasn't just that I was carrying shopping, like big bags of shopping, sometimes back because he wouldn't let me have my car. So I'm carrying all this stuff back. It's crazy. It was crazy to look back on.

Speaker 2:

But he then started down the jealousy route then as well, because one of my managers offered to drop me home. He saw what I was doing, obviously completely appalled, and he lived around the corner from me and I was like, oh, it's okay, thank you. And I went and told him because you know, you do tell your partner, and he's like well, are you seeing him? And I was like what? And then he went is that my child? And I was like, are you being for real? Like, bear in mind, I didn't know this person at this point. Wow, I know, but there's stuff like that that looking back, I didn't see it. I didn't see those sort of things, because it's Rosie, like the tintedness, you get like one minute happiness. You know what I mean. You know what the cycle's like, the cycle of abuse.

Speaker 1:

Exactly. Okay, stick with me here because I am going to explain to you what the cycle of abuse looks like. A lot of the times there are victims who don't really know or realize that they're caught in this cycle, so maybe this will help you identify something in your own relationship. So the cycle of abuse it has four stages. Number one is tension building, and this is when things really start to feel off Like your abuser may become irritable, controlling, critical. You're walking on eggshells, you're trying to prevent the next blow up. And then number two is the incident. This is the explosion, the verbal, emotional, physical or even sexual abuse. It may be screaming, it could be hitting, it could be threats, accusations, even forced sex, and this is the moment that your body will go into survival mode. Then they switch up on you and they go into stage three of the cycle, which is reconciliation. This is the apology, the tears I'm going to get help. You know I didn't mean it, it's just because I love you so much. They may cry, promise change, shower you with affections, and you believe it because you want to believe it.

Speaker 1:

And then you move into number four, the honeymoon stage, and this is the calm, like you start to talk to yourself and say, maybe things are good again, like they're really good, they're being attentive right now, they're sweet, they're everything that they were in the very beginning of your relationship, and you think, oh, maybe it's really going to be different this time and you hold on to like that hope and those little crumbs of love that they're giving to you during this time.

Speaker 1:

And you hold on to like that hope and those little crumbs of love that they're giving to you during this time. But then the tension starts to build again and the cycle repeats and over time this honeymoon phase actually shrinks until eventually there is no calm, it's just chaos. But by then you're so in it, you're emotionally worn down, you're confused, you're isolated and you're unsure of how you can escape. It is designed to keep you stuck and you become addicted to it. Oh yeah, when you're happy with the little morsels of love or gratitude or passion or whatever that they show you that you're like oh okay, like I got some and it's like a dopamine hit.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and then you just, you know, repeat the cycle, because you're just constantly waiting for them to show you that you're worth it to them and also for me, I felt like, because I'd known him so long, I felt like I lost a friend, like every time, like do you know what I mean when you're like pulling away? You're like, oh, but they're kind of a friend at times, but they're not. They're like they've completely mirrored you, to the point that they know what's your tick points. It's like having a board with oh, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. They've learned it and it's crazy.

Speaker 2:

But you don't want that to be the fact, because you fall in love with this person or you're. It may not even be a romantic partner. It might be, you know, as we've seen, like fathers, you know mothers, whatever else. You want that person to be a part of your life, because you do, and that's fair enough. But they're not worth it, if that makes sense, because you're worth so much more. But you won't see that until the end. And that's the hardest part I think for me was realizing I'm worth more than questioning myself and being like this.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, I think it was Savannah last season told me that when she looks back at when she finally walked away, it was that she decided to love herself just 1% more. Oh just 1% more, and that 1% is what made the difference for her.

Speaker 1:

Oh that's a really cute saying. I really, I know, I really loved that. Go Savannah, go Savannah, that's really nice. Oh, that's nice, I like that. Um, so, how? How did things escalate from it? There was jealousy. There was, you know, a little bit of isolation, because you know he's taking your car. You can't go anywhere there was, I'm hearing so far, financial abuse.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

For sure, then it was making me late for midwife appointments. I was always late and they never picked up on it. I think they thought this was me at this point. But I remember this time that I'm like we need to go and he's there, like I need to gel my hair, I'm like I need to go to an appointment, and in the end we obviously went to the appointments and stuff and he did come with me, which was nice, but some of them he didn't because of working, which I don't know whether he was or not, do you know what I mean? But yeah, yeah, so that that that's what sort of happened then. Um, and then then it was I wanted to move to a bigger house, obviously, because I'm living at the point in a top floor apartment one bedroom, by the way, so it's like small um, and it actually said on my like agreement, I guess, like do you have like an agreement, like when you sign for a place, like an agreement? Yeah, like a lease.

Speaker 2:

We can't, yeah, yeah and it said no children allowed to be in this building. So I'm like, oh god, I really need to move because I don't want to be kicked out and be homeless with a baby. I'm like thinking in my mind, I'm thinking, the day I come home with this baby, it's gonna be taken like I'm gonna have to go somewhere. You know what I mean, because you want that security. So I'm like looking for houses and everything else and I found this house and this was the week before I had my son. So I had a week off for maternity and I actually had him early and I think it's because I did so much, I was doing so much by myself, but I didn't notice.

Speaker 2:

It Is I had. I literally went, went. I literally went on a bus because he took my car and it was a two-hour bus journey and it was like the hottest week. It was 32 degrees on this bus, bear in mind. I had no water with me. I was like feeling like I was gonna pass out. I got off the bus, my mum came and found me, luckily, and I went to see this whole house by myself and, um, I didn't get it but like he didn't, like he didn't want to be there sort of thing. It felt very much like he was there for the show or for telling people, but but when it came to actual things he wasn't there like the things you needed, like a support system, if that makes sense for an abuser image.

Speaker 1:

Everything. As long as the world will see them as kind and caring, it becomes so much easier to gaslight you into silence, and that's because they may show up to your doctor's appointments, rub your back in public, crack jokes with your friends and even compliment you in front of your family and these people, because this is what they're shown. They eat it up and they'll say things this is what they're shown. They eat it up and they'll say things like oh, you're so lucky, he's such a great guy. And that's because what they don't see is that other version of him, the one that comes out when you two are alone, the one that comes out behind closed doors. They use that public performance to make sure that no one believes you, the victim, when you finally decide to speak up.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but I've skipped a whole part there because at seven months pregnant he hurt me for the first time. But I didn't believe that, if that makes sense, because I was love-bombed and didn't believe it happened. So, yeah, it's, it's crazy. Well, do you feel comfortable talking?

Speaker 2:

about what happened about it absolutely because it's a. It's quite common in pregnancy, um, I've spoken to a few people that have had it since. So it's quite normal. Not normal, but in in terms of abuse statistically, yeah, um, but yeah, I was seven months pregnant. I had done a 12 hour shift, I think it's something like that crazy.

Speaker 2:

Um, and I come home and I thought, oh, he's gonna come and kiss me because he came towards me and he I remember him grabbing me by the neck and pushing me into the door. I was like okay, and then he twisted me around and hit my head on the headboard and that's all I remember. But like, I didn't know if this was like me thinking it or not. Do you know what I mean? But I woke up and it had been like two or three hours. I must have literally been passed out for two or three hours.

Speaker 2:

And he come into the bedroom. He's like hey, I've made dinner. And I'm like what? And he's like I've made dinner and I like what. And he's like I've made dinner and I'm there like what the hell just happened? Like I'm still in my work uniform at this point. I'm like what happened? He was like oh, you fell asleep and I'm like I'm pretty sure that didn't just happen, like I. Like I was so gaslit at this point that I was like I don't think it's happened, but I wanted to prove to myself in the future that I that that didn't happen right, so it gets even more insane. He then goes I think we need to go out for a drive and I'm thinking what the hell's happening and he goes and takes me for a drive two hours away, not like a little drive, a two-hour drive and he's like this is the same night, same night, like after okay, so this is like now at probably nine or ten at night.

Speaker 2:

He's like. So he's like oh, yeah, we're go for a drive. We went for a barbecue in the middle of nowhere, which was really weird, after he made food. Yeah, it's just weird. This is what was weird. I can't even remember what it was, but yeah, but I took a picture of myself deliberately and I've told people before and they're like oh, but there's no proof that he did anything. I took it because I didn't know if it was some weird dream or if it happened, because it was so gaslighting. Do you know what I mean? Did that happen? But it did. It definitely did. I just couldn't believe it and I didn't want to believe it. You don't want to believe it.

Speaker 1:

No, you really don't. And it's kind of like, especially in situations like that, because I also I know that I've never told my story and I've been asked to tell my story, but, um, just a side note, I'm working on remembering it. So, like you, there are things that are so hazy and fuzzy that I'm like did that really, did that really happen? Um, and I think it's just easier to say oh, no, it didn't. It's easier to gaslight yourself yeah into yeah, and I think it's just easier to say oh, no, it didn't.

Speaker 2:

It's easier to gaslight yourself into yeah, and I think for me my brain's like, yeah, you've had so much trauma. Just put that in a little box, leave it in a box, then we'll come back to it in about 10 years' time. In the most random place You'll be like, oh yeah, that happened. That seems to happen with me.

Speaker 1:

I'll be like somewhere, like a supermarket, like, oh yeah, that happened to me as well, didn't it? Yes, and why does it come back at at the worst times? And I feel like we're talking about PTSD? Because the further away that you remove yourself from your abuse, the safer you are going to feel on your healing journey, and then your brain is going to let you start remembering things, which is what I'm going through right now. Yeah and um, it's always so inconvenient because you're like I want to put the pieces of my own puzzle together, but, yeah, not right now it's never like when you're just about to like calm down.

Speaker 2:

it's like you're in the middle of something. You're like, really right now I've come to a realization. I don't want to process this, but it's right now. Okay, let's deal with this, apparently, but brain wants me to. So, yeah, it's a hard one with that one, but yeah, so, yeah, that's what happened during pregnancy.

Speaker 1:

He made her dinner, he took her to a barbecue, he smiled, he laughed, he played the role of a loving boyfriend, like he hadn't just tried to unalive her. This is not just manipulation. This is psychological warfare, because when an abuser flips the switch that fast from life-threatening violence to bliss, it messes with your reality. You start to wonder did that really happen? Was it that bad? If he's acting normal now, maybe I'm the one that's overreacting. You were just violently hurt and then somebody asked you to pretend as if it never happened. This is a form of gaslighting and it's designed to keep you silent and confused. The best example I can think of this is in the movie. It Ends With Us when Lily is pushed down the stairs by Ryle. She wakes up after the fact, disoriented, wondering what really happened, and Ryle is like you fell, you fell and what really? What you think you remember happening didn't really happen. Believe me, because I'm the one that is telling the truth. I'm the one that didn't pass out. I remember right. This is abuse.

Speaker 1:

Sitting here with Sophie's story has me feeling this fire in my soul. I'm angry for her. I'm angry for all of us that have to deal. I'm angry for all of us that have to deal with abuse, and if you're like me and this episode has brought up something for you, please take care of yourself, whether that means reaching out to a friend or being by yourself in some stillness, taking a walk in nature, journaling Just remember that you deserve that care. Okay, capisce, signaling. Just remember that you deserve that care. Okay, capisce. I also want to correct myself, because I think Sophie and I originally interviewed back in February and I had said, oh, I've never told my story. I have. Now we've. We've got over that hump for myself.

Speaker 1:

If you're interested in hearing my own personal story, it is the past two episodes on this podcast. It's part one and part two. Thug it out and, girl, you got to go. And if you're ready to share your story, my inbox is open DismissTrueStories at TheSurvivorSisterhoodcom. Dismisstruestories at TheSurvivorSisterhoodcom. If you're ready to share your truth, I'd be honored to help you tell it in your own words. Part 2 of Sophie's story is coming this following Friday, and thank you so much for listening to Dismiss True Stories. Until next time, keep healing, keep speaking and remember the world is a better place because you are in it.

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Elissa

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