Dismissed True Stories

Nobody Accidentally Downloads Tinder: Sophies Story PT 2

• The Survivor Sisterhood • Season 2 • Episode 5

Share episode

Send us a text

Sophie shares her harrowing journey through an abusive relationship, revealing how control intensified during pregnancy and after childbirth. Her powerful testimony illustrates the invisible wounds of psychological abuse and the strength it takes to reclaim freedom.

• Recounting labor and childbirth when her abuser refused to wake up, flirted with another woman, and abandoned her for hours
• Describing postpartum control including being forced to sleep on the couch with her newborn and maintain silence
• Explaining how she developed PTSD after a knife incident and couldn't use knives for a full year
• Discussing how trauma affects memory formation, causing fragmented recollection of abuse
• Detailing the cycle of leaving and returning, and how abusers often escalate after reconciliation
• Sharing how connecting with other survivors through the Survivor Sisterhood provided validation
• Highlighting how abusers' behavior is not excused by substance use
• Offering hope that freedom is possible with the message "one day you will feel the sun on your face again"

If you're ready to start your healing journey or need a safe place where your story is understood, join the Survivor Sisterhood, our private Facebook community built by survivors for survivors. The link to join is in the show notes.


National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 OR text begin to 88788

Join the Sisterhood! The Survivor Sisterhood

Come join our community of survivors who are looking to meet someone just like you! See the behind the scenes work that goes into the sisterhood non-profit business, discuss DTS episodes, and of course find your survivor sister.

🔗 Follow Along:

Ready to share your story? Send me an email with the main talking points of your experience and I'll reach out to book an interview.

dismissedtruestories@thesurvivorsisterhood.com

Give DTS a 5 star rating! It helps this podcast reach other victims and survivors who NEED these stories! Help us find each other, help us heal, and help us find safety. Love you, mean it.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to Dismissed True Stories. This week we're digging deeper into part two of Sophie's story. But before we begin I just want to say two things. One I see you with those five star reviews. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1:

When I first started this project, that's all I really wanted was to help other survivors feel validated and less alone and to help victims leave, and it really does mean so much that you're rating this podcast so highly. It's helping reach other survivors across the globe and that's huge, huge. Think of how that review could help another woman potentially save her own life, and it really is such a ripple effect. And number two in editing this, I realized that I truly am my mother's daughter. I sigh a lot and I think it's just a way that, like maybe I regulate myself when I'm hearing something that is stressful and a little overwhelming to me. So I noticed that. I just want to let you know. I'm sorry about that, but thanks, lori, so much for that characteristic of mine.

Speaker 1:

So last week on Dismissed True Stories, we began the powerful and heartbreaking story of Sophie, a survivor from the UK who bravely opened up about the hidden layers of her abusive relationship. She shared how it began, with long-distance charm, subtle control and love bombing, of course, how he mirrored her wants and needs so well that she felt like she found her perfect match. But underneath the charm was something far more dangerous. We talked about how he slowly took over her space without consent. How he used manipulation and gaslighting to keep her confused sound familiar manipulation and gaslighting to keep her confused, sound familiar. And how the cycle of abuse kept her stuck, even after terrifying moments like being strangled and then expected to go to a barbecue right after like nothing had happened.

Speaker 1:

And this week, in part two, we dig a little deeper. Part two we dig a little deeper. We're going to talk about how the abuse escalated, how it affected her sense of self and what it took to finally break free. Sophie's story is one that will stay with you, and I'm honored to hold space for her as she shares it. Let's get into it, okay, so walk me into what happened afterwards.

Speaker 2:

So I had my child, but it wasn't the nicest. I mean, it was better than some people's. But I went into labor at 1.30 in the morning and it took him till 4.30, 5 o'clock to wake up. I like went in. I was like I'm in labor. He was like go away, I've been to, went in and I was like I'm in labour. He was like go away, I've been to work today. I'm like I'm in labour. I'm literally in labour. At this point I'm in the top floor apartment. Still at this point I have not moved because I haven't been able to now and I'm like if I don't get out, I'm going to be having a baby in here. And I was feeling so alone. I genuinely just remember feeling just like that's that, like I'm going to be alone doing this. Do you know what I mean? And then he this definitely happened, but he always says it didn't.

Speaker 2:

But he took me to like what you call a gas station, yeah, and to get some gas for the car, yes. Of what you call I'm gonna try to do an american version now that's okay, because we have listeners in the uk. So what is it as well? So like we call it fuel, fuel and you put gas, so that's that.

Speaker 2:

And he went in there and he 110 was flirting with the woman behind the cashier, behind the counter, like in front of me, and he comes out and he sits next to me. He went oh, here, I got you some chocolate brownies. I'm like I'm in labor right now. I just want you to go in and get the fuel and go to the hospital. And I was like you were clearly talking to that woman and he was like, oh, don't be like that. And I'm like I just saw him. He was flirting because I knew that to look, because he did it with me. So I was like he's like completely trying to gaslight me in labor. That happened, um, but yeah, I go into labor and I have the first nurse. It's really lovely, like first midwife, really lovely. Then I get this next one who's on agency, and she's like you better be quite quick because I want to go home. I've got stuff to do and I'm like this is not happening.

Speaker 2:

So I'm happy. Like this is. I was like this is the worst kind of thing I could have. He's with me for a bit. He goes out the room and he says he's going to get coffee and in my mind it felt like an hour and I looked at this midwife and I said how long has he been gone? And she went an hour and a half. He'd been gone for an hour and I looked at this midwife and I said how long has he been gone? And she went an hour and a half. He'd been gone for an hour and a half. It felt like it and it was he come back and he went. Oh, I just got a coffee. He had no coffee in his hand.

Speaker 1:

He went and drank it somewhere else.

Speaker 2:

I don't know where he'd gone, I don't know, but he came back and I had my child. Within 20 minutes of having my child, he went. He literally was like I'm gonna go home and like I had an animal. So he said he was gonna check on it, um, and tidy up. That was what he said.

Speaker 2:

Um, he didn't come back for five and a half hours, um, and I've got these hospital people saying to me, like we need you to go because your bed's like pretty much you need to go, like you're fine to go home. So I'm thinking where is? He, comes and collects us, um, and he takes us back and I still remember this um, the house is a tip, like a proper, like it's not been cleaned, um, and there's washing up on the side and I thought you're joking. But you said, um, there you go, go and do the washing up. And he wasn't joking, he, he made me do the washing up and then he went. I'm going to bed now, um, don't wake me up.

Speaker 2:

And I honestly slept for about three, four months on a sofa, literally with a baby um in the living room. I wasn't meant to make noise or anything with this baby. Bear in mind, it's a baby. Um, because he was like always like I've got work and even when he didn't have work, it was I need to rest. Yeah, it was bad and I was not having any sleep. It also turned out my child was premature and they had got his weight wrong, so it gets worse. It was like.

Speaker 1:

it's like I felt very alone. What Sophie describes here is more than just disrespect. It's more than just being inconsiderate. This is abuse, and it's a type of abuse that many don't recognize until it's happening to them. Postpartum control. And just give me a second here. I know this is the first break of the episode, but I'm really going to get on my soapbox.

Speaker 1:

Okay, he took the time getting her to the hospital. He stopped for gas, he flirted with someone else in front of her while she was in labor and then left her alone while she was contracting, to quote unquote get coffee. This is not cluelessness. In this instance it's control. It's about saying, even in your most vulnerable moment, you are not my priority. And it doesn't stop once the baby is born.

Speaker 1:

The day that she got home from the hospital, bleeding and in pain and adjusting to life with a newborn, he made her clean the house. She wasn't allowed to sleep in the bed. She had to stay quiet. She had to sleep on the couch with a baby because he had to work. This is how abusers weaponize everyday life. They take the moment that should be sacred, like bringing a new life into the world. I'm sorry, you probably just heard my dog, jump off the couch and twist it into another way to assert power. And the worst part, so many survivors feel like they can't speak up because motherhood on itself is already exhausting and everyone around them is focused on the baby anyway. So if you're listening to this and this sounds familiar, if someone has made you feel small during one of the biggest transitions of your life, please know that you are not overreacting, you are not broken and you are absolutely not alone um, but yeah, it was quite hard because I felt like I was then parenting him as well as parenting a child, if that made sense.

Speaker 1:

As well as walking on eggshells. Yeah, I know that as well of trying to keep a child quiet as to not upset the person that you're with, yeah, and that is a terrifying position to be in.

Speaker 2:

Oh, it is because the like the wall for living room was there and then behind was the bedroom, so I'd be sat there like feeding this baby and I used to put american dad on because it's got like laughter so it'd go loud when he'd cry or moan or something and I'd be like thank god, and I remember that. That like, oh no, it's really horrible, isn't it?

Speaker 2:

but that's like it really is um, because you, you don't want that and you don't want them to come out and get angry with you or snap and also you're tired. It's just not a nice situation. But what's worse is that there was there's no one to talk to about that. When you first have a baby, they're like oh yeah, that's what happens when you first have a baby, like these sort of things. No, no, it's not. If you're oh yeah, that's what happens when you first have a baby, like these sort of things, no, no, it's not. If you're going through that, that's not normal and you need help. And you need to go to a midwife and say I need help because they shouldn't be like that. They're either your partner or they're not with you, and that's simple, as they either want to be the father or the partner of that child or they just want to be a single person. Let them be a single person, because you're better off being a single person, you will be.

Speaker 2:

You just don't know it at the moment. That's what I wish I could have said back to myself.

Speaker 1:

This, right here, is probably one of the hardest truths that survivors have to face is that sometimes the loneliest place that you can be is in a relationship with someone who is supposed to love you. You find yourself holding on so tightly, not just to this person that you love, but to the idea of who they could be, and it's devastating because you're giving everything to someone who keeps proving to you that they don't want to do life beside you, that they just want to control what life looks like for you.

Speaker 2:

I just had that. I had that whole thought I'm on my own. But I was on my own and I wish I could go back and say you're on your own now. There's no difference, it's just. You will be calm, you will be able to listen to birds outside. Open the windows like little things, You'll be able to let your child cry.

Speaker 1:

Yes, if you need to cry because they're hungry, cry because they're uncomfortable, cry because whatever, and I think that's part of like learning. Your child, too, is learning their different cries, and I just to speak on this for a second but that feeling that you have years later as your child grows and you reflect on your pregnancy and I know for some women pregnancy is really difficult and it's not something that they enjoy at all but there are certain things that you get from a partner from a healthy partner that you're like dang, I was really cheated out of so many experiences when I was pregnant that I definitely deserved and that's very depressing, I think, to think about. When you're like dang, like I love, I love my, my child so much and I just really wish that you know, when I was carrying he or she, that I could have really sat in the moment, in the miracle that is, you know, pregnancy, yeah, and you don't feel like you get that in an abusive relationship yeah, I really really relate to that definitely.

Speaker 2:

I think it's like other things. Like you know, I for me it was when you see people and they're like, oh, I can't wait, or like the dad's really thrilled and he's like, oh, I can't wait to put up the push chair or do the car or paint something or make the roof, like that sounds to anyone who's had a normal relationship. That's like, wow, that's normal. But that was something I never had and I really do feel that like I miss. I wish I'd had that. Like, oh, I can paint a room, oh, I can do whatever I want. But that was never like that and it was always you couldn't do it and you know it's. It feels horrible, but like I just hope, like our children learn from our experiences and they won't have that in their life. If that makes sense, I hope they all have. Like, if they ever choose to have children, I hope they have a normal pregnancy, whether they are, you know. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1:

like I really hope it's normal well, it really does end with us, because we're doing the education with our children, and I think it's just important to have conversations with your children about what a healthy relationship looks like, because when you think about your love compass, sometimes it really does need to be recalibrated and you need that example to look to or someone to just teach you, because when you think about it, at least like in American schools, I don't ever remember having any kind of conversation like that growing up, and I mean I didn't with my parents either. My parents never talked to me about what relationships should look like, and I think that it's really important and I know that you are doing the education in your home and I know that there are so many other survivors and even victims who I mean. Reading when Things Collapse by Imogene Rowan. You just heard me mention the book when Things Collapse by Imogene Rowan. If you haven't read it yet, definitely add it to your list, especially if you're a survivor or someone who loves a survivor. It is honest and validating and deeply, deeply healing. Trigger warning for that book there were so many things that came up for me, as far as memories go, while I was reading that book, and there were so many times where I had to put it down and just go and visit Victor in his office while he was working and just sit on the floor beside him and cry, just because I didn't want to be alone. That book is deeply impactful and I am so excited to share that.

Speaker 1:

Next season, emma will actually be joining us here on Dismissed True Stories. We're going to sit down and talk about the work of healing what abuse looks like, the collapse, the rebuild and everything in between. The way that she finally decided to just stop and talk to her daughter and tell her the truth, that broke me, because I know that there are so many victims who have, who are also parents, who have that moment too, and it's kind of heartbreaking because it's like you feel like you're taking away a certain amount of like innocence from your child by letting them know that like this is a real thing. But it's a very important conversation to have 110%.

Speaker 2:

I mean, I've had that with my own mom because I didn't have a good role model system. My dad was very abusive. So this is where this was my normal and this is the hardest part. This was my normal, um, because my dad never did anything with me, anything with me, and so it kind of mirrored it. I knew that wasn't right, but I was mirroring it because that's all I knew. But yeah, it's very important to have those conversations and I was 15 when I first met him.

Speaker 2:

I like I wish I could go back and say just think about it, like, just think about it, that person may be your friend, but you don't know everything about them, as I discovered. So it, that person may be your friend, but you don't know everything about them, as I like discovered.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, yeah, you can hide a lot. You can definitely hide a lot, especially like through social media or just like that age gap um, yeah, and naivety.

Speaker 2:

I mean I never thought you should put in someone's full name and then put police record or put court cases, things like that. Yeah, I didn't ever think that was a normal thing to do. Um, but yeah, that's something that you don't think to do. It's hard, but yeah, but you said about family thing. Um, I had it really weird to other people. So he never told me he had any family really. So he was adopted and a month before I had my child, he suddenly said he was speaking to his parents. And I was like what? And it turns out he had adopted parents and he hasn't spoken to them in years and he just told them that I was having a baby. And it was really crazy, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Did they react? Did they decide to like be a part of it?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, they actually are still in contact with us and they don't speak to him at all because of the way he is, which is really like weird. This is very weird to most people, um, but yeah, but I thought this was really unusual because I've never had that before. But yeah, he literally um, said that and he didn't want to be anything to do with my family, so I had a baby shower and he never, he didn't want to go and meet them and all that sort of stuff.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, I, I get that.

Speaker 2:

I experienced the same thing yeah, and then the whole way through my baby shower was messages, messages, messages, messages. Why aren't you responding? Why aren't you responding? But he didn't want to come. It's like he even made me late for that. Actually, he said that my car, like the oil on my car, needed full changing, like a full oil change, and it really didn't.

Speaker 1:

It really didn't wow, he really went above and beyond.

Speaker 2:

I know, right, right and it gets crazy. He got a motorbike and he put it in the front of my living room. Stuff like that, like the most extreme stuff, like when I was working yeah, I know is like it would happen, if that makes sense. So when I was distracted, you do something. Does that make?

Speaker 1:

sense, yeah, it does it definitely does.

Speaker 1:

I see this type of abuse talked about often, and I've talked about it in the ways that a lot of the times, it's not always loud. Sometimes it shows up in ways that seem subtle or even petty, but are deeply rooted in control. We're talking about coercive control and control through confusion. So it's like when Sophie's ex refused to go with her to her baby shower but blew up her phone the entire time that she was there. Text after text, question after question, little jabs or guilt trips like are you having fun without me? Or who are you with? And it's not because they miss you, it's because they want to remind you that you're never really free. Yeah, wow, I'm processing a lot with you. I know that we've talked about a lot, but I'm still learning about your release Sorry.

Speaker 2:

I'm just teasing you.

Speaker 2:

There's a lot of things that I'm learning about you during this conversation, yeah, but it's a lot of things like but it's like I said over the last year, I'm like speaking to other people, I'm like, oh, that's not normal, that's really not normal. But I classified that as normal because that's what I had. And it was like I spoke to like this police officer about stuff and he looked at me like what have you been through? Like you could see it in his face. He was like he was horrified. Yeah, it's like. He's like don't are you okay? Have you spoken to people? I was like, yeah, I'm fine. And they're like, oh gosh, oh, what about?

Speaker 1:

okay, so I I feel like I I remember there was something else that you told me, because you and I have had conversations about PTSD, yeah, um, before, and I do remember that there was something that you told me about the knife incident. Yes, yep, that's the one, do you want?

Speaker 2:

this point I had a four-month-old. It's weird, again, I get the haziness on it. But this is a really weird thing. This song now comes on, I think I told you.

Speaker 2:

This song comes on when I'm going through really good or bad parts of my life and it's Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve, and it's very weird because when I listen to the lyrics it is pretty much my life and it's really weird and I really relate to it. But anyway, that song came on on the TV and I remember him saying something about oh yeah, this video is really cool and I don't know how they did it all in one take, but I don't know, I just remember that part. And then I don't know how it turned into it all, but it literally was in like split seconds. He changed his pacing, he was weird, um, and he grabbed a knife and he pressed it up to my chest and he threatened to kill me and I was like what is happening?

Speaker 2:

But I don't like, because I'm going through the whole process of I don't really remember all of the steps still, so like sometimes I've listened back to it and I'm like that's what happened, but I don't. You know, I mean it's really hazy and weird, but that happened. And then I ended up having extreme PTSD that I couldn't use a knife for a year, like I couldn't. Every time I used a knife I'd drop it or I'd panic Like I was panicking. I was going to stab myself by accident because I was going back to that process of that's what happened to me. That's what happened to me.

Speaker 1:

Let's talk about why so many survivors describe their worst memories as hazy or foggy, scattered or incomplete. It's because of how your brain actually works under trauma. So when you're in a threatening situation, like an abusive relationship, your brain activates its survival response. We all know what those are Fight, flight, fight, flight, freeze and fawn, and during that state your brain's amygdala goes into overdrive. It's scanning for danger, but at the same time your prefrontal cortex I apologize, the part of your brain that is responsible for logic and decision-making and memory processing it starts to shut down. So the result of that looks like you don't form memories in the same way.

Speaker 1:

Instead of being filed neatly in chronological order like a story traumatic memories they often get stored as sensory fragments. They're like flashes of emotion, sound or physical sensation, and you might remember how something felt, but not exactly what was said. This is something that I have experienced many times. Or you might recall the moment something happened, but not what came before or after. I know that I shared. I have a very fragmented memory of like running outside of my slippers and hiding in someone's shed, but I don't know why or what happened after, and this is why trauma memories can feel hazy or out of order, and it's also why, in some cases, survivors don't remember parts of their abuse until months or even years later. It's actually this thing called dissociative amnesia, and it's well-documented as a protective response. It's your brain literally saying this is too much to handle right now, so let me tuck this away until we're safe enough to process it.

Speaker 2:

And it was kind of accepting it. But it was even like I gave the knife to my mom that it actually happened with, because I was like I just don't want to see it. I just don't want to see it. But even that didn't stop it, like nothing was stopping it. I could have used a different knife, could use anything, and it just wasn't working. What worse is, at this point I'm trying to wean a baby, so obviously you need a knife to mash things up, and I'm there, like using spoons, using forks, anything, rather than a knife, and it was absolutely ridiculous, like I couldn't cut up the basic stuff with a knife for a year.

Speaker 2:

What did help, though? I made myself do it. I like remember one day being like no, you are gonna cut this knife and cut with this knife. And I just every day, slowly, even though I was fighting the urge of like everything. I made myself do it because I spoke to like a therapist and she wasn't a complex PTSD person and at the time I didn't know I had that. So she was like this is very unusual PTSD. And then, when I looked into it all and I actually got referred to a better therapist, she was like this is CPTSD Like this is complex, this is really something different. But yeah, I had to make myself do it and that was the hardest thing, because that's the thing that my body is like no, no, you don't go near it. But I had to make myself go through the whole pick it up, do it. Pick it up, do it. Um, exposure therapy yeah, but it wasn't good because obviously I'm there terrified I'm gonna hurt myself by accident with a knife, but yeah, wow.

Speaker 1:

So I think it is important to talk a little bit about exposure therapy here, just in case you haven't heard about it. So when Sophie shared that she couldn't use a knife for a full year after her abuser held one to her chest, it made complete sense, right? Because that's how trauma works. Our brains are wired to protect us. So when something terrifying happens, especially something life-threatening, our nervous system tags anything that is associated with that as dangerous. So in Sophie's case it was a knife, but for others it could be anything like a song, a smell, a type of clothing, a certain type of vehicle, the sound of a door slamming. And that's where exposure therapy comes in. It's a proven treatment for PTSD where you slowly and safely reintroduce yourself to the triggers until your brain learns this thing is no longer a threat. So it's not pretending that it didn't happen. It's about proving to your body hey, I'm safe now I survived and I'm in control again. Yeah, how did you get to the point of deciding that you were done, that you were ready to walk away?

Speaker 2:

I went through the whole standard of what I've heard everyone does of like trying to walk away about a billion times, but it doesn't work. Does that make sense? Yeah, I had it once where I stayed in a hotel and he came back. I had it once where I moved house and he came back. It just felt like every time he came back. Does that make sense?

Speaker 2:

So it's got to a point now, like where I know I can't reply to an email, I know I can't do anything because he will try and love bomb me back, if that's really that's the truth of it and I have to accept that. Um, but the time that I remember being like I don't want to live with this would have been like two odd years ago now. Um, and I just remember certain points, like things that I look back on, that I'm like I remember that he wouldn't open the curtains in the morning and he wouldn't get up to like one o'clock in the afternoon and a simple thing like that. But you're in darkness and you're feeling darkness inside. I remember feeling, like you said, like on eggshells and I did not want that making him coffees first thing in the morning when I am dead because I've been up all night with a child yeah, do you?

Speaker 2:

know what I mean. Like, yes, I do, here you go, there's your supplies, but where's mine, you know? And not having to have, not having a shower, but being made feel disgusting, disgusting because of that and stuff like that, and I just remember thinking, no, there's something more to life than this. And, um, I kind of slowly drifted away, but he still used the whole coming back in and, unfortunately, children I use a lot in this and he would use the whole. I'm coming to see a child, um, you know, as an excuse, um, and it's a hard one.

Speaker 2:

In that situation it's very hard to just go away and it's something you don't necessarily want them in your life. For the rest of your life, unfortunately are, but in a different way, if that makes sense, because you don't have to have them around you. It's very hard for anyone who's going through it. You don't have to have them around you. It's really really, really hard. I get that. You don't, for yourself and for your child self. You don't need that. Um, your child needs to see you in a better light, needs you at your best and you being healthy and happy is the top priority. Um, but yeah, I just remember thinking like I told you. I used to think this is not healthy, this is not right, this is safe. I think it was like that sort of thing and I started sort of seeing people say stuff online and I was like this sounds like it.

Speaker 1:

This sounds like it, the education piece, I think, is something that is so important for so many victims who are looking to leave, because once you know, you can't not know.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and then I started to learn. Obviously he'd clearly gone through my messages. I'd spoken to people before and I kind of clicked. I had people that wouldn't speak to me anymore and I realized he'd been messaging as me on accounts, things like that. Oh wow, to really click on, I need to be careful what I'm messaging people, what I'm saying. Um, it was a huge different ball game. But when you get that inner strength that you want to live like, you go from that whole. I remember thinking like, like I said before, I looked out the window and I was like I'm done. I'm done like I'm done because I was just done with it. You go from that to I want to survive. When you go to, I want to survive, you will try and get out as much as you can. It's just the hardest part is leaving. The hardest part is leaving. But I equally think the hardest part is then staying leaving, because they'll always try to get you back some way or another.

Speaker 1:

I well, at least for me, every time that I would leave and come back, it was like the abuse got worse, because it was almost like oh, I've got her and and now, like I can just, I can just do whatever I want, because yeah she. She can pretend and she can lie to herself and say that she's gonna leave, but she's, she'll be back, like that's how I thought that the thought process was and that's why I felt like my abuse always got worse.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, like it would be a little bit more bold, because she's gonna stay yeah, and I felt like he'd also learned my tactics.

Speaker 1:

That made sense, like you had, like I, unfortunately would go through the whole process of like zoning out you know, yes, yes, yeah, and I think he knew when I was gonna go and he'd be like she'll be back next week right, and it's the process of, like you leaving, and then them love bombing you and saying everything that they and treating you the way that they should have been treating you all along, and then then so you're like, oh wow, things are really different and he's changed. That is not your fault, though, for going back Like they're just a chameleon and they can be anyone they want to be, but 99% of the time, they are choosing choosing to be abusive. Yeah, think that. Remember that, please.

Speaker 2:

Yeah and also another thing is I always get asked this was he on alcohol? Was in drugs? It does not matter. That is not an excuse for abuse and I don't take that stance. I've had so many people say to me if he was an alcohol, if you know that doesn't matter whether he was or the person was or wasn't. That is them and you know whether you're on alcohol, drugs, whatever else. If you're gonna act like that, that is you and that is your representation of you. Unfortunately, that is them. I just hate it when people will justify it with stuff like that. I really hate it because I've had that so many times said to me. But was he on drugs? I don't care if it happened.

Speaker 1:

Well, I feel like it. Um, it gets to a point where you're like it's kind of it's invalidating of your own experiences. Yeah, sophie touches on the very reason why I started reaching out to other survivors in my own healing journey, and it's because, in a lot of ways, I felt like healing from abuse was sometimes worse than the abuse itself, and it's because it feels extra isolating. It's like people expect you to walk away and then be okay, and that's not the case. And one of the most painful parts of surviving abuse isn't just the trauma that you've lived through. It's what happens when you finally decide to start speaking up and telling your story, when you find the strength to share that story.

Speaker 1:

Instead of support, sometimes you're met with why didn't you just leave? Wasn't he an addict, like Sophie said, or are you sure it was really abuse? They get the benefit of the doubt You're an abuser. You get dismissed. They get excuses, you get silence. It's disgusting and so that's why little shameless plug I created this Survivor Sisterhood. It's a private group on Facebook of listeners of this podcast who are looking for their survivor sister. We've all experienced the same thing in different fonts and sometimes you just need another woman to say hey, you know what. I completely understand what you're going through. If that feels like something that you would be interested in, the link to join is in the show notes below. I think it's a hurtful question because it's a yes, but answer.

Speaker 2:

But I just wanted to say that, because I don't think anyone ever said that to me and I felt like you know, it does make you feel like, oh well, he was on this or she was on this or whatever else, and no, that's not OK. It's still not OK, Like you and me we're not doing anything bad, now are we. It doesn't make it a good thing because you were doing something bad. If that makes sense, so yeah.

Speaker 1:

Right, can we talk about for a quick second the sisterhood and community and what that's done in our healing journeys and for the both of us? Yeah, of course we can. You had sent me a message a couple of weeks ago that I was like Sophie, don't make me emotional.

Speaker 2:

Which one?

Speaker 1:

was that how I was able to validate your experiences? And in talking with another survivor and saying this is what I've been through and even if their story isn't 100% aligned with yours, we still understand and we still get it. We know why you stayed, we know how you felt, and you were telling me that the sisterhood has just, has just really helped you, and how thankful you were, I was like don't make me cry.

Speaker 2:

They did because, at the time, like I was starting to see stuff and I was like this has happened to me, this has happened to me, oh, there's another person that's had it. And then everything you were putting on there. I was like to see stuff and I was like this has happened to me, this has happened to me, oh, there's another person that's had it. And then everything you were putting on there I was like like are you reading my mind? Like this has happened to me and, um, whether it's exactly the same or not, you always seem to see patterns of it. Like the amount of people that I've spoken to and they're like, oh, yeah, my partner, he's not abusive, but but he has gone on Tinder and he's done this, and he's coercively done this. And I'm like, yeah, but if you put it in a massive list, it is abuse. You just don't see it, because you've just pinpointed one thing and, unfortunately, if you speak to the wrong people, they're going to invalidate what you're feeling.

Speaker 2:

For instance, me, when I found theinder on his phone and I'd gone on peanut, which is an app. I don't know if you've got it in the US. I think you have. Yeah, and obviously, as a mom. I'm like, yeah, I found this on the um. Is it common on this phone? And I had three people that clearly gone through the same thing. Do you know what? My, my boyfriend's had that last week and he said that's so common. It gets accidentally downloaded on the phone. And I'm there, gaslit by these people. Yeah, I'm there like, oh yeah, okay, this is not.

Speaker 1:

My eye is twitching.

Speaker 2:

There is literally speaking to people that are being abused, just like me, and I'm starting to get gaslit by it. But obviously that wasn't the case. Clearly you downloaded Tinder, but you know that's just a classic example. If you find the wrong people, you're not going to get the right answers, but finding you has helped me so much, so yeah, don't get emotional.

Speaker 1:

Please don't get emotional. Stop thinking no, I'm doing Morse code with my eyelashes. What I said, I was doing it because I'm doing Morse code with my eyelashes.

Speaker 2:

What are you trying to tell me with your eyelashes? They're very nice. I don't know what you're trying to tell me.

Speaker 1:

Just the gaslighting that happened to, unfortunately, those other women that then was a ripple effect to you. Yeah, it literally was. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2:

Because it's literally like three of us and I'm like, oh, okay. And now, looking back, I wish I could find all those usernames. I wish I could go back on that site and be like girls, are you safe? Are?

Speaker 1:

you out of it, are you okay? Yes, I can't. Just a disclaimer Tinder has never randomly shown up on my phone. It doesn't do that.

Speaker 2:

Stay with it. Doesn't do that, stay with me. It doesn't happen, you gotta download it that's a choice, and I think matching with someone as well isn't an accident, but you know interesting, interesting how that works.

Speaker 1:

I guess a little shameless plug. If you do, I'll put my website in the show notes. But thesurvivorsisterhoodcom you can join the Sisterhood. We are a group of survivors on Facebook who just interact with each other, help, support each other, share full circle moments, share the things that we're struggling with. It's a beautiful place to be and it means a lot to me. And if you feel alone and you really need someone to chat with, always hit up.

Speaker 1:

Sophie, you can join the sisterhood. Like I said in the beginning, her contact information will be in the show notes here as well, especially if you really resonate with her story. I said in the beginning, her contact information will be in the show notes here as well, especially if you really resonate with her story. Please, please, reach out to her or join the sisterhood. We would love to have you. Yeah, so one thing that I did in season one that really meant a lot to me because I got so many different answers and I love to think that somebody may say something that's going to plant the seed for a victim who's looking to leave and that's going to be that one piece of information that sticks with them. So if there is someone who is looking to leave their relationship um or their abusive situation. What is one piece of advice that you would give them?

Speaker 2:

a hard one, um. You will get stronger, you will be safe, but be careful along the way, um, and eventually you'll get where you need to be. So, wherever you're aiming to go, aim for that, whatever it is, even if it's the little thing, like I said, like opening the curtains or, like you say, the art of noticing things. You do notice a lot more things, um, but the main one for me is I wish I could go back and tell myself that one day you will feel the sun on your face again and it will feel like the best thing you've ever had. So, if you are going through it and you are trying to leave, do try and find the safest way and think of that sun moment. Honestly, you'll think it's silly, but the moment you have that sun on your face and you're free, it is like the best thing in the world. So please try your best and always just try and stay safe at the same time, because it's such a hard time. I know exactly how you're feeling, so, yeah, thank you so much.

Speaker 1:

That was beautiful. I think about the time that I felt the sun on my face and I was.

Speaker 1:

I took myself out on a solo date after I left and I went to the beach and watched the sunset and I just remember like feeling emotional because I'm like, wow, these are like little moments and pockets of joy that I should have been able to have, that I you know, if I did, I had to steal those moments for myself and now I'm fully able to just do this because I want to. That's such a beautiful feeling Freedom, freedom, freedom. Okay Well, thank you so much for sharing your story. I love that.

Speaker 2:

I got to learn more about you and it's a brave thing that's another thing is if you're in the uk and you're going through it, um, you can do a claire's law. That's what I ended up doing but you have to be in the relationship and it's really hard to do. Um, I don't know if you've got it over in the us. It's like a law you can go to the police and they can tell you if your partner's ever done any domestic abuse charges of any kind. It is really, really, it's good. But if you can do it, you need someone with you, because I didn't have anyone with me. I didn't know you were allowed to and I really wish I had, but that may help you.

Speaker 1:

Sophie had touched on something called Claire's Law, and in the UK, survivors have access to something called Claire's Law and it's a game changer for safety and prevention. Claire's Law is, and it's a game changer for safety and prevention. Claire's Law is officially known as the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme and it was named after Claire Wood, a woman who was unalived by her ex-boyfriend in 2009. And after her death, it was discovered that he had this long history of violence against women. That was something that Claire she never knew about. This law gives people the right to ask the police whether their current or former partner has a history of domestic abuse, and it also allows police to proactively disclose that information if they believe someone is at risk. So there are two parts to this law. One part is the right to ask, meaning that anyone can request information about their partner's past, and the second part is the right to know, so police can choose to share that information if they believe that someone is in danger, even if this person who may be in danger hasn't asked. It's not perfect, but it's powerful. It arms survivors and potential victims with knowledge, and when it comes to abuse, knowledge can save a life, can save a life. Here in the US we don't have something that is like Claire's law, but this law reminds us how important it is to take someone's past behavior seriously, especially when it comes to the patterns of abuse.

Speaker 1:

Sophie's story is so much more than just one survivor's experience. It's a mirror for so many of us. I know that I relate so well to Sophie's story, the patterns that she's lived through, the control, the gaslighting, the isolation. There are things far too many survivors know all too well. But what makes this story powerful isn't just the pain. It's the clarity, the truth, telling the strength and saying this is what happened and I'm still standing. I'm a survivor.

Speaker 1:

If this episode brought up something in you, please take care of yourself. And if you're ready to start your healing, or if you just want a safe place where your story is understood, I invite you to join the Survivor Sisterhood, our private Facebook community built by survivors for survivors. The link to join is in the show notes below. You don't have to do this alone and your story is valid and you deserve to be seen and heard and healed. Thank you for listening to Dismissed True Stories, thank you for giving the five-star reviews, thank you for helping this podcast reach other victims and survivors. And until next time, keep speaking your truth and remember the world is a better place because you are in it. Thank you.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Elissa

Host