Dismissed True Stories
Dismissed True Stories is a survivor-led podcast that dares to break the silence around domestic violence, emotional abuse, and toxic relationships. Each episode shares the raw, unfiltered realities of what abuse really looks like. From overlooked red flags to moments of escape, and everything in between.
Created by a survivor-turned-advocate with a broadcasting background, DTS is where stories once silenced are now spoken. Loudly, honestly, and without apology. We’re not here to sensationalize abuse; we’re here to humanize survivors.
You’ll hear from survivors finding their voices, families forever changed by loss, and organizations working to support healing and recovery. Sometimes, it’s one survivor passing the mic to another with a piece of advice that could change or.. save a life.
But DTS isn’t just about telling stories of survival. Each episode's commentary helps you decode your own story, make sense of your experiences, and see the patterns you might have missed while in survival mode.
The tone? Like talking with a trusted friend. No fluff. Just truth.
Whether you're navigating narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, or coercive control or you're in the process of rebuilding your self-worth and healing your trauma this space is for you.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is finally tell your own story.
Survivor-led. Heart-led. Truth-led.
#DismissedTrueStories | A podcast for survivors and victims, by survivors.
Dismissed True Stories
Starving for Freedom: Keyanna's Story PT 1
Kiana shares her harrowing journey of surviving relationship abuse that began when she was just 18 years old and directionless after high school. Her powerful testimony reveals how abuse can take many forms beyond physical violence.
• First meeting her abuser through Facebook and quickly becoming inseparable
• Experiencing isolation tactics disguised as love and protectiveness
• Dealing with constant surveillance at work and jealousy toward any potential male interactions
• Being followed to college when trying to create independence
• Losing access to her own money and basic necessities
• Resorting to hiding expired food behind dumpsters just to eat
• Going from size 16 to size 0 in just four months due to starvation and stress
• Being manipulated by claims of an "alter ego" that made her responsible for her partner's behavior
• Recognizing the dead look in her eyes when looking at photos from that time
Join our Survivor Sisterhood on Facebook if you're feeling isolated or alone in your healing journey. Remember that healing happens in community, and you don't have to carry this weight by yourself.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 OR text begin to 88788
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Hi, hello, welcome back to Dismissed True Stories. I feel like I really need to figure out how to start these episodes. All I know is that I don't want to talk a lot because I hate long intros to podcasts. But, with that being said, I have to tell you something. I just want to say one thing. I opened up about how much I struggled after telling my story, how I fell off in my body, how my mind was racing, how I felt like I was just kind of right back in it. I was triggered, I was sleeping a lot.
Speaker 1:There have been so many of you who have reached out to me who have said girl same. So if you're feeling in any way, shape or form, like your healing isn't working, like you're sick and tired of doing this and like you can take 10 steps forward, but then it feels like you take nine and a half steps back, it's normal. This shit is I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. We are doing the best that we can and even though there's like such a clear before and after when you experience abuse, right Like that person that we were when we went into this relationship, like they don't exist anymore, and I think, to some level. You have to grieve that. You have to grieve that person, but also you're grieving your relationship. If you had a family with that person, you're grieving your family. Then you have to go through this layer of like getting angry and making them the monster in your story, because they are. But then there's like this second level of healing that comes along, where you're like wow, now it's time to look at myself and that sucks, and I think that's what. That's the place that so many of us are in right now. It's like looking at ourself, challenging our core beliefs, reparenting ourselves. It's heavy, it's hard. I'm right there with you. I am so right there with you.
Speaker 1:There are so many times where I just feel so annoyed and frustrated with myself because I can't make myself do the things that I want to do, because I have to stop and cry for a second, or I'm so tired I'm not sleeping, I'm having nightmares, I'm doing all the things. It's not fair. I just want to live a life that I know I deserve to live. I deserve to live. And sometimes it's not possible because I have CPTSD or something comes up for me like a random memory and I'm like holy cow, now I have to deal with this. I can't just keep pushing it away and pretending like it doesn't happen, because those skeletons in my closet are eventually going to bust out and chase me down and I'm going to have to feel it whether I like it or not. Right, I know that I'm going on a rant, but I just had to get that off my chest and I think that's just like my long roundabout way of saying you're not alone.
Speaker 1:You're not alone and I guess a little shameless plug for the group on Facebook that I'm trying to build, the Survivor Sisterhood. It's a private group. If you feel like you are isolated and alone and that no one is healing the way that you're healing, or that no one is feeling the way that you're feeling, or even if you're still in that relationship and you just want a sister to stand beside you, please join the group. That's what it is for. You've heard me say healing happens in community.
Speaker 1:I don't even know how many times, but it really freaking does, because when I found Brandy, my survivor sister, and we started talking about all the things that I felt so alone in, and she was like, oh my God, me too. That was so validating, so healing. I did a whole 180. I was so depressed, so low, when her and I first started talking, when we started really working on our relationship and being vulnerable with each other. And that's the thing that's so scary, right Like we don't want to trust another person because the person that we gave our all to, plus some, completely destroyed us. They completely broke us. They completely drained us of our love and our light and our spirit and our spunk. They completely broke us. They completely drained us of our love and our light and our spirit and our spunk. And so to go and be vulnerable with somebody else, oh man, that is so scary, but it's worth it. And you have to listen to your gut, to your intuition, because I know it was talking to you when you were in that abusive relationship and if you're still in it, I know it's talking to you right now. It's saying girl, you got to go, girl, you got to go, something's off. This is not right. You deserve more than this and you do deserve more. Okay, we're all in this together. Join the group.
Speaker 1:So I guess let's get into Kiana's episode today. Holy cow Guys, this one sat with me. After Kiana and I interviewed, I literally walked upstairs, sat on my couch and stared at the window for I don't even know how long, because I was just trying to digest everything that she said to me. She really put her heart into this. I know that she really wants you to understand that, no matter what it is that you're experiencing, we probably all feel the same, and that is alone, confused hurt probably the lowest that we've ever been, and so I do want to give some trigger warnings for this. Even though her and I didn't kind of experience some of the same things, this one just made me really sad one just made me really sad.
Speaker 2:So, with that being said, let's get into Kiana's story. I guess we'll start with how old were you when you met your abuser user? I was freshly 18, fresh out of high school, sort of. I graduated high school when I was 17. So I went to California real quick for college and decided, oh, this is not for me. I came back home and I was just 18. So I just started working at the Speedway around the corner from my house. I didn't have a whole lot of direction, you know, I was just wandering and I think that played a huge role in the way things came to be, just because I didn't have anything really going for me. I had never had a real significant other Like I didn't date for real in high school. So when I met this person it was like insane.
Speaker 1:And you told me well, I think that that is normal, like a normal feeling when you kind of walk into that kind of relationship, At least. Maybe I don't want to say normal, but I felt the same way. I remember feeling like I just beat myself up so much about where I was in my life, I wasn't happy with my direction and where I was, and I just remember feeling like, oh well, this person's the best thing that I have going for me and yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Exactly that.
Speaker 1:I can definitely relate to you on that, yeah, yeah, and you said that you guys met each other like she was originally a stranger to you, but you met off of Facebook Like she was originally a stranger to you, but you met off of Facebook.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so my mind, I feel like has deleted a lot. If this part of Kiana's story feels familiar to you I know it did for me that being young or directionalist, even lonely, perhaps been lonely, perhaps but this is something that I see in a lot of your stories is that they don't really show up your abuser when you're thriving and, I think, like on the outside. When it comes to my own story, I looked like I was thriving because I had my career, but I was so just lost on the inside and was so unsure of who I was. And I feel like they find you in that in-between, when you are unsure of yourself and when you're craving belonging. So then they show up and they feel like strong and sturdy and kind of like the answer to your longing, to your prayers, like the missing piece that you were looking for. Entering in a vulnerable chapter doesn't mean that you caused what happened. They are who they are caused what happened.
Speaker 2:They are who they are. I remember getting a message on Facebook asking you know if I went to a certain high school and I was like, yeah, I just graduated, you know whatever.
Speaker 2:They had a lot of mutual friends on Facebook with me, which you know deceiving because everybody's friends on Facebook. At that time this was like 2012, maybe 2011. And yeah, it was. I was intrigued because I'm like, okay, and they asked me about going to prom because they didn't have a person to go to prom with. It was like they were just finishing their high school year, so they were going to prom.
Speaker 1:Oh, so she was a year younger than you.
Speaker 2:So it was like I'm allowed to go? Okay, I guess I will, why not? You know my one of my other best friends, who was also a year younger than me. It was her prom too, so we took it as an opportunity to be like hey, we get to go to prom together, even though I am already one year past, you Like. So that was nice, um, but that was my introduction. Like, we just started talking on Facebook and kind of getting to know each other. Um, we met up near her house on the South side of my town and we just talked and talked and talked and it felt like, holy cow, we have a ton in common, like this is really cool. And I had never dated, let alone dated a woman, but I always knew that I was bisexual, so it was like another whole new world, right. So I was really excited and ready to jump in, like, not that we talked about relationships right then, but I was just really excited.
Speaker 2:So, you know, went to the prom and everything was great. We had an awesome time, um, and pretty much never left each other's side. From that point, like it was. I don't even know how to describe it. Just, you know, people say, you know they sweep you off your feet or whatever. But it was like a whirlwind just hit me like a ton of bricks and we're just, we're just in it all the way Like we could get married tomorrow. We didn't, obviously, but it just felt so like just insane amount of loving, crazy fun, like we just did a lot of fun things. We could have fun walking along in the forest and still have a good time and joke around and it felt good then Okay.
Speaker 1:So I just want to pause here for a second because there's something really important to point out. Did you catch when Kiana said we pretty much never left each other's side from that point? That's one of those moments that, in hindsight, a lot of survivors recognize as the beginning of what we call love bombing I know you've heard it a million times when things move fast and they feel intense and they just almost always seem too good to be true, because they often are. But also, I want to go back to something else that she said earlier about how her brain has deleted a lot from that relationship. That's so real. It's not weakness or forgetfulness, that's your brain literally protecting you.
Speaker 1:And I've talked about this before how, like, big chunks of my own memory are missing from the thick of my abuse. And it's called trauma-related disassociation. It's one of the ways that your nervous system helps you survive something that feels impossible at the time. Survive something that feels impossible at the time. Listening to that part made my heart ache a little, but you get it. That was just your survival mode kicking in. Let's get back to it.
Speaker 2:I didn't see it coming and being in a same-sex relationship. When it comes to families, people get weird, depending on where you're, what your beliefs are, and you know my family was very religious and it was, but they are they accepted sort of. I think they accepted it to a point of like well, this is a phase and we'll get through it, and when she's on the other side, it's it'll be fine, right, like. So they just kind of went with it. Um, that initial reaction was kind of like oh no, you could see it all over their faces, but they tried their best to just be like okay.
Speaker 1:To like be supportive.
Speaker 2:You're here now, yeah, yeah, and yeah it was like, and yeah it was like. I think that played a huge part in the ease of isolation, because nobody really wanted to like get close to her or to the two of us, like the idea of us. Not very many people liked it. I mean, my friends were pretty chill about it. They didn't seem to be like. They weren't like hateful or anything crazy, just not a fan Like. They clearly saw something right off the bat that I did not and I'm.
Speaker 2:Nobody said anything to me, probably because they were too afraid. Because it's my first like big relationship At least it felt to me and it's a same sex relationship. Then I'm sure they felt like if they say anything, I'm going to be like well. Then I'm sure they felt like if they say anything, I'm going to be like, well, you're just doing this because she's a woman, you know that whole thing. And of course that's not the case. They genuinely had concerns, but they just didn't really tell me about those concerns until later when things got kind of gnarly and I was too deep in to hear what they were talking about. I didn't care what they were saying.
Speaker 1:Kiana says I was in it too deep to care what they were saying and that rattled my bones a little bit, because that's how abuse works it pulls you under so slowly that you don't even realize that you're drowning until you're literally gasping for air. You said in the message that you sent me, kind of explaining the entire relationship, you said that she immediately began isolating me from my friends and family, me from my friends and family. So looking back, you said that kind of like the weirdness or maybe the tension that you felt in your family dynamic, even though they were trying to be supportive, probably played a role in your isolation. But can you explain the ways that you understand now that she was isolating you?
Speaker 2:looking back, so the constant need to be together, right, like if I wanted to go and hang out with my best friend. It was like, oh well, why can't I come with you? It's not that big of a deal, why do you have to be alone, together? And it's like I mean, geez, I've been alone with her many times, I've never been romantically interested and, of course, again, I've been alone with her many times, I've never been romantically interested and, of course, again, I never thought about jealousy in that way. Like it's my best friend. I've never once looked at her that way.
Speaker 2:I don't know why you're freaking out so hard. Like it started with that where it was like my best friend couldn't go anywhere with her but without my partner. Like they were always always around and or calling. If I decided, okay, I'm just going to go, they're calling and calling and texting and calling and I'm like, dude, come on, can I have a semblance of peace, cause now we're arguing on the phone instead of me enjoying my time, and it makes me be like, okay, well, forget it, I'll just come home, cause I'm not trying to do this with you. If I can't enjoy the time, what's the point of being out here, right, and then I just stopped trying to even be out here because you're continuously making it so unfun to be out there. And then when I come home, you're trying to make it all lovey and like let's have a movie night, let's have a whatever, like you want to make it nice and fun to be home with you and horrible to be out anywhere else.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is classic coercive control and it's one of the most overlooked red flags. Like what Kiana is describing here, is isolation wrapped in romance. It wasn't you can't see your friends. It was why can't I come with you or why do you need alone time with her. It sounded like jealousy. It felt like love, but what it really was was control the constant calls, the guilt trips, the blowups that ruin your night and make you want to go home, just to end the fight. That's how isolation works in abusive relationships. It's sometimes not a locked door, it's emotional exhaustion. You stop trying to make plans because peace is only possible when you stay close to them. And the kicker when you give in and stay, they reward you. Movie night cuddles, your favorite takeout. It makes it feel like home is the safe place they're getting in your head when it's actually the most dangerous one. This is what we mean when we say abuse isn't always violent. Sometimes it's someone turning your entire world into a two-person bubble and calling it love.
Speaker 2:I would go to work and she would come to my job and just hang out. Like I said, I worked at the gas station, she would just stand there. I'm at the cash register, she's standing over by the sodas, standing over by the roller grill. If I'm over at the roller grill putting like the hot dogs and stuff on there, she's just standing there. Just standing there, watching, talking to me.
Speaker 1:You said that she became very paranoid, that someone, especially a man, would come and steal you away. Yeah, was that part of why she would come into your workplace?
Speaker 2:I firmly believe that is why she would come into my workplace workplace.
Speaker 1:I firmly believe that is why she would come into my workplace. Okay, chills, but not in a good way. I remember how subtle isolation could be. It doesn't always start with you can't go anywhere. Sometimes it's I'll come with you and I'll wait for you at work. Honestly, it makes me think of this girl at the gym whose boyfriend is just always there, always watching.
Speaker 1:It might seem sweet at first, right, but somebody wanting to be around you all the time, especially if it's your partner who's constantly showing up to your job, hovering near the soda machine or watching your every move while you're just trying to earn a damn paycheck. It's not romance, it's surveillance. Oh man, the fire that I feel Kiana shares that her partner was paranoid that a man might come take her away, so she inserted herself into every corner of her life. That's not love. That's not love, that's control rooted in fear and insecurity. Those have no space for like true, actual love. So if someone is trying to protect their relationship by shrinking your world and your freedom, oh babe, that is not safe, no matter how caring it looks on the surface.
Speaker 2:Especially a man. Yes, I think that because at that age I was looking great, if I do say so myself. But there's a lot. You know, gas station is one of those places that, like dudes, just do whatever and they say whatever. They do not care, they will say anything, they'll talk to you all kinds of crazy. I had a man throw money over me one time, like while I'm actively trying to do my job at the cash register. So it's a lot, and I guess she felt like all that attention maybe would get to my head and I'd want to leave her or whatever. But I had only eyes for her at the time.
Speaker 1:I bet that made it hard, though, because you probably felt like you were constantly having to prove your loyalty and your love always, always, always.
Speaker 2:Can't look at anybody can't hang out with anybody, we just have to and your love, always, always, always. Like can't look at anybody, can't hang out with anybody, we just have to be together. And I also can't say anything about her hanging around my job, even though you could make me lose my job doing that. If you don't buy something, if you don't, you're loitering at this point and fortunately I worked a three to midnight so there really was not a manager on a lot, um, and maybe it made her feel better being there at night, especially when people get, they get a little rowdy, but it wasn't helpful. And you know she was more masculine, so I don't know if she was playing on her own internal, I don't even know what to call it. But that mind frame of thinking you're going to beat somebody up, I mean maybe you would, she definitely could, but just hyper-masculine to overcompensate maybe.
Speaker 1:Girl. That line between protective and possessive is razor thin Holy cow and abusers can cross it early and often. Kiana's experience at the gas station is a textbook example of jealousy marked as protection. Her partner didn't trust the men who came into her workplace but instead of dealing with her own insecurity or giving Kiana the benefit of the doubt, she made it Kiana's problem. That's what abuse does. It makes you feel like you're always walking on eggshells to prove that you're worthy of being trusted, that you're worthy of even feeling happiness as an emotion. You you're responsible for how insecure or paranoid somebody else feels. Saying that out loud makes me feel gross. But here's the thing when someone has to prove their loyalty daily just to keep the peace, it's not love. You said a year into the relationship you decided to go to college and that was a huge deal because you were going to be an hour away. Can you walk me through that situation?
Speaker 2:I decided because I, like I said, I had went to California for college, originally for fashion design, and that just didn't work out. I was too far away, I wasn't enjoying myself. Came home, you know the rest, but then I, like I said, was just floating around. I was in a place that I don't know what the heck I'm going to do. I don't know what I want to do with my life. And my grandparents had encouraged me to try a local community college and I didn't want to be too local to the one that's 30 minutes away. But I decided to go an hour or you know, a little over an hour for creative writing and I was like, cool, I'm going to do this. I, you know, got excited and could start anew, kind of. You know, I'm still in the state, I'm still close, but I get to be away from everybody and kind of try to find myself.
Speaker 2:And she was not having that Like. She was so upset that I would be that far away and neither one of us had a car at the time. I was using my grandpa's car when I was like local in town, but when I moved it was bus passes and walking. So she actually decided that she was going to go to and play on. There was like a basketball team that she was able to do. I feel like it was through her therapy or like a counselor. There was something weird that she had. She had like a not like a social worker, but probably something like that and they hooked her up with people at this college where she could play basketball with them while not being enrolled in the college. So she might not have gone out and played like games where they go and travel, but she could go to their practices, she could go to their little scrimmages and whatever. And so that was her way in. That was her way in to be where I was going to be.
Speaker 2:Now. I was staying in a college apartment, so I roomed with three other girls All of them were upstairs and they were all friends and then it was just me downstairs on the main floor and she decided, okay, well, I'm going to come and just hang out with you for a little bit while I do my basketball thing, Right? So she was going back and forth for a little bit and it was like every time she would come there'd be a few more things, a few more clothes, a few more. You know like you're clearly slowly moving in.
Speaker 1:So subtle and yet, in hindsight, so very clear. Kiana was finally doing something for herself herself. She had made a huge decision to go back to school and start over and create some distance, but instead of celebrating that, her partner felt threatened by it. And this is what abuse can look like in real life. They find a way to follow you, they insert themselves into your new chapter and, little by little, they blur the boundary that you had tried to set. I've said it before and I'll say it again that control doesn't always show up as screaming or bruises. Sometimes it shows up as a duffel bag left at your door, a toothbrush in your bathroom and a visit that turns into a move-in bathroom, and a visit that turns into a move-in.
Speaker 2:This was supposed to be a fresh start for Kiana but instead it became another chapter of isolation and I don't know why I didn't stop it. I feel like the fear was there a little bit already, just from the arguments and the way they made me feel. I'm sure you can relate to this. Where you're, you know you get to a point of like a fight or flight, almost like you're arguing and you'll do anything to make it stop, but also the thought of breaking up. Oh my God, I could have died. It felt like I was dying. If she's upset with me, I feel like I am about to just die Like I don't know what. I don't know what that's about.
Speaker 1:But I know what it's about and I've felt it too. That feeling of I'd rather stay and keep the peace than break up and fall apart. Oh, my gosh, oh. When you're in an abusive relationship it creates a chemical dependency in your body. Your nervous system basically gets hijacked. You begin to associate safety with the moments when they're not upset. So when they are, it feels like the world is literally ending. And when Kiana said, if she's upset with me, I feel like I'm about to die. That's not drama, that's the nervous system in fight or flight. That's a trauma bond.
Speaker 2:It was a thing. So I never said anything to her about coming to move with me, like I could obviously tell that's what you're doing, without saying anything. Until one day it was just like, okay, here's you have a ton of clothes, and she's like I think it'd be better if I just stayed here so that way I don't have to go back and forth and ask people for rides and pay you know whatever. She doesn't work either. So I don't even know where she was getting this money to go back and forth. But I was like, okay, that makes sense. You know, I love you. This is cool If I'll make sure it's cool with them. And they didn't seem to care at the time. My roommates, um, and they had their own things going on. I didn't really talk to them that much. We didn't interact a ton, so they weren't really paying attention to what I was doing. But it was literally just a little room, like you think apartments. It's a small room in maybe a twin or full bed that we're sharing. Like, yeah, completely ridiculous.
Speaker 2:I had a bathroom directly across the hall from me. That was my own, so we had that bathroom to share and then the shared kitchen, dining, living room, whatever. I worked at the same gas station, but in this town, so it was a few miles away. I would walk to there and work my three to midnight and then walk back at midnight. Sometimes she would come and walk me, sometimes she wouldn't. They were way more strict at that gas station where she could not just be standing around.
Speaker 2:So I feel like the texting got worse. She knew she couldn't call because I wouldn't answer, but the texting all the time throughout the day. And I'm like dude, I can't go to the bathroom 15,000 times to text you because there's cameras right behind me. And I feel like that's kind of when things took a really gnarly turn right, because she didn't have as much control, she couldn't see what was happening. So that paranoia just escalated to a point of like accusing all the time. It's we're arguing like non-freaking-stop right, and it's getting to a point now where she feels comfortable to grab me, to grab my phone, to throw things right. Like she didn't exactly hit me then at that point, but it was then that she started to tell me because I would be like why are you so insane? Why are you doing this? And that's when she would tell me that she had that alter ego or extra personality. I don't understand what it was.
Speaker 2:She was obviously on medication for it and we'll get to that part of the story later. Okay, we'll put it in it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but she told me that and I was like what the hell? Okay, how do we make sure that doesn't happen? Like it was basically keeping her happy nonstop, because if she got super upset or we got into an argument, it would be like I'm not kidding. A scene out of a movie where her eyes close, she's quiet for a couple of minutes, eyes open different person immediately. Like now she's yelling, she's screaming, she's throwing things like not answering to her actual name fully a different person.
Speaker 2:And I was like this is something I've never. I have never seen anything like this in a movie made right Like what is even happening? And at that point it's like what do I do? I don't feel like I can really do anything about it. I feel like, well, if this is a real thing, am I a bad person for running away because she has this thing happening? And if I could just keep her happy and she takes this medication, then everything should be fine. And it's my fault if this happens, because I triggered her. I triggered the person to come out. Even though it's not my job right now, I know that's not my responsibility, but then at 18, I never didn't know any better.
Speaker 1:This right here. This is one of the moments where so many survivors can carry the wrong kind of weight on their shoulders. Let's talk about what just happened. So Kiana was made to believe that she was responsible for keeping her partner calm, happy, medicated, even for the preventing of an alter ego coming out. This is manipulation wrapped in something that looks like mental illness, but the impact is the same Fear, control, responsibility being placed on the victim. So let me say it clearly for anyone who may need to hear it you are not responsible for somebody else's outburst. You are not. The reason that they all of a sudden flip their trauma, their diagnosis or their personality disorder does not ever give them permission to abuse you.
Speaker 2:I'm raised, you know, to be a people pleaser, essentially. So I just wanted to please her and keep that ugly at bay at bay. But it didn't matter, because, no matter what I did, at some point there's going to be an argument. Whether it's how long it took me to get home from work, even though I'm walking two miles, it doesn't matter if it's raining, if it's snowing, if it's windy, if it's hot, it might take me a little longer than it does Like I'm not stopping anywhere. It's a straight shot from here to there. I got to go up a hill, it's fine, but if I took too long, there's a problem.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's. That's the equivalent of like tracking your miles on your car.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I don't think that was like there weren't like Apple tags or anything, but if there was. I'm sure I would have had one at that time to know where I was going at that time to know where I was going.
Speaker 1:Do you think? You also said that you went from a size 16 to a size zero in four months, which is insane because you were walking all the time to and from work, but also barely eating. Were you barely eating because of the stress of this?
Speaker 2:relationship Most definitely Okay, but also, I did not have access to my own money, so she didn't want me to be able to go anywhere without her, right, so I can't go get food without her or go to see a movie without her or get a bus pass without her, like there's. She had my wallet, my debit cards, everything I couldn't get into my own stuff, and they didn't have tap to pay on your phone or anything like that, or at least I didn't. I don't know if that was a thing then, but yeah, so I had no money on me almost always, like she had it, so I would walk to work. I'm working, like I said, three to midnight after having gone to class, and I haven't eaten all day having gone to class and I haven't eaten all day.
Speaker 1:By the time I come home, it's midnight. You were literally starving. And then when I think about this yeah, when I think about this, I think about, like, the fact that you're not getting enough nutrition for your brain to even like work properly, on top of being in a situation like that where you're in fight or flight, where your brain doesn't want or doesn't have the capacity to work properly anyway, outside of just surviving.
Speaker 2:That's insane, one of the saddest things, like I still hate thinking about it. But, like you know, when you go to gas stations they have like the roller grill food and the little like hot things that they put, and so they put that stuff out and then you're supposed to throw it away after X amount of time. And I would always want to be the person to throw it away, because I would bag everything up into a separate trash bag, hide it behind the dumpster and then go eat it before I went home.
Speaker 2:So, I was literally eating expired food out of the trash to get food, because I couldn't do anything like groceries. We would go and get groceries together, but I'm never home to eat it. Or when I do get home, she's eaten the thing that I set aside for myself already because she's home all day.
Speaker 1:This part haunts me and is so sad, because she was literally starving. She was working a job, going to college, walking miles every day and still had no access to her own food or money. She was hiding expired food behind the dumpster just so she could eat something. Oh, my god, let's just call it what it is financial abuse. It's not someone being controlling with money. It's the deliberate removal of resources so a survivor has no other option but to stay. It's using someone's basic needs like food, transportation and access to their own income as weapons of control. And then, when you layer that with emotional abuse, isolation, gaslighting, paranoia, constant surveillance, it's not a relationship, that's prison. And, like I said, kiana's brain was already in survival mode, her body starving, her emotions completely controlled by whether or not her partner was pleased.
Speaker 1:And yet so many survivors, so many of us don't realize that this is abuse, because there were no punches thrown, there was no hospital visit, no police report, just invisible wounds and silent suffering. This story hurts, and it should, because it's real and it might be happening to someone right now who doesn't even know how to name it. Yet. I'm just, I'm trying. I'm not saying anything because I'm trying to, like, digest this, this is, this is insane and I'm, I'm so, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2:Wow, it's wild to talk about. I feel like my therapist barely knows these details Um, my current therapist anyway but I I don't think about it too much and that's why I was like when I'm writing my notes down to you, it was like holy cow Cause. I remember the day that I put on those size zero pants, Like they were actually an extra pair of jeans that she had from when she was smaller, and I don't know why I was putting clothes on, trying things on nothing I had fit and I put them on and I'm like holy shit, I don't know if I can swear, Holy crap, they are a size zero and I'm in them. Like if I were to send you a picture right now of what I looked like, I looked like a bobblehead. My head was so big.
Speaker 1:I do want to see so little.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I will send you the pictures of them and it's I barely recognize myself. I look dead in the eyes, like you can see me smiling in my pictures. You can see anybody who knows what that looks like can see the dead in my eyes. Yes, I look back on those pictures and I'm like, oh my God, I'm sad for that girl that I'm looking at, because I remember what that was like. It's so ugly I can't even.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, it's something that you never forget it's there's. I always think that there's there's such a clear and distinctive before and after, and the reason for that is because you will literally never be the same person that you were entering that relationship.
Speaker 2:Mm, hmm.
Speaker 1:Like that person is gone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she died for sure in that.
Speaker 1:Could you imagine losing weight and it not being something that you want to celebrate Like how? How layered of an experience is that? I shared that part where Kiana's talking about putting on size zero jeans on my social media and it's insane the response I got of how many other women identified with her Like these jeans were a size zero. But in that moment it wasn't a proud one for her. It wasn't a look at me moment I'm feeling great, you know like it was a gut punch for her, a moment of realization that her body was literally disappearing under the weight of what she was surviving. She was being erased. That's heavy to say out loud. She looked at herself and she didn't recognize the girl staring back.
Speaker 1:So this is just part one of Kiana's story and already I know it's a lot. It's heavy, but it's real, and I'm so grateful for her to sit in this with us, for going back to a place that most people would rather forget, so that you, listening on the other side of this episode, you don't feel like you're the only one, and next week we'll continue this conversation and go deeper into what comes next, what survival looked like, how healing began and what freedom really means for Kiana after this and if you're still here listening, thank you. Thank you for holding space for Kiana and for honoring her story and for choosing to not look away. And if this brought up things for you, please, please, take care of yourself, step outside, drink some water. Journal about what came up. Text a friend who gets it. Join the Survivor Sisterhood on Facebook link in the show notes below, because you're not meant to carry this alone. I'll be back next Friday with part two, but until then, keep breaking the silence and don't forget the world is a better place because you're in it.
