Dismissed True Stories
Dismissed True Stories is a survivor-led podcast that dares to break the silence around domestic violence, emotional abuse, and toxic relationships. Each episode shares the raw, unfiltered realities of what abuse really looks like. From overlooked red flags to moments of escape, and everything in between.
Created by a survivor-turned-advocate with a broadcasting background, DTS is where stories once silenced are now spoken. Loudly, honestly, and without apology. We’re not here to sensationalize abuse; we’re here to humanize survivors.
You’ll hear from survivors finding their voices, families forever changed by loss, and organizations working to support healing and recovery. Sometimes, it’s one survivor passing the mic to another with a piece of advice that could change or.. save a life.
But DTS isn’t just about telling stories of survival. Each episode's commentary helps you decode your own story, make sense of your experiences, and see the patterns you might have missed while in survival mode.
The tone? Like talking with a trusted friend. No fluff. Just truth.
Whether you're navigating narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, or coercive control or you're in the process of rebuilding your self-worth and healing your trauma this space is for you.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is finally tell your own story.
Survivor-led. Heart-led. Truth-led.
#DismissedTrueStories | A podcast for survivors and victims, by survivors.
Dismissed True Stories
Surviving Your Darkest Days: Keyanna's Story PT 2
In part two of Keyanna's story, we dive deep into the darkest moments of her abusive relationship when isolation and control led to self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and her fight for survival.
• Keyanna describes how severe isolation and emotional abuse led to self-harm as she struggled with no resources or support system
• Her abuser weaponized her pain and mental health struggles against her, publicly shaming her instead of offering support
• After a violent physical assault where she was choked unconscious, Keyanna reached her breaking point
• Keyanna shares her suicide attempt and the complex emotions of feeling trapped with no escape
• Despite being hospitalized and revealing the abuse, her abuser was allowed to participate in her treatment meetings
• Her family ultimately helped end the relationship, though they had been unaware of the severity of the abuse
• Years later, Keyanna discovered her ex was imprisoned for attempting to murder another girlfriend
• Now nearly 11 years self-harm free, Keyanna views each day of recovery as reclaiming her freedom
• Her advice to others in abusive situations: find just one trusted person to tell your story to
If you're struggling with thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. You are not alone, and help is available.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 OR text begin to 88788
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Hey, it's Elissa. Welcome back to Dismissed True Stories. Just real quick, before we begin today's episode, I want to offer a very clear trigger warning. This episode contains conversations about self-harm, suicidal thoughts and emotional abuse. So if you're not in a place to hear that today, please, please, take care of yourself first and you can come back whenever you're ready, or you can skip this episode entirely. Please put yourself first and take care of yourself. You come first, always.
Speaker 1:So in last week's episode we began part one of Kiana's story. She walked us through the early stages of her relationship, where the manipulation started small, through things like isolation, love, bombing and just a very slow erosion of her independence. We talk about how abusers will study you, mirror your desires and build a false sense of safety before the control begins. And Kiana shared how, once she moved away from her support system to go to school, the abuse escalated emotionally, financially, psychologically and physically. She described what it felt like to live in survival mode and how, even in a moment where she wanted to leave, she couldn't because she had no money, no resources and nowhere to go.
Speaker 1:So today, in part two, we're going to go deeper. Kiana opens up about the darkest parts of that relationship, when the pressure and isolation led to self-harm, when her cries of help were turned against her and what it looked like to be emotionally suffocated by someone who claimed to love her. This episode is heavy, but it's also very real, and in the telling of that there is so much power. So you said that you started and let me know if you're ready to talk about this but you said that you were self-harming at this time because you were in a deep depression and every little fight that you had would lead to self-harming.
Speaker 2:Yes, so I dealt with depression. I feel like a lot of my life. I just didn't realize it was depression. Maybe, but being in such a dark place already where I'm stuck with this person barely talking to my friends or family, away from home, no way to get home, and every time we're arguing or I'm stressed out I'm. You know, some people drink, some people smoke, for whatever reason. It probably was all that pent up frustration and I, not knowing what to do with it, just started cutting. I don't know if you put trigger warnings on this, but it's. You know, I had, you know, the razors that you shave with. It started just literally taking the razor and just slicing across my leg because nobody would see my leg, you know, top of my thighs, and it got really bad. I still have scars, actually, from that, and that was, however, many years at this point ago.
Speaker 2:I mean, if I knew that I did something that was going to disappoint her, right, like she was graduating from a GED program down there, right, and I obviously didn't have a car, I was waiting for my mom to come and pick me up to take me to this ceremony, and whatever my mom was doing, she was taking forever. And I'm looking at the clock like I'm missing it. I'm missing it, I'm missing it. She's going to freak out. There's no like this is going to be monumentally horrible. And I'm in the bathroom, crying hysterically. I'm self-harming. My mom finally gets there, we get to the place and it's over. She's so upset. I mean she's trying to be chill because my mom is there.
Speaker 2:And I can see it in her face, like I can feel those vibes coming off of her, like I know the second we're alone, this is going to be horrible. So I'm like, okay, well, we're going to go with my mom and she took us to eat and we went to her friend's house and I'm like let's just hang out with my mom because I did not want to go home.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I mean, we I don't actually didn't even wait until we got home. When we got to her friend's house, we went outside. And that's when I knew right, so we go outside. Because I'm like, okay, well, you want to go out here.
Speaker 2:So here we are and she starts asking me where were you, what were you doing? Why didn't you get there on time? And I tried to explain to her. You know, I had to wait for my mom. And she's telling me well, you could have got a bus pass. You could have gotten on any of these buses and made it here. How am I supposed to get a bus pass when you have my money? But that's not logical, right For her, not logical.
Speaker 2:I was supposed to somehow come up with a $1.50 random change and hop on a bus, on a system I don't know that much about, and get to this place on time. There was no way I could have made that happen. And it's she's yelling at me, but trying not to be super loud because we're outside and they're right there in the house. You could see the window. I don't know why nobody came out while she was yelling. They probably just trying to mind their own business. But she's yelling at me about how I should have been there, I should have done this and that and the other thing, and at this point I'm crying hysterically, I'm super upset and I'm bleeding through my pants, and I didn't realize it.
Speaker 2:So then, she sees that and you caught yourself earlier, yes, so then she freaks out because I'm bleeding through my pants. She's yelling for my mom and I'm begging her obviously not to get my mom Like we got to figure something else out. We could do literally anything. I will run home at this point because I don't want my mom to come out here. And of course she comes out. She's yelling about me cutting myself. She's yelling that I'm insane and all of these things, and I'm like, oh my God, like how do I get out of this?
Speaker 1:So your ex was the one yelling, not your mom, right?
Speaker 2:Yes, my ex was the one yelling to my mom that I had cut myself. I'm bleeding out here, I'm insane, I'm self-harming, all these things. And my mom is a complicated relationship I've had with her for quite a long time and at this point in my life we were barely like barely mother and daughter. So I think she didn't want to cause any more of a rift, so she didn't make like a huge deal out of it. She took me in her friend's house let me clean up. We never spoke of it, she never said anything. Her friend's house, let me clean up. We never spoke of it. She never said anything about it. We never spoke about it again until later in the story where she finds out you know where some of these things started. I feel like I personally found out where some of these things started, because it wasn't necessarily the abuse in the relationship. That's a huge part of it. But there were things from my childhood that were played a part of the depression and other traumas that I have and can't blame it all on that.
Speaker 1:But oh my God, I really don't know what to say here, except for what you just heard is what it looks like when pain has nowhere to go, when the pressure is so constant, so suffocating, that your nervous system literally just starts to turn in on itself. Kiana was isolated, trapped, financially controlled, emotionally terrorized, and in situations like that your body will just start screaming for some sort of release, and sometimes self-harm becomes the tragic way to cope. And it's not because it makes any kind of sense logically, but it's because it gives your pain a place to land. It's like, I don't know, hurting yourself physically feels better than the mental and emotional anguish that you're feeling. At the time, I mean, she was grieving a relationship while she was still in it, trying to be enough for someone who weaponized every single moment against her, and I don't want to miss this part either, because this part really bothered me as I was listening back while editing. But when her pain showed, when her self-harm literally bled through her pants, her abuser didn't offer to care. Her abuser didn't offer any sort of empathy, she just used it as another weapon against her. That is so wrong Shaming her, exposing her and trying to paint her as unstable when she was already in survival mode. She was trying to survive her. This is what coercive control looks like. This is how trauma layers itself, and this is why healing isn't just about getting away from your abuser. It's about healing everything in your life that has ever told you that this is what love should look like.
Speaker 1:I do wonder, though, with your ex like, were you all she had? Did she not have a supportive family? Like? What was her reasoning for being so attached and isolating and controlling? When you hear me ask questions like this, like about her background and about her motivations, her patterns, it's not to give her a pass, it's to understand the why. If you're like me, you're probably trying to psychoanalyze this person. I mean, sometimes, when you've been through abuse, you just want the answers to questions that don't have clean explanations. You want to know did something happen to them? Were they broken before they broke me? Why were they so desperate to control everything? That kind of curiosity isn't about letting them off the hook. It's about making sense of chaos, I guess.
Speaker 2:Essentially, so, yeah, that was the other thing. She had a terrible family. Her mom is still, to this day, one of the worst people that I know like. She's awful and she had some siblings, two brothers and a sister, all younger than her, um, but her being her the only lesbian masculine, they like to pick on her a lot. They were not very kind to her and there were some traumas in their own family that hadn't been dealt with. That definitely played a part in all of their nonsense and why she was the way that she was. I'm sure I just didn't take that into consideration at the time. I guess I just was trying to be a good girlfriend and be there for her and try to make her mom like me. So her mom would be nicer and that was not. That did not work.
Speaker 1:Well, it's never. It's never your responsibility either, you know to fill those holes and those gaps in somebody like that's their responsibility. Yeah, but you were young too, I wouldn't. I didn't know, I didn't know it wasn't their responsibility. Yeah, but you were young too, I wouldn't, I didn't know, I didn't know, it wasn't my responsibility.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I feel like growing up I watched, you know, my grandma make everybody else's things her responsibility. But she was a grandma at the time. She had had her children and her grandchildren. She took us on, you know, when my mom wasn't able to and I feel like I internalized a lot of that I was like, all right, I'm going to be the save, I'm going to save everybody that I can. I'm still doing that to this day.
Speaker 1:I still struggle with trying to fix problems that aren't mine Same and it's like and the thing is too, is that, is that like? I know that I get that from my mother, but it's generational, because it's definitely passed down from my grandmother too. That's interesting. Are you ready to talk about the personality disorder?
Speaker 2:Yes, we can get into that. Okay, yes, we can get into that. Um, okay, I don't even really know how to get into it outside of her telling me that yeah, so let's talk about the other person.
Speaker 1:You said that the other person that she identified as was male. And this male would get extremely aggressive. He only seemed to show up when she was really upset, and that's when she would attack you she would attack you.
Speaker 2:Yes, so I wish I could remember his name. I feel like I only remember saying him and that's probably just because I never wanted to call out whoever it was. Right, like kind of like Voldemort, you know you don't want to say their name. Right, like kind of like Voldemort, you know you don't want to say their name. Yeah, the fear of appearing.
Speaker 1:Such a complicated line between mental illness and abuse, because mental illness is not a free pass to abuse someone, but at the same time, it's not like we completely understand if we can't identify with what they're going through, and that may be part of the story here, sure, but it's not the reason that someone manipulates, controls or harms another person. What often happens in abusive relationships, though, is that survivors feel guilty for having boundaries, because they've been made to feel like the abuser's emotions are just their well-being is actually their responsibility, and it's not, um, I think. I think we know that, but I think that it's also worth saying that it's not because you can hold compassion for someone's pain without accepting their harm like I mentioned earlier, it was like a switch where you close your eyes.
Speaker 2:A couple minutes go by, you wake up. You're enraged, right, and there were times where she's just lunging you know what I mean. Like they just lunge at you and she's swinging her arms. She's hitting me, slapping me, biting me, scratching me, like doesn't. You're not even saying words, you're just attacking like an animal which makes no sense, like one of the worst times which I think I put in the thing that I sent you Swear. I don't know how it started. I don't even feel like we were having an argument, it was a conversation we were having. I said something in the conversation that she did not like. She stepped out of the room, I remember because we were in my mom's old apartment in this town. She stepped into another room it was my brother's room at the time. Nobody was home, it was just me and her. And then she comes back into the room and she just punches me and I'm like, oh my God, like did not expect it.
Speaker 1:Where did she punch you? I had no idea that this was going to happen In my face.
Speaker 2:She punched me right in the face and I was like so at this point now, cause I was on sitting on the bed waiting for her, and so I fell and I'm shielding I'm just shielding myself and she is punching me and punching me.
Speaker 2:She's grabbing me by the hair, she's dragging me through the room. She had grabbed and held onto my hair and was just punching my face, my neck, my arms, like everywhere, and I think she got so frustrated that I'm trying to shield myself that she had ripped my arms away and started choking me. So that was the point where she's standing over me, I'm on the ground, she is choking me and I am losing consciousness, thinking this is a moment, I'm dead, my mom's going to come home, I'm going to be dead on the floor and I don't know where she's even going to be. Like what if she kills my mom? What if she kills my brother? Because she's in this rage and I have no idea. All of this over a conversation, it wasn't even an argument, it was nothing like major. I don't even remember what I said, but I remember that moment of trying to come to terms with this is how I'm going to die On the floor in this shitty apartment where I just away from everyone.
Speaker 1:Wow, what do I even say to this? Because this one hurts. There's a moment in abuse I must be losing my voice. There's a moment in abuse where something inside of you just goes dark, something just I don't know. It stops talking, it goes quiet, and it's not because the pain has stopped, but because fighting it starts to feel pointless. Because fighting it starts to feel pointless, you stop dreaming of escape, you stop believing that things will change and instead you start asking yourself is this it? Is this the kind of love that I was meant for? Is this how my story ends? And that's the moment when the abuse stops being something that's happened to you and starts becoming something that you're emotionally absorbing as your identity. And it's not just physical violence anymore, it's soul erosion. And this happens to so many survivors. I think of the part described it fully for me, because when someone chips away at your worth for long enough, eventually you're going to start believing the lie.
Speaker 2:I don't know how long I was out for because I did blackout. When I woke up I was on the floor. I could barely move from all of the punching. I don't know if she continued to hit me after I was knocked out. I have no idea what happened to my body. I get up. I'm like so sore my mom is still not here. I'm bleeding, so I just get in the shower and try to wash everything up, clean everything up, try and put band-aids and makeup and whatever I could, because my mom is going to be home at some point, I don't know when. So I'm just rushing to try to make myself look as normal as possible and it just my mom did not come home before she got back, so she got back and was looking at me like what happened to you?
Speaker 1:This is just one of those episodes where I feel like I could butt in every five seconds and talk to you about a genuine what the fuck? Moment. But this is one of them that I'm going to say what the fuck? Because this moment where Kiana wakes up after being beaten and then her abuser looks at her and asks what happened to you, that's more than just chilling, it's destabilizing. I have cold chills even saying that word, and it's just something that so many survivors experience.
Speaker 1:The person who just hurt you acts like nothing happened. We heard it in Lauren's story in the first season. They either truly don't remember or they pretend not to, and either way, you're the one left holding all of the pain and all of the confusion. And this can happen for two reasons, maybe a few reasons. Some abusers they enter such like intense rages that they dissociate like I think you've probably heard of the term narcissist eyes. It's just like when their eyes go completely black and there's like nothing behind them. They lose time memory connections to their actions during this time. But um, others can pretend that they don't remember just as a way to avoid accountability and maybe even deepen your self-doubt a little bit, and in either case, the result will be the same. It's that you're going to start questioning your own reality.
Speaker 2:What's going on and I'm like, are you insane? You literally just beat the crap out of me just now. I don't even know how long it's been. I just woke up. It took her maybe 30 minutes of me waking up. Between the time I woke up on the floor, took my shower and everything.
Speaker 2:30 minutes from that point is when she got back before my mom and she's like looking over my body. So she's taking my clothes off, looking at my body, looking how red I am, seeing my cuts, seeing my bruises, and even though I'm dark, I feel like those bruises showed up so fast and maybe that is a part of I shouldn't have taken a shower with hot water. I should have been taking cold showers and ice packs and I didn't do any of that. But I was visibly red, swollen, crying, and she's trying to console me. Now she's trying to tell me oh my gosh, I can't believe I did this to you. I can't believe this happened and I'm like just completely in confusion and awe that this is real life right now. You just almost killed me and you're coming in here acting like you have no idea what just happened. Never in these switches that she would have has she ever come back and not knew what happened, cause this had happened before, just not as severely. But she knew what happened when it was over. This time she acted like nothing, like she had no idea, and then she got so upset with herself that she runs out the door again and I can't even chase after her because I feel like I can barely move.
Speaker 2:My mom comes home again, has no idea, isn't paying attention or doesn't care, I don't know. She doesn't say anything about what I look like. I get in the car with her to go to the store, just leaving. I'm like whatever, we'll lock the door If she gets here. Too bad. We're driving down the highway. There she is standing on the side of the highway with the police. I don't know why they stopped her. If it there she is standing on the side of the highway with the police. I don't know why they stopped her. If it's because she was walking on the highway and you're not supposed to do that.
Speaker 2:I have still I have no idea why they stopped her. My mom did end up going to get her later that evening Cause they held her for a little bit. She had a violent past already, so anytime a police officer was involved they were automatically like okay, well, she's high risk or whatever. It is Like they're on higher alert because when they get her ID and run it and see that she has all of these charges she had had scuffles with the police before, so they're on edge with her. And my mom didn't even stop, she just kept on driving and we went to the store, waited for her to call me and I told her like we got to go get her. And my mom actually went without me to go and get her and brought her back Because I couldn't move, I was just. I laid and laid and laid for days.
Speaker 1:I missed work because of that. Oh my God.
Speaker 2:And I will never forget going back to that gas station and my bosses being like what the hell happened to you, Like what happened to you and who do we need to go?
Speaker 1:again. Why was this a question from your bosses and not from your mom? I'm sorry to ask that question, but that is what immediately popped up.
Speaker 2:Your guess is as good as mine. I feel like my mom. She went through her own abusive relationships, so maybe she felt like she needs to stay out of my business, or it'll be worse for me If she's still struggling with her own traumas of having dealt with an abuser she doesn't want to make it worse? I have no idea that's something we have not addressed to this day.
Speaker 1:I hope you're able to one day, though, because you deserve to know.
Speaker 2:I hope you're able to one day, though, because you deserve to know. I feel like at this point, I'm not even sure if I care to know I should, but that's one of those things I've had to work on with resentment, along with a few other things. When it comes to her, she did what she could with what she had, and she's way better now. She would never do that. Now we have come to a 10 times better place than we have ever been in my life, and so I'm just thankful for that, and I don't I'm not even, I don't even want to go back and rehash it all. It's not, it's almost not worth it to me, because I've tried to come to peace with the entire situation and my life myself. Right, I've had many different therapies and medication. I'm currently on a medication, I'm currently seeing a therapist and I'm just dealing. You know I deal with it my own way, in my own time, and it's not anybody else's job to try and make me feel better can I ask you a question, though?
Speaker 1:sure, when you were laying there after you had to shower and clean yourself up and put makeup on to cover your bruises, or in the days after, when you couldn't move, what were the thoughts that were going through your head?
Speaker 2:I wish she would have killed me. I wish she would have killed me. That was a big one, because I felt like there really is no escaping because, like I said, my mom said nothing and she was the only one that was close enough in vicinity to reach. So it's like, even if I was running from her because she was trying to stab me to death or shoot me or whatever, what's my mom going to do? Right, like it just felt like I had no escape. No, nothing, I had nothing.
Speaker 1:I need you to stop what you're doing right now and listen to every single word that's about to come out of my mouth, especially if you identify with what Kiana was just talking about. There is life after this. There is life after abuse. There are days where you will be able to breathe without flinching, where you won't have to cover your bruises anymore, where you will be free to exist without apology, without fear, and you didn't deserve what happened to you or what is currently happening to you and surviving it, that's the bravest thing you have ever done.
Speaker 2:And I just continuously thought about how I had nothing and I wish I had never met her and I wish that she had killed me in that moment, so then at least I'd be at peace and everybody could just mourn me and get on with their life and I'd never have to deal with anybody again. That's the thing that continuously replayed in my mind and that is what eventually led to me actually attempting, because I just felt so alone and so disgusted that I would even allow something like that right, like why didn't I do more? Why didn't I fight harder? How could I have let her overpower me like that? And I feel like especially because she's not a man and this might sound weird to say but like I feel like other people when they think about same-sex relationships. And you know she got beat up by a woman and she's also a woman who cares. You know it's not the same, or it doesn't feel as large as a man doing it, because typically a man's usually going to be taller than you, bigger than you. He already has the advantage right off the bat.
Speaker 2:And for me now granted, like you said, I had no food. My brain isn't working right. My body's already struggling to just do the bare minimum of walking to work and then standing there. Of course I wasn't gonna be able to fight her off. I didn't have any muscle, I didn't have any anything. And she's working out and freaking, playing basketball with these fools and eating all the food in the house. So I couldn't have. Possibly I couldn't have. Possibly I would have had to have some kind of weapon and there was no time for that Because, like I said, she went into the other room. I'm thinking she's getting something. I had no idea that what I said triggered her so hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And she just came in swinging Slow, like you just walk in the room slow and punch me right in the face and then immediately you're punching and punching, and punching. All I can do is shield. I have no way to fight back anymore. I'm in a ball.
Speaker 2:But yeah, so in those days after that's, all I could think was I wish she had killed me, and it was probably, I want to say, a month or two before I actually attempted. So it had gotten to a point where I wasn't even speaking to my mom. I wasn't speaking to anybody. I was hardly speaking to my friends and it was only through text when I could at work and delete it so that she didn't know I was texting anybody. Cause she took my phone every day. Every day, when I came home from work, I get a scroll through of my phone to see what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, what's going on. And there was one day where she had an appointment. I don't even know what kind of appointment it was, but someone, I think like her social worker or therapist, whatever, came to get her and they went to the appointment. Cool, it's a day off, I don't have to work, I'm laying there like I don't care about anything.
Speaker 2:I don't care about anything and I actually have a picture, which is really sad. I took a picture right before. I don't know why. Maybe it was like this is the last picture I want to take and I want it to be cute or you can put this on my obituary or whatever. But I got my little Mac and I set it up and I took my picture, wrote a letter on my Mac as well, left it like that in the room, like that in the room, and she had these pills I think it was lithium or something that's supposed to be a mood stabilizer and I just thought screw it, threw the whole bottle back. Then I thought, maybe that's not enough, threw some Tylenol, just as much as I could without throwing up.
Speaker 2:When it got to a point of feeling like, okay, I'm going to throw up, I stopped and I cried. I locked myself in my room and I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and then I don't know what possessed me. I thought you know what, maybe I don't want anybody to find me in here. I left the house. I just started walking. I'm just walking down the sidewalk, thinking, okay, eventually I'll pass out, I'll be here in the forest somewhere and maybe they'll find me. Maybe they won't, who cares? I just didn't want anybody to come home and save me.
Speaker 1:Can you imagine the kind of rock bottom that feels like you can't even imagine surviving one more day of abuse, that you would rather end it all yourself? This feeling Tragically. Common Studies have shown that survivors of intimate partner violence are at a significantly increased risk of suicide. In fact, victims of domestic violence are more than three times likely to attempt suicide compared to those who haven't experienced abuse and, according to the CDC, over half of all female victims of homicide had experienced intimate partner violence prior to their death. And that is not a coincidence. That is a crisis.
Speaker 2:I guess, like if she got home before I was actually dead. Now there's a chance. I'm not going to be dead and I really want to be dead, so I'm walking into the middle of nowhere. I have not okay, take your time told this part of my story like actually in detail ever, so it's hard to rehash that part. Um, I don't know how or why, or maybe she got an inkling, but my bestie calls while I'm walking this forest and she could tell something was wrong, because I'm like slurring and I don't even know how I sound to her, you know, and she freaks out, calls my other best friend. They both get on the phone with their parents, their parents get on the phone with my grandparents. It was like a game of telephone where everybody's calling and calling and calling each other and she's on the phone with me, like well, what's going on, like what's happening, and I finally just fessed up and I told her I was like I love you so much, but I don't want to be here anymore and I've decided I don't want to be here anymore. I've decided I don't want to be here anymore. I've already started my process. I hope you can find peace with this, because I have found peace with it at this point, right, and she's begging me to go back to my house. She's begging me and begging me, and begging me. And at this point I'm like you know what, who cares? I've already told her I might not even make it back to my house, because I feel like I'm made of rock. And I do make it back to my house. So I just walked back and I lay in my bed and I'm starting to drift off at this point, right, so I'm laying in the bed. I'm like all right, this is it for me. Cool, I feel content.
Speaker 2:I turned my phone off by the time I got back to the house because I was just didn't want to talk to anybody anymore. And I remember, as I'm falling asleep, hearing the front door. So the police are here, the ambulance is here, the fire people are here, like everybody's at this apartment, but I am already falling asleep. They burst into my door. They're doing whatever they're doing. I have no idea, because I don't even remember that part. I remember a little bit of the ambulance ride and then being at the hospital and then throwing up my guts Like they shoved there's like the sludge, charcoal, whatever that they had me drink or they put into my stomach. I do not even remember how I drank it and was just throwing up and throwing up, and throwing up and throwing up.
Speaker 2:And everybody's there at this point. She's there, my grandma's there, my mom is there, my brother's there, everybody's there at this point. She's there, my grandma's there, my mom is there, my brother's there and my best friends are there. Like everybody is at this hospital and I don't even know what's. I'm just like why, what? Why? Why? I was so upset. My grandma was so upset that she was like yelling at me, like if I wanted to kill myself or she wanted to kill herself, she would know how to do it properly. Like she was that upset. She never said any sideways thing like that to me before, but she was obviously afraid and so upset that she's yelling and I start screaming at her.
Speaker 2:You don't understand, nobody understands. Everybody get the out of my room, like freaking out to the point where now the hospital people have to come in. Everybody's got to get out because I'm hysterical and I'm begging them to not sedate me because now they're like okay, well, if you don't chill out, we're going to have to sedate you and I'm terrified. That's like my worst fear to have these medical doctors sedating me, heck, no, like it's one thing for me to do it, but you guys I don't trust Absolutely not. And it was just. It was so shitty and eventually I got to a regular room cause this was in like the emergency area. So then they put me into a regular room where I could have visitors and everybody kind of came in and nobody. I got plenty of whys right and I tried to just brush it off Like you just don't understand. I hate living, I hate life, I hate everything. But the whole time I actually had everything written down in that letter, everything written down in that letter, all of the traumas that I had endured in secret, both childhood and current, on that laptop in my room.
Speaker 2:So my partner then comes home she was actually the one I got to rewind a little bit because I said she was at the hospital. She did go to the hospital but she went back home first and my roommates had locked the door. So she's banging on the door Like somebody. Let me in. They cracked the door open and are, like Kiana's not here. She just went to the hospital and ambulance and shut the door. None of my family told you know, was giving a crap to let her know what was going on. I don't even know how she got to the hospital was giving her crap to let her know what was going on. I don't even know how she got to the hospital, I have no idea, but she made it there and everybody obviously was looking at her like you shouldn't be here. Why are you here? You're obviously the cause of this because you're the only one that's been around her for all this time. We were together for like a year and some.
Speaker 1:I found her for all this time. We were together for like a year and some, and that was just. She stayed with me too. She stayed with me there in the hospital because I had to have a suicide watch person. So I had a. The person whose violence helped push her to the edge of life and death stayed with her in the hospital, and to an outsider that might look like love. It might even make the survivor second guess themselves. Make the survivor second guess themselves. If she was really abusive, why is she here? Maybe she does care, maybe she didn't mean it. But here's the truth. Abuse is not just cruelty. It's confusion, heavy on the confusion. It's the constant back and forth between I love you and I'm hurting you, between violence and tenderness, between terror and comfort. It's what makes it so hard to leave. That's what makes it so hard to trust yourself, and this kind of moment where the abuser swoops in to care for you after causing you harm is often part of the cycle.
Speaker 2:She stayed in the hospital every night until they finally were like okay, I think I was there for two or three days before they decided, okay, we're going to put you in psych. And I started freaking out like no way, and it was either they put me in or I signed myself in. But they didn't tell me that if I signed myself in, I couldn't sign myself out. My mom had to sign me out because I freaked out, I pulled my IV out of my arm, I was trying to leave the hospital and they were like either we sedate you and we put you in or you chill out, excuse me, and you sign yourself in, which seems illegal to me.
Speaker 1:Did your ex find the letter on your computer?
Speaker 2:She did, but she didn't say anything. Okay, she didn't say anything. It wasn't until I was being forced into psych. My mom came to get my things because I couldn't have anything in there and she's all why, why, whatever. And I'm like did nobody read the letter that I wrote? Go into my house, open up my computer. There's no password, no password. You could just see it's right there. I left it up. It's not like I closed it out. I left it up so that as soon as someone opened the computer, it's right there. So she did go to my house and find that letter and she did read it.
Speaker 2:I feel like that should have put perspective into her mind. Yeah, and maybe she was afraid that I would try again because I was in there for longer than I should have been. In my opinion. I couldn't keep any food down while I was in there, so they also thought that I was like bulimic or something like that, like I have extra things happening. They're trying to give me medicine for that and really it's just nerves. It's nerves. I'm terrified of this place. I'm rooming with a person who's got her own thing going on. An adult psych ward is scary Like it is not happy, fun time and just full of people that only tried to kill themselves, as people that tried to kill other people. As people that have multiple personalities. Schizophrenia, all of it.
Speaker 1:I guess we're all just down here.
Speaker 2:I never really thought about it like that, especially people who tried to kill other people yeah, like and it's, of course, only people who tried to kill other people with their mental illness and they haven't been tried and whatnot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's where they're kept before they don't put them in a general jail that's terrifying, that's downright terrifying, yeah yeah, and I don't know if it's just that specific area that I was in that city or if it's the state or how it works, but that's how it was when I was there, and I was there for, I think, a month or more and my first couple of weeks I had meetings with my therapist, the doctor, group, therapy, outside time, whatever, but they were making notes and then they would meet with my mom to be like, okay, so what do we think? Do we think she should get released? Do you think she should stay longer? Nobody's consulting me. They're all consulting each other and I'm sitting in these meetings like hello, I'm right here and we're talking about me like I'm not here. And my partner is also in these meetings, despite my mom having read this letter.
Speaker 2:Yes, despite my mom having read this letter and seeing what was going on, she still allowed her to come with in these meetings. She brought her with to these meetings.
Speaker 1:Not only did her abuser read the letter, she still showed up at the hospital and, instead of being kept away, like she should have been, instead of being held accountable like she should have been, she was invited into the room, allowed to sit in on discussions about Kiana's mental health, about her care, about her release. And just to be clear, this isn't just wildly inappropriate, this is dangerous, this is re-traumatizing and it's a massive failure on every adult who should have been protecting Kiana. When survivors say they feel invisible, that they feel dismissed, this is why, when they say they can't trust the system, this is why Because, even after nearly dying, even after laying everything out in writing, her abuser still had access.
Speaker 2:Her abuser still had access still had a voice and still had a seat at the table. So they're all having their little powwows of how I should stay here and I swear to God, I swear. I feel like that's the only reason I was there for as long as I was Was because she already, when I was self-harming you remember her screaming to my mom that I was insane and that I'm self-harming. So now she's putting it into the doctor. Well, she has the history of self-harm and now she's a concerned partner that has been helping me this whole time and I'm like y'all are making me feel actually insane. Maybe I should just stay in here because I feel like it's this real fucking life. This cannot be real life. Were you ever able to like?
Speaker 1:present any type of like evidence or anything with your letter to the doctors.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:They would have had to bring my computer in and she never did. Nobody ever brought the computer in to there, and nobody. That was just their reasoning, right, like they just took it as like okay, that's her suicide letter, it's never going to see the light of day. Right, like, cause, she lived, she's not dead, we're just going to leave it there. Wow, I still, to this day, think I only got out because Thanksgiving was coming up and my mom was like I can't go home to Thanksgiving without Kiana or without me. Sorry, I said my name. No, it's okay. No, it's okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, so it was more like a look thing for her.
Speaker 2:You think that's?
Speaker 1:how I feel. Yeah, how deeply painful is it when your pain is minimized to protect someone else's reputation, when your mental health crisis becomes an inconvenience and when the question isn't is she safe? But how will this look? And it's especially complicated when it comes from a parent, because there's a part of you that still wants to be seen by them, that wants someone to say I failed you and I am so sorry. Okay, so I want to talk about when you were finally signed out of the mental hospital, or, um, what did you call it? A psych, a psychiatric hospital? Um, and you went home. You said that you ended up moving in with your grandmother. So you didn't go back. Did you drop out of school?
Speaker 2:Yes, and then cause I didn't even attend while I was in the hospital, obviously, and that was several months, so they just dropped me. So I say several, it was a couple of months, but I didn't know that. Shortly after everything had gone down, I know that my partner was living in that apartment but I couldn't, obviously pay rent because I wasn't working Right. So my grandparents came, packed up all my stuff, broke my lease and brought it home and I feel like so, when my mom was like okay, here comes Thanksgiving, I'm going to bring you. And I went straight home to them. I don't even know like, because my mom, when I got released, she obviously picked me up and had my partner dropped her off at her house and then took me home, and that was not quite the last I saw of her, but that was like they were ending it for me they were like you're not seeing her again.
Speaker 2:When I got back to my grandparents' house, my grandparents were like she is not allowed in this home, she is not allowed in this car. I don't want to hear her on the phone. That is it, you are done, there's no more. And I was devastated but also glad. It was almost relief more than devastation. It felt like I still had that fear of not being with her Right, because the good times were really good, insanely good, but the bad times match that Right. So then the bad times were in actual hell, and so it was a relief.
Speaker 2:It was, but I remember being hysterical and it is more of like you can't tell me what to do. I'm an adult but obviously I'm not stable enough at all. And looking back on it, they were a hundred percent. Where were you sooner? That should have happened way sooner. But how would they know? Yeah, if they were not there and I was barely talking to them? I don't know. I feel like my child. I'm going to pull up on you If I don't hear from you for X amount of time. I'm pulling up. What are you doing? Where are you? What's going on? Like? I need to see what's happening and know that you're alive.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm Agree.
Speaker 2:So yeah.
Speaker 1:So after this though you were relieved. You were in your healing era, guess um.
Speaker 2:But then you said it was yeah, she was still trying right, because I went back to work at the same place down the street from my house that I was working when I met her um, and there was another person there who he I had told him a little bit of my story, not a ton, um, and he had witnessed her skulking around the gas station since I'd come home because she wasn't allowed in my house, and so I had to explain what it was and what was going on. And he was the one who really encouraged me to cut all ties like to her face. I don't want to see you anymore, I don't want to talk to you anymore, because it was never.
Speaker 2:It never came from me. I never told her I'm not talking to you, I'm not whatever. Like, if she texted me, I'm going to text you, I will, even though my entire family was like no, I felt like I need to do what I need to do. I never saw her outside of me working there because I couldn't bring her home and I didn't have a car. I'm not going to walk to the other side of town. I wasn't that up there, but she would come to, she would walk from the other side of town to be at my job.
Speaker 2:So he was the one that was like you have to let this go. Like I promise you, like if you do this, I'll stand 10 toes down behind you, like he was so die hard, would not. Let me. Like he would tell her you got to get, you got to get out of here, yeah. So he's the one that actually encouraged me to stand 10 toes down myself and I did Long story short with that guy. I ended up marrying him and that was a whole other rollercoaster ride in itself that I'm not going to get into. That was a whole other roller coaster ride in itself that I'm not going to get into.
Speaker 2:But when I was newly married I'd say like a year in, maybe I get a phone call. I'm waiting to pick him up from work. So I'm in the car waiting for him to get out of work, minding my business, my phone's ringing. It's a number I don't know, I don't answer it, let it go to voicemail. And then I listen to the voicemail and it's you have a collect call from blah blah blah, women's prison. And I'm my mind is like oh, my freaking, you just know yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And then she didn't say her name. She said it's me Pick up the phone when they give you time to say your name or whatever it is. It was me pick up the phone and I you time to say your name or whatever it is. It was me pick up the phone and I didn't. Obviously because I'm listening to this as a voicemail and I start freaking out like I deleted the voicemail, I blocked the number, but then I had to look and you used to be able to look up people that were in the jail or in the prison. Yeah, and I did actually end up hearing through the grapevine because some of her friends were halfway in my circle, like I knew them, but not super well. So they actually told me that she was arrested for trying to set her girlfriend on fire in her sleep.
Speaker 1:I cannot believe that. You just told me that she was. You found out that she was. The reason that she was in prison was because she tried to catch her girlfriend on fire.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she tried to set her on fire, so it was attempted murder or something like that. She was away for a long time. I have no idea what happened to her. I don't know when she got out or how her life is now. But wow, that was it. It like blew my mind and I thought that really could have been my me, I mean, and it almost was me on more than one occasion where she almost tried to kill me and then I tried to kill myself, and it could have just gone back and forth until I actually was dead and thank god that the other girl was not dead oh my god, yeah, do you think it was the man, or do you think?
Speaker 1:do you think that was real?
Speaker 2:the medication made me feel like it was real, but maybe the manifestations were not as real, right, like maybe there were other voices or something, but not literally a switch in your brain where now you're actually a different person, because it was never consistent, like I said, where you're most of the time you remember, and then the one really horrible time you don't remember. That makes no sense, yeah, that makes no sense at all. And the randomness of that one horrible time where normally it was brought on by an argument, but this time it was a conversation and I said something you didn't like. That makes no sense. There was no warning to that one, so I feel like I only half believe it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a hard one. I only have struggled with my own mental illness, but like feeling with my own mental illness, but like feeling I don't know, I don't even know how to describe it. It's just, it's an insane thing, it's an insane story to tell. Hearing it coming out of my mouth again, it makes me feel like what the heck, like I really lived through that you did, you did.
Speaker 2:It's crazy, there's so many other women I know that have stories that are just as insane or even more insane, and the fact that we're all alive is phenomenal.
Speaker 1:The thing. The thing is is like I like to brief Victor on some of these stories before I go into an interview, because I like to know your story. So it's like kind of my way of practicing, like getting to know the story. And I said to him. I said I don't know why I'm always surprised, but I'm always surprised, yeah, it's insane, like each time I think that I've heard something, yeah, horrible. I think that I've heard something yeah Horrible. I think that I've heard something that yes, Can't possibly blow your mind anymore.
Speaker 2:And then you're just like oh okay, it gets 10 million times worse. It can get 10 billion times worse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm so glad that you're here and that yeah, I'm so glad that you're here and that you got to be.
Speaker 2:You get to be a mom to a beautiful healthy little boy and you get to live your life and discover what makes you happy and what brings you joy. Now, yeah, and I work on that every day. I work on that every day and keep track. Still, it's been almost 11 years self-harm free. That I'm like. Yes, I keep track of that for the most part, and it's just another small way I feel like I claim my freedom every day.
Speaker 2:Every day and I just got to keep on claiming it, keep on doing that, keep on putting in the work to be a better me and to learn from those ridiculous experiences that I've had. And I'm glad. I mean, I'm not glad for the experience, but I'm glad to be on the other side of it and able to learn from it.
Speaker 1:So there's one question that I ask everyone that comes on the podcast, and it is if you could give one piece of advice to any victim who may be listening that is still in an abusive situation.
Speaker 2:What piece of advice would you give them? That's a really hard question because it feels like anything I say is going to feel impossible in the moment, right, like if you're actively in an abusive relationship and I tell you, get out. That's way easier said than done. But maybe find a person because, like me, I was isolated, right. But if I had just sent a text or two maybe to my best friend or someone that I really trusted, that I knew would do something, or that would jumpstart some sort of action, or even just listen to me to have that backstory, to have my evidence, to have something, get a trusted person.
Speaker 2:Whoever you have around you I mean, I don't care if it's the person that works at the gas station by you, because that's the only place you're allowed to go to tell somebody, talk to somebody, anybody. Most of the time I feel like, especially now, most women are going to want to jump into action. Most women are going to want to help you. If somebody, a stranger, walked up to me today and was like I need help, I'm about to you, I will do whatever I can to help you. That's my two cents. Find a trusted person, find somebody who you think will listen Actually, not who you think will listen, because you probably think nobody will listen, but somebody will.
Speaker 1:Somebody will. Somebody will hear you but somebody will, somebody will, somebody will hear you. And it comes your support and your saving grace comes from the most unexpected places and faces, absolutely so don't, don't go excluding anyone. Just make sure that they're safe before you share. Yeah, that's a good one. Thank you so much for sharing your story and being here today. I am just in awe of you and the fight that you fight for yourself every day and your recovery. You are so strong.
Speaker 2:I don't know that you see it in yourself, but I see it in you, so thank you so much for still being here. Thank you for letting me come on here and share with you and tell the story for the first time. It was a good experience. I feel like a bit of a relief, honestly.
Speaker 1:What you just heard wasn't just a story. It was someone's life. It was survival. Kiana brought us into some of the darkest moments of her life, moments that no one should ever have to endure and she spoke with a kind of bravery that doesn't always feel loud, but is loud in impact and her willingness to tell the truth that saves lives. If you're listening right now and this story hit close to home, I just want to remind you that you do not have to carry this alone, Whether you're still in it or years removed. There's a place for you. If you're ready for community, we would love to welcome you inside the Survivor Sisterhood, our private Facebook group built by survivors for survivors. It's a safe place to be seen, heard and supported.
Speaker 1:And if this episode moved you, if it made you feel less alone or it helped you understand someone better, please take a moment to give this podcast five stars and leave a review. Your reviews help push these stories further. They help us reach more victims and survivors who are still out there searching for hope, who are still out there searching for hope. And we're also just 300 streams away from hitting 1,000 monthly downloads. That is a huge milestone, that makes us eligible for podcast sponsorships, and that means more resources, more stories, more impact. You can help get us there just by sharing this episode with someone who needs to hear it. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening with your heart. You are not alone. You were never crazy and you deserve a life that feels like freedom. Until next time, remember the world is a better place because you are in it.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
