Dismissed True Stories
Dismissed True Stories is a survivor-led podcast that dares to break the silence around domestic violence, emotional abuse, and toxic relationships. Each episode shares the raw, unfiltered realities of what abuse really looks like. From overlooked red flags to moments of escape, and everything in between.
Created by a survivor-turned-advocate with a broadcasting background, DTS is where stories once silenced are now spoken. Loudly, honestly, and without apology. We’re not here to sensationalize abuse; we’re here to humanize survivors.
You’ll hear from survivors finding their voices, families forever changed by loss, and organizations working to support healing and recovery. Sometimes, it’s one survivor passing the mic to another with a piece of advice that could change or.. save a life.
But DTS isn’t just about telling stories of survival. Each episode's commentary helps you decode your own story, make sense of your experiences, and see the patterns you might have missed while in survival mode.
The tone? Like talking with a trusted friend. No fluff. Just truth.
Whether you're navigating narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, or coercive control or you're in the process of rebuilding your self-worth and healing your trauma this space is for you.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is finally tell your own story.
Survivor-led. Heart-led. Truth-led.
#DismissedTrueStories | A podcast for survivors and victims, by survivors.
Dismissed True Stories
Kunta, Not Toby: Farah's Refusal To Break PT 1
"You don't need to see the whole path. Just take the next step." -Unknown
"It took me 34 years to feel safe within my home." These words from Farah stopped me in my tracks as we recorded this powerful conversation about survival, recognition, and healing after lifelong abuse.
This episode follows Farah's journey from a childhood marked by severe physical violence through two abusive relationships that left her questioning her worth and identity. With remarkable candor, she shares how she initially failed to recognize her experiences as abuse until a friend asked just the right questions and she began reading about narcissistic relationships. "The floodgates kind of just opened up," she explains, detailing that moment of clarity when she finally saw her past through unclouded eyes.
What makes Farah's story extraordinary isn't just what she survived, but her unwavering spirit through it all. Even as a child facing brutal corporal punishment, she refused to stay silent. Her siblings nicknamed her "Kunta" (from Roots) for her refusal to submit to mistreatment. That same fighting spirit eventually helped her create boundaries, make difficult choices, and finally establish a safe home for herself and her children.
Throughout our conversation, Farah offers profound insights into what healing actually looks like day-to-day. "Healing is a lifestyle," she emphasizes, sharing her practices for nervous system regulation, learning to be still, and checking in with her body after years of disconnection. For anyone who has experienced trauma, her wisdom about giving yourself permission to feel everything – including the uncomfortable emotions – provides a roadmap for authentic recovery.
This episode contains detailed descriptions of physical abuse that may be triggering for some listeners. Please prioritize your wellbeing while listening. Join us next week for part two, where we'll explore Farah's experience in a controlling BDSM and poly relationship with cult-like dynamics, and how she ultimately found her way back to herself.
Follow Farah on Instagram!
@farahsfitnessfactory
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 OR text begin to 88788
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Hello and welcome back to Dismissed Tree Stories. I've got my coffee, I'm ready to go, because this is my third time recording my intro, my outro, my sidebar commentary for this particular episode.
Speaker 1:I don't know what is going on over here. It's been a little frustrating Bunch of computer issues recently, so wish me luck, but we're going to jump into it. This conversation, farrah, I posted on my social media. It's literally like 10 seconds in. I was already crying while laying out this episode for the week. I'm like holy cow, because I interview like months in advance and sometimes I forget what we talk about until I actually get into the conversation and I'm like holy shit, this is a powerful one. A powerful one.
Speaker 1:Farrah is a mother, a wellness entrepreneur, a woman whose healing journey has taken her from childhood trauma, domestic violence and spiritual manipulation to self-awareness, safety and, finally, self-love. So in the first half of this conversation, farrah bravely walks us through all the unraveling, how the floodgates opened when she realized what she has truly lived through. I mean, we know sometimes it takes a while after leaving for you to have that perfect 2020 vision or that bird's eye view of things and to see your lived experience for what it really was. And also trigger warning here. She does survive some pretty violent childhood abuse and she does describe that in great detail. So if that would be triggering to you, please, please, take care of yourself. She also talks about two separate abusive relationships that she was in, and she opens up about the moment that she stopped seeing her story as a failure and started recognizing it as triumph.
Speaker 1:There are so many times that she gave me cold chills during this interview, especially while listening to it back. You want to talk about 2020 vision. You're like holy cow, and we both definitely shared some tears together during this interview. This episode is about coming back home to yourself. One choice, one moment and one breath at a time. So, wherever you're listening from, take a breath with us, because you're not alone here. You're seen, you're heard and you're believed. Let's get into Farrah's story. Are you doing more healing this allergy season?
Speaker 2:it must be. It must be. I definitely need the extra support, um, but I forgot what I was saying before. To be honest with you, um, no, I think I was talking about the, the need for community, um, and how community is something that I've been searching for.
Speaker 2:When I left my last like what you would call like a domestic violence, household situation relationship, I didn't really realize in the first like year what I actually went through. I remember having a conversation with one of my good friends and she was like, so like what happened with, you know, tyra's dad? And I'm like, oh, you know it was. It was an interesting relationship. It was a relationship where we were poly. It was one husband, multiple wives. You know, we definitely had a different type of lifestyle, but it's good. Like you know, we broke up, we talk, we co-parent, everything is fine. And she kind of was just like huh, and knowing some other things that I had opened up to her about, and she just, you know, was like that's very interesting. And she's like, and that's it. And I'm like, yeah, no, that's it. You know, there's nothing more to that.
Speaker 2:And it wasn't until I started reading a book how to Become the Narcissist's Nightmare and I, yeah, and it was funny because I was relating it. I was relating everything to a very short-lived interaction that I had with the man after that relationship. So I was dating a bit and I was with him for maybe two months. But I'm reading things and I'm like, oh my god, that's how he was. And that same friend was like this doesn't like remind you of anyone else. You know what I mean. Good for her, yeah, and she was like you know to me she's like she's like I know you keep bringing it back to your most recent interaction, but she's like I think this is more significant to what you went through with both of your children's fathers and she's like I really encourage you to kind of look there Right. And then the floodgates kind of just opened up.
Speaker 1:Isn't that just wild sometimes that we can clearly see the dysfunction in other people's relationships, but when it's our own, when that mirror is turned around and reflected back at us, especially when we're in survival mode, it's like we've got blinders on, we've got tunnel vision. We cannot see things clearly. But then someone may come along in this instance Farrah's friend and they ask the right questions and then it's like boom, boom, babe. The floodgates are wide open and all of it just comes rushing in. And that's what happened for Farrah. Her friend wasn't just challenging her, she was offering her that mirror to look into. And once Farrah looked into it, she started seeing the truth more clearly. Sometimes that's all it takes One brave person, one hard question and everything shifts.
Speaker 2:I also at that time was watching a lot of like investigative shows on like Netflix and Hulu. So any show that had to do with like a cult, that had to do with a con artist, any type of theme, investigative theme, you know a lot of like murder, mysteries and things like that. Or you know the worst ex, and things like that. I just for some reason I just couldn't get enough of them. And when I started reading that book I was like, oh girl, your higher self has been trying to tell you what you went through. And so that's when, like, the floodgates kind of opened for me. But it wasn't until I started talking about this podcast and thinking about doing this podcast did I realize that when I moved here to this house, I was finally curating a safe space.
Speaker 2:And because domestic violence and violence in the home has something that I've experienced since I've been a child, I didn't realize that it was. It took me 34 years 34 years to feel safe within my home and I have two children and my son was 19, 20, no 19, 18 or eight oh my gosh 18. I'm so sorry. 20?, no 19?, 18 or 18? Oh my gosh 18. I'm so sorry. My son was 18 when I moved here. Like that's also very scary, you know, as a mom, to think you think you're doing the safest thing, you think you're making the best decisions for yourself, and then on reflection you realize how unsafe you were. You know, that was just in the last few days, me realizing that. I was like, wow, you have a lot to be proud of. You have a lot that you've accomplished and when I first left that relationship I was looking at it like it was a failure, like I failed you know, 34 years before she felt safe in her own home.
Speaker 1:Oh, that is a lifetime of abuse. That is a lifetime of survival mode and sometimes, when we leave, we don't even feel safe. It takes practice to learn how to feel safe again in our bodies, in our homes, in our decisions, in our minds. And when Farrah said that she thought that she had failed by leaving, damn girl, raise your hand if you've ever told yourself that you can't see me, but my hand is way up high at my studio right now. Somehow the relationship ending meant that in your mind, it meant that you weren't good enough, not strong enough, just not enough, not worthy.
Speaker 1:But getting out isn't a failure. Seeing things crumble around you in a toxic and abusive relationship isn't failure. It's freedom. It's freedom to make a different choice, to say you know what I am done. And it's survival finally evolving into healing. And when she talks about curating a safe space, that's not just I mean we love to decorate our homes right. That's not just interior decorating, that's nervous system work. That's finally taking a deep breath and not having to look over your shoulder. That is feeling like you are finally emerging to the surface from the depths of the freaking ocean and finally able to take a full ass inhale and I'm like it's quite the opposite.
Speaker 2:You accomplish so much getting out and getting to safety. You know my daughter. She is high functioning autism and she's doing so well right now and she's doing so wonderful and it's such a different child from when we left that household. I can only you know from where I'm sitting today look back and give myself the kudos and really celebrate everything that I've accomplished, because going through it in these last few years, I really felt like a failure and it's a really interesting place to sit and you have to imagine some of the situations I was creating for myself trying to get myself to realize the positive. I feel like God won't let us sit there in the negative. You know what I mean Life will continue to show us and try to show us and try to show us so we see ourselves in that highest light. So, yeah, that it's been interesting, just the search for community in that way.
Speaker 1:I want to stay on this topic of healing One, because you need to. You need to sit in that feeling feeling I know that you said that you have, but I would like to sit in it with you because you're crying, I'm gonna cry. Don't do that to me. Where it's, when you reach a certain point, you kind of look at it and you're like I'm embarrassed of what I've been through, what I've allowed, I'm embarrassed of where I'm at right now, and I think that shame just impairs your judgment to say, but holy cow, look how far I've come.
Speaker 1:And while I was busy surviving all these other people who I'm comparing myself to other moms who were just able to and I'm not saying that like anybody else's, life is just like so much easier. But when you compare yourself, you're like they weren't dealing with abuse and I was, um, and look how good of a mom they are. You know, and you just, you always want to push yourself to be better, even though, like you have no idea how incredible you are, how incredible you were through all of that. I know, um, my son was the reason that I pulled through Same.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. I think it's really interesting sitting in this healing place and also knowing that the journey is never. It's never like, oh, I'm healed you never really arrive.
Speaker 1:It's a daily thing that we choose and it's a daily thing that I have to choose Right.
Speaker 2:It's a daily thing that we choose and it's a daily thing that I have to choose right. It's in practice, it's in lifestyle. But sitting in this place of looking at myself as a whole individual, needing nothing, you know, being okay just in who I am, is very powerful, because the shame has run so deep I didn't even realize. But so much of my self-talk in these last few years was how could you let this happen? How could you do this? How could you allow this happen? How could you do this? How could you allow this to yourself? And going back and writing my story, I was like wait a minute. Like Farrah, there was no start to this, like it always has been a thing for you. So how could you not a thing for you? So how could you not Like, how were you expected to make different decisions? Not being educated and understanding what you were even going through as a child?
Speaker 1:Okay, this part right here, I get it, I've lived it, you've lived it, we've all lived it. But it You've lived it, we've all lived it. But shame. Shame should not be part of our healing process, but for so many of us, of course it is, and it's not because we did anything wrong, but because we were conditioned to believe that what happened to us was our fault. We've been carrying the weight of abuse and keeping it quiet and wondering why we are the way that we are. For however long we've been experiencing abuse, we let it happen. We should have known better that we are the one responsible for the unpredictable acts of someone else. But and I'm not trying to like minimize anybody else's experience here but, like in Farrah's case, how could she know better if all she had ever known was abuse? Ever known was abuse. For some of us, there was no before, no safe foundation to build from, no healthy relationship to emulate. And yet here we are, unlearning, rebuilding, reparenting ourselves and doing the damn impossible.
Speaker 1:Farrah said something so powerful. There was no start to this. It's just always been a thing for me, because that means to her survival was never just a phase, it was an entire atmosphere that she was breathing since day one, so of course her nervous system learned how to shrink and scan the room. Of course her self-talk learned how to be cruel and of course, healing to her feels like a foreign fucking language. And yet she's doing it, you're doing it, we're doing it. So let this be the reminder that you need today what happened to you that was never your fault and the shame that doesn't belong to you.
Speaker 1:You said that earlier. You said that healing is a lifestyle and you had wrote to me when you said in your story, you said I would like to focus this interview about not only necessarily my history, but how I have overcome these moments of extreme hardship and what I do in my healing process, which will be a part of my life forever. Healing is a lifestyle. So I'm curious to know and we talked about this a little last night, when we had talked on Instagram. You had asked, like, do you have any self-care tips? And I was like I would love to know what did you do to, like, prepare for this interview? But there's my first question, and my second question is what does it look like for you? Like, what does healing look like for you on an everyday basis?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, to prepare for this interview, I really had just to accept that I was ready to share my story and really do nothing else, that I was ready to share my story and really do nothing else. I think so much of what I've gone through is hypervigilance to have to show up a certain way, and hypervigilance to need to protect myself or to overanalyze everything or everyone in the room. And I wanted to come here and be able to talk about this, but not perseverate and stress myself out days to come, right. So for me, to prepare for this, I even thought about, like, going back and you know, maybe I should listen to, you know, some of the old podcast episodes and I'm like, no, no, that's going to overwhelm you, that's going to put things on your mind, like. So I spent time and I did the things that I have, I love to do. I skated yesterday with my daughter and we. We had hot dogs and French fries for dinner. So, like, we didn't, like was not worried about what vegetable, what we're getting like, whatever, what do you feel like? You know, you know I I tried to take your advice and get enough sleep. It wasn't really successful, but I also gave myself permission to do that Right. So I just give myself permission in the moment to like what do you need right now, you know? And my lifestyle and healing that is, it really can be different as the days go, but I have a few things that I really try to do every day have a few minutes of quiet time with myself. I talk to my sisters every single day, every single day.
Speaker 2:One thing that was tough through my experiences was the isolation and not being and having those strong relationships. So, for me, having those strong relationships and knowing that I have the support and tapping into that support, um is something that I do every day. Um, I try to move my body and have some type of fun, because I personally just love to be active, I love to just be physical, I love to work out. You know, if you ask my daughter, she'll tell you that I'm going to be an acrobat and I'm going to join the circus one day. But I totally mean it too. Totally mean it too. But there was a point in my healing journey when I really was being really specific to taking care of myself. I actually had to stop working, and not stop working out, but stop having like such a regimen for myself, because I also realized that that was something I was doing to please another person and I really wasn't doing that for myself. Right, how did you come to?
Speaker 1:that conclusion, though that seems like such a difficult thing to navigate and to truly understand. Like some of us, we don't know what we need. We don't know what we need.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was actually for me to understand. That's what I needed. I was looking at old pictures of myself and was looking at my body and I was actually doing the wow fair. It's really interesting because some of the hardest times, man, you were like you were tea, you know. But then I reminded myself I also was doing that to please my daughter's father, you know.
Speaker 2:And listening to my body, in that moment I felt like I was running on a treadmill for 30 years of 30 years. It felt like my nervous system didn't know how to calm down and sometimes that working out was. It's definitely therapeutic, because I do process emotionally when I work out, but it's the motivation, you know. And realizing that I was doing it to please someone else, I almost kind of had to like, hold on. We're going to pause this really quick because, like, why, why, why do we, why do we do this and why do we want to do this? And even that was interesting because, again, I've always been athletic. It's not something that started when I met this individual. This is something that he hijacked, this is something that he took an opportunity to center himself in. I want you to look good for daddy. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:I do know what you mean. That was me and cooking. That's what we call my I say we my fiance, and I call my food wound. It was something I love to do, it was a love language, but then it became that thing that he could use against me to intimidate me, to interrogate me and to abuse me multiple times a day through multiple meals. I get it.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:Where do I even start with this one? This part made me so angry and maybe it's because I'm still triggered by this. Maybe this is something that I'm still personally working through, but when Ferris said he hijacked something, I loved the instant fire that I felt in my belly, because that is one of the quietest kinds of emotional abuse, because they don't just control your body or your time. They start laying claims to your passions, your joy, your sparkle and the things that make you you. And I'm just going to go ahead and say it You're the worst kind of person If you take what makes somebody else happy and you ruin it for them. What makes somebody else happy and you ruin it for them the worst kind of person.
Speaker 1:It's not always about what you're doing. The activity that you're doing, I don't know, is it rollerblading? Is it knitting? Is it swimming? It's the intention behind why you do what you do. Does it light you up? Is it yours? A narcissist hates that. They hate to see someone else so happy because they don't know what happiness and joy genuinely feels like. It's a battle in their brain. Nobody else can be above them, nobody else can rise above them. Or and hear me out like in Farrah's case, they'll take what you love and center themselves in it. They'll make it all about them. They'll make it into something that is co-opted and twisted and something that you need to perform to stay safe and lovable. And this is why the healing after abuse part is so layered, because it's not just about leaving. You don't just get to wipe your hands of it and you're done. It's about untangling yourself from everything that they tried to claim, including your joy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's, it's, it's it's interesting, it's just so, it's so good and they just like work their way in, like that, and how all these people are are different people, but they're all the same. Um, and I think one thing that you said that was really interesting, to me at least, was that nervous system regulation, because that was something that I just went through. I wanted to come back on this podcast earlier than what I did, but I had realized I was severely lacking on my self-care and I needed to regulate my nervous system. I was not doing well and for me that looked like, like you said in the beginning, asking myself what do you need? And just actually doing that. And for me I was tired, I had to be still. I had to just like sit in the silence, sit with myself, and a lot of that for me looked like painting, walking in nature and just learning how to be still. That was something that my therapist would repeat to me often you need to learn how to be still.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm getting better at that. I'll tell you that because there was a time where I think I was just keeping myself so busy so I didn't have to be still and process things and think about things.
Speaker 1:Do you think that's? What you were doing as well with your working out.
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely Absolutely, and also just with, like, certain commitments and responsibilities I was over committing, so that way I didn't have any time to myself. You know, always choosing to do something for one of the children instead of doing something for myself. I remember my son asking me one day like Mom, if you don't want to do something, then why are you doing it? Like why are?
Speaker 1:you doing it? Don't you love the ways that, like we created these people and then they come back around to just like serve you so hard sometimes?
Speaker 2:Yeah, Both my children.
Speaker 1:Yeah, both my children.
Speaker 2:Mine too, and my son he's, more, he's, he's. He's very sensitive to what I, what I'm going through, because I had my son when I was 16 years old, so a lot of I even tell him, like you know, we we did, we grew up together. You know what I mean. I did an amazing job as a teenage mom, raising him in a tough environment.
Speaker 2:But there are so many things that he and both my children teach me and he inspired me to truly look into myself and when I don't want to do something, learn to say I'd rather not. And it's funny because he has a way of as soon as someone asks him for something, he'll just say no, right off the rip. He won't even think about it. He's like I don't think so, and it's kind of hard to be on the receiving end of that right. But it gives him an opportunity to process, to see if he really wants to do that, yeah, and then he'll come back and say you know what I thought about it and I can do that. And he's done that with me multiple, multiple times.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. Cheers to raising a child with such amazing boundaries, though, and someone who is self-aware and puts themselves first in a healthy way.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's incredible. You're doing a great job.
Speaker 2:It's knowledge that they came in with. I definitely provided them the space to be themselves, but I'm not so sure. Those are things and maybe it's that's a part of also the healing journey is actually to go back and realize, no, you were teaching them that the whole time or you were doing this the whole time. But there are some things that I've always been ingrained to be a people pleaser and a giver and they've really taught me that it doesn't have to be that way and I do believe that was knowledge that he, that the kids came in with and taught me. But you know, another part of my healing is to be still right.
Speaker 2:I actually had to make a tough decision back in 2023. And I decided to take leave from my nine to five corporate software job and that was a huge decision Because, number one, I love to work. Also, it is an escape for me, like when I get to work, I get to just completely forget about what is going on in my personal life and it's just professional and you show up and you leave it at the door, even though you really don't leave it at the door, right? But there's that aspect of I'm not going to focus on this. I get to focus on something else, and for many years, work was my escape from these really tough home situations. It was like that with my son's father, where if things were really bad, I was in nursing, I would just pick up shifts. I'm like, ok, cool, I'm going to work a double. You want to give me hell, I'm going to make more money. You know what I mean, but that's not healthy.
Speaker 2:About when my daughter's father took me to court and opened up a court case and started fighting for 50-50 custody, despite me asking him for help, right? So instead of him just working with me, he decided to go into the courts and of course, that was his form of control and manipulation and we were only going to do it his way, or it wasn't going to be any way. But at that point I literally I got up to here and I'm like, if I don't do something, I'm going to crack. And I had to say at that point in my life like I just I have to stop it all, I have to stop it all. I just I have to stop it all, I have to stop it all. You know, as far as the work came, um, at that point I had started um, my online fitness business that I'm very passionate about. Um and so much of a time of healing for me was during my postpartum period with my daughter, um. That's when I realized I needed to get out of this household right.
Speaker 2:So I'm very passionate about helping moms that just went through childbirth and that are trying to find their ways back to themselves. But I also had to stop and pause and not try to, you know, look for clients or, you know, meet with, you know, new leads and things like that and new moms. And I had to really just stop because I was looking at myself as a content creator and showing up as a personal trainer and coach and it was big on imposter syndrome. All I kept seeing is how I'm just not good enough. My content is just not good enough. You know, this program is just not good enough.
Speaker 2:Everything I was and I'm like who is this person? Because when I got with that guy I was, even though I was coming out of a 10 year very, very violent relationship I still was very confident in who I was. I still was very confident, knowing that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. So who is this woman who is just like questioning everything, this woman who is just like questioning everything? And that's when I had to realize it was the mental, the emotional manipulation that he aimed to separate me from myself and insert himself there. But all of these things were kind of triggering me in that way, so saying I love to do this, but I have to just put it on pause. And all you hear is, when you're an entrepreneur in small business is don't stop, just keep going. You could be right around the corner of your big break and you don't want to stop and I had to tell myself it doesn't. Hey, if it's meant to be, god has it for you and it will be there when you're ready to pick it back up and it's OK. You can't keep doing this to yourself. You just can't. You can't keep doing this to yourself. You just can't. You can't keep doing this to yourself. So, learning to be still. And when I tell you I went still, I don't.
Speaker 2:I think there were days I didn't even get out of the bed. My son would come to me in my room like, hey, are we OK? Like your daughter's in the next room, like tossing the living room, mom, tossing the living room, mom. And if you've ever seen like a child on the spectrum, you know you could have a room that's pristine and if you are not keeping tabs, it will be an unrecognizable place when you're done.
Speaker 2:It's just like they go from one thing to the next thing and they're taking stuff out here and taking stuff out here and she was. She was, you know. I mean we were all going through our journeys and our times at that point. But you know, she was also looking, watching me, paying attention, and she heard me one day say you know what? I want some art for my walls. And she started drawing and she started my daughter started putting up pictures and she had this whole back wall and then, when she ran out of paper, she started getting little envelopes that were coming in the mail and she would draw the envelopes and stick them on the wall.
Speaker 1:Good for her at least she used paper.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God, oh, cause we went through that drawing on the wall before we went through that already. But you know it was. It was a time where I went from like feeling like I was running on a treadmill to like hitting a brick wall and then so from there I had to really learn like where my new balance was, you know, balance was you know. And then I wanted to make sure, like when I did start, you know, doing the things that I loved, again, I'm doing it from the right reasons. I'm not doing it because I think I I want to just help someone else. No, I'm doing this because I love to do this. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:I do know what you mean, but I'm I'm interested to know like. But I'm interested to know like. I get questions on how do I know what's right for me. I get questions like I'm feeling this emotion. It's very uncomfortable, I don't want to be here, how do I get past this? And my answer is always the only way through it is through it.
Speaker 2:It's through it.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, I can't give you.
Speaker 2:There's nothing else and that's the best. That's the best advice. I started reading all these books. You Can Heal your Life by Louise Hay. Emotional Alchemy Forgot Tara something? Emotional Alchemy forgot Tara something. Emotional Alchemy is an amazing book.
Speaker 2:I started reading you know, being the Narcissist Nightmare all of these self-help it's Not you by Dr Romney. So many books and through all of them they're telling you the same message and through all of them they're telling you the same message. You are putting off your healing without actually feeling those feelings. If you're feeling down and you're feeling depressed, no matter what that looks like. One day for me it meant sitting in my backyard and putting my feet in the grass. Another day it meant not getting out of bed. Another day it meant sitting in my backyard and putting my feet in the grass, and another day it meant not getting out of bed. Another day it meant taking my daughter on for a walk or cleaning my house incessantly, like because I didn't do anything for three weeks. Now I'm like ah, and I'm like anxious, and that's what I needed to do that day.
Speaker 1:Right. So you leaned into what you felt you just needed to do in that moment.
Speaker 2:Listening. I think the biggest thing is that we listen to others and we really don't even tap into ourselves to even ask ourselves what am I feeling? Or if I have asked myself or I am identifying, this is what I'm feeling, what do I need? And then giving yourself permission and making it okay with you that this is what's happening. Because if you still have that voice in the back of your head telling yourself, well, you shouldn't be doing this or this shouldn't be happening, you know it's going to be hard to then give yourself permission and consciously you can say, yep, I'm giving myself permission to do this thing, but you kind of also in your mind, have to tell that thing You're not real and get out of here.
Speaker 1:One thing that I did with that thing that you're talking about that is I gave it a name, so separate from my own name, and naming it actually my fiance came up with it. I don't know where he came up with Carlita, but Carlita is her name and making Carlita separate from me helped so much because I would be like Carlita today is not your day, Okay, but then also understanding that Carlita is there because she wants to be heard, she needs to be heard. And there are times where you have to sit with Carlita and it's such a difficult thing to navigate, especially on your own, because you really have to come from. We come from this place where we do not trust ourselves at all. There's the shame, there's the guilt of what we have experienced. We've been told that we're wrong in so many different ways. We can never seem to make that person happy. We're always having to think 10 steps ahead to telling yourself that you have to trust yourself. That is such a confusing time as a survivor.
Speaker 1:And it's like learning how to do. That is like we've been talking about. It's slowing down, but also something that I want to talk about with you, because you said you know, like I check in with myself, I ask myself what I need. One thing that was really difficult for me is I did not feel like I was in my body at all, in my body at all. I had to spend a very long time practicing coming back into my body, and how I would do that would be I would lay in bed at night and I would stare at the ceiling. I would feel like I was like hovering above my own body and I would just ask myself to come back in. As wild as that sounds, I would always feel like I had all this electricity in my body that was not allowing me to be calm. I don't know if that's relatable, but oh, oh, my gosh.
Speaker 2:You know it's a protective mechanism. It's a protective mechanism that I have utilized more as a child, I think in my adult life.
Speaker 1:Okay, I guess we're going to do this. We're going to request a step-by-step handbook for healing. It's going to look something like this One realize you're not okay. Step two cry. Step three lay down for a while. Step four take a walk, touch grass, I don't know. Step five cry again and then rinse and repeat as needed, but for real, trying to be still when your body knows nothing besides chaos. That's advanced level healing.
Speaker 1:It is so freaking difficult and checking in with yourself after abuse isn't easy, because it's not just about like, what do I need? It's about asking yourself and feeling that gut feeling of like can I even trust that this is actually what I need? Can I trust myself right now? And when I talk about that electricity in your body, that's like if you identify with that feeling, I look at it as that's just your nervous system screaming like hey, we are still in danger, even when the door is locked, even when the house is quiet, even when you know, like I knew, that I was safe. And it takes so much intention, so much stillness, so much quietness to say come back, you're safe now. Quietness to say come back, you're safe now.
Speaker 1:And let's be honest, being selfish in a healing season is the most radical thing you can do. Someone told me yesterday it's 49% selfishness, 51% selflessness in your healing process, and it makes so much sense, especially when you were trained to put yourself dead freaking last. You were not worthy of the self-care. If you did that, that meant that you could be coming home to yourself and you could realize all of the messed up things that they were doing to you. They had to keep chaos in your life to keep you distracted from what they were doing. So if you're listening to this and you felt that buzzing in your chest or your guilt for needing a break, be selfish.
Speaker 2:It is needed in your time of healing. I have very much stayed in my body, um, and, and because of that, your body, kind of I'm not gonna say your, but your our bodies are always taking the score. No matter what we're going through emotionally, mentally, it's going to show in our bodies. But I remember specifically as a child, having a few situations where I left my body and I was seeing what was happening. When I think and I remember those situations I'm not remembering it from the vantage point that I experienced it I actually remember seeing myself over my dad's shoulder, right Like. I remember hiding behind my mom and seeing my dad beat on a little girl in the bushes over there and seeing my dad beat on a little girl in the bushes over there.
Speaker 1:But when I think back to that time, it's not happening to me. Where do you think you went? You just went somewhere from a different point of view.
Speaker 2:For me. I went to a place I made up in my mind. I went with the, I went with the individuals that were around. So I remember being behind my mom and peering around my mom's leg and seeing what was happening. And the second time that happened, as a child, I was sitting also on the steps with my brothers because it's interesting, I wasn really happening and I remember them counting the slashes that I was supposed to be counting and I am telling you I would have never had that information. And when we were adults we were talking about it and then I told them what I remember from that and they were like but how do you know that? You weren't with us, you weren't next to us to have known that that happened. Farrah, how do you even know that? And they never told me that before that. They were actually counting the slashes. I was like, oh no, I remember you guys were on the stairs and running up and down and sitting there for a while and counting 27, 28, 29, 30 and running back up like, oh girl. So I was.
Speaker 2:The punishment was disrobe, hold on to your ankles and I'm going to give you 10 slashes with my leather belt and you're going to count all 10. And if you let go of your ankles or stop counting, I'm going to start over at zero. And he was laying into me with all of his strength how old were you? Ten? I was ten, and of course I mean he was giving me an impossible task. Of course I was going to let go. I'm screaming in pain and grabbing my rear end Right and we're starting over, and I was hit over 100 times with a belt that day. I've experienced things no adult should have to experience as a child.
Speaker 2:My son is nine, so I picture yeah my daughter's eight years old and I couldn't, I couldn't. The thought of that happening to her probably will make me ball, more than actually what happened to me, because you know, but um, oh my gosh, I I've really never told too many people about that, um it's okay, you don't have to.
Speaker 1:You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Pharaoh was 10 10, the same age as my son. Right now I don't know that I have the right words for this break, but I think that this is just one of those moments where we just pause, because sometimes the deepest form of witnessing is silence. It's just sitting with someone, it's letting their truth echo uninterrupted, so the weight of it can be felt in full yeah, no, I'm trying to find my, my, my thought, the points I was making um, okay, what?
Speaker 1:about um, um. We haven't really given our listener any kind of background oh my, my gosh, you're right as to what you have experienced and we don't have to go into it too much.
Speaker 1:But one thing that you said that I was interested in knowing was you said I honestly cannot remember when I started experiencing DV. It was in the home I grew up in, which is what we're talking about now. I was so young when it started. I literally cannot remember the first time I experienced physical abuse. This was my life. My question is, even though you don't know the first time, how old do you think you were? Or do you remember the time that you first were? Like wait a minute, this isn't normal or safe.
Speaker 2:So it's tough because so much of the culture that both my parents were raised in, corporal punishment was okay. So you know, a pop in the hand, a spank, was very normalized. I'm sorry, go ahead.
Speaker 1:Well, you had said something also in your story which made me wonder, because I'm not familiar, but you said in your Haitian culture is this corporal punishment part of Haitian culture? I tried to read into this a little bit just so I could understand, and I saw that shame was, was big if something were to happen, especially like a pregnancy that you had said, and a lot of that will reflect back on the parents. So is that the punishment, something that the parents would do because of the Haitian belief system?
Speaker 2:Is that what that was. I think it's deep. I think it's deep rooted in ancestral things because of just our history, and I will say it's not every Haitian household, because now that I'm older and I am, you know just more I've had more experience with more people. I have met some Haitian people that were like, oh my God, my parents would have never put their hands on me.
Speaker 1:I think that's for every culture, like we evolve and heal and we heal our lineage.
Speaker 2:Exactly, Exactly so. But I will say that in most Haitian households, if kids are getting spanked, it's pretty normal. Now, my dad, my stepdad, who was, who is and was, who was, you know, one of my first abusers. He, he's white, he didn't grow up in a Haitian household, but in his household there was also a lot of abuse, but it wasn't so. For my mom, spanking was very normal. My dad, you know, in his household there was a point in time he started carrying around like a crowbar to keep himself safe against his father Right, and so it's deep. And I remember, a few months ago I saw a picture of him when he was a baby and it broke my heart because I'm like, oh, look at this little boy. That was hurt.
Speaker 1:Right, we're all born with clean slaves.
Speaker 2:Oh, of course you know, and it has me looking at him in a different light because you know, when you look at someone and you can see that child in them, it has me feeling even different today. But so what blurred the lines was my mom spanking was okay, redirecting children and using, you know, maybe a belt because they did something really, really bad might have been okay. One, you know she, she might have known certain isolated things that happened, but she really had no idea to the extent. So, yes, I, I could have been three years old and got popped in my hand. I could have been four years old getting spanked in my, my, my, my bottom Right. Have been four years old, getting spanked in my bottom right, because this was very normal to redirect a child, even though for me now I'm like I never use my hands with my children ever. And my daughter, I think she would bust back. So there's that too, and I'm being very honest with you.
Speaker 2:She's very autonomous. I'm very proud of her for that. Yeah, but she's very autonomous.
Speaker 2:She matches energy real quick, real quick. But also she got that from me because I also was the child that would not just take it. A lot of why I got in trouble was because I was the one to speak up and say this wasn't right. So you asked me about when was the time that I really realized that something wasn't okay? Probably when I started talking to my siblings after getting punished like yo. That wasn't right, and I really can't even tell you at what age I started doing that, because it was. It seemed like it was always there. But I think around 11, I would say around 10, 11, 12, when I started playing softball is when I really started using my voice more openly and I started challenging my stepdad I would say around 12, 13 started really started challenging.
Speaker 2:But I remember when I was we were really young and one of my brothers were like yo, you would be Kunta and it's related to the movie Roots and there was the slave that refused to be called Toby and he's like yo, that's you he's like. And he told me he was like just say Toby, he was like, he's like they're the adults, they're going to win. So why don't you're making it easier on yourself and just say Toby and he was talking, of course, and and and go just to be like listen, just roll over and take it, like why are you even like trying to fight back? And I remember telling him then I mean F that I remember I told him I was like fuck that, no, that's not right what they're doing. And you know, as long as I have a voice, this is what we're going to be going through. And a lot of my healing I was like, oh my gosh, yeah, I like I. Yeah, that was me. Yeah, I like I, yeah, that was me.
Speaker 1:This is such a powerful visual for me. When Farrah's brother related her to Kunta and Roots and if you know the movie, you know the reference then you understand the weight of that it wasn't just a nickname that he was giving her, it was an acknowledgement of her refusal to break, of her unwillingness to silence herself in the face of brutality, chills. Her siblings told her to make it easier for herself to stop fighting. And for some, survival did mean staying quiet. It did mean backing down. It did for me, and that's okay. But Farrah's path was different. Even as a child she had that, that knowing that what was happening was wrong, and she refused to shrink for anyone.
Speaker 1:This is the part of healing that we don't talk about enough. How early on so many of us knew. We knew that something was wrong, even if we didn't have the words for it yet, even if we couldn't call abuse what it was at the time. We had that gut feeling, that inner knowing. And how often were you punished for speaking out about it, for daring to name it out loud? You had that understanding and that knowing and you were never wrong. And I think that's a really important part about coming home to yourself in survivorship. It's listening to that piece of you again and knowing that all along you had your own answers and it is okay and safe to trust yourself now.
Speaker 2:I didn't just lay down and take it, because so much of how I saw myself in my last relationship I'm like, how did you take all of this? And then I had to remember wait, I was going through some things, but I wasn't an easy. It wasn't. It wasn't an easy time for him. It just wasn't like, oh, do this. And there were very, there were many times where I was using my voice and there were very, there were many times where I was using my voice, that little girl to then, you know, fighting my stepdad and we all of a sudden were having fistfights and he's having bloody noses and you know I can see my brother in back of him, like holding a glass bowl, just waiting, just waiting for the opportunity because he knows he's going to protect his sister.
Speaker 2:I went from that home situation to then looking for love. 15 years old, my grandfather just had died a few months before. He was one of my best friends. I'm looking for love. I no longer have that male energy because you know my biological father didn't have a great connection relationship with him and you know this was my stepfather that was doing this. Right, my dad. But you know I we didn't do step any of that. He was just my dad and he also raised me since I was in diapers. So in very much way he's my dad, he's my dad.
Speaker 2:So once my grandfather passed away a few months later you know now I'm on you know the AOL was big and you know the chat rooms and whatnot. That's where I met my son's father and you know, it's just so happened, divine timing, divine placement that his cousin was my brother's best friend, so where it was very new, and people were like, oh my God, you met him online and at that time they were thinking I was crazy, right, because it's what? 2002? Right, it's 2002. So you know we had made that mutual connection that we knew the same people and we met and you know he was 17.
Speaker 2:I was 15. He had gone through his own things in his childhood and had ill-equipped coping mechanisms, was very abusive himself and we were in a 12 year marriage together, 10 years to two years for us to get divorced. But through that time, you know, went through physical, emotional, mental, financial, sexual abuse. I went through it all with him, you know. And it got to the point when my son was 10 years old, and you know there was an argument in the house and it was crazy, and my son comes and sits on the bed and he's like, yeah, why are we here?
Speaker 1:Why do we live here? Why?
Speaker 2:are we going through this? And I was like you know what? I don't have a good answer for you right now, but give me 60 days, give me two months and we're out of here, I promise you. I told him that. I said I promise you and we were literally out within the 60 days. I told my mother-in-law at the time. I'm like listen, I'm going to be finding an apartment. I have to get out of here. I've got to go. This is just not healthy. I'm not doing this anymore. And she mocked me.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:Farrah, you're always moving out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are you going? Right into the living room, you ain't going nowhere. I said, okay, came home one Saturday was like, oh I signed my lease and I'm out.
Speaker 1:I love that quality in you. I used to have that quality. I'm still trying to find it post abuse. But I remember people saying to me, just because I went into a male dominated field when I was in school, people always saying to me oh, you know that you can only make it so far on yada, yada, yada, and I would be like watch me.
Speaker 2:Watch me, watch me work, watch me. Thank you, that is such a good quality.
Speaker 1:But I think that, like I hope that the listener is really painting a picture of your spirit, because you have such a fighting spirit and you have this. I hope you talked about imposter syndrome, but I sincerely hope that you don't ever let yourself have the issue of taking up space again, because you are big and you're bright and in the what we've been talking for 45 minutes like, in that 45 minutes, I can tell that you're big and you're bright and you deserve to shine and you have a fighting spirit, and that alone not only is going to aggravate people who are abusive and narcissistic, like your dad and your exes, but that also heals so many people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm learning. Yeah, I'm learning. I'm giving myself permission to be, you know, because there was no break in between these situations. You know, I went straight from living in my parents' house to then moving in with my son's father and after, you know, I got that apartment, six months later I met my daughter's father and then we entered the realm of BDSM, master and slave, poly relationships and it wasn't just controlling me, it was he was controlling. You know, at one time, four, four women, Three of us sister wives moved into the home together with him, but I was in that relationship for eight years.
Speaker 1:You don't always get a break in between your storms. Farrah didn't go from survival to healing. She went from one abusive relationship right into the other and that's not failure, that's actually reality for so many of us. I mean, I went straight from an abusive relationship and into an abusive workplace and I didn't see it until it was too late and I already felt like I took a million steps back in my healing process. But what stands out for me here isn't her pain, it's her pivot. Isn't her pain, it's her pivot. The moment where she looked at her son and she said give me 60 days. And she kept her word. She moved. That is her power, that is a motherhood, that is a backbone and that is breaking cycles in real time.
Speaker 1:And I love when she said that she's learning to give herself permission to just be, because, after abuse, learning that you're allowed to take up space, learning that you're allowed to exist in all of your full brightness, that you're allowed to want more. It's not easy, but it's everything. And if you've ever asked yourself the question like why do I keep ending up here, it's not that you're failing, it's that you haven't woken up yet, it's that you haven't allowed yourself the time to sit with everything that's happened to you and to honor your space, space and your life experiences, to heal yourself, to love yourself. But once you wake up to that, how badass and bright you are, you will never be able to unsee it, and that's when everything starts to change. If you thought this episode was powerful, we are just getting started, because next week, in part two, we're going to dive deeper into the chapters that will leave you speechless. I'm talking BDSM dynamics, poly relationships and the moment that she realized she wasn't just surviving abuse. She was actually being pulled into something that looked and felt like a cult yeah, a cult. The next part is wild, but it's also such a powerful exploration of what it means to wake up, to take your life back and to start healing on your own terms.
Speaker 1:If this episode hit home for you, please don't forget to rate, review, share, subscribe. I always feel weird and awkward asking you to do those things, but it truly does help bring these stories to the victims and survivors who need them, who need them most, who feel that they're so alone in their healing journeys, who feel that they're so alone in the abuse and they don't know how to get out. They just need proof that someone else survived something similar to them, to give them hope, to give them power, to give them validation, to feel seen and to feel heard, to know that they're not alone. And that's what we're doing here. We're saying hey, you're not alone, we see you, we hear you and we're healing together. So next week I'll see you in part two and until then, remember the world is a better place because you are in it. Thank you.
