Marriage Matters

In today's episode of the Well Grounded Podcast, hosts Leigh Ann and Diane have a heartfelt conversation about cultivating a happy and healthy marriage. They'll share with you their best practices for a lasting relationship. Dive in as they discuss the resources they've used in their 26.5 and 30 year marriages. From yearly marriage enrichments and retreats, to books and powerful scripture, this is a fun conversation for marriages of all stages.

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Latte Moment Recipe: Black Coffee

For more information on resources referenced:

Gary Chapman - The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted
Dr Emerson Eggerichs - Love and Respect 
Greg Smalley - Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage and The Whole Hearted Marriage 
Stormie Omartian - The Power of a Praying Wife and The Power of a Praying Husband 
Drs Les & Leslie Parrott - Your Time Starved Marriage

www.rightnowmedia.org
@HomewiththeBeveres podcast

For deeper study on marriages, read and journal about the following Scripture: 
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/wellgroundedpodcast

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Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 0:30 Latte Moment
• 2:19 The Real Intro
• 3:22 Marriage Enrichment
• 6:30 The Importance of Date Night

Transcript

0:00

Hello. Welcome back to the well-rounded The Podcast. If this is your first time joining us, we just wanted to introduce ourselves. We are two lifelong friends sharing life over coffee and conversation. I'm Jake, and I am Tim, and we would love for you to join us today. This is how we hang out. I mean, this is usually the way we do this. We just talk and talk about life, talk about our kids, talk about our lives, how well-rounded we are. So we're just so happy to have you here. We're going to start off today with a latte moment. And, dad, would you tell us what the latte moment is today? Definitely. Okay. So today's latte moment is a drink called black coffee. I think so, yes. This is a great recipe. It's real easy to make. You simply get some coffee beans, you're going to grind them up, and then you're going to pour some water. So step one. Step two is grinding them. And step three is add water. That's pretty simple. Although my recipe is better. The recipe. You put your K-Cup in the thing and press the button with the picture of a coffee mug. I recommend the largest coffee mug. Button works as well too. But. But whichever recipe you use, the most important part. Oh, What's that? You're going to take, The milk? Yes. Of course. Milk. Steam, you know, whatever. And your sugar. And you're going to in the fancy flavor. Oh, yeah, I do. My favorite is, lavender marshmallow. Yeah, yeah. You're going to if you're going to take all of those things and you're going to set them aside. Set them aside. Yeah, yeah. You put them back in the pantry. In the fridge. Because you won't use any of that with black coffee. But will it taste as good? Well, the tasting good is different. We are. Y'all. Where are you guys going? Dan, we've been discovered. We are? We have taken over their podcast. I've been sitting in my chair. We just thought we'd do this while you were getting ready downstairs. We can't talk about you. Yes. No. Oh, Doo doo doo doo. Well-rounded. Hey. Welcome back. Now that those guys are gone. Yes. We really want to. Exactly. Yes. To get ready. Yes. Actually, we are covering, really near and dear. Subject to. Yeah. A lot of time in. Yes. A lot of prayer. Yeah. It's our marriages. It is your marriages. Yeah. Marriage. Marriages and our children's future. Marriage. Yeah. Yeah. We are going to just get into, best practice. Yeah. Observe and learn. Yeah. Can you get us started? Definitely. And it's it's kind of, you know, it's a fun subject. I think sometimes it's a touchy subject. So we want to be sensitive to people and just realize that, you know, this sometimes brings up hard memories and things, but we just want to approach it with love and care today. And we just want to, you know, bring those best practices to you. So yes, truth and love. So years ago, Tim and I, we attended, a great marriage seminar, and it really challenged us that every year we need to do something as a marriage enrichment. And that was our first thing. And I would say that was probably within the first or second year of our marriage. And so we've been married for 26.5 years, and you've been married for 30 years. So between us, we have a lot of years between us. And so, you know, they, they just really encourage that each year you need to do something that's going to enrich your marriage and we kind of took that very seriously. One of our first things that we ever attended, was a Gary Chapman seminar. And it was always very enlightening. If you haven't heard of Gary Chapman, he's written lots of great books, and one of those is The Five Love Languages. But he's also written a book called The Marriage You've Always Wanted. And there's just a lot of depth of knowledge in that book. So I would really encourage you to look into it. And there's small group studies, but that kind of launched, for Tim and I, our journey of leading a small group. We did a small group for almost probably 12 to 15 years, that incorporated about 5 to 6 couples. And every, you know, it started out maybe like twice a month. Then we went to once a month. And, as our kids got older, it was actually very hard to keep meeting and, with everybody's schedules and things, but we definitely, enjoyed being able to do that for sure. Jump in on that because we received the benefit of that. And I actually you don't know this, but I texted our ladies that were in our group. Oh I. Oh really. They sent in. Oh no way. So surprise oh surprise you. That's so fun. Oh you can have that because you and Sam really have invested in. Yeah. And that becomes like a multiplication. Where you're encouraging other people on there. Yeah I know. Hear me cry out and said hey Dan you and I are going to. Yeah. On marriage and from small group and all those years since those are still friends that we very sweet can but it has gotten even more challenging. Yeah. Structured meeting all the doing it. Yes. Yeah. We're going to get that guarantee. I know, I know, the group is kind of revolving into that next stage of life, so. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, so throughout this today when we're talking about some of these. Yeah, I'm going to be sharing some things that people said. That our friends that were in small groups that were their takeaway. Very sweet. So many years later. Yeah. So a little investment a book, a seminar. Yeah. A deliberate weekend away. Yeah. Changes things for decades. It does. It does. They are. And gone. Maybe you don't remember every page? Yeah. Every page of a study or even have every scripture on marriage. Yeah. Relational scripture. But that investment pays off. And and I think, like, if everyone can just, like, stop and think about, like when you actually can get that time to do a date night and go out and just be the two of you. And like when we would do date nights, we would kind of give parameters that we were not going to talk about the kids or talk about family or things like that. And, and actually just try to like, focus on each other. And it's really marriage building at 101. Like it really does help. And sometimes it's very hard when your kids are little. And we understand that because we've been there and done that. So but be persistent and figure it out. It's really a good idea if you think about like in dating, do you have these, different facets of your relationship? Yes. Like the friendship part, you have the physical attraction part? Yes. Yes. And if you start a piece, as a married couple. Yeah, you're missing out on some dynamic. Yes, definitely. You may have one date night that ends up turning. I've seen a lot of people. Yeah. Like their regular date night. Sometimes they're my own. Yeah. And so fun. And, you know, we've even had a getaway where half the time we were you. Yeah. Yeah. And, so, you know, I was like, yeah. Did away. Yeah. We were. I think we were disagreeing about the movie. We were in the hotel. Yes. So, yeah, it gives you a chance to work through. If it's not perfectly happy, joyous and fun every minute. Yeah. Okay. Next time. Yeah, definitely. Some things. Oh, I agree totally. Yeah. It's very fun. I wanted to share one story from Gary Chapman. This was going years and years back, but, it definitely goes out to the newlywed crowd if you're listening and just realizing that when you, first get married, you go through that honeymoon stage and you're just like, oh, they can do nothing wrong. And then that does kind of change and dissipate a little bit. And he shared a story, and I'll never forget it because it was about, cabinets. And you're like, okay, where is he going with this story? And he was talking about how his wife would, leave a lot of cabinets open every day. She would go. He would come home and the the doors were open, the doors were open, and he would be like, what is going on? Like, why does she leave all these doors and cabinets open and so he would actually he would get a lot, bring a lot of friction. He would get pretty upset about it and it would just cause some strife and not, great times. And so one day he came home and he, you know, it was kind of building a wedge in their marriage. And this is newly married. So I don't know if it was six months or a year or something like that, but it was pretty new. And he said that one day he put on his clock, and he timed how long it took to close all of the doors and cabinets, and it literally took less than 30s. And he he said from that day on, he realized that it was his marriage was worth 30s and that no longer became an argument or a strife or a struggle, but it became something that he just said, okay, this is something I have to do. Like it's not a big deal. So it was a it was a really turning moment for me, not to say that I always left doors and cabinets open, but we all do little things. I mean, there's little things that we do that can annoy each other and get on each other's nerves. And so it's just being aware of that and realizing that your spouse is not doing that on purpose. Right. And I may have shared those. I hope not, but I think I should, share this quite a bit with people that reading through, one of the books we mentioned in In Our prayer. Oh yeah. Yeah, kind of cover some of this, but praying for your spouse. In a journey to try and be a better prayer. Yes. Yes. I also discovered that there are just some really easy things. Yeah. Either. But, mine was things he requested on the grocery list. Oh, yeah. I just forget what I wanted or what the kids wanted. I forgot your stuff again, I forgot. Yeah. Yeah. And he was asking for, like, three things. Get these three things. Yes. Yes. But, I remember thinking, like, that's such an easy way to say. Yeah, I care about him. Yeah. You know. Yeah. And so it was, And if you're watching, I might be still struggling with this. But, something as simple as that. Yeah. Can be, like, turn into a big fight. Sure. I'm sorry, I can't. Yeah. Take care of the kids. You know that defensiveness? Yeah. But there's also just some really thoughtful things. And I want to just bring up one quick thing because. Yeah, one thing, one issue with marriage is that it's two people. Strong willed. Determined. Yeah. My opinion on this I have my perspective on this. What am I getting out of this. Yeah. Yeah. And flipping that script and taking some time to say what am I giving giving I how am I showing love. Sure. You're not loving me enough or you're not doing this for me. Yeah. Every marriage book kind of starts with that. Yeah. Addressing that issue of someone feeling neglected. Someone I'm feeling hurt that I'm putting all this in. And then you're like, yeah. Me there. Yeah. Isn't doing this. So being able to kind of address and say this is two people. When one goes down. Yeah. To pull them up. Yeah. You have to you're going to see seasons of marriage. It's a long it's a long story. Yeah. It's a journey. It's not a destination. Yeah. One day. Yeah. Or one week where my feelings are definitely experienced. Yeah. Like, could my spouse be doing more? Yeah. Or thinking of me more? Sure. But looking at it as a long story and saying, we are in a pit right now or we're in a desert right now. Yeah. Get past that. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. Having good will? Yeah. We're all in the same. Yes. We're not against each. Yeah. Well. And, some someone had told us years ago, too, that marriage is about 101 hundred, not 1550. Like, so many times, you're like, okay, I'll get 50% and the other person will get 50% and meet me in the middle. And it's not that it's about each person giving 100% all the time and giving that in. And it's so it's not a competition. It's not trying to outdo each other, but it's it's coming in and doing everything together. So on the day when there's sickness. Yeah. Better or worse. Those kinds of things. Yeah. 100% needs to come in. Yeah. Needs to be. Keep in mind. Yeah. The other person struggling? Definitely. Well, we wanted to share some of our best practices, and things. And. So, Leanne, maybe you want to kick it off with our one of our books that we had and and one of our studies, which was Love and Respect that, Doctor Emerson aggregates. And this book has been around quite a while. But it has a plethora of great information. So we actually. And Dan, I got to see him in person. Oh that's great. And, I got a little mini seminar. Yeah. We did it. Okay. Yeah. Really cool. Because he's addressing that passage of wise respecter. Yeah. Love your wife. Yeah. So, in reverse order. But but basically, when you're not feeling like, oh, my husband doesn't love me as much. Yeah, as I love him. His commodity, his language is communication. Yeah. Respect category. And a lot of marriages. There's no movies. Yeah. Romance books that are talking about respect for men. Yes. And so it's a biblical concept? Yeah. Wisdom to apply that to your marriage and say I'm trying to get him to speak. Not sure, but am I speaking his language? Yeah. Just like. Yeah. The love languages. Yeah. What you give is a lot of times what you want. Yeah. But understanding men and women are really different. Wives are coming and looking for something. Yeah. And just to, go back to that on March 31st, passage says her husband is respected at the city gate. Yeah. Like that's something. You know, the whole passage is about women and about a noble wife. Yeah. Wonderful wife. Yeah. But why does that matter? Because that is what men are, needing for my husband. Yeah. Is going to feed and fuel men to do the things. It's good stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Provide and protect and do all these things and so good. Yeah. So definitely male brain versus female brain is two different things. You have to always, always realize that the word of God. Yes. Oh, yeah. From books. Yeah. Psychologist. Very much so. I know for me, we've had lots of different books that we've done over the years. And the Somali family there is Gary Smalley is the father, and Greg Smalley is the son. And and they do a lot of great marriage retreats. They do marriage, small group studies. And we've done multiple of those. And one of the things that, Doctor Gary Smalley said, which is the dad is he discovered things about retreating versus confrontation in a marriage and it's hard because usually one person is a retreat and the other person is to confront her and face. Yes. And you even find this in your kids, you know, they you know, it is kind of an innate thing. And it definitely, you know, doesn't really change over time, but you have to learn how to adapt to that and realize. I, I think for me, I'll confess that I am the confront her. I'm not the retreat her. And so, you know, many years in the beginning of our marriage, I'd be like, what is wrong with you? You know, why are you just leaving the room when I'm trying to talk to you? And, we did come through, you know, some time and realize, you know, how to work through that and how to get through it and not be negative about it. And so learning that about your spouse, realizing how you can, build upon that is very crucial for sure. We, we have a similar. Yeah. Where I was like, what do you mean you don't have a response? Yeah. Like, I don't want to say something I'm going regret. Yeah, well, you got to say something. Yeah. Yeah, I went through that cycle where I'm at. What's happened is 30 years. Years of dating before that. Yeah. Is there's an understanding that I need to adapt to thinking before I speak. Sure. Yeah. That he taught me. Yeah. And something like that. Yes. I didn't need to just say that. Yeah. Thinking without monitoring. Yeah. Through that. So yeah, there's a lot we mentioned. Power praying. Yes. However praying. Husband. These books are so neat. They just have such practical needs. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I need to reread and see if the examples are like. Yeah. Before. I'm on the landline. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But the concepts are good. Yeah. The heart mind. Yeah. So we're we're coming to you from this. These couple of decades of experience. Yeah. Some of the things. But, And what's really neat right now is when you can, a lot of these, like, we're talking about a lot of book studies, but you can, listen to these on YouTube. You can listen to these on audiobook. There's. Yes. Yeah. So there's a lot of resources out there. And, you know, you obviously check your source and things, but it's great to be able to utilize that wherever you can. It's not always just in a book, but yeah, there's a current podcast that I really like called At Home. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. And that mostly their grandkids. And talking about their kids. So even a generation younger than. Yeah. They have their parents on sometimes. That's fun. But it is their children who are parenting and young parents. Yeah. Kind of talking about what they're walking through and what they learn. Yeah. So there's a lot of good stuff. That is great. Well, one verse that I did want to share, for this, this time today is coming. You know, a lot of people use this as the wedding verse. It's in almost, you know, every marriage book and it comes from first Corinthians 13. It's the passage from four through eight and it talks about love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, and love never fails. And what's really neat about that is we were at a marriage workshop one time, and they said, every time you hear the word love, replace that with your spouse's name and it really changes your perspective on how you think about them. And so if you do go through that and you say so-and-so is patient, so-and-so is kind, so-and-so does not envy, does not boast, does not proud. It really does change your heart. And especially if maybe you're in a time of or a season that you're not in the word or doing things and that, maybe you're having some strife in your marriage. And so it's, it's really to me, that was very impactful that someone taught us one time. Yeah. And and that love concept is a fruit of the spirit. Yeah. So there's even the verse says God is love. Like he is the very definition. So this is not something you can always just want to be more loving. Like yeah. It is an outflow of your life. To be able to get back to your. Yeah. To be able to to honor him. Yeah. Yeah definitely. And some of these things are really practical and I would say they come up at different times. Right. Yes. So one season you may be working on. Always. Yeah. Another season you may be working on not being so selfish. Sure. Self aware. Yeah. Making it all about you. Another season might be, Where jealousy. Yeah. Yeah. Persevering. Those kinds of things. Not keeping that record around. Yeah. No scorekeeping. Yeah. No scorekeeping. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Things are good. So, we had noticed in pulling verses on marriage that a lot of emerges. Relational. Yeah. Like the the marriage relationship is the most intense. It's the most under the microscope. It's intended to be for life. It's created to be. Yeah. Of how Christ wants the church. Yeah. The husband and the wives relationship. Yeah. And so. But there are so many that you hear that you're going to see come up in, in any kind of Bible study with us. But, I was going to share the Proverbs six. Oh, yeah. Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul. And your husband is going to need to hear kind words from you. Yeah. One of the books, I think, is love and Respect was like, right of respect. Oh, yeah. For your husband. And, And give him something that he can go back to share during a hard day. Yeah. During the day when you're just busy with kids and you're just kind of. Yeah. Right. So to be able to get that card out and say, this is how she really. Yeah. It's a big deal. Yeah. I think that's very important. And you know, some days it's harder than others. And I think, encouragement that we can give to anyone listening is that, you know, it's it takes perseverance. It takes time, it takes energy. There's some days that are better than others. And, you know, I say to this almost to everyone that is a newly married couple and that marriage is a journey and it is not a destination. And that means it doesn't stop when you get married. That just begins that journey, of marriage and how it's it's going to change. It's going to ebb and flow as your life changes, as you change, as your kids change. And so it's very important that you just kind of realize that, that those changes doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It just means it's it's a change and you just have to, learn to adapt and just trust in the Lord for sure. Right. Right. And we we are kind of putting a spotlight on the benefit of being in community. Yeah. A marriage on its own little island is is going to struggle. Yeah. Yeah. And life's and circumstances and. Kid things because that's another season. Yeah. One of the one of the studies. Yes. Like year seven. Yeah. Yeah. Dealing with certain things. Yeah. One of which I never was I think it was be allowed to get a divorce before the 13th and 14th year. Yes. That's really when it starts. Yes. Really. Yeah. Yeah. Wait a minute. But, Yeah. Of seeing that. But but yeah. Yeah. We had read one of our studies was called the Time Starved Marriage. And so it was just really funny about how that, that had so much, a wealth of information in it, because when we're having the little kids and we're having the activities and the schedules and the driving here and there, I mean, it definitely you have a time starved marriage. And so that intentionality that we've talked about is just very important to make sure you keep that going for your spouse and yourself. Marriage before kids. It's to adults. It's to I used to tease like, are we just kind of roommates? Like, yeah, in marriage and our daughter in that. But we were so young and independent and. Yeah. Finishing, you know, school and that kind of thing that it really changed a new dependance. When we added children into that. Yeah. Some big picture questions had to come up. Yeah. Like what do we really believe about that. What are we going to teach our children. Yeah. With that. So some of that sort of we couldn't have predicted. In those early years. Yeah. In that season. Yeah. Yeah. It's not about like having it all figured out. That kind of community around you. Yeah. If you don't have someone in the generation above you. Yeah. Get connected with someone. Yeah. Through a mentor relationship is very key. Yeah. Yeah. Walk through it and say. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Crazy. You definitely need someone in your life that, you can aspire to. You can look up to you. You can kind of see you. How did they do it? You know, and you and dad have been a little bit ahead of us. You know, through our lives and with our kids. And so, you know, you're about four years ahead in the marriage journey. And so it's it's neat to be able to see those things. The fruit of the spirit, for sure. Right. Yeah. Any way or time that you can do what Tim and Diane have done, which is invest in other people's marriages, which is to make time on the calendar and say, let's set some time aside for that. Let's do that. If you have that influence, if you're from a place of this matters to us. Yeah. We have the same issues as everybody else. The same. Yeah. Goals that everybody else for our marriage to be close to do this. So we need to to organize it so that other people. Yeah. Too highly highly. If the Holy Spirit's leading you in that way. Yeah. So I think as we wrap up today, we're definitely going to, you know, make sure that you, we put some verses in our notes. We're going to put that later. Hey, moment, that black coffee recipe wink, wink. And the notes. We're going to make sure that we, you know, just highlight, some of the things that we've talked about, some of the books that we've talked about today. And we as always, we love to get listener questions, comments, anything that may be on your heart. So please just let us know. And our Instagram at Well-Grounded podcast how we can better help you as well. So we're just excited. Yes. Yes. It matters. Yeah. Worth investing in? Absolutely. Families. Extended. Families. Communities. Yeah. Mayor. Just bless everybody. It was God's design. Absolutely. So as we leave today, we're going to share our blessing with you. And that is always to. So that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith, that you may be rooted and grounded in love. And we want you to stay refreshed and encouraged and stay well grounded.