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Welcome to the neuro nurture podcast, dedicated to equipping and supporting families, navigating the world of autism and neurodiversity. I am your host, Kirsten Sullivan, who is on a mission to help autism families go from surviving to thriving. Welcome to the show. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another NeuroNurture podcast episode. Today is about when your neurodivergent autistic child has a big response. They escalate when they hear the word. Now this can be a very challenging situation to navigate, whether you're a parent or a teacher. Many parents of neurodivergent autistic children, their face is on a regular basis. Basis, these big escalations, these big behaviors to hearing the word no. Now this is challenging, right? But don't worry, I'm here to provide you with some actionable steps and solutions to help you navigate these moments with a lot of confidence and success and yes, compassion. So before we dive into that, I am excited to announce that I am finally offering a one on one parent coaching and support to you. And we dive into whatever you are struggling with. So whether it is behavior, whether it's school support or sensory needs or structure or routine or building that solid connection, setting up a home environment for your child, that your child's able to thrive in whatever you are struggling with, we dive into eight action packed sessions. It's all online with an initial assessment, and I really help and navigate and support you and set you up for success to help you navigate dealing with whatever challenges and situations you are struggling with. So if you want to reach out to me, you can take a look on my website, neuronature. co. za or reach out to me over on Instagram, pop me a DM. Let's work together and let's really set you and your child and your family up for success. So let's get into why your child struggles with hearing the word no. yes, it might be that your child doesn't understand the concept of no. The bigger and more likely reason. Is that your child definitely knows that there is some sort of negative correlation between hearing the word no, and then being denied access to an object or something that they are desiring in that moment. So let's get into the reasons. The first one is we know that autistic children really struggle with transitions. They have difficulty with transitions. They struggle with unexpected changes. We know that, but hearing the word no can disrupt their expectations and routines. And this can lead to a lot of distress. No can also be a very triggering word for your child. So even if they don't understand the concept of no. It is very restrictive for them because you're telling them everything that they cannot do. No, don't run. No, don't bite. No, don't get the iPad, for instance. And this might feel very controlling. And this might really take away their freedom. Now, if your child has a PDA profile as well, for those of you that don't know, it's a pathological demand avoidance profile. And this basically means that whatever demand is being placed on your child, your child will perceive that as a threat. So their survival brain lights up and it is the equivalent of a big lion chasing you coming at you at full speed. This is what it feels like when you place a demand on your child and they have this PDA profile. So we want to get into reframing and that's a solution that I will be discussing later on. But when your child hears the word, no, this might take away that freedom. So it might feel very controlling, very overwhelming, and your child has to come to terms with these new boundaries that you are setting, and this might feel like their autonomy is being stripped away from them. Another reason for understanding this response is communication challenges. So a lot of the times autistic individuals, they struggle with expressing emotions and needs. So this can really lead to a lot of frustration when they are denied something that they want or need. Now, this is backed up by a lot of research. A lot of studies out there show that neurodivergent individuals, they often have these heightened emotional responses due to differences in brain connectivity and processing. A lot of neurodivergent brains, most neurodivergent brains process a lot more information on a daily basis compared to neurotypical brains. So whereas neurotypical brains, they won't take in half the amount of sensory stimuli in their environment compared to neurodivergent brains. So their brain is already in overdrive. So when they hear the word, no, it can be very tough for them to navigate this. And this also ties in very nicely with executive functioning issues. So the problems with this. Having executive functioning challenges, such as flexibility or impulse control. This can make it so much harder for them to handle disappointment and adjust their behavior accordingly. Now I want to put in a little side note here. I am not saying that we never, ever want to use the word. No, it is such a common word. It just slips out and we're wanting to basically set your child up for success. To be independent, to go out there in the big world and to be independent. And your child will be faced with being denied access to items and things that they cannot have in that moment. It's part of life. It's part of being out there. And. We want to basically set them up for this success. So we want to have those bounds in place. We want to have those consequences in place. We want to have that discipline and no discipline is not a negative word. Discipline purely means to teach a lot of negative connotations around the word discipline, but it just means to teach. So even though we are wanting that independence. Maybe the initial stages comes with that reframing that I was talking about earlier on. When we get into some actionable steps, it might be that your child is also desensitized to the word no. And what I mean by this, I want to give you an example. It's almost as if. They don't even hear the word. No. So they are hearing the last word that you tell them. For instance, let's take running the concept of running. Cause this is quite common. A lot of it is to get struggled with elopement. And if you say something like, no, don't run. They might only hear the last word. They might only hear run because they are probably so desensitized to the no, because we say it so often. So they're only hearing that last word. By reframing, so instead of saying, no, don't run something that you can say that is more positive is come to me and by reframing this more positively, you are telling them what they can do, not what they can't do. All the things that they cannot do. And I want you to think about this for a moment and think about your own situation and really personalize it to your situation with your child. And when you told your child no, and what happened and how you could have maybe reframed that in a slightly more positive way that provide your child with choices, with options, so they are feeling in control, you are giving that autonomy, that freedom back to them. But you're not highlighting it in a negative way. The next thing that I want to say is to prepare for transitions. We want to do everything in our power before we give them an ultimatum. So this might mean setting up a visual schedules. So you're basically showing your child in a visual way that you're outlining all of the daily activities and transitions that they have to engage in in that day. Now I know that there are often unexpected changes that occur, but if we try and implement this regularly, and if we stick to the schedule, this will create so much predictability and routine and structure, and it will really reduce anxiety and make these transitions for when they can have a preferred item to when that preferred item needs to be taken away. A lot easier. So these visual schedules, you can build in their activities and their desired objects, whatever they're wanting. So iPad, food, the computer, whatever they are wanting, you can build that into their visual schedule where they're able to see exactly when they are getting access to that item. And when they have to move on to the next task, the next actionable insight that I want to provide is effective communication. We know that a lot of autistic kids, they, they struggle with responding to open ended questions. It's all about how we reframe our communication. For example, you can say, We can't play with that right now, but how about we try this instead? So you want to be very clear. You want to be very concrete. You want to be very directive with your language and you're wanting to ask closed ended questions. Cause oftentimes. They are unable to process those open ended questions because there are just so many responses that they can say that they end up not even communicating with you at all. And that's what we don't want. We want that continuous communication between the two of you constantly. Also using a visuals, pictures, visual aids to communicate choices and really alternatives very clearly can also help so much. The next strategy that I want to get into is a redirection without the negative language. And this really ties into the concept of a redirection without the negative language really well, because we're redirecting your child to other options. Because we are redirecting your child to other choices, providing that autonomy, but you're not using that negative language. So it's not a trigger for them. Their nervous system doesn't go into that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode instantly because of hearing the word no, because that no is a trigger word. The next thing is teaching the coping strategy of problem solving skills. When we teach them problem solving skills, we are basically providing them with the tools to discuss different ways of handling disappointment. And you want to practice these scenarios together. You want to role play. You want to really provide very tangible ways and examples to your child of how to handle disappointments when they are placed in certain situations. Because this coping strategy will help them transition a lot quicker. It will help them with that executive functioning challenge of impulse control. It will help them with the communication challenge of perhaps really finding it difficult to express their emotions and needs. And we really want to make these solutions long term. So even though we're focusing on in the moment, actionable steps for long term success, consistency and positive reinforcement really are key. So you want to really establish consistent routines and you want to stick to them as much as possible. Also reinforcing positive behavior continuously on a daily basis and really promoting that parent child connection. You, you really wanting to connect with your child, spend that quality time, really have that open communication with them because without that connection, without there being that solid foundation, it's very tough for your child to interact with you. Particularly when you are not giving them access to something that they want. It's always just important to note that every child is so unique. So I always say these strategies, what works for one child might not work for the other. It's a trial and error process, but eventually through this process, you will figure out what strategies work best for your child. And just to say, you're doing an amazing job. Every step forward, no matter how small is a huge victory. And if you want more personalized and tailored strategies and approaches specifically for your child, reach out to me, neuro nurture. co. za or DM me on Instagram, and let's set your child up for success and give them that skill acquisition that they are needing in order to thrive. So that's it for today's episode. I hope you found these tips very helpful and that you feel slightly more equipped to handle these big responses of no. Now, if you have any questions or you want to share own experiences, please reach out to me. I love connecting and don't forget to subscribe and until next time, take care and keep nurturing those amazing minds. 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