Chat out of Hell

Episode 3.6 - All Revved Up with No Place to Go | I'll Kill You if You Don't Come Back

• Emma Crossland & Sam Wilkinson • Season 3 • Episode 6

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Better late than never, it's Chat out of Hell!

This episode Emma really opens up, generously unburdening herself in the name of amusement with a classic Meat Loaf Memory. Meanwhile Sam continues to fail to find any sincerity in himself, as his attempts at some Steinman-esque lyrics proves. Our questions this week:

- Who invented the keyboard body strap?

- Who goes around picturing women to get them in the creative mood?

- What would our Whigfield podcast be called?

PLUS our intrepid pair launch draft one of some Steinman lyrics on the world, an excellent Nikki French anecdote and a significant amount of sundry nonsense.

Keep your comments, reviews and arguments flying in to chatoutofhell@gmail.com, find us on Facebook or Instagram by searching Chat out of Hell and don't forget to use the hashtag #makeEmmafeelbetter.

Go watch our awful Film Club choices if you must (BloodRayne and Dead Ringer) and we'll see you in April!

Chat out of Hell is a is a review podcast: all music extracts are used for review/illustrative purposes. To hear the songs in full please buy them from your local record shop or streaming platform. Don't do a piracy.

Music extracts on this episode:
All Revved Up with No Place to Go by Meat Loaf from the album Bat out of Hell (1977)
I'll Kill You if You Don't Come Back by Meat Loaf from the album Dead Ringer (1981)

Send us a text

Sam:

What is this?

Emma:

This is Chat Out of Hell, podcast where we dive into a vat of gloopy information about the worlds of Jim Steinman and Meat Loaf. Gloo

Sam:

Who is Meat Loaf?

Emma:

Meat Loaf is a singer and actor who was once John Belushi's understudy in the National Lampoon stage show on Broadway. Who's Jim Steinman?

Sam:

Jim Steinman is a man whose fridge lost power for two weeks, and instead of dealing with it, he just left it until he moved house.

Emma:

Having read a bit of Meat Loaf's biography about Jim Steinman, I can absolutely believe that.

Sam:

Do you want the full quote?

Emma:

Go on.

Sam:

"One time I went to California for two weeks, came back, and there had been an electricity failure. I opened the icebox and things were pretty much rotted, but I couldn't deal with cleaning it, so I just closed the door. And of course, things kept progressing in that direction. I couldn't deal with it, so I just stopped using the icebox. About a year later, I opened the door and this yoghurt grabbed at me. Finally, I moved out of the apartment rather than clean it.

Emma:

kind of approve of Jim's approach. Sounds like the sort of thing that I would do. Who are we?

Sam:

We are comedians Sam Wilkinson and Emma Crossland, and by the time you're listening to this, it'll be too late to come to our show, Crossland and Wilkinson Mean Business, at the 2025 Leicester Comedy Festival. We'll have done our show by now, and it was brilliant slash awful delete as appropriate. But we will be doing it at the Derby Ram

Emma:

We will, yes.

Sam:

Jehoon.

Emma:

On a date in Jehoon. Jehoon.

Sam:

Look up the Derby Ram Festival.

Emma:

Excellent.

Sam:

Welcome to Chat Out of Hell! Bow now now now! Lovely.

Emma:

You alright? Yeah! Not bad, thank you. Sam, how are you?

Sam:

Seven out of ten.

Emma:

Seven out of ten. Are you looking forward to the break? Where we don't have to listen to Meat Loaf songs for a

Sam:

I am, but I also love that you phrased that question in the same way that you ask a child as it's approaching the summer

Emma:

Well, we are approaching half

Sam:

you looking forward to your break? Yeah, will they give you some homework to

Emma:

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Sam:

you normally have to do a project, don't you? So this is Chat Out Of Hell, where we both bring a Meat Loaf or Jim Steinman song to the table to dissect in our own inimitable way, and then rate it on our officially recognised Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman rating scales. Emma, what song have you for us this time?

Emma:

I have brought, I'll Kill You if You Don't Come Back from Dead Ringer. What have you

Sam:

sounds cheery. Well I've All Revved Up With No Place To Go the first album, Bat Out Of Hell. And we're gonna listen to that one first, by dint of it being slightly better known So listeners, go away, find your YouTube or your Spotify, or your own imagination, just imagine what it might sound like. Listen to All Revved Up With No Place To Go. We're gonna listen to it now. Here's a little clip of it, like what they do on the radio and that.

Soundtrack:

All revved up but no place to go You know what it's like All revved up but no place to go Of a scheming knight I'm tossing in my seat

Sam:

we've just listened to All Revved Up with No Place to Go. Emma, are you all revved up?

Emma:

I'd like to talk about the opening sax. I wrote down that it sounded like it had come straight out of the title sequence of a 70s cop show or sitcom.

Sam:

okay, my notes say it's a very thin line between sexy sax and sitcom theme sax I've gone on to say take away the lyrics and you've got the opening credits to a sitcom starring Richard Briers and Penelope

Emma:

Yes,

Sam:

Or it's a bit Cagney and Lacey.

Emma:

Cagney and Lacey indeed is what

Sam:

lovely.

Emma:

That's all I've really got to say about it.

Sam:

what, the song or the sax?

Emma:

I'm not a fan of the song. I really like the opening couple of lines, and then it sort of changes direction a little bit in the melody. Goes from being Kind of interesting to being a bit bog standard, I

Sam:

Okay, yeah, so lyrically it's not one of Jim's best, is it? It is very much, this is a bonus one for you, I'm horny, horny, horny,

Emma:

horny. Yeah,

Sam:

Yeah, that's exactly what it

Emma:

it's another I'm horny song

Sam:

not as, lovely and playful with the lines as a lot of Jim's other, horny teenage boy works.

Emma:

it's no Paradise by the Dashboard

Sam:

is no Paradise by the Dashboard Lights. It's a song about a teenager who spends every Saturday night getting dressed up all nice to find an attractive person, or pretty baby, in order to make you mine.

Emma:

A pretty baby.

Sam:

um, so, We can safely assume that while Meat Loaf and the boys are singing All Revved Up With No Place To Go, the girls are singing Whigfield's Saturday Night. They are mirror images of one

Emma:

another. Yeah.

Sam:

this is from the Bat Out Of Hell album, track number four. This is one of the songs that came off the Neverland musical.

Emma:

Okay.

Sam:

Neverland. Which did become the Bat Out of Hell musical. and also the film Bat Out of Hell 2100 on the way. We've not discussed Bat Out of Hell 2100 yet, but your face. The script is marvellous and you should read it before we go see the musical.

Emma:

Okay.

Sam:

Um, but yeah, so this was a single in the UK, can't find an easy reference for how well it charted, which probably tells you everything. yeah, Edgar Winter is our sax player there. Edgar Winter is a famous musician in various ways. He was born in 1946 in Beaumont, Texas. In his thumbs down column. Edgar Winter produced, arranged and performed on the 1986 album Mission Earth. The album's lyrics and music were written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Yeah, Hubbard is said to have left detailed instructions and audio tapes for the musicians and producers to follow when making the album. Winter described Mission Earth as"both a return to rock's primal roots and yet highly experimental." Winter wrote, Ron's technical insight of the recording process was outstanding." man's dead, Edgar. You don't have to suck up to him anymore.

Emma:

has curiosity made you listen to any of it?

Sam:

No, because I don't want to be on a

Emma:

list. Yeah.

Sam:

So that's his thumbs down column in the thumbs up column Edgar Winter is the inventor of the keyboard body strap

Emma:

Wow. Which

Sam:

is to say Edgar Winter is the father of the keytar

Emma:

The keytar. The coolest of

Sam:

Absolutely!

Emma:

to have learned to have played the keytar.

Sam:

To play the keytar on a summer's day.

Emma:

It's all I really

Sam:

Yeah, do you remember when you were at a party and a boy would bring out a keytar? And all the girls would swoon?

Emma:

Oh, how we would swoon. Bashed out Wonderwall

Sam:

ha ha ha ha ha!

Emma:

What a dude.

Sam:

Hee hee hee! I love a keytar!

Emma:

It looks like a fun instrument to play. I can play a bit of piano and I can read. music, so maybe I could learn to play

Sam:

So somewhere under this sofa is a very basic MIDI keytar from the, do you remember Rock Band and Guitar Hero? Those Yes. Yeah. one of the later versions of those games had a keytar.

Emma:

Wow. Any good to play?

Sam:

I mean, I don't know, because I only played it in the Rock Band form of, you know, press the cool button and the colours and the it was a good game.

Emma:

I wonder if there are any Meat Loaf songs on Guitar Hero.

Sam:

Oh, Lordy.

Emma:

Then we'll have to

Sam:

Yeah, well, you're going to have to look that

Emma:

up. Do you still have the relevant consoles?

Sam:

Yes, Because one day I might play rock band again. I haven't for 10 years. Yeah,

Emma:

Yeah, we just found our Wii balance board

Sam:

normal. Ha ha ha ha ha. Edgar Winter, winner and loser in

Emma:

life.

Sam:

do you want to talk about the lyrics?

Emma:

Yeah, can do.

Sam:

Some of the lyrics are quite good. I like, I was a varsity tackle and a hell of a block when I played my guitar. I made the canyons rock. I was such a cool dude. Every Saturday night I felt the fever grow. Do you know what it's like? All revved up, with no place to go. That is a very universal teenage,

Emma:

Yeah, I think we know what he's

Sam:

I think we know what he's talking about, but I must say, Jim, When you get to the line, someone gotta draw first blood.

Emma:

Oh,

Sam:

Yeah, yeah. No, we all know what you mean there.

Emma:

And it's, it's not

Sam:

calm down.

Emma:

Chill out!

Sam:

Chill the fuck out,

Emma:

June. She'll touch it

Sam:

ha ha ha! Yeah, it's very, um, at a party gets his keytar out, sings about drawing first blood. Yeah. I Do like the sax. It is verging on the sitcom, but not quite. It does dance on the line, I think. but then a minute from the end it all kicks in like, Oh, I've finally done it. Brilliant.

Emma:

Bye, love

Sam:

After this song, we've only got three left from this album, so I realised it's time to start really ploughing into the fun press stuff from it, even if it doesn't relate entirely to the song. Sounds Magazine 1979 had this lovely quote,"Meat has a part in an upcoming movie, Americathon, wrestling a car in a futuristic perverse Olympic Games."

Emma:

for Film

Sam:

One for Film Club, Americathon is, unlike a lot of other movies that the two mentioned, something that did come out and looks fucking dog shit. Oh, yes! I think it's basically the same premise as Idiocracy, all the reviews are god awful, so, uh, yep.

Emma:

I imagine that's one to watch on a Sunday morning.

Sam:

And then I like this quote, actually. This is from a magazine called The Scene, Northeastern Ohio's free rock music magazine. a long masthead."If Meat Loaf is a sex symbol, he is one to thousands of non trendy looking women."

Emma:

Ouch!

Sam:

"most groupies, you know, skinny blondes with bare midriffs and big balconies...

Emma:

balconies!

Sam:

"would find Meat such a strange character that they wouldn't know how to handle him. For the most part, Meat Loaf has proven that you don't have to be some half starved pinhead to become a rock and roll star. and for all the guys in the audience Meat Loaf represents normalcy. The kind of guy you might work at the machine shop with so when Meat sings all revved up with no place to go he can sell the song he's been there brother"

Emma:

I'm still stuck on balconies, to be honest with

Sam:

you. know i haven't spotted balconies on first pass but that was very

Emma:

And

Sam:

he's a normal everyday he's a guy who works in the machine shop he's a football

Emma:

If he can do it, you can do

Sam:

Exactly. If he can parade around the stage for three hours, burning his voice out, why aren't

Emma:

doing it? Yeah. Yeah.

Sam:

It's not got the very funny, silly lyrics that he reaches for in other songs. It's not. musically as exciting as something like Bat out of Hell. it is kind of funny in the way that the whole album is, huge send up of the teenage experience, but not enough to justify that first blood line, Jim. It might be the least fun song on the album perhaps? Yeah.

Emma:

Even if it is about getting all horny before going out.

Sam:

Yeah, even if it

Emma:

Well, that's quite a fun thing, isn't it? I remember being young and going out and being all revved up. Yeah. then going out and returning back to my student digs with a lovely kebab. And a

Sam:

I did enjoy that Hehehehehehehehe Oh

Emma:

As the entirely unsuitable chap was once again not interested.

Sam:

Do a quiz? let's lift the mood. Let's edit out the past five minutes and do a quiz. So Jim and Meat Loaf did a lot of interviews while this album was touring. So I've got some juicy quotes for you below. Which one of these is a fake Steinman? A,"we've turned down an awful lot of requests for merchandise. The grossest one was, someone came up with this huge line of Meat Loaf bedclothes. quilts, bedspreads and pillowcases. That was so disgusting that it convinced us to turn them all down. The idea of someone resting their innocent head upon their Meat Loaf pillow."That's That's ungodly". Is it B?"I always write about women. All different women. They don't always exist. A lot of times I just make them up. I close my eyes a lot when I write, and that's when I see the women".

Emma:

I mean, that's definitely a Steinman quote,

Sam:

C!"You can't hear it on the album, but I'm doing a lot of Donna Summer moaning. Essentially, I just made out with myself. First I recorded the boy, then the girl's groans. It was all very hesitant, trembling."

Emma:

So

Sam:

So two of those are genuine Steinman, and one is not.

Emma:

feel a bit sick after the last one. god, they all sound very plausible. I feel like, uh, the women one. Yeah, god, I'm going to say that you have made up the awful women

Sam:

the awful women quote. Jim didn't say it.

Emma:

No?

Sam:

Meat Loaf did!"I always sing about women, all different women. They don't always exist. A lot of times I just make them up. I close my eyes a lot when I sing, and that's when I see the

Emma:

the women. Uh, uh, the women. mean, at least he's saying women and not females.

Sam:

Females. Donna Summer moaning quote, that was of course a reference, do you remember on, Paradise by the Dashboard Light, he is credited with lascivious moans. That is, of course, what it's talking about. Meat Loaf had something to say as well on that subject. if you could only hear it, it would be the best part of the album. When Jim was recording, Todd was laughing so hard he was crying. By the time he got to the girl, Todd was biting the console." good old Todd. Shout out to Todd Rongren, wherever you are. Do you want to hear what the people of the internet think?

Emma:

Always

Sam:

Cartier specialist,

Emma:

Ooh, fancy

Sam:

I saw Meat Loaf for one dollar in Oklahoma City and I still have the ticket stub. It was the first of what was supposed to be a series of 100 cent concerts sponsored by Cat Rock 1 0 5 fm, the radio station. Sorry. No, that would be KA double T.'cause that's how Americans do the radio. Nobody's moving on. I don't get it. Americans Times would I know I'm married to what? She hasn't been able to explain it to me. It's just a thing that they just baff uh, times were different. Then me and my friends all piled into my Volkswagen Beetle and went to see the concert. There wasn't a bad seat in the Civic Centre at that time, but we still had great seats. If you never got to see Paradise by the Dashboard Lights live in concert That's a shame.

Emma:

ha!

Sam:

That

Emma:

I have seen it live, so, it's all good for me. It's all good for me! He

Sam:

And, at ArchieBunker4101. Does your average millennial know what a saxophone" is?

Emma:

Ha ha ha ha!

Sam:

To which several millennials replied, yes.

Emma:

It's a fairly common instrument, it's still used a and also a lot of us have been around since the 80s.

Sam:

Also, we've all seen that episode of The Simpsons where Homer plays one and goes, sax a ma mophone. Ha

Emma:

ha ha ha yeah, we were raised on the Simpsons where Lisa plays a saxophone.

Sam:

Take that Archie Bunker 4101!

Emma:

Bunker 4101.

Sam:

Shall we rate this song? Listeners, we always rate our songs on our patented Jim Steinman or Meat Loaf song rating scale. So this song was written by Jim Steinman and therefore is governed by the holy laws of Jim Steinman for the finest songs. Jim Fineman for acceptable works and Jim Declineman for songs we don't want. Emma, what is this?

Emma:

It's a Jim Fineman.

Sam:

It is a Jim Fineman

Emma:

it's nothing special, it's

Sam:

If Jim Fineman had only written songs like this his entire career, we would be doing a Whigfield podcast right

Emma:

now. What's the Whigfield podcast called,

Sam:

Uh, saturday night and the air is getting pod

Emma:

Ooh.

Sam:

cast you, baby Jim Fineman, isn't

Emma:

it? Yeah, it's a Jim

Sam:

Jim Fineman. It's all right, Jim Fineman. Emma, what song did you bring for our lovely listeners this

Emma:

this I brought I'll Kill You If You Don't Come Back from Dead Ringer. there is, a video the YouTube. have a look at it if you want. Don't if you don't want. I'm not your mum.

Soundtrack:

I want you out of my life. But I'll kill you if you don't come back. If you don't come back.

Emma:

That was I'll Kill You If You Don't Come Back from the Dead Ringer album. wasn't a single, but it does have a video. Released September 1981. written by Jim Steinman and of course sung by Meat Loaf. what do you think to that?

Sam:

RL Grey, often slams, well, me in particular for saying Dead Ringer is a rubbish album. I'm starting to come around to RL's way of thinking. I

Emma:

is good, isn't

Sam:

good. Yeah! You might not enjoy this, but, I am seeing it as a prototype version of Lovin You's a Dirty Job But Somebody's Got to Do It. They're both about the, can't live with you. Can't live without

Emma:

uh, End of a relationship kind

Sam:

thing. Yeah.

Emma:

I, haven't listened to this song for a very long time, with good reason. It's time, for,

Sam:

Meat Loaf memories That's so out of tune Meat Loaf memories Oh Emma, pour your heart out for the listeners

Emma:

you like the story?

Sam:

will it hurt you to share?

Emma:

Yeah, but I need to. I am

Sam:

It's just you and me here, Emma. Nobody else is ever gonna

Emma:

I haven't spoken to my therapist about this one yet.

Sam:

Do you speak to your therapist about all Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman songs? all I can say about that stuff. Ha ha! Am I your therapist? This is a safe space, Emma. Thank you for sharing with us

Emma:

Sam. So. Back in year seven of high school.

Sam:

for Americans, she was about 11.

Emma:

11. Yeah, 11, 12, in my drama class, we had to, provide a piece of music to use as the background for a piece of drama that we were creating. And because I was a very strange 11 I thought that it would be best to bring the most dramatic song I could find at the time to perform to, and so, uh, I chose I'll Kill You If You Don't Come Back.

Sam:

that's such a power play for an 11-year-old.

Emma:

Essentially, I was miming along and playing out the breakdown of a relationship. And yes, it went as well as your face is indicating it would have done. It was largely met with bemused stares from my classmates and teacher. Obviously, age 12, I had not experienced the breakdown in a relationship, but I was having difficulties with my time at school at that point, because girls are horrible. and what I thought was that a performance in my drama class with this as the inspiration would really show them. What it actually showed them was that I was, as they suspected, an incredibly weird kid. I even asked the teacher if I could do the performance alone, but she wisely said that I should probably work with some other people. so another couple of sods were roped into it. and we had an excruciating time. And as it was unfolding, I realized my mistake. You know, you know when you realize as something's happening live? When the words tumble out of your mouth and you immediately know that you've made a mistake. It was very much that. But for the full length of the song, the full six minutes and however many seconds., I think the idea was that I would be all sassy in the first part of the song, I'd be all strong, throw the horrible partner out, and then when the glass breaks, that's when I would become a broken down, remorseful, lonely person. The, uh, the remorse after the storm. What a twat. What a prize twat. Sam.

Sam:

Am I allowed to? Is the story over?

Emma:

Um, yeah, that was it. Just adolescent Emma trying to purge some emotions in the worst possible way.

Sam:

Emma, thank you for sharing.

Emma:

Yeah, you're welcome. You're allowed to

Sam:

did the teacher call your parents afterwards to say how worried they are about you?

Emma:

No, but I think there were a few other instances of writing poetry and things where other teachers became a little concerned.

Sam:

Oh, Emma. This is adorable.

Emma:

I feel like I've, said too much,

Sam:

No, I don't, I think you've said exactly enough.

Emma:

I haven't been able to listen to this song since then. Because I realised. I'd gone too far. I'd made a terrible

Sam:

I just want to point out that you share the vast majority of Meat Loaf memories on this podcast, and that is not because I don't have equally excruciating stories of my youth, it's just that I've not put in the work in therapy to be able to talk about them as much as you have, so well done you.

Emma:

Do you want my therapist's phone number?

Sam:

That might help.

Emma:

help. Everyone should have therapy. It does really help.

Sam:

This podcast is sponsored by

Emma:

Therapy?

Sam:

It's not, no, BetterHelp won't sponsor us.

Emma:

Oh.

Sam:

Get fucked, BetterHelp.

Emma:

See a real therapist. Yeah, I wasn't able to listen to it. I thought I'd do it for this because I'm in a much better place now, as a 41 year old woman, I'm doing loads better than my 12 year old self was, which is, I think it's how it's supposed to be, but

Sam:

Yeah, I mean, there are some people for whom that is inversed.

Emma:

yeah. I mean, I was a really strange kid, I realise now, I was really fucking weird. But do you know what? That's alright! I thought it would be a brilliant piece of movement and theatre, and It was just awkward.

Sam:

yeah, I can see all of that, and There but for the grace of God. God

Emma:

Ha ha ha ha ha Amazingly, after that, I still went on to study drama, until A Level.

Sam:

How could you top that?

Emma:

I should have quit while I was ahead!

Sam:

Oh, Emma's in this. What, Emma? I'll kill you if you don't come back,

Emma:

You absolute fucker. But yeah, yeah. how my acting career never took off, I don't know.

Sam:

You feel better now?

Emma:

I don't know.

Sam:

Okay.

Emma:

see when I listen back to it next week. If I want to die or not. Yay!

Sam:

I don't think it's that bad a story, obviously it's, an excruciating thing to happen to you in the moment to suddenly realize at the beginning of a six minute interpretive dance piece. that this isn't going to do what you expected it to do.

Emma:

It didn't make me any more popular, Sam No. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Sam:

everybody listening to this Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman very specific review slash comedy podcast has definitely done something like that or worse. There's no doubt. Listeners, do drop us a line, chat out of hell at gmail. com if you want to be as brave as Emma better. Hashtag make Emma feel better. You were a, a, kid who done felt emotions, that's fine.

Emma:

I was an impressionable child in a tumultuous world. And they said I was at a difficult stage. they knew.

Sam:

Emma, there's no shame in that story.

Emma:

Thanks Sam, thanks. There's a little though. No! That note got really high pitched. Dudes! No, It's all fine! Fine! I feel

Sam:

I feel like one of the girls in the toilets who's found another girl crying.

Emma:

girl crying.

Sam:

you're beautiful! Yeah. Come on, let's get you, let's get mascara fixed. We'll go out and have a

Emma:

Hee he hee. We'll show him! Oh, right. So actually back to the song now that I've got my trauma out of the way, do you wanna hear what the critics had to say? Fuck you man. Just because I'm in touch enough with my emotions to be able to do this. Fuck you.

Sam:

Repression is free!

Emma:

I'm gnawing away at your insides.

Sam:

not at my bank balance

Emma:

Oh, good lord. Do you want to hear what Sounds Magazine had to say about it? Yes, I'll kill you if you don't come back, commences the flip, the second side of the album, uh, with

Sam:

thanks granddad warren's

Emma:

I'll kill you if you don't come back, commences the flip, with hard rock posturing of a gritty magnificence, only matched by Warren Zevon's current output. That is, a great Kay Rich's genre riff making with its ultra sardonic lyrics. How do you abuse me? Let me count the ways, how many hours and how many days. A shattering noise gives way to a coda of benediction. What wanky writing. reminds me of the Strawbs. Bestowed upon multitudes of young girls. Steinman showing genuine understanding of the trials of being a teenager. Struggling with the reconciliation between the desire for magic and the pain of real life. Sample lyrics. Bless all the homecoming queens of the night, they're looking for magic in gymnasium light. It's one of the greatest moments in pop song ever.

Sam:

I just had a thought about Sounds Magazine was it Sandy Robertson again? Sandy's delightfully florid prose, which you don't get in music reviews anymore.

Emma:

Sandy's pro Steinman. Propaganda. Yes! I can just imagine them at Sounds Magazine, Oh, fucking hell, Sandy, write something about somebody else!

Sam:

in the days of being paid by the

Emma:

Ha ha ha Do you want to hear what Jim had got to say? this is about Dead Ringer as an album, but it does relate to the song. he said,"This album is a little more intimate. The lyrics are more personal. It's had, like, three different titles in the last week. One of the songs is called Dead Ringer. That might be the title. The title I wanted to use was considered too strong, which was, I'll Kill You if You Don't Come Back. One of the best love songs I ever wrote."Great chorus line. In every way I want you out of my life, but I'll kill you if you don't come back."

Sam:

Which, okay, that is a great line. Jim, typically humble there in telling us how great it is.

Emma:

Of course, yes.

Sam:

Obviously Jim knows fuck all about marketing, as we

Emma:

Yes.

Sam:

I'm Meat Loaf, this is my second album, I'm really glad to be putting another record out there. I'm going to kill you! I'm a giant 300 pound footballer, and I'm going to kill you, women.

Emma:

Yep!

Sam:

So please buy it! Uh, you can get it at HMV, Woolworths,

Emma:

Our Price,

Sam:

R price.

Emma:

Oh, Andy's records. Andy's records.

Sam:

records.

Emma:

to love the Andy's records.

Sam:

Any more?

Emma:

I mean HM v's. Still there, isn't it? Yeah. Stores. Virgin Mega Stores. I used to work at HMV.

Sam:

You did? any sad stories about that?

Emma:

it It was, it was all right. it was really fucking boring, but I'm quite good at the alphabet, so it was fine.

Sam:

Go on and take your stuff. Don't even bother to pack. How? What, I want armfuls of clo Fuck you, Meat Loaf

Emma:

imagine him throwing the things out of the window as he's saying that. It is a full on EastEnders

Sam:

There's a suitcase and an armful of jumpers.

Emma:

How do you abuse me let me count the ways how many hours and how many days is fucking brilliant, isn't it? It's so good.

Sam:

So it's all literary illusions, innit?

Emma:

it? And I, when, 12 year old Emma was miming to that, I was feeling it! Yeah! The people of the internet have a few things to say.

Sam:

I thought they might chip in on this.

Emma:

Tuesday Patients said, yeah, when I was in early high school through college and freshly in love with Meat, late eighties, early nineties, I was always trying to figure out what type of girl I was and how I could become the girl he loved. Let's just say that over those years, I fit into several of his categories.

Sam:

a savage.

Emma:

Breezio5323 said, ah, the Borderline Personality Disorders theme song.

Sam:

is being

Emma:

Love the crazy Meat brought to this song.

Sam:

Is it time to rate this song, Emma? Well, Emma, this is once again a Jim Steinman song, so we refer back to our dusty ancient Jim Steinman song rating scale, where the greatest songs are Jim Steinmans, the averagest songs are Jim Finemans, and un good songs, they're Jim Declinemans. But what mans is this?

Emma:

I think it might be a Jim Steinman. The low end of Jim

Sam:

Steinman I had it down as top end Jim Fineman.

Emma:

It's difficult to

Sam:

Let me just, um, tell you the illustrious company it might be keeping in the Jim Steinmans.

Emma:

Ah.

Sam:

Bat out of Hell, of course. You took the Words right out of My Mouth. It's all coming back to me now. Nowhere Fast, after our accord.

Emma:

isn't It's a top end Jim Fineman,

Sam:

isn't it? End. Exactly. Top End? yeah, Yeah. it's Top End Jim Fineman. Top End! Jim Fineman. so, Emma, that was Chat out of Hell.

Emma:

or was it?. Well.

Sam:

Listeners, we did promise last week an update on our Jim Steinman style songwriting escapades. And, we've both certainly produced something. do have to say, having looked at my document I've not produced as much as I thought I had. do you want to make your pitch first? This is very early

Emma:

Okay, so all I've got, I've obviously got no music whatsoever.

Sam:

because neither of us are musicians

Emma:

Ha. I don't know how we're going to go about doing this. Garage band. So, I've got a title. and I'm going down the trope that, Jim has of Overdoing a cliche. So I'm calling mine. Better Late than Never. I've got some lyrics. Would you like me to read them to you? lyrics. I am cringing slightly.

Sam:

does this feel more excruciating than telling the story of

Emma:

No. It definitely, it's excruciating, but not quite as Okay, just preparing myself for my dramatic reading. the shadow of a midnight dream. Where hearts are wild and fate redeems. I walked alone on a burning road, Searching for a love I'd always known. was a thunder in my soul and fire in my eyes, Time stood still under the starry skies, The past haunted me like the ghost of forever, But now you're back, we're better late than never.

Sam:

than never.

Emma:

I'm not, I'm not done yet. It's not finished. Better late than never. I should have asked you when I could. Better late than never. You were the best in the neighborhood. Better late than never. I've always been under attack. Better late than never. But baby now you're back.

Sam:

Well done!

Emma:

Thanks. That

Sam:

is quite Steinman esque.

Emma:

Went into full Steinman madness, I

Sam:

was very good Steinman madness. Yeah, well done! I, mine is going to be so shit by comparison. I had such a difficulty Um, not just doing a parody,

Emma:

Right, because I'm trying really hard

Sam:

yeah, you were successfully so sincere, um, in a way that you and I are never sincere about anything because we're comedians. And if the laughter stops, the crying starts. Ha ha ha ha ha. Again, do you want that therapist's number So you might recall, I've been kicking around ideas about, uh, having heartburn after a big curry. which next to your work, does seem quite trite. it's a three act piece. Um, I've got act three in some sort of a form. So act one is about two lovers meeting over poppadoms. Yep, and then obviously act two is the consumption of the main curry. Um, and then we get into act three. Be my Gaviscon, tell me where the love has gone, tell me that I wasn't wrong to eat something so spicy. Be my Gaviscon, soothe the burning that is going on, burning deep inside me, because my heart is burning, burning. And then Jim does this, so why can't I? I've just recycled some earlier Jim lyrics. Heartburn. Heartburn. Heartburn. Burn us away.

Emma:

So you've Weird Al'd this

Sam:

I didn't mean to Weird Al it. I was just writing what I know. And I You've really shamed me, of. Emma.

Emma:

You remember last week you read out the, the Jim, the, Jim advice. So I tried to put all of my horrible cynicism and sarcasm to one side and think like Steinman. And I wrote this really late at night, when I should have been asleep or something. and I'd spent quite a long time listening to bits of it, to try and get in the right mood. To try and put all of that horrible, cynical, comedian away.

Sam:

I really do feel like I did my homework on the back of the bus. ha! still a long way to go with this, I don't really know where it's going to from It's good.

Emma:

I'd like to know what, the listeners,

Sam:

listeners, please do let us know what you thought of either of those. Be kind, we're not songwriters, we are twats. We

Emma:

appalling twats.

Sam:

One or two of our listeners have mentioned that they've been starting to work on Steinman esque

Emma:

Oh god, are we inspiring something awful?

Sam:

We are certainly inspiring something.

Emma:

Is it something beautiful?

Sam:

It might be something beautiful.

Emma:

Let's put out an album!

Sam:

Let's put on a show!

Emma:

hands!

Sam:

if you want to do that, you can email us at

Emma:

chatoutofhelp at

Sam:

chatoutofhellatgmail. com to which several messages have arrived this week.

Emma:

Good!

Sam:

Yeah, it's because I said to which.

Emma:

To

Sam:

genuinely reaching the point now where we have to be those wankers and say, we can't read out all of every email. I know. We've got I'm going to have to edit these as we go, because people have said some very lovely things. And, thank you for saying lovely things, everybody. We might not read out people saying nice things about us anymore, because we've got so much else going on. So,

Emma:

but if you could read the nice things to me, I could really do with it.

Sam:

yeah, I'll probably edit, I'll edit them out, but I'll do them for you now.

Emma:

It's been a

Sam:

So, we've got, from Charlie

Emma:

Everidge North. Hi, Charlie.

Sam:

You remember Charlie. Charlie sent us the Christmas charlie is still on the quest to find pictures of Jim Steinman riding a motorbike. he was talking to his partner, and in her search, so Charlie's partner, Emma, has now also joined the search for pictures of Jim Steinman on a motorbike. but she has found this publication which might be of interest to us. It's called Endlessly Horny for Wonder and Magic: how Jim Steinman's Bat out of Hell Perfectly Captured the Prepubescent American Id and Nearly Ruined Me for Life" Pop Papers, Book 5. So this is A pseudo academic text. And I say pseudo academic because it is just published on Amazon. Yeah, that's a piece that I'm gonna have to buy and read during our break, I think. To see what Tim Quirk thinks of it all.

Emma:

Mmm.

Sam:

Eddie French has been in

Emma:

Hi, Eddie.

Sam:

"Hello, well done on the podcast. you want a general Loaf opinion. I feel that the words rock and roll are misused a lot by Jim and Meat, it's not a great description of the music they make." I agree. Eddie says, I feel it's better described as, unhealthy fetishization of a 1950s America that never really existed, foie gras'd through a musical theatre goose, served on a motorbike with a barely concealed erection."

Emma:

Thanks, Eddie.

Sam:

"that's hard to fit on a label at HMV so I get the need for a shorthand."

Emma:

I mean, they're not wrong.

Sam:

They're not wrong. They've absolutely nailed that. Thank you so much Eddie. Grey's been in touch. Hello RL. Just now got to the most recent episode. I don't know if you've noticed, but we have had a lot of news to keep up with here in the U. S. Yeah.

Emma:

Sorry, guys.

Sam:

"You got a lot of great material out of two very short tracks. Nice job. Incidentally, I had long wanted context for this photo included in the program for the 1994 Everything Louder Tour, and now I know the story. Thanks!" Emma, here's the photo.

Emma:

Oh. Wow.

Sam:

a shot from, It's a Royal knockout. where Meat Loaf is posing with Sarah Ferguson, then Duchess of wherever. wherever.

Emma:

Staunch royalists.

Sam:

Them looking mildly awkward.

Emma:

Neither of them look comfortable. Neither

Sam:

of them look very happy, but I think the implication here is, the argument he had with Prince Andrew was so great that in revenge. he just took photos of himself with his wife on a tour 10 years later.

Emma:

Wow!

Sam:

"In answer to your question, there are a couple of Bruce Springsteen songs that I always thought Meat could perform nicely". And to my shame, I've not had a chance to listen to either of these, so I do apologize. But RL suggests Brilliant Disguise and I'm on Fire, Which I don't so I'm really sorry RL. I've quite busy this week So I've not listened. I'll take your word for it, and we'll have a listen to those in the break Then there's this Harry Chappin Chappin song that I just adore and again by the way that I've stumbled over this person's name No idea who they are. Song called mismatch. Thanks

Emma:

RL we will give

Sam:

And then R. L. has also linked us to what seems to be the earliest professional recording of any of Jim's songs, it's Yvonne Elliman singing a song called Happy Ending.

Emma:

Happy

Sam:

Yeah, so we'll stick that on the recommendations list, so thank you as ever R. L. And then this one from Gabriella.

Emma:

Hi Gabriela.

Sam:

Just sped through the entire podcast in a week and I'm finally up to date. It's so great to hear Steinman discourse outside of the internet, or my own head. I would say I am both learning from your podcast and hearing lore I know too well. I don't think I ever realised who the for Meat Loaf slash Steinman music was. Divorced dads and the Brits were not on my

Emma:

radar.

Sam:

This ties back to Eddie's earlier message though, because we know that the first album was made in the UK, really. British audiences absolutely lapped it up in a way that Americans didn't And I, it's because it sells this vision of Americana that we. slightly different now, but when you and I were young, America was still the thing. It was an incredibly cool thing. Even before I married Kat, I was at a family wedding and one of my elderly relatives came up to me and said, I hear you've got an American girlfriend.

Emma:

And

Sam:

And that was like the height of sophistication. So like the image of America that is painted in early Meat Loaf and Steinman stuff is plugged right into the British psyche, I

Emma:

definitely.

Sam:

Uh, so that's why that is, Gabriela."I recently turned 25 and I first became aware of Meat Loaf as a kid through Total Eclipse of the Heart. As a kid of the early 2000s, I interpreted the featuring Meat Loaf as meaning the DJ." You mentioned a DJ Meat Loaf to me the other day.

Emma:

Yeah, there was something, I think I found something

Sam:

Yeah, yeah, we don't know the DJ. I was so enamored with the Total Eclipse video when I was younger and fell hard for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. featuring Meat Loaf as a queer teen. I was so sad to hear you guys trash it, but I know it's because you've never been in a theatre of queer joy, yelling raunchy callbacks and singing along in the way O'Brien Absolutely true. Well, certainly for me, I don't know if you have.

Emma:

I've not done it before. Maybe the next time it comes to one of our local cinemas, we should actually go.

Sam:

perhaps

Emma:

We should try and find it and make the effort, but I'm not doing the dress up. I draw the line. I'm not that kind of girl.

Sam:

I've never seen Emma dressed up for

Emma:

anything. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Sam:

So Gabriella, yes, you're right. we did sort of mention this on the episode, but, I consumed. Rocky Horror as a 38 year old straight cis man sitting watching a DVD with my dog on a Saturday morning, which is completely the wrong way to consume Rocky Horror. I get that. I do. As a cultural artifact, I'm very glad that it exists to help people find other people like themselves and work out who they are and have an amazing time in a world which isn't always nice for them. So, I'm very glad that it exists, but it's not a good film."I found Bat Out of Hell at 15, then learned Marvin didn't write his own songs. I've had Steinman brain rot ever since. Like Emma, I was an angsty and dramatic teen. teen. You're gonna love Gabriella, do

Emma:

And that was the only short

Sam:

us?

Emma:

for it.

Sam:

And Meat Loaf slash Steinman spoke to me deeply. I know every song by heart. And like many other Steinman fans, as I've learned from your podcast, I wrote a musical of Steinman songs when I was barely 17. It centers a butch slash femme romance around a beach bonfire. I like to think it would piss off Aday and Steinman.

Emma:

It

Sam:

You read us Steinmaniac's fantasy evenings with Jim. Later on, you shared Steinman liking to sit in his hangar, blasting music and smoking a J. my fantasy night with Jim is being on that blunt rotation. I'm submitting Left in the Dark slash Medley featuring Barbara Streisand and yet another Steinman monologue."Can't wait to hear your thoughts". Preview, I love Left in the Dark and I like the Barbara Streisand version a lot. Um, but yes, we'll stick that on the list. Thank you very much, Gabriella.

Emma:

That's lovely!

Sam:

And then link to that, talking of queer culture. This is from Sean Ponsonby.

Emma:

Hi Sean.

Sam:

Hi guys. I don't have a personal story with Jim or Meat, but I'm from Liverpool, and as I'm sure you're aware, we had Eurovision here in 2023. As part of that week, I was asked to host an interview and Q& A with Niki French, who was a former UK Eurovision entrant. Obviously she had a hit with the dance version of Total Eclipse of the Heart, produced by Stock and Aitken but not Waterman. For Gabriella and other people not from the I love how we're one foot in Britain and one

Emma:

Yeah, one in the U. S. Yes. We are straddling the Atlantic. Some of

Sam:

Like, what's that reference to Richard Briers gonna do for people like Gabriella, a 25 year old queer

Emma:

Canadian? It'll give them some homework to do.

Sam:

What I didn't know was that this got her on Jim's radar and they started work on a project together later in the decade."I didn't know that either. Of course, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to ask someone who had worked with Jim about him, so even though it was a Eurovision event, I made sure to bore the room full of people who had traveled for the finals by teasing out as many details about Jim as I could."

Emma:

Wonderful.

Sam:

"Unfortunately, the event wasn't recorded and I was hosting, so I had half a mind on keeping things ticking, so I can't remember everything she said, but she did reveal that the collaboration fell apart, as this was right after Jim had scored major hits with Celine Dion and Boyzone, and remixing Take That's Never Forget for the single edit, which I wish we would all talk about more, cos what the fuck? I guess we have to talk about that at some point."And his management were pushing for him to work with more superstar acts. She was quite camp, and most of her anecdotes included the phrase,'Cause I'd had a bottle of wine".

Emma:

Oh, I love that!

Sam:

"She clearly loves wine, and she said something about Jim that I thought was very nice, sounds like a dick at times. He gave her a very expensive bottle of wine, dated from 1994, which was the year that she had her hit with Total Eclipse. I thought that was sweet." That was sweet, that's lovely. That is, yeah. There's two versions of Jim that shine through and one of them is a very lovely man to his friends and loved ones and the other one is a bellend to his friends and loved ones. P. S. shameless plug, currently nearing completion of a book about unlikely queer icons and have written a mini chapter on Meat and Jim because my word everything they did feels so gay". Sean, please do tell us when that book is out and what it's called because,

Emma:

to read that. that'd be amazing.

Sam:

Thank you so much everybody who's written in so, Emma, what songs are we doing next time? There isn't a next time. We're we're having one of our traditional end of series breaks. So we're going to be away for a few weeks, but we will be back on April the 7th for our edition of Chat Out of Hell Film Club, where we're both gonna watch some probably God awful films feature Meat Loaf. Emma, you've decided on your suggestion.

Emma:

going to watch Dead Ringer.

Sam:

Dead Ringer, available on the YouTube, I believe.

Emma:

yes.

Sam:

and I'm dipping into our suggestion box for this one. I'm gonna choose the film Bloodrayne. That's Blood R A Y N E. which is a legendarily shit video game spin off movie about a sexy lady vampire. We can probably find out on streaming or something. It's on Apple. So we're going to watch those and come back for Film Club on April the 7th. And then just to get you all teed up, we're very excited about seeing the Bat Out of Hell stage show in April. So when the podcast returns for real on April the 21st. We are going to go into a deep dive into the Dream Engine.

Emma:

Dream Dream Engine. Woo!

Sam:

is, as all of you will know by now, Jim Steinman's first effort at a musical theater show. There is a weird bootleg recording of it on Jim's website. if you really want to listen to the whole thing, it's probably not worth it. We'll tell you all about it. We'll do that work so you don't have to, but in the meantime, please do keep your general Meat Loaf thoughts and anecdotes flying in. Did you see Meat Loaf at Popeye's Chicken looking for a big can of spinach? us know,

Emma:

chatoutofhell at gmail. com. Yeah,

Sam:

like that one?

Emma:

that

Sam:

Thanks. Off the top of my head and everything., that's been Chat Out of Hell series three.

Emma:

We'll see you for series 4.

Sam:

Bye bow now now now