Chat out of Hell

SPECIAL FILM CLUB #3

• Sam Wilkinson

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Series four of Chat out of Hell is just around the corner, but first, it's FILM CLUB PART III!

Our films this time are a real dichotomy - Meat Loaf plays both himself and his own obsessive fan in Dead Ringer, then he plays a sex-mad creature of the night in Bloodrayne.  Or possibly I've said that the wrong way around.

These are, and I can't stress this enough, dreadful films. You should not under any circumstances watch them. We've done the hard work so you don't have to.

Chat out of Hell returns for series 4 on Monday 21st April with a discussion of Jim Steinman's first dramatic work, the Dream Engine (Dream Engine... Dreams...) before Sam and Emma go off to watch the Bat out of Hell stage show.

Keep your comments, reviews and arguments flying in to chatoutofhell@gmail.com

Chat out of Hell is a is a review podcast: all music extracts are used for review/illustrative purposes. To hear the songs in full please buy them from your local record shop or streaming platform. Don't do a piracy.





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Sam:

What is this?

Emma:

This is Chat out of Hell Film Club where we take two films featuring or adjacent to Meat Loaf and or Jim Steinman, and we watch them against our better judgment so that you don't have to, you can if you like, I'm not stopping you, I'm not your mum, but don't go outside instead, spend time with your loved ones. Feel the grass beneath your feet.

Sam:

Who is Meat Loaf?

Emma:

Meat Loaf was a singer, writer and actor, an all round renaissance man. Also a man who had an ex-girlfriend called Candy Darling.

Sam:

Of

Emma:

Who's Jim Steinman?

Sam:

Jim Steinman is a man who had no material involvement with the films we're discussing today, so I wouldn't worry about it. Okay, I bet he'd have liked

Emma:

one of those. Who are we?

Sam:

We are Sam Wilkinson and Emma Crossland. Two comedians who have had a bit of a break from podcasting and are both hoping we can remember how to do it. Welcome to Chat Out of Hell Film Club Bow Now. Now

Emma:

Bing

Sam:

films.

Emma:

It all sounds like, we've got a dog to do those bits.

Sam:

Films,

Emma:

sausages. Hi Sam.

Sam:

Hi Emma. So this is sort of, it's not quite series four, this is the void between series.

Emma:

Oh, what a void.

Sam:

We've had six whole weeks of not thinking about the work of Meat Loaf. Was that a nice six weeks? nice week. All I'm saying is that spring has arrived in that time and I don't think that's a coincidence.

Emma:

But now, we're back on all bullshit. Winter is

Sam:

Yes. Leaves will fall off the trees immediately. Darkness will reign.

Emma:

Rayne. Oh, it's nice to be back innit.

Sam:

Hello listeners as always, this is our special film club where we're not gonna talk about any Meat Loaf or Jim Steinman music. So if that doesn't interest you. Yeah, fair enough. We'll see you in two weeks time for the proper start of series four. Everybody else. Hello. Hi. Welcome back. Um, I know we say this every time we do a film club, and Emma said it at the beginning, don't watch these films.

Emma:

There're, only a finite number of hours in your

Sam:

Yes.

Emma:

Don't waste them with this. Like do listen to the podcast'cause you can do that while you're doing other things like. As, you know, driving

Sam:

Emma, what movies for our American cousins? Movies. What movies have we selected for our film club?

Emma:

Well, I've brought Dead Ringer, which was the supposed promo movie for the album, Dead Ringer that never really surfaced. What did you bring?

Sam:

I brought the film Bloodrayne, which was a tie-in movie to a video game called Bloodrayne, which came out in 2005. And Meat Loaf was in it a bit.

Emma:

Good. Meat Loaf was in, Dead Ringer a

Sam:

lot. Yeah.'cause it's a, it's a film by and about Meat Loaf Shall we talk about that one first? Yes. Okay. So listeners go away, don't watch Dead Ringer. It's quite hard to watch anyway.'cause I don't think it was ever officially released.

Emma:

you can't find it on the YouTubes.

Sam:

You can find it on the YouTubes, but I believe even in, in edited form.

Emma:

Yeah. I don't think we've seen the full

Sam:

No, I think I did see on the Meat Loaf Reddit, there was a showing of it in a cinema in the US about six months ago. So saw that go back in time and watch it then, I guess. but really you don't have to.'cause as we've already mentioned, it's dreadful. Emma, Emma tell us all about Dead Ringer.

Emma:

Dead Ringer is part documentary, part fiction. All bullshit, Meat Loaf who is playing himself. Is becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the inane demands, of an artist releasing an album. Would you say that that's a fair place that

Sam:

Yeah. Some very cheap opening credits

Emma:

Oh, dreadful opening

Sam:

credits. Reminded me of an episode of Dallas. Yeah. A mysterious man bought a hot dog and then didn't eat it. And then we see Meat Loaf. His limo doesn't start. So he grumpily goes for a walk. And Meat Loaf is just a grumpy gus for the rest of this film.

Emma:

an absolute dick, isn't he?

Sam:

he? He's such a miserable fucker. Meat Loaf grumps on down the road. He grumps about not being able to use the payphone. He wants Grump grump grump. He grumps down the phone line about not wanting a mechanic. He wants a tow truck. Grump. Grump grump. He should be called Grump Loaf.

Emma:

interspersed with Grump Loaf. You keep getting the mysterious man, walking down the road, he keeps buying food and throwing it away. So he's clearly on some kind of weird restrictive

Sam:

Yes..

Emma:

Bat out of hell Plays

Sam:

and then when we finally see Marvin's face, he looks exactly like Roland Browning from

Emma:

Yes. Yes, he does. Roland Roland,

Sam:

Roland Roland. Yes. Uh, for American listeners Yes. For our American listeners. And anybody born after 1986, Grange Hill was a children's soap opera set in a school, and Roland Browning was the stereotype nerd in it.

Emma:

Yeah.

Sam:

before you and I I think were born even. Yeah. Yeah. We we still are in

Emma:

Well, I saw, yeah. I remember watching it on Sunday mornings in

Sam:

the school holidays. school holidays

Emma:

holidays and things like that. Yeah. At 11 o'clock. Yep. Ah, Sausage.

Sam:

Sorry, Americans. Anyway, back to the film.

Emma:

must we,

Sam:

the character Marvin looks like Roland from Grange Hill. He's also played by Meat Loaf. He goes home to his brother and we learn he's on a restrictive

Emma:

it's papaya day in their diet.

Sam:

Yes. Tomorrow is watermelon day and in six

Emma:

days it's, what is this diet? The one food a day diet. The under

Sam:

the 1980s was the peak time for fad

Emma:

diet. It was, but they go on quite a lot about how horrible papaya is.

Sam:

papaya is all right, but do you want to eat it all day? No. And think of what that's gonna do to you digestively.

Emma:

Oh. Especially when you've got watermelon day the next day. Good God.

Sam:

I'm looking forward to bagel day. It's worth mentioning this now. Marvin is completely

Emma:

mute. Apart from his ability to sing Meat Loaf

Sam:

So there is quite a sweet scene where they both rock out to Meat Loaf. And Marvin sings so well, not loudly necessarily, just, well, that all the glass shatters

Emma:

including the glass in his thick glasses. Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle. Meat Loaf's truck, arrives and it's not even a tow truck. it's just a truck's, just a pickup truck because he likes pickup trucks. And he never sits in the cab of a pickup truck. He always perches on the. Back bit, whatever it's called. in the truck bed. And I wondered maybe he smells and isn't allowed in the cab.

Sam:

Oh, like in a cartoon where hitchhiker get picked up. yeah. yeah. yeah. And have to

Emma:

sit in the back with the pig. Yeah. Meat Loaf is the pig. maybe it's that, I dunno. Maybe he's not house tRayneed enough. Maybe he's likely to do a wee in there. I don't

Sam:

he gets a lift in the pickup truck and then he is walking down the road and a man and his son asks for a signature on a baseball.

Emma:

Yeah. Why? I assume it's just, that's all they've got available.

Sam:

Oh. But they've also got a pen.

Emma:

Well, maybe they were, I'm trying to come up with a backstory this. I'm probably trying a bit too hard.

Sam:

Anyway, he's, he gives him an autograph and then he walks into his office.

Emma:

that office seems stressful. It little

Sam:

Yeah.

Emma:

that was Meat Loaf's house.

Sam:

I find that easy to believe, bearing in mind how cheap this whole film He's surrounded by performers and clowns

Emma:

see, is some of this supposed to be satirical?

Sam:

Oh, I guess so.

Emma:

Oh, look at all these clowns in this industry. because it's like a bit of a carnival, isn't it? It I think some of this is supposed to be a go at satire. You know, that they, they've had a go at doing some

Sam:

my review of this film is that it is the first draft of Spinal Tap before they put the jokes in.

Emma:

Yes. It has that kind of vibe to it.

Sam:

You can see the bits where the jokes are supposed to go. But not

Emma:

just haven't written them. Like when the secretaries all turn into military

Sam:

Yeah. They're turn into soldiers to show how overworked they are. and then his managers keep ignoring him.

Emma:

they're the worst. He runs upstairs to talk to one of his managers, who is on a number of phones and ignores Meat Loaf in favor of talking to his mum.

Sam:

I missed that. I, I have a little m in my notes every time Maisie asked for belly rubs

Emma:

I big m in this section. Okay. I'll cover this bit then. aw. Meat Loaf is clearly struggling with the idea of fame. He sees his managers as baseball players. He runs upstairs to talk to Richard, who features throughout the

Sam:

Oh, was he called Richard? Yes. my notes just called him the suit all the way

Emma:

His name's Richard. it's another manager that doesn't listen to him. Poor Meat Loaf. He's being bothered by so many unimportant problems, Poor poor Meat Loaf. then we get the Peel Out bit. It's just the Peel Out music video. So in the back of the truck. Then onto the live show. As we covered in the last episode. Was it We've covered it recently, yeah. I did take a teeny weenie mental break during that bit thinking we've covered this. I don't need to think about it. While that was on the screen, I took the opportunity to play a game on my phone.

Sam:

What game?

Emma:

It's one where you've gotta get a load of stuff into a hole. I think it's called All In Hole.

Sam:

That's funnier than anything in this film, isn't the music video ends with him at the show and apologizing for being late in the most wooden acting I've ever

Emma:

seen. Yep.

Sam:

That record doesn't last. Then we cut back to Marvin, who was at the park playing ball. touch with with the boy who got his ball signed by Meat Loaf.

Emma:

They spot the signature, and they run off to go and find Meat Loaf's house. There's this horrible bit where the boy's dad says,"well, they stuck around longer than your mother," which is so unpleasant.

Sam:

But it is functionally a joke, Emma.

Emma:

I suppose, but it's horrible.

Sam:

Maybe the mother was horrible. That's why. I mean, it sounds like she was

Emma:

maybe, or maybe it's just some eighties misogyny.

Sam:

50 50

Emma:

Sure.

Sam:

they leave the park not through the gates. They just run the nearest wall and climb over it.

Emma:

it. That is a weird way of leaving a park, isn't it? Marvin wants to meet Meat Loaf. That's his, raison d'etre. But they won't let him in the house. Meat Loaf's already gone off in the truck. So Richard blags a lift with them and half promises that they can meet him. But of course when they arrive at wherever the venue is, Marvin and Russell are turfed out because they don't have passes. And Richard's being a dick about it. He just abandons them.

Sam:

He's a proper old dick. He does loosen up as the

Emma:

goes off

Sam:

on,

Emma:

only in self-serving ways. None of the characters in this are in any way fleshed out. We're using character in the loosest possible sense here. there's no real backstories, there's no emotion. There's only sort of vague goals. what I'm saying is there's no Stanislavsky methods involved here.

Sam:

What? Hang on. You mean to say that nobody went method in this?

Emma:

Nobody went method. There's no emotion. Memory, nothing.

Sam:

Oh. It's much more Brechtian, isn't it? You should never forget that you are watching a bad film.

Emma:

And we never do. We never do.

Sam:

The characters are not at all fleshed out, which leads us onto the boring newsman.

Emma:

Oh,

Sam:

Ernie Weaver. Ernie Weaver, the most boring TV presenter in the world, who is also, as the plot goes on, the most important TV presenter that Meat Loaf has to be on his show to sell tickets. This is an attempt at a joke.

Emma:

it is. And I

Sam:

enjoy it a bit.

Emma:

Uh, I quite enjoy the bit where we can't ever name any of the songs properly. Yes.

Sam:

is one of two jokes that

Emma:

works Yes, I did quite like that. What I also liked, Meat Loaf's being interviewed by Ernie and talking about his past Meat Loaf always makes up some bullshit because that's what Meat Loaf does. So each time we meet Ernie, we get fresh bullshit. and there's a flashback. And this is another good joke because in the flashbacks, Meat Loaf is playing himself as a child. Yeah. And it is just funny to see. Yes, it is nicely done. Bravo. That

Sam:

They flashback to Meat Loaf's childhood life in a school room. And he is surrounded by 11 year olds. He introduces the flashback by saying, I was always big, I was always bigger than my mum and dad. And adult Meat Loaf

Emma:

over the children.

Sam:

This first flashback, he gets singing lessons and is bad at them. Yes. And then that is, he claims his motivation for becoming a world class mega singer. Yeah. And then later on there's a flashback where him and his mates are playing out on bikes and it's

Emma:

adorable. And then it cuts to the motorbikes. Yeah. It's very sweet. Very, that's the kind of joke I can get behind Uhhuh. I thought that was genuinely funny. Yep. and if the whole film had been like that, it might have been fun.

Sam:

Except so the joke, the joke of him playing himself as a kid Yeah. Is very funny. Yeah. The actual jokes in that little skit are shit. Oh Yeah. Like the whole thing is building up to a punchline. That doesn't happen.

Emma:

Yeah.

Sam:

It just ends.

Emma:

we're back at home with Marvin and Russell. They're trying to watch the interview on TV. and Russell is making Marvin attempt to be the ariel because they can't get the reception on the telly. Yeah. And so they've basically gathered every metal item, which seems to be just lots of pots and pans. Marvin is doing his best to try and, Tune the TV in by hanging stuff out the window and Oh, it's so chucklesome.

Sam:

That is a joke that would've worked if the film hadn't already lost me.

Emma:

Yeah. it's a standard"oh, we can't get reception and it's the Eighties" joke.

Sam:

Which again, Kids today don't know about using a coat hanger as a TV antenna.

Emma:

Nope. Spoiled little shit.

Sam:

Meat Loaf argues with his suits a lot, and then he hosts a barbecue. But Richard wants him to go do an interview with Chris Christie, brackets not the horrible politician, some sort of radio DJ, and then Meat Loaf agrees to go do it, but he does it very sarcastically. Yeah. He wears the record sleeve as a hat. just to be a dick. But the DJ just misses that and goes, oh, that's cool, we'll wear record sleeves as hats now. Yeah. And then Meat Loaf decides to announce that his concert this week is gonna be free just to annoy his suit,

Emma:

but only if you are wearing the, record sleeve as a hat. This is crucial because Russell and Marvin hear this and get so excited that they run out of their flat before the crucial bit of information so they can't get into the concert.

Sam:

This is what I found weird. Yeah. When that bit happened, I assumed this film was gonna be about the quest for Russell and Marvin to get into the free Meat Loaf concert. No, and it wasn't. It just oh, and then the concert happens and they don't get in Yeah. Yeah. And that happens several times. The plot of the film never really starts. The next thing that happens after Marvin and Russell don't get into this concert, we cut to a 30 to 40 minute Yeah. Tour montage.

Emma:

That is a lot to sit

Sam:

It's catastrophically boring. Yes. And this is a film about a musician. We both really like playing lots of tour shows, but

Emma:

you don't see any full music, particularly. You

Sam:

like little half clips

Emma:

of stuff, little half clips of songs that you're not that

Sam:

And it's so when I sat down to watch this film, I was really glad that it was 90 minutes and I thought to myself, oh yeah, a nice tight 90 minutes. You don't get that these days. It felt like two and a half hours

Emma:

It plodded, didn't it?

Sam:

Marvin and his brother are driving a car that's kind of falling apart following the tour. Other films would've made a funny joke out of that. Not these guys. Dunno. The tour montage just goes on for fucking ages. there's too much concert footage to make the film work and not enough to be a concert movie, and then eventually Meat Loaf's you complaining about interviews on the tour bus? Yeah. And

Emma:

She agrees

Sam:

to do another interview with Ernie. And that's when the plot picks up.

Emma:

Meat admits to lying last time. And so this is where we get the bike flashback. the same joke as before.

Sam:

That's where the gang of motor bikers from the Peel Out video come in.

Emma:

Yes. doesn't really make any sense

Sam:

though. No, it doesn't make any sense. I don't know if that's supposed to be the joke, is the joke that he tells Ernie such an unbelievable story about the origin of his singing career that we're supposed to say, ha ha ha. How funny. Meat Loaf, because he doesn't mention singing in this one. Ernie is so, a credulous and b, such a, horrible man to spend time with, which isn't particularly fair. He's,, just very boring. Yeah. It's so horrible to spend time with Ernie that Meat Loaf, very smart, clever Meat Loaf can make up any old shite

Emma:

and

Sam:

and Ernie will believe

Emma:

Yeah.

Sam:

Ernie is the press man.

Emma:

So the joke is that we're sticking it to the man

Sam:

It's the sort of joke that might be found really funny if you were a rockstar in the middle of a serious drugs problem.

Emma:

Next we get to where Marvin and Russell are sleeping in a hotel room watching the Ernie Weaver report. And Ernie can't get any Meat Loaf song names, right. Oh, the hilarity is what I wrote. gratuitous. Snogging occurs next, uh, while Meat Loaf is searching for pie.

Sam:

Yeah. Meat Loaf's at an after show party and he is grumpy again because they don't have pie on the buffet even though

Emma:

though he's on

Sam:

rider. I like pie too, but I doubt Meat Loaf has a lot of meat pies. I mean, I think I was just thinking about lunch at that point. I think I did have a pork pie for my lunch waiting in the fridge.

Emma:

I have had a two quiche week.

Sam:

Oh, hello?

Emma:

Marks Spencer's got some really nice quiche LorRaynees Delicious. Very smoky. nice. Yeah. Really good. If Marks. Spencer's would like to send me any of their, uh, ideally the crustless quiche LorRaynees. They still have a bottom bit, but they haven't got the pastry up the side. Just knocks out some of the carbs. Oh, Yeah, it's really nice.

Sam:

Anyway, listeners, if you are thinking, what does this have to do with the film? Well, you are right, but also that's what our bRaynes did while watching the film at this point. This is where my notes kick in and say This film is so long and nothing has

Emma:

happened

Sam:

the tour started. There's a sort of dream sequence of Marvin appearing with the band. But it's Meat Loaf's dream, not Marvin's. Finally, something unpredictable has happened he describes his dream to Richard and suddenly sees Richard as Marvin. Yeah. And he sees Marvin there.

Emma:

Marvin on the TV. All the other band members become Marvin. And then Marvin's car, catches up to the tour bus. Mm. Um,

Sam:

and then nothing

Emma:

Nothing happens. The tour bus is flagged down by Ernie Weaver. For another bloody interview. It's agreed that it can interview Meat Loaf again, backstage at that night's

Sam:

A completely pointless scene. Yes. Served no purpose whatsoever. Ernie Weaver flags down the bus, gets on the bus, says, can we do another interview? They say Yes. Later.

Emma:

Yeah. That is minutes that we could have had back.

Sam:

could have been eating my pie already.

Emma:

Then there's just more concert setup stuff. There's so much video of concerts being set up. Marvin and Russell turn up at the loading area and try and stroll in. They're turned away. They put on disguises and try and get through again. They're turned away. finally they disguise themselves. Well, Russell's a roadie and Marvin is hidden in the big box.

Sam:

Yeah, but then they only get in because the original security guard has stepped away to deal with a sexy

Emma:

lady. Yep.

Sam:

I didn't write down what he says, but rest assured it's not a cool thing to say.

Emma:

Meat Loaf's unhappy about the Ernie Weaver interview again. it still happens. I feel like we're about to have another flashback, but then Marvin breaks in, and Meat Loaf freaks the fuck out.

Sam:

Meat Loaf is amazed. Marvin is real. He kicks everybody else out. And that's when we learn that the brother's name is Russell

Emma:

Finally in the closing minutes of the film.

Sam:

And that's the only conversation Russell then has with Meat Loaf before he's kicked out. And then the band starts while Meat Loaf and Marvin are still locked away

Emma:

Now it's time for the concert. Bat out of Hell strikes up on stage, but Meat's still in his dressing room. He emerges silent, he's guided to the stage. Marvin also comes out, but he's wearing a baseball cap now. Meat Loaf makes it out onto the stage just in time. He starts singing just as he always was. Good old meat, but wait in the crowd, Russell and Marvin are watching, then Marvin speaks. It's the old switcheroo. Meat Loaf is watching Marvin rock it on stage as the credits roll. Marvin is singing Dead Ringer on stage and we are all glad that it's over and we can go and have a wee or the pie that we've been promising ourselves.

Sam:

Yeah, it did end on a freeze frame.

Emma:

classic.

Sam:

Um, what was the point of this film?

Emma:

It was supposed to be a promotional tie in that had been set up with I think CBS. this is from Meat Loaf's autobiography."Dead Ringer was going to be a Meat Loaf movie. They proposed the idea to Sony and got CBS to put up a million and a half to make it. Alan Nichols was going to direct it and they said they were gonna open a big production office. now that they were movie producers, they had to have an office worthy of their new status." So I think Meat Loaf's already a bit, cynical about it. Uh. The townhouse on Riverside Drive was furnished in the most lavish style imaginable." No, that's not interesting

Sam:

You

Emma:

I was talking to my mum about, Meat Loaf's autobiography.'cause we did originally have it in book form. And she was saying,"did you ever read it?" I said,"I read parts of it". She said,"yeah, so did I. It was written so badly and it was so fucking boring"

Sam:

that at least proves that he didn't use a ghost writer.

Emma:

Yeah. But it is, written really badly. It focuses on admin more than events. It's really weird because there's loads about his life that I'd be quite interested to hear about. I've not read the full thing. I'll fess up. But whenever I dip in, it is just dull. and this Film, it's, it's the worst bits of all sort of eighties films. It's, it's the worst bits of rockumentaries. I'm not a rockumentary fan anyway. but this was just a lot of loading stuff in and out of, uh, of

Sam:

trucks. trucks. Yeah. A lot of part clips of show performances. Yeah. Um,

Emma:

I think if they really wanted to do the documentary route, it would've really nice to talk to members of the Neverland Express

Sam:

yeah. The Neverland Express played themselves in this

Emma:

Yeah,

Sam:

and were just sort of there. Creatively plot wise, oh, I'm

Emma:

I'm

Sam:

so baffled by the decisions in this plot because it ends at the end of Act One. Effectively. this is a classic life swap story

Emma:

it's a Prince and the Pauper isn't It's a

Sam:

Prince and the Pauper it's a prisoner of Zenda.

Emma:

It's a Freaky

Sam:

It's a freaky Friday. You swap lives and then you live each other's lives for a bit and learn something about yourself. And this film just ends on, they swap lives. And then that's it. Yeah. It's so confusing. Why didn't they explore what happens when a super fan a a a probably autistic coded super fan lives the life of a rock and roll star. Yeah. and the

Emma:

vice versa.

Sam:

lives his, that would be interesting and fun.

Emma:

it's trying to be two things because it's trying to be a rockumentary. But also it's trying to be a comedy.

Sam:

And it's,

Emma:

it's, it does nothing well.

Sam:

Meat Loaf plays himself badly.

Emma:

Yeah. That's a real skill, isn't it?

Sam:

So many bits of the plot make no sense. Marvin and Russell are following the band on tour all around the country and it's clearly implied that they'd never get into the show cause they can't afford to, but they can afford to drive all around the country and stay in motels. it's like

Emma:

six months Yeah.

Sam:

have a shitty calendar montage.

Emma:

It's such a bad montage.

Sam:

I love the trope of the pages of the calendar by, but even that, this film does badly. would you like to hear what some of the people of the internet had to say I'd love to hear the people of the internet have to say,

Emma:

Kozy 5 5 5 who said,"in the seventies I grew a beard because I had a strong resemblance to Meat Loaf and I was tired of being mistaken for him. I couldn't go to a midnight show of Rocky Horror without getting mobbed. I love that. Texas Stranger, 6 0 7 7. I traveled from Virginia to Southern California to get married. Pulling into LA we stopped at a gas station so the soon to be Mrs could call and get directions to her dad's house."While she was in the store, my doppelganger walked up to my window and asked to bum a smoke. He was glad I pulled out Camels because that was what he smoked. He not only looked like me, but also dressed almost identically. I gave him a light and an extra smoke, and he walked off. My best friend was sitting in the back of the car."I asked him if he noticed something weird about that guy that just bummed a smoke. I was not sure if my thought of how much he looked like me was really accurate or not. My buddy replies, you mean the fact that he's your identical twin brother."If I had known what was coming with the marriage, I would've knocked him in the head. Put him in the front and let him marry the crazy broad."

Sam:

Oh, he was ruined it with that last bit.

Emma:

Yeah.

Sam:

Emma, this is a fun game. Who's your doppelganger? Because I do have one. Do you? Yeah, my doppelganger is, Patrick Kearney of the Black Keys. He was the drummer in the Black Keys. If you look him up, you will see my face.

Emma:

There is a definite resemblance there. Yeah. Gosh, that is. I think you're aging in different directions.

Sam:

about 10 years ago we were identical and we also both had the same leather jacket.

Emma:

Wow. Are you pen pals? Um, I feel like you should be, you dropped you an email. You should've dropped you an email. I don't know if I have doppelganger, I was once at a goth night in Sheffield and somebody that I didn't know came up to me and said, hello, can I take your picture? You look just like my friend. And I said, yeah. Alright then. So somewhere, maybe

Sam:

who is your doppelganger, let us know. Chat out of hell@gmail.com

Emma:

Also, do you believe that if you meet your doppelganger, then something bad weird's gonna happen?

Sam:

Oh. Also, you do know who your doppelganger is. Have you ever been in a situation where nobody in the film comments on the fact that you are identical except the person you are identical Marvin is the world's biggest Meat Loaf fan and nobody ever says, oh, you look quite a lot like him. Actually,

Emma:

I.

Sam:

he could blagged his way backstage overthinking at any point by saying, look at me, I am Meat Loaf. Let me into my own show.

Emma:

Stop overthinking it.

Sam:

There's not

Emma:

this is not a thinky one,

Sam:

that is what got me mad the most. It's a film about two doppelgangers and the only person who knows they're identical is one of the two doppelgangers.

Emma:

Yep. Ah, ah, ah, ah. But Marvin wears those thick glasses and everybody knows that glasses disguise you as the

Sam:

the Clark Kent card on me.

Emma:

play the Clark Kent card on me. Yep. I'm gonna play the Clark Kent card because I know if I remove my glasses Now

Sam:

who the fuck are you? Where's Emma?

Emma:

Exactly. I'm back.

Sam:

Oh, there was some weirdo in here just now.

Emma:

Oh that's so strange.

Sam:

I invited her to join the podcast.

Emma:

I assume she thought better of it. She did. Yeah. She's got shit to do.

Sam:

in preparation for this

Emma:

film, Uhhuh,

Sam:

I did send a telegram to the government.

Emma:

Oh, I'm so glad that you

Sam:

it to my government handlers. Yeah. To ask them to, go into the secret bunker and down the ladder and then into the secret lift, and then scan the iris thing into the doors and open the big secret bunker doors and then open a safe. And in that safe, they found a rating system for the director Alan Nichols phew Which is good'cause I couldn't think of one myself. So Emma

Emma:

Uhhuh. It's

Sam:

this film Alan Nichols? Alan, This Film Trickles Along or Alan Worse than a Kick In the Dickles..

Emma:

Oh, beautifully

Sam:

Thank. Go.

Emma:

Bravo to your government department. Wait, not you never, not you. Of course. Um, God Kick in the

Sam:

yes. is definitely, and Alan worse. Alan Worse than a Kick in the Dickles. Oh,

Emma:

owie.

Sam:

Ooh.

Emma:

So, Sam, what film did you bring,

Sam:

Emma, I brought the film Bloodrayne.

Emma:

Is it as good as it sounds no,

Sam:

this is a video game, spinoff film from 2005, directed by Uwe Boll, who has directed 11 video games, spinoff movies,

Emma:

how many of them have been box office hits

Sam:

if you allow for rounding errors. None. In this film, Meat Loaf plays Leonid. Yes. Who is, a scene stealing vampire Lord? He's a hedonistic vampire Lord, who occupies a, fun but weird scene about halfway through the film. Yeah. And then disappears again. So we are left to review a film with almost nothing to do with Meat Loaf, really. But here we go. Bloodrayne. Old timey, medieval paintings, incredibly cheap credit

Emma:

font, The kind you

Sam:

for free in iMovie.

Emma:

It wouldn't surprise me if this was edited in iMovie.

Sam:

the camera pans over rocks and mountains to a cross on a hill that never comes up again. A ye olde market town. Filthy people wonder about, but not that

Emma:

filthy I was gonna say, I,`I`` had a note about this.

Sam:

not That filthy because it's not in budget.

Emma:

It looks too clean and too well

Sam:

lit. It's very clean and

Emma:

well. It's never a good sign. Everyone knows that everyone was covered in a thick layer of shit in those times. It needs more authenticity.

Sam:

An innkeeper gives a man a scroll.

Emma:

The least convincing raggedy flyer I've ever seen. I had to go at making something like this when I was 11

Sam:

and

Emma:

it was better. Yes, you're right. It's, it's the it, soak it in and in tea pop in the bit,

Sam:

it's flyer for a circus. In the background, another man turns out to be a big badass who just kills a passing vampire dude.

Emma:

dude.

Sam:

The inkeeper tells a tale of this circus, which keeps a lady with red hair called Rayne, who burns in water and can be all cut up, but then she drinks blood and heals.

Emma:

dumb.

Sam:

I know there wasn't any telly in ye olde days, but this surely isn't good entertainment. I'd ask for my money back.

Emma:

just, after that, there is a clap of thunder for absolutely no reason. The night is shown to be clear, there is even a shot of the moon. That bothers me.

Sam:

When not circusing Rayne gets kept in a cage.

Emma:

She's visited by her mawkish twat of a friend.

Sam:

Her pal sneaks a cross through the bars, but in violation of vampire lore it doesn't burn her up. Ooh, cut to Evil Castle Ben Kingsley. Looking as bored as I feel, tells some junior fucker to go find Rayne. Ben Kingsley plays the villain in this piece. A man called Kagan. Yeah. Uh, that is not Supreme Court Justice. Eleanor Kagan. Ben Kingsley's such a good actor that he, not this. No. he's such a good actor that he can show not even boredom on his face as he regrets his way through his film.

Emma:

the director have some awful photographs of him doing something inappropriate?

Sam:

Alright, right, we'll cut straight to this. it? In an interview, Ben Kingsley was asked, what were you thinking when he accepted a role in Bloodrayne? It's so hard to imagine someone so gifted, not realizing what a terrible film that would be. I don't know whether to be upset or flattered by that question, to be honest. I've just always wanted to play a vampire with the teeth and the long black cape. Let's say that my motives were somewhat immature for doing it."

Emma:

That is a brilliant

Sam:

I've got a lot of respect for that. Yeah. respect. He sends one of his guys to go find Rayne, but in the meantime, she escapes in a confusing flashback, flash forward flashback

Emma:

We see her escape through the flashbacks while she screams. she's covered in blood and in the flashback she's about to be raped by a creepy dude, but she smashes him over the head with a bottle making him bleed, and that sets off her blood lust, which makes her super strong and she kills everyone. And then she bites her mawkish twat of a friend.

Sam:

She murders and stabs up all the circus baddies. Yep. The cool, tough vampire hunter team bicker on their way to the circus to show how cool and tough they are.

Emma:

Oh look, it's Anna Lucia off of Lost. And so throughout I will be referring to her as Anna Lucia off of Lost.

Sam:

they, do all have names, but my notes insist on them being called the main one, the girl one, and the other one.

Emma:

Well, the girl one is definitely Anna Lucia off of Lost and is just as unlikeable in this as she was in Lost.

Sam:

Good to know. Is she a better actor in Lost?

Emma:

Not really. No. She's in it for a mercifully short span. We cut to, the girl one's dad.

Sam:

Yeah, the girl one's dad is played by Billy Zane.

Emma:

he doesn't look old enough to be a dad in this,

Sam:

but he is of course a vampire.

Emma:

Catherine's dad, who I think has been turned by the vampires or something, sends her a letter that is full of exposition.

Sam:

A boring man dictates a letter to his boring secretary. This is clearly an attempted exposition, but it's so boring I can't concentrate because in the speech he makes mistakes and says like, oh, no, correct that bit. Actually, write this instead. Like most films would do a dramatic voiceover of the letter with

Emma:

him.

Sam:

No, not this film. Apparently there is something called a brimstone society, and the boring man wants his daughter in charge of

Emma:

Everything is very orange in this world. The color correction in it is horrible. It's just there. I don't like the look of it. It's, headache inducing.

Sam:

Rayne saves some settlers from vampires. She has some impractical looking arm swords that she got from her monkish

Emma:

Don't you think all the weapons and the jewelry in this film look really fucking

Sam:

Incredibly cheap props.

Emma:

They look like they've been made from melted down cutlery.

Sam:

Yes, that's exactly,

Emma:

Look

Sam:

so

Emma:

cheap. Yes.

Sam:

She meets a fortune teller lady who tells her that she's part vampire, part human, which surely is all vampires. yeah. everybody in this film is in such a hurry. All lines are delivered at a galloping pace, presumably, so that the actor can go home again and get

Emma:

away from this room.

Sam:

Back to Castle Evil again, where Ben Kingsley again tells his skivvy to go kill her. Yeah. Uh, there's lots of swooping footage of people traveling like in Lord of the Rings, but completely unearned. And the scenery isn't. That good?

Emma:

not with,

Sam:

it's all right. It's lovely. I'd go on holiday there, but,

Emma:

but, it's not Middle earth is it?

Sam:

goes to a monastery and delivers some wooden dialogue. Woodenly the monks welcome in to feed her and she eats woodenly with a wooden spoon Spied upon by monks. She pops down into their cellar where a disfigured bloke with a hammer is having a nap. accidentally wakes him while trying to steal his crucifix, and they have a boss fight.

Emma:

That's exactly what it's, isn't it? It's a boss fight? And this is the bit where I have to drop a revelation on your head, Emma, because we know this film is a video game adaptation. My wife Kat, watched this film with me last night. She piped up at this point If you hadn't told me this film was adapted from a video game, I would've guessed Yes. Because it has boss fights and it has like stupid QuickTime events where she has the press dodge at the right moment. Yeah. And all that. But the plot of the video game is about a sexy lady vampire who fights Nazis. In World War II. So it's nothing to

Sam:

to do with it. So all of the video gamey feels that you might think, oh, that just must be a scene from the game. No. Somebody wrote this to feel like a video game when it wasn't one.

Emma:

Oh God. Because there's a bit coming up. she's defeated the boss and gets into the room, the, the stupid spicy wheels Yeah. The spinny, The spinny wheels. Yeah. That is pure video game.

Sam:

There might as well have been a flashing A button come up On the screen to press at the right moment.

Emma:

She wins, steals his cross key thing goes into the eye room.'cause she's looking for a magic eye. Not that kind of magic eye that would've been fun. an actual eyeball, which is full of badly animated spinning blades. They're no match for her, for her, but Oh, no. When she steals the eye box, the room fills with water, which is her weakness. She dangles from the ceiling and absorbs the eye she's been looking for, which makes her in vulnerable to water, which is convenient,

Sam:

Just like in a video game. Yes. Where you unlock the power to climb over walls. Halfway through.

Emma:

The head of the monks arrived, for some war exposition.

Sam:

Ben Kingsley's army of cheap fight scenes attacks. The monks respond with their own very cheap fight scenes. It's all so unexciting. The fight scenes are boring. They don't fast

Emma:

forward through the fight scenes. like

Sam:

all slow and stilted and they clearly didn't have the budget for a proper fight coordinator and, um, what's the word? Choreographer. thank you. But they know that the license demands exactly that sort of thing.

Emma:

Anna Lucia off of lost, has turned up along with the other two. they're doing some killing. and the main one spots Rayne's magic eye. but she's captured. And so the three of them go back to their shit village. But Anna Lucia off of Lost then finds the letter from her dad.

Sam:

And then we cut to a scene where Ben Kingsley dRaynes a girl's blood for no reason No reason to. We already knew he was a baddie. We knew he

Emma:

was a vare. Didn't mean to see it.

Sam:

Got that scene anyway.

Emma:

Wasn't even all that gratuitous either. because they could have thrown in some gratuitous, sexy, vampire stuff, but he just bit her

Sam:

Oh, don't worry, Emma. Because we get to Meat Loaf's

Emma:

bitch. Oh,

Sam:

a Meat Loaf is a vampire lord who lives in the folly of an English country

Emma:

Yep. It's bonkers and I love it.

Sam:

Uh, his name is Leon. We cut to Meat Loaf in bed, surrounded by topless

Emma:

He's got a terrible long blonde gray wig. Can I just say the hair in this film? shit. Dog shit. really awful Bad wigs everywhere. So bad. Critics ridiculed the director for hiring actual prostitutes instead of actors, in this scene to save on production costs. How awful is that? It's horrible. It's a really horrible thing. Yeah.

Sam:

yeah. Especially because Meat Loaf has a proper old grope of one of their boobs.

Emma:

He plays with blood and boobs, doesn't he? Yeah. He smears some blood on the prostitutes. Sorry, the sex workers' boobs.

Sam:

Right on sister.

Emma:

Yeah. Damn right. Meat Loaf's got a really creepy voice in this, don't you think?

Sam:

Meat Loaf has about five minutes maybe in this film, tops. He does portray a sex mad orgy vampire monster quite well. Oh yeah. Yeah. I, I think, I think he does a good job here. The whole shtick is that Ben Kingsley's skivvy is trying to leave Rayne there, I think during the

Emma:

day. Yeah.

Sam:

they're trying to move on. and Meat Loaf lives in this palace that's fucked up. There's Vampire orgies going

Emma:

vampire going on. There's people being sort of hung up and dRayneed of their blood. Yeah.

Sam:

In, and that is the best bit of fx slash

Emma:

Set design this is probably the most horror aspect,

Sam:

yeah, there's some real creepy, horrible vibes to Loaf's The main hunter and the other one Come in and they have another boss fight with Meat Loaf. Which involves smashing all the windows so that he's caught in the sunlight, you know, like you have to do against the boss in Mario.

Emma:

Meat Loaf goes on fire in a very unconvincing way,

Sam:

And then Ben Kingsley is mad that his lads failed, but you wouldn't know it from his face. face Rayne tells her tragic backstory to the heroes, but I'm so bored, I didn't really listen to it.

Emma:

The other one doubts it.

Sam:

But the main one is convinced she's a goodie. The girl one argues with the main one. And then We get a tRayneing montage. Where Rayne learns

Emma:

how

Sam:

to use swords, there's a bit where the girl one looks on eating an apple, which is the universal film sign of being too cool for this. Yes, I do that. That's a trope that I love.

Emma:

Anna Lucia off of Lost has no time for this shit.

Sam:

Uh, and then Rayne and the other one have a, whose story is saddest

Emma:

Oh

Sam:

God. And then as I was looking down to type up my notes, suddenly they are having an awkward sex scene.

Emma:

Yep., so prior to this, the other one delivers some new clothes to Rayne. is sad, the other one is sad too. Rayne now understands that other people can be sad. This shit is deep.

Sam:

shit is deep.

Emma:

Rayne Dreams about all the shit that's happened to her so far that I've written, this is boring. She goes to see the other one. and they've obviously got a connection now and they have some of the most awkward, uncomfortable sex I have ever seen.

Sam:

Everything about that sex scene is horrible. 2005 is kind of towards the end of the, the trope of this having to happen. But in the nineties, every action film for some reason had a sex scene in it where you could see the girls' tits.

Emma:

It was all about the tits. It. was

Sam:

But successful action films of this era, which did this, had, like the music matched what you were seeing on the scene and the gasping that the actors didn't sound like two goats

Emma:

falling cliff. There is nothing.

Sam:

It's so long. Yeah. It's such like the traditional way to do this.

Emma:

mean that's, that's what she said for, for a start.

Sam:

Are you listening? Alan Nichols. But the way you do this sex scene is like

Emma:

tits and

Sam:

tits, and then cut away to the morning where they're both lying in bed, together. But this sex scene lasted like three minutes. It was so uncomfortable. It was horrible. Ben Kingsley gives a very wooden speech, exalting his lads to crack on and find the eye.

Emma:

Now that, uh, now that they've done a sex, Rayne feels comfortable joining the others in the dining room. That's right. Sort of becomes pals with the girl one, but not really. And then they have a duel

Sam:

and then Ben Kingsley's skivvy argues with the girl one's Vampire dad

Emma:

Oh, I didn't care about that at all.

Sam:

And I think that's the last we see of the

Emma:

Yeah.

Sam:

Which is weird.

Emma:

That's, that's just the end of that bit

Sam:

Rayne, the main one and the other one go to some other secret place to get different swords

Emma:

from a butcher, isn't he? he He's

Sam:

a butcher and you know which butcher he is.

Emma:

Which butcher is

Sam:

he? That butcher was played by Michael Paré, Pere,

Emma:

that's who he was.

Sam:

Michael Paré from, of course, Streets of Fire, the incredibly wooden lead actor finally finding a role that matches his talent.

Emma:

I believe Michael Paré, plays other roles in other films in this franchise.

Sam:

He does, He plays roles in all three of the Bloodrayne movies and a lot of other films for Uwe Boll as well. So I think they're mates the girl one turns out to be a traitor. she deads up all the brimstone place

Emma:

while they're off at the butchers.

Sam:

the Then Rayne returns and tracks the girl one to an undergo water cave. Good job. Rayne can do water. Now they have an underwater fight.

Emma:

This is another scene from a video game, isn't it?

Sam:

it feels like it? doesn't it? the girl one stabs her and it looks like she might lose, but then suddenly she wins. Rayne has retrieved the heart that they're all looking for, but she goes off to Castle Evil to hand it over to Ben Kingsley. Yes. and in return she goes to Vampire Jail

Emma:

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Sam:

and then the main one and the other one fuck up their attack on the castle and also goes to vampire jail's. Quite

Emma:

She's quite convenient really, isn't it? Mm-hmm. All end up in the same jail,

Sam:

is conveniently allows the main one to drop the last bit of exposition, which is that the forthcoming ceremony will remove Rayne's soul. and then she gets tied to an altar. Ben Kingsley Woodenly says some things in a ceremony in a big hall.

Emma:

the main one or the other one, trick their way out of the cells in an absolutely bullshit way

Sam:

Shouldn't

Emma:

that

Sam:

be allowed. He just says, oh, my mates disappeared. Come and have a look for him. They pick up their stuff, which was conveniently all piled up next to their jail cell, and then they all wander off to the final fight. Oh

Emma:

Oh God.

Sam:

Each of them has a fight with a thematically appropriate opponent. Yep. The main one fights the vampire skivvy. Rayne fights a vampire girl who I don't think has previously appeared, but just is around. Yeah. And then two lads hold the main one down, and Ben Kingsley just walks directly at him holding out a sword. Even in a fight scene, Ben Kingsley is determined to do no acting. The fight comes down to Rayne v Ben Kingsley. And she wins with the help of the other one who then dies. Everyone in the castle is dead. Rayne sits in his chair. Her face is totally impassive. Is that acting or a complete lack of

Emma:

acting?

Sam:

End of film.

Emma:

Oh, I hated it I've written down here, they spent 25 million on this and I have no idea where that money went. Maybe the catering was excellent. everything's awful in it. The dialogue is way too low in the mix and so it can't be heard well over the music. Yes. So even that shit,

Sam:

the

Emma:

mixing makes my head hurt. The SFX are sixth form at best. The acting is awful. It's not even so shit, it's good. It's just plotting. Meat Loaf was nominated at the 2007 Stinkers Bad Movie Awards for Worst Supporting Actor,

Sam:

among many other people. This film won I think two golden raspberries. Yeah.

Emma:

it's got 4% on Rotten Tomatoes. Talking about Boll. He's quite, the chap seems like an absolute nightmare of a human. Determined to make terrible films and has been refused the right to several video game franchises as a result. He's challenged his critics to a boxing match.

Sam:

Yes, that did happen.

Emma:

Everything I've read about him makes him sound like a mad bullheaded guy who just wants to make stupid movies. We talked about the

Sam:

Yeah. That was before we started recording.

Emma:

Ah, we'll talk about the financing.

Sam:

Let's talk about the financing. Oh. all of his films lose money at the box office. This film was made for$25 million and it made 2.4 million at the box office,

Emma:

which is quite the loss.

Sam:

but Uwe Boll effectively financed many of his films through a German tax loophole. Yeah. Where he might, I think half of the money spent on the film came back to him somehow. uh,

Emma:

It's very dodgy.

Sam:

but that loophole was closed at a certain

Emma:

point, which is when he stopped making films and opened a restaurant instead

Sam:

Just going back to the, video game franchises that didn't want him.

Emma:

Okay.

Sam:

Just to say, BloodRayne the video game is the definition of, a six out of 10 video

Emma:

game. Yeah.

Sam:

was never a big, massive smash, but it did quite all right. Sexy Lady vampires always sell. Other games, Uwe Bowl has adapted, include Alone in the Dark, which was a sort of horror game franchise in the late nineties, early two thousands. Again, occupies that sort of he was linked potentially to Metal Gear These days, that's absolutely huge money. Yeah. Series creator, hid Kajima, responded."It's impossible that we'd ever do a movie with

Emma:

him."

Sam:

He also made a bid to adapt an adaptation of the Warcraft series

Emma:

again. Huge. Yeah. And

Sam:

there was a Warcraft movie

Emma:

Yeah. A few years

Sam:

ago. I've never seen it. I've heard it was quite shit, but still sold very well.

Emma:

Right.

Sam:

he was turned away by the owners of the franchise Blizzard who said,"we will not sell the movie rights. Not to you. Especially not to you. to you. One critic has dubbed him the Jonas Brothers of movie directors and, Maitlin McDonough of TV guide wrote,"though indisputably the best of Ooey ball's first three video game into film adaptations. This glory, ludicrous horror action picture isn't good by any standard."

Emma:

Yep.

Sam:

I hate to imagine the other two.

Emma:

don't have to watch any anymore in the Bloodrayne.

Sam:

Well, nominally we could put it into Sequel club, but I dunno, I think we've dipped into enough Uwe Boll for one lifetime. Yeah. This isn't an Uwe Boll podcast. It,

Emma:

and it never will be. Sam,

Sam:

I had a dream last and in that dream, I dreamed of an Uwe Boll rating system handed to me

Emma:

to me You've got to stop eating cheese that late at night.

Sam:

And in my dream, the voice whispered. Is this Uwe Boll? Is it Oooh, Eeeh, this Film Could Use a Bit of Bollish. ey bollocks.

Emma:

Uwe Bollocks. Sam Uwe Bollocks. It's

Sam:

Uwe Bollocks.

Emma:

Uwe Bollocks. Sounds like a very unpleasant complaint.

Sam:

Oh, he's got really ey bollocks,

Emma:

I wouldn't go near him. He's got ooey

Sam:

but I'd still rather have Ooey Bullocks watch Bloodrayne again.

Emma:

Ah,

Sam:

so there we go. That was our two films. Listeners. Have you seen any of them Again, don't watch them on our, don't watch them.

Emma:

Please don't,

Sam:

them. But if you have seen either of them, heaven forbid if you've seen any of the Bloodrayne sequels, do drop us, an email chat out of hell. Let us know what you think about them. And then gird your loins for the return of Chat out of Hell. Yeah. Series four is coming in two weeks time And we'll be starting with a dive into the

Emma:

Dream Engine.

Sam:

dream, dream, dream,

Emma:

Engine

Sam:

which, again, most of you probably won't have been exposed to. I'm not suggesting you do either, but if you are interested, there is a, I suppose it's not really a bootleg, cause he recorded it himself, but there's a, recording of it on Jim Steinman's website or a script. So we are gonna expose ourselves to that. If you have any opinions on that, do let us know. chatoutofhell@gmail.com Also. In a couple of weeks we'll be going to see the Bat out of Hell musical.

Emma:

so excited about it.

Sam:

All of this will have been worthwhile if you've seen the Bat Out of Hell musical. If you have thoughts, if you have opinions, if you have reviews, drop us a line

Emma:

Please

Sam:

chatoutofhell@gmail.com. Not quite sure what we're gonna do with our review of the musical. It might be a bonus special or something, but send us any of your thoughts on it and we'll gladly take those on board.

Emma:

We are dead rock and roll. So we are going to a matinee performance of it

Sam:

specifically so that we have time afterwards to go and record our thoughts because otherwise I'd have to run off for my train. So yeah, that's exciting. If you are going to see the Bat out of Hell tour, let us know as well. chatoutofhell@gmail.com. I've said the email address enough. Any other business today, Emma, All right, thank you all very much for listening to Chat Out of Hell Film Club, and we'll see you all in two weeks' time for series four of Chat out of Hell. Yay. Bye

Emma:

bye.

Sam:

Bow Now. Now, now.