The Conviviality of Open Houses

 Episode 103 of I Hate Talking explores the meaning of “convivial,” from its Latin roots to its modern sense of lively, friendly togetherness around food and drink. That idea becomes the springboard for a bigger conversation about open-house versus closed-house family styles, how different upbringings shape expectations around visitors, and why the hosts see growing kids’ friendships as a reason to make home feel more welcoming and communal.

The discussion also touches on family roles and names, the comfort of scheduled versus spontaneous social time, and the small but meaningful ways a house can signal openness, safety, and connection. By the end, the episode becomes a thoughtful look at hospitality, boundaries, and what it means to create a home where people feel invited to linger.

Keywords: convivial, open house, closed house, family hospitality, open concept living, living together, togetherness, friendly atmosphere, feast, social boundaries, kids’ friends, family roles, neighborhood friendships, conversational podcast.

Transcript

Welcome to episode 103 of I Hate Talking. Hi everyone. So, will this episode be convivial or not? I guess you'll have to find out. Well, it all depends on what that word means. So what is your guess? Convivial. It sounds sort of like a word that you would be with friends or it's like something that's cordial and that the con is the with root word. So maybe if you're like in a situation that allows for friendliness with other people. But wouldn't be a negative thing, pros and cons. No, because Vivial sounds like it would be paired with, I think, Greek, right? Con is with in Greek. I don't know. You tell me. Well, it's either Greek or Latin, one or the other. And then con in the opposite one, which I guess would be Latin, would be the one that would be against or opposite. OK. But you're saying this con doesn't mean that? That feels like Greek, vivial. Sounds Greek to me. All right, well, the definition I have for convivial is lively, friendly atmosphere centered around good food and drink. Well, there you go good job with friends. Maybe I've heard this word in the past and have some shadow of memory of it, but I don't specifically remember the definition. And I guess my memory is lacking because it's actually Latin that means with together or thoroughly. In Greek, it means different or negative. Or they just completely different words, cause in my head I just think pro and con, so con means against. And in this word, convivial, I'd be like, OK, I can see that second part being like vivial, being like lively, vitality. That sort of thing. So against vitality would be what I would say it is. That's very opposite. Yeah, maybe this is why I was getting confused is because pro and con actually is a different Latin phrase. So maybe we'll get to that next time. OK. But typically, Latin Con, which means with together or thoroughly, can appear in words such as convene, connect, congregate. Or Concord. Oh, OK, yeah, I guess that makes sense. So did you find? Convivial convivial. No, I did not look up convivial. I was looking up the source root words of con in Greek and Latin is. Convivial than Latin. You tell me. Well, let's check. I don't know if we have solved our Oxford Language Dictionary issue behind the paywall. I've not had time to research that or see if I can plug in my library card to get free access. So we'll see if maybe some other. Resources come up here on the etymology of convivial. And it is from Latin. And it does have in both words that were predecessors to convivial, the word con. And there's a late Latin word that is convivialis. Which means pertaining to a feast. Or the noun convivium, which is literally a banquet or feast. And the word the there. Is the root word to live, so literally. Convivium or convivialis or convivial means to live together. OK, oh, I like that. Living and feasting together. I like that. The Living and feasting together convivial. There you go. All right, well, the reason I was looking up this word was because the topic I want to talk about today is the difference between having an open house and a closed house. So is this in regards to open house concepts and how that was a design feature in order to Basically. Like open concept living room and kitchen altogether concepts living room, kitchen together. Yes, there's actually a conspiracy theory that that was engineered in a way to break down. Social Standards in the family and society. Oh, because so the kitchen worker can still be part of the family. Being instead of being ostracized to a separate room working. No, the conspiracy theory is that the open concept is actually a negative, that it is meant to break down family relationships and society norms. OK, let's talk about that another time too, cause I'm, I don't understand that. All right, so we already have our word and topic. For next time or time's coming up. There you go. But um. So then is this open house, closed house regarding like having people over for your open house or closed house. Now, open house I'm familiar with because if you buy a new home or have some sort of celebration. Typically maybe a graduation or an engagement or something of that nature that you will have an open house and it is basically an open invitation for people to drop by and visit that house. OK, yeah, I mean that's an event, so it's kind of on the right track, like a concept. That I heard only a while back that made a lot of sense to me and helped me understand you and me better. So the concept is. That in families, you're either an open house family or a closed house family. What that means is if you're an open house, kind of like what you said, right? Like you would have people over and they can come between 1 and 4 or something like that to celebrate a graduation. In this concept, instead of a strict event, it's an open house like friends can come over pretty much any time, people can stop by, there's a constant influx, people are welcome to stop by without an event or prior scheduling. And then a closed house would be to the extreme of like, you don't have anyone over. Or you only have people come over with. Very planned structure. So, because this is something that I didn't realize was a big difference for you and I. It was a big difference in how we both grew up. And then when we got married, I just assumed we'd do it the way I was raised. And I think you assumed you would do it the way you were raised, and it took us a long time to kind of find a need. I still feel like we're not. Always on the same track with it. Perhaps so. I also think that's maybe a bit of the cultures in which we grew up that perhaps in your locale that maybe this was more prevalent as having the open house. On the West Coast and me growing up on the East Coast was probably more prevalent and culturally normal for the closed house concept. I guess, would you consider, we talked about Arizona before. I have extended family. I'm not from Arizona. My extended family is, would you consider that West Coast? Yeah, like west of the Mississippi, like growing up on the east coast, like west of Mississippi is, that's like the western frontier. OK, so, um, this actually was the first came to startle me, I guess would be the answer like struck me strange. We were visiting in Arizona, my aunt in Arizona, we've been married for about 2 months. And we were staying with them and people kept like my cousin stopped by on his lunch break for lunch and it's not his mom, this is his aunt also and then another cousin again, different aunt, like it's his aunt stopped by randomly too and. This is just something I'm used to. The cousins just all stop by and you swing by. Oh, I'm in the area. Oh, hey, I'm hungry. Can I grab a granola bar? Hey, I bet you have some cookies. Can I grab a couple? Sort of idea. You were like, that's so weird. And I remember like, why? Like, they were just down the street and they were thirsty, so they stopped by to get a soda. So it didn't struck strike me as strange. I thought it was weird that you thought it was strange, and then as time went on, I've seen that, yeah, our family structures are just different. I grew up at my friends were always over. I haven't lived at home in a long time. My friends from high school or whatnot will still stop by and just pop in to say hi to my parents or do something or grab something. So I love that and that's how I was raised, and I think that is something that now we live in a new area, we live in a more populated area because before we did live more rural. Our kids are becoming of age, like getting into middle school. I want us to become an open house more. I want our kids' friends to come over. And just uh always pop in, grab a cookie from the counter, and just feel welcome to be here. I wanted to talk about. Open house, closed house concept and why I would really want them to do that. And if you'd see problems with it. I mean, I'm not a huge proponent of the idea right off the bat, I suppose. I can probably see where there is some benefit, right? Because then you have Perhaps some sense of safety and comfort in the home that is open because people want to be there. That There is a positive associated with that, but My typical outlook on life is that everything should be structured and scheduled, so it does basically go against that and perhaps rubs me a bit the wrong way because I would rather have everything structured and set based on what expectations are rather than having an unknown event occur. Right, and I think I knew that about you. I assumed that, and then after I worded that question, I realized, oh, that's setting you up for Countering it, and that's, I didn't mean to do that, but I assumed you were gonna counter anyways. Is that true? I gave both a positive and a negative. Off the top of my head, a few main reasons I wanna have an open house moving forward, cause I think we actually veered towards Clotis house, cause that was your comfort zone and you had a strong preference to that, so I leaned into that. But I think now I want us to lean into my preference, and it's because. Um, as our kids are getting older, we're already seeing that they prefer to hang out with their friends than us. Which is great, and that's very natural, very age appropriate. I want to be able to know their friends really well. I want to be able to. Uh, spend time with them too. I don't want them just to run off to their friend's house and we don't see them again for hours. Or, you know, the weekend or whatnot. I'd rather them be there, so we're still with them, so we can still monitor what's going on. That way, I think, yeah, I think ultimately that way we get more time with our children as they're getting older, and we get to know the influences that are around them. And help shape them all. That's true. Yeah, that's what I was starting to get out with sort of the safety and comfort aspect of having an open house is that likewise, you would also have sort of a overwatch perspective and position that you'd be able to be able to do all those things that you mentioned. I even thought about it today, we were at church and somebody was saying something about like a older lady that's like a mom figure and they called her Cookie. And I was like, oh, I could take that nickname. I like that, because, again, this is a definitely either a way we grew up, or like you said, maybe cultural, from the different side of the country, but like my mom was always called Mom. And it was, you know, we had like, Uh, lots of, I grew up with lots of moms and dads and grandmas and grandpas that weren't my parents or grandparents. But they played those kind of roles, and we would just call them that with their first name or that with their last initial or something like that. So I could do that with my name too, if their kids, our kids' friends want to do that, I wouldn't never push it or force it, but I do like. I think I was thinking about it like, oh, I would love it if one of their friends called me mom. Whatever, you know, Like a second mom, just cause I think that You can never have too many positive parental figures in your life. Yeah, I don't think I. Would have Had any Encouragement to to do so, like the Familial roles and responsibilities and names were very, very structured in my history. Like, he did not call your aunt mom, he did not call Your mom, mother, like there was so many cultural and societal familial norms that That was actually looked down upon, and you were what you were, and that was it. Yeah, well, that was something we had to deal with early in our marriage again was, I grew up, you know, being aunti so and so. Even though they weren't your aunt, and you did not like that when our friends or whatnot would call us aunt and uncle, even though we weren't their aunt and uncle. Yeah, I think still to this day, I'll allow it, but I certainly will not encourage it. And in the back of my mind, I will cringe a little bit. Right, but you don't actively change the wording, which is good now, because I didn't like that. Because it's a. I think it's a sign of respect. If they call you uncle, and you're not really their uncle, I think that's a sign of respect that you are a close adult. Figure in their life, and also, so I think it's, yeah, a respect thing, I think it is a Showing that like, you mean something to me, and there's not some random male adult that I saw at the grocery store. You are uncle I suppose so. I'm still, I'm not aligned to this concept, but. I will perhaps entertain it if it comes about. Right, and I mean, following that suit, I mean my best friend's kids call us auntie and uncle. They don't have any aunts and uncles themselves, they're only kids. So, I think that's good for them. But I will say for our own children, we did not call any of their aunts or uncles, aunt and uncle before they got married. So our siblings, when they were dating, we made an intentional choice not to call them uncle. Or aunt until they were actually married. And on their wedding day, we changed it to aunt and uncle. And we were the only siblings to do that. All of my, all my siblings jumped on uncle or aunt early on. That's true. I suppose so. I'm trying to remember back even to my childhood that if there was like a Cousin that was like the second cousin or like a great aunt. I don't think it was even like expected or appropriate to call them like simply cousin or aunt. You had to refer to them as their full title. What do you mean by that? Like it wasn't. Aunt XYZ, it was great aunt XYZ. Oh, no, yeah, my like my mom's aunt or my dad's, yeah, my mom's aunts, we just call them aunt so and so. Yes, and then we have a lot of my parent, my mom has a huge family. Her mom was like one of 10, so a lot of my mom's cousins are a lot older, they could be her mom and dad. That age gap is so big. So for them, they called him cousin, they intentionally would call him cousin so and so. And again, it was like a sign of respect because that could be their parent, they were the same age. But they weren't aunt and uncle, so they would make the name cousin. But then the closer age gap you got, you dropped the cousin and just call them their name. There you go. Interesting. And I still do that today. He's not. Like I have cousins and my mom's cousins, I can still think of them, and it's cousin so and so. You know, they're 70 now, and I would still call them cousin so and so if I saw them. Well, there you go. So, I'm, I have no issue if other kids in the neighborhood call you. Some familiar name, but I don't think I would encourage that nor enjoy that. But if it happens, it happens, I suppose. I can live with it. Yeah, OK, so we wouldn't discourage it, that's good. I'm not gonna be creepy and be like, call me mommy. Like that's not OK. But so I don't know how it happens. I just remember my friends just would start calling her mom, you know, and So we'll see as time goes on, that's not a big thing, but the big thing I want is I want our kids to want to be home. I want their friends. To feel welcome here too. That's true. I think I would be more OK with this if there was at least. Maybe Some structure still, where perhaps there was a drop by or drop in and it was unannounced and unscheduled, but perhaps if the end time was a pre-agreed upon. Date and time At the time of the drop in. Yeah, I mean, I, are you getting it like bedtime, or like even earlier? Cause I mean, we, right now we have a pretty strict bedtime. Obviously as they become teens and older, that'll loosen. But right now, say the friend, the neighborhood kids come and hang out. Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna tell him like, you know, it's getting close to bedtime, head home, yeah, bedtime or curfew or the main thing I think would be like meals. Like, are you gonna stay for a meal or not? What do you think? Would you let them stay for dinner? See, I would not be opposed to it, but I would need to know ahead of time, I think, to be more comfortable with it. This is all very theoretical, right, yeah, cause these haven't happened too much. It's just like the tipping, we're starting to get to there, which is why I think it's good that we have these conversations. This is starting to become our reality. Our kids are starting to play with the neighborhood kids, or now, and it's like, well, can they bring them in, you know, and, uh. And they eat here and that sort of thing. I think for now, I'd be fine with it. I would start to worry, like, it can't be like every day, especially if it's like one kid, say you become. Basically a free babysitter. That's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm looking for. Um, and if it's like an everyday thing, I could see us being like, hey, we need time, just the six of us are. Original family But then when that comes, maybe having a strict like every Thursday night is family night. Period or whatnot, you know. But that hasn't become an issue yet. You are not opposed to having an open house here in our new home? Not completely I'm not an opponent of it per se, but I'm open to it. I'm open to the open house. OK. I'm unclosed to the closed house. I'm unclosed to the open house. You're unclosed to the closed house. So you're still open to the closed house. Well, I mean, that would be my default. I don't think you'd have to convince me to have a closed house. Right, well, that's what I, that's what I was saying. The last decade or so, we've had a closed house. We've had very few people come over. And if they do, it's while you're at work, and they leave before you get back. But that's not to say that we haven't had events. We still have scheduled events, birthday parties and small groups and things like that that have been scheduled and planned. So there's been people over to the house. It's just not. Unscheduled. Yeah. See, I don't even feel like I would do this personally. Like I would never ever drop by anybody's house unannounced. Like that is something that would never ever cross my mind. If I did need to go like visit somebody. I would give a Pre-notification of some sort, a call or a text. Of something. Nowadays I typically do that, but that's because I don't want to drive over there and they're not there. Um, But if I was in the area, And especially if maybe I was out of town. I would, I mean, yeah, I probably would just text him like, hey, I'm in town. Can we meet up? Can I come see you? But I have invited myself to people's house before. Very recently, like, hey, can we come over? I'll bring coffee. There you go. And I always tell him too For those who are listening, cause one is that I did this to you recently, and I just said I'd bring coffee, and I said, Do not clean the house, because that's another thing is I do not want people to stress if I come over. They don't need to have a perfect Pinterest house. To me, a sign of friendship is when I come over and there's laundry waiting to be folded or that sort of thing. The dishes aren't done because I'm like, oh, you consider me close enough friend that we don't have to put on a show. You know, I'll sit here and fold the laundry with you while we chat, or something like that. That is, I have a few friends that we've had that with kind of relationship with for a long time and I love it. Like, I could just come over, do not. Feel like you have to bake cookies. Do not feel like you have to scrub the baseboards. So for her, I was like, I'm gonna come over, don't clean. There you go. See, I feel like I would have to have a nicely mowed lawn. But I always have to feel like I have a nicely mowed lawn. I live in, live in America. Do you feel stressed. Our remote our yard's being mowed, but multiple neighbors now are getting like professionals to come see their yards. No, I'm not to that point yet. It's, it's, I think gonna be. Fine with just normal. Maintenance and care, but maybe there'll be some additional things that are needed with grass fertilizer or something like that. But now it is springtime and a lot of people are getting things in order. There are still, as you drive around the neighborhood, a few houses that have like not mowed ever yet this year, so I don't feel too bad. So you feel better compared to them. Yeah, but there's none of those streets within. Visual distance of our front porch, but there are some around the neighborhood. I don't know. I think I just am not competitive enough. I don't want a stinky house. Like that is my biggest, uh, fear in life and the only concern I have. As long as my house, I mean, obviously in like cleanliness, so you can't be like, filthy, right? Like, But I don't want a stinky house, that's what I stress about. I want a really good smelling home without all the chemicals, which is hard to do, to have a naturally good smelling home, but I'm trying. And other than that, I am not competitive enough to worry about what my yard looks like or How clean my windows are compared to the neighbors. Do you know people sometimes like wash their windows? Not just like spray it with Windex, but like. Power wash it or get a professional come out like yearly. We may need to here because all the pollen and dirt and stuff. Yeah, I did notice that it's pretty bad here. It was a while ago that I learned that that was a thing that people do. I was like, oh, I. Never crossed my mind to hire a professional window cleaner. I just swipe it down with Windex and call it done. That's true. I don't think they're dirty dirty. I would admit that they'd look nicer if you got them professionally cleaned. But I don't feel inferior if they're not. Um, yeah, that's probably true. I don't know if I typically look at the cleanliness of a window, unless it's like filthy. Right, yeah, there's like a level, right? Like a tipping point, kind of like we're talking about like if everyone comes over every night, all day long, OK, there's a tipping point that we have to set boundaries, like, OK, this is family time only. Also, there's a tipping point for the yard or the windows. No, it's not a tipping point that is in my mind for the structured end time. It's so that there is a structured end time and that it's known. So, You just know what it is and then therefore you can set your expectations accordingly. Would it change based on, yeah, like if somebody's going to leave at 5 versus 9, I'm gonna have to build up more societal energy to be present. But what if you don't have to entertain them? They're just playing with your friends, your kids, if I'm like completely unengaged, perhaps that's the case, but still feel like I would need to be somewhat present in that. Little incremental bit of presence and mental energy would be helpful to know if I was being done with that, said mental energy at 5 p.m. or 9:00 p.m. Have you seen those joke decorations that people hang up that's like, please leave by 9. And it's like, instead of like happy birthday, it's a banner, but it says that. I've not seen. You would love that. And then you'd be tapping on it the closer to 9 o'clock you got. I don't, yeah, I don't mind too much, honestly. It depends on who it is and how well I know them, but I have some friends that would come over that I'd just be fine saying like lock up when you leave. And we've been told that by friends, so we've been at places where they just say when you go, lock up. We're like, OK. Yep, there you go. That's not you. No, I need to lock up myself to have peace of mind. But do you see the difference when it's our kids' friends versus if it was a peer? Yes, I understand. Cause we're not engaging with them necessarily, I mean, if they were like, hey, play Uno with us, then yeah, like, we probably should, but they don't want to, they wanna play Minecraft together, or basketball together. So I'm fine with them doing that. And if they ask for a juice box, I give them one. There you go. So, you, our listeners can let us know if you have any thoughts on the pros or cons of an open house or closed house, and then perhaps we'll get into the etymology of pro versus con next time. Sounds good. So, from your friends at I Hate Talking, until next time, remember, it is only through talking that we begin the journey to understanding.