Tuesday Talks!

The Second Time Around: Grandparents Raising Grandkids

• Dr. Tiffany • Season 3 • Episode 5

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Grandparents raising grandchildren face unique challenges from financial burdens to educational obstacles while trying to provide stability for 2.5 million children nationwide. We explore the growing phenomenon of "grandfamilies" and how schools, communities, and support organizations can better serve these second-time-around parents.

• Over 2.5 million children are being raised by grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other extended family members
• Grandparents step in for various reasons including parental addiction, mental health issues, incarceration, abandonment, or death
• Many grandparents raise grandchildren on limited fixed incomes while facing unexpected financial burdens
• Different grandparent roles include daycare provider, living-with caregiver, and legal custodial guardian
• Today's parenting approaches differ significantly from when grandparents raised their own children
• Navigating school systems, IEPs, and academic support presents unique challenges for grandfamilies
• Resources like PASTA (Parenting a Second Time Around) offer specialized support for kinship caregivers
• Schools can serve as central hubs for connecting grandfamilies with community resources and support
• Title I funds can be strategically used to provide tailored services for grandfamilies in school communities

Share this episode, subscribe, and help spread awareness about the 2.5 million children being raised by grandfamilies who need our communities and schools to become pillars of support.


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Tuesday Talks is hosted by Dr. Tiffany. She has been a Speech/Language Pathologist for 20 years. She's also a speaker and educational consultant. Dr. Tiffany hosts webinars and in-person workshops for teachers and parents.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Tuesday Talks, your educational podcast, helping parents become strong advocates for their kids and teachers to make big impacts in the classroom. Here we go, hey, there, welcome. Welcome to another great Tuesday Talks. If you have not already go ahead, share this episode, go ahead and give it a thumbs up. All the social media things Again.

Speaker 1:

Today we're talking about another great topic that I think is really important because we're seeing a rise in it, and this is we're going to talk tonight about grandparents raising kids, raising their grandkids right. So it is a second time around for them. And as I was thinking about this topic, I reflected on my own background, right Like. I remember my grandmother from fifth grade through eighth grade. She dropped me off at school and picked me up from school every day from fifth through eighth grade, and that was just the arrangement that my mom had with her. She did it. I never saw her gripe complain. I probably was oblivious to it because I was middle school age, but that was her commitment, so her day was really planned around that. I know for myself.

Speaker 1:

Picking up my son now from school, you know, being responsible for the drop off and the pickup, I am like bolting out the door at 745 in the morning, making sure I'm doing that every day, and then 2.45 pm I'm out the door to make sure that I am getting him from school on time. And I distinctly remember my grandma always being at the front of the pickup line. And if you pick up kids from school you know that car rider line can be very long I was going to say miles long, that's a bit of an exaggeration. It could be very long. So to make sure you're in and out as quick as possible, you get there early so you can be in the front of the line, the school gets to know oh, this mom, this grandma, this dad is always there at the front, let me make sure their kid is ready right when it's time for pickup to begin so they can get out. And so she did that every day for four years, planning her day around that. Now it was something that, again, she didn't complain about. But also if she wanted to travel which my grandma wasn't much of a traveler, she was more of a homebody, but let's say she did want to travel. Let's say she wanted to meet a friend for lunch. She was always monitoring the clock because she knew she had to be somewhere in the afternoon. And now with my own son, I have asked my mom on occasion to pick him up from school if I'm traveling for work or if I have some work thing or maybe I'm sick, and so then that's an arrangement that she has to make, and make shifts in her day too, too, to make sure she's able to do that and pick up and drop off from school.

Speaker 1:

While that is very much a commitment, that's like the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the involvement of grandparents in their grandparents' lives. There are different roles and we're going to talk about some of those in this episode, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. If we think about, there's an article I was reading that more than two and a half million children two and a half million children are raised by grand families is how they're referred to, right? So grandparents, aunts, uncles, other extended family they refer to, the article refers to them as grand families. So two and a half million children, that's a lot of kids, and the grand families are caring for these kids because the parents are unable to do it. So this is not just pick up and drop off from school. This is two and a half million kids being raised by grandfamilies and that report came from a group called Generations United, which is a national advocacy group, and they did a study back in 2022 and got that number for two and a half million kids and they found that the reason for grandparents needing to provide this level of support for grandchildren can really vary.

Speaker 1:

So maybe a parent has an addiction or difficulty with alcohol or drugs. The grand family step in to raise the kid. Maybe the parent has mental health challenges or emotional problems. It just makes it unsafe for them to be in full control over their kid. There could be child neglect, abandonment issues or abuse. A parent might be incarcerated. The parent might be really young, like a teen pregnancy, and just really inexperienced at being a parent, and maybe not even ready to be a parent, even though now they have a kid. There could be physical health issues of the parent that may be debilitating. The parent could also have passed away. There could be unstable home life, maybe homelessness for the parent, and so the child goes to stay with grandparents. There could be a lack of financial resources, this study found, or just a general lack of ability to functionally parent a child. There could be domestic violence in the home, divorce or other family challenges. It also could stem from military deployment.

Speaker 1:

As to why grandfamilies have now stepped in to take on this parenting role and oftentimes raising grandkids, they found in this article. It really you know they're doing it on limited income. If you're, you know retirement age. You know that you're probably living on a fixed income. You know retirement age. You know that you're probably living on a fixed income. So imagine this fixed income. And now you're not only taking care of yourself, but now you're also taking care of your grandkid or your grandchildren, right, multiple. You are paying to feed them, clothe them, school supplies, extracurricular activities, them school supplies, extracurricular activities, all the things, any tutoring that they may need, any birthday parties they might go to and need to bring a gift, any type of school project that requires extra supplies. You are stepping up as the grand family to do this and if you're the grandparent, you're doing it on likely a fixed income.

Speaker 1:

And so all of this is motivated by love, right? Love is what had my grandma picking up and dropping off and picking me up from school. Love is what has my mom occasionally picking up or dropping off my son from school. Love is what drives the aunt, to do with the uncle, whoever. It's all generated by love. But the truth is love doesn't buy grocery, love doesn't buy clothes, it doesn't pay for medical issues, it doesn't pay for enrollment in those extracurricular activities. So grandparents need extra financial support to make sure that their grandkids can thrive.

Speaker 1:

I know my mom owns a tutoring center in Columbus, georgia, called BTG Learning plug, and she has quite a few grandparents that are the custodial parent or just in that role as primary parent for their grandkids, and they are on that fixed income. But they recognize that their grandkid needs additional help with academics and so then they are scraping together the funds to pay for additional tutoring that the school can't or won't or doesn't I don't know, the situation doesn't provide, and so that's an extra cost. I mean for me working a salary job and signing my son up for football, getting him involved in some STEM group or whatever code ninjas, different things that he likes to do that's extra. I had him doing math tutoring for a while. It was one-on-one, that was $400 a month. That was not like. I don't live that kind of life where I just have $400 laying around every month with nothing to do with it. That was a sacrifice I had to make to get him the help that I felt like he needed. But if I was on a fixed income I would be having to choose between a bill and getting the tutoring for my kid.

Speaker 1:

And so then we think about the grandparents and how influential they are in the lives of their grandchildren, whether they're just providing that occasional care or they live close by. Maybe they live far away, but a lot more frequently now grandparents are assuming the role of parent for their grandchildren. We talked about a couple of different roles already that daycare grandparent, who provides that regular daily care for an extended period of time. Maybe you have a toddler. You're like hey, grandmom, granddad, daycare is so expensive, can I please bring your grandchild to you to watch while I'm at work? We know daycare is not cheap. The free daycare or the free preschool that is given normally there's a lottery system to get you in, so sometimes you don't make the cut by no fault of your own. So that one role. That daycare grandparent.

Speaker 1:

Another role that this article talked about was the living with grandparent. This is the grandparent who the grandchild resides with, but that grandparent doesn't have legal custody of the child with, but that grandparent doesn't have legal custody of the child. Usually the child lives in the grandparent's home, with the grandparent and, again, for a myriad of reasons, the parent is just unavailable, full-time unavailable, so that grandchild is living with the grandparent but they don't have legal custody. So that, right there, limits what that grandparent can do, as far as you know enrollments in different things, getting medical care, sometimes making really high level decisions that impact the child If you don't have legal custody, sometimes that's a barrier to get those things done.

Speaker 1:

And then you have custodial grandparents. They have obtained legal responsibility for the grandchild. They've gone through the process to now be recognized by a court document that they are the custodial grandparent. They're the primary parent for this grandchild, and we're talking about people in their I would say this article talked about grandparents from mid fifties, all the way up. So all three of these groups reported in this article that rearing their young grandchildren and we're talking about kids from infant all the way up through age 17, that this really affected their own lifestyle, the grandparents' lifestyle, their friendships, their family, maybe even their marriage. Imagine grandparents parenting a kid that's coming from a really sticky home situation and now they're in between advocating for this child but also wanting to have their own kid be responsible for their child. There could be a lot of back and forth, a lot of contentious discussions, perhaps even arguments about what's best for the kid, and so nearly three-fourths of all the grandparents reported major adjustments in their routine and their plans and with custodial grandparents reporting the most change because they are now the legal parent of this child.

Speaker 1:

And so it goes back to I'll use my grandma again as that example. It shifted her day Now, the morning maybe not so much because she got up early in the morning anyway, dropping me off to school. While that was definitely a sacrifice, I don't think that was as much of a sacrifice as that afternoon pickup because, like I said, getting there early was best and I wasn't a super rambunctious middle schooler, so dealing with the behavior issues she didn't really have to deal with that. My parents were still around so they dealt with that, if that ever came up. But a lot of times these grandparents are the custodial parent or having their grandchild live with them. These grandkids has significant academic challenges, learning issues, behavioral issues.

Speaker 1:

So many times from teacher friends I've heard stories of kids who are, just for lack of better words, out of control in the classroom and once they do a little digging to figure out, you know what is the home situation. I need to talk with parents. It comes up that the grandparents are the parents and now we're not linking student achievement or behavior to a child being raised by their grandparents, and grandparents just don't know what all has shifted as far as academic learning in the classroom. Behaviorally, I was a kid that got spanked. There are some kids out here today that you can spank and it doesn't faze them at all. I have my own thoughts about spanking. I won't get on that soapbox, but there's some kids today that you can spank, you can give a consequence, you can punish and it just bounces off of them. It has zero impact.

Speaker 1:

So if you're parenting as a grandparent, the way you parented your kids or your grandkids, sometimes there's friction there because, as they say, these kids are built different these days and the way things were done back then with their kids doesn't necessarily work for today's kids. And so learning that stuff, understanding the changes, approaching things differently, all this mindful parenting, gentle parenting A lot of grandparents are like I know how to do this, I raised my kids, I don't need to get any learning on how to parent, and then some of them find themselves in very sticky situations where they've tried everything that they can and they're not seeing any improvement in their grandkids, whether it be their learning or their behavior. And so, as teachers in the classroom, then that responsibility falls on you, which I don't know. That I completely agree with, because there's a lot to do as a teacher in the classroom and now having to navigate some trauma or just adjustment to a new living situation for a student in your class and you're communicating with the grandparent, who maybe sees that there's a need for change and maybe doesn't.

Speaker 1:

I'll never forget one student who I saw for speech therapy at elementary school that I worked at in Virginia over 10 years ago. The student had IEP very lengthy academic goals, behavior goals, speech therapy goals and almost daily the school was calling grandma like hey, you need to either talk to him on the phone or come up here and have a conversation with him or come pick him up. It was one of those three things, because his behavior was I'm talking about bolting out of the classroom, running the halls of the school, bolting out of the school doors, running down the sidewalk in front of the school, throwing tantrums in the class, cursing out loud in the class. I mean, it was just out of control. In fact I picked him up very few times for speech therapy because he would just refuse to go, very few times for speech therapy, because he would just refuse to go. And for me to pull him out of class, as his IEP required me to do, to pull him out of his general education classroom, it just wasn't happening. It was making things worse. So most of the times I ended up going into the classroom to see him for speech therapy, but even then it was more behavior management than it was in his speech therapy, because his behavior was just out of control.

Speaker 1:

And finally one day they called grandma and she said do not call me anymore because while he is at school he is your problem. When he's at home he's mine. She hung up the phone, did not answer another phone call from the school. She was like I'm over it. You keep calling me about the same things. I don't know what to do. She was spanking him. She admitted to that Again. It bounced off no impact at all. And so she was like stop calling me.

Speaker 1:

The six and a half hours that this kid was at school was like her break, which I can fully understand, because he was giving her hell at home. He was giving the teachers hell at school. So that grandparent just always sticks out in my mind. She was not prepared, as I would think many grandparents wouldn't, to now be a parent the second time around and have to deal with the behavior and the academic challenges that this kid had, and I hope and pray that everything you know improved for the student. But I will never forget the principal calling us into the office and was like listen, we can't. Calling grandma is not going to be a thing that we can do anymore because she's just not going to answer the phone and she didn't. She meant that.

Speaker 1:

So while we talk about grandparents stepping in the role of parenting, there are a lot of factors that this article from Generations United pointed out. There's this attitude adjustment. Grandparents usually anticipate the later years of their life to be either not busy at all, because they just want to sit back, maybe watch their soap operas, just hang out at home, or busy, either one, but they envision this second half of their life after retirement to come with a lot of privileges, with being a grandparent possibly, but not all the responsibility of being a parent. So adjusting to that new role of primary caregiver typically takes a lot of effort and it also may mean there's adjustments in life planning, finances. Maybe grandparents have to go back to work to just afford the expenses of being a primary parent for the child.

Speaker 1:

There could also be a lot of mixed feelings. Like most adults enjoy being grandparents, right and associating with their grandchildren, however, taking on the role of raising grandkids can bring on a lot of mixed feelings. It can bring on animosity towards the parent. Now look you not taking care of your role as a parent. Now I have to step in, and so that can create some anger, some anxiety, some pressure. Maybe as a grandparent, you feel now OK, this is now my responsibility, so I need to make sure that I get them on a track to to not put themselves in this situation and they get older, maybe have their own kids.

Speaker 1:

There's heightened stress. Raising grandparents I mean raising children brings with it a lot of stresses. If you're a parent, then you know this. Parenting is stressful. There are great days, but there are also very challenging days. So just think about the concept of homework. That's been a topic on Tuesday Talks before. Sometimes homework could take a long time. If you have a kid that has learning challenges, it could take even longer. So as a grandparent, now you're responsible for picking the kid up or dropping the kid off, I should say, in the morning, picking the kid up in the afternoon and then coming home making sure they're getting homework done.

Speaker 1:

I know, for me, math is not my forte. I'm not ashamed to say it. My kids in fifth grade now I'm telling you, now, by the time he hits sixth, seventh grade, I'm no help. I can do the math with some patience, but explaining how to do it to someone who's just learning it, that's not my forte. You want to write a paper and know how to structure it. Well, I'm your girl, but the math thing is not mine. So imagine now we have a grandparent who's now responsible for helping a sixth grader with algebra, like what.

Speaker 1:

So the stress that comes with that, the stress of homework, time after school, is something that came up a lot in this article. And then again the financial concerns also can heighten the stress as well. If you have a grandchild who has a lot of physical impairments maybe they're in a wheelchair, maybe they need hearing aids, they're deaf or hard of hearing Now these are all heightened levels of care and support that these grandchildren need. Now, these are all heightened levels of care and support that these grandchildren need and that can increase stress, obviously. And then also there's a support need for grandparents as well. As we talk about gentle parenting, mindful parenting, all the things, grandparents need that support as well. So they need to have a place to go to to learn how to be a parent the second time around in the times that we live in now, and in just a minute I'm going to share some of those resources too, so make sure you stay tuned. In the report I thought it was really great.

Speaker 1:

They share some stories from grandfamilies and this was from a 2024 report. One of the grandparents lived in Rhode Island and she adopted her nine-year-old grandson and she said she finds navigating the school system challenging due to a lack of legal recognition for kinship parents. So again, those grandfamilies, ieps and 504s call for resources that the family may not have, so it is really a battle to get them in place for a lot of families. So, again, kids with learning challenges the parent doesn't have, the grandparent doesn't have that custodial right to the parent. So going into a meeting and being able to sign on an IEP is not something that you can do, so that's challenging, but the kid needs the services, but maybe the parent isn't available to come in and sign or just not able to come in and be a part of that process.

Speaker 1:

One of the other grandparents said that they feel like raising their adoptive grandchild was initially very challenging, but over time they were able to learn things from the school because the school had put things in place. They learned that school is not the enemy and that they're supposed to be partners, and so that's when they did see improvements. The grandparents communicated their concerns to the school. They had a receptive school that listened to the concerns and really put a plan in place to help them help the grandchild. So that was a very positive outcome not living in silent suffering, but going to the school to say, hey, this is the challenge that I'm facing, I need some assistance, what can you do? Now it's up to the school to be able to say, hey, we can do this, we can do that, or we don't know what to do. But at least opening up to say to the school we need some assistance was something that this family found really helpful.

Speaker 1:

There was another family who was raising their granddaughter with complex medical needs and they highlighted the ongoing trauma and the importance of advocacy. They said their granddaughter is beautiful, thoughtful and caring and her differences impact her learning. And they said they love her and will advocate for her because she needs someone to do that for her. So, again out of love, these grandparents stepped in, recognizing all the positive attributes that their grandchild had and have now taken that on as their responsibility to make sure that their granddaughter has a better life. And then the last story part of the article was not even from a grandparent, but it was from a 26-year-old who had been raising three younger siblings since he was 17. And he said, despite the trouble, he found that that kinship foster care role. So then he was getting funds from the state to help offset that financial constraint that comes with raising kids, but did also find that the public school system lacked that support, that additional support that he felt like his younger siblings needed. And so there's positive stories there of advocacy, of connection, but also some stories of challenge and kind of exposing what schools could be doing better.

Speaker 1:

And I truly believe that it's a partnership, that schools shouldn't operate in isolation from parents or grandparents the second time around parenting their grandkids, that it really does need to be a combined effort and a lot of times families aren't speaking up to say what type of support they need, or even just to say they need the support. So schools are oftentimes not aware. And then also schools are aware and they either don't have the resources or the time or just the willingness to even offer some support. So very much is a situation on a case-by-case basis, but I have some resources that I wanted to share.

Speaker 1:

There is a great group. It's called Parenting a Second Time Around. The acronym for it is PASTA Parenting a Second Time Around. It's a parenting group designed for relative caregivers who are not the biological parents of the children that are in their care. Pasta provides grandparents and other kinship caregivers with information, skills and resources designed to enhance their ability to provide effective care for children that are in their care. For parenting. It is an eight session workshop that focuses on topics from child development, discipline, guidance, caring for oneself as a caregiver because, just like any mom or dad needs to take time for self-care, grandparents need to understand that that is important to fill their own cup before they can continue filling into the cup of their grandkids. Rebuilding a family is another topic that they cover. Living with teens if you've done it, you know it can be challenging. So imagine doing it in your 60s or 70s. And then also advocacy as well, these groups for parenting a second time around.

Speaker 1:

There are some Facebook groups. You can ask your local library, senior citizens, ymcas. They are typically done in person and so what happens is a group can get together. Maybe a church is like we have a lot of grandparents here and so we want to have this pasta course available. They would reach out to the group parenting the second time around, get the resources and then it is a group led type. Of course Everybody's learning together. It's not like some person comes in to teach all of the information out. So definitely something to check around for. I even did a search on Facebook and there are a lot of parenting a second time around. Facebook groups to join, ask questions, just explore.

Speaker 1:

Generations United was also a really great resource that I found. They have a lot of information on their website. Generations United is the name of the group and their resources are for grandfamilies and for schools to help support children being raised by grandparents. So a great resource, not only for the grandparents or grandfamilies that are raising the kids, but also for schools. We just talked about some of the stories from these grandparents saying, hey, the school wasn't able to support me in any way that I found beneficial. So this would be a great resource for schools, whether you're a daycare, preschool or a public K-12 school for you to check out to get resources to help grandparents and grand families who are raising their grandkids.

Speaker 1:

And then, lastly, was the grandfamilies who are raising their grandkids. And then, lastly, was the Grand Families and Kinship Support Network. This is a group that provides resources nationwide to help government agencies and nonprofit organizations improve supports and services to the families that are grandfamilies providing parenting for their grandkids or nieces and nephews, and also any kinship support as well. So a great resource. If you have a nonprofit organization and you think, oh, this is an area I think I could be a part of to help serve a need in the community where I'm at, this Grand Families and Kinship Support Network would be a great place to start so that you could use your skills, your passion, your knowledge to help these families in your communities.

Speaker 1:

And, lastly, I'd like to just give some practice recommendations, because we talked about a lot and this is a really big topic recommendations, because we talked about a lot and this is a really big topic, and so ways that we can help in this is to partner with schools. Encourage these kinship navigator programs to build these strong relationships with schools, to help facilitate the referrals to these types of programs, ensure both the caregivers and schools are informed about various laws and policies related to educational access. We had a IEP episode here on Tuesday Talks a few weeks ago and you know navigating that process is challenging. There are a lot of parent rights that are associated with IDEA, keyword there being parent. Again, if grandparents don't have that custodial ties to their kid legally, then they're limited on what they can do in that process.

Speaker 1:

So, partnering with schools if you are an entity, a nonprofit, just a person with passion and you have this as an area of expertise, go partner with your local school, your local school district. Provide some information, because there are families there that need the support. Also, for schools that get Title I funds, these are typically schools that have high poverty rates. Of the students that attend the school, they can engage in kinship families in decision-making processes about how federal and local funding should be used to support tailored services. So, if you are a school and you receive these Title I funds, look into the different ways that you can allocate those funds so that you can help this specific group of families at your school.

Speaker 1:

And then, lastly, position schools as this central hub for providing these types of wraparound services, which are services that essentially wrap around the child, not just at school, but also impact them in the community, impact them at home, to ensure that all of these kids arrive at school prepared to learn and to thrive. And that is what teachers really need is for kids to walk into their classroom prepared and ready to learn. It is very hard to do as a kid if you're coming from a home where there last night was an argument between grandma and your mom over who needs to do what and who isn't doing what, or you're moving around. And now, finally, you're in a new home with grandparents and maybe there's some clash there because grandma does things very differently than maybe mom or dad. Grandma, granddad may be on it and mom and dad were kind of aloof to what was going on. And now the kid comes to school with a huge attitude because they're being held accountable in a way that they never had before. There's so many different scenarios, but including all parts the community, the school and the family is really the key here to make sure that kids thrive and learn, and isn't that what education is all about?

Speaker 1:

So I hope you enjoyed this episode. Feel free to share this, like, subscribe, follow, download all the social media things. This is a super important topic. Remember 2.5 million children are being raised by grandfamilies 2.5 million. Make your school by grandfamilies. 2.5 million. Make your school, make your community a pillar, in that you are serving the families that are entering your building every single day. And with that, I will see you next week with a brand new episode. Have a good one. Bye. Be sure to share this episode and join me next week for a brand new Tuesday Talks. See ya.