Empowering Kids to Choose Better Friends

Peer approval can feel louder than our voices—and there’s a brain-based reason why. This week Dr. Tiffany pulls back the curtain on how the developing prefrontal cortex and early-firing reward systems make belonging so powerful, then connect that science to what teachers see daily: effort shifts, language changes, and risk-taking that often follow a friend-group swap. From classroom stories to a candid moment when guiding our own child crossed into controlling, we map the terrain parents can’t always see inside school hallways.

We get practical fast. You’ll learn the exact questions that move beyond “Who did you sit with?” to “How do you feel after time with them?” We share short, confidence-building scripts kids can use to say no under pressure, plus a simple test for leadership. 

Underneath it all is a simple aim: raise kids who carry standards into every room, even when we’re not there. If this sparked a new look at your child’s circle, share it with another parent or educator, subscribe for more Tuesday Talks, and leave a review with the one reflective question you’ll ask tonight.

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Tuesday Talks is hosted by Dr. Tiffany. She has been a Speech/Language Pathologist for 20 years. She's also a speaker and educational consultant. Dr. Tiffany hosts webinars and in-person workshops for teachers and parents.

Book Dr. Tiffany as a speaker for your teachers, parent groups and professional development sessions! Visit: www.OurWordsMatterConsulting.com

Transcript

Welcome & Why Friends Matter

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Tuesday Talks, your educational podcast helping parents become strong advocates for their kids and teachers to make big impacts in the classroom. Here we go. Hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Tuesday Talks. Thanks so much for joining me. If this is your first time tuning in, welcome. If you are a return listener, thank you so much for joining me each week. I really appreciate it. Be sure to share this episode with a friend, a colleague, a teacher friend, a mom friend, so that we can really spread the word about what this podcast is really about, empowering parents and teachers to really help our kids succeed. So today I want to start by asking you a question. When your child walks out the door in the morning going to school, do you know what friends they're walking towards? Because the truth is there's a quote that says, Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. And that quote is really real. Think about that. Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. And I heard that recently on another podcast that I was listening to. And it got me to thinking, how are my child's friends influencing him as a person? And this isn't about being judgmental. This is about parents being aware. So today we're going to talk about a few things. We're going to talk about the influence that's invisible of friends on our kids, what teachers see that parents often miss, the long-term impact of poor friend choices, and how to help your child choose their circle wisely without becoming the controlling parent. And I'm going to share a story about how I kind of dipped my toe over the line to becoming that controlling parent, which I thought in the moment was a great thing. And I'm going to give you some things that I learned from that experience too. I want you to remember as we talk through this today, this is not about raising isolated children. This is about raising kids who have discernment. Friends are the whole world of a lot of kids, young, even into adolescents, right? And this is a really important topic because we know there are kids out there that can influence other kids to possibly make decisions that don't really align with who they are as a person, who you raise them to be, and who they know they should be. So I first want to ground us in some of the science of peer influence, really, like thinking about development. Children and adolescents are neurologically wired for belonging. The prefrontal cortex, which you've heard me talk about this on Tuesday Talks before, you've heard guests come on and talk about that pre-frontal cortex development. That part is responsible for decision making, impulse control, long-term thinking. And it is still developing well into the mid-20s, is what the research says. So this social emotional brain, it's the reward system. That part it lights up earlier. That social emotional brain, that reward system, that lights up much earlier than the mid-20s. And so, what does that all mean? It really means that there is this desire to belong that often overrides logic. Let me say that again. There is a desire to belong that often overrides logic. The influence of friends is not just social, it is neurological. And here's the part that parents don't always see peer approval can feel more powerful than parental guidance in a moment. And it's not because your child doesn't respect you, but because their brain is craving connection. And so that peer approval will supersede what you have guided them to do their whole life in some instances. And so I think it's really important to think about teacher insight and what educators could see every day. So speaking from the educator lens and thinking about thinking back to my years being an SLP in the school system and having many conversations with teachers and parents about different students. And I really found out that teachers can often predict behavior shifts, academic decline, increased defiance, risk-taking behaviors simply by noticing friend group changes. Think about that. Teachers could see very detailed things in behavior shifts, academic decline, increased defiance, and risk-taking behavior simply by noticing friend group changes. These teachers see the quiet student who becomes disruptive after sitting next to a certain peer, uh, the strong student who starts turning in incomplete work because their friends don't care about work, or the confident child who suddenly shrinks to match the insecurity of their friend group. Teachers see how friend groups influence tone, language, risk tolerance, and effort. And we talked a lot about that effort piece on here as well. That whole mindset trying to instill growth mindset versus fixed mindset in our kids. And so if teachers understand and can see how friend groups influence many things to include effort, we really want to be talking to our kids' teachers to know who they're hanging around because we can't see what's going on in school. We know who we raised our kid to be, but we can't see what's going on in school. So teachers really are that doorway to learning more information about how your child is behaving, who they're interacting with at school. So if you're not asking about those things at parent-teacher conferences, you're missing out. You're missing out. I think that that might even supersede a question about academics, to be honest. I want to know, and I think other parents should know who their kids are hanging out with, who does the teacher feel are good influences and not so good influences, so that you can have further conversation with your kid. Teachers can also really identify who the ringleader is in a group dynamic within weeks of school starting. I know so many teachers who are like, yep, within the first couple of weeks, I already have it pegged. Who's gonna be the disruptor? I already know it. And I can see the kids who are following along with the disruptor, who are being influenced by the disruptor. And when that leader makes unhealthy choices, there's a ripple that spreads. And that can lead to chaos in classrooms, that can lead to chaos in children's day-to-day lives as far as school interactions go. And so this long-term impact of for poor friend choices, I really want to be real for a minute. Poor friend choices don't just mean talking in class. I'm chatty with my friend next to me. No, no, no. Long-term influence can impact academic trajectory, self-esteem, risk behaviors, identity formation, future opportunities. Those are heavy-hitting topics. And research consistently shows that peer groups influence substance abuse, academic persistence, delinquency patterns, even long-term career motivations, and the subtle pieces that children can start adjusting their standards to match their friend circle. And if the circle normalizes disrespect, if the circle normalizes low effort, risk taking, sneaky behavior, then that becomes the new baseline. Not overnight, but gradually. And that's how I think it sneaks up on some parents to be like, wait a minute, this is not the kid I raised. I was just talking with a teacher friend of mine the other day, and he had been called to speak on behalf of a student that got into a fight at school and they were trying to put the kid into alternative school. And the parent reached out, you know, they're having the hearing, their tribunal, and hey, can you come speak as a character witness on behalf of my daughter or at least write a letter? So this teacher friend did that, and the mom is just perplexed. The child got in a fight at school, and now they're trying to put her daughter into alternative school. And the fight at school isn't really this student's character, but her friend circle. This is what my teacher friend said. He said, I knew it when I saw who she was hanging out with at school. She came here as a new student, and I could see the influence of the people that she gravitated towards and who she started hanging around with. And I saw that influence happening. And, you know, try to talk to her, give some insight. You might want to make some better choices, but ultimately it's the kid's decision. And if as a parent, you're not informed about who your kid is hanging out with at school, you're gonna miss a lot, right? They're at school for a large part of their day. That influence has a greater percentage of the chance of getting big impact on your kid than outside influences from school, if we're thinking about that. There is this unspoken power of social, emotional, and behavioral contagion. So thinking about energy being contagious, attitudes being contagious, emotional regulation being contagious. And remember, if your child is spending seven hours a day at school with this friend circle, or just even one peer that is constantly complaining, mocking achievement, dismissing authority, seeking chaos, that influence can start to seep in. And even strong kids are not immune. This isn't about your child being weak. This is about exposure. Because proximity shapes perspective. Think about that. Proximity shapes perspective. We've heard all these old adages, right? You know, one bad apple spools a bunch, birds of a feather flock together. Show me your friends and I'll show you your future. We really, as parents, have to start thinking about who our friends are, who our kids are hanging around with as their friends, or even just associates, because that energy is contagious. Attitude is contagious, and that emotional regulation is contagious as well. So when we think about what awareness we need to take, we need to also move into the action piece of it. And that's what we do here on Tuesday Talks. We talk about the problem and then what can we do? Right. So I want to give some suggestions. The first one, know friends beyond their names. Don't just ask, who did you sit with today? If your kids are younger, who did you sit with at lunch today? Ask, what do you like about this friend? First of all, you need to know their names. If you don't know your kids' friends' names, you are 10 steps behind where you need to be. You need to know them by name. So that when you're talking with your kids, you can ask specifically about certain friends. So, what do you like about this person? How do they treat other people? How do you feel after spending time with them? These are questions that are teaching reflection, not interrogation, right? We don't want to, what did this person do today? What did they say? How do they no? We're asking them to reflect on the friend or the friend group. So asking specific questions that go beyond just their name so that you can get an understanding of how your child is reflecting on their interaction and their perception of their friends. The second thing that we can do as parents is normalize discernment. I've said this to my friend, to my son so many times about friends. You don't need a lot of friends, you just need the right ones. But remember, our kids are developed, are developing in this manner that draws them to connection. So they think more friends, the better, right? But we know as adults, more friends doesn't always equal better influence, but you want to look at quality over quantity. And so helping our kids identify the traits of healthy friends is really the place to start. Do your friends show respect? Are they honest? Do they give encouragement? Do they take accountability? Do they have any shared values that you have, that we have as a family? Make the dinner table or even the ride to and from school to the grocery store to practice, make it a space for conversation so that you could ask more reflective questions and then start to help them develop that sense of discernment. Because remember at the top of the episode, I said we're not raising kids to be isolated, but we are raising them to have a sense of discernment. And that is going to go a long way, not just in their youth, but in their adult life as well. Remember, we're planting seeds to have productive adults. We don't want to be raising kids our whole lives, right? The third thing I would suggest is teach the power of no scripts. So kids freeze in the moment. And I know my son and his personality, we've talked through some things, we've done role play before, and I know he freezes up in the moment. He's come back and told me that. Give your kids the language ahead of time. Maybe you teach them to say, like, nah, I'm not into that. Like, that's not my thing, or I'm good, or I don't want to deal with the consequences of that. Like, teach them the words to say in the moment so that they don't feel this pull to make a bad choice, that they have the words to say to their friends that let them know this is a boundary for me and I'm not doing that. And have them feel that power in saying that as well. Practice it casually. Do role play. You know, you listen to episodes. I love a good roleplay. I think it gives an opportunity to practice a skill in real time in a structured way. But there is confidence that grows with rehearsal. Confidence happens when you have practiced something, even if it is a social exchange over time. That gives them the confidence to be able to say the thing when they need to in the moment with their friends. The fourth thing, we're raising leaders and not followers. Nobody wants to raise their kid to be a follower, right? That's we can just make that assumption. Nobody wants to raise their kid to be a follower, but leadership at school doesn't necessarily mean popularity, right? It means standing firm, setting tone, walking away when something doesn't feel right, doesn't align with who they are as a person, and choosing long-term gain over short-term approval. So ask your child, would you rather be accepted or respected? That question sticks. Do you want to be accepted or respected? There is a difference. Accepted is what followers want. Respect is what leaders want. And we want our kids to be leaders. So help them see that just because they have a lot of friends, that they're really popular, that doesn't actually mean that they have true leadership skills. We want our kids to stand firm as leaders, but we also want them to make sure that they are using their leadership for good influence, not for bad. Um, the fifth thing that I would suggest doing is schedule a meetup. If your kids are younger, you might use the term playdate with your kids' friends. Like call the moms. Hey, take them to the trampoline park, I don't know, the park, whatever kids in your child's age group like to do. And the reason why I say this is that I don't know about you, but I pay attention to how the friends of my son move. I pay attention to how they interact with their parents. Are they respectful? Are they disrespectful to their parents? Do they respect authority? How do they make space for others? I'm observant. And to be honest, I kind of start creating a catalog of pros and cons for each of the kids that my son considers to be a friend for him. I'm just gonna be totally honest. And I just start making a mental list. And as parents, we need to start observing dynamics. We need to watch in this friend group who leads, who pressures, who respects boundaries. And if you are scheduling a meetup or a play date for your kids, this could become the testing ground for you to see how your child's personality shifts around their friends. And also how your child's friends act or behave as well. So looking at how does your child show up when they are around their friends? Do you see changes in their personality? Do they become more withdrawn and start to follow when you know you have seen them lead in other situations? Do they become more boisterous? Do they become a little bit more disrespectful? Do things kind of stay the same? Observe those shifts, those dynamics, and observe any character shifts as well. When my son was younger, I paid attention to how his friends reacted when it was time to go. So when he's like two or three, four, even, we're all out at, I don't know, some tumbling place or the park or wherever we went. We met up with some of his little friends and their mom. I paid attention to how the kids reacted when mom says time to go. Did they have a meltdown? Did they politely ask for five more minutes? Did they ignore their parent and just keep on playing? Because I didn't play that. Like my son knew when it was when I said it was time to go, that meant it was time to go. And he would say, I gotta go, guys. And that was that. Occasionally he might say, like, can I have five more minutes? Sometimes I would say yes, sometimes I would say no. But that was when he was younger. Now that he's 10, I want to know his friend's character. So when my son offers up an idea for a game or activity with his friends, do they just dismiss his ideas? Do they consider it? When he's on FaceTime with them, I make sure to speak to them on FaceTime. I want to see if they say hi back. I want them to know that I am around, aware. I want to get a gauge on their level of respect for me as an adult. And it's those little things that add up to big things. And so I would encourage you to do the same as well. Um, the last suggestion that I would give is don't panic. Guide. And this is where I feel like I stepped over the line of control, but I think it was to the benefit of my son. So a few years ago, I had a situation where a kid my son considered to be a friend just wasn't being a good friend. Like the personality of my son is very giving, compassionate, funny, sincere. And once he calls you a friend, he expects a reciprocity and kindness. Well, this friend was very hot and cold. One moment he'd be nice. The next moment I'd hear him say something mean to my son on FaceTime. And I noticed that it was really upsetting to my son. And at that time, he was about five or six years old. So I first talked to mom. And we had a real good heart-to-heart conversation. And she in turn had a conversation with her son, and I saw some changes. But then eventually we got back to this hot and cold being nice, being mean, being nice, being mean, and it just didn't stop. So I made the decision to end the friendship. Before I made that decision, I was asking those reflective questions of my son. Remember, he's five or six years old. Is this kid a really good friend? Would friends say something like mean to you? Or would they say nice things to you? I'm asking him these reflective questions, but that sense of connection, he would say to me, Mom, everybody at school plays with this kid. If I don't be his friend, then I won't get to play with the other kids. That was very telling. He's holding on to this friendship that he himself called toxic at five or six years old. That's how he described the friendship as toxic. He was willing to hold on to that because he wanted that connection and that sense of belonging to the whole friend group at school. So on the weekends, when this little boy would FaceTime him, he'd answer it. And they'd be on FaceTime for hours playing. Games, talking, laughing. Kid might hang up in my son's face, refuse to answer my son's FaceTime back. It just got to the point where it was just too much drama for five or six years old. So I made the decision to end the friendship. I called the mom. I said, This isn't working. These are the reasons why this is just too much drama going on and it's not healthy. And so the mom and I agreed. We I had my son block her son, her son block my son. Then they don't go to the same school. So they're not able to even interact with each other socially anymore. All the game, Roblox, all that stuff, like just unfriend him on all the things, and we're done with that. And so I had to step in and make that decision for him because he wasn't making the best decision for him. And I in him describing it as toxic and giving me the reason why he still wanted to be friends with this kid. I was just like, no, we're done. So now in in that situation, I had an advantage, right? Because I knew the kid's mom. But as my son has gotten older, I don't know all of his friends' parents. Like I'm just trying to make match the name with the face, but I don't know all of their parents. So then I'm thinking, like, well, what can I do now? And I decided to start asking specific questions without shaming my kid about who he's made friends with and asking questions like, what do you like about them? Do you notice any things that they do that don't really sit right with you? There are any things that they say to people that make you feel like that probably wasn't a good thing to say, or anything that they do to people that you're like, I don't think that was nice. Or asking, like, what kind of friend do you want to be? And in turn, what kind of friend do you want your friends to be to you? And then that really shuts down the shame and opens up curiosity. You don't want to go into it labeling a kid as bad, this kid's no good, don't be friends with them, even though I've been tempted to go there myself sometimes. We don't want to do that because then it just adds shame. And we know that with our kids, if we the more we pull away, the more they go running towards the thing. So cutting down that shame and opening up that curiosity, I think are what some of those questions could really help to. There are some things that I think as parents we might not have considered, and a few things that parents miss. Sometimes kids choose chaotic friends because it feels familiar. Think about that. Sometimes they choose chaotic friends because it feels familiar. And if that stepped on your toes, sorry, not sorry. But if you have chaos at home, your kids might be choosing chaos in their friendships because it's normal to them. You need to have a really honest reflection and ask yourself, could that really be happening? Sometimes kids choose um dominant friends because they lack confidence. So they want to be around somebody who's always going to make the decisions so they don't have to make them. They're always going to want to be around the kid that is going to be able to enter a situation and bring them along as the follower. So then they get to experience a bigger social circle. And sometimes kids choose struggling friends because they want to save someone. So really thinking about why your kids have chosen certain friends and those reflective questions that we talked about could really get you to the core of why they've chosen the friends that they call friends. Because friend choice often reveals an internal need. And that is your cue to lean in, not clamp down. Because remember, we don't want to shame and cause our kids to pull away and now be friends with somebody in secret. We want them to remain open with us. So think about those three things that I just mentioned that maybe you haven't considered yet and have honest reflection with yourself, honest conversation with your partner, and honest conversations with your kids as well. Some of the red flags that I think are sides to watch for in our kids are sudden personality shifts, secrecy increases. Like the other day, my son was a weekend and he was on FaceTime with a friend. And whenever I would come downstairs, he would go upstairs. And then whenever I would come upstairs, he would go downstairs. And I knew the friend he was on FaceTime with. And I said, Hey, why do you keep moving space depending on where I am? And he's like, Oh, because you're making a lot of noise in the background, and then I can't hear. I said, Well, cut all that out. Like stay in one space, right? Like that was something that just kind of caught my attention. You keep shifting. Whenever I'm there, you don't want to be there. And that's not normal for him. So I asked the question and then I made the correction. Um, another red flag to watch out for, obviously, are academic decreases, um, their language changes, they're more irritable, and they're taking these new risks that maybe they weren't before. None of these alone mean danger, but it does mean patterns, and patterns matter. So if we see these patterns starting to form, we need to start asking questions. And I'm telling you, your kids' teacher has a plethora, plethora, I couldn't even get it out, a plethora of information on how your kids move and interact with peers and friends at their grade level. They will be able to tell you something that you didn't know before, but you got to ask the question. And I would encourage you to make that part of the list of questions that you ask when you go for parent teacher conferences. Don't even wait for parent teacher conferences. Send the email now, schedule a phone call. Ask these questions, especially if you've noticed any of those red flag signs that I just talked about. So, in closing, parents, you can't choose your child's friends forever. I know I did in that one instance that I told you, but I know I can't do that forever. You can shape their standards, you can model healthy relationships because our kids are watching us. You can show them what respect looks like because again, they are watching us. And remember, it's not about controlling who they sit with at lunch, who they sit next to on the bus. It's about building internal discernment so that when you're not in the room, their values will still be with them. Because truly, show me your friends and I'll show you your future is real. And if we help them choose wisely, their future looks really strong. So if you have heard this episode and it has made you think about your child's circle, great, because that is what I wanted. Share this episode with another parent. Have the conversation with your kids tonight. Go back and listen to those questions and prompts that I said would really help get you a little bit deeper knowledge of what your kid's friend situation is looking like. Have that conversation. And if you're an educator watching, please I encourage you to drop in the comments to just share how you have seen the impact of friend circles on specific kids. What patterns have you seen when friends groups when friend groups shift? And let's keep sparking change because friends, as the song goes, how many of us have them, right? Friends, ones we can depend on. We really need to set a standard for our kids so that they know how to choose good friends, how to move past friends that aren't really good. And that'll be maybe I just talked up a part two. What do you do when kids have chosen really bad friends? And you're not like I was when my kid was five or six, close with the parent or able to say, don't be friends with them anymore. Like, what do you do? I think that's a good next episode. I might try to get that in the works. But really having that understanding that our kids need to set standards for their friendships. Because if they set poor standards now for friendships, that is going to stick with them as they get older. And the risks that they take and the detriment that could come as a part of taking those risks, the bar gets higher and higher. I've seen it happen to my own friends that I remember from high school, to grown friends that I've seen just make bad choices to family members. It has a direct impact. And remember that it's not overnight, it is gradual. So we have to stay in tune, we have to stay connected, and we have to keep having the conversations. Thank you so much for joining me for another Tuesday Talks. I really appreciate you listening. I appreciate you sharing. I appreciate you commenting as well. And with that, I'll see you next week for another episode. Bye. Be sure to share this episode and join me next week for a brand new Tuesday Talks. See ya.