Toxic Friends, Clear Boundaries: Helping Kids Leave Unhealthy Friendships

Your instincts are rarely random. When you meet your child’s friend, the hard part isn’t noticing the red flags, it’s knowing what to do next without turning into the controlling parent your kid stops talking to. We dig into that tension and turn it into a clear plan you can actually use at home and in the classroom.

I’m joined by Ayoka Hannah, a licensed clinical social worker, certified school social worker, and mom of three teens, to unpack what toxic friendships look like in adolescence and how they differ from normal peer conflict. We talk about behavior patterns to look out for and get practical about the subtle signs schools often see first.

We also go deeper on why kids stay stuck in unhealthy friendships. You’ll hear simple scripts and role-play ideas that help kids set boundaries. And yes, we address social media safety. If you want your child to choose friendships that bring happiness, support, and encouragement, this conversation will help you guide them there. 

Subscribe for more Tuesday Talks, share this with a parent or teacher who needs it, and leave a review so more families can find these tools. What’s the biggest sign you’ve seen that a friendship isn’t healthy?

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Tuesday Talks is hosted by Dr. Tiffany. She has been a Speech/Language Pathologist for 20 years. She's also a speaker and educational consultant. Dr. Tiffany hosts webinars and in-person workshops for teachers and parents.

Book Dr. Tiffany as a speaker for your teachers, parent groups and professional development sessions! Visit: www.OurWordsMatterConsulting.com

Transcript

Welcome And Why Friends Matter

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Tuesday Talks, your educational podcast helping parents become strong advocates for their kids and teachers to make big impacts in the classroom. Here we go. Hey, hey, hey. Welcome back for another episode of Tuesday Talks. Thank you so much for joining me. If you are a first-time listener or if you are returning for another episode, please take a moment to share this with a friend or a colleague because just like every week, we are talking about another dynamic topic. And this is a follow-up to last week's episode. So if you missed last week's episode, then I'll do a quick recap. But I do encourage you to go back and check out that episode because it was really packed with some seriously informative tips, tricks, and strategies for parents. We talked about friendships and that invisible influence of friends. We talked about how teachers often see things that us as parents miss because our kids are at school for six and a half, seven hours a day. We also talked about how to help your child choose their circle wisely without becoming that super controlling parent. And then really, we talked about that long-term impact of poor friend choices. And that is what sparked an idea for a second part to this friendship discussion. Because have you ever met one of your child's friends and thought, absolutely not, something's off, there's a problem, and you smiled anyway? I know I've been in that situation because the nose knows, and I can peg them in a minute. So it doesn't take me very long. But I don't always want to say something to my kid, right? Because I don't want to push him away. I don't want to seem controlling. You know, I don't want to start World War III in the house about a friendship. I kind of want them to, I want them to feel it out and see where he picks up on things that maybe I saw in the the child from the beginning. So today we're going to talk about what to do when your spidey senses as a parent go off about your kids' friends, because let's face it, we don't want to be judgy, but we do want to have discernment. And there is a difference between those two things. And I have a special guest joining us today, Ioka Hannah, to talk further about what to do when we are not a fan of our kids' friends and when our kids' friends have proven that they are not of the caliber or the quality of the people we want our child hanging out with all day or even after school. Just a little background about Ioka before I bring her on. She is a licensed clinical social worker in clinical practice. She currently is a school social worker in Charleston County School District in Charleston, South Carolina. She received a Bachelor of Science degree from Clemson University and then went on to receive a master's in social work from the University of South Carolina. She is also a certified school social worker and a private practitioner who works virtually in her own practice, Ayoka Hanna Therapy. She is a mom of three. Her kids are 17 twins, and then she has a 14-year-old as well. She is married to her husband and college sweetheart, and they just celebrated 18 years of marriage in October. And on top of all of that, she is one of my very, very dear friends. So I want to welcome Ayoka Hanna. Hey. Hey, how are you? Good. How are you?

SPEAKER_02 3:33

Doing great. Excited to be here. Thank you for having me, Dr. Tiffany.

Toxic Friendship Vs Normal Conflict

SPEAKER_01 3:37

Thank you for joining me today. So I thought this was a really important topic to discuss because, like I said, I know my kid has had some friends that I have just thought, he's got to choose better. Or some friends that I kind of was uneasy about. And if you all listened to last week's episode, I shared a little story about how I kind of stepped over that controlling line when he was a little bit younger to just say, this is a wrap. We're not doing this friendship anymore. It's done. I actually talked to the kid's parent. But I know as kids get older, that's not really an option or really cool to do. So from your professional lens as a school social worker, how do you define a toxic friendship in adolescence? And how is that different from like normal peer conflict?

SPEAKER_02 4:32

And I think that this is going to be something that is important. Is toxic friendships and relationships are defined the same, whether you're an adolescent, a child, or an adult. It is any kind of friendship or relationship that is not bringing you some positive vibes. So negatively affect the student's emotional well-being. They have difficulty functioning in daily life because they're worried about the friendship and just what is happening to in the friendship. Ongoing unhealthy behaviors that create stress, low self-esteem is often the impact of a toxic relationship and friendship. And whenever there are power imbalances, that defines a toxic friendship as well. And so we just have to make sure that our children and our the children that we're working with at schools are not engaging in situations where they are being controlled by somebody else because friendships aren't supposed to be positive.

School Signs And Grade Changes

SPEAKER_01 5:29

Yeah, I think that's super important. And just like you you just mentioned, like how do they make you feel? That was one of the questions I shared last week for parents to ask their kids, how does your friend make you feel? Do you feel happy around them? Do you feel sad? Do you feel judged around them? And that gives you some real insight into whether or not this friendship is sliding into something toxic. So you mentioned some of the things that we can ask. What are some subtle signs that you see at school that a student may be stuck in an unhealthy friendship before parents even realize it?

SPEAKER_02 6:08

And like you said in the introduction and last week's talk, kids are spending a lot of their days in school every single day. Like my students at the middle school get there at 8:30. They don't leave until 3:30, 4 o'clock. And so by the time you get home, finish with activities, anything that you have to do, you eat dinner, you take a shower, and it's time to go to bed, like you might have seen your parents for just a few minutes, a couple of hours, if that, every single day. So the things that I see when I'm working with students at the school is their behavior may change. So if I go from a kid that is normally pretty laid back, pretty chill, pretty calm, pretty easygoing, and then all of a sudden they're like, hey, Miss Hannah, I want to see you. Can I talk to you about so-and-so or about certain things? Then you tend to know that something is going on because they will start to feel on edge, maybe anxious, maybe they're looking sad. If I'm having a small group with some people, if I notice that the students are small, doing small little things to each other that is what I would identify as toxic, then I will sometimes pull that student away. But you'll also see to them just by themselves, but you will also see things like the grades may change, and that's something that parents might not even notice because grades change or grades are updated every single week. But one of my practices that I've gotten into, especially with middle schoolers, is really thinking about what are your grades every time we have some time together, making sure that they're staying on top of that. And so if I notice that the grades are changing, I can say to a student, hey, what's going on? What's different? Why were your grades so great in first quarter and why are they so terrible in third quarter? So grades may change, their mood may change. Also, it just maybe they start to look disheveled when they normally don't look disheveled. They might begin to miss things when they've been more organized, they may become less organized, losing things. All of these are indications that they are experiencing some stress. And that's oftentimes what's happening when they're in in the middle of a toxic friendship.

Fear, Belonging, And Loyalty Bonds

SPEAKER_01 8:20

Yeah, I think those are very key things to look for. And like we talked about last week, the change doesn't happen like overnight. It's gradual. And so with my son in that friendship, I would take a peek at how he acted once they finished their interaction. If they were on FaceTime or we met up with them somewhere, afterwards, he would be very irritable, not his usual, like easygoing self. His responses were a little bit more snippy. And now, hindsight's 2020. But I think it was because that stress that he was under in that interaction with this friend that he even described the friendship as being toxic, that kind of bled over into just our everyday activities together once he was done with whatever that interaction was with the friend. And they wouldn't have even had an argument or a fight or anything. It from the outside looking in, it looked like a very healthy play situation. And it turned out it wasn't. So why do adolescents stay in these friendships that kind of drain them or hard or harm them? Because I'm built different. I've always been. I'll cut you off in a minute if I feel like this is not going well. That's just who I am as a person, and I've always been that way. My kid is very different. And somebody listening might have a kid who's very different. So why don't why do kids hold on to these relationships, these friendships? I'm like you too.

SPEAKER_02 9:46

I am a fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. And so I oftentimes once somebody has done something that I consider toxic, unhealthy, something that that messed with my self-esteem, then I'm like, okay, let me put up some walls or some berries, and I'm not gonna hang out with that person as much as I want to, or as they might want to. However, that's not every kid. And so, since that's not every kid, there are kids that I was talking about this to another adult that I was doing therapy with recently, and they were processing some past trauma. But what happens is there are the class systems in everybody's school environment. So you have the popular kids, you have the athletes, you have the kids that might be considered a goth or something like that. So it's just all these different classes of kids that are inside of any kind of school environment. And what oftentimes happens is kids are very, very socially aware of the different groups that are inside of every school building. And so they might decide to make the choice to stay in a toxic relationship because they don't want the backlash of if I decide not to be this person's friend, what are they gonna say about me to other people that I might know that is gonna make my year, my time here, however many years I have left, just a terrible place to be. And I think that kids at this time in life have a very different experience than we had when we were in high school because of social media, because of everything that that they have access to. These are great things. And I remember like kids, they don't know anything about the dial up AOL and waiting for the internet to pick up and chat rooms and things like that. Like everything is so it happens, post about it, and it it is everywhere in 2.5 seconds, you know. And so the conversations that I have on a regular basis are with kids knowing that the friendship is not healthy and knowing that it doesn't make them feel really good once they get out of that situation. However, they're afraid of the backlash, and so they might decide to stay in that situation and try to develop tougher skin. And it's sometimes just a very hard thing to break them from, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

And you know, last week we talked about how if you come from a chaotic home as a child, then you might be drawn to chaotic friendships because that feels familiar. Yeah, right. And that's that might have stepped on some people's toes, but the truth is the truth. So, what are some emotional needs that are usually underneath this attachment when they latch on to a friendship that isn't really healthy for them?

SPEAKER_02 12:25

You nailed it 100%. Definitely that familiarity of it all, but also some self-confidence concerns might be there as well for that particular person. Students who are looking for themselves in other people might be more inclined to stay in a relationship that others can look at and say that's a toxic relationship, more so than someone who is very well, very sure of themselves in their just who they are. And those are the kind of kids that we want to raise as kids that are very self-assured, who know, like I'm a good person, I'm a kind person, if I don't like the way that make me feel, I'm gonna talk to you about that because that is the way that I've been brought up to do things. And I'm gonna discuss those things. However, that's not everybody's situation. And some and we talk about all the time as educators and in the school building, kids are carrying more to school than just their backpack. It's so many things that go on behind closed doors that perhaps this relationship that is toxic is the only person that was there for them when their parents were going through a divorce, and that was the house that they went to spend time in to get away from the noise and the chaos that was their normal living situation. And so there's some pieces of that where they might feel like they owe that person safety or allegiance because they were there for them during a tough time in their life.

Role-Play, Boundaries, And Social Media

SPEAKER_01 13:49

I think that is so important, and that's why it is so important for parents to not only know their kids' friends, but also to ask their child about their friends so that they get to know a little bit about them. So then you can start to feel out some of those things that you just brought up, like feeling this need to be there for them because they know that their parents aren't there for them, feeling this need to support them in something because they know they don't have that support at home. And I can definitely see how that could cause an unhealthy attachment and kids they want this sense of connection and belonging. And what better way is it to feel like you're there for your friend? You're supporting them. Right. But when that's draining so much from you, what is the benefit of this friendship? Is it just one-sided where only the friend is benefiting, or are you, as the other person, benefiting from the friendship too? And like we mentioned, being being reflective as a parent to say, okay, what kind of dynamics are going on at home that might be creating my child to seek out these types of friendships or not being able to navigate friendships? I had an example just last week because all of this Tuesday talks comes from real life experiences. When my son came home and he's like, one of his friends, he doesn't think he's friends with him anymore. He thinks he's mad at him, and I'm asking questions, and he's like, Well, you know, he called my name out and hear him. And when I finally heard him, he said, Never mind, and he just walked away. And I said, Well, he's trying to bait you into coming after to seek out what he wanted to share. And my son's like, really? And I'm like, Yeah, so you have an option, you can either take the bait and go after and ask, Hey, what did you want? I didn't hear you, or you can just say, Hey, he walked off, so he'll let me know whatever it is when he's ready. But we role-played through a couple of those things. So, like you mentioned, having that language to be able to speak up for yourself in a friendship when a friend does something that's either not nice or starts demonstrating toxic behavior and a pattern that they have those words to say. And in your work with kids, do you sometimes work on that role play so that they have an opportunity to practice?

SPEAKER_02 16:06

Absolutely, absolutely. When I talked about like removing a kid, if I'm in a small group with a group of girls, it's usually a lot of times where I see it. Unfortunately, if I'm in a small group with girls and I notice that something was not so kind the way that it was delivered, or like they have this the way of jabbing each other, taking little shameless plugs at each other, that's not cool. And you can sometimes see the facial expression change for the students. And so when that happens, I'm like, let's pull this person one-on-one and make sure that check in with them. But definitely that role play of how could you feel after our group this morning? What are some things that you might want to say differently if this is to happen again? Is this the way that your friendship always is? Or does so-and-so normally talk to you this way? Because those are all things that they need to be aware of. Because if they don't feel good about it, they need to know that they it's okay for them to tell how you have to teach people how to treat you, and it's okay for you to teach other people how to treat you.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

I love that. I love that so much. Teach people how to treat you. That's something for us to share with our kids and for adults too, because there are some adults that keep that same behavior from childhood and inviting these toxic relationships in and friendships and not letting them go, and you carry that on into adulthood as well. So teach people how to treat you is so important. So I know you have three kids, set of twins, 17, then you have a 14-year-old. So, as a mom of three adolescents, have you ever had to navigate a friendship situation that concerned you with your kids?

SPEAKER_02 17:46

I definitely have. And like I said, more so, I have two boys and a girl. So the twins are boy-girl twins, and then the youngest child is a boy. So my daughter has had to go through different things with friendships. And what was really happening was she was a middle schooler about to go into high school, and unfortunately, a group of friends just turned against her for some reason unbeknownst to us. Like we didn't know what it was all about. Years later, it revealed itself to be that they were jealous of the things that she was doing. She started taking on some leadership roles and running for president of the high school, like freshman class, sophomore class, things along those lines. And they didn't like the fact that she was excelling at these things and doing these things. And so they started that social media campaign and mean text messages and things along those lines. And there were tears, and there were um being a parent and sitting and watching your child suffer because the people are not being kind, um, is very, very hard to do. But being supportive, knowing just being a good place to land, a soft place to land, but talking through how does that make you feel? What do we want to do about it? Let's confront this as much as we can. But also at the same time, I saw it more in my daughter, but she's also not a confrontational kid. And so she's the one that wants to just kind of just, I don't want to unfriend them or unfollow them or something like that, because they'll notice I unfollowed them, and then they'll react some other kind of negative way, or I won't know what they're saying, or something along those lines. So it's very, very difficult to see kids going through those types of things. Boys, for in my experience at the middle school and in my personal household, they're just if they have some kind of beef and fallout and are is, you know, people are saying unkind things, then they're like, whatever, he's dumb. And they keep doing whatever they're they're doing. So, and maybe they fight it out or you know, rough it out in a sense of do something that boys do, like push each other back and forth or whatever the case may be. However, they move on and they're just like, okay, come on, let's go get something to eat. Let's go play basketball, let's go play baseball, you know, whatever. Um, but girls like that emotional piece is so huge, and the circles that we move in are so huge for especially adolescent girls. So that's a hard thing to be a part of. But yeah, I've definitely seen it and been front row seat to it and wanted to strangle children, but also wanted to shake my kid to say, hey, stand up for yourself a little bit more. But I understand in the long run the way that she needed to handle it for her to feel good about herself. And she's learned so much from that situation where now she knows how to choose better friends because of the difficult time that she went through with the other friends.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

Wow, that is a great story. And as you're telling it, I'm thinking of how I would react. Well, first of all, I'm thinking the good lord that I have a boy and not a girl. That's all the girl moms out there. But I would be ready to like who is this friend? Let me get the number, let me call the mom, let me go ahead and just straighten this out because I feel like sometimes parents don't know how their kids are acting. And if they knew how their kids were acting negatively, then they might intervene. Sometimes not, maybe, but I would want to let the pair know because I would want to know if my kid was being unkind to somebody, I want somebody to tell me so I can get that taken care of really quick. Because that's not the kind of child I've raised, but to sit back and just watch her navigate that. All respect to you for letting that play out. And you mentioned social media too. Do you recommend to parents to have access to their kids' social media accounts so you can see what is being said back and forth? Or how do you navigate that? Because that adds a whole new layer.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

That's yeah, and that's so so hard because kids are smart, they can figure out how to get on something else. And I talk to kids at school all the time, and they say, Oh, that's my secret. Account. That's my dummy account. My, you know, and so kids have multiple social media accounts, unfortunately. But yes, as much as you can have parental controls over things, setting limits on things. Those are the things that I know I was able to do with my own personal kids is screen time limits. So you get 45 minutes or an hour on Instagram or Snapchat or whatever those things are. There are streaming, I'm sorry, there are um child protecting apps or whatever. But a lot of kids will go in here and they'll pay they'll lie about their ages and things like that so that they can get a Facebook account. But I, you know, that's the important part of communicating with your child. So even in the couple of hours that we have in the evening time, you know, talking about the great parts of your day and the not so great parts of your day, talking about some things that you've experienced and not just asking yes and no questions, but actually getting into a place where you're you're conversing with your children. And that's going to be so important. But yes, you have to monitor their social media as much as you can. And then I know prayer changes things. So praying for your children and just continuing to keep them in in God's presence, you know, just like, okay, keep these kids safe on a regular basis. Those are all important things that we can do as parents as well.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

Oh, I definitely love that. And you talking about social media, my kids are too young for all of that now, but you're making me want to like not give access to it at all, which I know is hard to do as he gets older, because that is I didn't know about the dummy accounts and secret accounts. You can't, your kids are making it so you can't even protect them where you want to. It's like their own enemy, but I digress.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

And then Tiffany, if you don't like going back to that, like some kids have the another sign of toxic relationships and friendships is somebody wanting to have access to all your passwords for all your accounts because they want to control something that you're putting up or be able to see who's messaging you and who's in your direct message box or whatever the case may be. And so that is also an indicator that the friendship is not safe because there should not be anybody that is demanding that they have access to your phone and your passwords and your accounts and things along those lines, because when they're adolescents and children, they are not, it's no relationship that's that serious, you know.

Ending The Friendship And Getting Help

SPEAKER_01 24:24

Yeah, okay. So that's something new for me too. I did not know that that was happening. So definitely, parents, if if your kids are starting to use social media, I think having that discussion about how important passwords are being kept secret is important. That's a personal thing that you don't disclose to anyone for any reason, like you, except for your parents, and use that as a warning, too. Like if a friend asks you for that, that might be something you want to think about as why they want access to it, because that is too much access. Oh my goodness. Okay, well, you're making me wish my kid could stay 10 forever, but that's not the case. So if you have a kid that is really ready to exit a toxic friendship, let's say they come to you and they're ready. They're like, This is too much. I can't deal with this anymore. I know you mentioned where your daughter was reflecting on her personality to let her kind of navigate that situation. In general, though, do you say like a gradual distancing is healthier than confrontation or just completely cutting the person off? What kind of approach do you typically recommend?

SPEAKER_02 25:35

And I will say it depends on the child. And so you have to have conversations with and the relationship with that particular child. And so if you have a relationship with the child and they say, I don't want to be confrontational, that's not my way, then you definitely want to respect that. And what you can do is encourage them through role plays, through how does this look if we decide to spend less time with that person? What are some excuses that you will use if you do not, if you start to decide to answer the phone less, or if it takes you longer to reply to the text message? Those kinds of things are very important and to help our adolescents and our children be more just be ready for whatever the confrontation, whatever the exit looks like to the confrontational situation. So, yes, that gradual approach is great. But then some kids are like, I'm ready for it, you know, like I'm sick of this and it's been going on for too long, and I've noticed it, and I'm not gonna let so-and-so continue to keep talking to me like this. And in that place where they're like, Okay, I'm ready for the confrontation, then I will help them, I will help guide them through role play and through, do you want to say in that way? questions, just to try to help them use the word and the verbiage that will the words in the verbiage that will help it be less emotionally charged. Because we don't want to necessarily put any child in a situation where they're now fighting because their friendship is over. That's never anybody's goal, is for them to fight it out or anything along those lines. Like that's not okay. But it is okay for you to confront with care and to say, I felt statements and I feel statements are all good ways to to let a person speak their truth, but speak it from a place that is still respectful and mutual, mutual, has some mutual respect for the person that they're confronting and we're moving away from.

SPEAKER_01 27:28

I think those are all so important. And this, I'll take a second to just plug school social workers because you all are bringing a set of skills, especially to middle school, which I've mentioned many, many times on here. That's not my cup of tea. But you know, bringing that skill set to middle school, we know that kids have this internal neurological drive to connect. We know that friendships mean a lot to them. And so if they're coming to school already carrying stuff that happened at home and the weight of a friendship that might be, you know, off the rails or ready to confront someone about something that's been going on in their friendship, and they're entering your the classroom as the teacher, you cannot expect for them to retain or be ready to learn anything. Their mind is all over the place, they are here in anything. It's so important, I think, for schools to have social workers and not just one, but many social workers, because I'm sure there are a lot of kids that you would like to have the experience of talking to or being able to connect with that you just simply don't have the time to choose. If you are a parent listening to this and your school does not have a social worker, or maybe they just have one and you're at a high school, like that is something that needs to be addressed completely because kids are not accessible, their minds are somewhere else, and so then that's when you end up with the fights in the hallways, and that's when you end up with the girls crying or just being emotional all day because they don't have the words or aren't able to a toxic friendship. So definitely just want to take a moment to plug that for sure. I love that you do the role play. Giving our kids the language and practicing it with practicing that with them is really helpful so that they can set those boundaries. So, what is something that parents should absolutely avoid doing when they don't like their child's friends? Like I called up my kid's friend and was like, um, his mama was like, hey, this ain't working. So we're gonna be done with this friendship, and I'm gonna block your child on Roblox, on this, on that. And I just wanted to be real up front with you that this is where we're at. That this is happening, right? This is real. So maybe that wasn't the right thing to do, but in the moment I felt like it was. So, what's something you would say, parents? Absolutely avoid doing this when you don't like your child.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

This is a hard one because I even in your situation, I don't know that that was necessarily the wrong thing to do because our job as parents is to protect our children at all costs. Like we only get one chance to protect the children that we have, and so we just have to do it. Is you can't, there are no do-overs or anything along those lines. I too sent the text during the time when my daughter was having a uh a hard time with that group of friends because the mom and I had done so much all through middle school and all through elementary middle school, actually, of picking up the kids from band practice, or you know, I'm not there yet. Can you get right um my child and take her to wherever she needs to go or you know, whatever the case, can you bring her home? I'll bring your kid home. Like just training off a lot of the responsibilities where we had become friendly and we knew each other pretty well. So when I found out that one of the children was the kid that she considered her best friend that was doing all the things, I sent the text and I said something like, the girls are having a hard time. Hopefully, they can work it out, or something just very blanket. And she and I she texted back, and it sounded like she knew what was going on, and she didn't think her kid was wrong in the situation. And so at that moment in time, I was just like, Okay, well, I went into parent mode, and I definitely looked out for my child's mental health and well-being, and making sure that she was good and being a part of that because I didn't think I would get any help from the parent there. So that's why I don't think your situation was bad because it sounded like before you had talked to the parent a couple of times and made some suggestions, and then nothing went, nothing came of it. So you said, in this moment in time, I need to protect my kid. And so that's what you did. So when I knew that I wasn't gonna get any help from that mom, then I just started to really empower my child to keep talking about her feelings to me. And then I encouraged her to find some different friends that were displaying more of the qualities that she really wanted to have in friends because we did talk about that as well. But what parents should not do, I mean, of course, we never want to get physical, we never want to want to curse children out or do anything that's inappropriate to children because you have to remember that these are still children, but you can you're you got to work within your circle of influence and so work with your own child, continue to teach the kindness that I'm sure that we're teaching to our children. So just because someone goes low doesn't mean you have to go lower, you can continue to say high. Like, how can we maneuver our situation during the day to make sure that we're not in involved in situations that we don't want to be involved in? What can we do differently just to help you still feel confident, but so that you're not ruffling the feathers if you're having a child that's not confrontational? And so if you ever start going back and forth with a child, you've already lost. And so you never want to do that either. If I would have gotten some kind of retribution from that parent that said, yes, let's have a conversation or let's talk about it, or something along those lines when I sent that initial, hey, something's going on with the girls, what are your thoughts? kind of text. And she didn't she gave me something back, then I would have definitely wanted to let's get together, let's go have ice cream, let's talk about what's going on because they're good friends, you know. Um, however, uh there is nothing that parents should not do to protect their children within reason. So I applaud any parent that is a champion for their child, standing up and being a champion for your child.

SPEAKER_01 33:28

I like that so much. Be a champion for your child, and we're not engaging with young people in an escalated manner. I think that's really correct. We've seen how that goes left, we've seen it on social media. You don't want to be that person because, like you said, if you find yourself going back and forth with the child, you already lost because you're the adult in the situation. So thank you for not making me feel horrible about calling that parent and saying this is a no-go for me. I think that, like you mentioned, you were friendly with your daughter's friend's parent. So y'all had a connection. That's why I think it's so important for parents to know more than just your friends' kids' names. You need to know parent, at least in some capacity that y'all have each other's numbers for some emergency that might come up for a situation like this, where maybe you all need to talk it out to see how get feels on how each is approaching a situation as well. Because ideally, we want our kids to have a um a nice sized circle of friends. We don't want everybody in the school to be considered a friend because then you need to redefine friendship. But we want them to have a nice, close-knit circle. And so then I think that that's totally manageable for a parent to have connections with your kid's parents as well. So, when should parents involve the school? Like, when should they go from allowing their kid to handle it independently to now getting the school involved too?

SPEAKER_02 34:54

I think the answer to that one is really if you start seeing those grades decline or you see the hesitation to go to school and be around those people, those are things that your school counselor, school social worker, somebody in the school building should know. Something is going on in this friendship. Maybe y'all didn't notice, maybe y'all have. However, my child is now has a low CR failing math. And that's their that's not their way. This is happening to them and it's impacting them in a way that I can no longer handle all by myself. So, can we become a school team? Can we all help support and wrap around this particular student so that we can all make sure that they're doing and they're getting the best out of the education system that we have? And so I think that schools should be involved when we start seeing issues at school. And that could also be behavior issues. Maybe you have a child who used to not act up, but now they're getting referrals and they're having ISS and out of school suspension. All of those things are indicative of something that's going on. Let's figure out what's going on with this particular student so that we can get to the bottom of it and help them make some positive changes. Because if the people that are toxic in those toxic friendships are in every single class period that the student has, or if they're in an elementary school setting and they're in the same classroom all day long, then we might want to talk about not necessarily moving the other child, but you can volunteer. Like, hey, I volunteer to allow my child to be put into a different classroom because I I feel that strongly about this situation.

Closing Takeaways And Share Request

SPEAKER_01 36:33

Yeah, making sure you're advocating that we just definitely yeah, making sure you're advocating for your kids. So allowing them to navigate a toxic friendship on their own so you can see how your kid is responding to that type of energy and interaction, stepping in and giving some scripts, some role playing to help them navigate it if they feel like they're kind of stuck, and then also moving towards, like you said, teaching your kid to teach their friends how to treat them. Tell friends how I want you to treat me is this way. And if they're not willing to do that, then perhaps that's not the right friendship. And I think over time most kids will start to gravitate away, especially if they can find another connection with another friend, because most kids want that connection, that friendship. So as we wrap up, I want you to finish this sentence that a parent can say to their kid who might have a toxic friend. Real friendships feel like blank. Can you finish that sentence?

SPEAKER_02 37:38

Real friendships feel like happiness, support and encouragement.

SPEAKER_01 37:49

Love that happiness, support, and encouragement. Take those words, parents, if your child is in a toxic friendship, even if they're not, just front-loading that information that your friendship should make you feel happy, supported, and encouraged. And they'll take that information with them throughout the rest of their life if you're continuing to enforce it when they're young. Thank you so much for joining me, Ioka. Thank you so much for having me. Yes, my pleasure. I think this is a really important topic. I know I found myself in this situation when my kid was younger, and I'm sure, you know, as much as I would like to avoid it, I'm sure that there will be instances that come up as he gets into middle school and even high school as well. So thank you again for joining me for this episode. And I am going to ask everybody listening if you will share this episode with a friend. This is a super important topic. If you're a teacher and you see some toxic friendships going on in the classroom, share this out with a parent. Have conversations with them. If you're a parent and you know that maybe your kid hasn't been the friendliest to others, start some dialogue with them so that you can open up the lanes of communication because it really is about teaching our kids to advocate for themselves and also letting them navigate situations independently as well. Striking that balance is what is really important. Thank you so much for joining me for another Tuesday Talks, and I'll see you next week. Bye. Be sure to share this episode and join me next week for brand new Tuesday Talks.

SPEAKER_00 39:28

See ya.