When It Doesn’t Work: The Foster Care Conversation We Avoid

There’s a conversation we don’t have enough in foster care and adoption because it’s loaded with fear, judgment, and that quiet ache of “What will people think?” Today on The Courage Coalition, Trisha Collins (Director of Missional Impact at Child Bridge Montana) and James Newell (adoptive dad, husband, builder, and a man willing to speak honestly about the hard) helped open the door on the topic: what happens when it doesn’t work. Because our culture loves a tidy ending. “They’re adopted now, so it’s all good.” “You’ve had them since they were tiny, so of course it’s a perfect fit.” But real life doesn’t follow a script and children aren’t a fairytale plotline. Sometimes the most loving decision isn’t forcing a forever that doesn’t fit. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is admit, this isn’t in this child’s best interest, even when your heart is breaking and your worth is trying to tie itself to the outcome.

I shared a piece of my own story when we had a medically fragile little one from infancy, and adoption came onto the table. From the outside, it looked like it should have been automatic. But inside our home, the reality was complicated. Her sensory needs were so intense that the outdoors wind, smells, the very life our family lived made her physically sick. And because only my mom and I could care for her, it became clear: keeping her would have been about my grip, not her healing. The shame was real. The feeling of failure was loud. But then the gift came later the part you don’t see in the moment. We helped with the search for her forever family. We met them. And now, years later, I’ve watched her thrive exactly where she belongs loved, understood, and supported in a life that fits her nervous system and her joy. Trisha said something that hit me right in the chest: foster care isn’t always a marathon; sometimes it’s a relay race. Batons get passed. That doesn’t mean someone failed. It means the child is still moving toward what’s right.

And maybe that’s the reframe we all need: success isn’t “I did it all.” Success is love with wisdom. Love that stays honest. Love that gets curious instead of condemning. James brought a powerful perspective from the male side how shame shows up when you feel responsible to protect your home, your kids, your marriage, and you’re still wondering, What’s wrong with me? Trisha offered a line I won’t forget: if the car is in the ditch, we don’t have to obsess over how it got there we have to focus on getting it out. So if you’re in the thick of it right now fostering, adopting, supporting reunification, or grieving a placement that didn’t work here’s what I want you to hear: perfect love casts out fear… and love does. It shows up. It tells the truth. It apologizes when it misses. It stays open-handed. And it refuses to measure worth by whether the story turned out the way you thought it “should."

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Until next time, keep shining bright!

- Corree