Healing the Hidden Place: Releasing Shame and Receiving Grace with Jessica DeYoung

Shame wants to keep you silent. But God wants to use your story.

 In this episode, Jan sits down with Jessica Deyoung, founder of the Made Whole Movement, to talk about one of the hardest topics we carry — shame. Jessica opens up about her own journey: cancer at age five, growing up in a difficult home, walking away from God in college, and the abortion and shame that followed. She shares the transformative moment when she heard the Lord say, “Daughter, you’re forgiven” — and how that changed the trajectory of her life and ministry.

 You’ll also hear the incredible story of how obedience at a business dinner eventually saved a baby’s life — a baby born on Jessica’s own birthday.

 This is a conversation about healing, redemption, and walking in the freedom Christ offers when we stop carrying what He already took to the cross.

Jessica's website

The Way to My Heart (Jan's book mentioned in this episode)

Abortion Support

Hebrews 12:2 — “Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame.” Jesus himself bore shame on our behalf — introduced by Jan at the top of the episode.

Psalm 103:12 — “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” The foundation of Jessica’s moment of breakthrough — God’s forgiveness is complete and total.

Romans 8:1 — “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Referenced when discussing freedom from the enemy’s accusations.

James 1:2–4 — “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds.” Jan and Jessica discuss how suffering draws us into deeper relationship with Christ.

Philippians 4:7 — “The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Jessica describes receiving this peace for the first time — not just knowing it intellectually but living it.

00:00  Welcome & Introduction to Shame

01:22  Meet Jessica — Full-Time Traveler, Homeschool Mom of Four

04:38  Jessica’s Testimony — Cancer, Divorce, and Walking Away from God

08:04  The Shame of Abortion and the Moment God Said “You’re Forgiven”

10:51  Obedience at a Business Dinner — Sharing the Unshared

13:06  A Life Saved — The Baby Born on Jessica’s Birthday

15:36  After-Abortion Healing Groups & Women Holding Secrets for 40 Years

17:55  Jan’s Book and the Abortion Survivor Story

21:10  Religion vs. Relationship — Checklists vs. Walking with God

24:10  Called into Ministry — From the Birth World to Full-Time Speaking

26:58  Count It All Joy — Suffering, Refinement & Drawing Close

28:52  The Made Whole Movement — Helping Women Tell Their Story Well

31:35  Closing Message from Jessica & Farewell

https://uppbeat.io/t/aylex/lost-in-time

License code: ZQZGIRGJS5AWK6QG

https://uppbeat.io/t/oliver-massa/starting-over

License code: X8CVNDIL4LBFRNMX

Welcome to Just Talkin' About Jesus.

I'm Jan Johnson, a seasoned believer who loves relationships and, you know, just talkin' about Jesus.

Here you will find testimonies of those who God has changed through his grace.

Stories of feeling unworthy because of being sex trafficked, or of radical redemption of a woman who grew up with abuse, neglect, abandonment and drugs. A story of an abortion survivor. This and more. Lean in now.

Consider subscribing to this podcast, YouTube and Substack- all with the same name: Just Talkin' About Jesus!

https://www.youtube.com/@JustTalkinAboutJesus

https://jan-johnson.com/

https://justtalkingaboutjesus.com/

https://janjohnsonauthor.substack.com/

https://www.youtube.com/@JustTalkinAboutJesus

Thanks for listening!

If you have a story to tell, check out the form on my website- justtalkingaboutjesus.com.

I'd love to connect with you!

No, really.... hit me up!

Transcript

Jan: Jessica is the originator of Made Whole movement and has a podcast also called Perspectives into Practice.

Jessica, today we're talking about shame

but like many brutal things, talking about something hard is good. Partly for the teller, and even so for the listener to hear from somebody else's perspective. That could be a road to bring healing.

Because that's what Jesus does, right?

Jessica: Yes. Yes, he does. 

Jan: Here we are just the day after Easter.

The scripture I read today just popped in my email was Hebrews 12: 2, Because of the joy awaiting him. He endured the cross disregarding its shame.

Jan: So ,tell us about yourself.

Jessica: I am a mom of four kids. I have a wonderful husband. We were almost 20 years married.

We travel full time. We've done that for about four and a half years now.

And we, we live in a 40-foot motor coach and just travel the country, and we get to be the hands and feet of Jesus wherever we go.

And it's just been such an amazing joy and treasure to have these memories and to experience life completely differently than when we were back in a bricks and sticks in a house.

It's been so, so great. And I love that the Lord's given us this opportunity to be able 

to walk through this with the kids. 

We've homeschooled for going on 11 years now. And so that just made sense, being on the road.

But right now, this is such a great sweet spot that we're in. 

Jan: Share some of your testimony with us.

Jessica: I grew up in church. We were in church anytime the doors were open.

I became a Christian at an early age. I went through cancer at the age of five.

And I knew that I believed in the Lord, and I knew that was what I needed to do. So, in my mind,

I knew that was the right choice. And as I went through teenage years,

I learned that I felt like my relationship with the Lord was more contextual. It was more in the knowledge of him and not the relationship of Him.

And it wasn't until after college that I really began to have that relational relationship with Him. And it wasn't just knowledge and intellectual, but it really was this love of Him that I began to have.

My parents divorced early.

I was 13.

I had to grow up really fast there. I kind of took care of my sister,

took care of my mom going through these things. I was the strong one in the family.

I was the one that didn't make mistakes. And, you know, people just put me on this higher pedestal.

And I didn't ask for it. But that's just where it was. And so, I felt like I still had to live up,

even though it was something that I know you can never really truly live up to. 

My parents were divorced. They both got remarried, and one of my mom's husbands was an abusive man. 

We had this sweet honeymoon period as a family, but then his true colors came out, and it was not great. And I just remember praying and calling out to the Lord so many times, asking for him to.

save us. Take this guy away from us. And then when I didn't feel like there was any answer from Him, I just said, “You know what?

I'm done. I'm done talking to You. I'm done reading your word. I'm done knowing about you. Because you obviously don't want to change things in my life. So I'm just gonna walk away.”

And that's when I went to college and I walked away from the Lord. I walked away from that abusive family situation and just tried to do it on my own because I thought I could.

I was the strong one. I did it for everyone else. So, I figured, well, I don't need God in this. I can do it my own.

My own way. 

And that was the longest, shortest six months of my life. I did not finish the college time. 

I came out pregnant with an abortion and too many terrible stories to even talk about.

But because I walked away and I thought I could do it myself,

I made poor choices. I made a lot of poor choices. Not to say that you don't make poor choices even when you are with the Lord, but because I thought that I could do it myself.

Jan: How did that work out for you?

Jessica: It did not.

It definitely did not. Which I'm so thankful that he only gave me six months at that college because I would not have survived more because I just was not in a good frame of mind.

But the shame that I carried from that abortion,

it was overwhelming. And I met my husband shortly after that, and he was one of the first people that I ever told. I just remember as I was healing from it, that I kept calling out to the Lord, asking him to forgive me, forgive me for what I had done.

Forgive me for killing one of his children. Just all of these things,

shame just heaped upon me.

And I remember laying on my bed and one time He says, I feel like so audible, he says, 

“Daughter, I don't know what you're talking about. You're forgiven.”

Because if we're in Christ, we know that Christ separates, takes our shame, our forgiveness as far as the East is from the West.  He's not bringing up our past, all these sins that I am begging him to forgive.

And it was in that moment when I felt that he told me that I realized that I can't do life. I don't want to do life without him. And that even in my shame, even in the disgust, even in everything that I had done and everything negative that I had told him,

he still loved me enough to forgive me and to be right there with me and to give me this peace that passes all understanding that I didn't even truly understand.

I'd read about it. I knew what the Bible said about it,

but I didn't have that relationship with them where I could live this out in a daily way. 

I began my relationship with him there. And,

you know, shame. Shame is something that a lot of us carry,

but we don't say it out loud. It's kind of like this scarlet letter that we wear.

Jan: But we don't want to expose it.

Jessica: Exactly.

So you don't want to talk about it, because if you talk about it, then that will expose it and then more people will know, and then they will all judge you for it.

And the actuality of that is that is not true. And the enemy wants to keep us there. The enemy is the one that was continuing to bring up this shame, to bring up this fear of what if somebody finds out? When I trusted his forgiveness, because I know that we can't save ourselves.

Christ saves us.

I believe that we can't forgive ourselves, that we have to trust that the Lord has forgiven us and then accept that onto ourselves. Right? That is what I had to do, and that is what I walked in.

And so then I realized that when the Lord asked me to share my story.

I did it whenever he wanted me to,

however he wanted me to in any awkward situation.

And one of my favorite stories, and there's been so many, but I shared my story in a business meeting with my husband and his clients, that they had known each other for a while.

So we were just talking at this very nice restaurant,

and I just felt like these Holy Spirit chills.

My stomach was turning, my hands were sweaty.

They were talking me. I was there, but not there. It was a whole thing because I was having this conversation with the Lord.

Lord, this is a business meeting.

Lord, this is a really nice restaurant.

his is not the place.

his is a business meeting. This is not the place. Right? And so I'm like, Lord, okay, all right, fine. The only way this is going to get off is if I either I am obedient or he takes it away.

And so I'm like, Well, you're going to have to open up the conversation, because I'm not just spurting this out in between Excel spreadsheets. Like,

you're gonna have to open it up for me.

And he did. They started talking about their past and they had gone through addiction and how the Lord had redeemed them from these things and just brought them through.

And I was like, Wow, that is so beautiful.

And then I start sharing about my abortion, and it was just such a beautiful, beautiful moment that we had. And they were like, Wow, God is so good. And it just wrapped up so beautifully.

And I was like,

Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord, that you opened that door and then just took away all of the stress that I had. I was just compounding on myself. I was so nervous.

But when I shared it wasn’t taken with shame. It wasn't  Oh, gosh, How dare you. It was taken so perfectly and gently. 

And so about a year later,

this woman messages me. And I thought that when I did that thing, that was it was okay. I shared it done. I don't have to do it again.

And a year later, she calls me back and she says, Hey, my daughter just found out that she's pregnant and she's thinking about having an abortion. Can we come over and talk?

Absolutely. Yes, you can. When can you be here? And so, I had just had my third baby at this point, so we have this new baby that she gets to see and hold,

but I talked about every single little detail from when you walk in the door to when you walk out of the door. I wanted her to know everything,

including,what recovery would look like because I didn't want her to leave my site, without the truth and the big T truth of God,

and not have any question as to, Well, if only I had known.

She knew it all.

And the next day the mom called me back and told me that she decided to keep her baby, which is so amazing. And I'm so thankful that that is what happened.

But because my God loves me so much, he did even more and he had that baby, it was like five days late. He was born on my birthday.

So, every single year I get to celebrate the birthday, the life,

the birth and life of this baby that may not have been here had I not shared my story a year ago in a really awkward business meeting.

And so that shame that the enemy tried to keep me in so that I didn't put Christ's light into the dark situations when I wouldn't have shared this story. Had I been continuing to hold this shame,

this baby might not have been here. And so, when we think about when God asks us to share our story,

it quite literally could be a life or death situation.

We don't know why he's asking us to do these things.

That doesn't matter.

We are not required to know what the outcome will be or what the next step will be.

We are just required to take the next step that he's asked us to do and be obedient in that.

And he releases that shame. He forgives us, he redeems us and helps us to walk in freedom when we ask him and allow him and actually go through that. And so ,there's so many more stories that I could share, but I feel like that's a really big one that holds a lot of shame for a lot of people.

And a lot of people don't talk about it. 

I've led Bible study groups for healing the pain, the after abortion, the secret of abortion. And I've had women in there in their 60s and 70s that have been hiding and holding this secret for 40 plus years.

And some of them even have had multiple. Because in some circles, that is just used as birth control. It's just easy. It's what everyone does. 

They don't talk about the emotional and spiritual effects and the toll that it takes on your body and the shame that is just heaped on layer by layer.

God doesn't want us to stay there. He doesn't at all. And so, no matter what, whatever your story is, whether it is this big thing, whatever that shame is that you feel is holding you down, because he is powerful and he doesn't want us to carry it.

Jan: I worked a couple of days a week at our local pregnancy clinic. That's where the first time I had heard about after abortion counseling and all of that, which I think people don't know it’s available like that.

I mean, because there's stuff so deep in there and it's so hard to even talk about. 

I'm an author, and so one of the books that I wrote was based on a local girl that I knew actually, when she was born. I knew her parents,

but she was adopted. 

As I based a story on her story, we spent a lot of time just talking about it. But she has kids now, is married, and she's in her 40s, and she's looking at her kids and just thinking, “Oh, I wish I could find my mom and tell her thank you for having me.”

 And so she asked her parents what they thought about her contacting them because she wanted to have their permission to do that.

And they kind of looked at each other and they went, “Okay, we need to talk about this.”

Well, it turns out she's an abortion survivor.

And so Amy ended up with cerebral palsy and a hearing disability.

So, my character is born without a hand. But when she finds out everything, it's because that was part of the procedure that she lost it.

Just the whole emotions and trying to find her bio mom. And how do you find her? And you know, what if when I find her, she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me? Or, she denies she’s her mom.

Jessica: Oh, wow. 

Jan: And I think just because there's just not that many people that know that there are abortion survivors, you know.

Jessica: Yeah.

Jan: So anyway, Amy is part of Right to Life and telling her story.

Jessica: Yeah, I love that too. I love that.

Jan: 

I think another thing is you go back to thinking about even the fear of telling your story. It's like if you just stopped and just said, 

“I had an abortion.  And it was awful.” And that was it. 

You left it like that without God's redemption in there,

that changes the whole thing. I mean, if you are sharing who God is and was there with you and that he took all those things on the cross with him and, and there's hope to be forgiven and all that, then it's like, no, you can't be judgmental.

You can't judge. You can't judge that.

Jessica: No, you know, I mean, if you're secure in who you are in Christ and you know the truth, big T truth,

there's no condemnation for those of us that are in Christ. And so we just have to remember that and stand on that and tell the enemy, “Hey,

I serve a big God and you are nothing and you can go now.”

Jan: Exactly, exactly. You know you are free from all of that. 

You know, God turns everything for good.

Jessica: Everything.

Jan: Everything.

Jessica: Yeah, absolutely. And because I came from—

“I don't want to talk to you because you aren't answering my prayers the way that I want you to answer them to—

Now I've gone through this BIG thing and I know that I need you.

And now we're walking with him in an actual relationship.  A true give and take relationship, not just an intellectual one.

He began revealing all of the places that

e had protected me from all the grace that was in the areas that I thought there was nothing from.

He began to reveal that to me.

Number one, because I started asking, but number two, because I allowed him to do that for me. Because when we have a relationship, it could be just one-sided where you just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and you don't just sit and listen.

And I began to do that.

Like I said, I knew the truth. I knew the things that I needed to be doing, but I wasn't walking that out. I was just doing the checklists, religion instead of the relationship aspect that he wants from us.

I was so thankful,

that I knew to ask questions because we can ask our God questions and he wants to answer them.

But then I also sat and allowed him to answer and listened. I listened for the answer to see where he was in all of those places that I thought he wasn't there.

And it was just, it's just been a beautiful thing. And I've taken all of that information into my whole life and into a lot of the things that I create and the resources that I make and the books and everything that I do comes from what he's taught me.

I never want anyone to ever think, “Oh well, she's up here speaking, she's, got this.”

 What?

Absolutely not. We are here together and we are walking this together. And I'm just sharing what God has shared with me in hopes that it will change another life. And that's why I do what I do.

If changes one person's life, it will have been worth it. 

And so I just continue to live with that aspect because I don't want women walking in shame and regret and fear and all of these things that the enemy wants us to stay stuck in.

I don't want that for them. I want them 

to feel the peace of God. 

I want them to feel that redemption, that freedom that he gives us when we ask for that forgiveness and then walk in that and just obey him with that next step.

Jan: And you know, while you felt like he wasn't answering your prayers,

he was allowing you to do what you needed to do for him to give you the desire of your heart.

Jessica: Yeah.

Jan: Because the desire of your heart was to have relationship.

Jessica: Yeah.

And he gave me that like so many times over. And I'm just so thankful for that. And now I get to help women through that. And I knew that I had a huge burden for women on my heart, but I didn't realize it until he called me officially into ministry.

I was working in the birth world and so that was my ministry, I was able to literally lay hands on them and pray for them and bring them through this super amazing, precious part of their life, bringing life into the world.

And I was good at it. And then the Lord calls me into full time ministry as an author and speaker and I was like,

sorry, Lord,

I thought that was my ministry.

And he's like, yes,

And so, it's been an amazing journey. Me and Jesus are going through step by step and continuing to go through and continuing to learn. And I'm just so thankful for it. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Jan: And, and you don't know what's going to be five years down the road because who knows what God drop, He's gonna say, “Okay,

now you got this other thing I want you to do?”

“Oh yeah, okay.”

Jessica: Yes. You know, and sometimes, even, in the things that he brings me to,

I'm crying out to him going, “Lord, I don't want to be the strong one anymore. I don't want to go through these things. I don't want to be the one that goes through it so I can share and help someone else.”

But he just continually humbles me and brings me back and he's like, “Honey, it's not about you.”

Jan: Well, Jesus got through some things he didn't want to go through either.

Jessica: But he knows that I will share what I've gone through and continue to ask him, what am I learning through this?

What can I take out of this? What do your children need to know about this situation?

But also it brings that,

closeness to me and the women that I serve. Because now I don't have just sympathy, I have empathy because I can understand exactly what they're going through. And while I don't want to have to go through these things, I'm thankful that the Lord trusts me in them and knows that I will take care of it in a way that he wants that's best for his kids.

Jan: Well, and every hard thing you go through is, it's really, Count it all joy. Because when you go through these various trials. I am understanding the depth of his riches because you go through those because you're drawing close to him, because you're asking. When you're searching for him, you find

him right by your side 24/7 because of going through that. So bring it on.

Yeah, bring it on.

Jessica: Yeah.

He's preparing us. 

If we take what we've learned in this situation and bring it into the next one and go, “Oh, this what we learned here,

now I can bring it into here. It increases and adds up. 

Even the sufferings that we go through, because he's making us so much better. He's refining us. And thank you, Jesus.

Jan: Yeah, I mean, how do you imagine life without him? 

Jessica: I mean, I can imagine life without him because I definitely said no for a while, but that is not a life that I want to continue to have. Because it was lonely over there.

It was dark. And while it was fun for a season because I felt so free,

It wasn't. And so, though those momentary funness in living in sin is not worth the eternity of what could be. 

Jan: Tell us about your Made Whole Movement.

Jessica: Made Whole Movement. It started many, many years ago. It's one of those things that as the Lord continues to bring me through things, it makes this movement so much thicker and more beautiful.

This is helping women through their story,

understand what their story is and why it's important what the Bible says about our story,

why we should share our story. 

It's a lot of things, but it’s bringing it to women, it's bringing it made whole to men,

bringing it for families and for singles. These are parts that we are still building. It's not built out yet, That's where it's. 

It's so incredible what God is doing in through this. The website, 

the podcast has come through a lot of these things. And I just want to give a voice to all of the women, regardless of platform, regardless of author status or ministry status or wherever you are

in the church,

if you are alive and you are breathing, you have a story and I want you to have a place to tell it and then understand why you're sharing it and not just vomiting a bunch of information,

but bringing it down to applicable things. So when someone says, “Hey, tell me about yourself, you know how to refine it.

That  might feel helpful for you in the moment because you've gotten it off of your chest. But what about the other person? What are they going to take away from that except the heaviness of what you've just given them?

And so, we're able to bring these women through this process. 

I'm working on in-person retreats and get togethers, and a Bible study. There's so much coming down the pipeline.

So come follow us.

Jan: So what would you like to leave our audience with?

Jessica: Christ loves you with an everlasting love. So, whether you are far from him or close to him,

continue to press into him, come back to Him.  He hasn't gone anywhere. It's us that seem to stray like little sheep and he wants the best for you and he knows what's best for you.

So, trust him in all things, even if it seems strange or uncomfortable,

because he knows.

He knows the outcome. So trust him.