How Fear & Regret Made Me a Better Father — Nate Feathers’ Story

This is a powerful and vulnerable conversation, Nate Feathers opens up about his personal journey of transforming fear and regret into purpose through conscious fatherhood. Speaking with Alex, Nate reflects on how fear-based decisions, shame, and the influence of an oppressive church shaped his early experiences as a father — and the painful realization that he needed to rewrite that narrative.

Together, they explore what it means to parent with intention, presence, and self-discipline. Nate shares the deep regrets that motivated him to change and how he now coaches other men to confront their past, reclaim their identity, and foster emotionally safe, trusting relationships with their children. This episode is a heartfelt call to fathers everywhere to be active, vulnerable, and committed to raising children in freedom and authenticity. 

This episode was recorded in Beginning of 2024.

Transcript

Nate Feathers (00:02.702)
Three, two, one. Welcome back to A Man's Journey podcast. Today I have on Nate Feathers. Some of you know him as dads don't babysit. I had the pleasure of working with Nate on a project, a fatherhood project a few months back and his story, it just, it pulled me in. Well, first of all, Nate's a father of six. Just, I'm a father of five and I love meeting men that have many kids. We're repopulating the world.

That's right. He lives in Tennessee. I'm from Tennessee. Like there's so many, so much in common. I'm just throwing some demographic there. So could be totally wrong. but, but I just love everything that makes it about, because he is on a journey. He's on a goal of rewriting the narrative around fatherhood and what that means and, and how we can show up in many different ways. And so we're going to dive into Nate's story today. We're going to dive into before dads don't babysit and why he does what he does. And,

and him understanding that pain, him understanding those challenging times that he experienced and using that as his power and stepping into his purpose and clarity and helping men be better fathers. So Nate, first of all, thank you for coming on today and how are you doing, brother? Yeah, man, glad to be here. Doing good, man. You're looking good. Great. hey, thanks, man. I just say good morning and I got your beard. I see your beard and I'm just like, man, I love that beard.

that's funny. I keep growing it out that my wife's like too long. You gotta trim it back and then I'll trim it back. The wives, they're like, hey, that's too long. You know that you gotta shave it. So yeah, right. I love it. Nate, talk to me, man. Like we were just talking about this. Dads don't babysit. I love everything behind it. I love the stories. You know, every time I watch your reels, there's tearjerkers. There's so much.

There's proverbs behind it, wisdom, everything that you're creating. But I want to know about before Dad's Don't Baby Sit, I want to know where this journey started for you. Can you dive into what we talked about before? Yeah, man. I think a lot. I mean, you say it and I agree with it. It's kind of like, for a lot of us, our purpose comes from our pain. And I would say that way before Dad's Don't Baby Sit it feels like...

Nate Feathers (02:22.382)
I think Instagram might have been around, but it wasn't what it is today. I was in, I mean, this is way back even before Facebook, because I'm that old, really. But I grew up in like this church environment. My dad was a pastor. This concept I had of God basically made me afraid of everything. I was afraid of hell, so I wanted to, you know, I ran to Jesus because I was afraid of fire, you know, for eternal, eternal fire. And.

And then it was, I felt, I feel like if I look back on it, I made a lot of decisions based on fear. So I was married before the marriage I'm in now with Megan and had two kids in that marriage. But if you go further back, I really would say that, you know, the biggest thing, and I actually, I'm working on a book where I share this, but the biggest thing I think,

in the minds of people, at least me growing up was like, you could kill somebody and get forgiveness for it. And you could, you know, lie, cheat, steal and all of those things. But if you had sex outside of marriage, it was the worst thing you could possibly do. And so, so I take all that. I did that like right before I went to college. And then I went to a Christian school. And then I had all this shame and guilt from that. And.

I meet this girl and we start dating and then we have sex again outside of marriage and I'm like, my gosh, all shame and guilt and all those things that come in. And really I had a mentor at the time in college that was like, yeah, you should, you should marry her then, you know, so I'm sitting there trying to hide that from my parents when, cause I'm totally afraid of whatever they're going to do or say. and then, and then I have someone that I can find it and they're like, yeah, you definitely should marry it now. And I think that that happens a lot. At least it did.

you know, and so I, so I went down that path and I feel like a lot of the decisions I made for like full life decisions were made from this fear of doing either doing the wrong thing or all of that. And so, we, we had two kids. I think that those decisions I made based in fear though, are what made me such an angry human being. So when I look back, I go, wow, I was mad about.

Nate Feathers (04:47.438)
everything. I was not living the life I wanted to live, not saying anything, just like struggling. And now I have like one kid and then another kid. And I know the saying is shit rolls downhill. And my anger about my own decisions and my own life that apparently I was blaming on everyone else, just rolled downhill to my oldest son. And I look back on that guy and I'm like, wow, he's an angry.

angry dude and the truth is he was making decisions based on fear or what other people thought and and all of that anger came out inside his house on his children and that is. It's awful that led to an affair. I will say this. I was actually studying to be a pastor at that at that school so I had become a pastor that all of this. I don't know how I thought through this or whatever, but I got to this real place for us like forget it. I just.

I had, at one point wanted to kill myself and was like, if I just, you know, driving down the road, just slam into something, I could just add all this. And instead my wife says now my wife, Megan, she's like, she's like, you know, you, you didn't kill yourself, but you just, you burned everything down as if you did kill yourself. You killed who you were when you had that affair. And I think that's, that's extremely insightful. at that time I ended up.

the church kicked us out. They kicked me out of the church and said, it couldn't be there. we basically left completely alone. I feel like that is where the dark time of my life began. This pain was all based on the fact that again, growing up in the church, I United God and the church for me. And so when I look back, I go, all right, God and the church were the same. And so I didn't, the church didn't kick me out. And the truth is the leadership is who kicked me out, but.

God kicked me out, God abandoned me and left me. And so I felt completely alone in this darkness. We did not get divorced then. And probably I would say not every marriage has to end in divorce from this kind of thing. But I would say we probably should have. All of it was like should have led to that, but we didn't. And we limped along. We moved to move away because we had no ties anymore. And I will say that the marriage I'm in, it started because...

Nate Feathers (07:14.094)
she and I pursued something while I was married to my ex and while she was married to somebody else. And here's what I'll say to that is I used to be almost ashamed of that. And now I'm like, I have these beautiful children because of that. And I really do, I look at my kids and my younger, all of my kids, but I look at them and I say, you were meant to be here.

And when I think about that and like all of the things that happened up to that point had to happen. And so I don't say that with like, people can like bash me. I've had churchy people bash me with that stuff or say, you know, you should have done this or you should have, sure. In the midst of that though, this is where I think dads don't babysit really started. If I go far enough back there was that in the midst of all of that,

I had people saying, you know, what about the kids? What about the kids? And I realized that a few things, one, when all of this was said and done and the dust and settled, no matter what happened, my kids were coming back into life with me. And the people that were saying that we're going to go back to their lives. So the people that had to deal with that were me and my children. And so,

me trying to please those people to do what they wanted, which was stay, was just me people pleasing again and not doing what it was that would have been right for me and my own children. It would have just been to make them happy. They were going to go to their own way anyways. And so actually, Megan said to me, like, basically, what do you want? What would you do if it were your kids?

And I basically sat there and thought, I would look at my children and say, what do you want? Do that. Like, what's where's it taking you? And I would still say that to them to this day. I hate divorce. But it happens. And in this situation, it has blossomed out. I mean, if you think about it after a forest fire.

Nate Feathers (09:34.03)
that's where the flowers start to grow. You know what I mean? All the stuff starts to grow back and that is what I had. And so I made that decision and it was like, what would I tell my kids? And I made, that was probably one of the first decisions I ever made saying, what do I want and how would I live this out? Because no matter what, I had to make a decision to live life in front of my children the way I would want to see them live. And that's probably really where Dad's don't baby sit has started.

I love how you broke that down. Like there's, there's so much in there that can relate to many people out there, many men, but people in general, like, and this is not me by any means attacking the religious structure. Sure. You see many pastors, you see many people, but you see pastors and these people that have high authorities in the church having problems, these, these personal problems that they're trying to hide and suppress.

And you said something that really opened my eyes. I grew up in Tennessee, as I mentioned, Southern Baptist, hardcore, like hardcore, speaking tongues and you know, it's all, you know, and you talked about the power of fear and how that controlled over your life. Talk to me about the decisions you made and how that impacted, how that fear and how everybody else externally drove you.

They were living, they were driving your life, Nate's life in the direction where you may have not wanted to go. Yeah, I think that goes for guys who people who want our people pleasers, you want people to be happy. And you know, that saying you can please all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but you can't please all the people all the time. Well, people pleasers try to do that last one that you it's impossible. And so you're constantly

You're basically, like if you see yourself, you're just cutting away at yourself over and over. You're just cutting pieces of yourself off to fit into somebody else's mold of what your life is supposed to look like. You know, like you, I forget who it was. They said, you know, you're only gonna be the best. Like everything you're supposed to do is meant for you. And if you try to follow somebody else and do what they're doing, you're never gonna be as good. You'll always be second place, because that's what they're supposed to do.

Nate Feathers (11:58.83)
In this instance, it's like, yeah, I'm shaving this part of myself off to fit in to fit my shoulder into that guy's mold or whatever it is. You just look at a mutilated human at that point, but it's not a physical body that's mutilated. You're mutilating yourself spiritually and emotionally to fit some stupid box of somebody else's opinions. Do I do I default to that all the time? I got to fight being a people pleaser all the time, and I'm not always good at it.

But doing that, you're afraid of what? You're afraid of their opinions? Absolutely. Yeah, if I look at it, I'm like, absolutely, I'm afraid of their opinions. I don't want people to think I'm a bad person. I'll tell you this, I will explain way more than I need to about any choice or decision, just so people can get a little, like, this is the thought process I had and why I did that. Honestly, there's another part of me that goes, shut that crap off. You did this.

I wanted to, because that's where I'm going. And if you don't like it, I guess get over it. Like that was not the Nate of 2001. Back in the day when I was in college and like and got married, I was like, my gosh, I, my gosh, I had sex with my girlfriend before we got married. Now and now I have to marry her. Like, I better do that. Or the church is going to look down on me or you know, that was my home. That was everything I knew was wrapped up in the church. And that was like the worst thing you can

possibly do and I did it. And, you know, when you see the church as God instead of God as God, it's oppressive. It's oppressive. And unfortunately, I don't blame my dad for that at all. In fact, as a pastor, he tried really hard to protect my brother and I from the slings and arrows, if you will, of the people of the church. And we had a really good crew of people growing up. I don't have bad memories of that place. But looking back, I go, man, I

I feel this, I felt this oppressive need to, if church is God, man, you have a very oppressive God and it has to, I don't know, man, it just drove through fear. I made decisions through fear. Every decision made in fear is probably the wrong one. Yeah. You're pulling me even closer because I grew up in that type of environment too, right? And what comes up for me is like when with this fear that we had, right? From the church and from,

Nate Feathers (14:27.758)
all the outsiders, resentment starts to come up. Yeah. And I'm going to say this because I heard you say shame and guilt a few times. And I want to dive into that for a second because I put this question to a few men that I talked to on occasion. And I said, how is shame getting in your way of being the father that you want to be? And so like, let's dive back into that. Yeah. That time is like, how was shame impacting you as a husband, as a father?

as a man during those challenging times. Yeah. I mean, honestly, it drove it. If you think back to before I got married the first time, it drove me into that. It drove me into that. Like I have no ill will there or any of that stuff. You know, my life had to happen the way it did to have what I have. So gratitude is really what I have now. But it literally drove me into into that. And.

Yeah, dude, I would say that at the same time, I would blow up and then I would hear that voice inside of me go, like, imagine if I like imagine treating someone like that. How dare you? Like, I would feel that. And then instead of what it did for me is, again, you're trying to please everybody. So instead of trying to bring it up and have that confrontation, even with my younger son and say to him, dude, dad, really screw this up. That wasn't cool at all. I would.

be upset at myself and like the upset and this would would leave from being upset at him to being upset at me but then I would just hide right I don't mean like I would hide like go cowering in fear of my own son I would just work more or I would go do other things or I would hang out with guys like other people so I wasn't participating in his life and then like let time blow over and then come back to it because he's a little kid he's gonna forgive me anyways.

So be like, dad, you're home and it's all gone and it's all better. Good, fine. I didn't have to apologize. It's all better now. And dude, what a crappy way to parent. I mean, all that did was teach him the same thing. Just taught him to hide, taught him to try to let things blow over and stay away from it instead of confront things face to face. That's all I did was teach him that.

Nate Feathers (16:47.566)
I got a little emotional and threw me off my thought process. So I apologize for that.

Nate Feathers (16:54.862)
There was a little string you pulled there and I want to dive into it. Yeah, man. It led to me. Man. You got me there. You got me. I'm going to pause for a second. Yeah. I feel like sometimes I find myself doing that. Yeah. I think that's, you know, I'm going to just leave this in here. Fuck it. Vulnerable. Honest. You said something there that like, I think we continue.

And I say, we, I'll use me, I, men, other, other men, like we're all trying to be better men, better fathers. And you said something that I want to bring highlight to for those that are listening, for those that are, that can relate to what Nate's talking about this journey that we're on, right? It doesn't mean that we're perfect. The philosophies that the frameworks that we're pushing out, it doesn't mean that we're perfect. Our, our opportunities, our job is to.

create this space, create this awareness to where when we fall back into that cycle, right, or that default program, that we can pull ourselves out faster than we did the time before. And so, like, I just wanted for men that are listening that like, man, that's me, just like I told you right now, like, a few months ago, I just caught myself in a default program. Like when I felt like things were getting hard, I went back to working more creating work that I didn't need to.

I say all that in transition to, you know, you talked about taking your son to college for the first time. Can you dive into that story as we progress from those challenging times to now, you know, how you showed up as a father, how you showed up as a man, how that evolved into being dads don't babysit as we continue the journey? Yeah, I mean, I'm tearing up thinking about it right now. So, daddy, we, we took him to school.

And he goes to school close by. It's funny, because when he was younger and he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, I was like, dude, you need to go to Amsterdam or France. Go somewhere. Get out. He was so tied in because that was easy. And I feel like that was a part for him is, well, it's easier if I just stay here. My parents will do stuff for me. And so Megan and I are like, you need to go see the world. Go to college overseas. Do something.

Nate Feathers (19:16.942)
just go away. And it wasn't because we didn't like him. It was because he needed that experience. And then he was like, he really got, I mean, he got into music and the guitar in fifth grade, we got on the guitar. And I mean, this kid, I'm the dad that would be like, Hey, bud, this just isn't your thing. Dude, this kid is amazing. Now I'm like, what are we doing? Like, write stuff. I'll put it on my reels, you know, do something, keep going. Cause he's so good. I love to hear him play. And

And so as soon as he said that, I was like, well, we do live in Nashville. You should probably go somewhere around here. And it was really, I've told him all along, you are not paying for an education. Are you getting one? Yeah. You're paying for the connection to the guys that used to work like the guy that's now the Dean of that college or the music college that used to work at Sony and his contacts. You're, you're, you're paying for that. You're paying for your ability to have connections with people.

that have connections with people where you want to go. And so I really did want him to leave and go somewhere. And then when he said that, I was like, so he goes to school 20 minutes away. It's not far. But dude, we came home from dropping him off at college and I sat out front and I had one of those like near death experiences where I saw my life flash before my eyes. But what I watched.

was how I treated him.

And I was just like, dude, I was an asshole a lot of the time.

Nate Feathers (20:56.302)
Man, I just kept going, I could have done that better and I should have done that better. He deserved it better than that. And

Nate Feathers (21:09.006)
And it was like, I cannot do that again, because it all changes. And you know, they say that you get like 75 % of your time with your kids by the time the 12 holy shit that scares me so bad. I had I have a four week old. And I'm like, you're four weeks old already. Like, what? Stop it. And you know, so that means that, like 75 % of your time and that that's not because you're not gonna spend time with them. It just means that they want you.

They want you. And when he wanted me, I couldn't stand having him there. And that was the problem. Because I hated my life so much that I was just like, God, you just get in the way. You do all these, I just don't want you around. And I think that there's a lot of dads that feel that way. And I saw all of that and it just punched me in the face because it's not that it's over or that he's like gone. It's just that it's so different.

And when like, so at 12, you got 75%. And so from 12 through the teenage years, they spend less and less time with you. And then they leave your house and you spent almost like, like you're going to have the rest of your life, not having them that close. And I'm like, I got to do whatever I can to have as much money as I need so that I can just drop anything and everything and go where they are. If they leave the nest, like when they leave the nest to like, if they travel the world, I.

I look at my view of having grandkids and I love that somebody said that it's like that that what we don't realize as parents is that our parents because they're so great grandparents because they see us and they get to redo all the stuff they screwed up. And I'm like, man, and that's actually the reason I reached out to Zeke on that one post I made it. I said, you're going to have you're going to be a great father and your kids are going to have a

even better grandfather, because I'm going to redo all that I fucked up with you. And yeah, I think about that. And I and I remember feeling exactly it hits me in waves like that, because it's because it's very visceral. It's so much I step back in and I I think about how he felt. That'll kill me. I think about how he felt when I treated him like that, like the fear he felt.

Nate Feathers (23:29.294)
the shame and the guilt he felt for being just a kid who he is. And it's like, that's what started his conversation on himself of like, I'm not wanted or I don't deserve this or I'm a bad person. All of those voices started and that voice in his head is mine. And that is so painful because it's such a lie. The voice he hears, that's my voice talking to him when it's that shaming. It's a lie. It's not true about him at all.

and I thought to myself, this pain of regret is way too heavy. Don't man should ever feel that. And that's literally what turned the corner for dads don't babysit to become what it, what, what it's becoming. I mean, I, I believe that if we dads could get this right now, our kids will do it unconsciously to our grandkids. So not only will they have kick ass grandparents because we,

changed how we do, but their parents will do what we're trying to do without even thinking about it. What an amazing gift to give to the world. And all I want to do is help dads figure that stuff out, like figure your stuff out so you can do that. Because the last thing I want is any man to get to 18 with his kid, take him off to college and sit on the front porch and basically cry like, I could have done that better. That.

It's awful. And I know I'm not old, but I feel like the sage. I'm like, it's awful. Don't, don't live that way. Cause it's, it's, it's awful to relive it in that those few seconds. So beautifully said that, you know, I, I envisioned that I like, I really envisioned everything that you're saying. I, I'm playing this, this story in my head and it's so vivid. And I, and I want to ask you this because I know we've talked about this before and, and I want to stay within, within your story, but like,

parenting Zeke, obviously like the way that I break down your story, and this is just me, right? And I can totally be off, but you have traditional parenting, so to speak, and then this conscious fatherhood, so to speak. And so like, I want you to talk to me about, so we dove into the fear aspect and how that impacted you early, early on. Let's talk about fatherhood. With Zeke, and you had a lot of emotions,

Nate Feathers (25:55.886)
of like regret and looking back on you, like how you handled certain situations. What did fatherhood look like for you? And the first time up at bat? Yeah. well, I kind of saw, I always saw kids as just a byproduct of life. You know, I feel bad for that thought because I never had a hard time having kids. We didn't have to try, right?

There are men out there who are married and they want kids with their wife and they cannot have them and they're doing all the things. And I don't even know what to say to that because it's got to be so painful. And I didn't live that life. They just came out and that's the way I lived all the way through. I just thought, well kids, you know, you grow up, you get married and you have kids and that's how that works. Kids just seemed like this byproduct of living. And so, but at the same time,

I think culturally, we look at kids as like less than, you know, you think about if you if you'll give yourself the ability to sit on a plane as a single guy, and you find out you got to sit next to a single lady who's got a three year old, you're not excited about that trip anymore. You know what I mean? You're at least not excited about the plane ride because you have a vault of human being who has no you have no idea whether they're gonna sleep the whole thing, or they're gonna scream the whole time. Are they going to be sitting in your lap? You're like, great, I don't know you like, why are you here? But like,

I guess that's kind of how I parented. It was just like, well, you're here, but you got to stay with your mom or you got to be at the home because I've got to go do stuff and you're just going to get in the way. And, and that's kind of, I see that a lot and I can't even look back at the moment I'm thinking of is I was leading a church and I had to, it was small. So I led worship and I preached. And so I had the band together on a specific night.

and I had both Zeke and Amelia there and they were little, Amelia was very little, but older enough to like walk around and stuff. And so I had them in the room for the kids, but there was nobody there to watch them because their mother was doing something else. But I had to do this, it was that night. And I came in and I look at Amelia and she had cut her bangs like way up. And I'm like, where did you even get scissors? And then I'm looking at Zeke like, why didn't you stop her? Why did, he's like, yeah.

Nate Feathers (28:17.198)
I mean, let's just say that would have been 2000. He was maybe six. And I'm like, why didn't you stop your sister? Come on, like, or I'm not 2006, 2010. I'm like, he would have been six years old. So like, I'm frustrated in him. I'm frustrated at her. And then I'm frustrated at their mom because I had to bring them here. And of course this would happen because that's what happens when kids are not watched. And that's what happens when, you know, kids are where they're not supposed to be, which is.

anywhere I'm not, you know, or anywhere I am at the time. And so even though I was trying to do God's work, I was literally frustrated at my kids for being a part of it. And so he got a con he kind of got the Heisman a lot. Now you need to go somewhere else. Don't, you're like, I'm doing this and you'll just get in the way or you'll just be a bother. If you fast forward to Finley, he was born in 2015.

I took the kid everywhere and I say to guys like, take them everywhere. I feel like our society, I mean, I know you live in the Dominican, so I don't know how it is there, but you know, men go to work and the kids go to school and it's kind of like daycare for the guys, for people that are going to work. And then honestly, at this point, you need to have two incomes. So mom and dad go to work and we need daycare. So that's what school is for. You know, I see that as,

we've walked away from this whole concept of before the industrial revolution, we took our sons with us to the fields or to hunt. And we taught them ourselves because they needed to learn how to do what we were doing to survive and live and move on and proliferate our species. But they went with us. And so when Finley showed up, I would strap that kid in.

We have a built -in wall on our TV and it's like built -ins and tile. To this day, he didn't do anything, right? Obviously, he sat in a stroller, but his mom was doing something and he was right there. To this day, Finley and I built that because he was with me. I did gardening, strapped him in, or I'd put him down in the dirt. We have video of him pushing the lawnmower at like two and a half. I never would have done that with Zeke.

Nate Feathers (30:38.35)
at all. So like now it's taken with you, let them be with you all the time. And you know what, in my and this is that whole stop being a people pleaser. Everyone else can either deal with it or leave because this boy has all the rights of a full human being and he's going to be here. And I'm his dad. So if you got a problem, I guess you're dealing with me. You know, like it's kind of that feeling now.

And I think it actually socializes your kids way better, you know, because I can tell you Zeke is not he's not if he ever if he hears this, he's not awkward. But if you're like he helped me out with a with a with my business, I do Christmas lights. We got out of the job one time and I said, hey, knock on the door, let them know we're here because I don't want to get shot. Right. I mean, I am in Tennessee. That could happen. And if they don't know you're coming, they know that I'm coming at some point. But if they don't know it's you, they might come out with a gun.

so I said, go knock and he's like, why? And that's what, as soon as he said why I knew he was terrified to knock on the door and talk to a stranger. you know, it's like, it's one of those things where, and I think about Finley and Wyatt. I mean, they, they won't, they're not like that because they've gone with me and they've socialized. They're, they're allowed to ask questions, stuff. I constantly was shushing Zeke telling them to stop like this was not his place. And just, God, that guy, that, that dad was so frustrating to me.

because of what I was doing to him all along, not even realizing I was doing it to him or not even thinking about it. And I mean, my daughter at this point, my youngest daughter, Luna, she's three. I mean, she'll talk to you and she should probably not have any clothes on. You know, it's like, that's how confident, that's how confident she is. And she goes with me, dude, dude, slow everything down. Like a 10 minute drive to the grocery store takes a half hour because they're with you.

But I just don't care anymore because I want them. You know, and that's the thing that I love the most about you and the work that you do is like, there's so much alignment, first of all, like our beliefs around it. And like so many traditional fathers, our fathers, the fathers before them, right? They, like you said, they were building that industrial revolution. They were, they were building the American dream, dream, so to speak. Yeah. So their focus was outside of the house.

Nate Feathers (33:03.534)
it put a lot of responsibility on the wife and being the child rearing and all that other things. And the reason why men has had, and this is just my own opinion, have had a hard time is because they hadn't had the exposure around their kids. And I think that you're not the only man, I know I'm not the only man. I've had these thoughts too of like, my kids sometimes are better seen heard, you know, like, and I'm just like, because it goes back to how we were parents.

Yeah, like us transitioning into this like conscious parenting is it's not it's not like, because we have these tools, we're going to get it right every single time it goes back to what we just said a few minutes ago. But the thing is, if you want to be a better father, you got a father, you got to be present, you got to try you got to at least have them around. Talk to me about and I know I'm fast forward and I hope you have more time. So if I

Talk to me what changed when you started to get very intentional, you know, obviously you you add some reflection with your your son to come to college. You said enough is enough. This I'm going to get it right now. I'm going to show up for my kids. I'm going to be there. I'm going to allow them a space. I'm going to father. I'm not going to babysit. I love the dad. I'm going to father. Yeah. I don't know what it is. I've been I'm emotional wreck. I guess I don't know that.

There's so much appreciation for my children. And so this is an old reel I did, but I did it. I talked, I was holding my, I was holding Luna, I think, but this is all of them. And I do it now, obviously with my youngest, his name is Killian. So we call him Kills. But I was holding Kills and I'll literally whisper to him, he's four weeks old. I'm like, you're supposed to be here.

And I'm excited to see what you do in this world. Whatever that is, I don't care. I'm just excited to be part of it. I find myself being thankful that they came to me. I get these guys, right? You have five kids, you get them. How amazing is that? How fantastic is it to be, and this is why I guess people say children are a blessing. I didn't believe that before, but I do. Like I get it.

Nate Feathers (35:29.166)
because watching them do things and finding their little pieces of things that they like and their different personalities and watching them grow. And then I always looked at the future. So I'm like, what are you gonna do? Ooh, I'm so excited. I love that. And I get to be a part of that. None of this is, this isn't for me. In fact, I'm gonna be gone. At some point I will be not only gone,

but forgotten, you know what I mean? I don't know my, I don't even think I know my great grandfather's name on either side. So my grandfather is big in our family. I mean, he's passed away, but he is like, when you talk about Pat, everybody on my dad's side of the family just has amazing things to say about him. There are so many children with the middle name Russell because that was his middle name, including my Luna, Luna Gray Russell Feathers.

So, but prior to him, I don't even know that man's name. And so at some point I am going to be forgotten, but everything I do that is instilled in these kids will keep living on. And that's why I keep saying, if I will do it right, I can pass that on to where they'll do it unconsciously. And now we've shifted the whole, we've diverged that road as to where our legacy goes.

And it's going in a great and wonderful direction with a lot of men because they're saying, I don't want to live the way I either had been or the way I grew up. And, dude, yeah, I get to watch it. Dude, you know what I'm talking about. I saw you smile. You get to, it's so fun. It's so fun. Frustrating. It really is frustrating. I get that, but it's so much fun. Yeah. You, what came up for me too is that, you know, and I'm going to throw this back at you. It's just a statement. Whatever comes up for you, but like,

I firmly believe children are teachers, right? When things come up for us, if we allow it a space, we can learn so much about ourselves. dude. Yeah, they're little mirrors, right? So I say a lot, too. You probably do, too. Like, they're not going to do much of what you say. In fact, you got to say it like 15 times to get them to do it. But they're going to do what you do, including talk how you talk.

Nate Feathers (37:55.118)
with the tone that you talk. So I hear myself talking in this tiny little voice from a seven year old and I cringe. I'm like, that's so bad. Wow. I got to work on that. So if you're humble enough and willing enough to, to learn from them, yes, they are some of the best teachers. Cause there's no filter from them either. Wait, two things. You say something more than 15 times too. I thought that was just me. Bro.

So perfect. Last night, I said something to Wyatt and he gets so mad. He gets so mad when he's told what to do. And I say that in air quotes, because he's like, I don't want to be told what to do. Dude, he is me. I just said this to his teacher the other day. He is exactly like me. So I hate being told what to do, cannot stand it. And he's like, I don't like being told what to do, especially when you don't say please. I never heard the word please in my house. So it's a thing I have to make sure I say.

And I said, all right, fine. I hate having to repeat myself. So I'll say, please, you do it the first time. And he's like, fine. I love it. I love it. It came up for me, man. I'll tell you a funny story here. You know, I, I'm not, I don't eat healthy a hundred percent time. So I'm not telling you I'm perfect. I'm not on my high horse here, but like, I, I try to educate my kids on like, Hey,

that has chemicals, this, this, this, like, let's be mindful of what we eat. Let me show you this, this, and our neighbors, and hopefully they don't listen to this, but our neighbors across the way, their daughter was just diagnosed with diabetes. And my son was telling the older brother, he's like eight, my son's 10, he was like, we don't eat that because it's poison. And I was like, I was like, shh, shh, stop, stop.

And I'm laughing about it. So for anybody who's listening, I'm not laughing at the diabetes aspect. I'm laughing because, you know, we're talking about shame. We're talking about guilt. We're talking about when we see these things in our kids, like, and I'm sitting there and I told them like, stop, stop, like, no, don't just grace him. Just take a deep breath. Let's talk about this. And I had to apologize to him, you know, because at the end of the day, like I want him to be in his full authenticity. I think it's, I don't want you to sugarcoat things, but I also want you to understand.

Nate Feathers (40:15.374)
when there's a good time and when there's a bad time, right? Being able to have that element there. But you know, like you said, like there are teachers and when they're doing something that we don't like, when we're triggered, when we're challenged by something, it's something internally, two things. It's something internally that we actually notice about ourselves that we don't like, or number two, as a part of ourselves that we haven't really shone, like shine the light on. The awareness piece and that's...

for me and my oldest, you know, like you just said with your son, like my oldest is a replication of me. I love sports. He's athletic. He's like, you know, everything. And he, he's emotional just like me. And so when things like he triggers me more than any of my other four kids, I have patients for my other four kids. I can talk them through. I can work. I can sit there with the emotions.

with my oldest, it's like my blood starts to boil and I have to ask myself why. And it's because, and I turn it back over to you with this thought is, it's because I am still working through eight year old or 10 year old Alex or whatever year old Alex of space, of even having that space, right? Like our parents, you know, like shut up, or cry. If you're gonna cry, I'm gonna give you a reason to cry type thing, right? So.

You know, as we as we go with the traditional parenting, like talk to me how challenging that was for you going from traditional fatherhood into fatherhood 2 .0, so to speak. Yeah, I mean, that's why I guess I say it's more conscious parenting. I call conscious fatherhood. I've never been a fan of calling a gentle father gentle parenting. I just always felt like that sounded weak, but conscious makes sense to me because now I'm paying attention to what I'm doing. And I think that's the that's the thing. I feel like we're going to

We parent how we were parented. It's what I've called the default setting. And I guess my thought there is if you're unconsciously parenting, then you're gonna railroad your kids, you're gonna yell at them. We can look around the world and see plenty of unconscious parenting. I don't even know how to describe it. It's sad.

Nate Feathers (42:36.078)
because you're watching these kids be, I don't wanna say abuse, because it's not always abuse, but you're watching them be berated or talked down to like they're not fully human, all of that stuff or yell that. And dude, again, I raise my voice, I have yelled. Like that is not something that hasn't, I don't agree with it, but I haven't fully stopped it. This is one of those things where I apologize a lot faster. The way you said, like we fix it for the next time.

I apologize a lot faster because I'm like, I shouldn't have said that. It shouldn't have been like that. It's not your fault. That's my fault, buddy. So, I don't know. It's just, I guess for me, it always comes back to if I'm conscious, then I'm learning, right? The best thing we can do is constantly learning. I mean, leaders, they read and they learn and they become, you become better humans. And I think that the best part about the whole idea of improving yourself is that the

It's a perpetual thing, right? There's no end to that. I can always improve something. And as a result, I can always be a better dad in how I do things. And then, I don't know, I guess I see that. And that comes from humility. If you're walking around like, I got this, which is how I did it. I mean, I thought, you know, fatherhood is just, I'm a dad, so I'm right. And I do these things. And because I'm dad, I know. And I'm...

I didn't know. In fact, I had no idea all of the unspoken things that my son was hearing that I would never have wanted him to hear out loud, all because I was yelling or pushing him all of those things. And so conscious parenting makes us go, I'm saying this by not saying this or what are they getting from me that I'm not saying out loud? And and then.

saying things out loud to address what they may be getting from me. That's important. You know, I don't want to lose this question. cause I do want to dive into, some of the, the dad's don't babysit pillars, right? So to speak, like kind of the things that you do, the tangibles, but what came up for me is like, how has conscious parenting created a deeper relationship with your kids? How has that opened up and evolved your relationship?

Nate Feathers (45:02.638)
I don't even know how to this. I honestly don't know how to describe it because it's it's the depth just keeps going. I am again. It's just like improving myself. It just keeps going farther. It just I that's a full human that I'm dealing with no matter what. So all of the emotions, all of that is there and I am I'm going to experience that with them. I do. I don't even know. I don't know how to describe it other than I know.

without a shadow of a doubt, the feeling of being a dad that's conscious is way better than being this authoritarian traditional father that I was. Because I could go to bed at night as the traditional authoritarian father and feel the weight of like, ugh. You know, like I used to spank. Spank, feel like total crap. Yell, feel like total crap. Because of the way I was, it was, and then hide and just wait for him to be like, dad, you wanna do this? And be like, we're good now. And.

that kind of just crap. And now it's, it's coming back and going, dude, I shouldn't have done that. I mean, I'm sorry, or just cried out, man. I mean, that I'll, I think that's a profound thing right there is when they're upset, let them cry. You know, my daughter last night was having a freak out session to a level where I usually I let him cry. I'm like, I'm like Luna, seriously, what is the what in the world? And then all of a sudden, it was like, all these things clicked into place. It's like,

She went to school today. She didn't take a nap. She didn't fall asleep in the car. We are now at like late dinner. Of course she's having a freak out session. She's totally tired. And so it's, I'm not going to be there and be like, you eat your food right now because I cooked it. And why would I do that? This poor kid just needs to close her eyes and end the day. And so we just, let's just go that direction. Kindly instead of, you know, no, you're going to eat that. Don't, you're going to do this. You're going to brush your teeth. Honestly.

If she didn't brush her teeth last night, I don't care. Right? If she fell asleep before she brushed her teeth, what am I going to do? Wake her up, make her brush her teeth. Cause that's important for real. Like the old Nate would have like, Nope, got to brush the teeth. Cause that's important. And I would have not even thought about any of that. I would have yelled at her and forced her to do. That's what the old Nate would have done because I would have been frustrated and I would have thought to myself, she's just having a tantrum because she doesn't want to eat the food.

Nate Feathers (47:26.574)
And instead I was able to go like pull out from the conversation, pull off of the situation and see her whole day and go, she's not even four yet. I bet she's wicked tired. And that's, that's a whole different landscape of fatherhood. Like, and I, and I'm playing this because it might be common sense. I'm going to use the word common sense, but it might be something that we're aware of, but I can tell you that like men that I talked to that are not exposed to this, work.

they don't realize that most meltdowns are food touch movement or they need some sleep. Right? And so like, yeah, being able to just say, okay, well, what did she eat today? Or for me, my instance yesterday, my kids were at surf camp, then they skateboarded, didn't get home till 8pm this morning, going to do it again. My son's having a meltdown. I'm like, okay, he didn't sleep much. He didn't, you know, being able to just sit there and say, okay, go ahead, dude. Like, let it out. I'm here. It's tough. I got it.

take as much time, you know what, I'm even and this is something I wanted to elaborate on is like, I'm even going to help you in the sense of like, normally I don't help him get his clothes ready. I it's all on him. But because he was in this meltdown, because he was having this, I'm going to help you with this so you can have these emotions right now. Because I'm being in time crunches. But what you're saying is having that maturity or that awareness that is that really going to break the bank? Is it really going to kill? You know, what's going to hurt? What is it going to hurt? So

being able to take a time for yourself and say, okay, they haven't done this, this, this, this, let me just show up and be there and let them have those emotions because you know, like, when we shush or we tell our kids to stop, we're doing it for our convenience. And that's something that I had to come to my own awareness of like, my father did things because of his convenience. And don't get me wrong, for a long time, I had so much resentment.

But I could either sit in that resentment and I could be the victim of the reason why I should, I could say, that's why I act this way. Or I, or I could take responsibility and say, you know what? I'm gonna, I'm gonna be different because I didn't like that way. And I, and it takes me to, I want you to talk about it because it's the first time I ever heard it. You told me the difference between a superhero and a villain with the pain and the power. Talk to me about that. Yeah. So I would love to be able to credit whoever it was, but the guy said,

Nate Feathers (49:47.214)
the superhero and the villain have the same backstory. Both of them have this pain. And one of them said, I was hurt and I want the world to feel my pain. So I will inflict as much pain as possible. And that's the one who becomes the villain. But the superhero, the hero is the one who says, I felt all this hurt and no one should have to feel that hurt. So I will work to keep people from feeling that pain. They come from the same place. It's just the decision on how they handle their own pain.

and what they do with it. And that's the biggest thing with your journey, right? And a lot of men that are in this, in this path, in this field of fatherhood, it's like, okay, we realize our fathers didn't show up the way that we may have wanted them or needed them to. Yeah. We're not going to live in the pity. We're going to know what's there. We're going to sit in the pain. We're going to sit in whatever challenging moment we've had, create the space, let it go through the body. Let us fully feel it, understand it, put words to it, but we're going to push forward.

And we're gonna we're gonna allow that to be the path and our purpose in the world and where we feel alignment clarity. I want to say with especially the conscious parenting, and then I'm gonna ask you on your frameworks here. You said something we when we did the fatherhood summit a few months ago, we were talking and I do we Freeman, I mentioned him a lot because he was a therapist that when I die, when I dove into men's work,

He said something to me and the reason why I conscious parent even more now and you hit it and in different words, but I'm just going to break it down like this. Sure. Conscious fatherhood, parenting fatherhood 2 .0, it comes down to our ability to influence and be influenced, right? Like if we want this deep connection that we speak of and this relationship with our kids, it requires us to let go of some of that control.

build trust, right? When there's no trust, there's no, there's no, you have no, excuse me, when there's no trust, there's control. When you relinquish control, you have trust and you have a powerful relationship. It's a two lane, two lane street. And especially with everything you share and the words that you speak, like you're creating a two lane highway, right? Like the old fatherhood pattern is my way or the highway. And now we're talking about

Nate Feathers (52:10.286)
Hey, let's have conversations, let's take feedback. Obviously, you make decisions when you need to that and are able to communicate. But for the most part, it's about creating a connection and allowing them to have control, some form of feedback and control in their life because they're a being. I say all that to ask you about dads don't babysit like the pillars, the work that you do. I know you mentor dads, you just started this community. What are things for those that are listening,

that are like, Nate, I really resonate with everything you said, what are the what are some tangibles that someone can take away? Then maybe they found themselves in your situation before? Yeah, I would say what I tend to focus on is, I say this a lot. And it really does. It's it's what has really pushed me towards helping men in all aspects of their life, because I feel like that actually will lead to your father. So my a lot of what start like,

my journey was as it is, but I noticed I got, I became a better father as I got more fit. And that just enabled me to feel better. And that let me work. You know, if you're eating white and you're working out, you, you automatically, your body feels better. You feel more energy. So there's already this space that you have to be able to handle more problems in your house. And so, I, I say a lot self -discipline is the best kind of.

discipline for our children. Because if I control myself again, they're say it 15 times, they may or may not do it. But they're watching me. What do you do? If you want respectful kids, you have to be respectful, not just to other people, but to them. Right? They have to experience that respect. Because that's what they're going to emulate. If you want them to be kind, and you want them to be have a good work ethic, all of those things, they have to experience.

with you, from you. And so my self -discipline disciplines my children. And from there, what I, I mean, with guys now, when I'm mentoring, we like inside of the community, my community is basically this. I want to be this conscious parent, right? I want to be gentle and open and have this space. But dude, everything in the world tells me that I need to be a savage animal who can protect my family.

Nate Feathers (54:35.182)
And so how do I be this savage animal human and yet have this discipline and control to not take that into my home? Because that's for outside the home or to protect the people I love the most. And so if I don't have the savage when he's needed, someone breaks into my house, something goes weird. It's like any of those kind of places. If I don't have that savage, I can't call on him. If I didn't work on him and didn't create him.

He's not there when he's needed. And so you have to have that. And I think that our culture tells us that, I mean, we're filing down the teeth and the claws of the lions. And I don't want that. I want lions with the sharpest of claws and the sharpest of teeth, yet with all of the self -discipline that we sit at the front door and say, you're not coming in here. And yet my kids crawl underneath me and pull on my mane and all of those things. That's what I see is that I don't use any of that power and strength.

over the people I love, I use it for their protection. And so that's what the community is all about. So when we talk about that, it's understanding my discipline to become the savage, to work out, to lift heavy, to learn the things it takes to be that protector. But at the same time, again, take myself discipline into making my health a priority, into making my knowledge and my understanding and my learning a priority.

And then that same self -discipline sitting inside my family, knowing, right now I'm ready to explode because this is just, it's a stupid cup. Why are we freaking out about not having the right cup? Like, you've got to be kidding me. And then being like, wait, it's important to her. That's why it's a big deal. That's the whole thing is it's not a big deal. Most of their stuff is not a big deal to me, but it's a big deal to them. And all of those little deals when they're little.

they're older, they'll be like, those were big deals. And my dad cares about me. That's what I'm trying to give them. So it's really training, training a man on his body, his mind, his spirit and emotions, so that he is able to allow the space for his children and protect them all at the same time. Fantastic, man. For those that are listening, Nate, how can people work with you? How can men reach out? What programs do you have available at the moment?

Nate Feathers (56:59.342)
Yeah, so right now I am. So we open the community. That's a great spot. And what my suggestion is reach out to me on on Instagram at dads don't babysit its dads underscore don't underscore babysit and just message me. I do check the hidden messages because I know I get those from people that are like not following or that I don't know. And I'll get them the link for that and and they can become a part of that community.

And then Nate at dads don't babysit .tv is a great place. That's my email. So you can message me there. those are the two majors, right now I am with that whole community session section. I am working on offering more personalized coaching where we'll go through. That's been the thing for me is we got to understand how we were parented. So we'll go through, how were you parented? Like, what was your childhood? Like what was, just tell me what you remember about all of this. We go through that. We go through.

How do you eat? What do you do for exercise? All of those things to understand the man that is walking into his house and then personalize it by saying, all right, well, what can we work on? I can give suggestions on what would be the first things to go through. But at the same time, there might be a spot for this guy where he's like, I yell all the time. Okay, well, let's go back and let's start talking about how can we, how do we fix that? How do we reframe our brain to see our little ones as needing stuff and not.

you know, needing us and not trying to take from us, if I can put it that way. I love that because we're men before fathers and sometimes we lose that within fatherhood and we have to get back to that basic principle that we have to understand the man behind the father. There's very intricacies, but the man has to, we have to understand the man first. And I will say my relationship with Nate started in a

cold DM and his man and his hidden folder probably months ago. That was on Fatherhood Summit. So he does check it. So it's not just what he does check it. So please reach out. Nate, I just want to say once again, thank you for coming on today and diving into something that maybe you don't talk about often. But most men probably feel like they're alone. But in reality, the biggest thing is there's someone always out there that's gone through something very similar than that what you've gone through.

Nate Feathers (59:16.014)
Yeah, absolutely. Thanks brother. Don't problem. Take care.