Three months preceding the events of the mysterious dossier that held information on his death, we find Leo awaiting orientation on his second day in hell. Having just realized he died and didn't make it to heaven, he's distraught and wrestling with acceptance of his fate. All things considered, it's a beautiful day in the capital city of Dante, and Leo is taking a restorative stroll through a patch of countryside on the outskirts of the city at Sebastian's behest. A calm, cool breeze flits through the green trees surrounding a large ornamental fish pond. Leo approaches the pond, produces a fishing rod, baits the hook, casts the rod, and then...
SPEAKER_02:Hi!
SPEAKER_03:Leo looks around but realizes he is alone. Great, now I'm hearing voices. He reels the fishing rod in and prepares for another cast, but is interrupted by the voice again. Um, hi! Over here! Hello? Yep, just a
SPEAKER_02:little to your left. Uh, hello? Almost there. Yes, here I am. Hi.
SPEAKER_03:Leo stares at the man who owns the voice. He's in the pond with water up to his neck. I'm Max Million. Uh, Leo. I'm... I'm Leo. Nice to meet you, Leo. Been a long time since anyone stopped by. What's the occasion? I was supposed to attend orientation, but there is apparently some additional security being added. Don't know why. So it was delayed until noon. Oh, orientation. Billy is a great orator. So I've heard. Anyway, Sebastian, my case worker, suggested I go fishing to try and relax. I'm sorry, what are you doing here? Why are you in the water? I'm chained to the bottom of this pond for eternity. Wow, you must be cold. I'm freezing. I should probably be completely numb by now. But I think the constant biting cold is part of the paying for my sins thing.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, hey, hold on. Gotta drown. Be right back.
SPEAKER_03:To Leo's horror, Maximilian succumbs to the water, gurgling and panicking as he plummets to the depths below. A few moments pass, and then suddenly, he returns. His head bobbing just above the surface once again, as if he had not just died by drowning. Okay, back. What were we talking about? I'm sorry, did you just drown? Yep, yep, I drowned. Do you need help getting out of there? Maybe there's a boat nearby. Leo begins searching the area for a boat. Anything to rescue Maximilian. No, no, sorry, don't bother. Many have tried and failed. What happened to them? Oh, they're down here somewhere. How long have you been here? Literally sleeping with the fishes, you sort of lose track of time. So... I haven't the foggiest. What about you? Uh, this is day two. Holy crow, literally fresh off the River Styx cruise. I really don't remember. Ah, that's normal. Say, what's new out there? I can't remember the last time I talked to anyone. I'm not sure I'm the best person to give you updates on recent events around here, considering I'm one of the recent events. I keep hearing Hell is going through a transformation. I didn't think eternal torture and suffering was still on the menu. Right. And yet, here I am. One of the lucky ones, I guess.
SPEAKER_00:Hey,
SPEAKER_03:on the bright side, you can work on your tan. That's funny, Leo. Say, if you happen to think of it, if you're out and about in town and you ever make it back this way, I really miss the taste of chocolate.
SPEAKER_00:Chocolate?
SPEAKER_03:I don't want to put you out. No, no, it's okay. If I come across some chocolate and if I ever venture out here to fish again, I'll be happy to share it with you. Thanks. Oh, you should really try over here. The fish are really fighting. Maybe later. I have to get going. Right. Orientation. Any advice? Just be open. It will all sound impossible, but it isn't. Leo steps away, holding his fishing gear. Once he is out of view, a huge splash occurs behind Maximillian. Damn.
SPEAKER_02:Glad he didn't see that.
SPEAKER_00:Q-String TV presents Leo Braun. Episode 4, Orientation.
SPEAKER_03:Leo walks up the steps to the orientation entrance, located in a building that resembles a city hall. Under its roof, Leo locates the entrance to the orientation room. Two heavily armed guards stand on either side of the threshold as new arrivals trickle in. Down the hall, Leo observes a well-dressed man smoking a cigarette standing behind a closed door with a glass window. He seems to be having a heated discussion with a short, but imposing-looking figure dressed in an overcoat and fedora. Leo's attention is diverted as his name is spoken. Leo Braun? Yeah, I'm Leo. The man speaking with Leo is tall, black-haired, handsome, with a pale, unblemished face and strikingly pale blue eyes. Herman, it's very good to meet you. Herman hands Leo a coffee. Leo graciously accepts the beverage with a nod. You're sitting in front of me. Herman enters the orientation room and Leo follows. The former detective is struck by how similar to a classroom it feels. The room is packed almost every seat filled with new arrivals. Leo follows Herman and finds his seat. There is an orientation packet sitting on a small school desk with his name written in sharpie. Leo sits down and opens the packet. The first of many documents in the packet is entitled, I DIED. Now what? Good morning! Hi! Did everyone get some fruit or Danish? There's OJ or coffee on the table over there. Sorry, no creamer. Dairy just seems to spoil here. Okay, first things first. My name is Billy Boat Chief, and yes, that is my original God-given name. Speaking of names, fill yours out on the tiny little space provided for you on the attendance sheet, okay? Then we'll watch a 12-minute video on what to expect on your first day of Someone raises their hand. Hold all questions till after the video. After a handful of dead time stories, we'll have Q&A and then break for lunch. I'll be back promptly at 2 p.m. You do not want to be late. Billy walks over to the flat panel Magnavox television and turns it on. Places a VHS tape into a VCR and the video begins. The title of the video is Your First Day in Hell with Billy Bosheef. The video features a much heavier version of the orientation specialist, Billy Bosheef, indicating he's been doing this for a while. Feel free to take notes. Hi, I'm Billy Bosheef, your tour guide on your first day in hell. You're in our nation's capital of Dante. Leo opens his notepad, as do many in the class preparing to take notes. He notices an empty chair in front of him to his left in the first row. The classroom door opens and a stylishly dressed woman enters the room. She glances at Billy who sits at the head of the class. She seems to apologize and then rushes to her seat. Billy seems displeased. Leo notices a small scar under her right eye that curves slightly under the slope of her pronounced cheekbone. Her attention does not immediately turn to the video already in progress, but to a window nearest her. Leo recognizes her sadness. He also observes many ornate tattoos on her right arm. His attention is suddenly diverted when Leo realizes that the woman is now noticing him staring. He corrects himself, turning back to his notepad and the orientation video. The video shows an aerial view of the mouth of a massive cave attached to the side of a vast, treacherous looking mountain. Billy does not disclose the location of the cave, but provides a stern warning in the video. Miles away from the orientation, Inside the Obsidian Recovery Agency, Captain F.J. Mangut is at her computer. Unbeknownst to the captain, the stout man in the overcoat and worn fedora appears behind her. He stalks slowly towards the captain. Captain! The captain, although not expecting a guest, is unfazed. She locks her computer and stands, turning to the disfigured man.
SPEAKER_01:Pig? The pig? Sorry, I'm never sure how to address you.
SPEAKER_03:How about we just dispense with names altogether?
SPEAKER_01:Sure thing. You see that exit sign over there?
SPEAKER_03:The pig nods, but doesn't answer.
SPEAKER_01:It's really fascinating. When you're inside, it's the only way out. But standing outside of the ORA, it's also the only way in. Or so I thought. You should try using it next time. If these visits are going to become more regular.
SPEAKER_03:You have a new recovery agent starting tomorrow, yes? So I've been told. Mr. Leo Braun. Used to be a detective, yes?
SPEAKER_01:Homicide. Killed in the line of duty, I understand.
SPEAKER_03:That is unfortunate. He needs to be fast-tracked. Here's the case. The pig hands the captain a file.
SPEAKER_01:We normally get our cases through dispatch. A call comes in, we assign an agent, sometimes two. Rarely ever has a case been hand-picked for an agent.
SPEAKER_03:And see, just like that captain, he figured out why I'm here. He sees something in Detective Braun. This case should validate his intuition.
SPEAKER_01:I'll read it over.
SPEAKER_03:You saying no?
SPEAKER_01:I'm not saying no. I'm saying I'll read it over. And I won't put my agents at risk any more than they already are.
SPEAKER_03:And what do you risk and say no? I
SPEAKER_01:think you are the answer to that riddle, Pig. You are a walking, talking, cautionary tale in that regard.
SPEAKER_03:The Pig braces, stealing himself from the retaliation he wishes to meet
SPEAKER_01:out. I think it's time you leave. You'll have my answer tomorrow.
SPEAKER_03:I'll see myself out. The man, known as The Pig, heads for the exit.
SPEAKER_01:Nah. Why don't you go out the way you came in? Wanna see the hole you crawled out of. So I can fill it.
SPEAKER_03:The Pig ignores the captain and leaves the ORA through the exit. The orientation video reaches its finale with a dramatic scene giving off Sound of Music, The Hills Are Alive vibes. The camera pulls away from Billy Bo Sheaf with his arms spread wide. And the video ends. I've lost a few pounds since then, huh? No better diet than the death diet, let me tell you. Having no edible dairy here really helped me keep the pounds away. My love of food knew no bounds back home. Donuts, cake, ice cream, steak, fried chicken. Mmm, mmm, I can still taste it. Um, anyway, my pops were clogged up more than Chewbacca's shower drain. That was 1982, just keeled right over in a Casper Creams donut shop. So, can anyone guess the sin that led me here? The group looks at one another, but most seem reluctant to answer. The brunette in the front raises her hand. Oh, looking to redeem yourself after being tardy? Go ahead, honey. Your name and then your guess. I'm Jillian. Well, hi, Jillian. And your guess?
SPEAKER_01:Gluttony?
SPEAKER_03:Ding, ding, ding, ding. Nice work, girl. Consider yourself redeemed. What about you? Me? Oh. Well, I was husking corn and... Oh, dear lord.
SPEAKER_02:Next. Oh, my turn. I was studying in my dorm at Stanford. There was a citywide power outage. So I lit a few candles so I could read. Anyway, my girlfriend stopped by. Now this is more like it. Anyway, it became that time. So while she was undressing, I tried to open a condom wrapper. Guess I was too excited. But I ripped it open so hard it sent the rubber flying into a lit candle and... I tried to put it out. But I only made the fire worse. Apparently the lubricant was highly flammable. Before I realized it, the dorm room was engulfed in flames. I... I burned to death.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, tragic, but with a happy ending. No pun intended. They banned hot rod condoms after that. So you did the world a solid, I'd say. Now, you think that incident is why you're here? Why I'm here? See, ladies and gentlemen, how you came to pass is rarely the deciding factor on whether you end up here or not. In fact, you could have committed the sin and then lived a lengthy, happy life with your fate already sealed. Take Farmer Joe over there. Seems innocent enough, but in 1933, he cheated on his wife of 47 years with a hooker from Dildo, Newfoundland. The irony. And yes, that is a real place. Grow up, people. But that's not how he died. How did he die, Billy? His angry wife blew his head off with a.44 Magnum Desert Eagle. And why is he here? The group almost in unison responds, lust. Now you're getting it. So, boy with a collar, wanna take a guess why you're here? Don't look at your packet.
SPEAKER_02:Having sex before
SPEAKER_03:marriage? No, nope, uh-uh. When you were 12, you and your friend Toby were playing with a potato cannon. Neither you knew it, but one of those flying spuds obliterated a kitten. Killing kittens is just a big no-no. Its name was Buttersbee. and you splattered Buttersby with a potato cannon. So what sin did the collar boy commit? Say it with me. Oh, come on, someone! Jillian raises her hand again. Raz? It's not a bad guess, but no. The boy burned to a crisp and had no beef with little Buttersby. It's pride, people. Defined as an excessive love of one's own excellence. Pride, baby! Okay, last one. You. Billy points at Leo. What's your name? Uh, Leo Braun. What was your name before he changed it? That is my real name. Really? Hmm. Sounds like you should be running around in tights and a cape, but okay. So why are you here, Leo? I was a homicide detective. Just about 25 years. And then I was killed in the line of duty. Oh, a cop. And what brought you here? I actually don't know. Now, play along, Leo. Everyone else has. No, seriously. It doesn't say. Leo shows Billy the death report, but the reason as... unknown. Hmm. Well, that is peculiar. Well, these details get updated regularly. Okay. Well, thank you, Mr. Braun. Okay, moving on. Wait. What does it mean if you
SPEAKER_01:can't remember how you died?
SPEAKER_03:I remember pieces. Just not the whole puzzle.
SPEAKER_01:And mine is just a blackout. Nothing there.
SPEAKER_03:Well, Jillian, to answer your question... Allow me. The classroom full of new arrivals turns towards the back of the room and the voice is finally revealed. He is impeccably dressed, smoking an exotic cigarette as he walks to the front of the classroom. He carries himself with assured confidence. He has a presence, an electricity. You could see why there are those who are drawn to him, how he manages to be so persuasive. A perfectly cut and styled head of jet black hair, he has the swagger of a member of the Rat Pack. Dark brown eyes. Evenly tanned. Tall. It is unknown if he entered the room by some trapdoor or if he just materialized in the back of the room. But he is here, and the room is paying attention. That's an easy question, Miss Birgit. Some deaths are so traumatic that the shock simply won't allow you to deal with it yet. In time, I assure you, Miss Birgit, the memories will come, probably when you least expect it. And when it does, should it cause you trouble or sleepless nights? Review your manual. There are plenty of highly trained grief counselors at your disposal, 24-7. The class simply stare in awe.
SPEAKER_02:What
SPEAKER_03:else? Are you, uh, you know, the devil? Congratulations to the astute man resembling a toucan in the back. If you must address me, I prefer Satan. What else? Don't be bashful. This is a rare occurrence indeed. Take advantage of it. Why do some people have their names changed? Oh, we have a celebrity in our midst. Well, Herman, the reason is because some of you were named inappropriately in my estimation. We assign names that more accurately represent your true nature. Sometimes I'm just bored. Consistency can be so dull. Would you... change mine? Satan smiles, pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes and taps one out of the package. He places the smoke between his lips. Got a light? Unsure to whom the question is posed, many of the classroom reach in their pockets. Billy Bill Sheaf starts rummaging through a desk drawer. Herman! Got a light? Herman stands, walks slowly towards the front of the class. Standing face to face with Satan, Pulls out a chrome-plated butane lighter. He raises the flame to the tip of the cigarette and lights it. Satan inhales, holding the smoke, and then exhales. The smoke coils around Herman's left shoulder. Anyone know who this is? This will mean something to those of you that get the heebie-jeebies over such things. This is Herman Edward Coxland. He is what you would call a serial killer. Eighteen victims over the course of three years through eight counties in the Midwest. And let me tell you, he was just getting started. Leo turns towards Herman, seeing him in an all-new light. He thinks of the coffee he was offered before orientation. You really are a monster, aren't you? You'll stay, Herman, for now. Have a seat. Mr. Boat Chief, please hand out their assignments. Billy immediately turns to his desk, retrieves a folder, and starts handing out forms to each member of the Orientation. Leo receives his, which includes a badge. The form reads, Obsidian Recovery Agent. Demon Hunter. These are your work assignments. I'll cut the brass tacks. You arrived here in hell. because you did something bad back home. Committed a deadly sin is the popular expression. Yes, some of you could look at this as being punished and make no mistake about it. There are places and things here that are unpleasant. For the longest time, that is all there was. Darkness, torture, pain, suffering. And it all became so boring. We have evolved since then. The fresh air outside, a deli on the corner. That's what this transformation is, and that's what these assignments are for. Do them, and you will live a normal existence, more or less, just like any other run-of-the-mill day back home. You'll go to work. You'll have happy hours. You'll make friends, maybe enemies, maybe fall in love, whatever it is that you want to do, but refuse the assignments. Well, that is a direct ticket to the more historic aspect of this place. You may be kicking yourself in the teeth for ending up here, but let me tell you something. Don't. The rules set before you back home were impossible to live by. That was, by and large, the whole fucking point. The Great Experiment. Take a flawed species, grant them the gifts of selfishness, greed, desires, the propensity for violence, and self-interest, and then tell them the only way to arrive at the place with halos and harps is to deny the very thing they were granted. Talk about a long con. No, no, not here. What I can promise you is that here, you are allowed to give in to what you truly are. Here? Here, you are allowed to be human. So, report to your assignment post first thing in the morning and start anew. My hope is that you enjoy them. If you don't feel it suits you, more often than not, you can be reassigned to something more appropriate. How about a drink? Assistants wheel in carts full of liquor, champagne, beer, hors d'oeuvres and finger foods. Feel free to grab a drink and have something to eat. I'd love to join you, but I'd blow up like a drowned corpse. Leo gets up from his chair and walks over to one of the food trays. He sees an attractive block of chocolate and thinks of the drowning man, Maximilian. He quickly pockets the bar of chocolate. Soon after, Sebastian, Leo's caseworker, arrives. He scans the room and locates Leo, who is now holding a scotch, and perusing the hors d'oeuvre table. Mr. Braun. Hi, Sebastian. What's up? How was orientation? I told you Billy... Yeah, he's something, all right. Orientation? Maybe terrifying? I don't know. and your assignment. What do you think of it? Leo holds up the badge, turning it in the light. Demon honor? Better than fry cook or something. I don't suppose you have a police department. We have organizations that uphold laws, but not exactly what you're used to. Both men look out a window. Satan is standing outside on a mobile phone, puffing on a cigarette with elegance. Is that really him? Yes, the one and only. Whatever happened to the horns and pitchfork? The description of his appearance got slightly distorted over the years. Hey, he looks like... Yes, yes, but shh. That's sort of a sore subject. Jillian approaches Leo and Sebastian. Leo, have you met Jillian? Hey, Jillian. Nice to meet you.
SPEAKER_01:Hi, Leo. That was... interesting.
SPEAKER_03:I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.
SPEAKER_01:Not sure if we ever
SPEAKER_03:will. Sebastian, would you have a few minutes? Sure, I just locked up, but I can spare a few minutes. Leo, if you'll excuse me. Nice meeting you, Leo. Try and get some rest, Leo. Got a big day tomorrow. Sebastian and Jillian leave the impromptu party that has formed. Leo stares at the people. Some in the crowd seem like they're just at a corporate Christmas party, laughing and swapping stories. There are others that distance themselves, unable to accept this new reality. Leo knows he has more in common with the latter. He notices a man standing by himself outside of the group near a bent tree. It's Herman, the serial killer, just staring at Leo. Herman lights a cigarette with his chrome-plated lighter. The warm glow of the flame shines behind his pale blue eyes. Maximilian emerges to the surface of the pond at night, returning from his recurring drowning. Let me ask you something, Max. How many times a day you figure you drown? Oh, it averages about once an hour. I see you found a boat. This better not be a rescue attempt. I don't want to end up at the bottom of a pond, but I might just become your hero tonight. Max, I present to you the finest chocolate the city of Dante has to offer. Holy fucking shit. Leo laughs. He reveals the chocolate, opens the wrapper, and breaks off a chunk. Now, Max, I haven't fed another male except for my son, so I'd appreciate it if you kept this between the two of us. You have my word. Leo places a small chunk of chocolate in Maximilian's mouth. The constantly drowning man scarfs it down. It's true. This is better than sex. Although, I don't even remember what sex feels like. Oh, okay. Look, I don't mind bringing you chocolate, but I do have my limits. Sorry. Yes. Hey,
SPEAKER_00:Leo. Thank you. Thank you.
SPEAKER_03:Sure. Anytime, Max. as Maximilian and Leo enjoy a few laughs in the city of Dante. Back home in Jeffries Point, Massachusetts, in the Bricks apartment building, apartment 1203, Laurie Stryker, aspiring pop singer and artist, returns from her band's latest gig. She is shaking and feverish, throws her backpack against her couch, startling her pet cat, who leaps away in protest. Laurie stumbles towards her bathroom. Lori almost collapses as she anxiously enters the bathroom. She turns on the faucet and splashes cool water against her face. She notices that her face is quivering and her lips are almost being pried open. She grasps her mouth, feeling an unknown force against her lips, as if fighting off an unwanted aberration. Her hands are involuntarily forced away from her and restrained at her sides. She peers closer to the mirror, staring intently at her own wide-open eyes behind them. She views something dark and ominous. The presence stirs behind her fearful eyes. Is...
SPEAKER_00:is
SPEAKER_01:someone there?
SPEAKER_02:Leo Braun is a production of Shoestring TV. You can find us at patreon.com slash shoestring TV, where you can listen to each episode for free or subscribe for only$5 a month. With a subscription, you'll become a member of the Obsidian Recovery Agency, which grants you early access to each episode. Additionally, you'll gain exclusive access to bonus clips, concept art, show notes, direct chats, and merchandise, including the brand new Welcome to the ORA coffee mugs, and so much more. You can also find us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and just about anywhere you listen to podcasts. Leo Braun was written and produced by me, Jason Beard, and starring Stitch Mainville as Leo Braun, Andy Parkin as Narrator 2, Jim Fronk as Satan, and The Pig. Eric Carlino as Billy Boshie, Sebastian, and Herman Edward Coxlin. Melrose Johnson as Captain F.J. Manget. Richie Berry as Maximilian, Tabitha Mixon as Jillian Burkett, and Emily Fry as Laurie Stryker. All music and sound effects provided royalty-free by Soundstripe and Freesound. You can find the artist information in the soundtrack section of our Patreon site. Stay tuned for Leo Braun Episode 5, Hangman, Part 1. Thanks again for listening.