Never Too Festive: Parenting with More Joy & Less Mom Guilt

19. 5 Tips for Boosting Kids' Confidence for Back to School

• Elizabeth Hambleton

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Ever wondered how to ease your child's back-to-school jitters and help them thrive? This episode is your ultimate guide! We dive into the heart of supporting our children exactly where they are, offering practical tips and heartfelt advice based on personal experiences. Learn the power of expressing unconditional love and establishing that a child's worth isn't tied to their achievements. We explore how verbal affirmations, especially during tough times, can work wonders, and why it's essential to sit with your children through their difficult emotions rather than rushing to make them feel better.

Moreover, we discuss fostering authentic communication and the pitfalls of comparisons in parenting. By sharing our own vulnerabilities, we can build stronger connections with our kids, making them feel understood and more likely to open up about their struggles. Discover the importance of accepting children for who they are, empowering them to take the lead in solving their problems, and thereby boosting their confidence and autonomy. So, grab your iced coffee and get ready to embrace your fabulous mom persona while supporting your child's journey with confidence and love!

Grab the confidence Journal on Amazon by clicking here.

Speaker 1:

No matter how old your kids are, back to school is a time of change and adjustment New classes, new teachers, new groups of friends in their classes, new schedules, maybe new activities, could even be a whole new school. There's lots to adjust to. If you are looking for quick and easy to implement tips to help your child face the transition more confidently, this episode is for you. Hey there, mama, and welcome to Never Too Festive, the podcast where we celebrate the extraordinary in everyday motherhood. I'm Elizabeth Hambleton, your host and fellow mom, on a mission to help you rediscover your sparkle, redefine your style and reclaim your sense of self in the midst of motherhood mayhem. Do you ever feel like you've lost touch with the stylish, confident woman you used to be before kids? Are you tired of living in yoga pants and feeling like you've gone from thriving to just surviving? Well, mama, it's time to reclaim joy. Well, mama, it's time to reclaim joy, creativity and style, while embracing the fabulous mom you were meant to be. So grab your iced coffee and join me as we embark on a stylish adventure together, because here on Never Too Festive, there's no such thing as too much sparkle, too much flair or too much celebration. Get ready to shine bright and live your most fabulous, joyful life, because you deserve it. So this episode was actually inspired by the fact that my own kids have been having a little bit of a harder transition this year. I would say I'm not even totally sure why it's been a little bumpier. But I think first let's just normalize that some years are a little smoother, some years are a little rockier, and some kids have a better or worse year and sometimes, objectively, as the parent, it's hard to tell why this is going better or worse than it sort of quote unquote normally does. But I do think it's important to stay out of the judgment zone of thinking, oh, my kids should be fine, nothing's really changed, or they should be doing this or should be doing that, because, regardless of why maybe they're not feeling as confident, it doesn't really matter. Our role as the parent isn't to tell them what they should be doing, it's to support them where they are. So I've been really refocusing on this in our own, my own life, my own household. I've been really refocusing on this in our own, my own life, my own household, and I know that a lot of you are probably also dealing with that back to school transition and looking to set your kids up for a great year ahead, and I hope that these five tips for building confidence are both easy to implement and you can see the results really quickly, so hopefully they're going to be helpful for you and things that you can use both now and, obviously, always going forward.

Speaker 1:

So the first one that I wanted to go over was loving our kids unconditionally, and I know that that sounds obvious and you may be thinking of course I love my kids unconditionally, but I would challenge you to think about how many times do we, as the parents, verbalize that? Do we actually really express in a clear and specific way that love in this household is not earned? That is actually a phrase that I personally use and I think it's really powerful. I do try to work this concept in both when my kids are succeeding and when my child feels like he or she has not succeeded. Sometimes I think it's even more powerful when they come to you excited about an achievement. You don't want to always save this messaging, I think, for when they're struggling, but just to give a little more clarity of how I would do this is that if my child comes to me and says Look, mom, I got 100 on my spelling test. Aren't you proud of me? I would say, yes, I'm so proud of you. I really recognize that you worked hard and you did such a good job. But then I do try to also say verbally out loud, clearly I love that you did such a good job on this. I also want you to remember that if you had gotten a really maybe lower grade, if you'd gotten a 50 or a 70 and it wasn't 100, we would still love you just the same, because your place in this family isn't earned. We are always here for you to support the good and the bad, and today we can celebrate together that you did such a good job and you worked really hard, right. So just, I think taking the time to say it is powerful because just think about any relationship you're in, when someone takes the time to say, hey, I love and respect you or I'm really glad we're friends or something, when they verbalize it it carries a different weight. You might know you're friends with someone, but sometimes it still is nice to hear. Or just think about you like to hear sometimes hey, you look so great in that dress today, that's so, that's cute on you. Just that can be something that's affirming and our kids are the same way. They need to hear it.

Speaker 1:

Also, under the whole idea of loving unconditionally. It is a challenge as the parent to sit with your child in their hard feelings and not try to immediately switch to happier feelings. But there's a lot of research out on how that is so important that if your kid comes and says I'm struggling or I'm sad or I feel lonely or I'm scared to go to class or to try out for the soccer team or whatever they're doing, taking the time to sit with them and not immediately try to band-aid it with something positive but to say hey, I understand, do you want to talk to me about it? I'm here to listen. What about it makes you feel scared or uncomfortable? I've done things in my own life that make me scared or uncomfortable and maybe you share an example. Right, but not immediately saying, oh, it's fine, you have nothing to worry about, because that can feel dismissive, even though we mean it to be positive and affirming, as the parents Like oh no, you're good, you're going to go out for that team, you're going to make it, it's going to be great. We mean that to be positive, but to our kid. The fear is real or whatever negative feeling it is. It's real to them and we don't want to seem like we're dismissing it, even if we have really good intentions for that positivity it even if we have really good intentions for that positivity. So that's something to think about.

Speaker 1:

Your own reaction to your kids' feelings and how they communicate them is giving kids space to have a sort of quote-unquote negative emotion and to know that it's okay and that we aren't scared by that as the parents and we can sit with them and that is brave as the parent. It can be hard to do, but it is really powerful. So number two is helping them practice positive talk. When you hear them saying negative things about themselves, just actually stopping and saying no, I just heard you say I'm so stupid, I can't believe. This is terrible and I did it. Stopping talking to them and having them say out loud something more positive, helping them reframe, say an affirmation not just talking to them about it, but actually having them repeat something out loud that is more positive is powerful and it takes work. Not all kids are receptive to this, but if your kid is receptive and willing to do it with you, it can be very powerful.

Speaker 1:

I've also heard of the power of yet. If you've ever heard of that phrase the power of yet it's a way to positively reframe If a kid says, oh, I'm stupid, I can't even learn how to tie my shoes, and you would say it's okay that you don't know how to tie your shoes Yet you're learning to do that. And you may not know how to do it yet, but the possibility of learning how to do that is 100% ahead of you and we can work on that together. So using the word yet can help you, because sometimes I know as a parent, you think what do I say that is accurate? Because you don't want to lie to them and be like oh, I'm sure you're going to make the soccer team, if you know that there's a good chance that they're not going to make the soccer team right. We don't want to lie, going to make the soccer team right. We don't want to lie, but we do want to have a strategy for how do we encourage them in a way that feels authentic and genuine?

Speaker 1:

And sometimes using the word yet can be a good tool that you can keep in mind. For how do I rephrase positively, but still in a way that feels truthful and authentic, and then they don't come back to you a week later when they don't make the team and say you told me I could make it. It kind of allows for positivity without forcing you to say something that you don't necessarily want to stand behind, because obviously we want to stay with things that are authentic and not promise things we can't control, because that happens in every kid's life. Right, we hope they're going to make the soccer team, but at the end of the day it's not our decision, it's up to the coaches.

Speaker 1:

So, number three I think this one is really powerful. It's letting kids see that you fail and that can be uncomfortable for people, and even fail may not be the right word, but just letting them see that you fail and that can be uncomfortable for people and even fail may not be the right word, but just letting them see you struggle, Letting them see you be uncertain, letting them see you just not have all the answers. Obviously, this is going to be very age dependent. What you would share with a middle schooler is different than what you would share with a preschooler. But I think it can be easy to keep this sort of front or mask on in front of our kids to where we act like everything's fine, I've got it handled, it's no big deal. But I think it's really authentic to share with our kids sometimes when we are a little uncertain or we are struggling or we are trying something new, and showing them that this is an important skill for you to practice now in your own life as a child, because it will be an important skill for you as an adult.

Speaker 1:

So for me this could be something like if I were speaking at a conference and maybe I'm giving a talk to a bigger audience than I'm used to say, so I could talk to my kids about how you know, mommy's going to be going out of town next week. I'm going to speak at this conference. The audience is going to have let's just say it's going to have 500 people and you know that's a little bit bigger of a group than I normally talk to in person and I'm feeling a little nervous about it and I just want you to know that this is a little bit hard for me. But just like I encourage you guys to do things that are a little hard for you and help you grow, this is me doing that and sometimes I even go ahead and ask them like will you still love me as much as your mom If I don't do a very good job at my talk, if I forget something or someone laughs at me? Are you still going to love me when I get home? And of course your kids are like of course, mommy, I love you no matter what. But then it's a good teachable moment to be like and that's how I feel about you guys If you don't make the soccer team or you have a really hard test, I still love you just the same, the same as you're going to love me if my talk doesn't go very well.

Speaker 1:

I think it's just really authentic and it puts the kids in a context that they can understand and at least in our household, having that honest communication really creates connection to where, when they're struggling and you've been open that you struggle too it helps them feel like they can relate to you and that you're not this person who has it all figured out and can't understand what they're feeling. But actually, no, you're a real person and you have the same struggles sometimes. So obviously, how you implement that strategy letting kids see your vulnerabilities is going to need to be nuanced to your family, to your kid's age, to what you're comfortable with. But we can't demand honesty and authenticity from our children if we are not willing to show up in the relationship with those same characteristics. Everyone knows that in a relationship it's a two-way street and if we want our kids to connect with us through the harder years, the middle school years, the high school years, where the things that are on their mind get bigger and have bigger consequences, we have to lay that groundwork of authenticity by bringing vulnerability to the relationship. Obviously it should be age-appropriate, but it is something to the relationship. Obviously it should be age appropriate, but it is something to think about. And maybe it's an area where you can push yourself to be a little bit more vulnerable and just try it out, dip your toe in. You don't have to tell them any deep, dark secret. Just tell them about a meeting at your office today that didn't go quite like you wanted, or a time when you struggled with a friendship and maybe you and the person weren't seeing eye to eye. What did you do about that? What was your strategy for moving ahead? Just being honest and sharing a little bit about your own life can make a big difference and make them more willing to share with you, them more willing to share with you.

Speaker 1:

So number four is resisting the urge or tendency to compare no-transcript, and I think all of us have this in our mind at one point. I certainly would be lying if I had never thought this about my children, but I think it's important that it doesn't actually come out of your mouth Because, thinking about yourself, you don't want to be compared to other people. You want to be accepted for who you are. You don't want your friendship or your partner's relationship or something to be based on your worth in relation to other people. You don't want people to like you because you're thinner or prettier or richer or whatever more successful than someone else. Right, of course you wouldn't. So kids are the same way.

Speaker 1:

It can be easy to think oh, other first graders already know how to read, why don't you know? Or your sister was already potty trained by this age. What's so wrong with you? Or why is this hard for you? Or whatever it is. Your friends are more independent than you are. Why are you scared of this? Or whatever the situation would be, it's not helpful to compare. I think it's not even helpful to compare in a positive way, because it still sets up that question of comparison. I don't think it's really that helpful to say you're reading so much better than the other kids in your class because everyone knows that, okay, that comparison was positive today, but it creates that shadow of but what if it was a negative comparison tomorrow? They have to stay ahead of it.

Speaker 1:

I think comparing either positively or negatively is something we all want to avoid, because we want our kids to feel confident in who they are, not who they are in relation to their peers. Of course I know it's a little hard to get around completely, because things like school admissions or making a sports team or something is fundamentally a comparison. They'll take on a soccer team, whatever the 15 kids who are the best at each tryout. So if you are trying out against people who are amazing, it's going to be harder, and if you're trying out against people who were not, as maybe practiced, then it's easier. So I know that there are obviously natural comparisons, but we don't want our kids to think that what we value or respect in them is in relation to others. So staying away from comparison overall is, I think, very healthy, especially comparisons within the family. I have never seen those go well. When you compare siblings to each other or when other members of your extended family compare your kids to each other. A lot of times it just creates this competitive energy. That is not helpful.

Speaker 1:

So number five is trying to let your kids lead so that they can, in turn, see themselves as a leader. Now, I know that can feel a little hard to apply, so what would be a way to do this tangibly? Sometimes, when my kids are upset or nervous or whatever they're struggling with something, instead of rushing in with what I think are the answers like, oh well, we could do this or we could do that, or we could call this person, giving them some space to sit and think about what do they need, just asking them hey, I can really see that you're struggling with, let's say, being nervous about the first day of school. How can I support you? Is there anything that you need or that we could do to help you feel more ready? And giving them a little space to think about it?

Speaker 1:

Now, they may not obviously have all the answers, so if they think about it and they say I don't know, you can either say okay, why don't you take the evening to think about it yourself and we can come up with strategies tomorrow working together. So give them a little time. Or if you are kind of focused on finding a solution, right, then you can suggest, hey, I'll give you three suggestions or three options and then you let me know what you think would be the most effective, so you can give them kind of multiple choice but still put some of the autonomy and leadership back in their hands, like we could do this, or we could also do this or we could also do this. Which one do you think would support you the best, or which one feels the most comforting, or whatever it is that your kid's struggling with? And then having the chance to choose and to take ownership in sort of both how they currently feel and finding a solution for them, is powerful because, a it actually teaches them the skills so that they can self-soothe, self-problem solve in the future, and, b it helps them feel confident that like, oh, I had a part in that. It's not that mommy or daddy fixed it, but we worked together.

Speaker 1:

And when you work together, eventually they think, oh, okay, I could probably do this on my own. So you're building that confidence while still providing the sort of safety net of support. So I think it's obviously again very age dependent what a middle schooler could come up with is going to be a little more robust and nuanced than what a three-year-old is going to come up with. But you can still offer very simple solutions to younger children to help them build that autonomy and confidence. You just have to obviously tailor the experience to your child's age. So I hope that that was helpful and at least some of those feel easy to implement and productive and know that confidence is something that most of us are still working on as adults. A lot of these same strategies are things that you could use in your adult relationships. You could use in your marriage or partnership, that a lot of these things are things that all of us could benefit from and that the more that we have positive self-talk and strategies like that in our own life, the more we're modeling good confidence for our children and inherently we're helping them build confidence by just showing them good, healthy habits.

Speaker 1:

If you like the idea of helping your kid with confidence. But you do feel like you need a little bit more structure, I will drop the link for a journal that I highly recommend. It's called Super Thoughts, super Power. You can grab it on Amazon. It's called Super Thoughts Super Power. You can grab it on Amazon. It's a parent-child journal for positivity, gratitude and confidence and you can go through it. You could do it day by day or you could just do it a couple days a week, whatever works for you. And it's a parent-child style, meaning that there's a page for the parent to answer and a page for the child to answer for the parent to answer and a page for the child to answer and you can do it together and it really fosters some of these conversations, gives you a framework and a guideline, gives you prompts and it can be a really powerful way to connect with your child and support them heading into a new school year or really anytime. So I will link it. It's not super expensive on Amazon and I think that it's a great tool. I've used it with my own children and I just wanted to share that as a resource if you wanted a little bit more structure to helping your kid with confidence. So I hope that was helpful and I can't wait to see you next time.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for joining me today on Never Too Festive. I hope you are leaving feeling inspired and refreshed. If you've loved what you've heard, don't keep it to yourself. Share this podcast with a friend who could use a little extra sparkle in her life. And hey, while you're at it, why not leave a review on your favorite podcast platform? Your feedback helps us continue to grow and inspire more women. Like you have questions or feedback you want to share directly with me? Simply click the link in the show notes to send me a text. I'd love to hear from you. Until next time, remember, all we have is today, so let's choose to live our most fabulous, joyful life together.