Never Too Festive: Parenting with More Joy & Less Mom Guilt

21. Coping with Loneliness: How to Make New Friends as an Adult

• Elizabeth Hambleton

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Feeling lonely? You’re not alone. On this deeply personal episode of Never Too Festive, I, Elizabeth Hambleton, dive into the often unspoken struggle of loneliness, especially during significant life transitions. Through sharing my own family's recent shifts, including my son's adjustment to a new school, we touch on how loneliness is a universal experience that many face. But don’t despair—there’s hope. We explore ways to normalize these feelings and provide actionable tips to help you build and nurture new friendships, ensuring you keep a positive mindset along the way.

In the second half, we unpack the journey of developing and nurturing friendships, likening it to welcoming people into different rooms of your home. We emphasize the organic growth of relationships and share practical advice on how to create opportunities for genuine connection. Whether it’s starting a book club, finding a running partner, or organizing casual meet-ups, you’ll find inspiration to cultivate deeper connections and meaningful rituals. Let’s reclaim the joy and sparkle every fabulous mom deserves—together.

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Hello and welcome to another episode of Never Too Festive. I'm your host, elizabeth Hambleton. The fall is inevitably a time of transition for so many of us. We have new activities, new schedules, maybe new schools. I know for my family, this year has been a lot of transition. We've been doing all of those things that are new, and being in new environments with people I don't know had me thinking a lot about friendship and loneliness.

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If you have ever struggled to feel connected or make new friends as an adult, then this episode is for you. I'm going to be giving some very actionable and easy tips for creating and fostering new connections, as well as some encouragement if you are feeling lonely. Know that you are not alone. Hey there, mama, and welcome to Never Too Festive, the podcast where we celebrate the extraordinary in everyday motherhood. I'm Elizabeth Hambleton, your host and fellow mom, on a mission to help you rediscover your sparkle, redefine your style and reclaim your sense of self in the midst of motherhood mayhem. Do you ever feel like you've lost touch with the stylish, confident woman you used to be before kids? Are you tired of living in yoga pants and feeling like you've gone from thriving to just surviving? Well, mama, it's time to reclaim joy, creativity and style, while embracing the fabulous mom you were meant to be. So grab your iced coffee and join me as we embark on a stylish adventure together. Iced coffee and join me as we embark on a stylish adventure together, because here, on Never Too Festive, there's no such thing as too much sparkle, too much flair or too much celebration. Get ready to shine bright and live your most fabulous, joyful life, because you deserve it. So first off, I really want to normalize the idea of loneliness. Even before covid, one in two americans reported feeling lonely measurable levels of loneliness, according to the us surgeon general. So that means that even before we all got stuck at home which I think made all of us feel a little bit more isolated and a little bit more lonely one in two half of us had at least periods where we felt measurably lonely. So I do want to say that if you ever feel lonely or you feel disconnected, or you feel like you don't have the friend group you want or the steadiness of connection, just know that you're not alone. Literally, we're all in that together and it's just a super, super common feeling. I think that one of the sort of malignant parts of loneliness is that obviously it inherently feels isolating. And then the more isolated we feel, the more we feel like it's just us, and that can create exacerbated feelings of loneliness. And so then you just get stuck in this cycle where the lonelier you feel, the more alone you feel in the loneliness, and there you go, you just kind of spiral. So know that if you have times where you feel lonely, or you've struggled with this in the past, or you're facing a transition where you're in a new environment and it's making you feel lonely, that that is very, very normal and pretty much all of us have been there at some point and statistically, half of us are there at any given point. So I just wanted to start with that. It is something that is worth putting some effort into rectifying, because a lack of connection can have actual physical consequences like increased risk of heart disease, increased risk of stroke, they even say increased risk of dementia. So obviously we don't want any of those things for you. Plus, we just want you to feel more joy. This podcast is all about connection, celebration, joy, and I think that those things can feel hard or out of reach sometimes, but we are all about making it easier and more tangible steps to get there, to create those things, and that's why I wanted to focus on friendship and connection for this episode. This topic has partially been on my mind because my son started a new school this year. This is the first time he has been at a new school in quite a while, since 2019. So he'd been in his old school for a number of years.

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I was very involved. I knew so many people. I knew the teachers, the administration, tons and tons of the parents. I was on the PTA board. I run the food pantry. I really felt a lot of community there and I didn't even just sort of know people's names A lot of people. I really I knew them pretty well and I liked that. And now he's at a new school and it has me thinking about that transition and how, even if we do our best to create community where we are, there will inevitably be times in life where we're pushed into new communities and that inherently has a sense of loneliness with it. When I walk around his new school, which seems lovely and I'm sure the people are wonderful I just don't know them yet. There is that sense of oh, now I have to start over, I have to start from scratch. I don't know them yet. There is that sense of oh, now I have to start over, I have to start from scratch. I don't know a single parent at this school. So I wanted to go over some tips that I think can be really helpful and that I will be practicing in my own personal transition, and I hope that they're helpful for you.

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Whether you're facing a transition or you're just looking to get more connected in the community or in the environment where you currently are, know that there are people out there. I know it can feel sometimes like there's no one there, kind of like when you're dating and you just feel like you go on bad date after bad date after bad date and you feel like, oh, there's no one left. There are people out there. The first thing is having a positive mindset. The more you tell yourself there's no one out there, no one wants to be my friend, I'm not cool or I'm not available or whatever it is that you tell yourself about why you feel like you want more connection, if you approach it with a super negative attitude, you're just not going to attract the right opportunities and the right people. So number one just try to keep a positive mindset, be open to who you meet, be open to what they offer you. Number two, which is related but different, is that different people are going to bring different things to your life. Not every friend is going to be a best friend and the interesting thing about loneliness is that it is tied to the quality of connection. We all want quality connection but we have to be realistic about the fact that that takes time to build.

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I once heard this analogy about friendship that I thought was really interesting and easy to picture and they said to picture your friendship world or your sphere, kind of all the people who you're friends with in a house, and that your life is the house in this analogy and your friends are in different rooms. So if your life is a house, maybe you have some friends who are just front porch friends. They are still on the outside, they're on the outskirts. You're getting to know them and you're happy to have them there, but they don't really see inside who you are too deeply. They kind of don't know your dirty secrets or maybe your true thoughts as much. They're just keeping it more casual. They're on the porch. It's a little bit of a looser acquaintance and that level of friendship still has a place in life. Not everyone needs to be at the same level of intimacy with you. So then, so you have people on the porch, then you might have people in your life. Maybe you eat with them, perhaps you vacation with them. They see more of your inner thoughts, your true sense of who you are.

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You invite them in a little bit more than people who are just on your porch, but maybe they still stay in what we'd call the public areas of the house the living room, the kitchen. They don't know everything. And then, if you think about it, there are just a few people who you would invite to go anywhere in your house. If you think about this in real life, it's probably true. Right, when you have company over, there are certain people that stay in the more public areas. And then your very best friend you might invite all the way into your closet in your bedroom to help you pack for a trip. But you wouldn't invite everyone you've ever met all the way into your more intimate areas of your home, right, A lot of us have messy closets and we wouldn't want to show it off to someone we didn't know as well.

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And if you think about that as a metaphor, for we all invite people into our lives at different levels and it's healthy and normal for people to spend some time kind of easing in or leveling up, to be on the outskirts and just be casual friends and then some of them will make the leap to being people that you spend more time with or you would eat with or you know, go on maybe short trips with, and then you over time develop those friendships that you would show anything to, that are invited even into the more personal areas of your life. And just know that it takes time to move people through that process. Most of us find very few people in our lives that we just immediately click with and it's mutual, and you race to that most intimate level of friendship that sometimes it can be really detrimental to the friendship when you try to rush people into a level of friendship they're not ready for. So just give people space to get to know you, for you to get to know them, for there not to be a lot of expectations, not a lot of pressure, whether that's in terms of time or reciprocating attention or whatever it is, because you know some people may totally be interested in becoming better friends with you, but they might have a really crazy schedule or they might work a lot, or they might just have trouble staying on top of their text messages. Don't assume the worst about someone just because it's taking a while to get to know them. A lot of people are really open to connection. It just takes them a while to get the logistics figured out.

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Number three this is a trick that I recommend for a lot of people and I think that it is very authentic, and if you do it a couple times, you will start to find people. So what I suggest is that you send the invitation you wish you would receive. Send the invitation you wish you would receive. So what do I mean by that? What I mean is we all have invitations to events or activities that we would be thrilled to get. Like what kind of activity would you be excited for someone to invite you to? Whatever that is, there's someone out there who would be equally excited to get an invitation from you to go do that activity. So I really enjoy reading and I started a book club this year and I don't know that anyone else in that book club would have started it, but they've enjoyed doing it with me and it's been a way to get together and it's added some regularity to seeing people.

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And a lot of people are like that.

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They won't necessarily start an activity, but they're open to receiving an invitation. So what is it that you like? Maybe you wish you had a running buddy. There's lots of people out there who run. Just go ahead and invite someone. Hey, these are the times I run in the week. Could you run with me? Would you be interested in that? Do you want to do a race together?

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Just start inviting people. Don't take it personally. If they can't make it or they say no or it doesn't work out for whatever reason, it just means it wasn't the right time and the right person for that activity. It's not personal. Just think of all the times that you've been invited to things or like kid birthday parties or anything like that, where you're like, oh, I would, but I just can't. I just have too many other things, or you're busy with work, or you're traveling or just doing a million different things. It's not personal. So get creative. Have a little fun with this. Maybe you want to cook. Invite someone over on a weekend to make a fun dinner with you.

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Maybe you work from home and you just feel lonely, being alone all the time. If you know someone else who works from home, see if they could meet at a coffee shop one afternoon a week and maybe you don't even talk that much, you just do your work, but you have that companionship to do it with you. Little things like that can become rituals in your week that really add a sense of comfort and familiarity and become things that you look forward to. Number four if you are feeling a little intimidated by the idea of inviting someone to an event that you're planning like inviting people to go running or starting some sort of activity or event or hosting it, if that is feels overwhelming, then one step easier is just inviting someone to come along with you to an event that's already planned. There are so many ways that you can do this. One super easy example is If you're going to something like a PTA meeting at your kid's school, ask another mom hey, are you going? Do you want to sit together? Just having that sense of like I'm going with someone and I'm not going to be alone in a giant auditorium can be the first step in becoming better friends with someone and having a contact that is more familiar at a school, or invite someone to try a workout class near you and go to the gym together.

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I had, you know, the years that I had a gym buddy were the most physically fit years of my entire life. I got in shape for someone else's wedding because she wanted a gym buddy and it was amazing. I loved it. We definitely became better friends working out together and we just had more fun doing it. It didn't take any extra work, it didn't take any extra planning. We just looked at the schedule of classes and picked which ones we were going to go to. And there you go. We did it for years.

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There are so many ways you can do this, so many price points. I mean it could be anything from free local meetups in community around you to things at schools, things at churches, things I mean all over like community events, even just meeting at, say, a brewery that's having a fall festival or like a new release night or something. There's tons of stuff you can do. A lot of. It comes down to being the one to make the first outreach. I see this with my own kids. Sometimes they'll come home and say no one wanted to play with me at recess and I'll say did you ask anyone or invite anyone to play with you? Well, no, no, I was waiting for them to ask for me and I know it's so natural. It's totally normal to want people to invite you. But the more you put yourself out there, you'll create connections and then people will reciprocate. You will get invited to more things. It's just sometimes important to be the one to take the first step.

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I think, lastly, the other thing is just holding friendships loosely, and what I mean by that is not that you don't value them. I'm not saying that they're disposable. I'm not saying anything negative. What I am saying is that we have to give people in our lives the space to grow and change and evolve, and that's true in your kids, but it's also true in your adults. There are things that will change the logistics of people's lives, things like kids' schedules, school schedules, jobs, marriages.

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When people make big transitions in their own lives, it may impact your relationship with them, and that can be hard. It can feel like a loss If you used to do something all the time. Say, you used to be gym buddies and you would always go to a certain exercise class together, but now they've taken a new job and they can't make that time anymore. It can be easy to feel resentful or discouraged that they aren't maybe it feels like they're not prioritizing you or just sort of to feel upset about the loss of that connection, and that's so normal. But it is important to remember that friendships are going to evolve. They're not static, even if you really really want them to be. People are going to grow and change and you're going to grow and change and giving everyone in the relationship the space they need to evolve and to respect that the expectations of the relationship can be held a little bit loosely Now.

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I'm not saying that you should let people have terrible boundaries or be abusive or any of those things, but I am saying to give people grace, to know that most of us are doing the best we can and that if people are changing or someone who used to do something with you isn't doing it anymore, it's okay both to give them some space and to find other connections. You can be loyal to your current or past friends and still work on widening your circle. That is totally allowed and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I know some people who have a lot of guilt when they feel like, oh, I'm not hanging out with so-and-so anymore, I feel like I'm moving on from them, and I just want to encourage you with the fact that that's healthy and normal and you should be with people who affirm you and help you grow and help you develop yourself and encourage you.

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Brene Brown talks about candlelight blower outers and that our spirit, our joy, our inner sense of self is like the flame of a candle, and bad friends, bad coworkers, bad people in our lives blow out that candle in an attempt to diminish us or make us feel less than, and that true friends protect your flame when the winds of change or the winds of challenge come by. And I think that's such a beautiful illustration of what friendship can be. And I just encourage you to take the first step, to not be afraid and to go this week, make one small invitation and connect with someone, help them to protect their own flame, find people who protect the flame of your life and know that if you consistently reach out to people, you will eventually build the connection that we all want and we all need in our lives. It can be something simple like look around your friend group and meet one new mom at school, or ask one person if they'd like to do something for their upcoming birthday, or suggest one mom's night at a local like winery or beer room or coffee shop if you don't like to drink, whatever it is. Just take one small action and make that effort to connect with someone. I think that even if it's uncomfortable, you will find that it is worth it and the results are definitely worth the initial discomfort. So I hope that was inspiring. I hope that you feel encouraged and know that you can find connection. Just step out of your comfort zone and send one person an invitation that you would be happy to receive, and know that there are people out there like you. There are lots of people with your interests and they are just waiting for someone to make the connection so you can go be that person and brighten someone else's day.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for joining me today on Never Too Festive. I hope you are leaving feeling inspired and refreshed. If you've loved what you've heard, don't keep it to yourself. Share this podcast with a friend who could use a little extra sparkle in her life. And hey, while you're at it, why not leave a review on your favorite podcast platform? Your feedback helps us continue to grow and inspire more women. Like you, have questions or feedback you want to share directly with me, simply click the link in the show notes to send me a text. I'd love to hear from you. Until next time, remember, all we have is today, so let's choose to live our most fabulous, joyful life together.