Inside Marcy's Mind

Stop Saying Sorry

• Marcy • Season 1 • Episode 68

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Ever catch yourself saying “sorry” before you’ve even done anything wrong? That tiny word can become a constant leak in our confidence, time, and peace. We pull the thread on over-apologizing and reveal how it gets trained into us, why it sticks, and what it costs—especially during busy seasons when expectations and exhaustion run high.

We move from awareness to action with a practical “apology retirement list.” You’ll hear how to swap vague apologies for clear language that respects you and others: “excuse me” instead of “sorry,” “thank you for waiting” instead of “sorry I’m late,” and the revolutionary power of “No” as a complete sentence. We talk about rest as maintenance, not failure; setting do-not-disturb boundaries so your phone works for you; and choosing peace over chaos when family patterns heat up. Along the way, we tackle the right to change your mind and why you never need to justify sobriety. Honesty matters, but delivery matters too—truth lands best when paired with care, not cruelty.

We also name the few times apologies truly matter: when harm is real, when we miss what’s meaningful, or when fear speaks louder than love. Keeping apologies rare and sincere restores their power. By the end, you’ll have language you can use today, stories that make the shift feel possible, and a steadier sense that you don’t owe the world an apology for who you are. If you’re ready to retire needless sorrys and stand in your life with clarity and warmth, press play and share your own “no more apologies” moment. If this resonates, subscribe, leave a review, and pass it to a friend who needs the reminder.

SPEAKER_00:

Hi! Actually, hello and welcome to Inside Marcy's Mind. My name is Marcy Backett and I am your host. Well, hello friends, and welcome back to Inside Marcy's Mind. Sorry, bizarre opening, but you know, these things happen. Anyways, sometimes I just forget what I'm doing or who I'm talking to, or you know, a multitude of things could have happened. I get distracted here, I get distracted there, I get distracted everywhere, me and Dr. Seuss. Anyways, again, welcome back to Inside Marcy's Mind. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. And today we are going to talk about something I've spent decades doing, often without realizing it. And it irritates me when I hear other women do it, but I continue to do it. So, and I'm not irritated at the woman, I'm irritated at the behavior. Let me clear that up. Do you know what behavior that is that all of us women share? All of us. It's called apologizing. We apologize for everything. You're in the grocery store, you cut in front of someone just because and you're sorry. We're sorry for everything. We're sorry that we shut the car door too loud. We're sorry, we're sorry, we're sorry, we're sorry ad nauseum. Apologize, apologize, apologize. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry to bother you. I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry I need help. I'm sorry I feel this way. I'm sorry for existing. Good God. I'm talking about the automatic reflexive unnecessary apologies. And we all do it. So we are going to talk about that today, but until before that, let's talk about how freaking cold this December has been here in Chicago. Beautiful, lots of snow, gorgeous, but dang cold. It's not supposed to be this cold until February. This weekend we're going to be below zero with wind chill and probably below zero without wind chill. Um, and then it's gonna go up to 45 next week, which is downright freaking balmy. So who knows? Got a lot going on, had a lot this weekend. This week, Craig and I married 34, 35 years. Can't get that right. Went out to dinner. We went to zoolights this week, we went out to dinner. Um, it's been a delightful week. I've got a lot of things coming up. I've got luncheons, I've got uh plays, I have musical things, all kinds of stuff. Just it's a great holiday season here in Chicago. Living downtown during the holidays is one of the best parts about living downtown. Enjoy it very much. As you all know, I'm ad nauseum, sick of hearing me talk about how much I love Chicago, but I do. I love being a city girl. I loved being a uh what the hell is it called? The suburbs. I love being a suburban girl when I was one. I've loved everything. And and right now, this is my okay. So there's a little weird break in this podcast because Craig came in, but normally I just wouldn't even acknowledge that Craig came in and I would edit this perfectly, but I just have to laugh because Craig was working, it's Friday, and he was working in the business center downstairs. Now, you all, if you haven't go back and listen to our real estate dealings that went awry. The real estate agent that did us wrong lives in this building. Her name is Lauren, and I have not seen her, but she runs into Craig quite often and runs the other way. And she should, because she treated us very poorly as clients. She sees us as the enemy, but we don't see it that way. Anyway, Craig said she walked into the business center, saw him, and ran out 10 minutes later, came back, and then she sat at the desk that faced the wall. So he thought that was pretty funny. I think that's pretty funny. But yes, um, back to, and I don't my voice got very high pitched on that last part of this audio, and I did not like it. So I will try to keep it back at my regular pitch, which is definitely not high. Anyways, I did love living in the suburbs, but I do love living in the city. And uh again, great time. I've got an appointment um I have to head to, which is uh gonna tell me whether I have cancer in my liver and my thyroid. So I don't think I do, but they seem to have seen something. I think it's just a ghost. Anyways, I'm gonna be fine, but I'll let you know on next week's episode what they found. Anyways, let's get started. Let's talk about those unnecessary, unneeding apologies us women do. Oh my god, I'm sorry to bother you. I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry I need help. I'm sorry I feel this way. I'm sorry for existing. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, and if you're a woman of a certain age, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We apologize like it's punctuation. And lately, especially this time of year, I've certainly realized there are things I'm just done apologizing for. So today I'm going to share my personal apology retirement list. These are apologies I am no longer going to make. And if I do, and if you know me, call me out. For God's sakes, call me out. Okay. We didn't wake up one day and decide to diminish ourselves. We were trained. Let me repeat that. We were trained. Just like you train a dog, we were trained to apologize. We were trained to be polite, to be agreeable. For goodness sakes, don't be difficult. And for God's sakes, don't take up too much space. Add aging, exhaustion, family expectations, technology, grief, and sobriety, and suddenly we're apologizing apologizing just to survive conversations. Yeah, we were trained. And again, that's nobody's fault. They were trained too. When a young girl apologizes to me for one of those inane things for bumping into me or all you have to do is say excuse me. You don't have to say I'm sorry. And these days I find myself helping young girls see that. You know what? It's okay. You don't need to apologize. There's nothing to apologize for, for whatever that may be, for whatever that situation may be called. You know, you you bumped into me. All you have to do is say excuse me, or I'm, you know, not I'm sorry. See, I almost said it. All you have to do is say excuse me. That's all we need to say, but we always say, I'm sorry. It comes out of us like, I don't know, it just comes out way too easy. So start thinking about it when you're out and you're about and you're doing it and try to stop yourself. You can say something, just not an apology. Okay. First thing I'm not apologizing anymore. No is a complete sentence. I don't need to apologize. I don't need to say I'm sorry. No, I can't do it. Not no, I'm sorry, I can't be on your committee, or no, I'm sorry, I can't join you, or no. Just no. No is a complete sentence. That's a hard one, people. And I've worked on that one for a very long time. So no is a complete sentence. If somebody's asking you to do something and you don't want to do it, guess what? You don't have to, and you don't have to apologize for it. Nor I want you to also flip yourself over as a receiver. If I ask you to do something and you say no, I need to accept that. I don't need an explanation, and I don't need someone to apologize to me. Don't accept apologies from women anymore, the I'm sorry's when it's not necessary. Help other women see there's no need to apologize. It's okay. I just thought I'd ask. I understand. Be agreeable, be receptive. Needing rest. Rest is not a moral failure. You know what? I get up in the morning, I get up at five. I do things. I do things around the house. I get things done. I go to the gym. They, I go to the gym. I'm sorry, Kyle just texted me, and it's Kyle's first day at a new job. So I got distracted. Anyways, um, rest is not a bad thing. Rest is a good thing. We need to rest. I come home from the gym, I make myself some lunch, and Patrick and I have our afternoon rest. We watch some TV and usually nap. You know what? It's not a moral failure. It's okay. And I'm not going to apologize for it. It's what I do. It's my life. Now I'm retired. I could do what I want. So I'm not apologizing for resting. It's a necessary part of my life. Oh, I'm also not apologizing for changing my mind. I reserve the right to change my mind for the rest of my freaking life. I can change it, I can change it back, and I don't have to apologize to anyone. I may say, yes, I want to be on a committee, and then guess what? You know what? It's just not working in my life. I don't want to be on it anymore. Here's one for you. For the last two years, I've run the stewardship campaign at our cathedral. A very successful stewardship campaign, might I add. I've enjoyed doing it. I've put it together. I have made notes. I have created a formula for them to continue doing it with ability to be changed. I'm not going to do it next year, and I'm not apologizing. I have done it for two years. Craig and I like to travel in the fall. I want to be able to travel and not worry about the stewardship campaign. Sorry, you know, my mind is these days. All right, what else? I'm protecting my sobriety sobriety. This one stays firm. Holiday parties, everything. I'm not apologizing for not drinking. And that's one I don't know if I ever did, but I'm not gonna. Gonna. I am not going to. I don't drink. Haven't drank for January 11th. I'll be 38 years. I don't need to apologize for it to you or anybody else. What else? Not responding immediately. My phone works for me, not you. If I get an email, if I get a text, I will respond when I feel like responding, and I don't have to say I'm sorry. You don't either. People, your phone works for you. You don't work for it. Just remember that. You know, we didn't used to be available 24-7. These freaking phones make us available 24-7. Set yourself some parameters. Turn, I turn, my phone goes off. The ring, first of all, my ringer's never on. Secondly, um, at seven o'clock at night till seven in the morning, um, it's in do not disturb mode. If I want to look at it, I do. If I don't, I don't. Set yours into do not disturb mode anytime you want. Maybe, hey Patrick, maybe our afternoon nap time, we're gonna set it in do not disturb mode. He's napping right next to me. Wanting peace more than chaos, peace is a choice. If you're choosing chaos, that's on you. Just saying. Having boundaries with families. If this is a problem for you, odds on you. You set your boundaries with your kids, your husband, your sisters, your brothers, your grandparents, your parents, if you're lucky enough to still have them. You get to set your boundaries and you don't have to apologize to anyone. They are your stinking boundaries. My oldest sister has set some clear boundaries, and good for her. Setting boundaries isn't always easy. But you get to set them, and you don't have to apologize to anybody for those boundaries. You know? And if those boundaries don't include you, well, yeah, sometimes it sucks. I'm not gonna lie. It hurts. But again, other people get to set their boundaries, and so do you, and nobody has to apologize for boundaries. Nobody. Okay, this one is a rough one because my mother could be downright nasty and mean, and she would call it being honest. I do agree that choosing honesty is a good thing. But when honesty is gonna hurt someone, make sure you deliver it with as much kindness as you possibly can. You don't have to apologize for being honest, but being honest, if it's gonna really hurt someone, don't do it. That's just cruel. And I don't agree with being cruel. Now, think about that. That's a tough one, you know, because we do want to be honest. Do these pads make me look fat? Well, they're not the most flattering for your figure. You don't have to say, yeah, they make you fat. I'm being honest. No, but you can say, you know what, I've seen you in pants that make you look a lot better. There's ways to deliver honesty in news that isn't hurtful. And remember, if you ask if they make me look fat, and I say yeah, you have to accept that too, because you asked. But if you don't want to be an asshole, think about how you honestly answer. And don't apologize. I'm sorry, I'm just being honest. I can't stand that either. You can say, Well, you asked. But again, try to try to deliver certain things with some tact and decorum. What am I still gonna apologize for? I'm gonna apologize when I hurt someone. If I don't know, I hurt you, if you don't tell me I don't know. But if I am clear in my delivery of something and I know I've hurt you, I need to apologize. If I ever miss something important that I was invited to or asked to, you're darn right I'm gonna apologize. But if I've been invited to something and I can't because I have other plans, I'm not gonna say I'm sorry. I'm gonna say, you know what? I have other plans. As women, we don't have to apologize for everything. When I act out of fear instead of love, you know, kids, I don't think my kids listen to a dang one of my podcasts, but neither does my husband for that matter. Um if I act out of fear instead of love, I'm gonna apologize. And I want you to know, when my kids were growing up, I acted a lot out of fear because I didn't know, I didn't understand. It was my first time being a parent. Their first time being a kid. But I will apologize for that. Just know if you are tired this holiday season, you are not broken, you're just tired. Take a rest. And what you do owe the world an apology for oh, excuse me, I did not say that right. And you do not owe the world an apology for who you are right now. Who you are right now has taken years to create, years to cultivate. I think all of us work on ourselves. If we don't, maybe it's time you do. And I'm not gonna apologize for saying that. I know I've worked on myself for a long time, had progress in places, slid back in others, moved forward in others, but I'll tell you one thing. I do not owe the world an apology for who I am right now. I hope this helped you. I hope you learned a little something. I always try to bring you something. I want you to know I've got a new podcast coming out, hopefully next week. Been working hard at it. It's called Unbottled. And it's all things sobriety. But you know what? You don't have to be on a sober journey, sober curious, any of those things to listen to this. You know, things that people do to help themselves get sober are things that all people can incorporate into their lives. You just don't get to go to our great meetings and listen and learn and feel better and help yourself. Let me tell you something. Even being a normie, you could learn a lot from us sober people. So I say, listen to my new podcast, Unbottled. It'll be dropping next week. The theme is it, the theme of it is sobriety uncorked, unfiltered, and unapologetically real. All right. Well, I'll keep working on that, working on everything else, working on not apologizing. I am a work in progress as we all are. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. Remember, go out and do something positive. Talk to you next week.

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Marcy Backhus

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