Inside Marcy's Mind

The Mental Load, Unmasked

• Marcy • Season 1 • Episode 69

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The quiet weight that keeps families afloat has a name—and it’s heavier than most people admit. We dive into the mental load with raw, everyday stories: the constant planning behind dinner, the whiplash of medical appointments, the emotional labor of smoothing conflicts, and the tech-driven reality where “savings” hide behind apps. If you’ve ever been the calendar keeper, the medical historian, the emotional buffer, and the household IT support, this conversation will feel uncomfortably familiar and deeply validating.

We talk candidly about how that invisible work so often falls to women, even after kids are grown. Adult children still need support, partners rely on the “person who knows,” and the to-do list expands as we age—finances, specialists, pet care, travel, and the nagging feeling that time is tighter. There’s humor here, too: free Fry Fridays that require app fluency, coupon stacks that turn a $60 bill into $22, and the absurdity of spending energy to save a few dollars when bandwidth is already thin. The point isn’t perfection. It’s permission to set limits and share the load.

Practical shifts are the thread that holds it together: stop automatically picking everything up, share ownership not just tasks, say out loud what you can’t carry, and let a few corners stay imperfect. Boundaries aren’t punishment—they’re protection. And when the day wins, a nap with the cats can be a reset, not a failure. You are not broken; you are overloaded. If this resonates, pass it to someone who needs the words, then subscribe for more honest conversations that trade shame for clarity. Leave a review to tell us the one invisible job you’re ready to put down.

SPEAKER_00:

Hello, and welcome to Inside Marcy's Mind. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. Well, welcome back to Inside Marcy's Mind. Today we're talking about the mental load, that invisible weight of remembering, managing, planning, and carrying everyone else's needs. You can be sitting still and still be exhausted because your brain never clocks out. Does that sound like you? Now, I'm gonna step out on a limb here, not to offend anybody else in my audience, but I do believe this speaks mainly to women. If you're a man and this is speaking to you, I'm impressed. I'm impressed. But I do believe that this mental load of remembering, managing, planning, and carrying everyone else's needs is something that women do. Now you would think, Craig and I, it's just Craig and I now kids have moved on. It doesn't change. I've got two adult kids who have run into snags in adulthood. I've taken on those challenges with them, supported them, and helped them. Thank you, Lord Jesus. We are all on the right path, and everybody is happy. And Kyle has found a job that just loves Kyle. Kyle loves the job. We were just texting back and forth while I was setting up this podcast. As a mom, that makes me happy. But you know, we carry everyone else's needs. It is what we do. And I call that the mental load. So we're gonna talk about that today. But before we get there, we're gonna talk about the stinking weather. I it's been crazy here in Chicago. It's hot, it's cold, it's hot, it's cold, and hot. I mean 40 degrees, but all of you know when it's been below zero, that's hot. So weather is that universal language that everybody talks about. Uh, my son Alec was um on a great vacation, went to the city of Mexico, Mexico City, and um said that dad and I would really like it. So I think we're gonna create a trip to go down there. We've talked many times about retiring down in Mexico when Craig is done here in the next four years, and uh never thought about Mexico City. So I'm thinking about it. We're gonna go down and check it out. Um, yeah, we've talked, Craig and I have talked a long time about that. I I've got to get my my gumption and get myself learning Spanish. I I know a little bit of Spanish just enough to probably get myself in and out of trouble. But I really would like to get my Spanish on point. So there is a place here, uh a great learning center in downtown Chicago for Spanish. When I get back from my six-week trip to the West Coast, my cruise, my 65th birthday in Vegas, and all the other wonderful things I'll be doing, I'm gonna buckle down and get myself into Spanish classes. So keep me to my word, everybody. And that's what that's what's been going on with me. You know, it's been an insane medical year for me. I have had all kinds of medical stuff, not just my cancer and getting through that. I have a rare genetic disorder that's misbehaved this year greatly. It's something that gets worse as you get older, so you can imagine I'm getting worse. I've I've paid for that. Um what else? Oh, I tripped and fell into the street and cracked my head and got stitches and just, you know, it's been a year. I had a doctor come in, a rheumatologist that I was seeing this week, come in and she said, you know, I read your chart. I expected you to look a lot worse. And that's just because my chart is off the chain. I've been in the emergency room four times this year. Um I'm looking for a better year. You know, I I always go into the year positive. Um, in the next few weeks, our podcast, next week actually, our podcast will be about setting intentions. I don't believe in um, what do they call those resolutions, but I do believe in setting your intentions. I do believe that we have the power to create good in our lives, um, just as we have the power to create negative. Now, that doesn't mean I brought cancer onto myself, but how I dealt with it was in a positive manner. It kept me in a positive mind frame. It went well, my cure and my treatment. Um, so that's kind of what I'm talking about. So we'll talk about that in the next few weeks. For now, we're gonna um talk about that mental load. All right, I'm not gonna even do it a transfer over today. On my other podcast, inside, I'm sorry, Aging A for Sissies, I talked about some of the put pluses of aging. So jump over when you're done with this one and listen to that one, or vice versa. Um, so what is the mental load? The mental load isn't just doing tasks, it's remembering that they exist. It is anticipating needs, keeping lists in your head, and managing the details no one sees. Making dinner is work, but remembering what's for dinner, who eats, what, and when you're too tired to cook, that's the load. Even just for Craig and I, even just for Craig and I, dinner can still play a part. Now, all of you that know and have listened, I use HelloFresh for three meals a week. But if we've got a busy week, I don't order it. You can you don't have to order every week, it's up to you. It's a very great program. If you haven't used it, it's awesome. But so those weeks, you know, it's like yesterday I went to a luncheon. Well, if I eat one decent sized meal, I weren't, I'm not gonna even say it was big because it was mainly vegetables and a salad, and and I had a little bit of pasta, and uh I don't want to make dinner, I don't even want to eat dinner. And I've learned to stand my ground on that because part of maintaining my weight and the 50-pound weight loss that I had a couple years ago, that one of the things is that not just eating for the sake of eating, and just because Craig has to have three meals a day doesn't mean I do. So I do put my foot down on that, but it is exhausting. It's ex when I don't order my HelloFresh and I have to think about what I'm gonna make for dinner, HelloFresh, at least I have all the ingredients and the item I'm gonna cook, whether it's hamburgers or um Korean bowl or a different, you know, all kinds of things. I love the food. I don't have to think about it. I've got a card that tells me how to cook it all. I cook it all, I have no leftovers, and we're good to go. So, um, but just thinking about all that is is just exhausting. What about the invisible jobs? You are the calendar keeper, the medical historian, emotional buffer, logistics department, and IT support. Oh my God, I am Craig. I realize what really bugs me. Craig, I help him with his IT problems all the time. He doesn't retain the information I gave him, which means what said what I hear when that happens is that you don't care enough, you know you can just bug me again. That's what I hear when he doesn't bother to remember how I tell him to do a task or that. But we have a lot, a lot of invisible jobs. If you stop doing these things, everything mysteriously falls apart. And if you're in it with kids right now, you know what I'm talking about. If you're retired, you know what I'm talking about. I am leaving for a six-week trip. That means ding dong here is gonna be left with the cats. I have a robotic litter box, I have a robotic water fountain for the cats. I am gonna have to leave exhaustive instructions on how to deal with these things. Okay, it's a huge amount of work for me just to leave. Now, if Craig was leaving for six weeks, he'd pack his suitcase out the door. But not me. There's going to be how to do this, how to do that. There are some things that are gonna have to be left. And it's it's these are what is the invisible jobs. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me what to do. Do you ever just want someone to tell you? Because I have to freaking tell Craig what to do all the time. Sometimes I think, uh, wouldn't it be nice to just float through life like a jellyfish and somebody just poking me which way to go and what to do? My sister-in-law said it best last night. Sometimes I don't want to wear my big girl panties. I don't either. And we'll talk about that in a little bit. But when someone says, just tell me what to do, it sounds helpful, but it still leaves you managing the thinking. That's not help, that's an internship. Just tell me what to do. You know, um just thinking about being an adult sometimes is exhausting. It really is. And and it can take from you, it can exhaust you. But we are in control of a lot of this, and that's the thing I want to say right here. We are in control, and I force Craig into doing some things that are uh he doesn't want to do it because it's uncomfortable to him. So he'd rather burden me with it. Well, as I've gotten older, I'm like, hey, buddy, no, you can do this. I don't need to be burdened with it. Well, you already know, blah, blah. No. So just remember, as much as these invisible jobs and all of this, we can put our foot down. And we need to put our foot down. Because a lot of this stuff gets heavier as we age. As we age, the mental load becomes more complex: medical appointments, finances, aging parents, adult kids, and the awareness that time matters. My sister and I were having this conversation um last night. And um everything's on an app now. Now it's something I happen to be really good at, but I understand not everybody is. Now, in just a little bit here, um, Craig's gonna come up and we do our Fridays when we have when we're both available for lunch on Fridays, we walk to our McDonald's. It's a blockover and um it's free Fry Friday and blah, blah, blah. But you need to know how to use your app. There's nobody that works the cash registers anymore. You need to either go up to the kiosk or work the app. Now, if you want the deals, and this is what my sister and I were talking about, if you want the deals, you need to know how to use the app or you don't get the deals. So, in other words, um, you can get a Big Mac meal, whatever, on the app for nine bucks, but if you're ordering it um without using the app, it's$13. Things like that. And I really find that unfair to a huge part of the population that um if you aren't savvy, you can't save. And that's a mental load right there. Now, I was at CVS this week. Now, CVS is a big game for me, people. I use their app insanely. I belong to their little club. Um, it costs me$5 a month. I get$10 in CVS cash in my app every day. I get discounts on all CVS products. There's a lot of things. I collect the coupons whenever they come in. What you don't know is they do stack coupons at CVS. So if you have$5 off L'Oreal skincare and you have a 40% off coupon, they will use both of them. Anyhow, yesterday, the other day, my bill came to over$60. And when all was said and done, and all my coupons went through, and mind you, this is all electronic coupons. I didn't have a piece of paper in my hand. My bill went down to$22. Now that's a game for me. Saving the money is nice, but what about the people that really need to save the money? It does break my heart that this mental game needs to be played for everyone. For me, it's fun. For somebody, it could be the difference between how they eat and how they don't eat. So it does bug me, but it it is also a thing that um is taken and why things are heavier as we age. The emotional weight. The heaviest part isn't the list, it's managing emotions. Smoothing situations. Sorry, I had to hit my cough button there. It's very dry. The heat is running, running, running, and I'm realizing I don't have any water here. But the mental load, the emotional weight, is extremely heavy the older we get. And our coping skills, the older we get, diminish. You need to know that. If you don't realize the coping skills you had when you're young are not the same you have. And if you don't see it in yourself, if you're younger, you may see it in your parents. Coping is hard. You know, and and and soothing, and and you know, and sometimes you have to set boundaries, and that's okay. Sometimes we just hit a wall with a person or situation and you have to put up boundaries. Boundaries are healthy, they're not mean, they're healthy. If the other person doesn't understand your boundaries, remember that's their problem, not yours. If you set clear, intentional boundaries and you're kind about letting the person you know say, I have set these boundaries, it's really hard if you set boundaries and the other person doesn't know. And maybe sometimes you have to do that, and too bad, so sad for them. But if you have a relationship that you want to keep, but you're setting boundaries, you need to say, look, this is where I set the boundary. I can't, and I and I have done that. I have done that. My son and his girlfriend, um, early days in their relationship. Um, when they'd get in arguments, somebody would call me and bring me into it. And I finally said, No, I'm not, I'm not on anybody's side, I'm not backing anyone. I care about both of you. You guys need to figure this out. And I set my boundaries. Sometimes setting boundaries can cost you things. But that's okay. That's on them, not you. That's again, let me say that. That's on them, not you. You've set a boundary. If that boundary is too much for them and they want to cut you out, well, so be it. But if you need that boundary for your mental health, also so be it. So it gets a little dicey sometimes. So, how do we lighten this load? Stop, and I am saying this to myself, not just to you. And I am the worst at this, so he let's get going. Stop automatically picking everything up. I pick up everything. I want everything to be okay and I want to fix it, and I want to fix it now. That is the mom I've always been, that is the wife who I've been. But I'm trying to learn to not automatically pick everything up. Share the ownership, not just the tasks. So, not just your husband empties a dishwasher and you make dinner. I've learned to share what's going on. I I've always the kids don't tell their dad anything. The kids tell me everything, and I would just hold it in, fix it, and do whatever. But I have learned, even if I don't like what Craig's gonna say about it, I've learned to share that load. Because even just telling him, if he doesn't do anything about it, even just knowing he knows helps me. So remember, share ownership, not just tasks. Let things be a little messy. It's okay. Now that's a hard one for me, too. Say out loud, I can't carry all of this anymore. And you know, I had that breakdown Tuesday when I came home from the doctors. They wanted me to go see another specialist. They I have an infection that's been in my hand for two months, and the care of that's getting shoved around, and I just I had a mental breakdown. And I let myself, I hit that wall. I said, I can't carry all of this anymore. I told Craig, was he helpful? Not really, but just telling him. He's like, okay, I'm going down to my office now, and he walked out, which was fine. I crawled in bed with my cats and went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up and I basically said to myself, okay, self, pick it up. You've had your pity party, move on. So I hope this has helped you kind of understand what is the mental load and that you're not alone in carrying this. We're all out there. I am no professional, so none of this is professional advice. This is just me and my life, my life learnings. That's why it's called Inside Marcy's mind, because this is crap that floats around in my head, and I need to get it out. You are not broken, you are overloaded. If this episode felt familiar, it means you're not alone. Be gentle with yourself, be kind, give yourself the grace you would give your best friend. You are doing more than anyone realizes. Happy holidays to all of you. I will be back on the air next week talking about something else that's in my mind. Who knows what that will be? Blessings to you all.

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Marcy Backhus

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