Stop Dressing To Disappear And Start Dressing To Feel Alive

We talk about intentional dressing as a form of self-respect and a way to feel confident, visible, and alive after 60. We also get honest about closet chaos, body changes, and why saving your best stuff for “someday” quietly steals joy from the life you have right now. 
• Dressing intentionally to shape mood, energy, and confidence 
• The post-retirement wardrobe crisis and buying for a fantasy life 
• Closets as emotional storage for old identities and “proof” 
• The difference between comfort and giving up 
• Midlife invisibility and rejecting the pressure to disappear 
• Stop saving the good clothes, jewelry, and everyday joy 
• Personal style after 60 as alignment with real life 
• What purses and daily choices reveal about boundaries and bandwidth 
If you enjoyed my episode, please share it with a friend, post it on social media, and come find me online. You can find me at MarcybackusMedia.com. 

Transcript

Welcome And The Pants Problem

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello, and welcome to Inside Marcy's Mind. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. And today we are going to be talking about something that's way deeper than fashion. We are talking about confidence, identity, energy, aging, visibility, and self-worth. And yes, pants. Because apparently pants are now a hate crime after 60. I don't know who designed women's jeans lately, but I'd like a conversation. Why are they too short, too stiff, too lows, too stretchy, too high? Crop for no reason, barrel-shaped, and somehow they're still uncomfortable with all this elasticity, and you can stretch them, stretch them. They say they're like pajamas. I don't know. Anyways, we can discuss the emotional warfare of dressing room lighting as well. I don't even try gloves on in a dressing room. I know. Whatever. We'll talk about it later. Who designed those lights? Prison architects? I don't know. And that's why I don't try on things in the in the ladies' dressing room. You walk in feeling cute and suddenly you're standing there under fluorescent interrogation lights, questioning every life's choice you've made since 1977. And somewhere along the line, society quietly decided women over 60 are apparently supposed to dress like retired camp counselors, cruise director, or a woman named Carol who owns 14 quilted vests. Oh God, no offense to Carol, honestly. But today we are rejecting all of it because I recently fell in love with a conf concept of intentional dressing inspired by the work of stylist and author Aaron Walsh. And honestly, it hit me hard. Not because I suddenly wanted to become a fashion influencer. No, that is not it. You will never see me balancing a tiny purse on a pile of decorative books while some photographer photographs my elevated neutrals. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm just trying to survive Chicago weather and find a bra that doesn't feel emotionally aggressive. But the idea behind intentional dressing that's that matters because what we wear affects our confidence, our mood, our energy, how we walk into a room, and honestly how we see ourselves. And women especially, we stop thinking about ourselves somewhere along the line. We dress for work, we dress for husbands, we dress for kids, we dress for trends, we dress for practically anything except for ourselves. We do it for hiding, for shrinking, for blending in. And eventually one day you look at your closet and you think, wait, who is this for? I have been doing this for a while. This has been a huge problem for me. And today's episode, and trust me, this one goes deeper than clothes. We're going to be talking about dressing

Life Update After Cancer Treatment

SPEAKER_00 3:06

intentionally. But before we get there, update on me. Life is good. Hope life is good for you. I think about last year at this time going through cancer treatment. This year's a lot better, everyone. A lot better. I'm feeling great, doing good, trying to live my best life at 65. My kids are surviving. They're living their best lives. And uh yeah, tonight I'm gonna watch. You know what movie I'm going? Our movie club is um, we have a movie club in our in our high rise that we live in. We have a movie theater here. And uh the movie that they're showing tonight is Arthur. And I don't know if you remember Arthur from back in the 80s. I'm pretty sure Arthur's was an 80s movie with Dudley Moore and Liza Vinnelli. And I'm excited to watch it. So as soon as I'm done with this episode, I'll get my things together, and we do have a movie night to go to. So that's what's happening with me. It's a beautiful, sunny but chilly day here in Chicago. Our Memorial Day weekend. I hope you have a fun one planned. We do Craig and I Monday have a bike ride and Sunday a barbecue. So yeah, life is good. I'm I'm excited. It always feels great in Chicago when we're going into summer, honestly. Spring, summer, fall, three best seasons. We just have one really bad one. And sometimes it's hanging, it's it's making a desperate attempt today to hang on. All right.

Wardrobe Crisis After Retirement

SPEAKER_00 4:37

So dressing intentionally. I have had a wardrobe crisis since I quit working. I buy clothes and I don't know why. I buy clothes because I like them. I don't know where I'm going to wear them. I have a very different life than a working life. I go to the gym five days a week. Now, two of those days I work out before I go in the pool. The other days I can wear other clothes because I go directly down to the locker room and get ready for the pool. But I don't think about that. I tend to always wear workout clothes when I'm going to the gym, but I don't have to. I've got, I don't know what my style is. I've got tons of things in my closet. I don't know what to do. So let's talk about it. Nobody talks enough about your closet that holds every version of you. Seriously. The closet is basically a museum of emotional support fabric. You've got the skinny clothes, the someday clothes, the vacation clothes, the I paid too much for this to get rid of it clothes. The this looked good on the mannequin clothes. And apparently, this is what a woman my age is wearing now section. I also have a huge ton of, we have skinny clothes. I have in my so in my storage unit a ton of my fat clothes because now it's been two years since I've lost 50 pounds.

Your Closet Holds Old Identities

SPEAKER_00 6:03

Now it's 40 pounds because I've got that lovely cancer drug that's holding on to some weight. But nonetheless, it is an emotional support fabric holder, is what our closet is. And somewhere in there is probably one cardigan you hate, three black tops that are almost identical, mystery scarves, and jeans that are openly hostile. I swear jeans now come with emotional damage sewn directly into the waistband, especially now with this drug that I'm on that's giving me a pooch. Got the pooch from the cancer drug. I only have to take them for five years and then I can stop taking them. But I think women especially carry emotion in clothing. We keep outfits from old identities, old jobs, old marriages, smaller bodies, younger selves, different styles. Sometimes we aren't keeping clothes, we're keeping proof. Proof that we were once thinner, proof that we were younger, proof that we were busier, proof that we were prettier, proof that we were wanted, proof that we were needed, proof that we were important. Doesn't that get deep pretty fast? Your closet isn't just your closet. And one of the ideas behind intentional dressing is asking what reflects who I am now? Not who I was 10 years ago or even five years ago, because five years ago I was still working. I retired four years ago. So it should not reflect who I was ten years ago. Now that's powerful because honestly, a lot of us are walking around dressed for lives we aren't even living anymore. I am. I'm so confused. Who am I? What am I? What do I need to wear? I had this realization recently, standing in my closet thinking, why do I own this many someday outfits? Someday where? Someday with who? Someday doing what? Am I attending royal weddings? No. I go to the gym, I do water aerobics, I go to Costco, I go to lunch, I'm a podcaster, I go over to church, I go out to dinner. That's my actual life. And there is freedom in dressing for the life you actually live, not the fantasy life. Now take that in because for me, that's a huge thing. The life I actually live and not the fantasy life. And I'm not talking about a fantasy life where you're thinner or whatever. I'm just talking about clothes you buy because I picture myself strutting down Michigan Avenue looking all ladies who lunch like. I don't do that. That's a fantasy life. Mary Tyler Moore swinging my beret in the air. Why do I have clothes in there that look great on me? I'm not saying, and don't get me wrong, we're not talking skinny clothes here. We're talking clothes that you just bought, clothes that look great on you, clothes that may flatter you, but they're not for the life you actually are living.

Dress For Energy Not Hiding

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Why wear you what you wear changes your energy. Now let's talk about something people pretend isn't true. What you're what you wear affects how you feel. It just does. And I know people love to say, I dress for comfort. Well, me too, but I don't want to look like a schlub. There's a difference between comfort and giving up. I don't give up. That's the difference. You know the difference. There are days when you throw clothes on and feel invisible, sloppy, tired, and defeated. And there are days when you put on earrings, maybe lipstick, a jacket that fits right, and good shoes, and suddenly you feel more awake, more alive, more pulled together, more you. That is intentional dressing. It's not about labels, it's not about expensive clothes, it's not about trends. It's asking, how do I want to feel today? Do I want to feel confident, powerful? Do I want to feel comfortable or creative? Do I want to feel sexy? Never sexy anymore. But do I want to feel relaxed, put together? Because clothes communicate energy before we ever say a word. And it made me feel good the other day. I do always dress nice for church because that's the chance that I have to wear my clothes. And I had a gal come up, she goes, Oh, I wasn't coming to the class, but I had to come up and see what you were wearing today. You always look so put together. That made me feel really good. Really good. Because when I go to church, I intentionally dress. The rest of the week, eh, not so much. And women over 60 are specially often told, don't try too hard. Well, I hate that phrase. And what does that even mean? We're supposed to disappear quietly, stop caring, become beige human throw pillows. No, thank you. I'm not trying to look 25. I'm trying to look alive. There's a huge difference. Did you hear me say that? I'm trying to look alive. You don't need to blend in. We need to look alive. So for my I'm not doing that anymore segment this week, I am not buying clothes designed entirely to hide my body. I still struggle. I am still trying to camouflage, conceal, disguise all parts of my body. And I can't believe just because the medication I'm on has had me gain about between eight and ten pounds, I kind of fluctuate. I feel like I'm back to my 50-pound heavier self, and I'm not. So I am not buying clothes designed entirely to hide my body anymore. All right, that's enough about what I'm not doing anymore. What are you not doing this week anymore? Because at some point we have to stop apologizing for existing in a female body over 60. All right, that invisibility

Midlife Invisibility And Worth

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thing. Now that oh, now this part, I think women will feel this. There's a strange thing that happens in midlife. You start feeling invisible. Not everywhere, but enough. Retail stores stop marketing to us. Fashion gets boring. People assume older women don't care about how they look anymore. And honestly, that's nonsense. Women don't stop wanting beauty, expression, confidence, style, attention. Why when Cher does it or Jane Fonda or anybody in, oh, look at how she's dressing. We why shouldn't she dress? You know, I mean, they say it in a good way, or and I guess they say it surprisingly. Why are you surprised? They're beautiful women who love to dress. Why are we surprised that they look fabulous? We don't stop wanting those things. We just get tired. And sometimes life beats us down a little. Menopause changes our damn bodies, stress changes bodies, aging changes bodies, gravity changes bodies, things move, things soften things, widen things, disappear. And suddenly dressing becomes less fun. Because we're trying to figure out who am I in this version of this body? And that's hard. But intentional dressing says, you still matter now, not 10 pounds ago, not 20 years ago, now. That's why this concept hit me emotionally. Because I think a lot of people stop seeing themselves as worthy of effort. We save, we save the good clothes, the good perfume, the good jewelry, and the nice dishes. Well, I'll tell you what, when I moved here, I stopped saving the nice dishes. We eat on China every day. So stop saving things for what? A special occasions? Ladies, we are the occasion. We are alive on a Tuesday. Wear the good earrings. This is a huge one for me personally. I think women spend decades postponing joy. We save things constantly. We save candles, we save perfumes, we save shoes, we save purses, we save outfits, trips, and dreams. And meanwhile, life is happening right now. I had this realization real recently. What exactly are we waiting for? Because at this age, one thing becomes very clear. Time is not on our side. It is not guaranteed. And I don't mean that in a depressing way. I mean it in it by the damn linen pants way and wear them. Wear the outfit. Use the expensive lotion. Carry your damn fancy purse. Who are we preserving this stuff for? The museum of unused happiness? I don't think so. And intentional dressing really ties into this beautifully because it says your daily life matters enough to show up for it. Even if you're just going to Target, answering emails, grabbing coffee, walking the dog, doing absolutely nothing important. You are important. You know, Lynn and I, my bestie, talked about this. You know, we may have an outfit on all day. It was a decent outfit. She may have worked in it. I may have worn it to the gym and come home. And Craig and I'll say, let's go out to dinner. And I don't take that opportunity to change into something wonderful. I'll just go on what I'm wearing. I live in downtown Chicago. I could wear sparkly pants to dinner every night. No one would look twice. So why don't I? I will be doing that from now on. I will be dressing intentionally. Now, shoes is another matter living here in the city. If you're walking to dinner, your shoes need to look great, but be comfortable too. All right. You are important. Remember that. Personal style

Stop Saving Joy For Later

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after 60. Now let's talk about style evolution, because this is another thing women struggle with. We don't want to, and if you're not, if you're younger than than I am, this all applies to you too. Because this we started this habit when we were young. Because this is another thing that women struggle with. We don't want to dress too young, dress too old, look ridiculous, look matronly, and look invisible. And if you're younger, you can put in other things there. And somehow, society gives women approximately a three-year window where we're apparently allowed to look stylish without criticism. It's exhausting, and I hate it. And here's what I've learned: you don't need to dress younger. You need to dress like yourself. That is intentional dressing. That's different. For me, I like simple pieces, boho touches, good jackets, city style, comfortable but polished. I walk a lot in Chicago, I go to the gym, I swim, I podcast. My wardrobe should support that life, not somebody else's Pinterest board. And I have been doing that. Intentional dressing is about alignment. Does your wardrobe align with your real life, your energy, your personality, your body, your body now, and your actual routine? That matters more than trends ever will. All right. What your purse says about your mental state. Can we discuss purses for a second? Because purses reveal everything. Huge tote bag. You're probably carrying receipts, snacks, medication, emotional baggage, charger cords, and possibly a rotisserie chicken. Tiny cross body bag. You've entered your I cannot physically carry everyone else's problems anymore, Era. I'm a crossbow body girl. Backpack practical queen. Possibly travels internationally with snacks. Every woman over 60 has sunglasses she can't find, random lipsticks, reading glasses, old gum, and receipts. I don't make the rules, people. I don't carry a purse much anymore at all because I live in the city and I don't want something somebody can grab. When I do carry one, it's a crossbody. So intentional dressing. Here's what I want to leave you with today. Intentional dressing is not really about fashion at all. It's about self-respect. It's about asking, how do I want to move through the world? Not what hides me best, not what's age appropriate, not will this make everyone else comfortable? It's really how do I want to move through the world? And it can be comfortable and polished. Those two things do go together. And maybe it's maybe at this stage of life, that's the real freedom. We stop performing, we stop chasing, we stop shrinking. We start dressing for joy, for confidence, for energy, and for ourselves. Did you notice that there were no words in age, appropriate

Style Alignment After 60

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fits? We are dressing for joy, for confidence, for energy, and for ourselves. Today I wore a big, huge flowered sweatshirt. I dressed for joy today. And I got so many compliments on my sweatshirt today. Because we're not disappearing. Not now, not yet, and honey, not ever. And honestly, if you want to wear giant sunglasses and linen pants while dramatically walking through Chicago like I am in a Nancy Myers movie, I absolutely will. If I want to wear the big hat, the chic flowy dress, you bet your ass I'm gonna walk down Michigan Avenue like that. Thank you so much for hanging out with me on Inside Marcy's Mind. And if this episode made you look differently at your closet, good. Maybe tonight is the night you finally get rid of the guilt clothes, the punishment jeans, the someday outfits, and anything that makes you feel less than amazing. Life is too short for uncomfortable bras and emotion and emotionally abusive pants. I said what I said. And if you enjoyed my episode, please share it with a friend, post it on social media, and come find me online. You can find me at MarcybackusMedia.com. And don't forget to check out my other podcasts, Aging 8 for Sissies and Unbottled, because apparently I have a lot to say, and microphones were a terrible thing to give me access to. All right, everybody, go wear the good outfit. Eat off the great China. I'll talk to you next week. Please go out and do something positive.