Forgiving 14 year old me for attempting Suicide

 Rah MrTraumaTalks is a mental health advocate and the visionary behind this conference, creating spaces where real stories lead to real healing. Through his journey of transformation, Rah reminds us that healing begins when we choose to believe in ourselves. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Do my little story, every one of you, I give to you Mr. Traumatox.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Rahu K. Maharaj immigrated from Trinidad and Tobago nearly 23 years ago. He currently resides in Queens, New York. Five years ago, he created The Life Experiences with Ra, a social media platform that allows everyone to share real stories about overcoming the pitfalls of life. Rahu is the author of Untold Stories, Hidden Truths, and Melly and the Pandemic. Ra is also a great friend of mine, and he has been very, very supportive from the day that we met. He's an empathic person, and he always wishes the best for everybody, and he really means it. You know how simple it's great to just get what wishes it. That's that's beautiful. But Ra goes above and beyond, and I'm sure he doesn't just do that with me. So ladies and gentlemen, Rahu K Mahara.

SPEAKER_04 1:06

And once again, that video is two years old, and we are seven years, eight months of your life experiences with Raw, where we bring the stories of others where you just heard.

SPEAKER_03 1:23

From a little girl being taken advantage of to award-winning Hollywood producer, you can't be it can't be that from where you were to where you are today. See, this is where we're gonna talk about the stories. But I want everyone of you backstage to remember the intro from five years ago and what he said. And if those that know me, especially my amazing friend we spoke about just a few weeks ago when I had my back surgery, Vi Ned, and she called me one day when I was in pain, and she prayed for me genuinely from her heart. You know, this is the people that has been in my life, and I want you to ask her when she comes back what Lavari was saying when he introduced me two years ago. Was he wrong? Is he saying something wrong? So in January of 2024, I was asked to speak at a mental health conference, uh, at a at a book signing, actually. It was a book signing, and it was called Live Your Purpose. So I transformed minds into living your purpose through trauma, and I spoke, and how I spoke was it was my wine, it was my food, it was my balcony, it was my house. I said all that, and I said how the person started treating me, but see, when I go back, see, I have to go back and actually look and reflect because I as well was wrong for some of the times when I would triple off and the things I would say, because sometimes you're mentally stressed in so many different ways, you yourself react because you at the end of the day is still human, but when you go back now, you remember things cannot be changed at that moment when you go back in time, it never will be changed. But what you can do, just like Ross says all the time, change like death is inevitable, it happens every day. You have to see it, you have to accept it, so you have to forgive yourself, moving forward, knowing while you reflect that you want to be better, you want to change. See, many people in life, in society today, they actually are stuck, they make things that is unnecessary to become a problem, become a problem, and that is the extra trauma, the extra baggage, you know. Ross say all the time, right? Think about your excess baggage as an ocean liner's anchor, the Titanic's anchor, and you grab it by its chain, it's all beat up, it's all rusted, and you start dragging it on the seashore. That is your trauma, that is your mental state of mind when it is all the bad things from the past, and you keep pulling that along. If you pull an anchor along the seashore, definitely you will pick up extra garbage, and that's your mind when it accumulates all this, it holds you back. So quickly release the anchor, drop it by forgiving yourself. Now, you see, when I say this, I swing back a wrong. A couple months ago, my stepfather was visiting and he was here by me, and he came across. I was doing something in the room and I was, you know, working, and he asked me to do something for him. So I immediately stopped to listen to him, hear what he said, and I helped him. So he stick around afterwards and he looked at me and he says, You have changed. And I said, I stopped again because I started doing my work, and I said, What do you mean you have changed? What do you mean by that? He says, and he takes me back to a scenario in the past, and he says, You know, I mean, you know, I didn't need it at the important, but this is how you reacted that time. And he says, I have been looking at you, you have really changed. And I said, and I smiled, and and we had a conversation, and I ended up switching him about him because I have said this so many times publicly that he has one of the worst addictions, and it's the alcohol. And no matter what, we are here for you to understand you are not alone because you are not going through it by yourself. Every one of us is going through something, and there you are, you're looking at your loved one who you know you're out here helping, you're touching because you have I have the responses of others who have made their lives better, who have changed their mindset, who wants to understand love and loving themselves to love others around them. And I look at him and tears will come out of my eyes because I can't fix him. I hear him, I speak to him, but don't matter what happens, unless you accept who you are and want that help for you to love yourself enough to make that change, it wouldn't happen. So you have to do it for you. So, yes, we spin back a wrong. I have learned, and at that moment, when he told me that, I closed my eyes. Go back to the entire situation, which you should always do. Don't matter how right you are, in that moment, don't matter what it is you could be so right about. Forgive yourself for your reaction, forgive yourself for things you have said, forgive yourself for not knowing or knowing differently, and then come back. When you come back, make sure you don't repeat the same thing going forward. Those are the ways, as I said earlier, Ambassador Dr. Monica Sanchez, she preaches it and she shows every single body, everyone, she shows love, even her enemies. And trust me when I say this. You see, you have to be able to forgive yourself to let go of things, and when you let go of those things, you cannot go back to it. Now we come back around again to where I started. But this time I want you to understand where I forgive not just the other person, but forgive myself for allowing me to be in a situation like that when I was here standing to help others. But the situation had to come to help me to understand more of my story that I could understand when I put myself in someone else's shoes, I could feel their pain because many of times I'm compared. This is raw. How come you how can you compare yourself to a family of two daughters, a wife and a husband being brutally beaten, raped, abused in front of each other? Result in the father taking his own life because he felt helpless among his children. See, I never compare, but I step into those people's shoes and I connect because we are all connected, and we have to understand. I was just looking recently at TikTok, and I see these people preaching the word of God, but condemning other people's religions and calling other another person's God evil, and here you are. Everyone, don't matter who you are, is welcome at my table. And if it is that you just can't understand that, then I am sorry. I have no other way to help you again, but you have to find that in you. People teach you to share love all the time, not hate. The world is at a place of chaos right now, and we all need to be there for each other. And these conferences come together, forgive yourself, came together with another one called Love Yourself, another conference called Believe, and our upcoming conference. I want you to look out for call acceptance. So I have gone back so many times to forgive myself, to forgive my 14-year-old self who thought he was about to remove me from this earth. I had to go back to 2015, to that man who was holding a handful of opioids, ready to take it, when his best friend Anna calls him and saves him. See, I have a purpose. I did not know it previously. I was brought up in a society of tough love because I'm Caribbean, Trinidadian, Tobago. I love my country, I love who I am, and I love my heritage, my religion, my spiritual background. Everything stemmed from where it started, from where I was born. When I say this, I had to learn to go back to certain places, even as a child, to forgive me. Because let me tell you, karma never forgets you, and it follows you into different lifetimes, believe it or not. And this is something you have to go and forgive yourself for whatever reason you're here going through it, because at the end of the day, you have to continue this journey, no matter what you do. Remember, what is meant for you shall never pass you by, and what passes you by was never meant for you. Just as there once was a man who had the blues because he had no shoes. Down the street, he met a man who had no feet. The same way Ra could keep reflecting. Started this seven years ago plus, kept on the same journey. While I'm on the journey, I learn. While I learn, I heal. While I heal, I help, and I continue to spread love and affection through my music, through my books. We um just two days ago was in another number one international best-selling book to add a connection, resilience, 365 days of resilience. We are on the billboard on Times Square. It was beyond amazing again. You see, if I didn't step into this light to help you understand you are not alone, I wouldn't have been who I am today, Mr. Trauma Talks. And with that being said, I just want to bring on back everyone. Anyone want to ask any questions? And we go up from there.

SPEAKER_04 13:58

Any questions?

SPEAKER_02 14:01

It's so admirable that you took your own trauma with your stepfather and have created such a powerful platform for so many. Where did the motivation and courage? I'm sure you've put your own money on the line and asked people to believe in you before it happened. Where did you get your courage to bring this event into reality?

SPEAKER_04 14:32

I love it because that's exactly what I spoke about in resilience. When I give my quote, my quote is, as Susie read last month, is my quote is your resilience is your truth.

SPEAKER_03 14:48

I wrote about my mom and how I learned throughout my life to ask myself what that strong woman is going to do next. What would she have done in this situation? Because yes, I speak for my stepfather. That stepfather who is current right now, he met my mom in 2002. And trust me, they have this really amazing love story. Uh and with that being said, is when I spoke about 14 years ago, for being 14 years old, and attempting suicide for the very first time, was because I was run out of the house by my other my first stepfather, who I actually thought was my daddy. You know what I mean? I looked up at him, I grew with him from 18 months old. And then to go through the things that I went through that throughout my all my talks, you would have heard pieces of my story as I tell it. But I always heard people blame their moms for things that happened in their life. I never did that. I just was like, how the hell does this woman do this? She goes through abusive uh relationship, she has her kids, she's resilient, she keeps working, she's the breadwinner, she, you know, and how? So now here I am. As I said, I don't compare upon myself. So I had to start stepping in her shoes. We came to America, she came here in 1998, and let me tell you, she, when you talk about parents paving the road, she did that for us. When I came here in 2000 with her, there were times you just look across at her and she's crying, and I never understood that why, what was wrong with her. But then you have to understand when you get older, that poor lady used to be thinking about her two sons that was there while she's here trying to make things right, make it good, and make that life for them because of her love for her children. My mother, I was speaking to someone two days ago on my walk for with Ozzy, and my mom has been there for people who treated her the worst, who said the worst of things to her, while all she did is show them love, and today those same people will call her and she will cry with them, laugh with them, and love them just as she did. So if this is the person you're learning from, I don't think that there could be something different together with learning from the love from Jesus, the love from Sri Krishna, Buddha. I take all the positives out of everything and I pour it out here because, as I said, I went to India in 2017 and I had an awakening. And when I had that awakening, I wanted others to allow others to hear the voices of others, their stories, to let them know they're not alone, but who is doing it? Most of the times, human beings cause other human beings to go through the problems, they destroy each other. And with this being said, is this is why I produced this platform. So people, as Dr. Monica Sanchez said in the beginning, it's a safe place to share your stories in a positive way. So someone else who is going through it would hear it and be like, wow, today I heard from this amazing woman. I heard she's a producer, a Hollywood award-winning producer, Yvonne Choitson. And she was telling a story about herself and how she had to go for therapy, how therapy helped her. And this is why we do that.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

Thank you. I wish I didn't have to jump off. This is fabulous. I wish I could hear each of your stories. But I coach a lovely class on Saturdays, and so I must take my leave now. Thank you, Ra, for this wonderful platform and the opportunity to be here.

SPEAKER_03 19:10

Thank you. I love you, and thank you for taking your time. We will have you back. We love you. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_04 19:19

So, anybody else want to ask a question before we go to our next speaker?

unknown 19:24

Dr.

SPEAKER_04 19:24

Monica Sorry.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Um, you know, on this platform, we're all adults, but I know that there would be young people listening. And as a young person who had to deal with your trauma and forgiving yourself, what would be a message that you would um give to a young person who has been traumatized, who want to get to this point to forgive themselves and to move forward? Your message to them today would be what?

SPEAKER_03 19:54

I love this. Oh my god. You see, last year we had a mental conference and just like this, in person on Times Square in Broadway, and I was having a hard time. And one of the speakers, she called me, and um, Dr. Monica, I'm just muting you for a second because you have a feedback, okay? So, yeah, and um, she called me and she she says, Ra, I feel a lot of heaviness on you because it's stressful to hold a mental health conference. And she said, I want to take you back in the past, but she wanted to show me how to love that person who went through it, and she took me back in the past. And this thing, I always had done these exercises before, but she did this in a different way. And when I went back into the past with her this time, I saw a third person, which was myself. So, you see, when you say, don't matter who you are, and you're looking at this, especially the younger generation, we speak about social media, especially the comparison of social media. A lot of people speak about and the competition, and this one wants to be like that one. Do you know? Before social media was so big and there was always media, and all those late night shows and different live shows they would have, all these people were in competition with each other as well. And if you ask any one of them from the past, they will tell you. My advice to all of you is to love yourself, allow you to connect with you, and by doing that, you have to reflect on your days passed by, and your days passed by could just be last week. Because for a teenager, for a person who is now coming in adulthood, for a young adult in their early 20s, you have to understand every single thing that you learn. How to apply it because you might learn something about life. Because, in my way, religion could be one of the most deceiving things. It tells you if you pray, anything is gonna happen for you. But that's not true. It's not like that, it's not a genie and a lamp that you rob and it's gonna pop out of the bottle. You won that career so badly. You went and you got the bachelor's degree and you realize, holy crap, there's a billion other person with a bachelor's degree wanting the same position. Now you get scraps that you think is scraps for you. But actually, that's you starting to climb your ladder. When you go to write your first exam as a teenager and you fail, as they put it, if you happen to fail, don't think about it as a failure. If you didn't start studying for it, you wouldn't have understood it the second time. You go back for it, and that time you will be successful. You see, you have to reflect on the days go by where you would think you're right or wrong. Understand who is that person guiding you, understand where your journey is taking you. Reflect and love yourself, and the same way you're loving yourself, love others as well.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

Thank you so much. It was such a pleasure. I I'm looking forward to the next one. I'm sorry that I have to run, but it's still March month, women's history, and I have two more events. So uh I'm so excited. I wish you all a wonderful weekend. Thank you guys so much, Ra. As always, I love you, and this has been awesome.

SPEAKER_04 23:45

Thank you for being here.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

Okay, bye bye.

SPEAKER_04 23:50

All right, my beautiful ladies. Any other questions? Dr. Vi, how are you? Thank you for being here. You're muted.