132 - Ani Posner Pt 2: A Beautiful Mess

Continue with nursing student and Portland, Oregon native Honored Guest Ani Posner as she discusses the role the VA has played in her education, the Health Professional Scholarship Program (HPSP), advice for working with inappropriate patients (especially as a young lady), the importance of leaning into your faculty, setting definitive boundaries, doing chest compressions on a patient for the first time and navigating the mental and emotional journey that followed, truly understand the concept of taking care of somebody’s somebody, being scared to touch a baby in OB, the joy of reuniting parents with their newborn baby, and more!

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Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to the second part uh of the Ani Posner experience. I really probably should stop calling her Grandma Ani because you know, beatin' a dead horse and whatnot. So, Ani, welcome back. How are you? I'm great. You know, I really appreciate the collaborative nature of our working relationship here. It's fantastic. I've been looking for an Honored Guest who speaks Pig Latin. And she's like, well, why don't we just collaborate and you do part of it? And I was like, OK, sounds good. And then when we went to do the dang thing, I'm like, oh, I haven't tried to speak in Pig Latin in a long time. So yes, I realize it was butchered for those of you that are fluent in Pig Latin. My apologies. We'll get that shored up another time. All right, Ani. So we've kind of talked. If you, for some reason, missed her first episode, go back. We get to know who Ani is as a person, how she's made the decision she's made to land where she is at this time. And you don't want to miss it. Incredible wisdom in there. And now we're going to take that wisdom a little deeper and a little farther when it comes to discussing nursing school proper. So let's start off with kind of the fluffier stuff, which would be I understand that the VA plays a role in your education and your life. Ani, what does that look like? How do they play a role? So the VA is like the Veterans Administration. So they are the federal hospitals across the country that uh provide care to all of our veterans, ah everyone that has served our country. And so I right now work as an intermittent nursing assistant at the Veterans Hospital here in Portland. And I do that over the summers. um I work in the PACU, I think, like I said earlier, which means that I'm the face that you see before you go to surgery. um I am on the pre-side, not the post-side. uh But I get to do all the fun stuff with all of our veterans before they get their surgeries. um And I never thought in a million years that I would be working with veterans. When I first applied for the job, it was when I took a break from school for a minute. If anyone is listening to this, is 100 % okay to step away and come back if you need to. That's such a side note. I promise you will be okay. I promise, promise everything will be okay. anyways, I applied and I was like, let me just see. My aunt works there. That's how I said she kind of. nudged me in that direction at first was like, just apply. I didn't have any hospital experience. um And I was super transparent and they were a little hesitant on hiring someone to work in that specialty that didn't have any hospital experience, but they took a chance on me um and I was super excited to be there and I was super ready to learn. um And I fell in love with it. I love the people that I work with. so much. don't know if any of them will ever listen to this, those nurses that I work with and another nursing assistant that I'm super good friends with now, they are a feed your young unit. They have made it so possible for me to learn and ask questions. I've watched in clinical a lot of facilities kind of have a rift between their nursing assistant staff or their tech staff and their nurses. uh That is not here. Those nurses have protected me in situations they have, they do not send me into a patient room without backup if they don't feel it's necessary. Like I have open communication with them. um I've needed to cry before and they've been there. They've needed to as well. And it's just, it's there are literal family members working on a floor together and you can feel it. Like it is absolutely wonderful. And when I realized that I work in a place like that, I knew I couldn't let that go. Especially as an up and coming new grad nurse. And so I applied for a scholarship through the VA. It's called the Health Professional Scholarship Program, the HPSP Scholarship Program. And if anyone is interested, go look it up online. It's an absolutely phenomenal program. um If you are able to the scholarship and are privileged and lucky enough like I am, um they end up funding your nursing school, which is an absolute blessing in itself. And then from there, you sign an agreement with them saying that you owe them two years um of service towards the VA as a registered nurse. um And they can send you to an underserved area. of the country where veterans need care and need nurses like you. um Obviously, you know, that's the gist of a scholarship. There's more ins and outs to it, but that's the concept and the design of the scholarship. um So that's kind how the VA plays into my life. I love working with veterans. am so like the humility that I feel being around them and like the sheer gratitude I have for them has just grown so much and It is such a give and take level of care that I'm not, that I wasn't used to at first, that I, at other clinical rotations that I've never experienced because um I get to care for people who have cared for others too. And I think that's so beautiful. So. Mm, that is amazing and inspiring. And yes, shout out to all of our veterans. And man, we should be treating them better than we do, that is for sure. going to ask a follow-up at the risk of taking away from what was said, but I feel like this is an opportunity for some people who need to maybe hear your response to this. And if this is a question that's too sensitive or whatever, we're not going to go deep in it, you guys. ah But there was a story you told me at one point, which... You whatever. I'm going leave that what that is. um But you established in the first episode, 21 years old, you're working with older men, you know, mostly men. mean, there's women in there too and all the things. But you do have those patients that are absolutely amazing and outstanding and are grateful for what you provide. And there are others, you know what I mean, not just VA. This is not we're not throwing anybody under the bus, veterans, anybody. As a younger woman who works with maybe inappropriate older men. What advice would you give to younger ladies who are entering the nursing field and are terrified about that aspect of the job? Oh boy. um in nursing, and I don't mean to throw the field under the bus, but in nursing, we have accepted a standard where we are able as nurses to go into a room and because someone is feeling what we deem is pain or what we deem is emotional, physical, spiritual pain, they are now able to treat us in whatever way they choose. um We use a lack of an education about how to treat people as an excuse sometimes. Or we just use it as things could be worse. They could have done something worse. They could have put their hands on me. They could have... I have a... Everyone has their personal thresholds. I'm not fine with patients saying inappropriate things to me, but... There are some things that are just easy for me personally to brush off, where if I heard them say it to you, if I was your preceptor, or if I one day am like a nurse that just happens to be around you and I hear someone say that, I won't stand for that because it's directed towards you. But for me personally, there are just, there's a threshold that I have for myself. um There are also thresholds, there's a certain point where like I won't stand for it anymore. um And there are systems in place and routes in place where you can go flag. a patient um and all that means is that you can make it so the next nurse can see what they said to you or a good charting can show what that that patient said you can put in quotation marks what that patient did what that patient said you can go as far as reporting a patient or getting security and there many patients where it is a one-to-one nurse ratio meaning one nurse and one patient so we know who's in there and who's out of there with security involved. um I would say Know your threshold. um Understand what you are willing to tolerate versus what crosses a line for you. And if that line is crossed, never back down from that line. Don't give it an inch. um It is absolutely okay to walk into a room and if someone speaks to in a certain way or tries to grab you or reach out, you can step back and you can say, I do not feel comfortable providing you care right now. I'm here to care for you. Can we please work together to make that happen? What can I do to make this a collaborative experience? Because it should be a collaborative experience between the patient and the nurse. um You can always get your charge nurse involved. If you're a student, please go to your faculty. Please, please, please do not shy away from your faculty. I had a experience at a specific clinical rotation this semester where oh um there was a um staff member of the facility that I was at that was really inappropriate with me and I ended up having to report it and go to, and I used my faculty and they were so supportive and they helped me navigate that situation and it got taken out of my hands and I don't have to think twice about it now. And everyone's safe and everything is okay, but please, please, please go to your faculty. They are there for you, they are there to support you. If there's a professor that you trust or if there's a specific nurse that is at your clinical site or at your work site that you might see in the hallways passing by but you're not pleased with them, again, go to them. There are people that want to make you feel safe and you should never ever be afraid of your workspace and you should never ever be afraid of the people in your workspace. And you have every right, even as a student, to stand up for yourself and set your own um definitive boundaries with your patients, of course, in a respectful and compassionate way, but also respecting and being compassionate towards yourself too. Mmm, Oni, thank you. Thank you for saying exactly what you said in the order that you said it, because it is. We've, we've, you lead off with the fact that we make excuses for things. they're just this way, or they're just in pain, or they're just at, fill in the blank, whatever. There is, there should be zero tolerance for any abuse of any kind against your person while you're doing your job, whether you're a nursing student or a nurse or whatever the case may be. We've even just recently, and it doesn't happen very often, It hasn't happened often in my 18 year career. The two worst situations that I can recall, one was on my peds experience and there was a family that was gonna learn that their baby was gonna be placed on administrative hold, their child. And what that means is that they're allowed to leave, the parents can leave, and in fact, we're getting close to being booted, but their child for safety purposes would not be allowed to go with them. And I was coming on shift and was told. we're gonna go give this news. I'm like, oh, fantastic. That's how you wanna start your shift. And I don't wanna make light of the situation in any way, shape or form. But there was one of the resident pediatricians and she's all of, I don't know, five foot one, something like that. And she looks at me while we're in the report room, know, kind of mid shift, pre shift. And she's like, so Eric, you're gonna come in with me, right? I said, absolutely. I said, but if you look at my physique, there's not much intimidation factor there, but I am happy. I will be there, I will support you. And we made a game plan. In these situations, we bring security up and stand by, not necessarily in the room if it's gonna intimidate some or make somebody more apt to react as opposed to respond. ah But the gentleman who we were most concerned about, the father, the child, very giant man of an individual. yeah, um so I said to the resident, said, here's our plan. I'll go in first, you go in second. And then that way you are closest to the door and you're gonna give the information you're gonna give because it's the provider who gives that info and then if for some reason there's any sort of movement toward or action or whatever because they're That person is on the other side of the bed. I said you you jet out I'll be behind you and at the best case scenario I'm gonna buy you about 30 seconds because the guy will snap me over his like leg his beefy thigh like a twig But was like, I'll happily serve that role if it helps protect you. And um then we had another situation come up just on our postpartum unit just within the last little while. And it was a very, this is the most intense individual that we've had to deal with. And um I'm not gonna get into specifics or anything like that. But the way you said, you should not feel scared in your workplace, you should not feel unsafe, 100%. And in this scenario, we even debriefed after it and all the things, because we've got, you you've got more senior nurses typically on what day shift they leave. You have less tenured nurses and maybe younger female nurses who are less or maybe more apt to receive some of that behavior from certain people. And so always the rule I learned in all this was number one, know who's coming on, know who's around, know what's going on. and then try to staff and provide safety accordingly. And that's from a worker's perspective. From your perspective as the either new nurse employee or tenured nurse or nursing student, like Ani said, please always use your resources. the only thing you didn't say, because you said the things I wanted to add, the only thing you didn't say that I will add is know how to escalate. know how to work up the chain of command. If you are in a place where you don't have supportive charge nurse, relief charge, or supportive uh management, or whatever, keep going up that chain of command. And then if you're in an organization that does not provide for your safety, or you definitely get that vibe that we don't care, go somewhere else. It's not worth it. I don't care how much you love where you're at, you go somewhere else. So I don't want to belabor that point too much, but Uh, Ani, thank you for bringing that perspective, your perspective to that. So obviously those are challenging situations in nursing. I'm gonna now this is no trigger warning, but we are going to talk about something a little sensitive, that may or may not have happened to Ani recently, uh, not related to what we just talked about. Uh, but this may be something that you experienced as a nursing student. I did not, uh, have to deal with it as a nursing student. I can say I was grateful for that, but Ani did. And so with that, for the next few minutes, we'll just talk about this. uh Listen to the intro of this convo. uh then if that is something you don't want to hear about, just skip ahead a little bit. I don't normally advocate for that. But Ani, would you like to describe any challenges you've had while in nursing school and how you navigated those challenges? so... The interesting thing about this challenge is that I'm still navigating it, which for a while I actually originally scheduled to do this with Eric a few weeks ago. And I think it was a day after this happened in clinical. And I sent Eric a text. He doesn't know this actually he's learning this right now. uh He's like, you know, with school I'm too busy. In actuality, I was sitting in my apartment like trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. And I'm still trying to wrap my head around what just happened. And I realized that a lot of nursing students don't have someone that is actively going through something to speak on it because there's not a lot of words to use in some situations. And so a lot of the time, I know that like I've been a nursing student where I'm like, well, what if this happens or how do I handle the situation or what do I do? If the worst case scenario happens guys that you constantly prep us for what? What do I do? How do I act? How does it go? Will I be able to do it? Will I have the strength to do all the things you've taught me to do or the mental capacity to remember what's in the corner of the room somewhere? will my scrubs feel like they're fitting too tight and all of a sudden get uncomfortable or I feel like my feet go numb or all of these things, what's gonna happen? And you have people that have done it so many times or people that haven't done it in a long time or people that are so used to doing it. answering these questions. So I thought about it for a while and I thought I wasn't going to talk about it and I thought I wasn't ready to talk about it. And then I realized that it's probably really beneficial for people to hear from someone that just did it and is actively trying to process it. And what I mean by it is I so probably the biggest challenge I've had in clinical is losing a patient. I wouldn't say. I don't want to be rude, but to clarify, you don't mean like Missing Adult or Amber Alert? mean that. I mean having a patient die and lose their life. I was in an ER during clinical at some point and I was with my preceptor person that day and this person was like, hey, just so you know, I'm the code person. So if there's a code, you're coming with me and I got you and you're doing chest compressions. and just, Hey, heads up. And I was like, okay, you know, that doesn't really happen super often. I'm here for maybe four more hours. Um, within maybe two minutes of that conversation, um, we have someone from security sprint in and they're like, Hey, code blue in the parking lot. Let's go. um And I see the person that I'm precepting with we grab gloves together and sprint on out to the parking lot. um And um we're standing there together and the patient is in their vehicle um with their significant other, um not. conscious. um And, you know, the my preceptor climbs on into the vehicle, starts one handed CPR. We put the patient onto the gurney. um And we're running in, you know, it, it did feel like a scene from a medical drama for like a brief minute before I could like comprehend what was happening. um I haven't Yeah, so anyway, we get we get back into the the bay. the room, I guess I'll call it. And, you know, there's already maybe 40 people there. I don't know who exactly was there. uh But I know there were two physicians, there was an anesthesiologist, there were three different nurses on both sides of the bed, ED techs. There was myself, Like everyone that could help was there. and I remember feeling two hands on my back. Um, and I actually found the nurse the following week who that was. Um, but I remember getting physically pushed into the room, like picked up and physically pushed. And, um, my preceptor was doing chest compressions at this point. And another nurse, uh, said that they were going to go in front of me. My preceptor was going to hop down. Explain what to do and then I was gonna go after that nurse um So I hopped up and did the thing and A lot was going on that I'm probably not gonna describe for the podcast But a lot was going on um Their their spouse was there And I could hear them um and see them and that was really disorienting, I'll say, and like super challenging during a code. I know how many rounds we all did. I know the color of the patient's shoes. I know the color of their eyes. I know everything. I saw everything. um And yeah, and then it ended and that patient didn't survive um and then drew the curtain and that was a code and I just was standing outside of it and our clinical instructor that day that was filling in came and got us and we went to a room and debriefed for about, I actually don't know, I don't even think I said anything. And then we went back to the ER and I finished my shift. I just, my heart like, ah ha ha. I guess the first question I have, I guess the most important one of course, and I'm not throwing anybody under the bus, but I mean like, was there a discussion towards consent? Like it wasn't like, hey Ana, you are doing this. It was like, would you be comfortable doing this? Hopefully it was at least presented that way. So I told my, let me backtrack. So I told my clinical preceptor something that I always say, which I would encourage any nursing students or anyone listening, if this is your vibe and you think you match my vibe, I think Eric has heard me say this. Eric filled in for us one time and saw me do clinical for a day. And I don't even know if you heard me say this to my instructor that day, but, my, nurse preceptor, but I always tell the nursing instructor that I'm with, like, hey, uh I'm a sink or swim student, so um please don't let me sink, but force me to swim. Like, are gonna be that I'm uncomfortable with, there are gonna be things that, and I am a student where I am, I'm someone that in the moment can get stuff done and can be okay, and then afterward is when I kind of crash when I'm on my. And so I know that about myself and I trust myself enough, especially now. I didn't think that in, you know, zero to a hundred situations that the hundred, the most intense situations, I didn't know actually if I'd be able to handle those. I unfortunately now know that I can in the moment do that. And I actually think all nursing students can and have it in them to be able to do that. I think a lot of humans actually do. It's pretty amazing how quickly we can help someone else. even if it's just listening, but yes, I did tell them ahead of time, like, Hey, I'm a sink or swim. Let's do it. And during the code, I was actively communicating with my preceptor saying, am I doing it right? I, I remember a really distinct conversation in the middle of the code that I'm not going to repeat because it's pretty, sensitive, but I remember. seeing something and kind of freezing and then being like, do not look at that right now, we'll talk about it later. And then just keep going. I think that the staff that I was with during that code, even though the patient didn't make it, I actually think that the patient had passed long before. um And that was kind of the general consensus. But um the patient was um like, we do our best, you know, to try, even if that's the consensus. Um, but I, the staff that I was with knew that it was my first code and knew that it was the other nursing students in the room of other school, whatever, every, every new first code. and there were myself and someone else and they did such a wonderful job. Like it shout out to all the staff that were there. Like they did such a wonderful job. coaching us through it. They use the calmest voices. I didn't think it was going to be a calm, calm voiced situation. they, you know, they will tell you if you're doing it wrong and you won't be doing it wrong. You just might need to speed up or slow down or go deeper or you there. There's so many tools in the room. So many people in the room. Like they're not going to let you do anything if you're going to hurt someone. And at the same time too, like they're going to push you to show you what you're capable of doing. really healthy way. That's what a good coach should be. um Is learning the best that you can under the worst circumstances possible. And there's the summary I was, because I just wanted to ask, like, as bad as that was, do you find it valuable? Do you find that you are grateful for having been through that, or would you rather wish that never happened to you? It's really hard to explain. So if you've never done a code or if you're a nursing student, I'm right there with you of still trying to figure out how to process it. So if you ever meet me in person and ask me even a day from now how I feel about it, it could change. I'll tell you guys how kind of I felt the past couple weeks like after it. um Immediately after the code, I'm speaking for myself. I feel like this might apply to most people. The surge of adrenaline that you get is insurmountable. I was vibrating at a frequency that I have never registered at. I went to go try to do an IV stick after that and just hop right back in the flow with the nurses. And I actually made the decision as I was holding it with that patient not to do that stick um because I realized that even though I maybe could do it, it was not a smart decision to make. I went and then I sat with the patient that I had been with earlier that day that was still in that ER. um who had been giving me a hard time, who had uh end stage dementia, who had been just, we'd been battling it out together for four hours then I went back to and I saw this patient and I went up and I said, do you remember me from earlier? And they looked at me and they said, you're the dang student that uh told me to get my butt back in bed. In a nice phrasing. That's phrased nicely. And they started laughing and I said, that's exactly who I am. It's so good to see you again. Like it genuinely was so good to see them again. And I did not think 30 minutes before that I'd be telling them that it was wonderful to see them again. So um I went home and my mom was actually visiting. um She just had happened to be visiting Gonzaga and I didn't tell her what had happened. And I just like, I tried to eat something because my clinical instructor told me like, I have to eat when I get home. And I'm strolling in at like one o'clock in the morning at this point into my apartment and um I don't think I slept that night, or I did actually, but I was dreaming all night that I was doing CPR. Like, I just all night was doing CPR. And I hadn't cried yet, there were no tears yet at this point. And I felt like I should be crying. Like, I was like, why am I not crying? Why am I not bothered right now? I felt so numb and I felt so not human to have that reaction because I have notoriously been someone. that feels so deeply for other people and feels pain. So I shocked myself because I was completely numb. Like I was cleaning my apartment and I was watching friends and just eating food. And I was doing things and looked completely normal. um I went about the weekend with my mom and I remember we were like, she doesn't know this actually. So mama, if you're listening to this, hey. uh But there were a few moments where like we would just be sitting and I would feel myself like instantly start choking up and I would have to like choke it back down because I didn't want to. And it was just at these random moments like eating a coffee shop or whatever. Or I'd get like shivers down my back like thinking about CPR and the sensation of that and like just what that feels like. um And then I started freaking myself out because I was so worried that I would be the student that was not able to do that in that situation. And then you scare yourself because you guys what goes into CPR and what goes into life saving measures is it looks barbaric sometimes is how it works. And it is amazing when it works and it is so it is life saving when it works. When it doesn't work, it weighs on you in so many other ways because you register what had just happened to that person. uh And so for me, it was really, it's hard to toy with it of I'm so glad I can step in in that moment, but I hate that I did that. Like, and I know I didn't do that. know, like what I do that is the details of what goes into those life saving measures. And I don't like that. It freaks me out a little bit that I have the capacity to go that far to save someone's life. uh I'm really grateful that I do. have that capacity and I'm grateful that I can lock in in chaos. um But it scares me about myself, you know? Like there's a responsibility and a power that comes with that that is really jarring that I don't think people talk about. um And so I was, you know, toying with this. I remember seeing this patient spouse lose their person. And I remember Chris Sloan retalking to us. her voice popped into my head and not during the code, sorry Chris. Chris and Jen, Jen Evans popped into my head because both of them have said this to me multiple times in nursing. And I don't know if they remember saying this, but in nursing, you basically what they have said to me and this is my own words, but you are so unbelievably privileged to be someone's nurse because you have the you have the privilege of taking care of somebody's somebody. And that clicked for me in that moment. I was like, all of us, all 40 something or other people in that code had the profound privilege of taking care of somebody's somebody. It wasn't just a patient on a table. It wasn't just my first code. Actually, it has nothing to do with me. Like my life is gonna keep living. I might be an ER nurse one day. I might... deal with death and dying every day and I'm still terrified of it. It still keeps me up at night. It's still, but also I go on runs in the morning and I'm laughing with my family and like two things can be true at the same time. You can have just experienced a code and I don't like saying trauma. I don't like identifying myself with a trauma. So I'm going to stay away from that personally, but you can go through something and as a healthcare worker or something or someone go through a life experience. and you can feel awful and terrified and still happy and it's okay to feel all of them simultaneously and not one is better than the other. And um I don't have like super wise words of wisdom, super wise words of wisdom, yeah, for nursing because I'm still actively trying to process what the heck just happened. um But the thing that sticks with me is I do know that that patient's spouse is probably gonna wake up alone, really upset, really scared and really devastated for the next couple months, years. I know that their family is grieving and I know that being able to do those things, it's, yes, like I can sit here and say that it's a wonderful learning experience. I know a lot of other nursing students were really excited for me in a learning way to share the experience, but I would say like learn from it and understand it, but also it's really not about us. Like it's not about that. It's my first code. It's not about that. Like I did CPR for the first time. Like it really truly is about that patient and about that patient's family. And it is such a profound honor and privilege and responsibility to be able to go to school and have my classroom be a place where I get the opportunity to even have the potential of taking care of somebody somebody for that day. And so for me, like why Eric mentioned I miss school now is because nothing compares to the sheer feeling of knowing that. Like nothing feels as gratifying as that because that just like clicked in my head after that, after seeing all of that, even though it clicked in a really devastating way. I can't like thank you. Thank you for being willing to open up. This is Again Like she said I don't expect any of this I didn't expect any of this I didn't know and and you know It wasn't until the text you sent me before you know when you were like, yeah, let's do it today. Sounds great I'm in a place where I can do this and then you she texts me like just two or three bullet points and about things, I definitely want to bring this up but I'm game for whatever, fantastic, I kind of skim over them and I write her back, great, just text me when you get home. And then I text her, I don't know, what was it, Ani, probably half hour later, and I'm like, Ani, it just clicked like what you wrote and sent me, and like I just had a moment where I'm just like, oh my gosh, like huge hugs to you, because I... That's profound. Everything that you shared is profound. Everything that you shared is 100 % true. Not that you need it validated. I've just briefly, from the perspective of grief, while our son was dying, I'm in another room playing Uno with my wife and a couple of her family members and our friends and we're laughing and we feel guilty for... We feel guilty for laughing because we're in the midst of one of the most profound moments of our lives. personally and we're laughing and yet that laughing was such an oasis that was so needed and you feel guilty about everything you're like no, I shouldn't feel guilty about this and what you're saying were all these emotions all these feelings all these things that you would expect to feel maybe apart from each other they coexist at the same time in the same moment and It's okay. It's okay um to feel all those things. And I'm just so grateful that you had incredible support, you know what I mean, in the moment, right after the moment. And it sounds like moving forward outside of that moment, you know what I mean? um and I had such amazing faculty too, like Katie, who's my clinical instructor, like, my gosh, I wish I could give all the hugs in the world to her. Like she is just an absolutely incredible human being. And so are Jen and Chris, who were like the three main people that I ended up talking to. um Jen. has, you I had an experience in OB where Jen was like, Ani, I will kick your butt if you ever turn down a debrief again, because I'm someone that like, um needs to sit with something by myself for a while. um And yeah, like I still haven't even thought all the way through it. I don't even think I'm at the grief part yet. um I think I'm still a little numb to all of it, but Any encouragement to other nursing students or other nurses or anyone that ever experiences a death like that, um there's a really fine line between laughing and crying. um And 10 minutes later after that code, I was in there with another patient and the security guard next to me made a hysterical little quip about not about that patient, not about the code, nothing like that. That is actually, the ED is apparently a notorious place for rough senses of humor. that code was an unspoken word, an unspoken rule, I think, was that code is off limits. There were no jokes. There was nothing, there was nothing except respect for that patient. So aside from that, aside from that, I immediately burst out laughing 10 minutes after this code. And I feel my, another nursing student is with me and now she's doubled over laughing and now we are both in this patient's room and now this patient is doubled over laughing with us and we can't tell them why. And like, just like feeling tears, like fill my eyes and like this patient saw and I was able to care for this patient and we didn't really address it, but um it was really cool because in the way I would summarize this entire shift. The reason why I think I went back to that ED two shifts later because I didn't want to be afraid of the place that I worked and I didn't want it to run me. So I walked right back down there and I went right back to that room. uh But, and I found the preceptor and I did what I needed to do to learn from it because I don't like being afraid of things. But something that I realized about nursing from that shift is that in eight hours, or less, you can have the good, the bad, the ugly and everywhere in between of humanity. And it's so freaking cool. And it is so beautiful that we get to do that every day and no one else gets to say that. uh And so like, to nursing anyone listening, like feel whatever you need to feel, go scream into an abyss or break something or laugh or talk about it or don't talk about it or do whatever you want, there's literally no way to process it and people will tell you that and then I'm actually in the journey of processing it and there actually isn't a right way to process it because it makes no sense. um But just, I don't know, I try to find the little bits of where I can learn or where I can find meaning in it because if I can find any semblance of meaning and any... uh rationale as to, now in the future I know that I can do this 1 % better for a patient, then like, then I'm good with it to some extent and I can go forward. So I don't know if that will work for you, but it works for me. Ahni. All right, well, so I mean, this is the perfect segue into your words and all that business, but I also don't want to, you know what I mean? I feel like I'm feeling uplifted with where you've ended here, you know what I mean, on the discussion of that topic. But let's, ask the one more question before we wrap up in our traditional way. And that question would be, all right, obviously this has to rank, you know, this event that you just described. has to rank up there. It could be one of the top contenders for worst experience just overall, like in nursing school that someone could have. However, on the flip side of that, in nursing school, what are the things you love? What have you loved most about your time in nursing school so far? Okay, so I'm gonna force Jen to listen to this podcast now, just this part, because she's gonna laugh. So, um... I'm gonna tell you what, I know Jen's a busy lady. All this will stay in. We'll fine, because when she hears this, she'll be like, of course. But I'm gonna say right here, because I can guarantee you, I don't think you have to force Jen to listen to it. uh The Honored Guest that I sat with before you yesterday, the second one of yesterday, was Chris Sloan the director of BSN programming on Sega. And everybody loves her. And she... And I asked her before we started, I said the same thing I asked you and every other Honored Guest. I'm like, have you heard any episodes? I never make any assumption. And usually it's like people tell me yes or no. And I'm like, good, I just needed to know whether or not I needed to judge you. And then I just jokingly say, no, no, no, I need to know it because that tells me that you know that I have you read your own intro, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I asked her that question. And Chris Sloan's response to me she goes, ah! I can hear. She goes, I have listened to every Gonzaga episode. Every student, every, every staff. And she was like, I cannot believe it. I said, I know. I said, you're a busy lady. I don't know. So all that to say, Ani, I can guarantee you Jen's gonna hear this episode one way or the other. boy. I was I scared out of my mind for OB. Eric knows this too. ah I work with veterans. Okay, I work with basically the opposite population of OB most of the time. And my mom was like, Ani, shout out mom, you were probably right, but please don't. My mom was like, Ani, there's a really good chance in five years you're an OB nurse. We're gonna call it right now. And I was like, yeah, yeah, uh-huh. So yeah, great mom. So Jen, know, Jen comes up to me and she's like, hey kiddo, you're with me for OB. And I was like, Jen, I'm scared. Like, I don't wanna touch a baby. I don't know what a baby is basically at this point. I, I know what a baby is, but we're doing our OB lecture. And it's a really weird way to start out your sec, your J2 semester doing OB because anyone that hasn't done OB, it is a niche language in itself. It makes absolutely no sense for about the first five lectures. And then it will click. I promise, I promise it will click. hang on for like three to five lectures. Once you hear the words enough, it will start making sense. Do some supplemental reading. Anyway, that's my spark. the day on OB. But Jen had me in her OB rotation and my very first patient ever in OB, thank God, was a mama of her fourth baby. And so she knew the drill way better than I did. Jen started me on our posties, uh which was our little postpartum, which was an awesome place for me to start because the objective of that day was getting me acquainted to a baby. And so I go in and this mom hands me her baby because scrubs, scrubs give you an authority. Use that very gracefully and always ask questions and always stop if you are not comfortable because people trust you. Side note. And I held my arms straight out and she placed the baby in and I verbatim said, my God, what do I do with it? And I did uh I didn't realize that I had said this out loud. um Did that come out of my mouth? That didn't stay in the brain there? I just look over at my nurse and I look over at this mom and they are just looking at each other like, no, and I was mortified. And this mom goes, sweetie, let me show you. And she like wrapped her arms around me to show me how to hold your baby. And it was so fun. And then my nurse and Jen collectively decided that I had to be sequestered off into the NICU for uh as long as it took for me to pick up and set down babies. Because I was terrified of picking them up and setting them back down. Terrified of changing their diapers. When I have changed adult briefs so many times, it's much easier changing a baby's, I will say that. uh But I was terrified, you know, these are the tiny humans of the world. These are, these are people, these are little people that have just like, you are, you are some of the first. You were the first, some of the first voices they hear, some of the first faces they see. I just was like, my gosh, one day they're gonna have a driver's license or a Roth IRA or whatever. And I was just having this moment of panic, of just what do I do here? How do I? Long story short, um two shifts later, um Jen was like, you ready to see a C-section kid? It was the first birth I ever saw. And we go. And this little baby actually ended up being a case study for our OB class the next day. uh I used what Katie taught me was if I'm ever concerned in a situation, I always go to what is the worst case scenario possible? And if I can prep for that mentally, then I'm set for the day. And so I did that. And obviously with your patients at any point, life or death is their field that we work in. So death is the worst case scenario. That is not what happened. But this little baby had a really hard time breathing coming out. um There were retractions, is like, I'm not gonna explain that right now, but yeah, there was, you know, we had to do some breathing for this little baby and for this kiddo. And I thought I was just gonna be watching, but the nurse that I was with was like, hey, get some gloves and come give some breaths to this baby. And um you're gonna stimulate this baby and you are gonna, We are getting air in to this little baby because this kiddo's O2 was below 60 % for way too long. And so we ended up getting blow-by breathing going and we got him breathing again and got it to the NICU and the nurses let me do all the assessments that day and let my hand do everything. That's really rare in a NICU that they let students do that. Obviously, this was an appropriate situation and the nurses were right there with me. But at the end of the day, right when I was getting back to go home, this baby got to go back to their parents and I got to watch this baby and I heard like this joy like down the hall and I was like, this is it. This is it. Wow. How am I lucky? Am I blessed? I just saw, not only did I see someone's birthday, but I just saw a family. This is their first child. Like, I just saw love absolutely explode in that room. I just, I got to help facilitate that. Like, my God, these parents trusted me with this tiny human that they, this mother's body went through and father like creating and this- I just felt like so it was such a humbling moment, but it was just so beautiful. don't even have the words to describe it, but oh my gosh, it was just the best feeling I think I've ever had. And I will chase that feeling down. I think that feeling is like what pushes me. That feeling counteracted with what I learned from the code. Together pushed me to I think will, and I hope, will consistently push me 20 years down the line to always do that extra 1%. To always take an extra 30 seconds for a hug or a conversation or a debrief or a, like, they are just like the most blissful feelings, like so validating that you're in the right career, so profoundly humbling and beautiful all at the same time that like I don't even have, yeah, that's it. That's all I can say. Hehehehehe I'm just repeating myself because I don't have the right words for it, but... you're repeating yourself because it's that important. That's the thing. Like, my gosh, Ani, I can't. I ah don't wanna stop. I don't wanna stop. But we're gonna work. We'll put a pin in it here. Oh, Ani, you're amazing. You are a stellar human being. I'm honored to know you and I thank you for taking time to do this. Legit, there's no, not, this is, I just thank you. Thank you, thank you. With that. three words you used to describe nursing school. What were they again and why did you choose them? I think they were, okay wait, have to go, profound humbling and gratitude, and I'm pretty sure I've used all of them already, but profound because it's the most vast word that I can come up with that encompasses as many emotions that I can think of, ah Because I was joking around the other day with my mom that like, I was super grateful for all of these experiences, and this is completely a sarcastic joke because Eric Eric knows I'm really sarcastic, but like I was saying like I've had enough with the personal growth. I need to catch up to myself because otherwise I'm just going to crash at some point. I was completely joking. I'll take all the personal growth I can get because Lord knows I need it. profound was just the best word I could come up with. And then gratitude because I feel like having seen some of the situations that I've seen, both good and bad and literally anywhere in between, or even the patients where you have nothing to do for them all day and you're just so grateful because they're so autonomous, oh they just taught me gratitude. Like I just walk around and I feel like the sky's a little bluer and the grass is little greener. And even if not, like I just, you know. I'm so lucky that the legs that get me out of bed work still and that like the arms that I have get to hug my family. And so like that just, puts a lot of things in perspective for you. And then the last one was humbling because nursing school will humble the heck out of you. You you're going to fail a test or you're going to spike the wrong tubing and then have to dump it all out or spill it all over yourself or do what I did on accident of spray three different preceptors with a med. Um, trying to draw up medications, or accidentally spray your patient with a, um, saline flash while you're trying to prime it as they teach you in nursing school very gracefully. Um, And you just gotta roll with the punches, man, cause it is such a humbling experience. Like, you think you have one thing figured out and then it's like, psych! You don't! waps you upside the head and says, no, here we go. Here's your next lesson. But one day, you know, you'll confidently be able to spike a bag of normal saline and it'll feel like the biggest victory in the world and you never even realize that that was your victory for the day. So, it's a big one. my gosh, not spraying yourself or other human beings is a big victory for the day. Huge. Awesome. Ani, so I mean, you have already imparted so much freaking wisdom, but if there is one thing that you want someone to walk away from having listened to your two episodes, the one thing you want them to carry with them for the rest of their lives, what would that be? I would say... Be excited to grow and in the moments that feel like you have just reached your absolute maximum, whether it's you are staring silently at a floor or, you know, distracted because you're so over-simulated and your socks feel tight or like, whether, like whatever mindset you're in, if you have hit this like, this wall, um. Try your absolute hardest and muster up any last bit of energy you have to find any ounce of growth or gratitude that you can find because the second that you can find that, it will open up so many other doors for your mind to wander through and so many other routes to process. And just understand that both yourself, your patients, your family, your friends, the staff around you, everyone is a growing evolution of themselves. And so... giving your time to just simply be human is absolutely enough. The fact that you're human is enough. Point blank period. And the fact that they are is enough too. giving the space to grow, but also allowing yourself a minute to just be human and finding that balance is an awesome way to approach those situations if you have nothing else or no other tools to approach it. Well said. Nothing left for this guy to flap his gums on about. Ani, thank you so much for taking time today just opening those doors into, something that we hope some people never have to go through, but if you do, now you know how to go through it, not only with grace and with, there's a word called aplomb. I'll let you guys look that up, but with grace and aplomb. And it's just, thank you, Ani, thank you so much. You're not Grandma Ani, but. uh Gosh darn it, have you got some wisdom and just a beautiful old soul. So thank you so much. thank you, Eric.