Ep. 16: Doing teshuva with your voice

Your voice is a core part of you and how you express yourself in the world. So of course your voice should be part of the teshuva conversation. Listen to this episode for inspiration and tips to returning to your best self and voice.

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Transcript

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Hello! And welcome back to the Jewish singer podcast. Thanks so much for listening. I hope you're doing well and feeling good in this intense time in the Jewish calendar. At least it feels like it can be intense for people, right? We're all busy trying to tip the scales in our favor and doing lots of mitzvahs and preparing for the chagim and running errands. And like, it's a bit of a crazy time and I always have a hard time really connecting to what we're supposed to be doing right now, which is, you know, doing teshuva. So today I want to talk about teshuva and it's the thing about, about teshuva is it really does permeate to all aspects of our lives, right? So we have what to say about it with the voice. And I like to get a little woo woo this time of year and talk about Teshuvah as it relates to singing. So before we get started, please make sure to like, follow, save, subscribe on your podcast platform, wherever it is that you're listening or watching. I really appreciate that. So let's get into it. So. What do you mean, Nechama Leah? How are the voice and teshuvah related? Like, ma kesher? It's a little woo woo, right? You might be thinking that. So let's discuss. I'm going a little bit off the cuff today. Well, actually, I sat down. To record a different topic of the episode. And I was like, what am I doing? We're in this time of teshuva. I need to be talking about this. And I like feverishly typed out for like 20 minutes, what I wanted to say in just one go. And so we'll see, we'll see what we get with this. Um, there's some cool deep stuff in here, I think. So Elul is the essence of Virgo. Which is all about action. I happen to be a Virgo. Virgos tend to be perfectionists. They like the details. They want things to be neat and organized and sorted out. And so it really makes sense to me that during Elul we are doing Cheshbon HaNafesh. And we are trying to sort out our Neshama. Our nefesh, our guf, our everything. We're trying to sort out our lives and, but it's more than just sitting around and meditating about our failures, right? We are making decisions and taking action for the better. So the King is in the field. We all know that that's like the thing of this month. The king is in the field and we have to go. Out to the field to meet the king, right? We have a leg up and Hashem is accessible to us right now so we have to take action and we can't just sit where we are and hope that things are going to get better. And that that's obviously on a spiritual level with regard to your connection to Hashem and also with other people and yourself. So just basically that energy is permeating the world right now. And so it's just a very ripe time for changes and to better yourself in whatever way that you see fit. So as this relates to the voice, I think it's a perfect time to be factoring in your voice in your Cheshbon, into your accounting of your life. So what is it that you want for your singing this year? How do you want to use your voice? And this is not just about singing, like, Oh, I want to do gigs, and I want to do, um, I want to take some voice lessons. Yes, all of that stuff is relevant. But it's also about, like, how are you just using your voice in your day to day life? With singing, or with speaking even. How you use your voice in the real world is very much related to and affected by and will affect how you use, how you use your voice in singing. So since we're talking about teshuva for your voice, here's some questions I want you to consider as part of your cheshbon, and these are just examples, but are you someone who shies away from saying what you really want or need? Do you keep quiet? Because someone told you that you're too much or you're too loud or you're, you know, whatever. Or maybe do you find that you say too much because you want to please people and so you tend to over explain yourself. So you're kind of using your voice in a way that's like, you're overdoing, you're over saying. And that's showing up in your relationships as like you feeling a little bit, um, over extended. Or maybe a little. nervous. Maybe there's some nervous energy behind that. Do you speak with tension? Is your larynx really high up in your throat and tight? And is your pitch a little high because maybe you're worried about being liked, or you're worried about being heard. So you're kind of like having to like shout a little bit. It's squeezy, or maybe it's nasal. Right? These are all ways that our inner world is being reflected in our voice. And the voice can shed some light on things that you didn't know that you needed to work out within yourself. And these things come up in voice lessons all the time. So I've like seen it all and I see how they affect the singing voice, but just as much and sometimes more so they affect the speaking voice. And so sometimes we don't think to go there. As singers, we're not always considering what's happening in our speaking voice. And we're just, concerned with what's happening in the singing, but it's, it's very important and it's very relevant and being aware of it and making small changes in your voice can make a big impact all around. So from personal experience, I, I've seen how working on my voice and, Working on my mental state are so connected. I, I used to have a lot of tension in my neck and jaw, tongue, larynx, like the whole thing. Um, I spoke with all of that tightness as well. One time I had somebody. They asked me, I grew up in California and in high school, he were doing this mock interview thing. And somebody thought like the interviewer, the mock interviewer said where are you from? And I was like here. And they're like, you sound like you're from the Midwest, which if you know anything about Midwest, accents and dialect, like it's pretty. It's pretty like closed down, and a little bit spread like this way. So, Oh, don't you know? And everything's coming through a kind of like a tiny, uh, opening and a little bit spread in here. It's like, Oh, you know, sorry, forgive me. If anyone's from the Midwest, that's a stereotypical, you know. Someone from California might, might perceive it that way. So I realized, I mean, that's not something I really like gave much thought to until later when I was doing a lot of voice work, but it's because I was very tight. I was not free. You can hear now how different it is. Today, right from that sound to this sound, I've learned to release my jaw and to speak out. And I realized that, that way of speech was very much due to lack of confidence. You know? Some people are just really comfortable taking up a lot of space, making a lot of noise, you know, being themselves. And they just have this outspoken energy. Um, and that was not me. That was opposite of me. I was very shy. I was very self aware and self conscious. And I didn't trust that. I had something valuable to share or that I could speak up for myself or speak out that I could just speak into a room and like that somebody would want to hear what I had to say, okay, I was hiding and that journey of healing is still ongoing for sure. But it actually started with singing because when I started taking voice lessons and realized how much I loved singing, it was really, I, it was because I was learning to open myself. It was learning to open up and using my mouth and my voice in a bigger way. And I had this realization of. Oh, wow. Like it's safe for me to show up this way in the world when for so many years, I just didn't believe that that was true. And this podcast is another layer of that for me, honestly. Uh, it's, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm doing teshuva as we speak, as I speak, because I, I have not been one to just open my mouth and talk, you know, to just talk and trust that I have, Something that people want to hear about, right? It is taking me this long until I'm 38 years old to trust that I have something inside of me that is valuable to share enough that I could sit on a podcast episode for 20 minutes and just talk to you. And it's a big deal, and that comes up for us as singers as well, right? Like sometimes some of us don't trust that we have this big, This voice that is worthy and beautiful to share with the world. So if any of these things are resonating. With you use it as part of this that we're doing at this time of year to make some decisions and make some goals about, about how, how do you want to change that? How do you want to live? How can you make small changes and alter that either self perception or just, you know, a physical change in the way that you use your voice? So that you can, really live into your potential. Our voices, it's not stum, right? We all have a voice because we have to use it for good in the world. And if we are hiding, or if we are, you know, toning it down or taming ourselves or just, coloring it differently for the sake of other people, then you're leaving something on the table here. Yeah. You're hiding some of your own, purpose, potentially. So going back to the action bit, I'll stay on this example. I was giving about my voice. The change happened in me from making very small changes. Okay. So, you know, I just described this like transformation, but it happened slowly. I was in college when I started taking voice lessons and discovered this, you know, Oh, wow. I'm a singer. Oh, wow. I could open, I could be this kind of person, you know? The small change, the first thing I really learned about was, I need to open my, my mouth more, I need to release my jaw, and it was, it was very weird for me, but it was that small change that I focused on for many months, in fact, to release, open, allow myself to be vulnerable, because if you're someone Who has jaw tension or is a little shy like I was, you'll know how vulnerable it feels to open your mouth that few more centimeters, you know, just like, yeah, two more centimeters, whatever it is, it's weird. It feels like that's not safe. or potentially it could feel like that for you. And so having to release into that and let go and realize, okay, I'm safe in that place,, and it's a small change that you can do that will build on itself. And it takes a willingness to go there, to go somewhere new, to walk out into that field, so to speak, and relax into that new way. Of being, and this literally goes for any technical skill that you might be working on in your voice. And I just want to say that an important distinction or important point to make here is that this doing that's happening, this action that's happening is bringing you back to a freer and more authentic version of yourself. And that's what tshuva is all about, right? Tshuva really means returning. You're returning to your higher self and to Hashem. And so sometimes I feel like the question could come up of like, well, shouldn't I just be doing nothing? Like, what do you mean I have to take action to return to myself? Like, isn't there sort of a passivity? Is that a right word? Passiveness? Passiveness. I don't know. Passivity about a returning and in some regards, it can be, I think it depends on the situation, But the truth is that we live in a world of hishtadlus of using our efforts to get to the spiritual, we are not. not only spiritual beings, we are physical beings and we have to use the physical world to achieve spiritual heights. And we're always leveling up in that way. And even with the voice, it will take some effort, but usually mental effort to come out of that conditioned way of doing things. But once I've broken free of that physical hold, literally physical hold that that tension has on me and my voice, then I will now be elevated into a new state of singing and speaking. And I can use my voice in a freer and more authentic way. So I am returning to how my voice was meant to function and probably did function at some point. In my life before judgment and fear and all of that got in the way, but I have to break free. I have to do, I have to take action and I have to be brave enough to go into that new space in order to find that place of authenticity and that returning to the natural state of things. So it's interesting that in this mashal, basically in this example, the doing is also an undoing an undoing of the belief that we have control or that we need to control everything that we need to control the sound, uh, what happens when you just let go. A little bit, you know, so I have to do, I have to try something new, but I have to do it with this understanding. That it's safe and I will be caught. Hashem's got me That's when you can enter that state of co creating with Hashem because you're just allowing. The sound to flow through you when you achieve that freedom, it really does feel exhilarating and spiritual. You I had a friend in college, I remember this like it's yesterday because I was so in awe of her that she said that when she sings that she feels like she's communicating with Hashem, like she is accessing a godly place in herself. And at that time I was like, Whoa, what? I'm so jealous of that. You know, back then I was really tense. Very uptight, too worried about me in the equation. You know, I just, I wasn't there yet. I mean, not to any fault of my own, but I, it was, there was a bit of like ego. It wasn't coming from a, from a place of Oh, it has to be about me, but rather like, it just, it was. It just is about me because I haven't come into my actualized self yet. Someone who is confident in that I have a gift to share with the world. And because I was put here on this world for a reason, Hashem put me here, you know, that's the whole idea of humility versus arrogance. There's an aspect of arrogance in lack of confidence, right? That we're just, we're so worried about ourselves and it's not, I don't mean that in a negative way because I'm talking about myself too, but when we come out of that and we can just see ourselves as that kli that is working with Hashem to do these good things. Cool things in the world. Then suddenly it becomes a lot less pressure because you're like, Oh, well, I'm just here doing what I was like meant to do, you know, I'm just like here on a mission and suddenly it doesn't, it doesn't have to become so but, but am I doing it right? You know, it's like, You were here to do what you are doing and you're good, you know, so anyway, that was a little tangent, but over the years I've gotten to peel back those layers of discomfort and, and fear and tension and just like, Oh, I'm doing it wrong. And, and discover that sense of release that my friend had and was finding and just I'm communicating with my higher self and my higher being here, you know, So just to reiterate a little bit, what I was saying, we see that teshuva, returning back to your authentic voice is a dance of doing. You know, doing vocal exercises, finding new sounds, finding new ways of, of, of doing things with, that back and forth with the undoing, the release of the tension, the release of the worry, release of ego. And we need two sides of that coin. And we get to invite Hashem into the picture as Jewish singers, you know, there's no separation. It's all with his help and for a kiddush Hashem. so like I was saying before, I, I feel in a way that that takes a little bit of the pressure off, you know, it's like, this is not about me. And if I'm an amazing singer, it's about expressing. Truth and expressing beauty and expressing our spirituality. So remembering that, can help, I think, to find some of that release and some of that, you know, while we're working through these actions that we, that we have to do. Right. It's with anything we're doing in life. We have to do mitzvahs, we have to run to do this, we have to run to do that. And we just know, we have emunah that Hashem has got us through all of that. So while you're taking stock, taking accounting this week and leading up to Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur, I invite you to think about the ways. That you can make small changes in your voice that will bring you into more alignment, physically and spiritually, and to let go and open yourself to change and to Hashem being a part of that picture cause you are unique and Hashem made your voice exactly how it is so that you can affect those around you in special and unique ways. So you're returning to your voice, not anybody else's voice, not what you think that you're supposed to be sounding like. And fall in love with that, fall in love with your own voice, your sound, and let that be the light unto the world. Thank you so much for listening. I hope that you got something out of that, and I want to wish you a kesima v'chasima Tovah and Shana Tovah, and have a wonderful Chag, and happy singing!