Trump's First Day, Super Bowl Contenders, and The Best Snacks | Ep. 30

Renaming geographical regions on a whim, fictional President Donald Trump is back at it with his satirical antics, and we're here to unravel the hilarity. From unconventional policy changes to the whimsical world of American politics and culture, we roast it all before switching gears to tackle the NFL. Will the Washington Commanders triumph over the Philadelphia Eagles, and how exactly do Eagles fans deal with such devastating news? We throw in some cheeky critiques and predictions about the anticipated Bills versus Chiefs showdown, navigating the sports world with humor and flair.

Chapters

• 0:00 Trump's Policy Changes and NFL Picks
• 17:51 Colin Cowherd and NFL Picks
• 21:45 NFL Player Safety and Sliding Rules

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Trump renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. He also plans to rename South America USA South and to rename Eric Fredo. Norman Chad, norman Chad Welcome to Gambling Mad with Norman Chad. I am Norman Chad Coming up today on the program. Once again, we give no love to Eagles fans and Philadelphia. We give lots of love to our Mount Rushmore of old school snacks and we get no love from Fox Sports. Loudmouth, colin Cowherd. Gambling Mad, as always, brought to you by Fritos Picked fresh off of Central California trees every morning, delivered directly to your local retailer each afternoon, and by the refreshing taste of Fresca. Fritos and Fresca. It's a meal. Donald Trump is now the 47th president of these United States. I know this to be true. I read about it on X In this special edition of Trump Tittle Tattle. Let's go through all the damage the twice-impeached, somewhat felonious former reality TV show star has inflicted on the declining American empire in his first days occupying Mar-a-Lago North Cue the music. Trump renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. He also plans to rename South America USA South and to rename Eric Fredo. Trump pulled the United States out of the Paris climate agreement. He also suggested we switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius, so it doesn't seem as hot in the summer. Trump pardoned almost all January Sixers and immediately assigned them to the newly formed Department of Insurrectionists. Trump rescinded President Biden's 2021 order that had repealed a ban on transgender personnel in the US military. They now act as personal shoppers for Elon Musk's transgender daughter. Trump named Mel Gibson, sylvester Stallone and John Voight as ambassadors to Hollywood.

Speaker 1: 2:24

First Order of business, a remake of the Birth of a Nation. Trump ended birthright citizenship in the United States. This might inadvertently strip the US citizenship of second lady Usha Vance, who reportedly told friends this could be my ticket out of this hellhole. Trump bought Melania a hat to prevent any other man from getting within three feet of her face. Trump withdrew the US from the World Health Organization and instructed robot-like son-in-law, jared Kushner, to make the largest purchase in world history of Flintstone chewable vitamins. Trump declared a national emergency on the US-Mexico border, then ordered the Nachos Bel Grande combo from Taco Bell for lunch. Trump directed federal employees to come back to the office. The order does not affect Elon Musk, who will continue to work from the gates of hell. Trump signed an edict to officially recognize only two sexes himself and whomever he is trying to fuck. And finally, donald Trump set back dancing 250 years. That's Trump tittle-tattle for this week.

Speaker 1: 3:41

On a somewhat related note, let's turn to the Pete Hegseth confirmation hearings on his nomination to be Secretary of Defense. Oklahoma Senator Mark Wayne Mullen argued that even if Hegseth showed up to work drunk, as was alleged, we too here in the US Senate sometimes have shown up drunk to work. So who are we to hold him accountable for those actions? This, my friends, is the state of American exceptionalism at this moment. Okay, I have my own trusty flask. Oh dang, that's some good stuff. It's now clear to me that Pete Hegseff or myself can oversee the military.

Speaker 1: 4:47

Let me talk to the haters out there for a moment. You can hate this mug, but don't hate on this man. Which brings us to the NFL picks. This week on X, I made reference to the Los Angeles Times shortcomings. Some Yahoo from Yuxville tweeted back at me that I was an expert on shortcomings and he put up two screenshots of my recent incorrect NFL picks. Oh please, really Okay, folks. 39-34-1 during this year's NFL regular season for me, 5-4-1 in the postseason. This has been an off year for me, so stop hating on me. Anonymous Xer Plus, I was distracted by the election and, of course, by Taylor Swift's heiress tour coming to a close. Let's get to the NFL picks.

Speaker 1: 5:37

Commanders at Eagles Washington is a feel-good story First-year quarterback Jaden Daniels, first-year coach Dan Quinn, second-year owner Josh Harris. So the team rid itself of toxic tyrant Dan Snyder and now makes its first NFC championship in 34 years. Quinn, meanwhile, wants redemption for blowing a 28-3 third-quarter lead to the New England Patriots in Super Bowl 51 when he was coaching the Atlanta Falcons. Nobody, nobody, has ever forgiven him for that. And Jaden Daniels he's trying to become the first rookie quarterback to ever reach the Super Bowl. I hope it happens.

Speaker 1: 6:18

Let's talk about the Eagles. They have grit. They have Saquon Barkley. Those are the positives. Let's talk about the negatives. Those are the positives. Let's talk about the negatives.

Speaker 1: 6:29

To paraphrase WC Fields, I once spent a year in Philadelphia one weekend. Eagle fans are usually among the bottom three in the NFL, competing with Jets fans, raiders fans, patriots fans, just to be the most obnoxious crowd out there. Bills fans, for instance. They deserve something good to happen. Eagles fans, philadelphia fans do not deserve to see the Eagles get to the Super Bowl for the third time in eight seasons. You know, I don't care about Betsy Ross, I don't care about the Rocky Steps, I don't care about the Declaration of Independence. The city of brotherly love, no, the city of boorish brothers who would boo a sunset. And I just read that 52% of Philadelphia adults are functionally illiterate. 52%, that's a landslide. I am going to take the commanders in this one plus six points.

Speaker 1: 7:27

Against the Eagles, the Bills are playing at the Chiefs. Let's start with an amazing stat. The Chiefs did not score more than 30 points a game in any game this season. The Bills have scored 30 or more points in 13 of their 19 games. The Bills beat the Chiefs in Buffalo two months ago 30-21, handing the Chiefs their only real loss of the season. That was then. This is now Now, and then things change, and so this is what I can tell you. Right now, with Patrick Mahomes at quarterback, the Chiefs are playing in their seventh consecutive AFC championship game. That is remarkable.

Speaker 1: 8:08

Equally remarkable and unfortunate is that heartbreak is headed to Buffalo again. Heartbreak will come either this week or at the Super Bowl in two more weeks. Heartbreak is the city's slogan. If Moses, if Moses had carried the Ten Commandments into Buffalo, he would have dropped and shattered the tablets on the shores of Lake Erie. The Bills have never won a Super Bowl. The Bills once lost four straight Super Bowls four straight Super Bowls back before the internet. You can look it up at your local library. It is not in the cards for the Bills, unless maybe the team moves to Albany or Schenectady. Buffalo, new York, is NFL cursed. The city may as well suffer the heartbreak against Patrick Mahomes because it will be less painful than if it happens at Super Bowl 59. I'm going to take the Chiefs minus two in this one against the Bills.

Speaker 1: 9:09

Here is the true story of a man turning a bad day into a good day in a very unexpected fashion. An Anne Arundel County, maryland technician was driving on a Maryland highway when a vehicle cut him off, nearly causing an accident. He made a mental note of the other car's license plate number, perhaps to later report it. Instead, the man ended up at Doc's F&B Liquors in Glen Burnie later that day and he decided to play the Maryland State Lottery. He bought 10 $1 tickets for the pick five game and on every ticket he used the offending automobiles license plate number. The man went home and went to sleep. After waking up the next morning he checked the lottery app on his phone for the winning numbers and found out he was $500,000 richer. Thank you very much to Ed Silverstein from casinoorg for this story.

Speaker 1: 10:08

Okay, what have we learned here? I think we've learned a very important lesson. When we have a problem on the road, say someone cuts you off, we often do one of three things we honk the horn long and hard, or we flip the bird to the other driver, or we try to catch up to the other car so we can cut them off. This is all this frankly dumbass road rage that accomplishes nothing. What we should do is memorize the license plate of the other motorist, find the nearest lottery vendor and play those numbers. What's the worst thing that can happen to you? You waste a few bucks and the best thing, you win a half a million and you're going to Sizzler.

Speaker 1: 10:52

A couple of years back, southwest switched its free snack option on flights. Instead of peanuts or pretzels, southwest went entirely to graham crackers. Not just any graham crackers. They went with Remy's the Don Perignon of graham crackers. Now, I didn't know this. This graham cracker, this graham cinnamon graham cracker, tastes amazing, okay, so amazing.

Speaker 1: 11:19

Like many other people, I then went online to see where I could buy them or find them. Two unusual things. One they're only sold in these one ounce packages. Two, they are so popular they're often sold out. So when they finally came back in stock, I bought a case 144 of them. Okay, for my home. Tony thought I was crazy, yeah, crazy, like a cinnamon, graham cracker fox. They are awesome. Okay, we give them out to friends, but not too many, because we don't want to run out of them. 144 will go down to zero in a hurry. Okay, they are wholesome, in addition to being awesome ingredient wise. But this matters not to me. I want great taste, not great health. Remy's apparently does both.

Speaker 1: 12:06

By the way, right after I got addicted to them, southwest made another snack change. They couldn't leave well enough alone. So Remy's now are not available on all flights. Sometimes Southwest now offers this. It's another sublimely delicious snack. It is stellar.

Speaker 1: 12:25

Maui monk mini pretzel braids. These babies have vegan butter braid with Maui onion style seasoning and monk fruit. I have no idea what any of that stuff is, but what I do know is this the good news is they are as tasty as Remy's Graham crackers. The bad news is that the package is half a size More shrinkflation. One ounce, half an ounce. We can't catch a break Time Time for our Mount Rushmore of old school snacks, nothing new age, nothing sun-baked, nothing guilt-free.

Speaker 1: 13:11

Let's start with Ruffles. Ruffles have ridges Game over. You don't think ridges are not critical to Ruffles' success. The guy who thought of those ridges currently lives in Monte Carlo with his wife, his girlfriend, his mistress and two Siberian Huskies. Okay, ridges are revolutionary. If the British had ruffles we'd probably lose that war in 1783. And don't talk to me about wavy lays. Yeah, they're wavy, that's not ridges. Plus, there is the ruffles taste Pure, simple and classic.

Speaker 1: 13:50

Next, cheez-its. That's right, cheez-its, not Cheetos. First off, I prefer the 100% real cheese taste of Cheez-Its. Secondly, you can eat Cheez-Its, say, in a tuxedo, and not get an orangey mess all over it. Third of all, I don't know, I love the squares, perfect squares, not rectangles Squares. And fifth of all, I am talking about the original Cheez-Its, not any of those couple of dozen other bizarre flavors that ultimate frisbee goofballs and beach volleyballers probably eat.

Speaker 1: 14:29

Next, bugles Bugles, good people. First, let's talk about the fact that bugles are shaped like bugles. This is, next level, brilliant. Would you eat a corn snack that's shaped like an accordion or a cello? No, but a bugle, but like a bugle Sound, the bell Sound, the alarm Sound. The bugles which, by the way, I think is sound. The bugles which, by the way, I think is a song. Bugles taste like childhood Bugles taste like pure innocence. There is no equivalent taste on the market. It is beyond distinctive, it is unique. No one, no one, has ever tried to duplicate or replicate bugles. Can't be done. The key ingredient de-germed yellow cornmeal and maybe a hint of monoglyceride. They don't tell you about.

Speaker 1: 15:27

Finally, our last old school snack on the Mount Rushmore of old school snacks Fritos. Who could see that coming? What you expect? A check mix or Pringles? Fritos are picked daily off of Central California trees. When you eat Fritos, you do not have a problem for the rest of the day, not great for dipping. Then get Fritos, scoops you dingleberries Plus. The smell of a single Frito is a proven aphrodisiac. That's one of the two reasons the ladies always love to come home with the man. I am the man. There you have it, your Mount Rushmore of old-school snacks Ruffles, cheez-its, bugles and Fritos.

Speaker 1: 16:20

You ever wonder why sushi costs so much? Well, a 608-pound bluefin tuna sold at auction in Tokyo earlier this month for $1.3 million, that is, $2,100 a pound. Budget-conscious diners might want to lay off the sashimi for a while and take a harder look at Applebee's $9.99 chicken sandwich with endless fries and endless drinks meal deal. A Michelin-starred Japanese sushi restaurant chain was the big buyer here and this bluefin was an Oma tuna considered the black diamond of tuna fish FYI. After the tuna was caught and before being euthanized, it requested Wagyu filet mignon with a side of tater tots for its last meal.

Speaker 1: 17:11

I got a DM on X this week from a Steve Finley from Berkeley, california, who wrote to me. I heard you mention on Gambling Mad. You love Colin Cowherd. How can anyone love this guy? He's too smug and he's too Hollywood and he acts like he is never wrong. I have a ton of respect for Colin Cowherd. He knows how to make an argument, how to build an argument, no matter how ridiculous. He knows how to run a sports talk show. He's well prepared. He actually thinks before he talks. You know, I say all this despite the fact that Colin Cowherd did me dirty once.

Speaker 1: 17:51

I'll tell you what happened when he started at ESPN Radio about 20 years ago, and this is before he switched over to Fox Sports. Espn just shoved me onto his show for once a week NFL picks, which is what I do here now. I love going on there, I love the banter with Colin, and several people I know told me that they really enjoyed the segments. When we were coming up on the next NFL season, I realized I had not heard from Colin's people yet, so I emailed my contact there. The week the NFL was starting he emailed me back that Colin had decided to go in a different direction. So it goes to go in a different direction. So it goes Now.

Speaker 1: 18:34

I have been fired many times, but this one, this one, hurt more than the others because I wasn't even being paid. I mean, you know that they really don't think much of what you're doing when it's not even a financial decision. I was working for free and they still didn't want my work. Anyway, I still listen to Colin from time to time. I don't think he listens to me. Colin now, by the way, now has his own media company called the Volume, and they run a lot of different podcasts on there. So when I was starting this podcast, I tried to contact him, but I never heard back. It wouldn't even cost him a penny and he still doesn't want to hear my voice.

Speaker 1: 19:19

Before we wrap up. I'm going to say this one time and one time only I don't want to see your feet on my next flight. I've got nothing against feet they're probably my fourth or fifth favorite body part but one that has become standard to take off your shoes, take off your socks and let those footsies fly near my face. The French philosopher Voltaire once said I should like to lie at your feet and die in your arms. Should like to lie at your feet and die in your arms. Voltaire was an idiot.

Speaker 1: 19:59

I don't care if it's first class or economy plus, I don't care if it's Swiss air or Alaska air. I don't want to see you barefoot in 17A when I'm in 17C. This ain't the beach or a steam bath or a Thanksgiving dinner at Marjorie Taylor Greene's home Heck. Back in the day, my grandparents would dress up. You used to dress up when they took a flight. Now everybody is stripping down. Well, two can play that game. The next time someone goes barefoot in my row, I am going bare-chested. I believe we'll be talking emergency landing, and that will do it for another edition of Gambling Mad with Norman Chad. Hope to see you again next time and remember, if you're going to roll the dice, make sure they're loaded.

Speaker 1: 20:56

Yeah, we've got to protect quarterbacks. Everyone understands that Quarterbacks are the face of the NFL, the bright lights on the marquee, so it makes sense from a business standpoint to keep them healthy. Earlier in the century the NFL had Tom Brady, peyton Manning, ben Roethlisberger, drew Brees. What a group of Hall of Famers. Now the NFL has Patrick Mahomes, josh Allen, lamar Jackson, joe Burrow. Another group of Hall of Famers, by the way, somewhere in there was Aaron Rodgers, but he drifted away on an iceberg to the Bermuda Triangle Anyhow. The question is how do we keep these great quarterbacks on the field without ruining the game? Take the case of Patrick Mahomes. At the moment, it appears Mahomes has secret service protection. The other day I bumped into Mahomes reaching for an avocado at Safeway and they threw me out of the store.

Speaker 1: 21:45

Then there's the sliding stuff, which has become problematic. When the quarterback starts to run, he's allowed to slide to give himself up and avoid hard hits, except a defender is coming at him at 200 miles an hour and is taught not to hit him in the head or neck area, but by the time he's about to tackle the quarterback, in the waist area, the quarterback starts to slide late, so the defender ends up hitting him in the head or neck area because that's what's in front of him. The defender can't stop his momentum on a dime. Hey, if you are about to penetrate your sexual partner and a building alarm goes off, you can't just pull out, pull on your pants and run out of the hotel room. We're men, it's football. Let them play, let them hit people. Let them play and let them hit people. You don't want people to get hit. Start the National Backgammon League, because you pansy asses are making me gambling mad.

Speaker 2: 22:44

Gambling Mad with Norm Chad is written by Norm Chad and ghostwritten by Norm Chad, executive producer John Scheinberg, rick Barriodil and produced by Norm Chad and Rick Barriodil. Associate producers Brie Coord and on editing Asher Pride. Thank you.