Cry-Laughing In The Void

What happens when the thing you’ve been obsessed with, the thing your identity, business, and purpose were built around.... Just… Fades?

In this raw, unfiltered voice note from the in-between, I talk about what it feels like to let go of astrology as the center of my life, navigate the terrifying (and liberating) void, and wonder whether people will still care if I’m not performing, producing, or “proving” my worth.

I didn’t edit this. I didn’t plan this.

I just pressed record (at 7:00am on a Saturday lol) because something real needed to be said.

We talk:

• Obsession cycles + creative identity shifts
• Fear of being irrelevant when you change
• Why astrology still lives in me, even if I’m not obsessing
• The podcast episode that shocked me with how many people cared
• Money, worth, business, and how I’m not pretending to have answers

If you’re in a season of becoming, breaking the mold, or building something new from the rubble of the old, this one’s for you.

Do yourself a favor and get Higher Self healing Codes here.

Form to ask advice or share things with me anonymously here.

Transcript

0:00

Okay. Something wild just happened and, okay. And I have had to do this in higher self-healing codes. That's my self-paced, uh, astrology course where I teach you how to use astrology chat, GPT to basically get astrology insights whenever you want. I use it every single day. So this is what's so wild. I recorded a podcast the other day on my Italy trip and my surrender experiment. And if you haven't listened to that podcast, um, go back and listen to it. I've had so many people reach out to me about that podcast and how they resonate with it and how it's exactly where they feel like they're in life right now. And just to give you the TLDR. I basically was saying how I feel like I'm in a void right now and how I have this cycle of getting obsessed with things and making it my whole life, and sometimes that cycle lasts. You know, 16 to 20 years like it did when I was into nutrition and health and fitness. And sometimes it lasts two years. Like, um, well actually this astrology obsession has been longer than two years, but I've been doing the business for two years. Um, my retreat cycle was about two and a half years. My cycle into obsessing over cannabis was about eight years. So I have these like long-term obsessions where something becomes my whole life, but when I'm not obsessed anymore, I just can't get myself to do it. And usually I just stop being as obsessed and then that thing naturally integrates into my life. So, for example, I was obsessed with studying nutrition and health and all those different things for 20 something years. And when I stopped being obsessed with it, it's not that nutrition and fitness left my life, it's that it integrated into my life. Like I just naturally am a healthy person now. I'm always gonna go to the gym. I'm always going to eat healthy. I'm just not obsessed with like learning the signs behind it and. You know, learning different diets and different workout routines and this and that. I've just really, it's just integrated into my being and I just know how to be healthy, and it's not something I have to second guess or question or look into anymore. It's very intuitive for me, and that happened with cannabis. Like cannabis. I was obsessed with it. I grew it like that's how me and Ryan got together. Now it's just integrated into my life, and I have it in abundance. I mean, Ryan. Has his own grow. So I literally just have an, and he, he's in the cannabis industry and has all of these connections. And so I just have cannabis and abundance in my life, and I still utilize it for sleep every day. And I love having it in my life, but it's not my whole life. Same thing with retreats. I still travel the country and go to different events and retreats. It's just I'm not hosting them anymore. It's not my whole life. And so now with astrology. I am just not obsessing over it as I have for like a really long time now, like years now. Where I would just like research it all the time and make all these different connections. I just don't feel that desire to do that right now. And I had a client reach out to me and be like, oh no, you're not gonna stop talking about astrology. I need you. And I said, no, I'm just not obsessing over it anymore. It's integrating it. I'm integrating it into my life, and I'm just feeling like I'm in the void right now and I'm feeling this. Feeling of just wanting to be more me and wanting to break the mold of what I'm doing, even though I. Jess had a whole website built for my astrology business. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm feeling like something new wants to emerge. I'm in what? A new cycle? And, and this void feels a little scary, but it also feels liberating and exciting.'cause I feel like I'm just gonna be recording podcasts like this, right? Just, I'm being real. I'm telling you who I am. I'm telling you my journey. I'm telling you what's going on in my head, and this is what's going on in my head right now. And so what's so wild? Back to my higher self-healing codes is I did the process where I, I teach you in higher self-healing codes, how to go in there, get your current transits, bring them into chat, GBT, and then chat. GBT tells you what's going on with you right now. And then I teach you how to ask, like how to learn the lesson basically.'cause that's what I always do when I go into chat GPT. So based on my current transits right now, I'm feeling really afraid about money. I'm feeling really afraid about, um, you know, like whether I'm worthy, if I'm not giving astrology advice, whether I'm, I just feel like a lot of my clients that I'm working with are also just like crushing it right now and doing so well, and, you know, I even have like worth issues coming up there. I know it sounds ridiculous, like, oh, your clients are doing so well and you're having worth issues come up. But I am, it's, it's like, and it's because of certain aspects going on in my chart right now and what else is going on. It's, it's just this void feeling, you know, I'm so used to having something that. I'm obsessed with that when I go through these periods of not being obsessed with something, because usually I'm obsessed with something for years at a time, I feel lost. Yeah. I, I, I feel, I feel afraid, and I don't think I've ever recorded a podcast like this, so I'm just sharing it here. But I feel this desire to just be more raw and real. I feel this desire to just go on adventures around, like where I currently live. Like I, I just keep having this desire to just drive two hours away, you know, every single day and find a new place that I can adventure and explore and see how it opens my horizons. Because that's what really Italy did for me is I, it opened. I love new experiences. I want to explore the crevices of life, and I know that's part of my birth chart, my north nodes and Sagittarius in the third house. I'm literally here to explore everything, the crevices of gain, all the experiences, gain all of'em. And it's also in my jean keys. It says that I'm here to literally experience every aspect of life, like all of it, like every little nook and cranny. And I feel that within myself. And so I've just been feeling like I want to just break out of the mold, but it's scary because I only have. Like I'm only financially secure really for the next couple of months with where I'm at right now. And if I'm going to stop pitching, like I'm not gonna do birth chart readings anymore. For example, I don't want to do birth chart readings anymore. So it's a, no, I just took them off my website. I do wanna coach, I'll always wanna coach. I love listening to people. So that's staying on my website. But I have this fear, like if I'm not talking solely about astrology, will my business continue to thrive? And. With past experience. Every time I've gone and jumped off the cliff like this, it has always worked out better than I could ever imagine. But it doesn't stop it from being fucking terrifying and scary. And that's where I'm at right now. So anyways, back to this chat, GBT, astrology Transits, I'm all over the place. That's just how my brain works. My apologies. Um. Literally chat GBT reflected back to me. The exact thing I just told you guys, it said in my transits and it didn't know. It didn't know I was thinking any of these things. I haven't had this conversation with chat. GBT. It said you're he right now. Basically, the sky wants you to have astrology to be more integrated into your life and it wants you to be more authentic and not base your worth on what you can provide for people. But, but base your worth on who you are and sharing your journey and, um, just. And like breaking the mold and doing new thing and ha things and having new experiences and doing things you've never done before, and trusting that you don't need to have like a worthy thing to bring to someone. Trusting that you can just come on. Like I could just come on. This podcast is basically what I was saying and I can just talk. And it's so funny because when I shared the Italy episode. About my trip to Italy, I remember thinking like, is anyone gonna fucking care about this episode? It's about my trip to Italy and how I liked Italy, and this is an astrology podcast and I truly believe that people wouldn't give a shit. Like I truly believed, like why would someone give a shit about what I have to say about Italy? Why would someone give a shit about me if it's not benefiting them? That's what I told myself. I have had the most reach outs about that podcast out of every podcast I've put out, and I, I remember I've been like. I am so confused around that. To be honest, I would cry. I'm so confused and, but also like liberated, like this is like a happy cry that's coming out of me right now because I'm like, wait, people will care just about what I have to say and not just about the fact that I can tell them something astrological that's gonna change their life. And it's, it's healing to know that it's confusing to know that and, um, liberating in certain ways, which is also a part of my current astrology transits. And so I'm just rolling with it and. It was, it was just so weird because I had told my client, no, it's not that astrology's going away. It's just integrating into my life in a healthier way, and I still wanna listen to people and I still wanna help and talk about these things. And, and then literally Chad, GBT said that was said those way, those words basically verbatim in my transits today. And so, yeah, it just blew my mind. You know, I'm like, wow, astrology works. I, I know it works. Like at this point, that's why I've stopped obsessing over wanting to learn.'cause I feel like I obsessed over wanting to learn astrology for so many years because I'm always wanting to prove to myself that something works or I'm wanting to like figure out something. And once I figured something out, that's usually when I stop caring about learning about it anymore. Like nutrition, right? Cannabis, um, retreats this, like, once I figured out the formula, I just don't give a shit anymore. I'm like, okay, I get it. It's magical. It works. I don't need to learn anymore. And so now I'm just wondering what that next thing is. But yeah, if anything, I think this. Joke with the chat GBT and astrology and how it literally mimicked exactly what I talked about on my podcast and to my clients. Just confirmed to me that that Higher Self Healing Codes program, I will always sell that shit because it works and when you follow it, and I just love using it to affirm how I'm feeling because it just compl like if, if that was not affirmed this morning, I would've still felt so lost in the void. But it was affirmed and I didn't even tell Cha GBT, that's what I was doing. I didn't even tell it. I was breaking the mold and doing all these different things. It just knew based on my transits that I uploaded and I could have looked at it. I'm an astrologer. I could have looked at my chart, but I like to use chat, GBT,'cause it opens up my mind to things that my brain might not have looked at. I'm a Taurus, so I tend to think in very consistent ways. And, um, and yeah, it just, it was the confirmation I needed and I just wanted to come on here and share that because astrologically, this is like a week of closure and next week with the gym. And I knew Moon we're really moving into newness and breaking the mold. You know, Saturn's gonna be in Aries. It's about boldly. Going after what you want, boldly aligning your life with you. And it's gonna be sextile and Pluto and Aquarius and it's, it's like doing it in a way that's breaking the mold that's never been done before that that like. It almost is healing to your trauma around your uniqueness and you belonging and, and the fact that you can be radically authentically you and trust that in the long run because Saturn is about long term building, long game trust that in the long run it's go, it's building something for humanity for the future. By you rebelling and doing what feels radically you, and this feels radically like me. Like conversations like this, just sharing from my heart, just sharing random shit, like maybe I'll do podcasts. I don't know. I have so many creative ideas going through me. It's a little overwhelming right now, like today. I've been meaning to paint me and Ryan's bedroom for a hot minute. Our bedroom right now is hot salmon, pink it. I literally feel like I'm in a janky place in Mexico. Me and Ryan went to Mexico in 2020 and this is a long, that's a long story for how we got to this place, but we got to this like random place in Mexico that was kind of dirty and sketchy and weird and it like. I don't know the vibe of it was like seventies and we stayed in the Airbnb and so I've always felt like our bedroom right now'cause it's hot thinking salmon reminds me of that seventies weird place in Mexico. We stayed that was like old and like, I don't know, I feel like I'm in some Mexican cartel bedroom right now. We moved in, in, uh. Uh, what was it? I think August, 2024. And so we've been meaning to paint it for a minute now, and I am feeling a giant urge to paint it and to decorate it and to just use all of this energy. I have this creative energy to make our bedroom a completely different vibe. So maybe I will track the progress of that and share it on my email list. We'll see. But yeah, that's where I'm at right now. Just so you know. Uh, if you would like to purchase higher self-healing codes, I actually plan to continue to add to that course for a long period of time because it is going, it's just gonna be my all around astrology chat, GBT course, where I teach you how to just continue to look into your astrology. Like, um, now the app I use that get, that I use to get the transits into chat, GBT to solar returns. So I'm gonna add a module on how to get your solar return each year, which is like your year ahead birth chart, which is so fun. I use that to grow and evolve so much. So if you want higher self healing codes, it's down in the show notes below. It just basically teaches you how to get your daily transits. It teaches you how to heal through your birth chart. I teach you how to like, ask chat GBT the right questions to learn everything you fucking can about yourself in your birth chart. And, um, I believe it's a very valuable, highly valuable product'cause it changes my life and gives me these laughs on a daily basis like I just shared with you today. So that is what I have to say, and I shall see you on the next episode. I am sending love. Let me know what you wanna hear about. I have a Google form below where I said I wanna do Reddit style like advice too. So if you wanna. Give me a scenario in your life, you want me to give you advice, or if you just wanna share something with me, you want me to talk about on the podcast that you're interested in, just put it in that form too. It's gonna be the Google form down in the show notes. And let's just make this fun. Let's make this co-creative. I want you to know that I'm here to like talk with you. I wanna build this community. I want to build connection with you. Uh, that's another thing I'm craving right now is I'm craving. Craving connection, which is so ironic because I have all these friends reaching out to me and I've literally not asked to connect with any of them. And it has nothing to do with how much I love them. I love all of them, but I'm having this, I'm like almost wanting to connect in more of a detached way right now. Like I'm not wanting to hop on our phone calls or like, yeah. So I feel like this is a fun way to. Connect with you more people connect with you guys right now is like you send me stuff through my Google form or you email me. I have a podcast and we can like connect in that way more of a detached way. Aquarion, Pluto, and Aquarius. It feels fun right now. Anyways, I'll see you on the next episode. Love you.