Why Connection Makes You More Successful

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This episode is about quality time and mindfulness, something we are lacking in our personal and professional life and it needs to change.

Researchers asked over 2,000 people what their biggest life regret was. 40% said the same thing. It wasn't about money. It wasn't about their career. It was about the people they love.

I break down what's actually happening in your brain and body when you spend real time with people you love. Why your nervous system literally comes out of threat mode when you're with someone safe. What Dr. Carl Pillamer found after interviewing 1,500 people over 65 at Cornell about what they'd do differently. And why the people who love you already know when you're there and when you're just in the room.

If you've been giving your sharpest energy to your work and whatever's left to the people who matter most, this one is going to hit.

About The Brilliance Method:
Hosted by Elysia Skye, intuitive guide, speaker, and creator of The Brilliance Method. Elysia has worked with Google, L'Oreal, YouTube, and Paramount Global, leading mindfulness and leadership workshops. This show is where you learn to trust yourself, stop holding back, and actually move on what you already know.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the Brilliance Method. I'm your host, Alicia Skye, intuitive business coach and mindfulness consultant. And if this is your first time here, welcome in, my friend. Before I get into today's episode, I have to tell you what just happened because it led directly to this conversation. An hour before I sat down to record this, I hosted a live mindfulness webinar for a corporate client with over 300 registrants. And it was one of those experiences that reminds you why you do this work. During the session, I asked them to pause for a moment. And you can do this with me right now. I asked them to stop, close your eyes, feel your feet, take one real breath. Not a multitasking breath, not a breath taken while composing a DM in the back of your mind. Like one conscious, deliberate, full breath. There's a little bit more to it, but after we opened our eyes, the chat started filling up, people sharing how they felt, lighter, calmer, like they'd put something down they'd been carrying all day. And that's the thing. We're so chronically overscheduled, so conditioned to equate busyness with worth that the simple act of pausing feels radical. And when any size group of people do it together, it doesn't have to be 300. I've done this with dozens or even a hundred or eight or even virtually, something shifts. It can even just be one person. And one thing that so commonly happens after I do this kind of work is I ask, like, if it takes a corporate webinar for these incredible people to be fully present for a few minutes at a time, first of all, I did my job. I taught them something amazing that they can take home and use forever. But before they had this tool, what was happening at home? What was happening during dinner with their partner or their kids or just being on the couch with someone they love or on the phone with their best friend? Like, are they actually there or are they physically present but mentally somewhere else entirely? I'm guilty of this. And that's the quiet epidemic that people aren't talking about enough. Not the absence from the people we love, but the presence that isn't really presence at all. Showing up, but not actually arriving. And the people who love us can feel that, right? They feel the half version of us. You can hear it when you're on the phone with someone. They might not say it, but they feel it. What would it look like if we brought even half the intentionality we bring to our professional lives into the relationships that actually sustain us? So that's what we're going to talk about today. I just got back from five days away with family and friends, right in the middle of one of the busiest seasons I've had in a long time, on top of having toe surgery. And I am one of the lucky ones who has a second toe, which is longer than my first toe, which apparently the Statue of Liberty does too. It's called a Greek toe or a Morton's toe. And rumor has it, Jesus had one too. But it started causing me pain over the last eight years. And I will spare you the gory details. But I needed to repair some of the nerves and the joints. And if you're old enough to know the Golden Girls, there's an episode where Dorothy has this surgery and she escapes from the hospital because she got too scared to do it. And it's really funny. But even though I just had the surgery less than a month ago, we spent five days in California with family celebrating my husband's grandma, who turned 92. And there was a moment, like several moments, actually, where I almost talked myself out of going. The pain in the ass and the foot that it is to keep my leg elevated on a flight, ask for a wheelchair at the airport, like all the things. Also, my calendar is really full. It's spring. There's things that I'm building, things I'm launching, co-creating. We have our moon calls. I have other clients I'm serving. And when you're in a season of momentum, stepping away can feel like dangerous to the brain. Like if you stop even for a few days, the whole thing might lose steam. But I went and I came home more resourced, more clear, except for my sinuses, and more myself than I've been in weeks. And not in spite of the timing, but because of it. I let myself laugh until I cried. I had conversations that had nothing to do with goals or money. I was just present, like fully present. And my nervous system remembered what that feels like the second I sat on the porch with those dogs in the sun, just being. When I sat back down at my desk today, I felt sharper than I had in a while, more creative, more energized. So those five days didn't cost me momentum. They actually gave it back to me. It's part of the reason why I travel so much, why I host retreats that feel like an escape, why I love going to concerts. The reason I'm telling you this is because I know what it feels like to be in that moment of almost talking yourself out of it. That the trip is worth it. The call you're going to make that might keep you on the phone for 45 minutes is worth it. Make the choice and then trust it. The dinner you got invited to that you don't feel like you have time to go to is worth it. We always get more when we show up than when we don't show up. So make the choice and then trust it. And I want to share some research with you because I think data is one of the fastest ways to cut through the noise, especially when you're a mindfulness consultant. We want to get to what's true. And I'm sometimes a skeptic on occasion when I forget that magic is real and it can actually feel this good. I am human after all, and I have my own upper limits. So a survey of over 2,000 people found that 40% of baby boomers said their biggest regret in life was not spending more time with family and friends. How about that? Not work regrets, not financial regrets, the people they love. Mmm, let that sit. Four in 10 people, when given the gift of hindsight, pointed to love, to time, to the conversations they didn't have and the moments they let pass because something else felt more urgent. So there's a guy named Dr. Carl Pilimer at Cornell University, and he spent years interviewing 1,500 people over the age of 65 about their lives and what they would do differently. And you know, I'm obsessed with this shit, like blue zones and all that stuff. And what kept coming up was the time spent in worry, in like petty bullshit and conflict, in resentment, time that could have been presence and laughter and just sitting together in comfortable silence. The people who are closer to the end of life aren't wishing that they had worked more and made more money. They're not wishing they had optimized their morning routine more aggressively. They're not wishing they're crushing their goals. They're wishing they had put their phone down or made the trip or said yes when they said no. They are wishing they had been actually there when they were technically present. And I don't bring this up to be morbid, although I've been accused of it in the past. I told one of my friends that she needs to turn her book into an online course that's as good as her live workshops because one day she'll be dead and we won't get to hear her voice or see her face teach it the way she teaches it live. She was like, damn, Alicia, that's morbid. Way to way to guilt me with my own death. Well, now we're doing the course. But I bring all of this up because we already know that somewhere deep in ourselves, we know what actually matters. But we live in a culture that constantly pulls our attention toward urgency and production. So sometimes you need someone to look you in the eye and remind you what you're actually here for. You are here for more than your output, babe. You're here for the people who you love and who love you. So let's talk about what's actually biologically happening when you spend real time with the people you love, because the science here is genuinely fascinating. So research shows that being in the company of people you genuinely love creates measurable biological changes in your brain. Cortisol, your primary stress hormone, drops. This is not a figure of speech, like measurably, clinically drops. Your amygdala, the part of your brain responsible for detecting threats, becomes less reactive when your nervous system is co-regulating with someone you feel safe with. You literally come out of threat response mode. That alarm bell quiets. And when that alarm bell quiets, you can access parts of yourself that stress keeps locked away, like creativity and curiosity and joy. Your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that governs emotional regulation and complex decision making, actually functions better when you're in a relaxed, connected state. So the idea that grinding nonstop makes you sharper is scientifically not accurate. Connection restores the very cognitive functions that make you better at your work. Connection, connecting, being together. And there's oxytocin, right? Especially for my ladies, that is released during genuine human connection, laughter, deep conversation. It reduces anxiety, it increases trust. And it is quite literally your body's natural medicine for stress. Your body has a built-in mechanism for restoring itself, and it's activated by the very thing we keep deprioritizing, which is time with the people we love, which is not a luxury. It's maintenance, it's medicine. There are people in your life, and if you tune in right now, you can probably feel who they are, who don't require anything from you. They just love you and you love them. And you don't have to curate a version of yourself that you show them. They just know you, they see you. That experience of being truly seen is energetically restorative in a way that almost nothing else is. So much of our daily life requires us to manage how we're perceived. Like even unconsciously, we're expending energy every day on self-presentation, like reading rooms and adjusting tones, um, navigating dynamics, managing expectations. And then you sit down with your best friend or your sister or your person, and you just exhale. That exhale isn't just relief, it's the releasing of a kind of effort you didn't know you were carrying until you put it down. The people who love you are like tuning forks. And when you spend time with them, you come back into resonance with yourself, with who you actually are beneath all the roles and the responsibilities and the pressures of everyday life. The life that you're building, well, it's for them too. So let them be part of building it. I want to name a pattern that I see consistently, both in my own life and in the lives of my clients. The people we love most deeply often get our worst hours. We give our sharpest focus to our inbox, to meetings, our clearest thinking, to our work, our most energized selves, to professional responsibilities. And then we come home or we get on that call or we sit across from the person we love and we just offer them what's left. And that's not fair. Most of us, if asked to write a list of what matters most, would put the people we love at the top, right? And yet the time and energy we actually give them doesn't really reflect that. So there's a gap between what we say we value and how we spend our time, right? That whole action speaks louder than words, things. It's legit. And that gap over time creates a quiet ache that is hard to name, but it's impossible to ignore. And it sometimes feels and looks like loneliness, and we don't know how we got here. So I'm inviting you to look at the gap and don't beat yourself up about it. Just see it. Because once you see it, you can start to close it. And closing it doesn't require a dramatic life overhaul. It requires a decision, a real one made with intention and followed through with consistency. And when I'm talking about mindfulness, I'm talking about one of the most sacred levels of intimacy you can have with yourself and other people. At its core, mindfulness is the practice of being here, like right here in this conversation with this person. Not in the email you need to send or the problem you haven't solved yet, like right here. The people who struggle the most to be present in their personal relationships are almost always the people who are most identified with being productive, who have the hardest time being in a moment that isn't generating something. Just being without producing feels uncomfortable to so many of us, maybe even a little wrong. I've talked about on the show that when I go on vacation, it usually takes me a day or two to settle in and remember that I'm safe to just be and not create. And in the beginning of the year, we talked a lot about how it's uh it's still winter, right? And now we're in spring at the time that I'm recording this. Like now we're at a time where we're starting to create, but we're not meant to be productive all year long, and it's not segmented for humans quarterly. Sometimes it goes three days creating, two days resting, a few days letting go. There's create, maintain, and destroy. Which cycle are you in? You're always in one of them. And relationships are not supposed to be productive. Yes, they're supposed to be alive and we get better at them. That's the productive part. They're supposed to be messy and funny and sometimes boring and sometimes profound. Like every day I look at my husband and I'm like, oh my God, I'm so in love with you, and it's ridiculous. And sometimes I want to murder you. And here we are. And relationships require a version of you that isn't trying to optimize them. So real presence looks like putting your phone face down, stop scrolling, actually leaving it there, making eye contact and letting that hold and asking a question you actually want the answer to. Just to know them, to know your person more, or your friend more, or yourself more as you journal. And listen and tune in without formulating a response while they're still talking. Letting a conversation kind of meander when it needs to. That's that's brilliance, that's light. Presence is a gift. It might actually be the most valuable thing you can offer another person. Not your money, not your advice, not your expertise. Can you guess what my love language is? It's quality time. Your attention, like your full undivided, I'm not going anywhere. Attention. Like, yes, I have all the time in the world for you right now. When's the last time you gave that to someone? When's the last time someone gave that to you? Think about how that felt. My friend Ingrid is so good at this. We call each other and we create time. And whatever is going on, we just say, Yeah, I have all the time in the world. Tell me everything. Like, that's love. Think about how that feels and imagine what it would mean to someone you love if you gave them more of that. And it doesn't have to be all the time in the world. It could just be a few extra seconds of truly dropping in and listening and being present and giving them your heart and your eyes. Real connection, the kind that nourishes you, doesn't happen on a forced timeline. It happens like in the margins, right? In those unscheduled moments when you're just together, when a phone call goes longer than you planned because you both had more to say. Or like a Sunday, a morning when no one has anywhere to be, or in the middle of a five-day trip you almost talked yourself out of. So allowing more means creating the conditions for connection and then getting out of your own way. Trusting that the time with the people you love is not wasted time. Releasing that background anxiety, those stories that are running that say you should be doing something more important. Because there is nothing more important than being in this moment. So, what would it feel like to stop managing the distance, to just let yourself be loved? Maybe you want to pause and write that one down. So here's what I actually want you to do with this. First, identify your two or three people. The ones who, when you think about them right now, there's that little tug in your chest, the ones you've been meaning to call or see or haven't quite gotten there. And get specific. Okay, vague intentions don't become real plans. Second, do this one thing in the next 48 hours. Like I'd love it if you did it right when you're done listening to this. So don't wait till things slow down in life. Just text them. Schedule the call, book the flight, make the reservation. Something that takes the intention out of the future and puts it in the present. Third, find where connection can live consistently on your calendar, not as a one-time gesture, but as a regular recurring part of your life. I have friends on my calendar where we have phone dates every month on the same day of the month. Like the 26th of every month, I call my friend Ryan. And we made the 26th the date because that's the day of his birthday. And some of us we talk on the 21st. That's my birthday. Some people we talk on the 11th. That's their birthday. Like we find reasons, like which day of the month makes the most sense for just a quick check-in. And if you don't have time for a phone call, just send a voice note and a quarterly trip with your partner or with a close friend. Oh my gosh, that is so soul-nourishing. And it doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. Just put it on the calendar with the same seriousness that you would book a session or a meeting because it's that serious. In fact, it's more serious. This is your life. This is what you're going to look back on. And fourth, be honest with yourself about where your presence actually goes. When you're with the people you love, are you actually there? Just notice. Notice when you're not being present and do it without judgment, just like meditation, because what we bring into awareness, we can then begin to shift. And fifth, the most important one, let yourself receive. Let yourself be loved. You don't have to be the coach in every conversation. You don't have to have the insight or the answer. Sometimes you just get to be the person who is loved by the people they love. And most of the time, the person on the other end doesn't want a bunch of advice. They just want to be heard. And it's allowed. It's more than allowed. It's necessary. And one last thing to think about before we close. If the people who love you the most could tell you one thing right now, what do you think it would be? They don't have to still be alive. What do you think it would be? Just tune in and listen. Receive this guidance and advice and clarity from your heart. And as this answer comes, we all know that it's not that you need to work harder or produce more. Now, I I know a lot of people who should work harder.

unknown 20:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

But that's not the point. The point is to be more present. The point is not to substitute work or thinking about work over being with people you love. It's a lot simpler and a lot more profound than just that. But they want you. They want to be with the real you, the present you, the version that stops and breathes and looks them in the eye and says, I'm here, like nowhere else. I'm just here. You are so loved. They want you to be there with them. And if you think you're not lovable or good enough or that they don't actually want your presence, that's something to work through. And the work is always going to be there. But go for it because the people and the moments, those are those are time sensitive. So make the time. Not someday. I don't like someday goals. The present moment is the only place connection actually lives. Another loving thing you can do is share this episode with someone you care about. And say I've been thinking about presents and how it's such a wonderful thing when we actually drop in together. And I want you to hear this. I want you to know this. Let this be a gift to you. Or maybe you want to share it with someone who you wish they would be more present and you don't know how to talk to them about it yet. You can share this episode. Pass it on to them. Share this episode with someone who needs to hear it because sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is pass them a mirror. And I love you so much for being here. And if you haven't already, subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if you're feeling generous, please leave a review. It just takes a minute and it means the world. And if you want to go deeper on this work or bring me into your company to teach mindfulness or work with me one-on-one or join my collective, everything is in the show notes for you to book a time with me to connect and work through what would be the most meaningful way to expand, whether it's your business, your team, or your own mindfulness journey. So until next time, keep loving your people and remember you already know what to do. Now trust it and move. I'll talk to you soon. Be sure to connect with me at patreon.com forward slash the brilliance method. The only way I'll know if you're loving the show is if you leave a comment, five stars, and subscribe.