09 - Labels, Masking and Mental Health - A Whole-Brain Approach to Parenting

In this deeply compassionate episode, we’re joined by the incredible Ruth Tarr - a therapist whose experience spans biology, teaching, energy medicine, psychotherapy, functional medicine and more. Ruth brings a rare blend of clinical knowledge and lived experience to her work with children, parents and carers.

Together, we explore:

• Why so many parents feel unheard and isolated
• The pressure to follow “expert” advice and the cost of disconnecting from instinct
• What happens when a child doesn’t fit into the box - and why that box often needs rethinking
• The impact of masking, labels and diagnosis in a system hungry for definitions
• How to navigate SEN challenges and emotional burnout
• Simple, powerful practices for reconnecting to joy and resilience
• The vital role of connection, curiosity and hope in the therapeutic process

This episode is a lifeline for parents, carers and professionals supporting young people who are struggling - and for anyone ready to trust their inner wisdom again.

✨ Resources mentioned:

• Books: The Better Brain, Parenting from the Heart by Jack Pransky
• Support: Not Fine In School, The Carers Trust
• Ruth’s email: holistichealthyork@hotmail.com

Find out more information at our website

Edited with finesse by Mike at Making Digital Real

Transcript

I find that a lot of parents feel like they've not been heard and so often you know the first 20 minutes or even an hour of a session can just be almost like getting everything off their chest. A bit like they would do if they were sat around with a bunch of friends. But the difference then with therapy or coaching is that there's going to be something positive coming out at the end of it. 

Yes you're going to feel good because you've offloaded but that's a short-term thing. We're looking for the long-term changes. Welcome to the Brain Collective's podcast.

I'm Maria and I'm Melanie. We're the founders of the Brain Collective in Harrogate. We've dedicated over 15 years to helping people re-regulate their own brains through neurofeedback driven by our passion to help our families when traditional medical approaches fell short.

We've trained with world-renowned experts and remain committed to staying at the forefront of this field. Welcome to the ninth podcast in our series by the Brain Collective. So many of you will be aware it was Global Day of Parents and just yesterday it was Supporting Parents and Carers Day. 

If anybody knows anything about our practice you know both topics are really close to our heart. So we thought we'd today bring you an amazing guest who has an incredible experience in this area supporting both parents and children. So we're really honoured to be joined by Ruth Tarr today. 

Ruth studied biology at a PhD level, trained as a secondary school teacher and then trained in the world of energy medicine. So after Ruth started her own family she retrained as a hypnotherapist, a psychotherapist and has since added so many things to her kit bag like DBT, EMDR, flash technique and done endless hours of coaching. She works with children from the age of eight and helps support parents and carers. 

She also works with adults. So at the heart of Ruth's practice is the belief we need to support mind, body and spirit which she has her lived experience of herself. So this is why Ruth became interested in the world of functional medicine and works with a wonderful clinic and a wonderful individual called Dr Indra who runs a functional medicine clinic based in Leeds. 

Ruth welcome we are absolutely thrilled you joined us today. Thank you very much. You're possibly one of the most qualified and effective therapists we have the pleasure of knowing in our little universe. 

Well that's a big accolade thank you very much. But you're inspiring and you're a lifeline to many children and adults so just thrilled you're here today. Thank you. 

Ruth what do you think the biggest challenges, what do you think the biggest challenges we face as parents today? I think one of the biggest ones and I'm hearing it time and time again from the parents that I meet through the work that I do with the young people or just even parents I know is not trusting your own instincts. It's almost like it's been taken away from us. We're always looking for an expert opinion on how to parent our own children. 

We're being guided or sometimes dare I say forced to do parenting a certain way that schools are sort of dictating and we're being told not to trust our instincts when we feel something isn't right with our kids. A lot of the parents I've worked with just don't seem to have that confidence that they might have had when their kids were younger. So when times get more difficult, if their kids run into trouble at school, if there's illnesses and lots of professionals involved, if there's mental health issues, that sort of innate wisdom about your own child it's almost like you just don't trust it anymore.

Really detrimental to that parent-child connection. Where do you think that comes from Ruth? I think as a society we're always looking for the answers to fix things. Not recognising that lots of things don't need fixing but also the fact that there are so many people out there banging a drum saying they're an expert about. 

Now that's one of the things I always say to the people that come to me. I am not the expert in your life. Yes I might have some tools and techniques and tips that can help but ultimately it's your journey and the wisdom, the knowledge, the things that resonate with you are going to come from within you. 

And I find that with clients that they often come back and say, oh Ruth you told me da-da-da-da-da-da and I'm like hmm don't remember saying that, I don't think I did because they're hearing what I'm saying in a way that makes sense for them. How do you believe parents changed over time Ruth? Because I know for me I try not to just replicate how I was parented. My dad was an orphan, my mum had some serious mental health problems. 

It's very easy to fall into that sink. Yeah and I think you know I've had some conversations with my mum recently and just talking about the differences when I would have been parented or when she was parented that it was like children would be seen and not heard. Children didn't have their own emotions or their own thoughts. 

Why has that changed now? Are we giving too much weight into letting the young people express how they feel? And it's a really interesting take that it was more about compliance and I think we're seeing that mirrored in the sort of knee-jerk reaction in schools as well that they're still very Victorian and about compliance and about control and I think if you've had an extreme parent experience where like you said Maria there were different things going on in your household then you know those experiences might have been quite negative. I was lucky enough in that the parenting that my parents did wasn't negative. You know they may not have always listened to us so still the children were seen not heard but they were very good at explaining why they did certain things and they were very good at letting us find our own way as well and not pressurizing us.

But unfortunately not everyone has that experience and you've sort of alluded to that yourself. And one of the things I think we find a lot in here parents would literally sell the shirt off their back to help their own children Ruth but we see we see parents who are completely exhausted, they are they have no support, they you know regardless of if they're wealthy or not they their tanks are completely empty and the last thing they think about is how they're going to survive themselves especially with some of the bigger parenting challenges with children who don't really fit in that Victorian box that you've just described. Yeah yeah and I think that's the thing isn't it part of I think some of the narratives that we grow up with and whether this is a generational thing is the idea that as a parent you're supposed to do things for your kid and you're supposed to look after them and there's that idea and I've been exploring this recently for myself almost like self-sacrifice that you put your child's needs ahead of your own because otherwise you're being selfish but forgetting the flip side of that that if you don't look after yourself the very person that you love most in the world and you're looking after you're not going to be able to look after them for any length of time if you neglect yourself and I think that's a real struggle for a lot of parents.

Most parents are both now working parents and there is very little capacity with regards to time and sort of emotional energy it's a complex area isn't it in terms of setting boundaries and providing emotional support it's uh and yet no training for this. Well and even if we did get training you know what what training would help us you know the majority of us are certainly for me when when I was pregnant was the you know the sort of I can't even remember what the name of it is but that pre-baby stage where they teach you to change nappies and they tell you you're supposed to bath your baby all the time and and you know pretty soon into having my first child I realized that some of the things they had told me did not work my baby did not want to be bathed every night it was distressing for her it took me a while to figure that out and then I was lucky enough that I had the innate wisdom and that confidence to go this isn't working for us let's put that down but not everyone has that confidence and they think that the experts you have to you have to follow it completely or you're doing it wrong and parenting isn't something necessarily that you can do it wrong and in the extreme but the majority of times we're just sort of trying to find that balance and it doesn't stay balanced for very long because we change our kids change we're faced with different challenges and it's about learning to go with the flow with a bit more ease but it's not easy it's um and they don't follow the books do they no there's no book written about your child don't book written about the next child either and you find that don't you if you have more than one child you think you've got that to figure it out don't you and the next one comes along and you've forgotten some of the things anywhere they're not working with that child and then you're like I really don't know what to do yeah my complex area Ruth I know I know that you've deal a lot with children who don't fit into the the box the Victorian box the you know the whatever regular means in your experience and I know you're extremely experienced at this what what is useful for the parents or for the children well actually for both because I know that often a child can't access I think as a parent and having lived experience of this as well it's sort of noticing where your center is when your child doesn't fit into that box there's all that worry all that fear you know you've sort of created this story in your head of what your child's life is going to be like before they've got there and all of a sudden that story no longer makes sense and you panic and you can get very very overwhelmed but you're focusing on your child and you're trying to fix and fix and fix and I think sometimes when we go down the route of fixing we lose that core thing that our kids need in those moments which is that true connection with you because they're struggling and they're recognizing perhaps that they're not fitting in into that box that you described and so one one of the best things that we can do and we often do it with our babies we sit in the moment with them and we watch them with joy and awe and wonder and you know we play those silly games with them but when our kids get to a certain age where they're that bit more independent we don't do that same thing with them so the connection that we have to have with them needs to be different and I think sometimes when our kids are struggling with the best will in the world we can end up being pulled into that struggle they're dysregulated we can feel dysregulated they're triggered we can feel triggered and so suddenly that connection that's so desperately needed between a parent and a child it's harder to create in those moments the importance of the sense of safety for everybody concerned and security is key isn't it it is and it's not something we talk about as parents not feeling safe whether it's not feeling safe with the the possibility of the life that your kid is going to have or is currently experiencing or whether it's even to to for some parents not feeling safe with their own child you know with the extreme behavior that some kids can can experience because of various medical or physical issues or mental health issues and there's you know a huge stigma around not being able to parent your child and so what happens is as parents we tend to whether we mean to or not withdraw perhaps the people who we were friends with we no longer feel a connection with because they just don't get what we're experiencing or family members don't get what we're going through because you know it's it's sort of like what what parents find in schools and family members say but they're fine with me not understanding that they're fine with you because on some level they're masking and they're cashing or hiding and that you are their safe person in their safe space so they're going to let everything go in that moment yeah ruth the word masking is quite quite a new word isn't it in in in our world really but not every listener will understand what masking is okay so masking normally when i've heard it being used more recently and you're right it wasn't a term i knew up until a few years ago it's normally associated with autism and the idea that you are changing your behavior not necessarily consciously to fit in in some way so that you feel either that you're flying under the radar you're going to be less noticed in some way or you're fitting in in some way uh with peers or in a work situation and it's all about that sense of safety almost like you know you're not the same as everyone else and so you're trying desperately to fit in and it's that box scenario again isn't it trying to fit into a box and and it's not it's not your box i know in our practice in particular we as you know we we're not desperately keen on working on the diagnosis um we work with people in terms of trying to tackle some of the challenges they have in life but we're desperately not keen to stuff them into box trays but increasingly we feel that the world is trying to put people into boxes and it it's creating a few issues from our point of view because they sort of become the box i don't know what your experience is of helping families and parents and children navigate that i think you know you're absolutely right i think there are more and more boxes that are appearing and we've seen it with mental health and different diagnoses you know over the years the the number of mental health issues has just exploded and i think as human beings when we feel insecure we try and figure things out and i think sometimes if we can put a word on it or a label on it and it could help us explain it to someone else there is a comfort in that but equally it can be very detrimental because like you said maria is it can become that person that person no longer realizes that they're you know they are not the label the label it feels like it's a part of them and they can't let it go and then it shapes their lives um but i always i always think of it like your child is still your child and they were your child and they're just like that just before the label got stuck onto them and the label it's a bit like a post-it note or a sticker you can peel it off at any time you know it doesn't mean it's permanent and not all of these labels are permanent but when we become attached to them and attached to the idea that it is part of who you are it's harder to shake off so something simple as and this is not everyone likes this but i used to say you know try and detach from anxiety recognize that it's an emotion and emotions are supposed to change all the time anxiety it gets a bit of a bad press now it's one of the bad emotions but it is still just an emotion that a human being feels but then it changes to i am anxious and suddenly it's become that inner part of you that inner landscape and you're not recognizing all the times when you're not anxious and i think unfortunately that's what happens and i also think part of it is sometimes we feel like we need the labels to get the help for our kids because no one will listen to us until there is a label attached a diagnosis attached and that is very detrimental in and of itself there are lots of parents sort of going to schools going to gps looking for help and saying this is what our kid is experiencing this is what the symptoms are and being turned away at times because there is no label attached to it no one has diagnosed them and it's really funny because some of the diagnoses that people are carrying around are diagnosis by ruling out things so ibs is not a diagnosis as such because it's just you've ruled out other things and you can't can't figure out what it is so we'll slap a label on it so how helpful is it and ruth what's what's your advice to people because i mean you know the system very well in terms of sen and the law and things like that so people who are struggling and their kids are struggling at school or they're struggling with their mental health i mean there is hope out there there are people that will listen absolutely and it's about finding the right person you know we know cams is overloaded if it was mental health we know the gps don't always have appointments but perhaps it's about getting curious and sort of seeing where else can i find that help is it friends is it family is it a trusted teacher is it a boss is it a charity out there and there are so many good charities out there that can help but it's just finding someone that you can trust either as a parent or finding someone that your child can trust enough to work with and i think that's incredibly important the children don't always or the young people don't always get a choice with who they're being told to work with and i think that's incredibly detrimental in and of itself because we've stripped away another layer of autonomy so that controls so a lot of these young people don't feel in control anyway in aspects of their life and then they're being told either by their parents or by the teachers or by the doctors that you have to go and speak to this person you've never met them but you need to lay it all out there and i don't know if anyone's ever thinking of how much damage has been caused by laying so much you know asking these kids to share everything and that includes when even autism adhd assessments have to be shared with schools schools ask for the complete report actually that's quite an invasion of privacy because there are huge amounts of personal information about that young person and their family is that right does anyone ever ask the kid if that's okay do we need to redact it you know giving someone that choice and finding that right person someone that you think okay i'm not quite sure yet but you know i'm going to give it a go if they have a knee-jerk reaction say for example a parent is looking for a therapist i always say to them look your kid might not like me they might come on and go oh she's got a really weird voice her face is annoying i don't like her i said that's okay because it's about your kid finding someone that they're okay with and it's really important isn't it because you know this from the people that you're working with if that person is stepping into your space and they're able to relax into it even just a little bit that's a start and that's where the hope is isn't it that they're going to relax into it and maybe you can have a bit of a laugh with them but you're there to support them and connect with them yeah it's one of the things we spend quite a lot of time working out who's the best person in our clinic to work with any individual whether it's an adult or a child it's that that relationship is key isn't it it really really is and i love that because you're showing that you're treating everyone that's coming through your doors as an individual with their own needs their own personalities and you are going out of your way to find the right fit for them looking at parenting ruth and parents we're i think we're all parents in this room at the moment um what do we need to be doing as parents to survive this journey and to enjoy it not just survive it actually enjoy our own children yeah and i think that's what a lot of parents say they've sort of they've lost that element of it because they're so busy in protective mode survival mode doing fixing mode one of the best things that keeps me going certainly and i share it with others is look for the light whatever that light happens to be with your child in your life and it's not it's not the big giant moments and candy but what i've discovered is it's actually the little moments it's it's the glimmers oh yeah the glimmers they're so beautiful aren't they when that that glow whatever it is so whether it's you know hearing your child really giggling and laughing their heart out over something you've no clue what it is but you can hear they're like in that moment genuinely happy it doesn't mean that the next moment they're not going to cry or need you or something like that but just capture those moments being aware of them because that is life isn't it life is the hardships but we get so focused on the hardships we lose our way and we lose the hope if that's the only direction we're looking in so looking for those light moments with your kids but with yourself you know remembering what brings you joy and i know it particularly hard parts or dark parts of my life it's like the joy has been sucked out i remember someone asking me you know what what makes you happy what makes you joyful and i just sort of sat there well couldn't answer them it was like tumbleweed in my head and i knew that that wasn't you know where i wanted to be and i had to start finding those things and i didn't have the time to go off and you know have a wonderful holiday by myself or you know book myself into a hotel and disappear for a few days because i was still parenting so it's trying to find the little things for yourself because you're already doing that for your kids all the time so what feeds you what nourishes your soul and spirit what brings you that joy what lights you up as well and it's not always tangled up with the kids because you're a person in your own life and you're a couple as well you know hopefully you've got a partner to share it with and you need to work together to support each other through that process as well don't you yeah and that can be incredibly difficult i mean i know over the years me and my husband have learned to tag team we don't always get it right but we've sort of learned when one of us was spinning out of control and it was like right you leave the room right now and you need to just get out of the room go and do whatever you need to do to calm down to balance yourself and then often what happens is the next one will escalate and then you know he'll have to step back and yank me out and we do that as often as we need to now we're incredibly lucky it's taken us a long time to get there and it's not been easy and we still get it wrong we still blow up and we still neglect each other at times but that's part of the the looking for that balance that looking for that light again isn't it because you end up in the motions your relationship becomes another thing to do and it's hard it's hard when i think as well if particularly if one of the parents is the primary caregiver and we know that's the way it normally is and so the primary caregiver's focus is normally on the kids and so the partner sort of falls down the pecking order down the hierarchy or the priority ladder and and sometimes let's be honest by the end of the day you're too knackered to even have a conversation you just want to crawl into bed but you have to look at the big picture don't you you have to remember that it's all of you in that relationship as well Ruth we do see people who've who who where things have gone wrong and their relationships are broken down they've ended up with financial struggles they've ended up with real parenting challenges having to parent across two houses for you seeing the warning signs what do they look like so you know for people listening we talk about that journey you talk about you know not not nourishing your relationship what's the point at which we need to be really careful and watch out for that I think we always need to be aware of it it's very easy to rest on your laurels and just sort of slide along just sort of like bobbing along if you like but I do think I think every relationship is different and so it could be different warning signs for different people but certainly if you're not communicating in the same way either that you always seem to be arguing about things and or one of you is always arguing about something and sort of trying to understand what's at the root of that you know what what where is the insecurity or the fear that's driving that's driving all of that and if you're able to having those open and honest conversations but not everyone's able to so it might be that you know you need outside help it's recognizing that both of you in a relationship are also two separate people and that you need time to yourselves as well to find that balance but then you know if you're both then agreeing you're coming back together as well and you're going to talk about things and and move on but I certainly think that for a lot of people you know it seems like the frustration the anger the resentment builds up and some people don't feel able to talk about what's going on and I think if you can't talk about it you know that in itself is a bit of an alarm bell and talk about it without judging each other just and yeah that's hard isn't it you sort of have to it's it's just learning to to the other person without trying to get your point across it's not a skill we're taught and you have to bite your tongue sometimes but you know I've learned over the years there are certain times not to do it because we're going to go round and round and round in circles and there are other times when I know I'm stepping into that space in a more grounded way in a in a receptive way to hear what needs to be said but that's taking time as well that's taking a bit of work on myself and that's the thing I think sometimes in relationships it's we tend to project out to the other person as if to say it's all your fault but we need to do the work on ourselves as well we need to be aware of what's you know what's unbalancing or unsettling us Ruth in your experience in practice then what what do you find I know you've got so many tools in your kit bag but what do you find are the most successful techniques when you're dealing with parents because I know you do a lot of work with parents don't you yeah I think giving them the space to just offload can be incredibly powerful I find that a lot of parents feel like they've not been heard and so often you know the first 20 minutes or even an hour of a session can just be almost like getting everything off their chest a bit like they would do if they were sat around with a bunch of friends but the difference then with therapy or coaching is that there's going to be something positive coming out at the end of it yes you're going to feel good because you've offloaded but that's a very short-term thing we're looking for the long-term changes and just hearing them just allowing them the space to say whatever they need to say but then pointing out the wisdom that comes out of their mouths so they may think they have no answers but the answers are in there they're just not hearing them in the moment and so mirroring them back to them is incredibly empowering for them sounds very similar to neurofeedback yeah absolutely is and I think and again that goes right back to what I said near the beginning that parents have been sort of conditioned not to trust themselves I think as human beings as well we don't trust ourselves enough we don't listen to that wisdom enough yeah but it's there always it's just and it's going to keep coming up and coming up and coming up until you until you actually notice it where where can parents go for support Ruth is is there a good place is there a good you know uh charity website is there anything out there where people can can just get a little bit more information and a little bit more comfort I think the first place to start is going to be like a search engine like Google because that's normally what I do and I sort of sit and I think what is it that I want help with so if if it's you know you've got a child with special educational needs and you want to just be in a supportive community you know even reaching out to your local LA your local authority and asking them um you know what groups are around even something on Facebook you know putting in a you know autistic group parents group or something can sometimes bring up some really really good results what I would say with any of those things is go into a group but just get a sense of it if it's all negativity and there's nothing positive or supportive about it come back out and it's the same with groups when you meet up face to face as well if it's just a group where you're meeting up and you're all complaining or you're trying to one-up each other by saying my life is worse than yours like what are you getting out of it whereas you want that you know where the healing comes in is that deeper connection and that's what we were talking about with the kids as well so I always think like think what is it that you want the help with is it that you want therapy okay look for a therapist is it that you want to talk to other parents who are in a similar situation to you so there's a really good Facebook group out there called not fine in school so for any parent with kids that aren't fit in that box I find that particular group has been an absolute godsend so that sorry that Ruth I didn't quite get that's called not fine with not fine in school not fine in school okay yeah they're a really good group purely because it's such it's such positive energy so it's supporting it's uplifting it's guiding and so I think those kinds of groups are really really good any particular bits of reading Ruth that you'd point people to to try I think um I like the better brain so that's a really good book about brain health and the reason I suggest that one is because a lot of people are not thinking of mental health in terms of brain health which you well know you have to think of it in that way and that's just a really interesting one with lots of facts but it's easy to read and you can start to think okay what can I do to support my brain health because if you can support your brain health your mental health is going to improve and if your mental health is going to improve chances are you're going to figure your way through life a bit better hi it's Olivia here from the Brain Collective in Harrogate we just wanted to take a quick moment to say thank you for listening and to let you know a little bit about what we do at the Brain Collective we work with children adults and families who are navigating everything from burnout and sleep challenges to brain injuries and sensory overload we work with the brain gently helping it settle regulate and find its own rhythm again we also work closely with case management teams across the UK to support clients as part of a wider rehabilitation journey if you're a parent carer or professional looking for something different something calming respectful and brain-based we'd love to hear from you you can find us at thebraincollective.co.uk or just drop us a message on LinkedIn let's get back to the episode another one that I would definitely recommend is one called Parenting from the Heart Jack Pransky that just when I read that one that blew my mind open I was just like this is like no parenting book I've ever read there's no rules there's no expert it's just it makes sense it's common sense that we've all forgotten and it's just a really really nice book because it's like you can't get this wrong listen to your wisdom listen to your kids wisdom and go from there that's a really really lovely one. I remember being out in Canada many many years ago about 16 years ago with my own son and it you know with one of the leading lights of our industry a guy called Prof Swingle and he said to my son my son was about 14 at the time he said to him does the Ritalin help you because Chris had been diagnosed at the age of four with ADHD and medicated it for which was very young and we asked all the questions we thought it was the right thing to do we thought we needed to conform he was at a private prep school he wasn't behaving in the way that they thought he should behave yeah and anyway best will in the world and we thought the best parenting in the world we've given this drug and this drug made him tick oh not sleep lost uh he was down to his you know um tenth centile in body weight pretty desperate situation and became so sad so by the age of 14 sitting in front of Paul Swingle in Vancouver Paul Swingle turns around to him and says so Chris do the drugs help you and he said the drugs help them and we said what do you mean Chris and he points at his parents but me and said the drugs help them yeah but they don't help me yeah and it was a huge lesson in listening yeah and what transpired was looking at his his brain actually looking at the better brain he probably been medicated for years without any result in fact bad result so part of our our long journey in this clinic you know so I think I learned the hard way and you know so listening to your child and trying to celebrate what they are and you know the little shiny bits is so important it is and I think as a parent as well it's not then carrying around the shame or the guilt that you got it wrong because you knew what you knew when you made that decision and then you changed it when you knew what you knew later on absolutely yeah absolutely and we learn don't we um I mean one of the things about yesterday you know National Parent and Carers Day you know it's very similar as well if you look at the stresses that are put on so I was having a look at the stats earlier on and and they come out by depot quite often so they reckoned way back in 2021 there's 5.8 million unpaid carers in the UK but they reckon that's a way underestimate but children and which blows you blows my mind as well is they estimate that as many as one in five children are carers and these are school children and can I ask when they're doing that stats do you know where they say in their carers of adults like parents or are they also including that their carers for siblings uh both both okay I'd say that's way under as well isn't that yeah so you know and it sort of blows my mind because I grew up as a carer of a mum who had schizophrenia and there was absolutely no support when I was a kid you know you just have to get on with it but I think it's really important that we celebrate these people and that we give them the support and that it's okay to talk about it as well because there's a lot of support out there now there's a an amazing website the carers trust yes and they offer everything from um financial support care you know support in terms of benefits and all those sorts of things but they do lots of regional groups for young people and you know you I think one of the words you use Ruth is find your tribe yeah and it's so important in that environment to find your tribe so if you're a parent if you're a carer find your tribe it is so true and actually thinking about those statistics it wasn't until actually you asked me about coming on the podcast and I just thought you know I'm going to google what a carer is I think I know what it is but and I looked at it and um and I was like oh I'm a carer hadn't even dawned on me that I was a parent carer hadn't dawned on my husband and so there are so many people out there that don't realize and I know we've talked about labels and you could argue that that's a label but I think it's a recognition of what you are doing for someone else that goes above and beyond what you perhaps would have expected when you were going into parenting and I think it's even just that acknowledgement because then you can go okay yeah maybe it makes sense why I'm more stressed maybe it makes sense why I'm picking up all these illnesses that level of awareness hopefully shifts in you so that you can then go okay I do need some help. 

So Ruth I know that you're sort of head therapist with Dr Indra who's a completely inspired individual you know GP by background functional medicine trained and you're very very up with the fact that you know we are connected our bodies our brains how we behave how we run is very connected what are your biggest learnings what is your what's the biggest thing that you've picked up since you've been working within the practice that is important for people to know about? I think we need to understand how interconnected our systems are internally like I said you know even like the idea that mental health is impacted by brain health not everyone knows that but for me it was it's sort of like that whole journey it can be you're putting as much good food into your body as possible but if your stress levels are high you're not digesting your food properly your gut microbiome is out of balance so the bacteria the good bad bacteria is out of balance that if you've not digested your food properly larger molecules are traveling into your blood and causing an immune reaction so lots of inflammation that then can travel to the brain and impact your mental health which then sets the other systems sort of going on fire even more so we can't we can't look at our individual parts our systems as separate things we can't put them into boxes and think they're separate and and we need to understand that and I think that's why unfortunately at times I've been frustrated with you know the sort of normal medical route and even mental health because very early on I was like there's more to this mental health business than me just sitting here talking to you and having a nice chat so now it's opened up that avenue for me where even my private clients I will talk to them about nutrition I will talk to them about their and breathing and their vagus nerve and and I think opening up that conversation and just planting that little seed that there's there might be something else that can help them and I think that's incredibly important but it's fascinating right we know our systems are connected but because there are experts in different fields they are not looking at the whole holistic picture and it's a bit like the sort of mind body spirit you know we separated you know the church and the scientist separated the mind from the body and we often do it ourselves we don't think that the two are interconnected they are it's still all us I remember having a conversation with Indra at a conference and she was like but but they're you know I'm trying to get them as one and it took her a while I was like they are just one you don't need to do any thinking about it it is just one thing. Do you know what Ruth is I think so exciting about the world we we work in and hopefully we contribute to is there's a bit of a light bulb moment going on at the minute I think in medicine and in people taking more responsibility for their own health and their own journey and a realization that not everything can be fixed with a pill and yeah and I think I think we're on the cusp of a bit of a revolution you know we're electrical we're an electric chemical soup as individuals anyway we're connected and and and we're sort of in charge you know so that is um I I think it's real hope that because there's so much we can do to to to help ourselves help our children help the people we care for. Yeah and I am I know our nutritionist Cori Flynn at Indra's practice she says it's not about you know some people think if you're working with a nutritionist for example they're going to strip everything out of your diet she's like no we're going to add one good thing in so if we think of ourselves as a whole and we go right I'm going to add a good thing in whether that good thing is five minutes of a good breathing practice or five minutes of extra sleep or one minute of mindfulness when you're doing the dishes and you're just looking at the sun's in the water it doesn't matter it's about adding things in but also understanding that you're not time poor you can do it anywhere so you know I don't have time to lie there and do meditation for an hour I think it would bore me stupid but I can walk down the road when I'm going to get my kids from school and enjoy the sounds of the birds and the feeling of the breeze and just those little moments those light moments again and I think for parents and carers who are so busy all the time you often hear I don't have time to do anything for myself start small it's quality over quantity how do people get in touch with you they can go on my website they can email me they can find me on Facebook do you want me to actually give you details or do you just want to be able to post it on somewhere I'll tell you what if you um so your website is if you just call us online and then we'll also put it in the footnotes yeah so it's holistic health york at hotmail.com don't be put off no not at home yeah that's my email sorry not my website and I'm based in York but I work online so anybody can get can have a bit of Ruth well you know there's only so much of Ruth to go around but yeah and um that that's absolutely brilliant Ruth um I really hope by people listening today that they found something to take away yeah I think the work that you guys are doing is absolutely amazing and the just those those little light moments of hope for the people that you're working with is incredible and for all the other practitioners out there who are doing something along the same lines I think that's what we're all doing you know you hear the term light workers and you think spiritual hippy dippy stuff but I think in our own ways we are all light workers because we are trying to help people recognize that light that comes from within them that essence and and that's where the hope comes from it's from within each one of us it's not something we need to look for externally I think that's where we go wrong we can be guided and connected and helped along in that way with others but it's about us too very true Ruth what we'll do we'll put some links in the footnotes for your books and and people can connect with you because it's really important um and you know most people who listen in do know us but we're The Brain Collective um you can get in touch with us through our website which is The Brain Collective or through an email harrogate at thebraincollective.co.uk uh we're always online and we always love to talk to people and you know if we feel that it's something we can't help we're really good at signposting to people like Ruth who are a really valuable part of our network so so many thanks for everybody listening today and and please share us thank you so much thank you for joining us today on the episode we hope it's given you something to reflect on to feel into and to explore further if you'd like to learn more about how we support brain regulation and resilience through neurofeedback and brain training you can find us at thebraincollective.co.uk or connect with us on LinkedIn if you found the conversation helpful please consider sharing it with someone who might benefit too so until next time take care and take a moment to notice what your brain and body need today