Dreams, Dragonflies, and Destiny: How Fern Lehmann Overcame Grief

Welcome to another episode of Resilience Reborn. In today's episode, Angie reconnects with Fern Lehmann, who shares her profound and emotional journey through a series of heart-wrenching losses. Over the last 18 months, Fern faced the passing of three loved ones, including her husband, who battled brain cancer, and her mother, who passed away under hospice care. Fern opens up about the incredible support system that helped her through these turbulent times, including her family, close friends, and hospice services. She recounts significant moments, like a memorable 10-day vacation at Chesapeake Bay with her husband and the comforting dreams that reassured her of his peaceful journey after death. Fern also delves into the challenges of moving and selling the family home, the strains on familial relationships, and the eventual peace she finds in her new environment.

Key Takeaways:

• Fern’s personal losses
• A memorable vacation before her husbands passing
• Dreams and spiritual experiences
• The journey of grief and transition
• Reflections on strength and faith
• Friendship and support networks

Episode Timestamps:

00:00 Premonition prepared widow for husband's passing.

04:39 Pinched nerve led to cancer discovery.

09:34 Rediscovered faith and mutual respect recently.

11:45 Divine intervention led to profitable house flip.

13:22 He struggled communicating plans and emotions unexpectedly.

19:08 Final, meaningful vacation with loved ones.

20:32 Giving hope and diverse perspectives to listeners.

25:31 Family tensions arose during house completion project.

29:39 Ben struggles post-move; husband spiritually present.

30:31 Dragonflies symbolize father's presence and connection.

34:08 Knitting while he assessed room repairs progress.

39:37 I moved on, struggled to grieve properly.

41:35 Few people stayed with me through everything.

44:10 Faith helps navigate life's challenges and losses.

47:11 Podcasts offer personalized, valuable listening experiences.

Quote of the Episode:

"I believe God gave me the premonition to prepare me for what was to come because I think had I not known, I would have fallen apart and I had a minor child to take care of." - Fern Lehmann

Transcript

Angie Easley [00:00:13]:

Hi, and welcome to this episode of Resilience Reborn. I am one of your hosts, Angie Easley. Today, we have Fern Lehmann here with us, which is, I haven't seen you in how many years? Oh my gosh. It's been

Fern Lehmann [00:00:28]:

What year did you leave Gucci?

Angie Easley [00:00:30]:

Yeah. So I left in 2006. Okay. Yeah. So, I actually taught her son at my first job ever, when I became a music education teacher. So that's how far we go back. And here we are now, which is absolutely amazing. And I'm so excited that you are here with us today.

Angie Easley [00:00:50]:

I'm honored to be here. Oh my gosh. We're we are in for such a treat with this episode. So if you want, go ahead and just give us kind of like a background of you and, your late husband and just about your life maybe.

Fern Lehmann [00:01:04]:

Well, we met in Petersburg, Virginia when I went to nursing school. I was 18 when I met him, and I was dating someone else who introduced us. Oh, I love it. And we became friends. He became my mechanic, and, things didn't go well with the other guy. And he asked me out on a date, and we ended up together. We were married for 36 years.

Angie Easley [00:01:30]:

Oh, that's such a good story. Oh, I love that. I love that. Okay.

Fern Lehmann [00:01:35]:

We ultimately had, well, we had the 2 boys that you knew.

Angie Easley [00:01:39]:

Mhmm.

Fern Lehmann [00:01:40]:

And I had a stepson who's 5 years older than they are. Okay. And then, in 2006, our youngest son, Benjamin, was born.

Angie Easley [00:01:48]:

Okay. Okay. Very good. And, you lived down, like, in the Richmond, Virginia area at the time. Right? Okay. And so tell me a little bit about what brings you here today. Like, what what do you want to you have this platform that you're able to just talk to an audience about, you know, what has happened in your life. So maybe just start from, I don't know.

Angie Easley [00:02:16]:

Start from, like, you had a forewarning

Fern Lehmann [00:02:19]:

I did.

Angie Easley [00:02:19]:

About what was what was going to to happen. Right? So maybe just start there for us.

Fern Lehmann [00:02:25]:

Okay. Well, I had just had this premonition on multiple occasions that I was going to be a widow, and I didn't know at the time if it was just, you know, crazy imagination or, you know, sometimes I think the enemy tries to put things in our head that don't belong there. So I learned over time just to be patient and wait to see what it meant. But when he got his diagnosis, I knew immediately that that's what it was gonna be. And I believe God gave me the premonition to prepare me for what was to come because I think had I not known, I would have fallen apart and I had a minor child to take care of. So it allowed me to have some to grieve him as he was passing. And so by the time he was gone, I was more able to go into action and take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.

Angie Easley [00:03:25]:

Oh my gosh. So that and and even just just hearing that because I also had a premonition about the death of my husband. And when you said, for me, because I was very much into my faith, I was like, this this doesn't happen. This isn't real. And I don't know if that ever crossed your mind either. So I kind of pushed it away too as well. And like you said that you, you know, you just thought that you needed to be patient, and I never once thought that. So I commend you on that.

Angie Easley [00:04:03]:

I, it's just it's amazing the the number of people that I talk to that have these different situations and I the perspective that I can gain from them. So that that was really awesome that you said that you just had to be patient and you just let it sit. That premonition.

Fern Lehmann [00:04:20]:

That was a learned behavior because at this point, I was in my forties. If this had been in my twenties, I wouldn't have been his patient.

Angie Easley [00:04:27]:

Okay. Okay. Well, then maybe that makes sense with me. Right? Okay. So so then he tell it walk us through, like, his diagnosis. And so you had this premonition.

Fern Lehmann [00:04:39]:

And it was about a year later. He came home from work on a Friday. He had had he was having severe pain up in his shoulder, but he hadn't injured it, didn't know what it was coming from. And so all night, I tried to get him to go to the doctor and he wouldn't go. But then he woke me up in the middle of the night and had me take him to the emergency room. And they did a CT to try to determine what was causing it and found that he had a pinched nerve in his neck. And incidentally, while they did the CT, they found a what they call a spiculated nodule in his chest. And, even though they didn't tell him what it was, I knew immediately being a nurse that that was cancer and that it was not a good diagnosis.

Fern Lehmann [00:05:27]:

And because it was at the start of COVID, they didn't they weren't treating it. They weren't diagnosing it. And so they they literally their exact words were go home and watch it. Oh, and I was like, how

Angie Easley [00:05:42]:

do you how do you watch that?

Fern Lehmann [00:05:44]:

Exactly. Right? Right. Oh, gosh. Okay. See, and I don't have x-ray vision.

Angie Easley [00:05:50]:

No. And so and so being that you knew more than he did, tell us about that a little bit. That how was that for you? Well, I wanted to protect him.

Fern Lehmann [00:06:01]:

I knew emotionally he was in a different place than I was. His faith was in a different place than mine, and I didn't wanna frighten him or cause him to lose hope. And so I just said, well, we'll just keep looking until we find a doctor that's willing to help because so many, doctors weren't treating patients during COVID. Okay. So we just stayed vigilant about making phone calls and trying to find someone to treat him.

Angie Easley [00:06:28]:

So that's what you did. You just kept making phone calls and you finally found a doctor.

Fern Lehmann [00:06:32]:

We did. We found a respiratory doctor willing to help us. Okay. And so she saw him a few times and helped us find a surgeon Okay. And have him evaluated. Okay.

Angie Easley [00:06:45]:

And so what is this time frame now?

Fern Lehmann [00:06:48]:

Well, he was scheduled he, saw her in September. They got, no. He saw the I'm sorry. He saw her prior to that. He saw the surgeon in September and then got surgery scheduled for October and then got COVID with a bad case of bronchitis that had to be treated. So the surgery wasn't until November. Okay. And by this time, the cancer had wrapped around the vessels and the lymph nodes in the chest very close to the heart.

Fern Lehmann [00:07:20]:

So they only were able to remove what they could get to. And then, and then they had to give him some time to heal from surgery, and then they started the chemotherapy in January.

Angie Easley [00:07:32]:

Okay. Okay. So now I you mentioned your faith versus his faith.

Fern Lehmann [00:07:39]:

Talk a

Angie Easley [00:07:40]:

little bit about that.

Fern Lehmann [00:07:41]:

Well, I grew up in the church, and at 13, went to a Christian camp and accepted Jesus as my personal savior. And it's always been a big part of my life. I always rely on on God when I'm going through things, even when I'm not going through things. And his exact words to me years ago were his church was out in the woods. He was a hunter, an outdoorsman, loved to fish. And so that was his connection with the divine. So his walk was a little different than mine. It wasn't that he didn't believe.

Fern Lehmann [00:08:18]:

It was just, he wasn't interested in going to churches and that sort of thing.

Angie Easley [00:08:24]:

Didn't need to be in that building. Right.

Fern Lehmann [00:08:26]:

And I've even gotten to that place now. Right. But I appreciate his faith a lot more than I used to.

Angie Easley [00:08:33]:

Yes. And so I'm sure that, in your marriage, that that probably I I love that you because you said you were married for 30 36 years. 36 years, and so that didn't that didn't

Fern Lehmann [00:08:52]:

It didn't really cause any problems because I never tried to force him to do the things he didn't wanna do. And he was very respectful of my faith. And so we were just very, willing to accept where the other person was with their own journey, which I think is a really good life lesson.

Angie Easley [00:09:12]:

Oh, I do too. I really do too. Because, you know, even because the same thing with me, I grew up going to church and my first husband and I were that's how we met. We met through church, and we were very much into our faith. And then when he passed away, I ran from it. I

Fern Lehmann [00:09:33]:

remember. Yes.

Angie Easley [00:09:34]:

I I remember. Ran. And and it is just been within the last 4 years that I've actually, like, come back around with that. And, even now my current husband found his as well, you know, just found his faith. That's amazing. Yeah. So I I can see where where you just have that respect for one another that you understand. And and so tell me tell me a little bit about how now you understand what it was for him that you said, like, you have more of an understanding that what he felt when he was in the woods or, like, that what is what is that?

Fern Lehmann [00:10:11]:

Oh, well, for instance, I love going to the mountains of New Hampshire or Virginia. Mhmm. And I don't know how to explain it, but it's like up in up there. You can see out over the world so much, And there's just, to me, there's this connection with God in those places. And when I mean, you go outside, and if you really look around at the complexity of our world, I don't see how you can't see God's hand in everything. Yeah. It's right there. And he doesn't and I don't believe he causes the bad things.

Fern Lehmann [00:10:45]:

I believe he allows them, and then he brings good out of them, and there they're opportunities for us to have growth.

Angie Easley [00:10:52]:

Yeah. Okay. So with that said, tell me how how your faith and things like that carried you through this this awful time.

Fern Lehmann [00:11:05]:

Because I knew that no matter what happened, God was gonna take care of me. I didn't have a fear that I wasn't gonna have a home or food or clothes because God's always provided those things for me. So that wasn't a worry for me. And in fact, we got a lot more income that came in that I had no idea we were gonna get. Things like insurance policies that paid out more than we ever expected and a retirement plan he'd had with a school system he worked for that we had forgotten about. Okay. And they found me after he passed away and let me know that there was money there.

Angie Easley [00:11:44]:

Oh, okay.

Fern Lehmann [00:11:45]:

So just little things like that that God had to have had a hand in that. And then the house that we bought in Powhatan and renovated, a lot of people made fun of us because it was in sad shape when we bought it, and they just couldn't see the the vision and the good investment that it was. And we bought that house and, more than quadrupled our money. And so when I sold it, that allowed me to have money in the bank and to go buy a place for Ben and I to live, and still have money left over. So it was such a blessing. Oh, wow. And we prayed about that house. I mean, he wasn't one to really sit down and have a prayer with me, but if I'd say to him, should I pray about this? He'd be like, yes, please.

Angie Easley [00:12:34]:

Oh, okay. Oh, oh, wow. I think

Fern Lehmann [00:12:38]:

it was his growing up years. And unfortunately, he had some experiences with the church when he was young and some other family members that were very hypocritical. They would tell him he needed church and take him, but then they wouldn't go. And so that's where the

Angie Easley [00:12:57]:

thing Takes signals. Mhmm. Exactly.

Fern Lehmann [00:13:00]:

It was very confusing for him. Oh, yeah. So I think that's why he sought it elsewhere. Mhmm. Oh, gosh. Okay.

Angie Easley [00:13:08]:

Okay. Were were there particular, like, moments or experiences, like, through his illness that that tested your faith at all?

Fern Lehmann [00:13:22]:

Oh, for sure. Okay. His way of he told me early on, he couldn't deal with talking about it. Mhmm. So talking about the plans for my future or how we were gonna handle things, he he couldn't deal with it because this came out of nowhere. He had no time to prepare, and he was always somebody that had a hard time putting his feelings into words. Mhmm. And so I think he had a really hard time, and he he also said he couldn't deal with us being upset.

Fern Lehmann [00:13:59]:

Okay. Yeah. So what I did around him was I was very strong. I refused to cry in front of him. I was very careful to talk to other people when I needed support, and and do my best to be his rock because that's what he'd always been for me. So I wanted to do the same for him. But that made it hard. It was very hard because my husband, you know, he's sick.

Fern Lehmann [00:14:26]:

He's dying. I know I'm gonna lose him. And in the meantime, he's pushing me

Angie Easley [00:14:30]:

away.

Fern Lehmann [00:14:31]:

And he'd always been like, when my dad died, I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't been there because I fell apart in a way I'd never fallen apart before, and he held me up during that time. But I also wanted to do the same for him. So I knew I had to find a way to do it.

Angie Easley [00:14:49]:

So I just did a lot of praying. So so fast forward, that you had to be so strong, and it was only like behind closed doors that you were allowed, or that you allowed yourself to kind of break down. Did that affect you after he passed away? Like or were you able to just grieve whenever you wanted at that point because you weren't you knew you didn't need to be like have that face

Fern Lehmann [00:15:20]:

on him? Because there were so many things going on. I'm just now getting to a place where I can really grieve it the way I want to. Because, my husband died in June of 21. In July, my uncle was diagnosed with cancer. He lived right across the street from us, and my aunt was very sick. She couldn't drive, and so I helped her with my uncle.

Angie Easley [00:15:47]:

Oh gosh.

Fern Lehmann [00:15:48]:

And he came home on hospice in October for he was only home for a little over a week, and I helped her with his passing. And then as soon as that happened, my mother's health had not been good for many years and it got worse and she needed my assistance. So I started and my older son was still living at home, so he helped me with Benjamin.

Angie Easley [00:16:10]:

Mhmm.

Fern Lehmann [00:16:11]:

And I did a lot of traveling back and forth to help my mother. And eventually, she ended up coming to my home in September of 22 and passed in December of 22 on hospice at my house. And this was all while the house was being prepared to be put on the market. So I had people working on the house during this time. It was supposed to have been finished, but it ended up being a longer process than we had planned.

Angie Easley [00:16:40]:

Oh my gosh. Okay. So you've now had how many people pass away?

Fern Lehmann [00:16:47]:

3. 3. It was 3 in 18 months. Yeah. It was hard.

Angie Easley [00:16:56]:

How how does one do that?

Fern Lehmann [00:16:58]:

All I can say is God was with me every step of the way and held me up because, otherwise, I don't know how I could have done it. Right. And I had I did have support. Right. Yeah. I had my adult son and a teenage son living with me. My mother's husband was extremely supportive and was in and out almost at at least every other day, if not every day.

Angie Easley [00:17:22]:

Okay.

Fern Lehmann [00:17:22]:

My sister was there a lot. Okay. So I did have support. And then I have some really close girlfriends that I can call at any moment. Yeah.

Angie Easley [00:17:32]:

Okay. So you were able to lean on those people

Fern Lehmann [00:17:37]:

when you needed it. And hospice is a godsend because you've got the nurse coming in and she's very supportive. Right. And you can call for a chaplain, and then they offer counseling with the social worker if you need it as well. So that helps too. Okay.

Angie Easley [00:17:54]:

How how were your children during all of this?

Fern Lehmann [00:17:59]:

Much stronger than I anticipated. Okay. Yeah. I mean, it was hard on all of us, but they too were very strong. I think it was because my husband had always been such a strong person and he had modeled that for them, And they wanted to, like I did, wanted to be strong for him. My son, Eric, went above and beyond trying to make that vacation for his dad.

Angie Easley [00:18:25]:

Oh, tell us about that. Tell us about the vacation.

Fern Lehmann [00:18:28]:

We took him on a 10 day vacation. He had, at this point, had been diagnosed with brain cancer from the lung cancer. And we went on a 10 day vacation in Maryland on the Chesapeake Bay, and he got to go out on the boat and fish every day. He caught more fish than everybody else. And that wasn't because they were manipulating it. That just is the way it happens. And, and we cooked. We took turns cooking.

Fern Lehmann [00:18:55]:

So we made all of his favorite meals, and we all sat down around this great big round table every night and had dinner as a family. And so it was it was really I could tell it was it really meant the world to him.

Angie Easley [00:19:08]:

Oh, yes. And I can imagine all of the feelings that came with that because you are knowing that this is it, that you wanted this to be magical for him. You wanted all of his family and the people that he cared about to be together. But at the same time, you know that this is going to be the last vacation that you all have. But I can imagine just seeing him in his element, that it just it left such a lasting

Fern Lehmann [00:19:41]:

like. It gave me enough joy that the hard part was made easier because of that joy. Yeah. And I try to focus on the good parts and not the bad because I think it makes it easier to handle. It gives you a strength.

Angie Easley [00:19:58]:

I'm sure. I'm sure. And I, you know, in talking with so many people that have been through things like this, I love just hearing it because I didn't have that perspective. I did not have the knowledge or, you know, I was I was just I was still so young.

Fern Lehmann [00:20:19]:

I identify with that because I lost my grandmother, who was my second mother, when I was 19. Mhmm. And that was the hardest loss I'd had up until that point. Right. And I didn't have that perspective then.

Angie Easley [00:20:32]:

Yeah. And and and so it just, like, it it just gives me so much hope and for anybody listening to hear things like this because I think it is so valuable that other people have this to listen to because I didn't. And, you know, that's part of one of the the reasons why I'm doing this is because I just wanna give that and give hope and all these different perspectives to other people. Because if I had had something like that, I don't I love my journey. Like, I love where I'm at, but I don't know what it would be. So I love that you're telling us all of these things. Okay, I'm going to go to my questions now. Okay.

Angie Easley [00:21:16]:

So you mentioned that you had the premonition. Okay? But you did talk a little bit before we started this about some dreams. So Yeah. Talk about those 2.

Fern Lehmann [00:21:28]:

About 2 weeks before my husband passed away, I had a dream where his deceased he had 2 brothers who had passed before him. Okay. And the one that was closest in age to him had passed from the same exact kind of cancer. Oh. And he came to me in a dream 2 weeks before he passed and said, when the time comes for Bobby to go home, I will be with Jesus when we come to get him. And I want you to know not to worry about him, that he's going to be okay. So that gave me a lot of comfort. Mhmm.

Fern Lehmann [00:22:06]:

I'm sure that

Angie Easley [00:22:11]:

I think that is probably one of the toughest things that that I went through is because I just didn't know. I didn't know. So that I can imagine, just meant the world to you.

Fern Lehmann [00:22:26]:

Well, because I wasn't sure exactly where he was in his faith journey, that helped confirm to me that I knew he was going to heaven.

Angie Easley [00:22:36]:

Yeah. Yep. Oh, okay. So that was one dream. Did you have another one? Or

Fern Lehmann [00:22:43]:

I had, he came to me twice. And the second time was after Bobby had passed, and he passed at home. He was still miraculously, and I don't know how. I really don't, but he was still on his feet. It was not easy. It was not he's he told me when he got sick, he said, I am not whatever you do, I do not wanna be in a hospital bed with everybody standing around me when I pass. He said, I would rather be outside in my element. Yep.

Fern Lehmann [00:23:15]:

And so we didn't stop him from trying to go outside, and we did make him start using a cane to try to keep him from falling. Yeah. Because he was very unsteady. Okay. But he he would get up every morning before us and go outside. That had been his routine for years. And so he'd gotten up that morning and went outside. And, my son, when he went to go to work that morning, found him.

Fern Lehmann [00:23:43]:

And he was sitting on the ground like an Indian, which number 1, he never sat that way because his legs would go to sleep and then he couldn't get up. And he had his hand behind him and his head was slumped over, And he literally looked like he was about to rise, like he was gonna get up. And his brother came to me afterwards and said the reason he was in that position was when we came to get him, and we told him it was time to go home. He went to get up, and he didn't realize he didn't need to bring his body with him.

Angie Easley [00:24:20]:

And that was a dream.

Fern Lehmann [00:24:22]:

Yeah. And I knew the day I saw him in that position, I was like, Andrew, he's trying to get he was trying to get up. But he hadn't passed? No. This is when he passed. Yes. He was sitting on the ground like in the end. That's how you found him. Yes.

Fern Lehmann [00:24:39]:

With his hand behind him as if he was getting ready to get up. So it just confirmed for me that first dream was true because for it to happen twice.

Angie Easley [00:24:57]:

This is powerful. This is so powerful. Okay. Let's see here. You talked about your faith and how his faith how did it bring you peace? Maybe, like, during the illness, like, was there anything that stands out?

Fern Lehmann [00:25:31]:

Well, I mean, don't get me wrong. There were times that were difficult. We were as soon as he found out he was sick, he got the boys to start helping him try to finish the house. Okay. So there was a lot of activity that went on between the time that we first found out for sure that it was cancer and when he got so sick that he was going through chemo and couldn't do much. Mhmm. And so, you know, there were a lot of family I wouldn't say fights, but little disagreements over paint colors. And I think that's how a lot of the tension and grief came out was, you know so during that time, it was a little difficult.

Fern Lehmann [00:26:11]:

Okay.

Angie Easley [00:26:15]:

Okay. Explain you mentioned that you don't think that you have really started to grieve.

Fern Lehmann [00:26:25]:

No. I had to you sometimes you have to put it on hold when you're so busy because I needed to I knew I couldn't stay in the house. It was a very large house, 4 bedroom house, 3 bathrooms. We didn't need that much space. It was too much to take care of and 5 acres, mostly wooded. So it needed a lot of maintenance. And this was a 100 year old house that had been redone, but even still constantly needing maintenance of some kind. And I needed something a little newer and easier to care for.

Fern Lehmann [00:26:59]:

And so with the other deaths and trying to get the house sold, I moved in with a family member temporarily for a year Okay.

Angie Easley [00:27:08]:

To let the house sell.

Fern Lehmann [00:27:10]:

It was easier to sell it with us not living there because I had 2 kids and animals and it just made it easier for showings. Right. So we put the house, on the market in June of 23, and the house sold in February of 24. Okay. And then in addition to everything else, while I was moving, I injured my elbow and my shoulder. Mhmm. And so in September of 23, I had an elbow surgery. And then in February, I had a shoulder surgery.

Angie Easley [00:27:49]:

You're like Superwoman.

Fern Lehmann [00:27:52]:

I don't feel like Superwoman. I know. We feel Sometimes I'm like, okay, Lord. I think I've had enough now.

Angie Easley [00:28:00]:

I know. And then yes. And so, yes. So so you're saying that now, after all of these these adversities and these challenges that you have had, that you're just now starting to feel like that you can kind of let your guard down. So what does that look like for you?

Fern Lehmann [00:28:21]:

Well, now we're in our own house. I'm not living with somebody else. I have a lot more privacy. I don't even and my son is grieving too. So, my youngest son still lives with me. And I want him to grieve and feel comfortable to do it in front of me if he wants, but I don't want him to be burdened with my grief. So I try to do that in private.

Angie Easley [00:28:43]:

Mhmm.

Fern Lehmann [00:28:44]:

So I do a lot of, spending time with girlfriends when I when he's doing other things, and, and I have an aunt that lives nearby who really understands and is a great support. Oh, okay. So I lean on on on people that can help me that, you know, are a little more objective than he would be. Right. So then I'm not burdening him.

Angie Easley [00:29:09]:

So with your your son, Ben, how has that looked for him?

Fern Lehmann [00:29:15]:

He's had a rough go. He and his brother had a problem, and that's why my older son doesn't live with me now. And that was very, very traumatic because they had been very close prior to this. Okay. Mhmm. And I believe it was unresolved grief with my older son and possibly some mental health issues that needed addressing.

Angie Easley [00:29:38]:

Gotcha.

Fern Lehmann [00:29:39]:

And so and then Ben, unfortunately, didn't do well with the move with our family member, and that complicated things. And he's had some health issues, so he's had some things going on. So once we got in our own house this past June, and ironically, the day we moved into our new house was the 3rd anniversary of my husband's death, and I don't think that was a coincidence. Right. Yeah. And I felt like he was with me all day that day. Like, you guys could feel it. Well, he sent me dragonflies from the very beginning.

Fern Lehmann [00:30:17]:

From the very day he died, I started seeing dragonflies. Oh, so what is

Angie Easley [00:30:23]:

I know. I see that you have them all over. I wondered.

Fern Lehmann [00:30:25]:

Yes.

Angie Easley [00:30:27]:

Okay. So was there anything about dragonflies before?

Fern Lehmann [00:30:31]:

Only that he's a fisherman, and so you see them all the time when you're fishing. And because I associate butterflies with, my father's death and with my mother, it's more a hummingbird. So I think he was trying to choose something that was going to be different from everybody else that I would associate with him. And so I knew immediately. And the day I'm and I didn't see them for the year that we lived at the family member's house. I didn't see a single dragonfly. But as soon as I stepped foot on that new property the day we moved in, I started seeing them again.

Angie Easley [00:31:12]:

It's so crazy. Oh my gosh. That is just And

Fern Lehmann [00:31:15]:

I know some people would think, oh, it's a it's a coincidence, or you're just imagining it. It's not. It's not because you feel something emotionally. It's not just seeing something physical. You feel something spiritual related to it.

Angie Easley [00:31:32]:

Mhmm. And And that you're exactly right that he saw them all the time because he loved fishing. So that is just enough to say that this is what he's sending to give you peace and for you to know that he is he's watching me. He's okay,

Fern Lehmann [00:31:52]:

and he's still with me.

Angie Easley [00:31:53]:

Yeah. Yeah.

Fern Lehmann [00:31:54]:

And that gives me strength too. Right. And I think that's where a lot of my strength has come from because he was always has always been the rock of our family, just always the strongest person, and you could always count on him. He was always thinking about us and doing little special things for us. And

Angie Easley [00:32:17]:

Ugh. You're strong too. You're stronger than you know.

Fern Lehmann [00:32:22]:

Yeah. There are times I there's times I question it, and then there are times I I realize it.

Angie Easley [00:32:27]:

Mhmm. Yeah. Oh, gosh. And that, you know, I I didn't get a lot of this, what you're talking about either, but I wasn't married for that long either. So, you know, you had this whole life that you built with him.

Fern Lehmann [00:32:43]:

I've been with him more than even my parents.

Angie Easley [00:32:46]:

Right, because you met him so young. Yeah. So you had built this wonderful life and so that is really that it's powerful that you still feel him and you get all of these these little signs, if you will, or, yeah, I can see how that would carry you through on a day to day basis. Mhmm.

Fern Lehmann [00:33:11]:

Very much so.

Angie Easley [00:33:12]:

Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, I love stuff like this. Okay. Do you have anything else that you wanna tell us that I haven't really, like, touched on? Well, there was there was really a neat happening. It's something that happened in the hospital because of COVID.

Fern Lehmann [00:33:32]:

They only allowed 1 person in. So when he was in the hospital getting the radiation for the brain, cancer so he could go on vacation, and he started coming back to himself. He was always a little prankster and loved to joke. We used the king of dad jokes. And it's always how we connected in the very beginning. And and he was he loved to flirt. And so when he started getting better, I I cope. I I like to knit on a loom.

Fern Lehmann [00:34:08]:

Okay. And so I had my loom with me, and I was sitting in the chair next to him knitting and he just, he kept looking around the room and looking at me. And I was like, what are you doing? And he said, just checking to see what needs to be fixed. Well, I knew that meant he was getting better because he was a mister fix it. He went in the bathroom one day to wash his hands, and the water wouldn't cut off all the way. And I said, okay, mister handyman. This is not your job, but if you'd like me to call somebody to fix it, I will.

Angie Easley [00:34:40]:

Right. Yeah.

Fern Lehmann [00:34:41]:

And so it was just neat because we connected on a level that we had connected on back when we first met. Uh-huh. And I I don't know. It was just a it was really special.

Angie Easley [00:34:52]:

Something that stood out to

Fern Lehmann [00:34:53]:

you. Mhmm. Mhmm.

Angie Easley [00:34:54]:

Yeah. It was it can reconnected us in a really special way during that time. Well, I think that it gave you a glimpse of the way that he was. And you, you know, because, you know, I had, one guest on and her husband had cancer as well and she talked about the drawn out, right? The that you

Fern Lehmann [00:35:19]:

Watching them go downhill. Yes. That is the hardest thing in the world.

Angie Easley [00:35:23]:

Yes. And she and she said that after he did have some treatment, it's like he came back to life for a while. And that is similar to this experience I feel like that you had, that you saw that glimpse of, Oh, this is who Bobby is. And you had just because you had to watch the decline, right? And then when you said, We have to go on this vacation, and he just needs to be, and then, you know, I think that that is

Fern Lehmann [00:35:52]:

So twice I got him to he got to come back a little bit.

Angie Easley [00:35:55]:

And that was yeah. That was really neat. I'm sure. Because that probably then it maybe just like refueled you a little bit more, I think, you know, after so much of seeing the decline in health and him not being the strong person that

Fern Lehmann [00:36:09]:

you know. And we think that he may have had cancer for longer than we were aware because 3 years prior to the diagnosis, he had his health. He just hadn't been well. Mhmm. Very fatigued, not himself. He'd come home from work and just be exhausted, not feel like doing things. And my sons picked up on it later that he had been trying to work on vehicles and just couldn't do it. Oh, okay.

Fern Lehmann [00:36:38]:

And I attributed it just to lack of energy because his job was so demanding. But I now know that he think back. His mind wasn't connecting what he needed to do to finish the work. Gotcha. And we found things that he had messed up during that time

Angie Easley [00:36:53]:

too. Okay. Okay. So and and you had mentioned before too that he wasn't one to go to the doctor? No. No. You know? There's nothing wrong I'm going to, which a lot of a lot of people are like that. So, okay. Okay.

Angie Easley [00:37:09]:

If you if there's one lesson, anything that you can push forward or that, you know, advice that you could give to someone with all that you've been through,

Fern Lehmann [00:37:26]:

and I don't I don't care what kind of difficulty it is. Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. Find faith in a higher power, whatever that is to you, because it will carry you through. Mhmm. Yeah. And and realize that no matter what you go through, there's a lesson in everything.

Fern Lehmann [00:37:46]:

There's something you're supposed to learn from it. Right. And then you can pass that on to others and help other people. Mhmm. Mhmm. And that's always been part of who I am is I love to help others. Yeah. Yeah.

Angie Easley [00:38:03]:

I, you know, I'm I'm grateful that I'm where I am now because I I did find purpose eventually. I wish it had been sooner. So I

Fern Lehmann [00:38:16]:

But don't beat yourself up over that because everybody's journey is different.

Angie Easley [00:38:20]:

It is, it's totally different. And I preach this stuff and I talk to other widows about it. And I think it's just when I sit back and I look at other people that have been through it and how strong they are, sometimes I just wish that I could have been that strong from the start, you know? But I I would agree that there has to be purpose in what is happening or what does happen or your journey. There has to be purpose and you have to believe and figure it out. I 100% believe that now. I didn't many years ago at all.

Fern Lehmann [00:39:02]:

And if you have a family member going through grief for something, please don't tell them it's time for it to be over.

Angie Easley [00:39:10]:

Please don't. Oh my gosh.

Fern Lehmann [00:39:12]:

And don't be afraid to bring up the person they're grieving because it helps to talk about it. To talk to. Yes. You know, it's

Angie Easley [00:39:19]:

like say their name. Like, we want we want that as, you know, whether it's a as a widow or it's your parent or it's a child. That's it it makes us feel feel worthy and good if we are allowed to talk about it.

Fern Lehmann [00:39:35]:

And still connected to them.

Angie Easley [00:39:37]:

Yes. Yes. And I think, you know, even for me, that that was a lot, you know, because I was young and I did move forward. I don't know if it was it was in my own time. You can say it was quick or not quick. But I don't think that I felt that I could grieve, because I was moving forward, and I did remarry, and I did have kids, and so I kind of put that on the back burner. And I think that's what got me, is that I didn't feel that society or the people I surrounded myself with allowed me to do that. I had, I'm okay.

Angie Easley [00:40:20]:

People are afraid of it. They truly are. They truly are afraid of it, and they don't know how to be around you. They don't know the things to say when you're around. So many awkward times that I'm sure you've had those too.

Fern Lehmann [00:40:36]:

Oh, very much so.

Angie Easley [00:40:37]:

It's just it it's baffling to me that, you know, you know, I I had some people that they didn't know what to say, so they just didn't. And now they're not even in my life. Mhmm.

Fern Lehmann [00:40:49]:

Well, I had one friend that, we had been friends for years and I had supported her. She had lost her mother at a very young age. And then when I lost my father, she suddenly didn't want to hear anything about my loss and couldn't understand why it was important to me. And I was going through the hardest time in my life at that point and needed support. And I was like, okay, well, if you can't support me, then I have to move on. And so and and I chose not to go back to that friendship because I felt like I was giving, but I never got anything in return. And I needed I need and as my best friend says, she said, you need to be a friend to have a friend.

Angie Easley [00:41:35]:

Yeah. Yeah. I think I I think about all the people that have come in and out of my life through my journey, and there are very few that stuck with me through the entire thing, very few. And for me, it means so much because they see they knew me then and they watched this journey and they know me now, and I wish that everybody could have done that. Like I really truly do. I wish that everybody We all grieve differently, And so when you when you talk about other people and them trying to support you, who knows what's going through their head? We see it different because, you know, especially with you at 19 when you had your first major loss. Right? So you we just see the world and people differently. It's like we're our own tribe, I feel like.

Fern Lehmann [00:42:30]:

I think so too.

Angie Easley [00:42:32]:

Because I do have people in my life that really haven't haven't experienced a major loss or life adversity even for that, you know, anything that really has set them back, and they do see things so differently. And I sometimes have to just step back and take a minute and say, Angie, they don't know. And I have to be okay with that. But sometimes, you know, I just wanna shake them and be like, don't you understand? It's so hard. And I don't know if you experienced that at all. For sure.

Fern Lehmann [00:43:01]:

Yeah. For sure.

Angie Easley [00:43:02]:

Yeah. It's just it's hard to be on this side of things and just watch sometimes and just be quiet. You know, I have to just, you know, that's one thing that I reflect about a lot. And I feel like sometimes it's hard to have friendships when the other person doesn't understand, but they never will unless they walk in your shoes. And the end of the day, I would never want anybody to go through what I have to

Fern Lehmann [00:43:31]:

go through. And ironically, 2 of my best friends are both widows. So maybe that's why. And I've been friends with them since well, one of them I wasn't friends with before she lost her husband, but the other one I was. But I think maybe that's what's allowed us to stay so close is because we really get each other.

Angie Easley [00:43:51]:

You do. In a way that no one will. I know that my one really great friend that her husband was also in the plane crash, she was my everything, my everything. Even though we were at different places in our life at the time But

Fern Lehmann [00:44:09]:

you were both going through the same thing.

Angie Easley [00:44:10]:

Yes. And we just understood. We understood if I called her and just cried. It was okay. And when other people are, What? What are you doing? You know, it's really hard and it is awkward for them. Okay, so you say, Find your higher power, and lean into that. Because for you and your multiple losses in journey along your life, that that is what has been the basis of everything really, truly for you. Just, you know, your faith and and being able to have him go through.

Angie Easley [00:44:50]:

Benjamin's here.

Fern Lehmann [00:44:51]:

Yeah. Because I lost 3 babies trying to have him, and I didn't I didn't give up because God had told me I was gonna have another child. And so I just refused to give up, and I trusted my faith. And he has been such a blessing in my life. I can't imagine him not being here.

Angie Easley [00:45:08]:

Right. Well, and if you think about this too, like he's been here with you through this. Right? And

Fern Lehmann [00:45:15]:

have you not And because he's not old enough to live on his own, we've really stuck together through this.

Angie Easley [00:45:21]:

Oh, I'm sure.

Fern Lehmann [00:45:22]:

I'm sure. And it's been a blessing, I think, for both of us. Wow.

Angie Easley [00:45:26]:

So that's just another, like, divine intervention there. I feel like that you said you lost the 3, and then he's here, and now he's he's with you, and and that's your person right now. Right. Right? Right. That's so awesome. Oh, my gosh. Well, do you have anything else that you that you want to tell our audience, or did we cover a lot of the things? I know. We covered it all.

Angie Easley [00:45:52]:

I know. It's it's so cool, this conversation, and just, catching up with you and just the the the things that you have brought today. I I I don't know. You're just you're an amazing person.

Fern Lehmann [00:46:06]:

Oh, thank you.

Angie Easley [00:46:07]:

You you truly are. And I I never have forgotten about you from all those years of teaching your son, like, ever.

Fern Lehmann [00:46:15]:

I remember telling you it was okay to be angry at God when you lost Kyle.

Angie Easley [00:46:21]:

I can't say I remember that because I don't remember a lot of things. But, yeah.

Fern Lehmann [00:46:27]:

I remember telling you you needed to give yourself permission. Yeah.

Angie Easley [00:46:32]:

Oh, Thank you. Oh my gosh. Okay. Well, is there anything that we can do for you that a way that we can help support you, with Resilience Reborn? Or I don't think so. Yeah. I'm just grateful that you that we have this platform that and you felt comfortable enough to come and share your story with me and our audience.

Fern Lehmann [00:46:54]:

I hope it resonates with other people.

Angie Easley [00:46:56]:

Oh, it will. 100%. And this is this is what what Trey and I, we tell ourselves, even if it's just one, if it's one person that it is gonna resonate with, that is one person that we didn't touch before.

Fern Lehmann [00:47:11]:

You know,

Angie Easley [00:47:11]:

it's just the ability to have a place to go and listen on your own. That's what I love about the podcast, I think, is that you do it when you want, how you want, and there's nobody, you know, it's not, you know, there have been some people that have come on and said, you know, therapy. I therapy was the best thing for me, you know, going to see a therapist, you know. And I love that, but I feel like listening to something like this in real life perspectives from people that have gone through it, and you can do it on your own time, I think is really, really valuable.

Fern Lehmann [00:47:45]:

And therapy is definitely valuable. Right. It's just that I have had so many other things going on that we didn't even have time

Angie Easley [00:47:53]:

for therapy. When would you have time to fit a session in? And I have my whole thoughts on therapy because I've had so many therapists throughout my life. And Me too. Yes. And it At some point But

Fern Lehmann [00:48:04]:

I had that to build on. So it wasn't like I'd never been. So I had those coping skills.

Angie Easley [00:48:09]:

Right. You had the tools. And and that's what I do love about it. I love that that they did provide me with the tools. But if someone asked me again, well, how are you feeling today? I thought I would, well, I'd smack them. Right? I think that's another another guess of the same thing that, you know, so those are all really, really great tools. But I I'm just telling you, if I woulda had a group of widows that I could've connected with, I think it would have been awesome. So that's what I love about this and I love this platform.

Angie Easley [00:48:44]:

So well, Fern, thank you so much.

Fern Lehmann [00:48:48]:

Thank you

Angie Easley [00:48:48]:

so much. Thank you so much. For coming here today and being able to reconnect with you and just that that you felt good enough to share your story, and just know that you are so strong and you are amazing, and I am so grateful for you. Alright. Well, thank you so much for listening this to this episode of resilience reborn. Until next time.