ILI: History Makers Leadership Podcast

Ep. 35 | Building Stronger Families

• International Leadership Institute • Season 1 • Episode 35

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What makes a family strong?

Researchers in more than 30 countries have found remarkable similarities among families of different cultures. They found the qualities they share far outstrip cultural distinctions!

This episode brings together Shannon Jackson and our esteemed guest, Norval Trindage, Vice President for Training at the International Leadership Institute, to explore just that. We dive into the heart of family dynamics, uncovering the six characteristics of a healthy family, with a special emphasis on appreciation and affection. Norval shares a touching personal story about choosing family over career, underscoring the profound impact of prioritizing loved ones. We also unravel the power of quick apologies, highlighting how humility can pave the way for growth and stronger relationships.

In this episode, we continue to examine the six essential characteristics of strong families.

  1. Strong Commitment 
  2. Time together 
  3. Communication 
  4. Appreciation 
  5. Solving problems 
  6. A Shared Spiritual Life 

Norival and Shannon explore the role of shared spiritual life and effective conflict resolution in strengthening family ties. From family dinners to nurturing relationships through prayer and spiritual guidance, we discuss practical strategies for balancing busy schedules and fostering better communication. 

Resources mentioned in this podcast:

When you begin ILI training, you will discover how the Eight Core Values will lead to the Seven Outcomes in your life and the lives of those you lead. Join a community of leaders who are ready to change history and make an impact in this world. Discover more at ILITeam.org/connect.


Speaker 1:

Welcome to the History Makers Leadership Podcast, where we explore the transformative journey that is leadership. Each episode, we will dive deep into strategies, stories, insights and the core values that shape and inspire effective Christian leaders who make an impact all around the globe. This podcast is brought to you by the International Leadership Institute. Get ready to unlock your leadership potential and let's change history together.

Speaker 2:

Hi, welcome to the History Makers Leadership Podcast. I'm Shannon Jackson, the Church Partnership Coordinator here at the International Leadership Institute, and today we are going to discuss again family priority, and I'm joined with my co-worker here, Norval Trindage.

Speaker 3:

Yes, I am Norval. I am ILI's vice president for training, and we are having this beautiful conversation about family priority, which is one of our eight core values, and so this episode is the continuation of a conversation about family priority, which is one of our eight core values. And so this episode is the continuation of a conversation. We'd recommend that you would go and listen or watch the first one, so you can get the whole picture. But, shannon, you can give us a little recap so that everybody will be on the same page with us.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, I'd love to. So we are covering the six characteristics of a healthy family, strong family. The number one characteristic is strong commitment, and for these I'm going to give you a little sentence about what they are. So, with a strong commitment characteristic, this is when strong families believe in the value of the family and consider family a priority in their lives. The second characteristic is spending enjoyable time together. Strong families spend time together doing meaningful things. The third characteristic is good communication. Strong families communicate In addition to commonplace exchanges. Family members encourage one another to express their feelings and convictions, knowing that they will be received with respect and understanding. And the fourth characteristic that we discussed in the last episode was appreciation and affection for each other. Strong families express appreciation for each other. They are intentional about encouragement and support. Family members seek to express their love in ways that others will receive, as authentic Families share a rich and genuine emotional life. And, norval, we want to pick it up with this fourth characteristic again appreciation and affection for each other.

Speaker 3:

Yes, this is again. I'm going to repeat what I said twice in the last episode that, on a more global scenario or context, that might be the one people struggle with the most. Um, I think the last one that we're going to mention is also one that a lot of times we fall short a little bit. Yeah, but this, this idea that I will come to my children and and tell them I love them and express and make a, make a compliment about something that they've done. I'm so proud of you. It's foreign to a lot of cultures and yet it is something that will absolutely transform your, your family life.

Speaker 3:

We all know the horror stories of children that were told they were worthless. They were, they would never amount to anything. I don't know why parents said that to children in the past. I'm blessed. My dad never said that. He always affirmed me, but he wasn't you know one to to come and say hey, my son, I'm very proud of you. His affirmation was slightly different, but a good word of affirmation, I believe, because of ignorance, because of junk in our own lives. As long as we're alive, there's an opportunity for us to correct wrongs You're right wrongs and a lot of times, words of appreciation need to start with a word of apology for not having been done that enough in the past.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. That was one of the things I think. Early on in my parenting and in my marriage, some advice I was given was to be quick, to say I'm sorry and admit when you're wrong, because there's no reward for always being right and you can go a long way. When your kids can see you, when your spouse can see you humbly, just admit. You know I was wrong about that. I shouldn't have done that.

Speaker 3:

You know, that reminds me of something that happened with my family. There was a moment when they were transitioning from high school into college, so they were already pretty grown up, and we my wife Christine and I made a decision that put them above our own, even our ministry, and I'll never forget the look on their faces, what you guys are doing this for us. Yeah, and it. It was that act, you know. And then, of course, that gave us an opportunity.

Speaker 3:

Hey, listen, you guys are our priority, that's the reason we are doing this, we are making this life career change. It was not a major life career, but it was significant and it was because of them. And so, yeah, when you put that into words and into action, because words can be empty too. So words of affirmation need to be accompanied by action- Right, you know this reminds me.

Speaker 2:

it's a quote. Maybe you'll know, but I cannot remember who to give credit to for this quote, but it says encourage what you want to continue seeing. So I just always think about that. When you see someone doing something really well, encourage that, because that's the behavior they're going to repeat, the one that you keep saying yeah, you're doing that really good. They're like, oh, I'm doing that good, Okay, let me keep doing it like that then. And so I think affirmation and encouraging those good qualities in your kids and in your spouse and your extended family members is beneficial, because they'll continue doing those things that they're doing really well.

Speaker 3:

I mean, why wouldn't it right? Because if somebody comes in and gives me a word of affirmation about something I'm doing. You know, hey, you really did well leading worship today, or that was a great message that you brought. That encourages us to keep doing better. So there's no reason why our children wouldn't wouldn't be exactly like that, and so, um, I'm actually going to put you on the spot a little bit here. Didn't you and your family go on a camping trip just recently?

Speaker 2:

Yes, we did.

Speaker 3:

So how was it in terms of building your family? Tell us a little bit about that.

Speaker 2:

So we love camping as a family, and so my boys. We go camping with a group of friends. We've went several years in a row, and so my kids get an opportunity to hang out with other kids and other people of similar faith values that we have. And so when we are camping, it's you know, we're out in the wilderness sleeping in tents. One of my kids sleeps outside under the stars. He just likes doing it that way. But it does develop good quality characteristics in them because they have to get along with other people they have to share. We are just kind of living on top of each other for a little while.

Speaker 3:

Providing opportunities for growth. Providing lots of opportunities by being together by spending time, by maybe taking a break from your everyday life, absolutely. Is something that helps bring up that. Now, the next characteristic would be. Number five is one that I don't know. Maybe it doesn't happen in your family, but I know it happens in my family. It's the ability to solve problems and react in moments of crises. I'm kidding, I know there's crisis in your family. If there's more than two people together, there will be conflict, absolutely. What's your approach to conflict resolution?

Speaker 2:

Generally, we just start with discussing whatever the situation is, whatever's going on, appreciating each other's perspectives on the situation and, you know, talking through what do we feel is best for resolving that type of conflict or crisis. Or, you know, a lot of times for us it's either done over conversation or done over dinner, something we bring up at dinnertime where we can. You know you only have as your kids get older, you only have certain moments in their life that's undivided. And so before my oldest is about to be driving on his own. He can, but he doesn't have his own car yet. So when we're in the car together and we're eating together, that is the best opportunity for us to have discussions and to talk about anything going on, any crisis, because we have their undivided attention. They can't go anywhere. They got to eat, they got to sit in the car till we get to wherever we're going.

Speaker 3:

So they might as well resolve that conflict.

Speaker 3:

Might as well deal with it, because they're a meter from each other or two feet from each other, and they better get along. Yeah, a meter from each other or two feet from each other, and and they will, they better get along, yeah. Now, my brothers and I, we were not terrible, but sometimes we we had fight, and when we had conflict, and I remember one of the things my mother did, which I did with my kids all the time, which was when there is a conflict, you separate the parts. You know, I mean I'm and I'm talking about like we're, we're about to go at each other, right? So then, separate, and so let's talk about this, and and you start talking to one of them and, sure enough, what are they going to do? They're going to point at the other one.

Speaker 3:

And my mother would always say hang down, hang down, calm down. I will deal with him later. Right now, we're talking about your part in this.

Speaker 2:

Exactly.

Speaker 3:

And then, once she got done with me, she would go to my brother and say, okay, and he would do the same thing. Buddy, I've already dealt with him. Now we're talking about you, so I guess I call that de-escalation.

Speaker 3:

My mother was very good at de-escalating a conflict. Of course part of it when we were little was also that we were. We had a good amount of fearful respect for her, and so we did stop and listen because she had that authority over us. And so, in the last one, number six is an amazing one Because, again, let me remind all of you watching us that this research was done in a non-Christian environment. This is a university. I don't know stint in the frame whether they're Christians or not, but the study is not done in a Christian context, right? And yet the sixth characteristic is a shared spiritual life, and I find it interesting that it crosses faith boundaries. This is not about Christian parents, you know, if they're Buddhist, whatever practice is a Buddhist, or if they're Muslim, or that ability to have their, I guess, express their faith, their beliefs together. Of course, for us, we know what it means. It means having a home worship, yeah. Being the disciple of your children. Yeah, have being the disciple of your children. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

And in, in and again in different phases. This is another conversation we want to have in another opportunity about how different stages of life we, a parent, exercises a different kind of influence in our children. Obviously, the way you relate spiritually to your children is different than the way I relate to mine. So what are some practices and how are they different now than they were before in terms of that shared spiritual life? Of course you go to the same church.

Speaker 2:

Right, Yep. Well, even the way that this is titled, I love how it's not just a spiritual life, it's shared. So it's something that you're doing together with everybody that wants to experience that spiritual life. And so for us, it is going to church, serving at church together, serving on teams together, serving our community together, really being the hands and feet of Christ. My oldest son I had the opportunity to go on a mission trip with him.

Speaker 2:

And so it's yeah, experiencing that together. Now he's going on one by himself with the church, and so having those shared experiences. And also, you know one of the things and I said this on the last episode about prayer, but prayer is the bedrock for me and my kids we pray often together. If they have a problem that they need resolution for, we bring it to God in prayer. We talk about what happens when you have a crisis, as we were talking about how to handle crisis together. What happens when you're seeking God for an answer about something going on in your life and it doesn't come and you don't know what that means. And so being able to share even the hard parts of spiritual life and the unknown sometimes that we struggle with together as a family has been just an extreme blessing, been just an extreme blessing. So I think that I can totally see why this became a characteristic even for other people walking in different faith circles, because it's something that brings you together that's bigger than yourself.

Speaker 3:

And, of course, for us, we believe when we pray the Holy Spirit is with us, and what you said about praying in specific situations is important, but it builds on having a rhythm of prayer, and I'm sure you do, and I remember fondly my children being two, three, four years old and having that moment of prayer.

Speaker 3:

My children being two three, four years old and having that moment of prayer, maybe a scripture reading before going to bed in their language. You know something like that and I don't know why. I remember that, but they prayed first, daddy prayed last. And often my daughter would fall asleep in the middle of my prayer, and not that I prayed long, that's the way she was. She would fall asleep right in the middle of my prayer. But what a beautiful experience for a child to go to sleep being prayed for and reading.

Speaker 2:

God's word with them and over them. Even if they can't understand it, we do. We know the power, we know God's word never comes back void. And so reading that over them, knowing that God is going to use that in their life, it's going to be something that they know one day, without you know, we hear things all the time that aren't biblical and it sticks into us, and so why not biblically speak God's word and God's truth over our children? So that's also something there that they're hearing and experiencing.

Speaker 3:

And even just not knowing the teachings or the law or the, that is important, but just knowing the stories, knowing the Bible, your child, making sure your child grows up knowing the biblical stories, knows who, david, david killing Goliath, knowing I love. I have a grandson named Samuel and I love, I love having told him and telling him over and over again about the story of Samuel, how he's in the temple and God speaks to him and he says speak, for your servant is here. And my Samuel knows that sentence from when he was a little, a little boy, that retelling that story. And then Noah the ark, noah's ark, and then the opening of the Red Sea, the birth of Jesus, the crucifixion, the story of the early church yeah, those stories will become the foundation for their faith, absolutely, when it comes time for them to believe Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

I think also, as we talked about appreciation and showing affection, commending our kids when they're reading God's word, encouraging them to do that, but then also you know giving them the go ahead Like that's awesome that you're doing that, or you know just continuing to affirm in them that desire to get closer to God and to do those things.

Speaker 3:

So, Shannon, let's go back and look at them again. So, strong commitment to the family spending time together, fun, good communication at different levels, appreciation and affection, problem solving and a shared spiritual life. Now there was something we talked about off camera that I think it's a good segue for us to give a very practical read. Some about it too that say that the the simple fact of having a family dinner together has an effect on physical health. It says children will eat better, mental health less, less eating disorders and other mental health problems.

Speaker 3:

Um will will obviously will increase the sense of community, will help communication in the family right and other things, and even there was there's this one study that says that the more children spent, the more times children have dinner with their families, the less likely they are to drink, use drugs or engage in destructive behavior.

Speaker 2:

Wow, I believe it.

Speaker 3:

So do you guys. How do you do it, though, with teenagers?

Speaker 1:

Oh, that's fantastic. Do you do it though?

Speaker 3:

with teenagers when they've got soccer or football and swimming where you your your kids uh yeah is a tremendous swimmer and we kind of hope that one day he'll make the olympic team or something like that. That would be amazing. But uh, but how do you do that?

Speaker 2:

um, well, we're in a season of learning how to do that right now. So what we're trying to incorporate because we did eat dinner all the time together and we had specific questions actually that we asked during dinner that the family members, everyone, no matter how they're feeling, has to answer these specific questions at dinner that we get to talk through. So now we're at a place of making sure because my oldest son works, my youngest has swim practice, so our schedules are way different now and we're not always at home together at the same time to have dinner and so having specific meals when we know everyone's going to be home, like this week, we all made sure to have at least one dinner together. We sat and we ate and we talked and we shared, um, and so just being strategic about it and giving yourself grace, uh it's. It might not always work. We get to have every single dinner every single night together, but it's important enough to schedule it.

Speaker 2:

It really is very important.

Speaker 3:

And, as with everything, when we're raising children is, you know, when they're little? We have their undivided attention.

Speaker 2:

I mean, you have to.

Speaker 3:

We have to, and as they grow and become more independent, it changes. But the important is to lay that foundation, absolutely not to allow those formative years to be.

Speaker 3:

You know, just give them their food and sit there by the, by the TV, with their devices on, and one of the things I've read is that, you know, a good advice is no phones or devices or those kinds of things, leave them off the table, come to the table. I've also heard somebody say, when you sit around the table with a group, commit to one conversation and then what you said, you know, bring some, bring some, some intentionality to it by maybe having questions to talk about, uh, uh, maybe having each, each one of them share what their day was like, but that I just just that simple idea of having dinner together.

Speaker 2:

Yeah it. I think dinners also help you learn to communicate. They help that whole communication aspect. So if you're someone watching and you have a young family, communication around the table is one of those characteristics I would strongly encourage you to incorporate as soon as possible because that will be the foundation of how you have hard conversations later on in life with older children that may not know how to approach the conversation. It might be uncomfortable with some things they want to share. But having that foundation and having that commonality of conversation and communication is really important and I think family dinners are probably the number one way to have that.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely. That is a great word, shannon. And so, as we wrap up today, we want to give one more piece of I don't want to call it advice, one suggestion, one idea how you can invest in your family. I think we both have two children. You have two boys. I have a boy and a girl, or a man and a woman right now, but what a privilege it was to look at that little baby in my right when he was born Gustavo is his name, and then Juliana is the daughter, my daughter and to think that God entrusted those two to us. Same with you, right? Absolutely, come on, give them their names. I gave them the names of mine.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so my oldest is Elijah and he knows the story of Elijah and you were sharing about Samuel, I thought of that and my youngest is Orion and I agree, For me I couldn't have children. We struggled with infertility and then I became a Christian and then shortly thereafter I was healed, actually, of infertility. And you talk about investing in people. When you see children behaving well, for some reason people just want to ask you for parenting advice. Children behaving well, for some reason, people just want to ask you for parenting advice. And so I have had people say how did your boys, how are they so respectful and all these things.

Speaker 2:

And I always just share this with people If you raise your children like they're gods, it really changes the influence and the impact and the decision making, Because for someone like me who couldn't have children, it's in my face that these are God's gifts and blessing to me. But sometimes people may not have that perspective. So I like to encourage just what is your perspective when you come before with your kids, when you're thinking of how to raise them and how to parent them, and that's why I said in the last pod, the last episode I always start with prayer because God loves my kids more than I do. He knows exactly what he created them to do and and what his vision for their life is, and my job is to raise them to fulfill God's vision for their life, and so I try to take it to God in prayer and ask for forgiveness and see God. What is it that I need to be doing better?

Speaker 3:

Right, and of course, this is not a podcast for parents, because we have folks that don't have children or folks who are children right now, yep, and where we want to go for those who don't have children a brother, a sister, your mom, those who don't have children. A brother, a sister, your mom, your dad, even a close cousin, is a gift from God, just like our children are to us.

Speaker 3:

And what I wanted to suggest for us is that we finish by recommending a way that you can influence either your children or your parents, or your brother or your sister, and we call it a blessing. And so I want to say a little bit about it, and I want to let Shannon give her perspective on blessing someone special in our family. It's not like dispensing blessing, casting out like seeds. No, it's about blessing that one person, about giving. It aligns well with the word of affirmation. It connects with our shared spiritual life, is affirming a blessing from God. A blessing from God. We have this authority, as children of God, to bless, to speak words of positive encouragement to these members of our families.

Speaker 3:

And so that's how I see, how I bless my son, I bless my daughter, I bless each of my grandchildren my wife, my, my and my siblings by speaking words of positive biblical affirmation. Our blessings come from scripture, obviously, that you can either do it you know, privately in your prayer, but even more effectively, effectively is if you give it to them, impart that to them through a letter, or if you have an opportunity to just say it in person. I think it's a powerful tool at our disposal that God gave to us. He gave us the authority to do that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I agree, yeah, I agree, and I would also encourage you to consider someone in your family that maybe even that you've had influence over. As Norval said, anyone in your family can receive a blessing from you. But I would even want to encourage you if there's someone in your family that you have influence over, maybe they look up to you as a leader. If you're tuning into this podcast, I'm kind of going to take a leap of faith here and assume there's something in you that that's being a leader. You want to be a leader. You're following all this podcast because you want to see leadership skills in your own life, which means you probably have seen that already you have influence over some, somebody in your life, and so when you have influence and you take that influence to bless someone, the amount of blessing that is in another person's life is immeasurable.

Speaker 2:

I can think of times when people have written me cards and just blessed me literally by encouraging me In seasons I didn't know I needed the encouragement in various different ways.

Speaker 2:

But that's kind of what we're asking and thinking would be something for you to do that would grow you even as a leader to take that time to think of someone that you want to see God's blessing and I'm probably will be more than one person, but you know, pray, who do you want to see God's blessing? Come alive in and and write what you want to see in that person a blessing from God. I think of Numbers 6 and the priestly blessing. I think it's Numbers 6, 26 through 28, maybe If I'm wrong. I'm sorry, but it goes. May the Lord bless you, may the Lord keep you, may the Lord make his face shine upon you, may the Lord turn his face towards you and give you peace. And so you think about something like that, coming from a pastor or a friend and what that can mean, and in any other personal ways that you could bless someone. I think it would be really meaningful and impactful for somebody that you have influence over.

Speaker 3:

It could be transformational for sure it really could.

Speaker 3:

Well, this was an awesome episode. We could continue a conversation here for hours, but we're going to wrap up this one. Thank you for being a part of the History Makers Leadership Podcast with us. If this has been a blessing to you, if this has been useful to you, please do us a favor. Go on. Wherever you watch podcasts or videos, Give us a like, put a comment, place a comment about how this has been a blessing to you. All of these things help the algorithm direct our content to more people so that we can reach more. We can bless others as well and subscribe. That's another thing that algorithms love is subscribers. So please do that and help us to reach more leaders and help more men and women around the world unlock their leadership potential through the eight core values of the leaders that change history. Thanks for being with us.