Going No Contact After a Divorce or Breakup

One of the best things you can do for your mental health in the wake of a divorce or breakup is to go no contact.  However, if you have children it can be almost impossible to truly go no contact.  What do you do then?  You go Gray Rock.  What is Gray Rock?  It's a form of communicating with your ex that is devoid of emotion.  Let's talk about why it's imperative to go no contact and the details of what Gray Rock means.

Transcript

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and welcome to the podcast Working on Amazing. This is a podcast where we talk about the work that it takes to rebuild an amazing life.

And I use that word rebuild because we are specifically designed for women who feel like they're starting over in the middle of their life. So many different scenarios could lead you to the point where it feels like you're starting over.

For me, it was divorce after 20 years, but I see that there are many things that can lead you to that point. I think the biggest common denominator is when all your hopes and dreams for the future have gone up in smoke.

Like the way you thought your life was going has totally changed. And what you thought was going to be no longer is. And you have to regroup.

And it kind of feels like you're starting over. If that's you, I want to say I'm sorry, truly from the bottom of my heart. I've been there.

It does not feel good. But I also want to say there's hope. It gets so, so, so much better.

I promise you it does. You are not alone. You're actually in the right place.

Welcome. I'm so glad that you're here. So let's get down to today's episode.

Today, we're going to talk about mental health. Now, if you remember in the beginning, I said I focused on five areas when I rebuilt my life.

I focused on my spiritual health, my mental health, my physical health, my financial health, and growth and goals. So today is going to fall under the umbrella of mental health. And it's a little bit of a narrow audience topic.

So up front, this topic is if you are going through a divorce or a breakup after a long relationship, but it's a breakup. I want to talk about going no contact with your ex. All right?

So you may be in a situation where you feel like you're starting over, but that doesn't apply. And I understand. But if you're going through a divorce or a breakup after a really long time, I think it's imperative that we talk about going no contact.

Why do you want to go no contact? Why am I encouraging this? What benefits are there to go in no contact?

And then the other question I want to address is, how do you go no contact if you have to communicate with your ex?

If you have children together or you're still trying to sell a jointly owned property together, the division of assets after a break up or divorce, you still have to communicate sometimes. So how do you do that in a way that is healthy?

You know what I'm saying? Like I want to go no contact, but we still have to communicate. So let's talk about that, okay?

First of all, why go no contact? A lot of people will tell you that you need to communicate with your ex, and you'll need to have a good, amicable relationship and do things together, that that is what is healthiest for the children.

And I think a lot of these people haven't been in your situation. I know the people who told me that hadn't been in my situation and had no idea.

So you will get advice from people like that, who tell you, no, y'all need to be, do things together, have a family dinner every so often. That's important. No, don't listen to people who haven't been where you are.

Why go no contact? Why would you do that? Well, because what has happened, if you've been in a relationship with somebody for a long time, I was married 20 years, you break up, you get divorced, there's a break there.

You have a raw, open, emotional wound, okay? That is an open sore. It's just in your mental health.

It's emotional, but it is no less traumatic. It is no less of a wound than a physical one. You just can't see it, but it is there.

And in order to protect that wound, you need to cover it up. But every time you talk to your ex or text your ex or communicate with them, it's like poking a finger in a raw, open wound. You just keep on poking at it.

It can't heal that way. When you go no contact, it's like putting a bandage over that wound. It's covering it up.

It's protecting it so it can heal. It is just more vital than you realize to go no contact. And like I said, I can understand why you would want to stay in some type of contact with your ex.

There are a lot of reasons for that, and I get it. But covering up that emotional wound and putting a bandage and a barrier there is vital for your mental health.

And hopefully, maybe one day down the road in two, three, four, five years, you will be healed and healthy and in a place where maybe you can have contact with them again. And it isn't going to be like poking and raw open sore.

That sore will have healed, right? So maybe this isn't forever. Maybe it'll help you get on board with this.

If you kind of know in your head, maybe this isn't forever. But for right now, you have a raw, open wound. It's an emotional wound and you got to protect it.

And the only way to do that is to put a bandage over it, put a barrier there. Have you noticed if you are in the middle of a divorce or a breakup, every time you have contact with your ex, it probably stirs you up emotionally.

It reminds you of something that ticked you off. It gets you sad. It gets you angry.

There is a strong emotional response when you contact them. So, cutting off that contact will allow those emotions to simmer down and stop being stirred up, and that's how they can heal.

So, going no contact really is, and most counselors and psychologists would recommend that in a big breakup to go no contact. I do understand the advice of family and friends that are, no, y'all need to get together.

But remember, family and friends a lot of times haven't been there. Or maybe they're an anomaly that made it work. But the majority of people, I'm telling you, you will feel better, your head will have a chance to clear.

Some of these deep emotions that you're going through, you can't have been in a relationship with a partner, where you live together for multiple years. And that end, and you not have a strong emotional response to that.

That's just the way that works, right? You have an open wound, you do. So protecting that is important.

Going no contact is how you protect that from getting stirred up. Okay? I advocate for it strongly.

And like I said, maybe you just need to do it for a season. Maybe a few years, really get that healed up, get yourself healthy and whole mentally and emotionally.

And then you can sit beside them at a graduation or a wedding, and you won't feel that same sharp emotional response, right? In order to get to that place, this is the step. You have to go no contact.

But then that asks the question, what if I can't go no contact? We have children together. That was my situation.

I had two school-age children who were not old enough to drive. We still lived in the same city. And so there was contact about the children.

We also, as a result of our divorce, sold the house that we owned together jointly. And so there was contact about getting that asset, the joint asset that we owned together sold.

And there was lots of back and forth about that, just little details, right? So when I heard about this term, it sounded odd to me. And what they say to do, if you still have to communicate with your ex, they call it Gray Rock.

If you can't go absolute no contact, you go Gray Rock. That sounds weird, right? Gray Rock, what are you talking about?

Well, the idea is that you give the emotional response of a Gray Rock. You exchange the important information that needs to be exchanged. The carpet cleaner is coming to the house tomorrow at 10.

It's going to cost $300. I need you to give me half of that, $150, to get this done before we can put the house on the market. Something, you know, just real simple.

The kids need to be picked up at 8 o'clock. Whatever it is, but it's just the information. No extras.

No, I know you're always late, but I need you to be on time tomorrow. No, you got to delete all that. That can't go.

A rock wouldn't say that, right? And so just put the image of a rock in your head, and every time you text back and forth, well, what would the rock say? Okay, noted.

You know, real simple, basic responses. I'm going to give you the information. I expect information back from you, and that's what it is.

It's just an exchange of information, but devoid of emotion. Not the fluffy, happy, soft, cuddly emotion, and not the prickly, cactus, harsh kind of emotion. It's neither, okay?

And that can be difficult. I think as women, we're emotional creatures. I know I am.

So to cut out all the emotional responses was a challenge for me. I'm going to be very honest with you. I had to delete many of the text messages because it didn't matter.

And I think in the beginning of my divorce, I would see things, something would come up, and I would just want to text him what I thought, like that was horrible or whatever. I had to stop that, right? That was getting nobody anywhere.

That was poking a raw, open wound. That had to stop. My commentary in our text messages, whether it was about things about the sale of the house or the kids, my commentary wasn't needed.

No commentary, just an exchange of information. I don't know if you're the emotional one or your ex was the emotional one. If they are the emotional one, that's when you give the response like, okay, noted.

I always felt like it was more rude to not respond, like I'm ignoring you. So I wanted to respond, but it had to be very short, clipped, and brief. Like, okay, or noted.

I got what you said. I know that. Giving simple responses and just exchanging the information.

Keep it devoid of any commentary, any emotional feelings. Just pick up the kids at eight. The carpet cleaner is coming tomorrow at ten.

Things like that. Just short and simple. While it sounds easy, really, this was one of the harder things for me to do.

As I said, I'm the emotional one. I'm the emotional person. I have a lot of emotions and a lot of words that I need to say and a lot of thoughts and a lot of feelings.

And this was a person I was married to for 20 years. So I was used to sharing all those thoughts and feelings and words with them. And then I had to not.

And so that kind of felt awkward and disjointed to start suddenly sending a text message about something that was going on, devoid of any emotion, in any commentary, in any of my normal speech patterns or whatever, just make it super just in exchange

of information. That didn't feel natural to me, but that's okay. That's what is necessary. And what I realized, and it did take me a while, I didn't pick this up as soon as I got divorced.

Like, it took me a few months to get on this page, okay? I'll be real with you. But what I realized is that sharp emotional pain that came every time we had some kind of interaction stopped.

So this didn't necessarily have a feel good boost. Like some of the things we talk about in mental health, like giving and gratitude and different things, affirmations. Some of those things can give you kind of a feel good boost.

This is prevention of self-harm in your mental health, okay? Because it really is poking an open wound to contact your ex. It really is.

And so preventing that harm, that pain is what this does. Going no contact, going Gray Rock. And even Gray Rock, I would get a little bit worked up that I had to text them or call them or have communication with them about something.

I would start to get worked up and I would remember Gray Rock. Just picture a Gray Rock. And I would say something simple.

And I realized I didn't have that emotional spiral that had happened. We had normal or not really normal interactions because it was a very toxic relationship.

But when we had had what had been a typical interaction would always get me riled up emotionally. And when I went this route, I definitely noticed a difference. And without going no contact, or really for me, it was Gray Rock.

I don't think I would have healed as quickly as I did. And it still took two years. I mean, you're in a relationship with somebody for a long time.

It takes time. But had I constantly been poking at that wound, it would have taken longer.

Shutting that communication down, pairing it back to just necessary information, just an exchange of information, was vital to give that emotional wound time to heal, to stop poking it, to stop messing with it, just to let it heal.

It's so, so, so, so, so important. You're not going no contact or Gray Rock to be malicious. You're not saying, I'm done with you, I'm not talking to you anymore.

It's really protecting your mental health. That is the purpose. This is about you and healing you and getting you healthy and whole.

And a lot of times after a big breakup like that, after a long-term relationship has ended, there have probably been toxic behaviors. There have probably been really negative patterns.

And giving yourself time to breathe outside of that really, really, really is important.

To not engage in whatever it was that caused that, even if the pattern has just become a form of the way you snipe at each other or whatever, disengaging from it entirely is what the first step to healing is, in my opinion.

You walk away, you get divorced, that is a big step, right? But as long as you're still in contact, and as long as you're still engaging in those emotional exchanges, whether they're sparring exchanges or whatever, it's poking that open wound.

No contact or Gray Rock is vital for your mental health if you're in the season of a fresh, raw breakup. No contact. And I don't know why it's counter to what cultural conceptions are.

I know I had a friend who was in a relationship, and they weren't married, but they had been together five years, and they broke up, and they wanted to be friends, because they were such good friends, dating.

They believed that they could still be friends, not dating. And that doesn't work. And I tried to say this to her, and she just couldn't hear it until after she realized, yeah, this doesn't work.

We can't be friends. And sometimes that's something you have to come to on your own. Somebody else can't tell you that.

But in our culture today, I think I see a lot of things where people are encouraging each other, well, you can just be friends. This was my friend.

I miss, you know, we didn't get along romantically or, you know, things broke down in this area, but I still need my friend. No, you're not going to heal that way. You're not going to get better.

You're not going to get healthy and whole. You have to cut it off. I promise you do.

I think maybe in a few years, you can come back to that and y'all can be friends. I don't know. I am not friends with my ex.

But sometimes we do have to talk about our children. They have both graduated high school now. So our contact is very, very limited just because there's no reason.

But when we do talk to each other, it doesn't stir up that sharp emotional, like it did way back in the very beginning, right? Because I gave it time to heal. I put a bandage over that wound and let it have time to heal without poking it.

And that was a huge step in my mental health, in allowing myself to heal and become whole again, was putting a barrier, a bandage over that raw, open wound.

There are other things that you can do that will help, and we'll go over those in later episodes. But today, I just want to encourage you in the concept of going no contact.

And I understand that it may be completely the opposite of things you have heard. And I understand it may even be counter to what you want. But I understand that a lot of people really want to keep some sort of communication open.

You were with that person for so long, and, you know, yeah, we broke down here and here, but no buts. Your mental health matters, and especially if you do have children, it is important that they have a happy, healthy, and whole parent there, okay?

And when you get sideways and bent out of shape and upset because of the contact with the ex, that's not good for yourself, and it's not good for them. Go in no contact is probably the healthiest thing you can do for both yourself and your children.

You can show them that you could still interact in a healthy way, devoid of emotion, devoid of all that other stuff, and it can just be communicating information.

And I think, you know, all the people who say, okay, you need to have a healthy relationship for your children. I think that is showing them healthy skills. It's showing them how to be in charge of their emotions.

You know, even though we feel emotional, we don't say everything we feel. And that self-discipline of just saying what's necessary and not all the other stuff that you're thinking or feeling, it is good. You're working a muscle.

Like, I don't have to say all of it. And actually, I feel better for not saying all of it. Deleting text messages and simply replying with okay is a sign of growth.

I promise. And even though it feels frustrating to not say it, saying it will make you feel worse. I know that from experience.

I'll tell you, I do. I know that from experience. And getting to the point where you just exchange information, where you don't allow the emotions into it, that's a real win.

I promise you, it's such a win. Your mental health needs this. And as you rebuild your life, having a strong mental health, like shoring up your emotions, and your thoughts, and your inner self, is just vital to have a good, happy, healthy life.

And this is so, so important because your mental health has wound. It just does. And different things that we go through in life can wound us in our emotions, in our thoughts.

Not everything does, but some things can. A divorce or a break up after a long relationship is a definite wound. And protecting it while it heals gives you strong, good mental health.

So as you move forward in your life, you can maybe look into another relationship or look into something different and know that you are healthy and whole. I challenge you today to consider and to implement going no contact or Gray Rock.

Please reach out to me. If you have questions like, well, how do I Gray Rock this situation? I would love to hear them and we could brainstorm ideas together.

You can find me online. I'm www.workingonamazing.com. You can find me on Facebook.

Most social medias, I have an account, but I hang out on Facebook a lot, Working on Amazing. Reach out. Tell me how going no contact is working for you.

What problems are you having? What successes are you having? How is it working out in reality in your life?

I would love to know. Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to talking to you next time.

Bye.