Who Do You Take Advice From?

People love to offer advice and during seasons of transition it's offered even more.  Sometimes one person will tell you to do one thing and then another person will tell to do the opposite.  Who do you listen to?  When everyone has an opinion how do to cut through all the noise?  What is the best option for you?  Lets talk about advice, about who to listen to and who to tune out.

Transcript

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and welcome to the podcast Working on Amazing. This is the podcast where we talk about the work that it takes to rebuild an amazing life.

And I use that word rebuild because we're specifically designed for women who are middle-aged and feel like they're starting over, right there in the middle of their life. If that's you, first of all, I want to say I'm truly sorry.

I know from experience how itch that feels. But I also want to say it gets so much better. You can have such an amazing life.

There is hope. You're not alone. You're actually in the right place.

So welcome. I am so glad that you're here. So let's get down to today's episode.

If you remember in the beginning, I said there were five areas I focused on when I rebuilt my life. I focused on my spiritual health. I focused on my mental health, my physical health, my financial health, and growth and goals.

In today's episode, I'm going to categorize under mental health. I guess it almost is one of those that falls outside of a normal category. Maybe it could go under growth and goals.

I'm not sure. You tell me what you think. But today, I want to talk about who you listen to, who you get advice from.

Have you ever noticed when you're in a season of transition, an obvious season of transition, people are much more likely to give you advice. Do you remember if you've ever been pregnant? So much advice.

Strangers in the grocery store would give me advice when I was pregnant, right? Graduate in high school, graduate in college. People would give me lots of advice, like, this is what you should do, this is how you should be.

And when I got divorced, and I'm watching my sister go through the death of her spouse and transition from being in a couple to being a widow and single, lots of people give her advice.

So I think people in general notice when you're in a season of transition and change and moving from one thing to another, and they can't help it, they want to tell you what they think you should do.

I have to believe this is born out of a good thing, not a bad thing, they're trying to help, right? It's their way of trying to help. But some of this advice is contradictory.

Like, my sister got told by some people, you need to invest in real estate. If you're moving, you need to buy a house. Other people are like, you can't do all the upkeep and mow the yard and do all that.

You need to rent. Who do you listen to when you're in a major season of transition, especially in midlife? Who do you listen to in all that advice?

And everybody saying, oh, you should start dating again. Oh, you need to do this. You need to whatever it is.

It feels overwhelming. And like I said, sometimes the advice is contradictory. You don't need to date.

You need to learn to love yourself. You need a man in your life. You know what I mean?

It's back and forth. So I want to talk about how we decide who to listen to and how to filter out all the noise of all that advice. Okay?

So what I came to realize pretty early on, as I was going through my divorce and in that season, and a freshly minted single mom, I remember saying, you don't have the ability to speak into my life.

I didn't say that directly to that person, but I remember thinking that when somebody would tell me something like, mm-mm, I don't want to hear, I'm not subject to your opinion or advice. Like, you do not have the ability to speak into my life.

And then there were other people that I consciously chose, like this person can speak into my life. How do you choose those people? Right?

And it can definitely be more than one person, but maybe for a specific area. So, like I said, I focused on five areas as I rebuilt my life. So maybe you could break those down and say, you know what?

This person is really rocking and rolling in finances. They are a bootstrap kind of person. They started with nothing, and now look at them.

They're doing really well, right? Maybe that's the person that you go to for financial advice, right? I mean, that makes sense.

You wouldn't go to somebody who is bankrupt for financial advice. So maybe find the person in that area. Maybe, you know, for spiritual help, maybe you have a pastor or a pastor's wife.

Maybe you have a really good friend who just, you trust their spiritual insight, that you've watched them go through difficult seasons, and you've watched their faith remain strong. You admire, maybe, the way they handle things.

Maybe that's the person you go to for spiritual advice. And the same thing all the way down the line. You know, who do you look to for these things?

And then comes the question, what if you don't know somebody, somebody you want to role model financially? Like, that's not somebody in your circle. I really didn't have somebody that I looked up to financially, that I knew well.

I had some acquaintances that I thought, they're doing good, they know what they're doing. But of the people I knew well, I just didn't want to model the way they handled their finances, right? So what did I do?

I've been familiar with Dave Ramsey, and so I started reading more books and, you know, diving into and saying, this is a principle that I, it resonates with me. It makes sense for me. I like this.

I'm going to use this as, as my guide. And when people say, oh, you should do this or you should do that, I'm going to go back to this and say, this is the thing that I agree with. This makes sense to me, right?

So you've got to figure that out. You can't just listen to all the advice because there is so much different advice, right? And it all didn't have to come from the same person.

It can come from different people. So, so find financially somebody that you look up to.

And if they are willing to speak into your life and mentor you a little bit and kind of help you and hold you accountable in your finances, that I think is the best way. If you have an actual person that you can talk to, that is best.

But if you don't, find somebody who teaches a financial philosophy that you agree with. I came to the point where I didn't agree with everything Dave Ramsey said, but I agreed with 90% of it. So I followed that.

And what I realized is following the bulk of his principles put me on a really good path, right? I had trouble using cash exclusively. I had trouble with the credit score thing.

So those to me are kind of minor things. But the overall idea of just a paying down debt, not being in debt, the debt snowball, things like that, I really got on board with.

And so since I didn't feel like there was somebody in my life that modeled really good financial habits, that was in a place that I thought I want to be in that place, I thought, I want to be in that place in 20 years.

I ended up adopting the bulk of the principles of somebody that when they shared their thoughts, I thought, that resonates with me, that makes sense. I can get on board with that. I agree with that.

And so you gotta go down the line in different areas, because spiritually speaking, and then when you start dating again, does that fall under spiritual health, or does that fall somewhere else? And that's up to you individually.

If you're not a spiritual person, you might say, absolutely not. But if you are, there are certain principles that faith dictates when it comes to dating. So what does that look like?

You've got to have somebody outside yourself to help speak into your life and hold you accountable. In the moment, we can justify just about anything, right?

But when somebody can say, no, that's not a good financial purchase, that's not a good move relationally. That isn't helping your physical health, whatever it is, right? So that is what I kind of challenge you to do.

Look at the areas of your life, we really need the most help. I need somebody just to kind of help guide me.

I don't know where to start when it comes to my physical health, or I don't know where to start when it comes to my finances, or spiritual health, or how to set up growth and goals. Start looking for people in your life.

Is there somebody that can speak in to your life? And I use that term, speak in to my life, and it really helped me shut out the white noise a little bit, right?

It helped me tune out all these other voices that were like, you should do this, you should do that. You need to start dating, you're lonely. You need to stop, you don't need to date, you need to date yourself and love yourself.

And all those things come from a good place, and they probably make sense individually, right? But they're obviously contradictory. What do you do?

So that's why I say, figure out the people in your life that you can talk to.

And maybe, you know, the person I went to for spiritual advice was not the person I went to for financial advice because they didn't have their financial situation together, but they were tracking spiritually. You know what I'm saying?

Like, they, I really trusted their advice and their wisdom when it came to faith. And I needed that guidance. So I said, this person can speak into my life in this area.

And I went to them with those questions. And when I needed to talk to somebody, that was a good person to go to. Financially, I ended up following Dave Ramsey.

Like I said, I didn't have somebody there. Physically, well, there were people at work, and I noticed some people really had a good physical health routine, right? Like they were winning when it came to that.

They were in shape. There was one woman who had lost weight and kept it off. And so those are the people that I was like, okay, so what are you doing?

How does that work for you? Tell me. And when it came to that, there were a couple of different key people that I listened to.

I researched things online and I found different YouTubers and different videos that I watched. I read a lot of different articles, but I kind of filtered it all out. There's so much contradictory advice, especially when it comes to physical health.

Diet and exercise, one person says do this, the other person says don't do that. Lots of contradictory advice. So I watched people that I saw win, and I'm like, okay, this is working for you, tell me more.

And when you start to be conch-y inches about who you're going to take advice from, even if that person is the author of a book, start being really, just take the time to be aware of who you're getting advice from.

And sometimes, I think women especially, but probably men too, we take dating advice from people who are horrible at dating. They don't have their love life together. It's in shambles.

Why are we taking advice from them? But we do because we don't think about it. We're not making a conscious decision on the outset.

Who am I going to listen to and who am I not going to listen to? I'm going to filter this.

And so your friend whose love life is in the tank can give tons of advice, but you just got to filter it out like, okay, you say what you want to say, but that's not a principle you want to follow.

But somebody who's been married a long time, somebody who's got it together, hey, tell me how that worked for you. What do I need to do?

Somebody who's had a successful dating relationship and got married, somebody who you look at their relationship and think, one day if that's what I want, talk to them, right?

Don't talk to the person who's dating a different guy every weekend and can't figure out what they want. Talk to somebody who seems successful in that area.

And the whole point, I guess, of this podcast is just to say, there are going to be tons of people that give you advice in all of these arenas, all of them, right?

And just be mindful, be thoughtful, sit down and take time to think, who should I listen to for my spiritual health? Who should I listen to for my physical health or financial health or any of these things?

Some people have that entrepreneurial spirit and are so good with growth and goals. Who do I listen to? Who has been in the same situation as me, but is further ahead and been successful?

Start to get really clear on who you want to listen to, and who you want to model, and then who you don't, right? It helps the stress of all that advice. It's like it's turning the volume down.

You still hear it. People are still going to say things. But in your own mind, to have that filter helps.

It just, it's like it turns the volume down on all that noise. And you know that you have thought about it, and you want to follow this advice. You know that you have a financial plan.

You know that spiritually, this is the path you want to take, and this is the kind of thing you want to follow, and these are the people you want to listen to for that. That is just important.

And I think we get so busy living life, and we get kind of caught up in the rat race, going to work, taking the kids, doing this, doing that.

And so when a coworker or a friend or a family member gives random advice, we think, oh, maybe I should do that. I don't know. And just slowing down and taking the time to say, who do I want to listen to here?

You know, what do I really want? What matters to me? Because what matters to your coworker or family member or friend may not be the biggest thing that matters to you.

We all have different goals and different objectives in life. And so you've got to sit down and think, what do I really want? And whose advice do I take to get me to that goal, right?

So I wanted to be financially independent. I did not want to be in debt. So whose advice got me to that goal?

Dave Ramsey, right? So what he was saying lined up with the goal that I had. And it made sense.

And so that's what I did. But I think just taking the time to be conscientious on the front side, before all that advice starts rolling in, apart from it, just take some time outside of the noise. What do I want?

Who do I think is worth listening to? And just being conscientious about that makes all the difference in the world. And it's such a simple thing to do.

But like I said, we get so busy and so caught up in all of our daily tasks and all of the things that have to be done. We don't take time to stop and think about it. Super simple thing to do.

And there were people that I did, I said, this person can speak into my life. And I am so narrow with the people I allow to speak into my life. I mean, it is a very small group of people, tiny, tiny, tiny.

Because I just realized that my objectives weren't the same as everybody else's. What I wanted, my goals, my end game, my, what I thought would be an amazing life for me, wasn't what somebody else thought would be an amazing life for them.

They're giving advice based on whatever. And so many people do tell you things. And then sometimes when somebody tells you something, it can make you feel bad.

It makes you feel like, oh, I'm doing this wrong. They said, I should do this. And when you put that filter in place, like that's not the person I'm going to listen to advice from.

I'm only listening to advice. I'm only allowing these three people to speak into my life, and they each speak to a different area. And I'll take what they say in these areas.

And you filter out the other, then you don't feel as bad. When somebody gives you advice, you're not as quick to say, oh, now I feel that I'm not doing that. Maybe I should.

And it starts at self-doubt and self-questioning. But you've taken the bull by the horns. You've said, I'm going to listen to this person.

This person can speak into my life. And I will listen to what they say. And keep a really, really short list of who you let speak into your life.

Not just everybody gets to do that. A lot of people are going to try. We have voices everywhere, right?

Everybody is fighting for our attention and our time and to tell us what to do. We have influencers that want to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. And all the whole gamut, right?

And it's so simple, we just don't think about it. But take the time, who am I going to listen to? Whose voice matters to me?

And that is what you say now, I'm going to take the time to listen to them. I'm going to take the time to follow their advice. And it might be a pastor.

It might be a pastor you don't know. I follow, there is one church I follow online, and I really listen to what they say, and I really take it to heart.

And so to some extent, they speak in to my life, because when they talk about principles, and ideas, and spiritual truths, I adopt that. I'm like, that resonates with me. That makes sense.

I listen to that. So sometimes somebody can speak in to your life, and you don't even know them, actually, because this person isn't even in my state.

But then there are people that you know, that you can call on the phone and say, I'm really struggling with this. And for me, spiritually, I did have a person that I called up and could talk to them on the phone, like, I've been praying about this.

I don't know how I'm heading in this direction, but I'm sideways in my own head. Help me through this from a spiritual perspective. And that is important.

But just because you don't know somebody who is excelling in the area you want to excelling and grow in, doesn't mean that you have a problem. It doesn't mean that you can't have a mentor. You just may not know your mentor, right?

So start reading books or read excerpts of books or start reading articles, start researching who is good at this, who can help me, what makes sense to me, and just use common sense. There are tons of diets out there, and they are contradictory too.

Which one resonates with you? Like for me, cutting out ultra-processed food, that resonates with me. Like that makes sense.

That just seems right to me. But for you, it could be different. You could be like, I want to do whatever.

So look through. There's so many different options in every single arena, from mental health, spiritual health, physical health, financial health, growth and goals, tons of different facets and aspects in all these areas.

What matters the most to you right now? What area do you feel like you're struggling the most in? Is it financially and spiritually?

What is it? And then look for somebody that you feel like you can say, I'm going to tune out all the other noise. This is a person that I'm going to follow.

I'm going to listen to what they say because this feels right. And also understand, as you go through this process, you can revoke the right for somebody to speak in to your life, and that can happen.

So sometimes somebody only speaks in to your life for a season. Sometimes you have a friendship, a relationship, a mentorship with somebody, and that works really great.

And then sometimes things shift and you're in a different season, and they don't speak in to your life directly the same way. And that's okay, because sometimes you just need it for a season. And that is perfectly okay.

So don't think you're signing a contract forever when you say, I'm going to let this person speak in to my life. And ten years later, you're in a totally different place in your relationship with them.

It's okay to say, no, they no longer have the right to speak in to my life. That's okay, too. These things shift and change.

But the main thing, as I've said, the biggest thing is just to be conchi-entious. Who are you letting speak in to your life?

Whether it's a person that you know in your personal circle, or if you're saying, you know what, I don't know anybody who excels here, I'm following this person. Both are okay. You're just making the choice on the outside.

So if you're following Dave Ramsey, and you say, you know what, this advice, this resonates with me. I think I'm on board with this. I agree with this.

This is a financial path I want to follow. And then you have a friend who says, no, really, you should get a car loan, the interest rates or whatever, and you can do this, and you can do that. And then you've got this great car.

You can tune that out and say, no, that doesn't line up with what I said. Before any advice started rolling in, I decided what path I wanted to be on. I decided, this is the goal I'm looking for.

And it really kind of helps you tune out the things that really, at the end of the day, aren't going to be good advice for you. It might be good advice for them. It might be good advice for somebody else.

But if you've decided that you want to live debt free, getting a car loan isn't what's best for you. It doesn't matter how great that car is. So you just, you choose before people start.

Throwing up all the different advice, right? You choose like, this is the path I think I want to follow. And it's okay if that changes.

That's perfectly fine. But when it comes to filtering out unwanted advice and all the advice that you get given, and those questions of self doubt, when people do give you random advice, like, well, maybe that's true.

Maybe I am doing the wrong thing. That makes a lot of sense, getting that car loan that way. When you've decided what you want, it helps you filter those things out.

It helps you quiet the noise. It helps you tune out, and it helps you focus. It gives you a little bit more clarity.

Doesn't mean that you want to still struggle. It doesn't mean that it won't be difficult to become that free. That is a journey.

Doesn't mean that you won't struggle spiritually. It just means that you won't question who to listen to. Doesn't mean that it's not hard to lose weight.

You just know the method you've chosen to get you there, right? So getting clear about who you want to listen to, whose advice matters, that is imperative, especially when you're in a season of transition.

So I encourage you to take time to think about it. Who are you going to listen to? Who are you going to follow?

Who has the right to speak into your life, so to speak, and these different areas are in a totally different area that you're thinking about, but maybe I haven't covered. I would love it if you would reach out to me.

You can find me online, www.workingonamazing.com. You can find me on most social media platforms, but I hang out on Facebook the most, Working on Amazing. What are your goals?

Who is speaking into your life? Who have you chosen to listen to? What method are you following?

I would love to hear from you. Reach out, talk to me. Let's start a conversation about who we want to listen to, and maybe those voices we really don't want to listen to, right?

All right. Well, I appreciate you tuning in today. I really had a good time talking about this, and I look forward to talking to you next time.

Bye.