Navigating the Holidays When Life is Hard

Major life transitions are hard. Being alone for the holidays might be a new thing for you.  How do you get through this season of love and joy when you really just feel sad and angry? I've got 5 tips to get you through. It won't make everything magically better but focusing on these things will help reduce the aggravation and hopefully help you find a little peace in middle of the chaos.

Transcript

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and welcome to the podcast Working on Amazing. This is a podcast where we talk about the work that it takes to rebuild an amazing life.

And I use that word rebuild because we are specifically designed for women who feel like they're starting over in the middle of their life. A few things could lead you to that point. For me, it was the end of a 20-year marriage for my sister.

It was the unexpected death of her spouse. The common denominator tends to be when all your plans for the future have gone up in smoke. The person you did life with is no longer there, and you kind of have to regroup.

Your day-to-day life looks totally different than it did before when you have to make new plans for the future and a new agenda and a new idea, and that can feel really overwhelming.

So if that is you, first, let me say, from the bottom of my heart, I'm truly sorry. I know how horrible that feels. But I also am here to tell you, there is so much hope.

It gets better. I mean, way better if you are not alone. You're actually in the right place.

So welcome. I'm so glad you're here. Now, let's get down to today's episode.

Today's episode doesn't fall neatly into one of the five categories. In the beginning, I said, I focused on five areas when I rebuild my life.

I focused on my spiritual health, my mental health, my physical health, my financial health, and growth and goals. So today's episode is a little different. And today's episode is a little more timely.

It has to do with the season we're in. And it's about getting through the holidays when you don't have that person anymore. Whether it was death or divorce.

But now you're alone, and the holidays are on us. It's November right now. And it can be really difficult to navigate the holidays when you've been with somebody for so long, and now you're no longer with that person.

Everybody is joyous and happy and family and love around the holidays. And it can be really easy to feel grumpy and angry and just want the holidays to be over. I am somebody who absolutely loved Christmas.

Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. But those first couple of years after my divorce, it was really hard to like Christmas. And I just kind of wanted to get through it and get on the other side.

With that, today's podcast is for you. Let's talk about a few different tools we can use to navigate the season where it's all about love and joy when you're not really feeling that, okay? So I have five tips, five things to think about.

As we're coming up on this holiday season, it's all about family and love and joy, and it can be a reminder sometimes of what we don't have. So the first thing to getting through the holidays is accepting that things will be different.

And I know you know this, I knew this, like you know that they're going to be different, it's not going to be the same. But knowing something and accepting something are two different things.

So when my kids were little, we lived in a two-story house.

There were stairs, their bedroom was upstairs, the tree was downstairs, and so it used to be that I would get up on Christmas morning and I would go downstairs and turn on the lights of the Christmas tree and make sure everything was laid out the way

it was supposed to be, and the kids would sit at the top of the stairs, just wiggling and so excited to rush downstairs and look at all the Christmas stuff, right? And then we moved to a very different layout of house.

It was a ranch, a one-story, and just the whole layout was very different. And there was no way I could recreate the way their Christmases had been for so long. I had to do something different.

And just accepting, hey, you know what? It's going to be different. I don't need to recreate what was.

I accept that this is a new chapter and things are different. And sometimes I think we're without meaning to, without even realizing it, we're seeking to recreate the way things used to be.

And a piece of getting through the holidays is just accepting. Like I accept that this is different. This is going to look different.

It's going to feel different. And learning to be okay with that. Things change, seasons change.

This season won't last forever. It will change again. So just kind of accepting, like it's going to be different and that's okay.

And that's one piece of getting through the holidays without just going insane. It's just accepting it. Like, you know it, but I think sometimes we're mad about the fact that we know it and we resent it.

So just accepting, you know what? It is going to be different. And I'm going to be okay with that.

I'm going to be okay with that. I don't have to love it. I can, you know, it's painful, but I'm going to accept it and I'm going to learn to be okay with it.

So that's step one. Step two, look for new things to like about the holidays. Whether it's new traditions or new foods to try that maybe weren't a big part of your past with your, find new things.

So for me, one of the new things that I found was, I love gingerbread. I have memories of gingerbread from my childhood.

My mom would get this gingerbread cake mix, and she would make a loaf of gingerbread, and as soon as it came out of the oven, we'd wait for it to cool just a little bit, but then we'd cut it up and put warm butter on it. It was so good.

It was like the bread, not the cookie, but like bread, right? It was so yummy. And somehow after my divorce, I really got into gingerbread again.

I like gingerbread cookies. Everybody likes the little Debbie Christmas tree cakes. I like the little Debbie gingerbread man when they come out at Christmas.

So that was something that after my divorce, I just started kind of look forward to. I get this tree at Christmas, gingerbread. I like that.

I don't eat gingerbread in July. I don't eat gingerbread really once January rolls around. It's just a holiday related thing.

So can you come up with a holiday related thing that maybe isn't tied to whatever your past is, but you like, maybe you never did a yule log. So go to the store and try a yule log. Maybe you'll like that.

Maybe that'll be fun. And that can be something you look forward to. Maybe you never tried eggnog and you like it.

Maybe you totally don't like eggnog. I don't know. But there are so many specialty foods and treats and things around the holidays.

Maybe you can try something different and that be the new thing you look forward to at the holidays. So next year, you can be like, oh, yay, I get gingerbread. I get a yule log.

I get whatever. And it will help you in the future years to come. Does that make sense?

You'll have something to look forward to that maybe is new, right? So think about that. Maybe be open to trying something new.

But beyond just food and treats, what are other things that you can do that maybe you didn't do before or whatever? So maybe it's looking at Christmas lights. Maybe it's Christmas pajamas.

Like you can buy yourself a comfy pair of pajamas that you wear the month of December. And that's something that you look forward to each year. Well, I get a new pair of pajamas that I really like, that are comfy and cozy.

Another one for me, but this has just been something I've always liked. I liked Hallmark Christmas movies. And you would think after my divorce, they would grate on my nerves.

You would think that seeing a sappy love story would just irritate me. But it didn't. It's like this beautiful little bubble where everything works out, and everything's perfect.

And I absolutely love it. And I think it's wonderful. So that was something I could still look forward to and enjoy during the holidays, because it wasn't really a big piece of my former relationship.

So it was something that I enjoyed, but it wasn't a big together or anything aspect. So I could still enjoy that. What can you still look forward to and enjoy for the holidays?

Whether it's a special treat like gingerbread or yule log, whether it's getting a new pair of pajamas, it's looking at Christmas lights, finding a new tradition with your kids. If you still have kids, okay, you know what?

This year, we're gonna go see the nutcracker. And then that becomes maybe a yearly tradition for you that you can look forward to. And that idea is finding things about the holiday that are holiday specific that you can find joy in.

And so maybe the things that you did before can't move forward into this new chapter in your life. Everything's changed, right? So you can't do everything the way you did it before.

So what are new things you can do and new things that can bring you joy?

And if you work on finding things that make you happy, no matter how silly or simple they are, that is going to help you each year to come, because then you'll have something to look back on. Oh yeah, I really liked this special hot cocoa that I got.

I'm going to get that again. I really like hot apple cider. I'm going to get that again.

And you have a treat to look forward to next year. And next year will be a little bit easier, and then you'll have something that brings you joy, and that's the way that works.

So find things that are special to the holidays that bring you joy, that will make you happy, that will bring a smile to your face, that doesn't remind you of the things you're missing from your past, that is a new thing. So look for those.

Be on the lookout for those. I'm going to get a new pair of socks, because they have so many fun Christmas fuzzy socks out this time of year. I love them.

So maybe it's socks, you know. It doesn't matter what it is. It just matters that you find something that is going to make you smile and something that then you can carry on in the years to come.

Things with your kids. You know what? This year, we're going to make a gingerbread house together, or this year, whatever it is.

I don't know what was in your past and what will be in your future, but be open to ideas. Try new things. Look in the bakery section at the specialty grocery store.

What unusual Christmas treats do they have? Walk down the aisles of the craft store, maybe start a craft or we're going to put a puzzle together, or whatever it is.

But something that makes you smile, something that will bring you joy, and that next year you're going to look forward to that at Christmas. Like, oh, I really enjoyed that. I get to do that again.

So finding new things about the holiday season that you can enjoy is really, really, really important. It's important to this year, and it's important to your future years, right?

That you'll be able to come back and go, oh my gosh, I love gingerbread. Yay. It's the season for that.

It'll make next year a little bit easier because you'll have something that you can hold on to. This is what brings me joy. So look back to your childhood way, way, way back.

What did you absolutely love about the holiday season that maybe you haven't done in a long time?

Can you find that silly thing that you did as a family growing up that makes you smile, whether it was a food, a cookie that you made, a craft that you did together, a show that you watched?

Think of things that you can do that aren't tied to what you've lost, but can be tied to a bright and happy future. Okay? And like I said, that could be anything from food to crafts to, you know, the whole nine years.

But look for reasons that you can smile. All right, number three. Number three is you got to take care of yourself.

And in this season, when everybody's, it feels like everybody has somebody, right? When you're suddenly alone, it feels like everybody's paired off in super happy, wonderful relationships. Take care of yourself.

That might mean buying yourself a Christmas present, wrapping it up, and putting it under the tree, and do not open it until Christmas day. You are giving yourself something to look forward to.

So whether it's a new piece of jewelry, a gadget, whatever, you can't play with that, you can't wear that, you can't use that until Christmas. So it gives you something to look forward to.

If you go ahead and give it to yourself right now, it doesn't give you something to look forward to, okay? So on Christmas day, when everybody else gets their things, you're giving yourself something.

That may be something that you should do if you don't have somebody there to give you a gift. Now, you have to be in reason. I know this treat yourself mentality is really big.

There's a whole culture around, just treat yourself and do this and do that. And I want you to stay within budget, okay? So don't go lease a new vehicle, don't go into debt.

You can treat yourself pretty well with $100. You know, for me, that might be bass salts and chocolate, a bottle of wine, I don't know. Treat yourself within reason.

Don't go into debt, don't ruin your other goals, but also be kind and gentle to yourself. There's a balance, right? And I want to say that.

And also, even more than just like maybe buying yourself a Christmas present, throughout the holiday season, throughout the month of December, what can you do to be kind to yourself?

So for me, that would be every week, I'm going to make sure I take a bath. I'm going to do the whole nine yards, I'm going to light a candle, I'm going to have the bath salts, I'm just, I'm going to really relax.

Every single week in December, because that is going to be a hard month for me to get through.

And so I know every Saturday night, this is how I'm going to treat myself, and I'm going to take care of myself, and be good to myself, and this is how I'm going to do it.

For you, that might look totally different, may not be a bath, it may be something very different. I'm going to get in the kitchen and bake. Some people, that's very cathartic for them.

And so you might bake bread, and that's going to be your thing. Find what your self-care is, and do that, okay? Like just be extra gentle with yourself, and allow that this might, yeah, it's a hard season.

This is going to be not fun. It's not fun to see everybody coupled off and know that you're alone. I totally get that.

So just be a little extra gentle with yourself. So buy yourself maybe a Christmas present, if nobody else is going to buy you a present. Maybe do a little bit of extra self-care, and just be extra gentle with yourself.

You deserve it, you deserve good things. And if there isn't that other person in your life to kind of look out for you and take care of you, you've really got to step up on that role, right?

Especially when you know it's going to be a little bit more challenging, okay? And also, you know, in this season of taking care of yourself, so that means possibly buying yourself a Christmas gift, extra self-care.

Also part of taking care of yourself is healthy boundaries. And don't put yourself in positions where you know you're going to feel bad. So set really good boundaries.

If that's with family or friends, or if you're divorced, it's your ex. Think about it ahead of time. What is going to be best for you?

If you always go to this event and you walk away feeling really bad, is there a way for you not to go to that event and that be okay? Does it mean you're always not going to go to that event?

You can go again next year, but maybe this year you set it out. I don't know. But as you're taking care of yourself, and you're looking after yourself this holiday season, think about, what are healthy boundaries?

And what is best for your mental health as you look at all the different things that need to be done this year? And what boundaries do you need to set just to kind of protect yourself? And they don't have to be boundaries that you set forever.

It could just be boundaries for this season. You know, I don't. But take time to think about that.

In this whole thing of self care, there's a lot of things that fall into that. So, really take care of yourself all the way around, okay? So, get yourself something nice for Christmas.

Do self care. Set healthy boundaries. Really be conscientious about taking care of yourself, entering into what could be a difficult emotional season, okay?

All right, so we've done tip one, which was accepting that things are going to be different. Two, we're going to find new things that bring a story about the holidays and look for all kinds of different things.

Three, we're going to take care of ourselves, right? Okay, four, the fourth thing, what I want you to do is what comes right after Christmas? The New Year, right?

So, in the month of December, I want you to look forward. I want you to look past Christmas and think, okay, we're going to be starting a New Year really soon. What goals do I want to have for that year?

In an ideal world, what do I want? Do I want to lose weight? Do I want to lose 20 pounds?

What would my life look like if I were 20 pounds lighter? Do I want to work on my finances? What would it look like if I had more money in my bank account?

How would that make me feel? Do I want to start a side hustle? What do I want to do?

Is there a project that I've always wanted to work on? Is there a hobby I've always wanted to learn? I want you to look towards the future and think about the goals you want to set for the new year.

We're really close, right? And this serves the purpose of keeping your eyes up. Right?

So, it's really easy when things are overwhelming, things we can't control, negative things happen, to look down. It's easy to think about the past and feel resentful and ruminate on negative things.

And one way to stop that and prevent that, because that's just going to hurt our mental health, it's not going to help us. It's not going to get us further along. One way to stop that process is to look ahead.

Looking ahead is hopeful. When the new year comes, what do I want that to look like? And thinking about goals.

This is a hopeful process, right? And so that's going to lift your spirits. It's a hopeful process to think about the future and what goals you have for the future and what that might look like.

And in the season where it's a little bit difficult, always add a dash of hope. You know what I'm saying? Like, sprinkle that on like confetti.

Hope is so important. And when we make goals for the future of things we want to achieve, that process is very hopeful, okay? And that's a good thing to have right now.

Goals are super important, just in general, right? They're one of the five categories to focus on. So thinking about what goals do I want to have for next year?

What things do I want to accomplish in this next year? How will I do that? What will that look like?

And just every time things start to get sideways, emotionally, they feel kind of itchy. You start missing the way things used to be and what might have been. I want you to start thinking about your future.

Instead of looking back, I want you to look forward. You gotta flip the direction of your head. So when we get down, we're really looking back, right?

We're looking at what used to be, what might have been, and all those things. And we've gotta flip our focus and turn it all the way around when we look forward. And how can I make my future better?

How can I make sure that's never gonna happen again? What can I do to ensure security, instability in my future? What will that look like?

What goals? How can I secure my own happiness? How can I secure a bright financial future for myself?

What can I do? And that's empowering because it's not based on somebody else and what they may or may not do. It's based on you and what you're gonna do.

And that is an empowering thing. It's a hopeful thing. So during the month of December, I want you to think about your goals.

And what goal are you gonna set for January? What goal are you gonna set for the new year? What are you gonna achieve?

And really think about, what do I need to do to achieve that? What will that look like? What steps do I need to take to get that?

Just think about it. Roll that over in your head a lot. Really give it time and space to grow and get good ideas about, okay, I don't just want to write a book.

If I'm gonna write a book, I need to write this many words a week, or this many words a day. I need to block off this kind of time. I need to research this kind of thing.

Whatever your goal is, if I have a financial goal, I need to start a side hustle. I need to do this, like start blocking it off and writing it down, like what will it look like? What steps do I need to take?

Not just one big far off goal, but the steps to get there. Break it down. If you do that during December, you're going to focus on something positive.

You're going to be prepared to start the new year off with a bang, and it's going to help shift your focus from very inward and maybe negative things to outward and positive things. Okay?

So number four, strongly recommend really looking to the new year and what goals you're going to have. And the last tip I have for getting through the holidays is give back to others.

I think this is probably the most important tip, probably why I saved it for last. As we go through the holidays, in those years that it just doesn't feel good, right?

That now maybe you're alone when you had been with somebody for so long, and it just feels lonely and sad. How do you make that feeling change? Well, one way is to give to others.

When you give to somebody else, you bring them joy, but you bring yourself joy. It is a very fulfilling thing to do.

So whether you choose to do random acts of kindness, and there is a list you can choose from of random acts of kindness, you could volunteer. Right now, food banks really need volunteers.

If you'll notice, if you think about it, more food drives are done for Thanksgiving and Christmas than any other time of year. And people need food from food banks all year long, but they get these big influx of donations during the holiday season.

And they need volunteers to help them sort that out and put that up, right? So maybe that could be a way to give back, is to volunteer at a food pantry or volunteer at an animal shelter.

There are so many things you can do, but find a way to give to others. When you give to somebody else, you're reminding yourself you have more than enough.

You have so much more than enough, you have extra to give away, and that feels good to know that you have more than enough. You have so much you can give it away, and that's just something that the act of giving, it reinforces that I have enough.

I have enough love because I can give love away. I have enough finances because I can give some of my finances away. I have enough, I have so much, I have extra that I can give away.

It reinforces that I am enough feeling. I have enough, I am enough. It reinforces, it's a very positive reinforcer when you give.

And not only is it just a piece of what we think of as the holidays, of giving back and giving to others, but it probably does the giver way more good than the receiver. I truly, truly believe that. I've been on both ends.

I have received very generous anonymous gifts, and I have also been able to give. And I think as the giver, it's the better end to be on. It brings so much joy and so much fulfillment.

So this holiday season, whether you bake a cake to give away, whether you find a way to pay for the coffee for the person behind you in line, whatever it is, find a way to give back and to give to others.

That is going to truly help you have the joy of the holiday season. All right? So those are my five tips to get through a difficult holiday season.

Short recap. Number one, we just have to accept that things are going to be different. Number two, we have to look for new things that bring us joy in the holidays.

Number three, we've got to take care of ourself in all kinds of ways, right? Take care of ourself. Number four, we're going to look forward to the new year and start coming up with goals and keep our eyes forward focused.

And number five, we're going to find a way to give back to others. I think if we do these things, it's not going to magically make our holidays 100% better, but it's going to make them way more manageable.

And I know that it can be so hard to get through the season. These things will help. They truly, truly, truly will.

So, let me know what you do to get through the holiday season when it's difficult. And maybe you've been here and you've done that, so you know what you did. Maybe you did something that's not on my list.

I would love to hear what you do to get through the holiday season when it doesn't feel good. So, reach out, you can find me online, www.workingonamazing.com.

I'm also on most social media platforms, but I tend to check Facebook the most, Working on Amazing, reach out, let me know what you do to get through the holidays. I would love to hear from you. Thank you for tuning in today.

I'll talk to you next time. Bye.