Healthy Boundaries

A lot of people talk about healthy boundaries, but what are they really? They are so much more than cutting someone out of your life. To me, healthy boundaries are more like parenting yourself. Doing what's best for yourself even when it's not easy. And healthy boundaries involve all sorts of things - not just people and relationships but finances and food and time management. What healthy boundaries do you need to set for yourself?

Transcript

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and welcome to the podcast Working on Amazing. This is a podcast where we talk about the work that it takes to rebuild an amazing life.

And I specifically use that word rebuild because we're designed for women who feel like they're starting over in the middle of their life. Lots of different things can lead you to the point where you feel like you're starting over.

All I know is that it doesn't feel good. It was one of the worst feelings I think I've had. So if that's you, first, I just want to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you're at the point where it feels like you got to start over. But I'm here with hope. It gets so much better.

I promise you, it gets so much better. You're not alone. You're actually in the right place.

So welcome, I'm so glad that you're here. Let's get down to today's episode, all right? So if you'll remember in the beginning, I said I focused on five areas when I rebuild my life.

I focused on my spiritual health, my mental health, my physical health, my financial health, and growth and goals. Today, we're gonna fall under the umbrella of mental health, and we're gonna talk about healthy boundaries.

Now, I know we've hit the mental health umbrella area a little bit more here lately, but we're right here at the holidays. Thanksgiving, we're coming up to Christmas.

And I think those holidays can be emotionally challenging, especially when you're in a dark time, when you're in the middle of rebuilding your life, when the rug has been pulled out from underneath you, it is emotionally difficult.

And so I really wanna hit these things a little bit strongly, a little bit more, to help give you some tools to navigate what can be a more difficult season than the average season, okay? So today, let's talk about healthy boundaries.

I feel like healthy boundaries is a little bit of a buzzword right now. I'm not talking to her healthy boundaries. We always see healthy boundaries in light of generally relationships.

And a lot of times, it's because you've cut somebody off.

There are other examples, but like 90% of what I see on my social media, what I read in articles, when I talk to other people, it almost always is about relationships, and it's about kind of cutting somebody out of their life.

Well, healthy boundaries. Okay. I'm not saying that that isn't a healthy boundary.

What I'm saying is healthy boundaries are so much more than that. And let's just have a conversation about what healthy boundaries are, how to figure out what healthy boundaries are for you, things like that.

Like, it's so much more than just cutting somebody out of your life, right?

So first of all, I think the first thing, as we talk about healthy boundaries, what I came to realize healthy boundaries were for me, is healthy boundaries are a way to parent yourself. I am completely serious.

If you think about how you're going to parent yourself, like I've got to be my own parent a little bit. If you had a child, do you just let the child run the show, decide when to go to bed and what to eat?

Well, no, you don't, because you know that that kid probably needs to go to bed at seven or eight o'clock. And you don't pick that bedtime every single night because you're upset with them, or you're angry, or you've had an argument.

No, you pick that bedtime because you realize that they do better when they get a good night's sleep. When they have a full night's sleep, they get up better in the morning, they have a better day, they're in a better mood.

Why do you monitor what they eat? Why do you kind of push the vegetables and a little bit of protein instead of all the sugar and junk food? Because you know they do better.

It's not because you're mad at them, or you're angry with them, or you don't want them to have the fun stuff. You just know that overall, if they eat too much sugar, it's not good for them. They have a sugar rush and then a sugar crash, right?

And so you're parenting this kid because you're trying to do what's best for them. You want them to live a good life. Well, you're in the middle of rebuilding an amazing life.

Life is going to be amazing again, I promise. And you've got to parent yourself, and you've got to look at things objectively. You got to kind of dial it back, kind of like you did as a parent, and say, okay, objectively, what do I need?

What guardrails do I need to install so I don't fall off the edge? That's what healthy boundaries are. You're parenting yourself.

I think it's important to note that healthy boundaries, in the best sense of the term, and the way they're meant to be are not made in anger. They're not made in the heat of the moment, in the middle of an argument.

I'm so angry at you, I'm not talking to you anymore. That's my healthy boundary. That probably isn't the best way to go about it, okay?

Maybe it is a healthy boundary to not talk to that person anymore. I don't know.

But I do know that if you take the time, when you're not emotional, when you're not angry, and you say, you know what, objectively, this is a healthy boundary I need to make, this is a relationship I need to work on, our communication, I need to set

a boundary here, it is helpful for many reasons. It's A, you see better, you see more clearly when you're not in the fog of emotion. When you're really hurt and upset, you don't see things clearly. When you're angry, you don't see things clearly.

So being able to look at it objectively without the fog of emotion is very helpful. And then also, if sometimes, some boundaries get challenged, right? Some people in your life, there might be a little bit of pushback, like, hey.

And it's easier to hold a boundary that you know you made when you were clear headed. It's really easy to talk yourself out of it when you made it when you were emotional. I was so, you know, I was angry.

I, no, I didn't really mean that. When you make it when you're clear headed, it's going to help you when that boundary gets challenged, okay?

So it's best to be really clear headed and just sit down, not wait for the heat of the moment, not wait for something to come to a head and blow up, but just sit back objectively and look at everything. And make a healthy boundary then, okay?

So that's the best thing. Now, I know that life happens, and it doesn't always work that way. But ideally, you can just take the time now, when you're not in the middle of it, and say, what's really best?

What, how does this happen? There's a couple other things I want to point out about healthy boundaries. We tend to only use healthy boundaries around relationships.

Like, when you hear people talk about them, it's about a relationship, somebody that they've gotten hurt by, and they're setting healthy boundaries so they prevent getting hurt again, which is 100% valid.

Healthy boundaries are way more than just relationships, okay? So yes, set healthy boundaries around relationships, but healthy boundaries can be around other things, too, okay?

So what healthy boundaries do you need to make around maybe your spending habits? What healthy boundaries do you need to make around your physical health, maybe eating or drinking or whatever?

So healthy boundaries can be around a lot of different things. I know every time I go into this place, I end up making bad decisions. Maybe it's a bar.

And you know what, I hang out with my friends on the weekend, and you know what? Nine times out of ten, I just don't like the way that night ends.

And I do it because it's fun, we're going to have a good time, but I end up texting somebody I don't need to text or whatever. I need to make a healthy boundary around that place. So healthy boundaries are more than just relationships.

Healthy boundaries can be around the way we spend, the way we eat, the way we drink. They can be around people, they can be around a lot of different things. It's not just relationships.

Relationships are definitely a part of it, but it's not the only part of it.

So if you're parenting a child, once again, one of those healthy boundaries would be a bedtime, and that has nothing to do with a relationship, that has to do with getting enough sleep. So as you're parenting yourself, look beyond relationships.

Look at relationships, definitely. But look beyond that. So how do you set up a healthy boundary?

That leads to the question, like, where do I set up? What kind of healthy boundaries do I need? I have no idea.

Okay. The best thing I could tell you is to look for patterns. Are you consistently upset?

Is there a time that you just know, this day, this time, I'm going to be upset? Look for patterns. What are your triggers?

What tips you over the edge when you spiral? And maybe they're obvious, and maybe they're not obvious, right? So let's just really take time to sift through.

You know what? I spiraled the other day. I got really upset, really emotional.

And then the last time I spiraled, and go back a few times, and like think in your head, what was around that? What did you eat before that? What did you drink before that?

Who did you talk to before that? So it could have been, like for me, when I was in a really bad place, I would say, you know what? I'm just really down.

I'm kind of depressed. I want comfort food. So I would reach maybe for a bag of potato chubs.

And then that night I was down. I wanted comfort food. I wasn't in the mood to cook.

So maybe I'd make myself a totino's party pizza. Or maybe I'd go through the drive-through at McDonald's and get some chicken nuggets, because those are comfort food to me. So I'm already down.

I'm already in a negative headspace. And then I'm eating junk food and are not very nutritionally dense food. And does that contribute to my overall sluggish, itchy, negative behavior?

I don't know. Maybe for you, it doesn't. For me, it kind of did.

Like, I really needed to eat a little bit more salad. I needed a little bit more vegetables. I needed a little bit more protein.

I needed to push myself in a little bit different direction, okay? But maybe you say, you know what? Every time I spiraled, it was a phone call.

And so that was a pattern for me, and I didn't even realize it. My daughter was a senior in high school, and she is the one who called me on it.

So I had a very specific pattern, and time and way there was a phone call that took place, and it was a very, very, very consistent pattern. And the person that I talked to, I never had a confrontation with. We never got in an argument.

We never yelled and fussed. It never ended, like, angry. But it always put me in a bad mood, always.

And so I'd come home from work, and my daughter said, You're in a bad mood. Did you have that phone call? Did you have that conversation?

And I was like, yes, I did. She's like, every single time you have that phone call, you get in a bad mood. And I was just like, hey, now, you're still a kid.

But she was right. She was 100% right, and I just didn't see it. I wasn't looking at it objectively until she pointed it out.

And then I realized every time, and it was a very specific way that this phone call was set up, and it took place. It was a very distinct pattern. And I realized I had to change that.

And I did. And I didn't announce it. I didn't go to that person and say, I'm no longer talking to you.

I'm setting up a healthy boundary. No, my schedule shifted. I was no longer able to make that phone call in that way.

My, the pattern changed. I changed the pattern. Because I did realize, oh my gosh, my kid is right.

I am always in a bad mood after this phone call. And so I shifted that pattern. So sometimes it's a pattern maybe that we don't see, but somebody else sees, okay?

And sometimes it is a phone call. Like, every time I interact with my ex, I spiral. What is the pattern for you?

And as you start to look at patterns, then you realize how to set healthy boundaries. I'll give you another example that's not relationship related. It's financially related.

So me and my oldest daughter, we had this pattern. The way we would hang out together, the way we spent time together, is we would go shopping.

And so we would go hit up TJ Maxx and Marshalls and Home Goods, and we'd go around to the different stores. And we did that a lot of times on a Saturday afternoon. We would talk, we would have girl time.

It was great. Why did I need to make a healthy boundary around that, do you think? Well, like I said, it was financial, right?

So you don't just go to the store and not end up spending money. I had nothing that I was looking for on those shopping trips. I would just go and then be like, oh my gosh, this is such a cute candle, or whatever.

And I would end up buying things that I didn't intend to buy. And so for me to reach my financial goals, that wasn't a good pastime to have. I needed to create a healthy boundary for myself, put up a guardrail.

You need to stop doing this as a pastime. You need to come up with a different way to spend time with your child that doesn't involve just spending money that you really don't need to spend. It's not that we never go shopping.

It's not that that has been cut out completely, but it is very much less frequently. And my bank account thanked me for that. It was a healthy boundary I needed to make.

So if you're falling short of your budget, if you're not reaching your financial goal, what is the pattern? Is there something that you're doing consistently that you need to set up a healthy boundary to avoid? I get takeout when I've had a long day.

Takeout and food can eat up a huge chunk of your income and the money you spend. So maybe you need to set up a guardrail. I will only get takeout once a week.

What is a healthy boundary? In every area, so in mental health, that tends to be relationships, right? So let's set up healthy boundaries for relationships.

Maybe you need to say, you know, with my ex, I only need to interact with them via text message. I don't need to have a phone call with them. I only need to interact with texts.

It's still going to be emotional, but we have children together, and I can't cut them out completely. But at least I can monitor my response better if I'm text messaging them versus talking to them on the phone. What boundaries?

There is a family gathering. It's the holidays, right? And every year, I leave this family gathering really bummed out.

How do I set up a healthy boundary around that? Well, maybe this is the year that you sit out that family event. You don't go.

Maybe you can't sit it out. Maybe there's no way to do that. Maybe you come up with boundaries going into it.

I will not talk about my ex-husband. I will not talk about the children. I will not talk about my job.

Whatever it is that you feel like are buzzwords that people give you a hard time about, you're just like, I'm not going to engage in those conversations. I'm going to change the subject. Maybe it's, I'm going to give myself a hard set time.

I will leave at 8 o'clock. I'm not going to stay past however long. So maybe you have boundaries going into it about what you will and won't talk about, and when it's time to leave.

So you've given yourself a little bit of a framework.

So little bitty boundaries inside of this event because you know, maybe there are some events we just cannot avoid, but you give yourself some boundaries to navigate that event to the best of your ability within your mental health and emotional

well-being. The same for maybe an office party, but slightly different. Maybe you have an office party for Christmas, and every year, you really end up drinking more than you wanted to, right?

So maybe you have to set a healthy boundary of, I will only have two drinks, that's my maximum. I'm only going to have two drinks, and I'm going to give myself a hard end time. So everything's different, right?

Each situation is different, but look at it. What have the patterns been? When am I consistently not meeting my financial goals?

Am I consistently upset? Am I consistently down? How do I set up a boundary to prevent that?

And we can't prevent it entirely. If we're in a season that is difficult, we're in a season that is just tough, well, we're not going to prevent depression, but we can set up guardrails so we don't fall off the edge and really go down into it, right?

So I'm going to set up this guardrail with this relationship. I'm only going to text message. I'm going to set up this guardrail with my finances.

In order for me to feel good, one of my emotional mental health needs is I need money in my savings account, so I don't feel like I'm getting ready to lose everything.

So I've got to set up some financial guardrails for myself to keep myself on track. Understand that during this season, when you are going through a dark night as a soul, and you are wounded, you put bandages on a wound to protect it, right?

So right now, your healthy boundaries could potentially be very narrow, okay? And that's fine. That's great.

Put the bubble wrap around yourself. That's what you need to heal. But also understand, your next season, you may not need all that, okay?

It's okay for your boundaries to grow and change with you. They don't have to be set forever. Some may need to be set forever.

They're just hard boundaries. But sometimes, they can grow and change. And think about the seasons in our life, like the seasons of weather.

So in winter, we go outside and we're going to wear a coat because it's cold, and we're protecting ourselves. It's our healthy boundary to keep ourselves warm, right?

But in the summer, when we go out, it's a different season, and we're not going to wear a coat. So understand that some of the boundaries you might need to set up right now may not be boundaries you have for life, okay?

So if you were an alcoholic, your healthy boundary would be no more drinking, and that would be a boundary for life, right?

If you, maybe it's your ex, and you set a boundary with them, and that needs to be, but you know, maybe in five or six years, you can interact with them a little bit differently, and it not be as emotional for you. I'm at that place now.

I don't interact with my ex very often, but it's not like it was when it was raw and fresh, right? So sometimes boundaries are there, and it's okay if they change.

You don't want to drop them drastically, you move them, you shift them, but do be gentle with yourself, and understand that you're putting extra bandages around a wound right now.

You have emotional wound, and you might not need all of those bandages once you're healed. And that's fair, that's okay. And just remain objective about it, to the best of your ability.

It's hard to be objective when you're hurt, and when you're sad, and when you're depressed. I know that. But to the best of your ability, just be objective with yourself.

If you were parenting yourself, if you were a child, and you were the parent of yourself, what boundaries would you set? Because you are the only one that can enforce them, right?

You don't have a parent, you don't have somebody that's gonna tell you what to do. You have to tell yourself what to do. And that's a big responsibility.

Nobody's gonna tell you to stop scrolling on your phone, put it down and go to bed. You have to tell yourself, you know what? My guardrail needs to be, I stop scrolling on my phone at 10 o'clock at night, I will not scroll past 10 o'clock.

Or whatever it is, you have to be the one to set the boundary and enforce it. Nobody is gonna do it for you. When you were a parent, you could do it for somebody else.

When you were a child, your parent did it for you. Now, you have to have both roles. So you have to look at it from an objective point of view.

Well, if I were the parent here, how would I do that? But then you're just parenting yourself, and you're the one that has to enforce those boundaries with yourself.

And that can be challenging, but it's worth it, because at 10 o'clock at night, we want to keep scrolling on our phone. When we've had a bad day, we want to reach for the comfort food.

When we're really angry, we've really want to text that person all the reasons why we're upset with them. But when we zoom out, and we look at it objectively, those are all poor decisions to make. They're not going to benefit us.

They're not going to help us live an amazing life that we're trying to rebuild and work towards. So to the best of your ability, in the middle of the hurt, in the middle of just the overwhelming... I felt like it was overwhelming rebuilding my life.

That's the word that I use a lot, because that's how it felt. In the middle of all that, can you be objective? If I were the parent here, what rules would I set for myself?

When do I spiral? When do I make bad choices? When do I fall short of the goals I really want?

I really want to have a fully funded savings account. When do I fall short of that? When do I get upset?

What is it that pushes my buttons? And start putting guardrails up. Start making boundaries for yourself.

Not out of anger, not because you're mad at somebody else, but because this is really what's best for you. Just objectively, when you look at the whole thing, this is what's best for you.

Boundaries are way more than just relationships, but they are relationships. And it can be hard to figure out what it is. And if you have a trusted friend, maybe that's somebody to talk to.

Maybe they can see a pattern that you don't see. Like I said, when I came home from work that day, my kid was like, you had a conversation today. You had a phone call.

I know you did. And it took her saying that for me to realize I needed a boundary in that particular area in my life. Maybe somebody else can be objective for you and say, hey, you know what?

I notice. But if you don't have that, to the best of your ability, be really objective and honest. If you were the parent, what boundaries would you set up for yourself?

Boundaries aren't easy, I know that. But they are worth it, and you are worth it, and an amazing life is worth it.

And taking the time to hold the boundary, taking the time to say no, even though I want to keep scrolling through my phone, I'm going to turn it off, it's 10 o'clock. Eventually, you'll get into the habit where you actually want to fall asleep then.

It's hard to not text somebody when you're so angry. It's hard not to reach for the comfort food. But you are worth parenting yourself.

You are worth setting up these healthy boundaries. You're worth it. You're so worth it.

And the life you're building is worth it. And this is where some of that framework starts, the framework for an amazing life, the framework to just reach amazing goals starts down here with healthy boundaries.

I'm going to leave this get together at 8 o'clock. I'm not going to stay past that. The more you set boundaries for yourself, and you keep them, and you honor what's best for you, the better you feel.

And it's going to help your mental health and even other ways. Because it's like you're making a deal with yourself, and you're keeping to the promise you made to yourself. And that feels good, and you start to trust yourself again.

I think one of the things that happens when we have everything implode in our life, we kind of lose faith and trust in ourself. I lost faith in myself. And one of the ways I regained faith in myself was through Healthy Boundaries.

Because I would set a boundary for myself, and I would keep it. And I learned that I could be trustworthy with myself. Because I doubted myself.

I thought, maybe you made really bad decisions. You trusted people you shouldn't have trusted. You got into situations.

Why didn't you see that on the front end? How did you end up here? I did, I got to where I didn't trust myself.

And Healthy Boundaries helped me learn to trust myself again. I was trustworthy. I said, I'm going to leave at 8.

I said, I'm not going to have this conversation in this pattern on this way. I'm not going to reach for comfort food every time. I kept the boundaries that I set, and I learned to trust myself again.

I learned that I was trustworthy. Healthy Boundaries are worth it on many levels. So I encourage you to be objective, and maybe get advice from a trusted friend, and see where you can place Healthy Boundaries for yourself.

If you want to reach out and talk to me about your Healthy Boundaries, you can find me, www.workingonamazing.com. You can drop me a line there. I'm on social media, most all the platforms, but I do hang out on Facebook the most.

If you just want to reach out and say, hey, these are my Healthy Boundaries. Sometimes we need some encouragement. Sometimes we need a little bit of support in setting and keeping boundaries.

So if that's what you need, I am here for you. I'm so proud of you. I know it's not easy, but I know it's worth it, and I know you can do it.

Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to talking to you next time. Bye.