Real Self Care

We hear a lot about self care these days but what if it's more than eating cheesecake and taking bubble baths? When it comes down to it, self care is taking care of yourself. That means so much more than random self indulgences.  Taking care of your self should be a daily and consistent practice of repeatedly doing what is in your best interest in the long run. 

Transcript

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and welcome to the podcast Working on Amazing. This is a podcast where we talk about the work that it takes to rebuild an amazing life.

And I am using that word, rebuild, specifically, because we're designed for women who feel like they're starting over in the middle of their life. I feel like a lot of things can lead you to the point where it feels like you're starting over.

For me, that was divorce after a 20-year marriage. For my sister, it was a very unexpected death of her spouse. And for you, it could be something totally different.

I think the commonality is when all your plans, all your hopes, all your dreams for the future have gone up in smoke. Your day-to-day life looks totally different. The rug has been pulled out from under your feet, and it really does.

It feels like you're starting over. If that's you, first of all, just from the bottom of my heart, I want to say, I truly am sorry. And how overwhelming and how horrible that feels.

But I also know, and I'm here to tell you, there is hope. It gets better. It truly, truly does.

You are not alone. You're actually in the right place. So welcome.

I'm so glad you're here. Now, if you'll remember, in the beginning, I said I focused on five areas when I rebuilt my life. I focused on my spiritual health.

I focused on my mental health. I focused on my physical health, my financial health, and growth and goals. And I said each podcast would kind of fall under one of those five areas.

So today, I feel like we're, this one could fall under a couple different areas, as is with most topics. It feels like it doesn't just fall under one. They all kind of overlap to some degree in some area.

But I'm going to put this one under growth and goals. But it has a heavy dose of mental health too, I believe. And it's self-care.

And everybody else would put this under mental health completely. Self-care is good for your mental health. And I agree.

But I want you to put it under growth and goals. I want you to see that it's pushing yourself forward. I want you to see self-care, not as just mental health, even though that is a huge piece of it.

I want you to see that it helps keep you on track. Self-care, to me, is oftentimes self-discipline, and knowing the difference. And now, I want us to look at self-care, and just this whole concept.

I feel like it's been derailed by social media, and in the current culture that we're in, and it's like self-care is cheesecakes and bubble baths. And I love bubble baths. But self-care is something fundamentally different.

Self-care is staying on track for your goals. It really is keeping yourself on track in all these ways, not just mental health, but in all the other areas too.

So if you were caring for a child, and I believe I've used this example before, if you had a young toddler that was under your care, that would be child care, right? And so what would the ideal child care look like?

Well, you would make sure they ate good things. Yeah, sometimes you get a treat, but overall, you're going to eat some fruits, some vegetables, some good stuff. You're going to get a little bit of exercise.

Maybe we're going to learn something new. But overall, we're doing what is best for that child. We understand that fundamentally, sometimes what is best for us doesn't always feel in the moment like it's best for us, right?

Like exercise, things like that, okay? So, but if you're in charge of a child, you know that. You are aware of that, and that's the outline that you set forth for their care.

So, self-care is very similar. You are in charge of yourself, and setting that self-care is highly important. And not just in the I need to eat a cheesecake kind of way, but in all the ways.

So, what does self-care look like? It looks like saving money. Did you know that?

That caring for yourself, and setting your financial future on the right course is self-care. Saying no to the thing you want in the moment for the overarching goal of being financially independent is self-care, okay?

So, day in and day out, when you tell yourself no, and go ahead and pass behind the drive-thru, and don't stop in, that is self-care. Self-care is making sure you eat right, that sometimes you pick the salad over the fried chicken, right?

Self-care is getting enough sleep, and really working on sleep. Self-care is exercise, and making sure you get sunshine. Like, get the natural vitamin D a little bit every day.

Now, I'm big about sun cancer. It actually has been in my family, so, I mean, like, in the bad kind.

So, I'm not about getting out in the sun in a dangerous, laying out and getting a tan way, but just being outside is really good for your mental health. You would need some outside time every day.

You really do, just a little bit of vitamin D, just a little bit of nature, a little bit of fresh air. It really is important to our overall well-being. Reducing screen time.

I think reducing screen time, and this is one that I struggle with, because so often my work has been very tied to my screen time. I've had to do things on apps, on my phone, on social media, in marketing, and managing accounts, and things like that.

I do on my phone a lot. Stepping away from that, I still have the habit of always picking up my phone, right? And reducing screen time, I feel like, is a key component to mental health, and just our overall self-care and well-being.

Learning to say no. Learning to say, you know what? I can't do that.

I can't. Sometimes my knee-jerk reaction is to say, yes, I want to help out, I want to pitch in. If somebody asks me to do something, it's very, very difficult for me to say no.

But part of taking care of yourself as an adult, and sticking to the plan you've mapped out for yourself, is sometimes saying no. Financially, I can't go on that trip, it's too expensive. I don't need to eat that.

I'll join you, but I'm not gonna eat what you're eating because that's not the plan I've mapped out for myself. I can't take on an extra project, I'm already maxed out. Whatever it is, sometimes saying no is a huge piece of self-care.

So, overall, when life feels overwhelming and stressful, once again, I want you to think of that toddler who is at their limit. How do you handle a toddler? How do you help a toddler live their very best life?

Well, what do we know? We know that routines and structure are really important, right? If you've ever raised a small child, you know, getting up at the same time and going to bed at the same time is really important.

And you know that if that routine changes, their mood, their attitude, their reaction will definitely be noticeable, right? Structure and self-discipline is just as important to you as an adult. We thrive on that.

And the only thing is, right now, it's not going to be external. You don't have a parent or an adult saying, okay, go to bed at this time, get up at this time, don't spend your money, do spend your money, do this, do that.

You have to be the one who enforces the self-discipline, the structure, the boundaries for yourself. And that is a piece of adulthood that nobody talks about. It is kind of hard for us to get.

I think if you grew up in a very structured environment, your reaction when you get out on your own is woohoo, right? It is just real easy to throw your hands in the air and throw boundaries to the wind and just enjoy, right? I get it.

And I think that's a piece of growing up, and I don't necessarily think that's wrong.

But when we're going through a season of change and transition, when we're trying to get our life back on track because it's all fallen apart, like major earthquake, everything shook, shifted, fell apart, what you need is structure and

self-discipline. And that's got to be consistent.

And that's why this falls under growth and goals, because whatever goals you've set for yourself, your financial health and your physical health and your mental health and your spiritual health, all these things, staying consistent with them and

enforcing those boundaries with yourself. I think enforcing them with ourself is sometimes harder than enforcing them with other people. I think it's harder for us to tell ourself, we can't buy that when we really want it.

It's harder for us to tell ourself, get up off the couch and go to the gym. It's harder for us to do that than maybe tell another person. Self-discipline is with yourself.

Most people accept your boundaries for the most part. I remember growing up in the 80s and early 90s, and everybody talked about peer pressure. It was this big thing, peer pressure, peer pressure, peer pressure.

Maybe I just had an amazingly great group of friends. Maybe it was whatever. Peer pressure was never a really issue for me.

And I had friends that made decisions that were counter to what I wanted to choose. And they would do something, and they said, hey, do you want to come along? And I'm like, you know, actually, I really don't.

And they were like, okay, that's cool. So, peer pressure sometimes is bigger in our head than it is in reality.

The idea that somebody is going to be upset at you for saying no, sometimes, not always, but sometimes is a bigger thing in our own head than it will be in reality.

The true thing is saying no to ourselves, telling ourselves, this is the path that I've chosen, this is the path I have to stick to. I've said, I want to save this amount of money, I'm going to stick to that.

I've said, I want to do whatever with my physical health, I want to get in shape, I want to be able to run a 5K instead of just walk it. I want to be able to fit into a certain pair of jeans, whatever it is.

And that's very, very personal, but you got to set a goal and then aim for that goal, right? So whatever your goal is, how are we getting there, right? And staying self-disciplined.

And you're right, there are times, even when you have a toddler, that you're like, you know what, we get a treat today. Today, you know, we've been doing really good, let's do something fun. And sometimes we do that for ourselves.

We said, hey, we've been sticking to all this really well. Today, we get something extra. We get a treat.

Today, you know what, I'm going to break my diet. I'm going to break my routine of the way I eat, or the way I do this, or the way I do that. And I'm going to treat myself.

And that's okay. I support that. I think that's necessary, as long as it's a treat.

It's an isolated instance. It's not our consistent daily behavior. Our consistent daily behavior needs to align with our goals and what we've set forth for ourselves, okay?

So, I've got to put the phone down. I don't need to scroll through the phone. Sleep is really important, and that's what I need to do.

I've been watching the show on Netflix. It's great, but you know what, I'm going to turn off the TV and just go sit outside and read a book for a minute.

You know what, I really, really, really want something super unhealthy, but you know, right now, I also know that I do better. I feel better when I eat vegetables. Maybe I need to pick the salad today.

I think once we realize how much we benefit from boundaries that we place for ourselves on ourselves, once we've realized there's true benefit to that, and it's just not done out of spite or just being whatever, that there's actually a reason to it,

we thrive. Just like children do. Children thrive under a consistent schedule. And if you have a child or you've raised a child, you know this.

They thrive under a routine. You do, too. That's how we are built as human beings.

And we see it so clearly in children, if we're actively raising a child, we see that very, very clearly. We don't see it as clearly in ourselves as full-grown adults. But it's human nature.

We thrive under a consistent schedule. We thrive under consistency. We crave it, we need it.

And it's weird because on the surface, we'll tell ourselves, oh no, I want this, I want that. In that fleeting moment, that feeling, that little, nagging thing that says, oh no, buy the shoes, roll this, roll that.

That will get us distracted and off track every time. But the core of who you are thrives on consistency. It thrives knowing their security and boundaries.

It thrives knowing that you are financially okay. You need that. You need financial security for your mental health and for so many things.

So telling yourself no to the pair of shoes or the handbag or whatever it is in the moment, is fundamental to your boundaries and your financial security. And when you alter, you have a paradigm shift. That's the right word, the right phrase.

You have to have a paradigm shift. It can't just be, I'm telling myself no, and that sucks, and that's boring, and I hate that. And we rebel against being told no.

I think that's a piece of just who we are. We kind of want to rebel against being held back. And no, you can't do this, or you can't do that.

But when we have the paradigm shift, and we view it as this is what is fundamentally the best thing for me. And you can have that with exercise, you can have that with finances, you can have that with food.

That paradigm shift, even with your mental health, that this is really what is better for me. In the moment, I want to stay up and scroll through my phone, but I know that I sleep better if I just go ahead and put it down.

We have to see what is overall fundamentally better for ourselves. And we have had podcasts where we talk about goals and setting goals. And I would highly recommend that you go back and listen to them if you haven't.

But when you see your goals, this is my financial goal, this is my mental health goal, this is my physical health goal. Making sure that your daily habits align with those goals is self-care. Self-care isn't cheesecake.

It isn't treat yourself, even though treating yourself is fun. I mean, my word. But that's not self-care.

That's a play day. It's whatever, but don't call it self-care. Self-care is telling yourself, no, we need to tell yourself no.

Self-care is self-discipline. And giving yourself the structure and the boundaries you need to thrive. You can thrive, and you are going to thrive.

And part of the reason you are so thrown off when your whole world falls apart is that consistency and that pattern and that routine has totally gone out the window, right? And your day-to-day life really does look so, so, so different.

And we crave consistency, and we crave routine, and we crave pattern. And when all that's changed, and our life is topsy-turvy, we have to create the pattern that we want.

And sometimes, what pattern had been, the pattern that was created, the routine that was created, was just what happened, right? We didn't put it necessarily a lot of thought into it. We didn't put a lot of effort.

It's just what happened naturally. We sat down on the couch and watched TV every night. We did this, we did that.

It just happened, right? But the beauty is, when your life completely falls apart, and you have to rebuild, you get to put thought, and you get to put care and effort into how you rebuild it. It's beautiful, painful, yes, but beautiful.

Beautiful that you get to choose what the boundaries are. You get to choose what the routine is. You get to choose and be purposeful, and how you rebuild and create your life.

So setting these goals for yourself and saying, this is my financial goal, this is my physical goal, this is my mental health goal, this is my spiritual goal, and I am going to be consistent.

And in my routine before was completely different, and it just kind of happened and fell into place without much thought or care. My routine now is purposeful. My routine now is thought out.

I am caring for myself, and I'm setting a routine. I'm setting a bedtime routine that's gonna help me have better sleep. If I scroll through my phone, it's gonna keep me awake.

I'm not gonna get good sleep. I'm gonna set a healthy bedtime routine. I'm gonna set a healthy exercise, and just physical habit routine.

I'm gonna set a healthy eating pattern. I'm gonna set healthy financial patterns. And then sticking with those consistently, self-discipline consistently is the biggest component of self-care.

Yes, you need to stop and take a breath. Yes, we need to realize when we're burnt out. Yes, we need to remove ourselves from a situation when it's overwhelming and we're emotionally triggered.

But the biggest part of self-care is what we do day in and day out. It's consistency. If you eat cheesecake once a month, and you call that self-care, that's not self-care.

Self-care is what we do consistently and habitually, how we care for ourself, right? So if you had a toddler, to go back to that example, and once a month took them out to the amusement part, that's not child care.

That's an indulgent person who wants to have good memories with a kid. Nothing's wrong with that. But self-care, child care, is what happens day in and day out consistently.

Self-care, what happens day in and day out consistently. So self-care is just enforcing what you want for yourself.

And those fundamental things that you want, financial security, better overall physical health, better overall spiritual health, better overall mental health.

Establishing what those are and then consistently and daily, making sure that your routine lines up to help support you achieve those goals. That is what self-care is. Consistently meeting and working towards your goals, daily.

Day in and day out. Practicing good sleep habits, practicing good physical health habits, practicing good spending habits. Day in and day out.

That is self-care. And I feel like our current culture and the media and these hot topic words, you know, trending phrases, have stolen this term, self-care, and turned it into something that we believe is completely different.

Self-care is really taking care of yourself daily. So that, in six months, if six months from now, you see growth in all of these areas, that's self-care, right?

If in six months, you are financially more secure, you're physically in better shape, mentally, you're able to withstand things that you weren't able to before. Spiritually, you're in a stronger, better place. That is the practice of self-care.

Figuring out your goals and making sure that your daily habits support those goals. And this is hard because it's so easy to get sidetracked. It's so easy for something to come up, and us to get derailed off this path.

Because we're the only ones that can keep ourselves on the path. Because we're adults. There's nobody that's in charge of us.

This isn't the job. This isn't something else. This is just your life.

And you're the only one that can keep you on the path. And I understand, I know, I relate completely, how difficult it is to stay on track. Sometimes you get one area going really well, like, I am killing it with my physical health.

But, whoo, that financial health, that's tanking just a little bit. And it feels like you're spinning plates a little bit to keep them all going good at the same time. And I don't want to stress you out.

I don't want to speak to a lifestyle that is stressful. But small, incremental changes that support your goals, implemented, daily, consistently, that is self-care, okay?

And when we fall short of not consistently striving towards the goal that we've set for ourselves, it's okay. Don't berate yourself, don't beat yourself up. We do that, it's okay.

But just acknowledge it and realize, you know what? I've said this was my goal, and I'm not caring for myself. I'm feeding a temporary emotional need, or an emotional flare-up, I guess is a better word for it, a flare-up.

I'm catering to an emotional flare-up, and I'm not meeting my fundamental need. And my fundamental need is what I said my goal was. I encourage you in self-care.

I encourage you to have a paradigm shift, to see that it's not about telling yourself no all the time, and denying yourself the things you want.

It's about supporting your best life, to reach those goals that you have, to do those things you truly want to do, but now you're enforcing a consistency in yourself. That is self-care. Small, incremental changes are good.

You don't have to be drastic. You don't have to stress yourself out and make it feel like it's all too much. Don't overwhelm yourself.

Be gentle with yourself, so gentle. But you gotta move forward. One foot in front of the other, you've set your goals.

Do you need to adjust your goals? But your daily life, your self-care routine is your daily life, right? And is your daily routine supporting your goals?

And when your daily routine supports your goals, that is self-care, okay? Because you said, this is the goal I want, this is what I want to achieve, this is who I want to be.

And so daily, consistently, setting yourself up for that success, that is self-care. And that is how we move from point A to point B.

That is how we move from a life that has fallen apart and imploded on us to a life that is built in beautiful consistency, daily, making small, incremental steps towards those goals. That is the epitome of self-care, all right?

So I'm really curious what your goals are. I would love, love, love to hear from you. I would love to hear about how you handle self-care and what it means to you.

So you can find me online, www.workingonamazing.com. You can drop me a line there on my website. I have all the podcasts there as well.

And you can find me on social media. I do have social media accounts for most popular platforms. But I hang out on Facebook the most, and I know that's old school maybe, but that's where I am the most.

It's just a page called Working on Amazing. You can drop me a line there as well. I would love to hear from you.

I'd love to encourage you. I feel like we all need a little bit of encouragement when it comes to being consistent with our goals. But I know you're on the right track.

I know that you can do it. I'm really proud of you. Thank you for joining me today.

I look forward to talking to you next time. Bye.