It's Not Supposed to be This Way

In a season of change have you ever said in anger or frustration - it's not supposed to be this way? It's easy to get stuck here on this statement. At this point of wishing things were different and resentful of how life has turned out. While it's a common sentiment, getting stuck here will serve you no positive purpose. So how do we get past it? How do we move past the resentment to build an amazing life? That's a good question, let's talk about that.

Transcript

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and welcome to the podcast, Working on Amazing. This is a podcast where we talk about the work that it takes to rebuild an amazing life.

And I do use that word rebuild, because we're specifically designed for women who feel like they're starting over in the middle of their life. Now, I feel like that can mean many different things. For me, that was divorce after a 20 year marriage.

For my sister, it was a very unexpected death of her spouse. And for you, it might be something totally different.

I think the common denominator is when all your hopes and dreams for the future have gone up in smoke, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under your feet. Your day to day life looks totally different, and it does.

It just feels like you're starting over. If that's you, first of all, from the bottom of my heart, I truly want to say, I'm sorry. I know firsthand how overwhelming and just achy, horrible that feels.

But I'm also here to tell you that it gets better. I'm here to offer hope. I'm here to offer encouragement.

Countless women have gone through this whole midlife reboot, just starting over process, and they have ended up on the other side better for it. I promise you, so many people have gone through it and ended up with a better, more amazing life.

And you can too. You are not alone. You're actually in the right place.

So welcome. I'm so glad that you're here. So if you'll remember, in the very beginning, I said, I focused on five areas when I rebuilt my life.

I focused on my spiritual health. I focused on my mental health. I focused on my physical health, my financial health, and growth and goals.

And I said that each podcast episode would fall under one of those five categories. And sometimes they overlap. If you are a listener, you know that.

They often, it can be very easy for one topic to fall under multiple categories. And that's just the way that works. But today, I want to talk a little bit about something that falls under mental health.

And I want to talk about how to get past the mental block we have when we look at our life and say, this isn't the way it was supposed to be.

I think when you go through a major life transition, a major life change, when something unexpected happens and it isn't what you asked for, it isn't what you hoped for or planned for, it's a negative change, it's a negative transition, I think it's

really easy to get hung up on, this isn't the way it was supposed to be. Whether it's a job loss and you're dealing with unemployment and applying for a job, and you're stuck on, this isn't how it was supposed to be.

I was supposed to actually get a promotion. You're going through a divorce, this isn't how it was supposed to be. You're going through the grief of the loss of a loved one.

This isn't how it was supposed to be. How do we get past that? I think that is a very natural part of the grieving process.

And when you go through a major life transition, there is grief, especially if it was unexpected and negative. You're grieving the way your life was.

The things that were, that you loved and enjoyed, and you celebrated, and now your life looks totally different. And it's okay, a hundred percent, to grieve that. And you should grieve that, and that's healthy, however we can get stuck.

And so, that's the point I want to meet you at today. I don't want to say you shouldn't grieve, because you should, and please hear me in that. You should grieve.

But at some point, we get stuck. It can be very common. You may not be stuck, but sometimes we get stuck on how things were supposed to be.

I think it's really easy to do. But I'm here to encourage you, I'm here to remind you, that you can't move forward if you're looking back in the rear view mirror.

And every time you get frustrated with something in your life, and this isn't how it was supposed to be, I have to fix this toilet. This is a real life story, I swear.

I had a toilet that kept messing up, and I kept thinking, this isn't how it was supposed to be.

I should have had somebody that could have helped me fix this because that was the division of labor, I guess, in my marriage before I got divorced, and now I was a single mom, and this toilet wouldn't stop running, and I would do everything.

I watched YouTube videos, finally got it fixed. But I remember getting frustrated and thinking, this isn't how it's supposed to be. Can you relate to that?

Can you relate to that idea? Whether you're frustrated with your finances, whether you're frustrated with a home or auto repair, there's something going on, and you just get frustrated, and you're like, this isn't how it was supposed to be.

This is not how it was supposed to be. And there's a point there that we get stuck. Grief is normal.

Grief is acceptable. Grief is healthy. But when we get stuck on, this isn't how it was supposed to be, we are looking in the rear view mirror.

We're not looking forward. And so we can't move on. We can't build an amazing life.

Building is moving forward. It's growth. It's positive growth and movement.

But looking backwards, going backwards, that's not cool. That's not gonna grow us, right? And we don't see it as navel gazing in the moment.

In the moment, we're just so frustrated that we're having to tackle a problem or handle a situation on our own. We're facing something that we didn't want to face alone or in this capacity. We say, this isn't how it was supposed to be.

How do we get past that very real human response? How do we handle it helpfully? This is a mental health issue, because when we get stuck at this juncture, people can stay stuck here for years.

I've met them, I know them. You can get stuck on how things are supposed to be. I don't want that for you.

Having been stuck there personally, I don't want that for me. I know what that feels like, to be stuck in that loop, to be frustrated, to beat your head against the wall. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

What do we do in those moments? And we may even be able to acknowledge, I'm stuck, I'm hung up on how things should have been. What do you do?

How do you fix that? Well, I would challenge you to look at your life right now, and what is good in your life at this moment. I mean, really, seriously.

And everything may have fallen apart, but what is right about your life in this moment? So in this moment, I may be living in a smaller house than I used to, but I have a roof over my head.

I may not be living in a relationship, but I'm not living in fear. What is right? I've got a job that I actually really enjoy and that people respect me and value my input.

Start focusing on what parts of your life are right, instead of looking back on what was supposed to happen. It serves no purpose to ask that question, to say that phrase.

It's never going to give a positive response It's never going to propel you forward, it's only going to drag you backwards. But it is human nature.

So even though it is a phrase that we say, you know, it's not supposed to be this way, I have heard that echoed in many sentiments, among many people in many different situations, whether it's in a book I've read, a movie I've watched, a friend that

I know are out of my own lips. I think it's a very common sentiment in human nature to say, this isn't how it's supposed to be.

And the only way to actively get your head out of that is to look at your life and look at what you're living right now and appreciate the positives right now, in this moment.

So 10 years ago, when you mapped out your hopes and dreams, when you prayed to God, when you asked for thanks, is there anything that you are living today that is an answer prayer from 10 years ago? Do you have a child? Did you pray for a child?

Maybe money was so tight 10 years ago, and now you can go to the grocery store without counting pennies. I've counted pennies at the grocery store.

Maybe today, I mean, you're still on a budget, and you still have to, you know, whatever, but you're not counting pennies. Maybe you own a home. Maybe you own your car.

Maybe you have a car now and you didn't then. I don't know. Look for it.

What do you have today that you didn't have then? We have to acknowledge the blessings of the present.

And if you can look back and truly see what you prayed for, what you wished for, what you hoped for 10 years ago, 20 years ago, and that you're living it today, and maybe you're taking it for granted.

You don't even think about the fact that you go to the grocery store, and it's not that big of a deal. Maybe you don't really actively think about how much you appreciate these kids that you prayed so hard for. Maybe you've kind of forgotten.

And my challenge to you today is to remember. Remember what you wanted so desperately. And do you see that in your life?

And I want you to take hold of that. I wanted children. I prayed for children, and now I have children.

And I want you to take whatever that was, that idea, that thing, that you prayed for, and that now you're living in today, and realize that if you did it once, you can do it again.

So if you did it ten years ago, if you prayed for something, and now you are living in that grace, in that blessing, even if you didn't acknowledge it yesterday, you're taking the time today to say, oh my word, I am living in that grace, I am living

in that blessing. You know what? That is my hope for tomorrow. That is what is gonna propel me forward.

I know that I can live in what I'm praying for today, because what I prayed for ten years ago, I'm living in today. So what I'm praying for today, I have a strong hope and knowledge that it worked once, it will work again.

So, when life isn't the way it's supposed to be, you gotta look for what is, for what is supposed to be. So, what did you pray for? I prayed for peace.

I remember praying for peace. I didn't live in a home of peace, and peace came in a way that I did not expect. I did not expect for peace to mean divorce.

I didn't expect for safety to mean divorce. I really didn't. But when I look back and I said, things aren't supposed to be this way.

But what in my life is supposed to be this way? What did I pray for that now I'm living? It is supposed to be this way.

There are pieces, not all of it. I get it's fractured and broken. Not everything is great and wonderful.

I get that. But what areas are supposed to be that way? And so, you know, when I'm fixing this toilet and raising my fist at the sky, it's not supposed to be this way.

But I live in peace. And I don't know if I've ever shared this on this podcast, but I lived in a very toxic relationship. It was bad.

And I had night terrors. I mean, when a grown adult has night terrors, there's a problem. And yeah, I would wake myself up screaming at night.

Literally would do that. And when I moved out and got my own place with me and my kids, the night terrors stopped completely. And so, yes, I had to fix my own toilet.

Yes, I had to deal with the HFAC people. Yes, I had to deal with the auto repairs. But I lived in peace.

I didn't live in fear. I lived in safety. And I had prayed for those things.

I had actively prayed for those things. It didn't happen the way I wanted, or the way I envisioned, or what I thought. But I was living out my prayers in that I was safe, and I was at peace.

I got frustrated by things that came up without question. What else did I have? Well, I had a smaller house than what I had, a decent size, good, you know, upper middle class home, kind of in an upper middle class neighborhood.

And I downgraded to a much older, much smaller home. But I ended up being able to own that home outright, without a mortgage. I paid it off.

And so I didn't have a mortgage, and I didn't even know to pray to not have a mortgage. I thought I would have a mortgage for the rest of my life, for at least another 30 years. You know, it was going to be forever.

And then I owned the home outright. That was something that I was walking in, in that season. It felt so itchy and overwhelming, and it's not how it's supposed to be.

But what was the blessing? I owned my home. I owned my cars.

I had no debt. So yes, life may not be what you expected, right? When we go through unexpected change, negative change, negative transition, I get it.

It's not how it was supposed to be. But we have to focus on what is supposed to be, and what's right about where we are right now. What is the direct result of your prayers, of your hopes, of your dreams that you're living today?

Because I promise you, you are living something today that you prayed for 10, 20 years ago.

And I don't know if it's in your job, I don't know if it's in your home, I don't know if it's your children, but you are walking out things that were just hopes and just prayers 10, 20 years ago. You've got to remember that.

You've got to take hold of that. You've got to be appreciative for that. You've got to be grateful for that.

And then project that into your future. If you can say that instead of, this isn't how it was supposed to be, you can say, but I am living, I'm living out the hopes, the dreams, the fervent prayers that I had 10, 20 years ago.

There are pieces of my life, not all of it, definitely, but there are pieces of my life that I am living today that I prayed for 10 or 20 years ago. I mean, they're beautiful.

Let's not get so caught up on what went wrong that we don't notice what's going right. I was so caught up in everything that went wrong. Let's not take for granted what is going right.

And the things that are going right, and the things that you hoped for and prayed for, that's the seed for your future. Because if you hoped and prayed for something and are living it out now, that means you've done it, right?

And that means you have the blueprint for it to happen again. You are living proof of your hopes, of your dreams, of your prayers, and that will happen again. It doesn't mean that it's a magic eight ball.

It doesn't mean that we can just put down everything we want and life spits it back out.

We can't tell God, okay, this is how I want my life to be, this is how I want my children to act, this is what I want my husband to do, and then you just get spit back out bad.

No, but the things you are hoping for, and dreaming for, and praying for today are in your future.

I don't know which ones, I don't know how they'll manifest, but I promise you they are because I know that you are walking today in what you prayed for in the past. I prayed for children. There was a season where I thought I wouldn't have children.

It was a short season. I didn't struggle with infertility, like I had friends that did. But once I decided I wanted to have children, I didn't get pregnant immediately.

And, oh my word, I prayed and prayed, prayed for children. And then I had children.

And so in the middle of my divorce, and in the middle of all the stress, and the transition, and the juggling, and the overwhelming feeling of responsibility, did I stop and say, thank you? Did I stop and say, wow, I prayed for children.

And look at me now. I'm a mom of two teenagers. Wow.

I prayed for that. And I'm living it out. I got to be honest with you, I didn't.

I did not say that. But I was living out my prayer. I was living out so many prayers, but it didn't feel that way.

It felt itchy. It felt horrible. It felt overwhelming.

It felt sad. I was angry. But I was living out my prayers.

I was living in a home where I was safe and at peace. I had my children who I prayed for. I lived in a house that I owned outright.

So many things in my life were going right. And yet, when the toilet broke, I raised my fist and said, this isn't how it's supposed to be.

And I just challenge you today, when you come to that moment, when things aren't the way they're supposed to be. And believe me, I know, like I said, I've been there. I know how real that feels.

I know.

But I challenge you to take a moment and look back at the way your life is, to look at the positives, to look at the things that are going, that are supposed to be, the children that you have, the roof over your head, the groceries that you can buy,

the car that you can drive, the job that you have. There are so many things that are supposed to be in your life right now. And yeah, I know there are things that aren't supposed to be that way. I get it.

I'm not discounting that. But when we focus on things that aren't supposed to be this way, it only drags us down. It does not propel us forward.

And how do we propel ourselves forward? We're trying to build an amazing life. We want to rebuild a life that was better than what we had.

And that is so doable. Oh, my word. You can have such a better life, I promise you.

But you can't do it by looking in the rear of your mirror. You're not going to do it by navel-gazing. The only way is to propel yourself forward, to look at what's supposed to be in your life.

Look at what is right in your life. Remind yourself of the blessings that you are living in, that you prayed for 10, 20 years ago.

The joy that you have today, even if you don't feel joyful, you are living in blessings, oh, blessings, that you only hoped for in your past. Taking a moment to take our eyes off the way things should have been, and appreciating the way things are.

I live in peace. Thank you, Lord. I feel safe.

Thank you, Lord. I have children that sometimes try my patience. Thank you, Lord.

I own my house. That's great. Thank you, Lord.

Let's focus on what's going right instead of what's going wrong. And that's hard to do. I'm not trying to pretend like this is an easy fix, like this is so simple.

Just focus on what's right instead of what's wrong. I know it's hard. I know, I know, I know, I know that this is hard.

And that's why I'm here to encourage you. Because if left to our own devices, we will spiral downwards. I know that.

I've been there. And I'm here to offer hope and encouragement, and say, hey, there is a different way to look. I know it's easy to look, and things aren't supposed to be this way.

I know that that's the natural inclination. But I'm going to challenge you to turn in the other direction and be grateful for the things that are right, right now.

I'm going to challenge you to do that, because overall, that's the very best thing for your mental health. That's the thing that's going to help move you forward.

It's going to remind you that, yes, I do live in blessings that I prayed for, and that means if I am living today in blessings that I prayed for 20, 10, or 20 years ago, if I'm living in that answered prayer today, that means I can live in today's

prayer answered tomorrow. It worked once, it's going to work again. Encourage yourself in your innermost being. Remind yourself what is going right.

That job, oh, you wanted that job so bad. Do you remember praying for that job? Those children, do you remember praying for them?

That house, that car, what do you remember praying for? Fervently praying for that you have today. And enjoy that, and focus on that, and let that serve as a reminder that your prayers today will be answered in your future.

That it, your living proof, your self-proving this works. You're not looking at someone else's testimony and saying, it worked for them, so it will work for me. No, you're self-proving it.

You know it's worked for you. You are living the prayers you prayed for right now. And that means the prayers you're praying today will be fulfilled in your future.

It may not look exactly like you think it'll look. I get that. But encourage yourself.

There is hope. You are living proof of your prayers today. And that means today's prayers are in your future.

Okay? So instead of looking at how things aren't supposed to be this way when everything falls apart, challenge yourself to look for what is supposed to be this way. My children love and respect me.

It's supposed to be that way. My finances are better than they were. It's supposed to be that way.

I have a job that I really like. It's supposed to be that way. Whatever it is in your life, look for it.

Actively seek it out, because I promise you, the negative, the things that are going to turn you to look at your past and say it's not supposed to be this way, all the problems and all the troubles and all the anger and the fear is going to grab hold

of you and pull you backwards. And you have to choose to say, no, I'm going to focus on what's going right. And that is not an easy or simple decision. That is a decision when you make it, that needs to be applauded.

It's a decision that isn't easy to make, but it's necessary and you can do it. Because beautiful girl, you can do hard things. That was my phrase for so many years.

Beautiful girl, I did not feel beautiful. Beautiful girl, you can do hard things. I always felt so intimidated by doing hard things.

So I would tell myself, and I got that phrase, and it's on a little plaque, and it still sits on my bathroom. Beautiful girl, you can do hard things. Well, I'm telling you today, you can do hard things.

Beautiful girl, beautiful girl, you can do hard things. And it is hard. In the middle of that moment, when you're tackling a problem by yourself, I know how easy it is to say, it's not supposed to be this way.

I know that. And I know the victory and the strength and the willpower it takes to look at your life and say, okay, but look at what's right.

And I challenge you to do that for your benefit, so that you can move forward, so you can build an amazing life, so you don't get stuck. Look at what's right.

Look at the blessings you're living today that you prayed for yesterday, because they are there. I promise you, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know that they're there.

I would like to invite you to drop me a line and tell me what you've got going right in your life today. What you're proud of.

That even though everything's fallen apart and everything's messy, you know what, when you look at it, you're really proud of X. You're really proud of Y. You're really proud of Z.

This is the blessings that you prayed for. I would love for you to share those with me. You can find me online, www.workingonamazing.com.

There is a comment box. You type in your stuff. It sends it to me.

I will respond to you. I would love to hear from you. I would love to pray for you.

I would love to know what's going on. You can also find me on social media. I'm on almost all of the platforms, but I will tell you, I'm a middle-aged woman, so I do hang out on Facebook the most, and it's just Working on Amazing.

It's just a Facebook page. But let me know what's going right. There's a thousand things that may be going wrong, and I get that, and I respect that.

But what's going right? Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to talking to you next time.

Bye.